Small Talk: We'll Be Right Back

[peacheslatour]

15 minutes ago, icemiser69 said:

Is there some requirement that an obituary or an announcement of a person's death has to be written at all?  Can't people (if they so choose) go silently into the good night, and just leave it at that?  As if they just fell off of the planet and left no forwarding address?

 

My family does this. We don't have funerals either.

[susannah]

27 minutes ago, icemiser69 said:

Is there some requirement that an obituary or an announcement of a person's death has to be written at all?  Can't people (if they so choose) go silently into the good night, and just leave it at that?  As if they just fell off of the planet and left no forwarding address?

 

No, of course there is no requirement that obituaries must be written or published. It's just a way for some to announce it to people who knew the deceased, often with funeral information or where charitable donations can be made in the deceased's name.

[Prevailing Wind]

13 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

My family does this. We don't have funerals either.

When we had a funeral for my Dad, so few people showed up, Mom said she didn't want one. (They both outlived their friends.) A few guys from the VFW showed up, along with the gaggle of ladies that go to every funeral. Mom got so depressed.

I wouldn't have done an obit for my mom, but the cremation society includes it as part of the cremation and they wrote it. So I'll probably have an obit, as I'm using the same cremation society. I want no funeral & my nephew (my sole heir and beneficiary) is fine with that.

[peacheslatour]

13 minutes ago, Prevailing Wind said:

When we had a funeral for my Dad, so few people showed up, Mom said she didn't want one. (They both outlived their friends.) A few guys from the VFW showed up, along with the gaggle of ladies that go to every funeral. Mom got so depressed.

I wouldn't have done an obit for my mom, but the cremation society includes it as part of the cremation and they wrote it. So I'll probably have an obit, as I'm using the same cremation society. I want no funeral & my nephew (my sole heir and beneficiary) is fine with that.

The feeling my parents had when I was growing up was that funerals are an incredible waste of money and resources. Save the flowers and pomp for weddings and other ceremonies for young people.

[Bastet]

The last time I went to a funeral was about three years ago, and the last time before that was probably close to ten years ago.  Most people I know have instead had "celebration of life" type parties either a few months later or near what would have been the dead person's birthday.  People should do whatever comforts them, of course, but I greatly prefer those parties to funerals.  I'm going to one next month that was pre-planned by the deceased; there will be a taco truck, margaritas, her favorite music, and lots of sharing memories. 

If my parents died now, I'd plan something like that, probably a last gathering at their house before I sell it (they have a great backyard for parties).  But if they do like my grandpa and outlive pretty much everyone, I wouldn't do anything (just as we didn't when he died, which is what he'd requested).

[susannah]

40 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

The feeling my parents had when I was growing up was that funerals are an incredible waste of money and resources. Save the flowers and pomp for weddings and other ceremonies for young people.

Many people choose not to have funerals, my mother didn't, but I don't know as I would have an opinion on other people having or planning them. It depends alot on people's beliefs and cultures, etc.

[susannah]

15 minutes ago, Bastet said:

The last time I went to a funeral was about three years ago, and the last time before that was probably close to ten years ago.  Most people I know have instead had "celebration of life" type parties either a few months later or near what would have been the dead person's birthday.  People should do whatever comforts them, of course, but I greatly prefer those parties to funerals.  I'm going to one next month that was pre-planned by the deceased; there will be a taco truck, margaritas, her favorite music, and lots of sharing memories. 

If my parents died now, I'd plan something like that, probably a last gathering at their house before I sell it (they have a great backyard for parties).  But if they do like my grandpa and outlive pretty much everyone, I wouldn't do anything (just as we didn't when he died, which is what he'd requested).

That's exactly what we did for my mother. She passed at Christmas, was cremated, and the next June we had a big party with friends and relatives. My stepdad, sister and I privately took her ashes to the river she loved.

[peacheslatour]

1 minute ago, susannah said:

Many people choose not to have funerals, my mother didn't, but I don't know as I would have an opinion on other people having or planning them. It depends alot on people's beliefs and cultures, etc.

I don't care if other people have them. It's none of my business. Just the way I was raised. My husband and I are not planning on having one either. We used to want to co-mingle our ashes but now that I have my mom's in an urn that we keep in the backyard shed, I see how really meaningless that would be. Dead is dead. Just chuck me in the lake and let the crawdads have me. Lord knows, I've eaten enough of them.

[susannah]

5 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

I don't care if other people have them. It's none of my business. Just the way I was raised. My husband and I are not planning on having one either. We used to want to co-mingle our ashes but now that I have my mom's in an urn that we keep in the backyard shed, I see how really meaningless that would be. Dead is dead. Just chuck me in the lake and let the crawdads have me. Lord knows, I've eaten enough of them.

I will miss you!!! 😁

[peacheslatour]

Just now, susannah said:

I will miss you!!! 😁

Hopefully it will be a while but who knows? We got our flu shots yesterday and I was happy to see everyone was wearing their masks. If only they'd get their vacs, we could all get back to normal. Sigh.

[Bastet]

5 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

We used to want to co-mingle our ashes but now that I have my mom's in an urn that we keep in the backyard shed, I see how really meaningless that would be. Dead is dead.

Same here.  I have all my cats' ashes, my parents have all their cats' ashes, and they've said to combine the cats' with theirs after they're cremated, so, great, when everyone is dead I'll have a damn vat of ashes to toss somewhere.

I need to decide what's the most useful thing to my body (minus any usable organs, which will be donated) used for before it's cremated or composted - used as a teaching cadaver, left on the "body farm", etc.

[peacheslatour]

2 minutes ago, Bastet said:

Same here.  I have all my cats' ashes, my parents have all their cats' ashes, and they've said to combine the cats' with theirs after they're cremated, so, great, when everyone is dead I'll have a damn vat of ashes to toss somewhere.

I need to decide what's the most useful thing to my body (minus any usable organs, which will be donated) used for before it's cremated or composted - used as a teaching cadaver, left on the "body farm", etc.

That or they are making compost out of human remains now. I seriously doubt any of my organs would be of any use at this point. I would have been happy to donate anything and everything when I was younger though.

[Annber03]

My dad was cremated, and we didn't have a funeral, either. We just had a memorial service. There was a funeral for my grandma, but I didn't go to that one, 'cause I was a kid at the time and I just decided to go to school instead. 

I wouldn't want my family to have to shell out ridiculous amounts of money when my time comes, either. Just keep it simple and basic, that's fine. And yeah, if any of my organs are still able to be put to good use when I'm gone, by all means, take 'em and let others benefit from them as needed. Certainly not like I'm going to have any use for them anymore, right :p? 

[susannah]

29 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

That or they are making compost out of human remains now. I seriously doubt any of my organs would be of any use at this point. I would have been happy to donate anything and everything when I was younger though.

Boy do I hear you about the unvaccinated. Maybe if bricks dropped on their heads, they'd wise up! I don't understand this about using human remains as compost now, though I have heard of it recently. There are reasons that bodies just can't be buried anywhere and I don't know how using them as compost would get around those reasons. Sorry if I seem stupid.

[ABay]

Are obituaries the same as announcements? I associate obituaries with famous or infamous people and details about what they did in their lives. Announcements are for normal people with their name, surviving relatives, whether there will be viewing, and maybe something like "in lieu of flowers..."

I've told the niece and nephews that I want to be cremated and my ashes thrown into the Niagara just above the Canadian Falls. So I can't die until travel restrictions are lifted.

[chessiegal]

All this talk of funerals reminded me of a trip my ex and I took to Ireland, many years ago, so many it was a package trip from PanAm. We got airfare, B&Bs, and car rental. We landed in Galway, traveled across country, staying at various towns. We ended in Dublin. The night before Dublin, we stayed in a small town. Our host mentioned there would be a wake for a local who died in a car accident. We went to the local pub for dinner, and it was packed. Music, laughter, and lots of pints and other drinks lifted. Then the church bells rang and everyone immediately left to go to the wake. That may have been the highlight of the trip for me.

[madmax]

My father pre-paid for his cremation only.  He said if you want a viewing, you pay for it.  My brothers were insistent that we have a viewing, and they outnumbered me 3-1, so we did.

I told my husband and my boys to just cremate me and dump my ashes in the creek in front of our house, no need for any type of service.  My husband told me he'd just throw me in the wood burner in the garage and even save the cremation money. 😄

[Prevailing Wind]

My orthopedist asked for my faux knee post-cremation. He's never seen a prosthetic joint that's been in the furnace, which doesn't get nearly hot enough to melt titanium. I have to remind my nephew about that...

 

[Haleth]

Do any newspapers still print obituaries?  As far as I know the obit is only online and is really only needed to inform people where to send condolences.  I had to bury my brother a little over a year ago (being the last living person in my family) and wrote an obit about all the happy things I could remember about him.  The elephant in the room was that he lived a miserable life and died alone.  It was very sad.  Only one other person besides my husband and me showed up to the funeral.  (Of course, covid.)

We charged the funeral on a credit card so we could get the points.

[Browncoat]

My local paper prints obituaries.  

[chessiegal]

 

2 hours ago, Haleth said:

Do any newspapers still print obituaries?

We get 2 print newspapers - The Washington Post and The Capital. Both print obituaries.

[peacheslatour]

13 minutes ago, chessiegal said:

 

We get 2 print newspapers - The Washington Post and The Capital. Both print obituaries.

We get the Seattle Times and they still do.

[susannah]

2 hours ago, peacheslatour said:

We get the Seattle Times and they still do.

The Oregonian still does also.

[Annber03]

Our papers still print them, too. 

[Gramto6]

Even our freebie little local paper prints them too.

[Bastet]

People pay newspapers to run obituaries (starting price for LA Times is a little over $200), so, yes, they're quite happy to print them.

[madmax]

Our paper has death notices and obituaries.  Obituaries are more like articles and usually reserved for the more famous people, unless you want to pay big bucks to have one.  These are usually printed above the death notices.

Death notices are usually a paragraph with name, relatives, funeral home, and charity, if one, but can get more elaborate.  Because you pay for each line, most people trim it down as much as possible.  These are alphabetized for easy searching.

 

On another note, does anyone know how long a bottle of wine will last if I'm only using it for cooking?  I don't like to drink wine, it gives me a headache and makes me awful tired, so it will probably sit for a while.

[peacheslatour]

5 minutes ago, madmax said:

Our paper has death notices and obituaries.  Obituaries are more like articles and usually reserved for the more famous people, unless you want to pay big bucks to have one.  These are usually printed above the death notices.

Death notices are usually a paragraph with name, relatives, funeral home, and charity, if one, but can get more elaborate.  Because you pay for each line, most people trim it down as much as possible.  These are alphabetized for easy searching.

 

On another note, does anyone know how long a bottle of wine will last if I'm only using it for cooking?  I don't like to drink wine, it gives me a headache and makes me awful tired, so it will probably sit for a while.

About six months or if it's in the fridge, about 2 years. Just my personal experience. No expert.

[Bastet]

8 minutes ago, madmax said:

On another note, does anyone know how long a bottle of wine will last

It depends on the wine.  This is representative of the conventional wisdom.  My instinctive reaction is always Oh, it must last a little longer than that, but I've never kept wine around long enough to find out.

*It doesn't much matter whether you're using it for drinking or cooking.  Cooking gets rid of the alcohol, leaving you with just the flavor, so the flavor needs to be good.  But, if you're cooking with it, the wine is not the only flavor in the dish, so a wine that you wouldn't enjoy straight from the glass because its taste has just started to change could still be fine as one ingredient in a dish.

[bankerchick]

My friend and I have recently noted that most of the obituaries now have pictures (of the deceased while they were still alive, not of them as dead people.)  Many are 'glamour shots.'  I try to avoid the camera whenever possible but do have a 20 year old glamour shot that I guess my family could use... 

My father was the man who went to everyone's visitation and funeral.  He felt it was a form of respect.  If he knew you, he would be at your or your family member's funeral.    Needless to say, his visitation and funeral were very well attended.  Having said that, he is buried in the cemetery in a different province so I don't get there very often, but when I visit I often wonder why I am there.  It's not like I feel like my Dad is there, or I remember him more when I'm there.  It's just a name on a stone (and it freaks me out that my name is also engraved on that stone as a child of his) and for this reason, I just want to be cremated and I don't care what happens to the ashes.  I don't want my kids to think they have to visit my grave.

[peacheslatour]

8 minutes ago, bankerchick said:

My friend and I have recently noted that most of the obituaries now have pictures (of the deceased while they were still alive, not of them as dead people.)  Many are 'glamour shots.'  I try to avoid the camera whenever possible but do have a 20 year old glamour shot that I guess my family could use... 

My father was the man who went to everyone's visitation and funeral.  He felt it was a form of respect.  If he knew you, he would be at your or your family member's funeral.    Needless to say, his visitation and funeral were very well attended.  Having said that, he is buried in the cemetery in a different province so I don't get there very often, but when I visit I often wonder why I am there.  It's not like I feel like my Dad is there, or I remember him more when I'm there.  It's just a name on a stone (and it freaks me out that my name is also engraved on that stone as a child of his) and for this reason, I just want to be cremated and I don't care what happens to the ashes.  I don't want my kids to think they have to visit my grave.

It's funny, my husband is the same as your dad. He goes to everyone's funerals and memorials yet he wants none of that for himself. He's just such an extrovert. He also reads the obits every day. It's weird to me but hey, he can do what he wants.

[Bastet]

2 minutes ago, bankerchick said:

I don't get there very often, but when I visit I often wonder why I am there.  It's not like I feel like my Dad is there, or I remember him more when I'm there. 

I'm the same way.  My maternal grandparents were both cremated but then interred in a mausoleum within a cemetery.  It's about five miles from my house, but I never visit.  They're dead, so wherever their remains are, they're gone.  I can remember them anywhere, and I enjoy doing that randomly a lot more than I'd like staring at a marble wall.  I don't think my mom - only another ten miles away - goes very often.  (She didn't pick it; my grandma died 25 years before my grandpa, and that's what he bought, with room for him, so when he died she had his ashes added.)

2 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

He also reads the obits every day.

So does my mom.  I find it so weird, but she sometimes comes across someone she knew.  (To which I think, So?  If you no longer knew them well enough to know they died without reading it in the paper, who cares?  But it's her quirk.)

[bankerchick]

 

6 minutes ago, Bastet said:

I find it so weird, but she sometimes comes across someone she knew.  (To which I think, So?  If you no longer knew them well enough to know they died without reading it in the paper, who cares?  But it's her quirk.)

I read the obits every day.  I know what you are saying about if you knew them well, you would know they are dead, but sometimes I see obits of people that I cared about or their family members and I may be a little too far out of the loop for anyone to think of contacting me, but I would still like to reach out with a call or a card.  Or sometimes I just like to read them to see if I can figure out how they died, especially if they are young.

[peacheslatour]

Quote

So does my mom.  I find it so weird, but she sometimes comes across someone she knew.  (To which I think, So?  If you no longer knew them well enough to know they died without reading it in the paper, who cares?  But it's her quirk.)

Right? It's so weird to me when he says "Oh look, someone you don't know's dad died" I just say I'm sorry because what else can I say?

[Prevailing Wind]

2 hours ago, Pj3422 said:

 Is he not familiar with the phrase, “So help me, I. WILL. TURN. THIS. CAR. AROUND.”?

My brother didn't turn the car around. They had JUST checked into the DisneyWorld hotel...and they checked back out because the kids were misbehaving.  They then drove the 4 hours back home. The kids never bickered again and it was a story told at the rehearsal dinner for the eldest's wedding.

The desk clerk was amused.

Edited October 9, 2021 by Prevailing Wind

[dleighg]

16 minutes ago, Prevailing Wind said:

My brother didn't turn the car around. They had JUST checked into the DisneyWorld hotel...and they checked back out because the kids were misbehaving.  They then drove the 4 hours back home. The kids never bickered again and it was a story told at the rehearsal dinner for the eldest's wedding.

that is serious tough love.

In my household (and I'm old-- just turned 60), I know it is totally non-PC, but if my brother and I bickered in the back seat, a swat from the front seat would come down on both of us. No debating who was to blame.

In our more PC (I guess) home, I, as the passenger, went to sit between the miscreants in the backseat.

Edited October 9, 2021 by dleighg

[peacheslatour]

17 minutes ago, Prevailing Wind said:

My brother didn't turn the car around. They had JUST checked into the DisneyWorld hotel...and they checked back out because the kids were misbehaving.  They then drove the 4 hours back home. The kids never bickered again and it was a story told at the rehearsal dinner for the eldest's wedding.

The desk clerk was amused.

When my son was a toddler he would run away from me at the super market. One day I'd had enough chasing him so I left my half full cart, tossed him in the car and took him home and left him with dad. I didn't take him to the store with me again for a year. He always stayed with me after that but I don't know if her learned his lesson or being a year older made him behave better.

[CrazyInAlabama]

1 hour ago, bankerchick said:

My friend and I have recently noted that most of the obituaries now have pictures (of the deceased while they were still alive, not of them as dead people.)  Many are 'glamour shots.'  I try to avoid the camera whenever possible but do have a 20 year old glamour shot that I guess my family could use... 

My father was the man who went to everyone's visitation and funeral.  He felt it was a form of respect.  If he knew you, he would be at your or your family member's funeral.    Needless to say, his visitation and funeral were very well attended.  Having said that, he is buried in the cemetery in a different province so I don't get there very often, but when I visit I often wonder why I am there.  It's not like I feel like my Dad is there, or I remember him more when I'm there.  It's just a name on a stone (and it freaks me out that my name is also engraved on that stone as a child of his) and for this reason, I just want to be cremated and I don't care what happens to the ashes.  I don't want my kids to think they have to visit my grave.

I like using the younger photos of the person.   That's probably when people remember them from.   Also, do people go get portraits done now?    A former co-worker had a photo in her obit, and it was some blurry snapshot, and if you didn't know who she was from the name and obit, you wouldn't have recognized her.      

My grandmother went to every funeral in their town for anyone in her chosen group, it was just her hobby, not a form of respect.    

My mother was notorious for blurting out in the middle of some random conversation that 'so and so died', or some relative of someone I wasn't even friends with.    My mother was totally shocked that I didn't care that the mother of the mean girl from school died. 

[bankerchick]

25 minutes ago, CrazyInAlabama said:

My mother was totally shocked that I didn't care that the mother of the mean girl from school died. 

Perhaps she was close to her mother and you can take some solace in knowing that she is having a bad time.

[madmax]

Thanks for the wine advice!

 

5 hours ago, bankerchick said:

Having said that, he is buried in the cemetery in a different province so I don't get there very often, but when I visit I often wonder why I am there.  It's not like I feel like my Dad is there, or I remember him more when I'm there.  It's just a name on a stone (and it freaks me out that my name is also engraved on that stone as a child of his) and for this reason, I just want to be cremated and I don't care what happens to the ashes.  I don't want my kids to think they have to visit my grave.

 

5 hours ago, Bastet said:

I'm the same way.  My maternal grandparents were both cremated but then interred in a mausoleum within a cemetery.  It's about five miles from my house, but I never visit. 

This is why I don't want to be buried.  Why make your children obligated to come visit a plot of land?  Remember your loved ones wherever you are.  A weird aside, but I always remember my dad when I'm drying my feet because he used to drill us about drying between our toes very well since he got trench foot while he was in the Korean War.

My in-laws (well, the whole one side of the family, actually) are all buried at a cemetery about 45 minutes away.  I can count on one hand the number of times Mr. Max has gone to visit their graves, with fingers left over.  

My father, two brothers and my sister were all cremated.  We scattered their ashes along the river where my father liked to take daily walks before he got ill.  We didn't spread them  all together, except one brother and my dad who died within 6 months of each other.  I think my brother just missed my dad.

And as another (maybe creepy) aside, I have a small bag of my dad's ashes in my purse.  Just because.

[susannah]

6 hours ago, Bastet said:

It depends on the wine.  This is representative of the conventional wisdom.  My instinctive reaction is always Oh, it must last a little longer than that, but I've never kept wine around long enough to find out.

*It doesn't much matter whether you're using it for drinking or cooking.  Cooking gets rid of the alcohol, leaving you with just the flavor, so the flavor needs to be good.  But, if you're cooking with it, the wine is not the only flavor in the dish, so a wine that you wouldn't enjoy straight from the glass because its taste has just started to change could still be fine as one ingredient in a dish.

I think Alton said never to cook with wine you wouldn't drink?

[SoMuchTV]

6 hours ago, madmax said:

On another note, does anyone know how long a bottle of wine will last if I'm only using it for cooking?  I don't like to drink wine, it gives me a headache and makes me awful tired, so it will probably sit for a while.

I can’t help with the bottle you already have open, beyond the advice others have given, but maybe for the future, consider either inviting me (or a local friend) over the next day to help out, or, check out some of the canned or mini-box options. I’m sure the multi-liter box is probably too much for your cooking needs, but I think I’ve seen smaller versions that are still airtight and would keep for a few weeks. And I’ve seen single serving options, especially at convenience stores (if they have that option in your state).

[Bastet]

24 minutes ago, susannah said:

I think Alton said never to cook with wine you wouldn't drink?

Everyone says that. 🙂  Taken at face value, it's an over-simplification; many people who don't drink wine at all (because they don't drink alcohol) will cook with it, people (like me) who don't care to drink a glass or more of sweet wine may still find a bit of it a great flavor addition to some cooked dishes, etc.

It's just a push back against the notion of "cooking wine" meaning a not-good wine someone buys because it's cheap and they're "just going to cook with it".  Don't go that far.  (But you don't need to cook with your best bottle of wine, either.)  If you take a swig of wine and think, "Yuck," don't next think, "I'll just use it for cooking."  If you hate it in the glass, cooking all the alcohol out so all that's left is a flavor you don't like isn't going to magically transform it into something great in the pan. 

2 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

And I’ve seen single serving options, especially at convenience stores (if they have that option in your state).

That's a good idea; I forgot about those.  Also, if what you need to cook with is a dry white wine, you can use dry vermouth instead - that's shelf stable and an opened bottle lasts months, not days.

Edited October 10, 2021 by Bastet

[SoMuchTV]

Okay, y’all have me thinking. Leftover wine has never been a problem for me, but now I’m wondering if you could freeze it in ice cube trays or something similar. Any experts who can weigh in?

[The Crazed Spruce]

I'm not a wine drinker, but a while back I was trying to make a pasta sauce from canned tomatoes, and I had some blueberry wine left over from a few Christmases earlier. I though "what the hell", and threw a splash in the sauce. I thought it came out great.

[Haleth]

7 hours ago, SoMuchTV said:

Okay, y’all have me thinking. Leftover wine has never been a problem for me, but now I’m wondering if you could freeze it in ice cube trays or something similar. Any experts who can weigh in?

I don't think alcohol freezes, no?

As far as only cooking with a wine you would drink, that seems a waste of a good cup of wine. 😄

[SoMuchTV]

3 hours ago, Haleth said:

I don't think alcohol freezes, no?

As far as only cooking with a wine you would drink, that seems a waste of a good cup of wine. 😄

I know that's true for hard liquor but I'm not sure if wine has a high enough alcohol content.  In fact, now I'm remembering, a few springs ago, the "thing" was recipes for "frosee" - I don't think that's the right spelling but it's a play on frozen rose - a kind of sorbet that included rose wine.  So at least it must freeze a little bit.

[chessiegal]

According to this, yes, you can freeze wine. The admonition to only cook with wine you would drink is to steer you away from "cooking wine" that has no alcohol and is salty.

Quote

Both red and white wine can be kept frozen and it is a good way of making use of leftover wine, though we would only recommend using it for cooking once it has been frozen. ... There is no need to defrost the wine before using. As it not fully frozen it will thaw almost as soon as it hits the hot pan or liquid.

 

[Bruinsfan]

Wow, "our DisneyWorld vacation is cancelled because you wouldn't behave!" is definitely master-level commitment to enforcing consequences for misbehaving. I bet those kids never tested their parents' rules again after that!

It's been a long time since I kept wine around for drinking, but I've definitely had sweet sparkling wine in the fridge for more than 5 days without it going bad. A little flat maybe, but the flavor was still good.

[EtheltoTillie]

Funeral practices are very much in the YMMV category. Also culturally specific. I had some clients last year who spent $100,000 to buy a family funeral plot. Others want the bare minimum cremation. Average in NYC area is about $6000 if you already  have a plot. My family just does cremation and no folderol. 

Edited October 10, 2021 by GussieK