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My Husband's Not Gay (TLC)

Tara Ariano

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VioletNevermind

VioletNevermind

(edited)

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. I feel sorry for all concerned in this show, both the men and women. The men are short-changing themselves and the women are forced to deal with their husbands' same-sex attractions. I couldn't marry a man who clearly settled for being with me simply because he couldn't fully express his true self and I wouldn't want him to do that either. One woman even brought up an incident from the past where things got "out of control" when a group of men spent the night at their house. The show played up all of the old stereotypes about gay men: a love of show tunes, enjoying shopping for clothes, dishing about attractive guys, etc. I can't imagine what it must be like to feel like you have to stifle a huge part of who you are in order to remain in compliance with your religious teachings.

Note to the producers: Consult a calendar. It's 2015. We're trying as hard as we can to get past this crap and you're not helping.

Edited by SuzyLee
  • Love 11
technorebel

technorebel

(edited)

This isn't a series?  Oh, well.  It was pretty interesting to me, although maybe it should've been called "Gay or Not?  We're Not Sure."  The men rating every guy they see on their "danger scale" seemed like hazardous behaviour to me.  Like being on a diet, but constantly talking about cake and ice cream and hanging out in front of the bake shop window.  This isn't something I could live with as a wife.

 

I ended up having mixed feelings about the show.  It's easy to say the men are just in denial, but don't we all know of people who lived a hetero/homo life for a while, and then "switched" to the other side?  I think it's probable that, for some people, sexual attraction may be more fluid than others depending on the circumstances.  I've always been hetero, but let's say I was in prison for a long time.  I'm sure I might swing the other way. Oh, hell, I'm thinking too much.

Edited by technorebel
  • Love 3
Pete Martell

Pete Martell

Note to the producers: Consult a calendar. It's 2015. We're trying as hard as we can to get past this crap and you're not helping.

 

TLC has profited off homophobia for years. They likely feel that if it's not broke, don't fix it. 

 

This has gotten so much publicity and it just continues to line their pockets. 

 

I hope they get some big bonuses for all the viewers they teach to hate and fear.

gunderda

gunderda

I actually found it more interesting than I thought it would be.  Kinda odd that it's just a one-off show, maybe they were feeling it out for a series? 

I actually loved Tom(?)! - the single dude. He had great humor.  Didn't mind the other guy (the couple that lost baby stella) but the OTHER guy.. OMGGGGGGGGGGG you can not go out with your wife and then constantly comment on how hot other guys are.  It's not ok for a straight guy to do that with other women when his wife is around and it's not ok for the wife to do it - as much as you say you enjoy it and can look at guys together.... DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL.  And he's going on a camping trip with guys he barely knows... and there was an 'incident' some years ago when guys spent the night at their house and things got 'a little out of hand'.  His wife is slowly dying inside trying to keep that happy face. 

 

At least Tom was honest. He pretty much thought he was gay but just wanted a wife and kids. Maybe it was religious brainwashing but he seemed pretty clear on what he wanted in life. So I hope he finds what he's looking for. 

  • Love 4
technorebel

technorebel

I actually found it more interesting than I thought it would be.  Kinda odd that it's just a one-off show, maybe they were feeling it out for a series? 

I actually loved Tom(?)! - the single dude. He had great humor.  Didn't mind the other guy (the couple that lost baby stella) but the OTHER guy.. OMGGGGGGGGGGG you can not go out with your wife and then constantly comment on how hot other guys are.  It's not ok for a straight guy to do that with other women when his wife is around and it's not ok for the wife to do it - as much as you say you enjoy it and can look at guys together.... DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL.  And he's going on a camping trip with guys he barely knows... and there was an 'incident' some years ago when guys spent the night at their house and things got 'a little out of hand'.  His wife is slowly dying inside trying to keep that happy face. 

 

 

The red-headed couple?  It seemed to me that his wife was egging him on in regard to the waiter, which was weird.  It did make me wonder what happened that night his friends slept over.  Yeah, that camping trip isn't a good idea if he wants to keep his marriage intact.  I'm going to vote them least likely to succeed at fooling themselves for very much longer.

Zahdii

Zahdii

OMGGGGGGGGGGG you can not go out with your wife and then constantly comment on how hot other guys are.  It's not ok for a straight guy to do that with other women when his wife is around and it's not ok for the wife to do it - as much as you say you enjoy it and can look at guys together.... DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL.  And he's going on a camping trip with guys he barely knows... and there was an 'incident' some years ago when guys spent the night at their house and things got 'a little out of hand'.  His wife is slowly dying inside trying to keep that happy face. 

 

 

The red-headed couple?  It seemed to me that his wife was egging him on in regard to the waiter, which was weird.  It did make me wonder what happened that night his friends slept over.  Yeah, that camping trip isn't a good idea if he wants to keep his marriage intact.  I'm going to vote them least likely to succeed at fooling themselves for very much longer.

 

I think that wifey was trying just a bit too hard to show that she's on board with her gay or bisexual husband.  Some people will turn themselves inside out trying to make their reality fit their beliefs or their dreams.

  • Love 1
Shadowcat2576

Shadowcat2576

I avoided reading about the controversy so I did not fully know what to expect. I wasn't too surprised that this was a group of Mormon families. The whole "it's not gay, it's SSA" thing got a bit creepy, the fact that all of them, men and women, were almost like they were reading it off the church pamphlet.

It's sad that religion and society has done so much to convince some people that this is the only "correct" way to have a family. I felt sad for both the men and women on the show because I don't feel any of them are living the fullest lives they could be. Some of the wives in particular just had kind of a dead expressionless look on there faces.

Toaster Strudel

Toaster Strudel

I recorded this program in hopes of finding a treasure trove of snark material, but I just can't.  All these contrivances to satisfy the imaginary requirements of their imaginary god make me very sad.  What a waste of time and effort.  I know it's their journey, and they're putting up brave faces not knowing what it's like to have a partner genuinely finding them attractive, or being attracted to one's life partner.  But then again, it happens with hetero couples too.  From what I have seen of Mormons on TLC (yeah I know, not representative!), they seem sexually constipated and I suspect most are terrible lovers.  Maybe they're not missing out on anything.

  • Love 1
galax-arena

galax-arena

I ended up having mixed feelings about the show.  It's easy to say the men are just in denial, but don't we all know of people who lived a hetero/homo life for a while, and then "switched" to the other side?  I think it's probable that, for some people, sexual attraction may be more fluid than others depending on the circumstances.

Sure - bisexuality/pansexuality is a thing, after all - but I highly doubt that that's the case for these men. Several of them have ties to dangerous conversion therapy groups.
erikdepressant

erikdepressant

When I first heard of the show, I too thought it was going to be a series.  At the end of the program, however, it didn't even seem like a pilot.  It was an infomercial.  There are drugs for E.D., O.A.B., and HepC.  Now the Mormon Church is advertising a product designed to help couples manage the symptoms of SSA.  The show was a carefully packaged message, from the oft-repeated talking points down to the actors hired to be the tempting straw-manvixens.

 

The LDS leadership has realized it's the 1990's, and a person's sexuality is not a choice.  I hate to side with them, but they're correct when they point out that people can choose their behavior.  In the age of instant gratification and consequence-free consumption, the idea of denying oneself anything is shocking.  Exactly how much of yourself or how many of your desires you should deny is a philosophical discussion for someone wiser (and probably another website).  I will only say that once you commit to a monogamous relationship, your sexuality and tastes become irrelevant.

 

I suppose "My Husband is not Bisexual" wouldn't have pulled in the viewers.  The show had to at least address bisexuality, but they did so by sweeping it under the rug.

 

I forget who originally said that the one thing we all have in common sexually is that we're all different.  One guy on the show mentioned that sexual identity is fluid; I'd like to add that we all fall somewhere on a spectrum.  The Church was trying to shill same-sex attraction (SSA) as Gay Lite.  The concept of asexuality never gets much media attention, but I can actually buy that there are men who are attracted to other men, but not enough to actually get physical.  Similarly, I can buy that such guys might want a wife and kids more than they want sexual contact with other men.

 

There are plenty of women out there who tolerate all kinds of infidelity from their husbands as long as they get kids and the man comes home at night.  I thought that the "be supportive" bullshit was a subtle message to good Mormon women to do their duty and keep Mormon men in the church and out of hell.  No wife would ever be okay with her heterosexual husband going on a camping trip with a few nice girls he barely knew.  The LDS progressives are saying: "Don't ask.  Don't tell.  Focus on your duty."

 

I actually felt worst for that older single guy.  Someone who is that funny is usually intelligent, so I can't imagine the mental gymnastics he had/has to do for the program and lifestyle.

 

Note to TLC: I will probably not watch "My Wife is not a Lesbian," "My Son does not have an Oedipus Complex," or "My Dog does not Love My Leg."  Please bring back Trading Spaces.

  • Love 6
futurechemist

futurechemist

As a gay man, I have plenty more to say about this show.  But since I don't think this forum is the right place for a detailed analysis, I'll just summarize.

 

Everyone seems likable, but I feel bad for everyone, especially the kids who are quite possibly going to grow up into some messed up families.

Screw you TLC for giving an hour to this with no other viewpoints, other than 1 article on their website.

Screw you Mormon church for forcing people to choose between their faith and their true selves.  That getting married young and having babies is more important than figuring out who you are.

And for good measure, screw you Men's Wearhouse for showing multiple commercials, all with heterosexual wedding couples.  Because apparently gay men don't get married and need clothes.

  • Love 15
Toaster Strudel

Toaster Strudel

(edited)

Let's let the men and women of TLC's special My Husband's Not Gay speak for themselves.

http://previously.tv/television/i-think-it-can-work-at-least-for-one-night/"> Read the story

 

WOW, reading all these quotes... I feel like they hide so much pain.  It's like they have decorated a jar of pickles with cake frosting, and pretending they're having a birthday party.

Edited by Toaster Strudel
attica

attica

Several hundred years ago, I was courted by a closeted gay man. However much he may have devoutly wished for a [heterosexual] marriage and kids, he simply did not want me. Simultaneously courting and rejecting a person is a deeply unkind thing to do, no matter the good intentions behind it.

 

These women deserve husbands that requite them, and it breaks my heart in a familiar place that they don't think they do. Furthermore, the men deserve to find exactly the kind of love they need, and it's a cruel community that would deny them that.

  • Love 3
Kat

Kat

 

And for good measure, screw you Men's Wearhouse for showing multiple commercials, all with heterosexual wedding couples.  Because apparently gay men don't get married and need clothes.

This advertisement, and its tone-deaf homophobic tones made me so so angry.

 

I pretty much watched this show with my mouth hanging open in shock for the entire 60 minutes. It just left me feeling incredibly sad for everyone involved. Pret and Megan seem like they maybe have the best shot of coming out this whole thing without being too damaged, and maybe the couple who've been married for 20+ years. Did anyone notice if they made mention or showed any photos of that long-married couple having kids? They may be empty-nesters.

 

I'm actually relieved to find out that this mess isn't a series. I don't think I could handle the sadness.

  • Love 1
camom

camom

I was wondering about the family who had been married 20+ years as well.  No kids that as far as we could tell.  It's possible they are in a platonic marriage.  It's also possible the kids said, "Hell No" about being on the show.  That one little girl really didn't have a choice in the matter.  I did feel bad for that couple who lost their baby.  No matter what, that's sad.  I can see why their daughter didn't react much when told that mom is pregnant again.  In her mind, so what?  Mom gets fat, goes to the hospital, has a baby, then everything goes back to the way it was before.  The last baby never came home, so her life was not really affected.

 

I really felt bad for the bachelor who was set up on the date.  You can tell he is really, really trying to live up to his faith, even though he is gay.  Must be a very difficult way to live.

  • Love 1
VioletNevermind

VioletNevermind

Several hundred years ago, I was courted by a closeted gay man. However much he may have devoutly wished for a [heterosexual] marriage and kids, he simply did not want me. Simultaneously courting and rejecting a person is a deeply unkind thing to do, no matter the good intentions behind it.

 

These women deserve husbands that requite them, and it breaks my heart in a familiar place that they don't think they do. Furthermore, the men deserve to find exactly the kind of love they need, and it's a cruel community that would deny them that.

 

I've experienced that very same thing.  I think that's why this show resonated with me so much.  It's not fair to the closeted man or the woman who has to realize that her husband simply isn't as into her as he should be.  I was appalled at the guy who openly flirted with other guys and pointed out how hot they were.  You could clearly see the pain on his wife's face.

 

If this becomes a series, I don't think I'll be watching.

  • Love 1
zxy556575

zxy556575

There's a case to be made for platonic marriages, but that's not what this is. Maybe the wives are truly content with the support, co-parenting, financial stability, and emotional intimacy of couplehood. Even though they have sex, I can also see these particular women not much caring for or about it. But my heart kind of broke for the men. I imagine the 12-year-old me, googly about boys, and the thrill of holding hands, and wondering how my first kiss would feel, and getting nervous and exited and filled with butterflies when dancing with a boy in 8th grade. But to have those feelings for the rest of my life and never get any fulfillment? Sad.

  • Love 6
stanleyk

stanleyk

I didn't watch this and have no interest in seeing it (it sound both deeply homophobic and deeply sad), but this quote is hilarious:

 

I don't feel like I fit the mold of guys that are attracted to other men, other than my deep and abiding love for Broadway show tunes, and the attraction to males. Those are the two things that are kind of gay about me.

 

Buddy? That second thing you listed, the "attraction to males"? That's not something that's "kind of gay." That's the straight-up definition of gay. Gah.

  • Love 1
MrHufflepuff

MrHufflepuff

Ugh.  This was irritating and boring at the same time.  I don't care who people sleep with or marry, but there was a lot of homophobia and stereotyping going on.  Not all gay people like showtunes and there are gay people who like sports.

 

And they keep talking about how it's a choice who you sleep with and a choice of "lifestyle."  But then that one dude passive-voiced everything.  When he was talking about basketball, he said something about how that was a part of masculinty that was denied him.  Who denied him?  Did the gay police show up and tell him he couldn't play basketball?  And when he was talking about the "incident" when some guys spent the night over, that "just happened" or something like that.  So, it's a choice that we have control over, except when it comes to him, and things are denied him and incidents just happen.

 

And wasn't he the one who kept making sexualized comments in front of strangers?  "Did you milk it yourself?"  "I've been to known to like apple pie."  And something about a weiner dog.  Gross.  Keep that shit around people you know well.

 

Featherhat

Featherhat

I think some of these couples are "lavender marriages" where everyone is "same sex attracted" or however they want describe it. It seems like it would be more supportive and less fraught with pain or "incidents" if both parties acknowledged their lack of attraction to each other. Less pressure to "perform" when making babies as well. However I suspect that wouldn't have been interesting enough for TLC, they need the tension of the wives struggling to keep it together.

  • Love 1
cooksdelight

cooksdelight

I found the show fascinating. I had no idea that couples like this existed, but then again I live in a small town and don't get out much. :)

The one thing that bothered me the most was when they told the little girl "Remember when mommy went to the hospital? Well, guess what? She's going to have a baby again!"

The little girl looked so confused for a minute. As if she was wondering if the next baby would die and go to heaven to be an angel. I wish they'd waited longer to know for sure that this pregnancy will be OK.

EllieH

EllieH

 

The whole "it's not gay, it's SSA" thing got a bit creepy, the fact that all of them, men and women, were almost like they were reading it off the church pamphlet.

 

It reminds me of churches who push for "courtship", as opposed to dating, boyfriends/ girlfriends, etc.  I know there's a whole spectrum of "courtship" practices, but at the end of the day it is like dating because you are trying to figure out if you want to get more serious/ married to someone else, its just wrapped up in "holier than thou" packaging.  Same goes with SSA, that church is trying to pitch it as terrible sinner practicing gays vs. SSA, the "better" approach.  Is it just Mormons or are other churches pitching SSA too?

  • Love 2
Intocats

Intocats

I'm not touching this with a 15 ft pole. My views won't be appreciated, and I'm okay with that.

I wonder if you are thinking what I'm thinking?

 

TLC has branded themselves as the "alternative lifestyle" channel, and I would say that the lifestyle of these couples is alternative, but it is of their own choosing.

 

The men have made a conscious decision to suppress their "SSA" or whatever it's called, in favor of the wife, kids, and active church membership...the whole LDS package. That's not necessarily sad, it's just adults making choices. Later on down the road, some of the guys might have a change of heart. Or not.

 

I did feel sorry for the wife who had been married to her husband for years (I think they said 16?) before he disclosed his "SSA". If this had been a dealbreaker for her, she didn't have the opportunity to break the deal before marrying him. The other two women knew about their husbands' inclinations and decided to marry and have children with them, anyway.

 

Did anyone else notice the complete lack of chemistry between Tom (the bachelor whose friends were trying to fix him up) and Emily? Even before Tom walked her out to the porch and confessed that he's attracted to men, Emily couldn't have looked or acted less interested. It had to be awkward doing a blind date with a roomful of strangers and a camera crew, but still...

  • Love 2
sugarbaker design

sugarbaker design

Wow, denial and self-loathing are alive and well and living in Salt Lake City.  So much pity for these guys, I'm gay myself so I know the struggles but I was lucky enough not to be raised Mormon with a built-in support system to keep me from being who I'm supposed to be.  The only people I pity more are the wives.  What kind of self-esteem can these women have to settle for this kind of relationship?  So sad.

 

Brief highlight:  Young self-accepting gay in hipster hat!  If this turns into a series he should be on every week.

 

Creepy highlight:  The homophobic asshole basketball couch telling them they're broken.  I remembered Dustin Lance Black on the Academy Awards.  "that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value and that no matter what anyone tells you, God does love you"

  • Love 2
erikdepressant

erikdepressant

(edited)

???  He didn't seem like a villain to me, he was the one person in this big ship of fools who had some sense.

He didn't seem like one to me personally either, sugarbaker design.  I was referring to his role on the program.  He had the dissenting/discouraging viewpoint.  I don't think they featured even one heterosexual who said "SSA is the same as being gay, and that's that."  And yeah, it is pretty funny that he was the only person who had some sense.

Edited by erikdepressant
sugarbaker design

sugarbaker design

Tomato, tomato, potato, potato.  I saw him as the lone voice of reason.

 

I don't know the producers/writers/directors viewpoint or intent concerning this show.  I do however know the effect it had on me, I'm glad I saw it, I had no idea this kind of thing was still going on.  I never want to hear the term SSA again.  Except if Salt Lake City has a SSA Pride Day Parade.

  • Love 1
Pete Martell

Pete Martell

Tomato, tomato, potato, potato.  I saw him as the lone voice of reason.

 

I don't know the producers/writers/directors viewpoint or intent concerning this show.  I do however know the effect it had on me, I'm glad I saw it, I had no idea this kind of thing was still going on.  I never want to hear the term SSA again.  Except if Salt Lake City has a SSA Pride Day Parade.

 

Considering the producers cast people with very strong ties to ex-gay and reparative therapy groups (and did nothing to explain the dangers of this or their full involvement in these groups), I think they genuinely wanted to give a positive PR push to these groups.

 

http://mediamatters.org/blog/2015/01/08/tlcs-my-husbands-not-gay-stars-a-prominent-ex-g/202062

 

For all the talk of the "gay agenda," someone at TLC seems to have a very anti-gay agenda.

 

The ratings were awful, although if they're that committed, it won't stop more of the same program from being peddled.

 

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/entertainment/tv/tv-guy/os-my-husbands-not-gay-bombs-20150114-post.html

 

http://tvbythenumbers.zap2it.com/2015/01/14/sunday-cable-ratings-real-housewives-of-atlanta-wins-night-the-librarians-shameless-nfl-countdown-more/349515/

  • Love 1
QueenTiye

QueenTiye

Well, without being controversial (or maybe being controversial...whatever) - I don't think there's anything wrong with a man (or woman) freely acknowledging what is being called SSA. Missing in the comments (and I didn't watch the show) is - is this man attracted to THIS woman? OK so, normally you have SSA. We aren't talking about normally. We're talking about the woman right in front of you, who you want to marry. Attracted to HER? all good. Not? Wait. If you're committed to a heterosexual marriage despite SSA - WAIT for that one rare moment when you really ARE attracted. No such thing as 100% anything. Including "gay." That's my opinion, and I'm sticking with it.

  • Love 4
Featherhat

Featherhat

From the show it seemed like most of the couples weren't expecting or experiencing mutual sexual attraction, with the emphasis placed on other aspects of the marriage and "incidents" where things got "out of control" showing where the lay of the land was so to speak.

 

Whether or not any human is 100% anything, let alone those guys is besides the point for me. It seemed like all the guys continued to "struggle" with "SSA" and it was damaging their marriages, whatever they actually feel for their wives. In a culture which tells you to marry young, you may not have the option of waiting for a wife whom you are attracted to and who will also accept the SSA. If you're of the mind set that you have to marry for religious and "being a member of the adult community" reasons then you're more likely to marry the first woman who shares you ideals, that is a good enough friend who says she can cope with you SSA as long as you will be a good husband to her etc than waiting possibly for a long time for a similar person who is one of the few people of that sex you are attracted to.

 

For a lot of them the glib "dump the homophobic religion and move somewhere accepting" just isn't workable on a practical or personal level for some people and marriages where you go in honestly are better than a not giving the woman a the chance to make a decision and lying to her. And breaking away from a culture you desperately want to be a part of and agree with, but which can't accept you and is possibly teaching you not to accept you is horrible. But I wonder how many of guys in these marriages are secretly on the Down Low without their wives knowing, a  fair few I would imagine.

  • Love 2
greekmom

greekmom

The red-headed couple?  It seemed to me that his wife was egging him on in regard to the waiter, which was weird.  It did make me wonder what happened that night his friends slept over.  Yeah, that camping trip isn't a good idea if he wants to keep his marriage intact.  I'm going to vote them least likely to succeed at fooling themselves for very much longer.

OMG that is straight out of a movie called Mambo Italiano. Where the one guy played it "straight" for his mother's sake and married a nice Italian girl but went on "camping trips" with various "buddies".   Nearly spit my coke out with that image! LOL thanks for the laugh.

legaleagle53

legaleagle53

Well, without being controversial (or maybe being controversial...whatever) - I don't think there's anything wrong with a man (or woman) freely acknowledging what is being called SSA. Missing in the comments (and I didn't watch the show) is - is this man attracted to THIS woman? OK so, normally you have SSA. We aren't talking about normally. We're talking about the woman right in front of you, who you want to marry. Attracted to HER? all good. Not? Wait. If you're committed to a heterosexual marriage despite SSA - WAIT for that one rare moment when you really ARE attracted. No such thing as 100% anything. Including "gay." That's my opinion, and I'm sticking with it.

And speaking as someone who IS, always has been, and always WILL be 100% gay, I respectfully disagree.  I've never even kissed a woman, nor can I even imagine doing so -- ever.

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