S01.E01: Welcome To The Valley

[b2H]

Let me be the first to say:

This is like watching paint dry or grass grow…..

[Emmeline]

6 hours ago, ZettaK said:

The OG cast were friends (not Scheana until a lot later, and she is not really anymore).

I was watching old reruns on Bravo with a young Schwartz. He looked a lot like my late father who passed when I was 27 (but my father was dark blond with green eyes). I just saw an old photo from when my father was in his 30s. 

In the earlier years I thought Schwartz was so handsome.  The last few years, not so much.

I can’t stand Jax.  Why does he have to target Kristen’s boyfriend, he see’s like a nice guy.  What does Kristen do for a living?

Edited March 20 by Emmeline

[WaltersHair]

I was so confused because my cable was saying this was a 2 hour Vanderpump Rules episode. Suddenly, all these weirdly boring people were popping up on the screen.

[snarts]

Brittany's tits look like they're about explode. Seriously, there's a visible protruding vein! Don't even get me started on the liposuction. I did not miss her voice  

How much money did she get for weight watchers? How else does Jax have the money to open a sports bar. 

I don't understand why Kristen wouldn't move to Colorado. The man has a house and acreage.

Too soon to comment on the new people but some of them look familiar so I question the validity of the backstory on their friendships. 

 

Edited March 20 by snarts

[FlyingEgret]

Jax's obsession with Kristen's potential pregnancy is reminding me of AnneMarie's obsession with Sutton's esophagus (RHoBH)

[Gharlane]

52 minutes ago, WaltersHair said:

I was so confused because my cable was saying this was a 2 hour Vanderpump Rules episode. Suddenly, all these weirdly boring people were popping up on the screen.

They did the same shit with Stassi suddenly being in a new ep of Summer House.

 

I gave up after 5 minutes or so.

11 hours ago, bosawks said:

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that their version of "close friends" is different than my version of "close friends".

Were we sppsd to recognise anyone other than Jax, Britney, and Kristen? 

[princelina]

I'm out - I watched the cast intros and hated them all - I don't have room for any more reality peeps 😄. Then Jax and Brittany's and Kristen's news and I'm done.  I'm irritated with Kristen for selling that lovely house.  I'll be following along in the forums to make sure I'm not missing anything good though! 😄

[choclatechip45]

Sounds like Kristen should move to Colorado except then she can't be on this show. 

[hoodooznoodooz]

4 hours ago, snarts said:

Brittany's tits look like they're about explode. Seriously, there's a visible protruding vein! Don't even get me started on the liposuction.

Brittany’s breasts looked H O R R I B L E in the golden yellow strapless interview dress. The dress was pinning them down and widening them. 
 

Her chin surgery is also horrifying. Brittany, you looked so cute before you started surgically altering your body.

[hoodooznoodooz]

Jason and Janet seem nice and normal. Janet reminds me of Annaleigh Ashford.

Zack’s hair is the worst.

We are supposed to recognize Daniel Booko from iCarly and Hannah Montana. I never would’ve guessed that he was so short.
 

Jesse seems to hate everyone and to hate being on this show.

[Jst2Wld]

43 minutes ago, hoodooznoodooz said:

Her chin surgery is also horrifying. Brittany, you looked so cute before you started surgically altering your body.

Yes! Her mouth looks weird. Like it's not attached to her face correctly.

These couples are all BORING. But I might occasionally hate watch. And always come here to this thread for the snark!

[CallmeCray]

Jax and Kristen belong together.  He repulses me only slightly more than she does. 

It’s too bad one one of those guys didn’t knock his ass out when he pantsed the short guy.   That was so out of line in that family environment.   Grow up, you stimulant and/or steroid fueled toddler!   He’s hideous.  

Run like hell, Brittany.  You “fell in love” with a TV villain who turned out to be worse than you could have imagined.   It’s too bad you won’t be able to cut him out of your life completely since you share a child.   Hopefully, there will be healthy, normal males in his life to model sanity and normalcy.   

This show won’t last.  I think the cast will be relieved about it, too.  

[politichick]

8 hours ago, princelina said:

I'm out - I watched the cast intros and hated them all - I don't have room for any more reality peeps 😄. Then Jax and Brittany's and Kristen's news and I'm done.  I'm irritated with Kristen for selling that lovely house.  I'll be following along in the forums to make sure I'm not missing anything good though! 😄

I couldn't believe my ears when she said she sold her house for such a fucking stupid reason. Why couldn't the boyfriend move there?

Also, on a superficial note, she looks like crap. Even though I was never a Kristen fan with her over-the-top antics, I did think she was quite attractive. Now she just looks sloppy and desperately needs a haircut.

Jax was ridiculous with his obsession over her pending motherhood.

None of these Valley people are very interesting. God help me for watching.

[bosawks]

I have to drive by a sewage treatment plant on my way home from work and I suspect that it still smells better than Jax.

[politichick]

9 hours ago, choclatechip45 said:

Sounds like Kristen should move to Colorado except then she can't be on this show. 

I couldn't believe my ears when she said she sold her house for such a fucking stupid reason. Why couldn't the boyfriend move there?

Also, on a superficial note, she looks like crap. Even though I was never a Kristen fan with her over-the-top antics, I did think she was quite attractive. Now she just looks sloppy and desperately needs a haircut.

Jax was ridiculous with his obsession over her pending motherhood.

None of these Valley people are very interesting. God help me for watching.

[mytmo]

I'll watch.  My self-respect in regard to what I watch left me years ago.

[bosawks]

53 minutes ago, mytmo said:

I'll watch.  My self-respect in regard to what I watch left me years ago.

BRAVO and self-respect are antithetical.

I have standards they just aren't good ones.......

[TattleTeeny]

Forgive me, I don't know who is who yet and I may be being prematurely judgmental, but all I heard from that one guy was, "I didn't want a baby and I will NOT help."

Edited March 20 by TattleTeeny

[bosawks]

That one couple really seemed to loathe each other.

I did not have on my BINGO card a couple in worse shape that Jax and Britt.

[Mahamid Frauded Me]

Not sure if I can continue watching, other than Janet and Jason, all the other couples seem to hate their partners. So stupid of Kristen to sell that cute house she had to move in with her boyfriend, she should have rented it out.   

[ZettaK]

I watched reluctantly because there was a seamless transfer from Vanderpump Rules (which was done on purpose, of course), but I won't again. The show is extremely boring, and I have no interest in mothers with very young kids. I can't stand Jax who pretends he is a great father, but Cruz was in the pool unattended for some time, and he has health issues. Brittany just shouted at him from far away a couple of times. Jax is also a gossip who can't stop criticizing others! Was he ready for kids? Kristen looks terrible for someone who is only 40, and in the entertainment business (allegedly). The lawyer's wife has Jax's number, and she thinks he is stupid (she is right). The realtors are a train wreck, and the husband is hitting on women in their friend group in front of everybody.

Edited March 22 by ZettaK

[njbchlover]

7 hours ago, politichick said:

I couldn't believe my ears when she said she sold her house for such a fucking stupid reason. Why couldn't the boyfriend move there?

Also, on a superficial note, she looks like crap. Even though I was never a Kristen fan with her over-the-top antics, I did think she was quite attractive. Now she just looks sloppy and desperately needs a haircut.

Jax was ridiculous with his obsession over her pending motherhood.

None of these Valley people are very interesting. God help me for watching.

I wonder if Kristen had to sell her home to avoid foreclosure?

The house Kristen owned is in an expensive area - I can't imagine she's making a whole bunch of money from her not-so-famous t-shirt company and random podcasts.

And, I agree - I hate to be superficial, too, but time has not been good to Kristen.  She looks tired, run-down and very out of shape.  I get that we all change as we age, and, at 40 years old, she, at least,  doesn't appear to have a face full of botox and fillers, but she just looks like she's been wrung tight and hung out to dry, as my grandmother used to say.  Plus, the super long, very dark hair (extensions, maybe?) looks silly and harsh at the same time.

[heatherchandler]

18 hours ago, snarts said:

Brittany's tits look like they're about explode. Seriously, there's a visible protruding vein! Don't even get me started on the liposuction. I did not miss her voice  

How much money did she get for weight watchers? How else does Jax have the money to open a sports bar. 

 

Britney’s voice is so awful.  Also how she says “whenever” when she should say “when.”  Uuugghhhgg!

There is a real housewife that does this too.. Stephanie from RHoD.  It drives me insane.

Jax claimed in that Villains show that she made $2 million.  I definitely don’t believe that.
Although I was also wondering how they were paying their mortgage.

 

13 hours ago, hoodooznoodooz said:

 

Zack’s hair is the worst.

Jesse seems to hate everyone and to hate being on this show.

Is that a wig??  He’s so weird looking!  How did Britney’s friend from home get on this show?

Jesse is a total prick.  He definitely seems to hate everyone, including his wife.  What did he say about their house?  That it’s aspirational or something?  

 

 

Edited March 20 by heatherchandler

[Jaundiced Eye]

18 hours ago, princelina said:

I'm out - I watched the cast intros and hated them all - I don't have room for any more reality peeps 😄. Then Jax and Brittany's and Kristen's news and I'm done.  I'm irritated with Kristen for selling that lovely house.  I'll be following along in the forums to make sure I'm not missing anything good though! 😄

I fell asleep. Not a good sign.

[njbchlover]

18 hours ago, hoodooznoodooz said:

Jason and Janet seem nice and normal. Janet reminds me of Annaleigh Ashford.

Zack’s hair is the worst.

We are supposed to recognize Daniel Booko from iCarly and Hannah Montana. I never would’ve guessed that he was so short.
 

Jesse seems to hate everyone and to hate being on this show.

At first, I thought he was wearing a toupee, but I'm not so sure now.  Either way, Zack's hair looks like it was painted on.  It looks like a bad Vegas Elvis impersonator's hair style/wig.

13 hours ago, bosawks said:

I have to drive by a sewage treatment plant on my way home from work and I suspect that it still smells better than Jax.

Jax, since Season 1 on Vanderpump Rules, always looks super sweaty and greasy, and, like you say, smelly.  

 

[hoodooznoodooz]

1 hour ago, njbchlover said:

At first, I thought he was wearing a toupee, but I'm not so sure now.  Either way, Zack's hair looks like it was painted on.  It looks like a bad Vegas Elvis impersonator's hair style/wig.

Someone on reddit said it looks like a Lego wig!

[JenE4]

I am totally in on this show. I love how all of these people we don’t know are acting all boujee like they’re on the Real Housewives—of an ultra wealthy place. But you’re friends with Jax, Brittany, and Kristin, so we know you can’t be that fancy! 

Illustrating how crass the original-recipe cast is, I’m really surprised Jax didn’t start saying how Brock told him to pull down that guy’s shorts. Meanwhile while Jax was apologizing to the wife, Scheana was there smiling and snickering because she knows it was all her husband’s idea.

[Dirtybubble]

On 3/19/2024 at 11:15 PM, choclatechip45 said:

Sounds like Kristen should move to Colorado except then she can't be on this show. 

I think Kristen, like Jax, are addicted to being in the spotlight or being a reality tv star.  I like Luke but yeah it does make me wonder how well this relationship will work out. 

I really enjoyed this show and I'll continue to watch it.  It's fun, silly drama and humor.  I'd never want to hang out with someone like Jax IRL but for tv he is great!

 

[MaggieG]

Kristen: I'm 40 now. Also Kristen: We had sex behind a tent

I'm also upset she sold her house. It was cute and unique. And different than the exact same models that Jax/Brit, Tom/Ariana and Katie/Tom moved into. Couldn't her ex boyfriend move in with her and they split the mortgage? Oh well.

I'm still learning everyone's names but I do like Janet (the pregnant one) and her husband. 

Spoiler

Not shocked to read that Jesse and his wife who's name I've forgotten split up after filming

 

[Gharlane]

1 hour ago, JenE4 said:

Meanwhile while Jax was apologizing to the wife, Scheana was there smiling and snickering because she knows it was all her husband’s idea.

Did the entire cast of VR make guest appearances?

[JenE4]

9 minutes ago, Gharlane said:

Did the entire cast of VR make guest appearances?

No. Jax and Brittany had a birthday party for another friend of their’s, and Scheana, Brock, and Lala (and of course Kristin) were in attendance.

[heatherchandler]

19 hours ago, ZettaK said:

I watched reluctantly because there was a seamless transfer from Vanderpump Rules (which was done on purpose, of course), but I won't again. The show is extremely boring, and I have no interest in mothers with very young kids. I can't stand Jax who pretends he is a great father, but Cruz was in the pool unattended for some time, and he has health issues. Brittany just shouted at him from far away a couple of times. He is also a gossip who can't stop criticizing others! Was he ready for kids? Kristen looks terrible for someone who is only 40, and in the entertainment business (allegedly). The lawyer's wife has Jax's number, and she thinks he is stupid (she is right). The realtors are a train wreck, and the husband is hitting on women in their friend group in front of everybody.

Cruz has health issues?

It seems like all of the wives hate Jax!  The lawyer’s wife thinks he’s an idiot, the real estate wife too.  And Miss America was crying after Jax pantsed her husband, which was a total asshole move. 

[Panda Bear]

On 3/20/2024 at 7:41 AM, politichick said:

I couldn't believe my ears when she said she sold her house for such a fucking stupid reason. Why couldn't the boyfriend move there?

I'm guessing she actually had to sell it because she got fired from VPR and her book did terribly, so she didn't have enough income. But it's too bad she couldn't have rented it out. 

I liked this more than I thought I would, though it's probably telling that the people I'm most interested in so far are the ones without kids (Zack, Kristen, their friend who looks like Janelle Monae). 

[hoodooznoodooz]

1 hour ago, heatherchandler said:

Cruz has health issues?

It seems like all of the wives hate Jax!  The lawyer’s wife thinks he’s an idiot, the real estate wife too.  And Miss America was crying after Jax pantsed her husband, which was a total asshole move. 

I think Cruz is in speech therapy. 
 

For what it’s worth, my son met with a speech therapist for one month, August of 2011. After that, he wouldn’t shut up. 

[Vivigirl10]

3 hours ago, MaggieG said:

Kristen: I'm 40 now. Also Kristen: We had sex behind a tent

I love this too much - HA!! 

I have a love/hate relationship with Kristen.  I also can't decide what kind of Mom she'd be.  On one hand, I think she would be super loving and kind.  On the other hand, I think she'd drive her daughter to fight another girl and then join in the fight.  

I crossed the street to avoid Lala and Scheana and they followed me.  Ugh.

When the wife in the toxic relationship saw her little girl with the bowl of ice cream she started chastising her like a grown adult, "Ummmm....are you going to have lunch first, I hope????".  Please stop.  You're mad that her Dad got her the ice cream, not her.  She's at a party.  Leave her alone.  Gross. 

I'm sorry, I have a hard time even looking at Brittney.  The fact that she'll address her double chin but not those Franken-tits means that she thinks they look good.  Wow.

20 hours ago, heatherchandler said:

Britney’s voice is so awful.  Also how she says “whenever” when she should say “when.”  Uuugghhhgg!

There is a real housewife that does this too.. Stephanie from RHoD.  It drives me insane.

THIS!!! It's not just these two.  It's a total trend out there in the world right now, I notice it all the time.  "Whenever we first met......" , "Whenever I moved into this house.....", "Whenever I started this job......".  It needs to stop!!! 

[TattleTeeny]

3 hours ago, Vivigirl10 said:

THIS!!! It's not just these two.  It's a total trend out there in the world right now, I notice it all the time.  "Whenever we first met......" , "Whenever I moved into this house.....", "Whenever I started this job......".  It needs to stop!!! 

It's not a trend and it's not recent; it's a regional thing, like pop vs. soda or something.

Edited March 21 by TattleTeeny

[hoodooznoodooz]

Opening your mail in a timely manner is something lawyers do.

[ZettaK]

15 hours ago, heatherchandler said:

Cruz has health issues?

It seems like all of the wives hate Jax!  The lawyer’s wife thinks he’s an idiot, the real estate wife too.  And Miss America was crying after Jax pantsed her husband, which was a total asshole move. 

He has a speech delay, and he is in therapy. But at his age (he was just over two when this was filmed) his parents should be watching him in the pool. I didn't see any other adults nearby either. Yes, they could be at other times, but they were not at least twice on the show. Brittany and Jax were too occupied with the Bravo party. Did I see a nanny? 

Cruz is adorable.

Jax didn't think he was wearing a swimsuit. Well, it was obvious, and what did he think he would wear at a pool party?

Edited March 22 by ZettaK

[hoodooznoodooz]

LVP is an executive producer. I guess she has forgiven Jax and Kirsten. Or more likely, she just thinks she can make money off them. 

Ken Todd is not an EP. 

I saw a nanny shadowing Cruz earlier, when he was near the food.

Nia kind of resembles Rachquel. Maybe it’s a pageant thing they cultivate. Pretty, in a non-threatening way. Vacuous, constant smile.

[hoodooznoodooz]

So you know how Jax is criticizing Kristen for wanting to have a baby OUT OF WEDLOCK?

On the VPR After Show, he says that he thinks, every ten years, a married couple should be able to step back, reassess, and decide whether they want to continue the marriage, or go their separate ways.

[hoodooznoodooz]

Nia’s checklist only included physical qualities. Kind? Intelligent? Witty? Nope. Not important. 
 

I don’t know if her husband has a six-pack or an eight-pack. But he BARELY meets the other criteria.
 

It’s fortunate that she never included “tall” as a requirement. 

[Gharlane]

On 3/20/2024 at 6:10 PM, Jaundiced Eye said:

I fell asleep. Not a good sign.

I watched last night after my workout but have no memory of what I watched. I think I zoned out or am experiencing suppressed memories. 

[Marley]

Jax is a loser and he thinks he’s somehow father of the year when he clearly isn’t.

[ZettaK]

16 hours ago, hoodooznoodooz said:

So you know how Jax is criticizing Kristen for wanting to have a baby OUT OF WEDLOCK?

On the VPR After Show, he says that he thinks, every ten years, a married couple should be able to step back, reassess, and decide whether they want to continue the marriage, or go their separate ways.

Well, it happened well before 10 years. 

[Chatty Cake]

I thought it was kind of boring but I’ll probably give it another chance.  I had a hard time keeping track of who was who.

Did Jax really need to make a comeback? 

[politichick]

On 3/20/2024 at 4:09 PM, ZettaK said:

I watched reluctantly because there was a seamless transfer from Vanderpump Rules (which was done on purpose, of course), but I won't again. The show is extremely boring, and I have no interest in mothers with very young kids. I can't stand Jax who pretends he is a great father, but Cruz was in the pool unattended for some time, and he has health issues. Brittany just shouted at him from far away a couple of times. Jax is also a gossip who can't stop criticizing others! Was he ready for kids? Kristen looks terrible for someone who is only 40, and in the entertainment business (allegedly). The lawyer's wife has Jax's number, and she thinks he is stupid (she is right). The realtors are a train wreck, and the husband is hitting on women in their friend group in front of everybody.

Totally agree. I am surprised every time I see her. She looks sloppy and out of shape. And where did she get those enormous boobs? I'm not saying she needs to be as thin as she was, but she didn't have to let herself go to such an extend.

[Neveragain]

 

As soon as I saw this go straight from VPR to the Valley i thought I might not like it.  That was fresh and magical going from Brandi and Scheana arguing on BH to Scheana walking into Sur to start the new show.  But doing it again is just lazy and not creative.  And then the rest of the show was boring and actually made me feel bad for Kristen, who I don’t even like!

i do want to mention that while I’m in no way defending Jax, ew,  it was actually Brock who told Jax to pull down that guy’s shorts. I’ll give Jax credit for not saying so but Brock should have stepped up.

One and done for me 

[ZettaK]

There are no threads for the show, so I will put it here. The realtors separated recently. 

[Gharlane]

I caught the last few minutes of the pilot and the "This season..." teaser before the new ep of Vanderpump Rules. I can see why I have no memory of watching it the first time it aired!

42 minutes ago, Neveragain said:

As soon as I saw this go straight from VPR to the Valley i thought I might not like it.  That was fresh and magical going from Brandi and Scheana arguing on BH to Scheana walking into Sur to start the new show.  But doing it again is just lazy and not creative.  And then the rest of the show was boring and actually made me feel bad for Kristen, who I don’t even like!

They did it with Stassi and Summer House, but I'm not sure if that was the pilot or the first ep of a new season.

8 minutes ago, ZettaK said:

There are no threads for the show, so I will put it here. The realtors separated recently. 

I think this is the correct thread.