Chit-Chat: What's On Your Mind Today?

PRgal · March 12

Welcome, @zoomama!!! :)

Jeeves · March 13

Hi, @zoomama!! Good to see you here!

Has anyone had any experience with CareCheckers? It's a company that provides a check-in service for people, I think mostly older people, living alone. They offer daily phone calls, but I don't want or need that level of service.

I've just signed up for their $15/month "monitored check in" service. I live alone, and my daily routine over the last year has changed. I used to work temp assignments pretty frequently, but haven't done so for awhile. Also I've lost friends that I used to run around with - to death, disability, declining cognition, moving away, etc. I have a terrific bunch of local relatives but our daily routines just don't intersect.

There are too many days now where I don't have commitments or appointments - such as meeting someone for dinner or logging into an online job. Missing one of those things would prompt people to try to contact me and lead to someone doing a welfare check. I'm looking at getting out and about more, but even so I don't think I'll end up with a busy calendar, and anyway that takes time to work itself out.

I'm generally healthy for my age, but my horizon isn't infinite. If I get sick I can call 911, or in a fairly bad case scenario I could stagger to the front door of my condo and collapse into the hallway, where someone would eventually stumble over me and call for help.

What freaks me out is the idea of my collapsing in here and lying here for days. I like the idea of the daily check-in. If CareCheckers hasn't heard from me by 5pm they will try to contact me and if that doesn't work they will reach out to one of my designated contacts. I have designated three of my local relatives; one's a firefighter, another is a cop, and I trust all three of them literally with my life.

If not CareCheckers, has anyone had experience with a similar service? I couldn't find reviews of CareCheckers which may mean they are totally legit, or may mean they're good at SEO and the bad reviews are buried.

I hope this isn't too morbid. This isn't an issue only for people who are older or in bad health. Plenty of people live alone, work remotely, and it can be easy to slide into a kind of isolation where nobody may realize you have gone quiet.

Thanks.

athousandclowns · March 13

Jevees. My son more or less saved an employees life during lockdown when she logged into his roll call online in the morning and appeared online for a couple of days. He was only a manager for couple of months and his employees are not even in his city nor does he know them age etc.

He texted her twice in the morning with no responce then called her twice at noon with no responce so then called her ICE sister who also worked for his company in another city. The landlord of her apartment couldn’t just open her door he had to call police who first had to talk to my son. She’d been laying on the floor for 3 days and had a stroke related to Covid. Her computer was frozen. So very proud of him. So I asked him how he determines if I’m alive ? Does he look at Facebook to see my political rants? I was being funny but he said yes. So yes I also wonder because he often goes a couple days without texting plus I don’t rant anymore.
I’m in a condo community that I go weeks without seeing a neighbor nor do I really know any.( 3 moves in 4 years). My 2 best friends will be moving to northern CA due to cost of living and they don’t really check in unless they know I’ve been sick. We used to live very close to each other I seem to get into a funk and don’t go to the store for days. I eat like crap not cooking etc. Just year ago I would go to the movies and i was the go to babysitter when grandkids would be sick and staying home from school. I wish I was religious ( had a therapist recommend church because that’s where her friends are.). I didn’t open the link but do I understand you have to check in with them?
I am looking forward to sunshine it helps my mood a great deal, and I’ll open the link —- later

Jeeves · March 13

@athousandclowns - I hope you get some sunshine and that helps your mood. The struggle with depression is real for me in the winter.

I'm so glad to hear that your son saved that woman's life. You're rightfully proud of him!

CareCheckers offers different services.

Care Calls. A real human being calls and talks with you every day. There are different levels of this, it could be once a day or more. The calls could include reminders to take medications. I didn't look too much into this option, but I think that if you don't answer they try again but if they can't get you they reach out to your designated contact(s) and go from there.
Monitored Check-ins. They don't call you - you check in with them. It can be by a call, an email, or a text message. You just contact them that you're okay - even just send an emoji in the text or email. The clients for this, they say, aren't so much elderly people as people living alone, often people who have pets. They run their system at 6pm Eastern and 6pm Pacific every day. If it shows you haven't checked in by then they'll try to contact you. If you don't reply or answer a call, they'll reach out to your designated contact(s).

Can you set up an arrangement with your son where you will at least text each other each day? Even just to say hi, I'm up and okay. If you can get that going, then he could follow up if you missed a text. Just wondering if that would work.

Again, I hope you get some sunshine and start feeling better. And I hope you can meet some neighbors. Sounds like you've moved a lot over the last few years. That's got to be disruptive to your life.

Yeah No · March 13

4 hours ago, athousandclowns said:

Jevees. My son more or less saved an employees life during lockdown when she logged into his roll call online in the morning and appeared online for a couple of days. He was only a manager for couple of months and his employees are not even in his city nor does he know them age etc.

He texted her twice in the morning with no responce then called her twice at noon with no responce so then called her ICE sister who also worked for his company in another city. The landlord of her apartment couldn’t just open her door he had to call police who first had to talk to my son. She’d been laying on the floor for 3 days and had a stroke related to Covid. Her computer was frozen. So very proud of him. So I asked him how he determines if I’m alive ? Does he look at Facebook to see my political rants? I was being funny but he said yes. So yes I also wonder because he often goes a couple days without texting plus I don’t rant anymore.
I’m in a condo community that I go weeks without seeing a neighbor nor do I really know any.( 3 moves in 4 years). My 2 best friends will be moving to northern CA due to cost of living and they don’t really check in unless they know I’ve been sick. We used to live very close to each other I seem to get into a funk and don’t go to the store for days. I eat like crap not cooking etc. Just year ago I would go to the movies and i was the go to babysitter when grandkids would be sick and staying home from school. I wish I was religious ( had a therapist recommend church because that’s where her friends are.). I didn’t open the link but do I understand you have to check in with them?
I am looking forward to sunshine it helps my mood a great deal, and I’ll open the link —- later

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I was my Dad's "care checker" - He would write me an email every day and if he couldn't do that he'd call me. Even so there were times something didn't work and we couldn't reach each other that way so I had his friends' and neighbors' phone numbers who could check on him plus the superintendent of his apartment building.

He used to go to his senior center but that closed and moved somewhere else and he got so old that no one he knew was there anymore and he didn't like it. But I think if I were in your shoes I'd search for a senior center I liked. I have a single friend in NY who is pretty isolated and she has had to push herself to get involved in activities at hers because otherwise she'd get too lonely and depressed. The only one she liked is at a distance from her but it's better than the alternative. Unfortunately I live too far away to get together with her that often so that doesn't help. I know it would be a challenge for me if I were in that position because I'm generally not a joiner and I know I probably wouldn't like most senior centers, so I get it. ((Hugs)). 🤗

Lisa418722 · March 13

I'm single, child-free, and an only child, so these interest me since I have no other family. Right now my mom is still living and every morning we either text or email each other, just "Hey, I'm still alive." But if she weren't around, no one would know if anything happened to me. I work from home, going in about once a month, but I don't know how long it would take for my employer to notice I wasn't checking in. My neighbors wouldn't miss the fact that my car hasn't moved in so many days because there are weeks my car doesn't move. I guess my neighbors might start smelling something after a while - lol.

Caoimhe · March 13

5 hours ago, Lisa418722 said:

I'm single, child-free, and an only child, so these interest me since I have no other family. Right now my mom is still living and every morning we either text or email each other, just "Hey, I'm still alive." But if she weren't around, no one would know if anything happened to me. I work from home, going in about once a month, but I don't know how long it would take for my employer to notice I wasn't checking in. My neighbors wouldn't miss the fact that my car hasn't moved in so many days because there are weeks my car doesn't move. I guess my neighbors might start smelling something after a while - lol.

Right now I have my husband, but I’ve wondered if services like this existed if something happened to him. I don’t have anyone else who would notice a thing and when I see stories of people who died years before being found I sometimes think that could be me someday.

Mindthinkr · March 13

I have an older neighbor who I touch base with at 9-10 am and 5pm every day. I also look to make sure the lights are on at night or I go over to check why not. As the Girl Scouts (or is it Boy Scouts?) say: “Be Prepared”

If you don’t have someone to make this check system with then I think this service is worth it’s weight “in case”.

BetyBee · March 13

My elderly neighbor had the fire department put a box with a key to her unit in it. Only police and fire dept had access. I think it was free. She was falling and injuring herself a lot and then would be away for months for rehab. I always checked on her lights being on in the morning (I get up early) and that they were off at night. We talked on the phone or in person. However, soon after she had that key thing installed, she had another injury (pelvic, I think). I collected her mail for a while and stayed in touch with her daughter. She's in assisted living now and her condo has been vacant for months. I've sent her cards, but no response. Her daughter didn't respond when I asked how her mother was doing. I think that my poor neighbor, who was determined to stay in her home, did not get her wish. 😢

shapeshifter · March 13

1 hour ago, BetyBee said:

My elderly neighbor had the fire department put a box with a key to her unit in it. Only police and fire dept had access. I think it was free. She was falling and injuring herself a lot and then would be away for months for rehab. I always checked on her lights being on in the morning (I get up early) and that they were off at night. We talked on the phone or in person. However, soon after she had that key thing installed, she had another injury (pelvic, I think). I collected her mail for a while and stayed in touch with her daughter. She's in assisted living now and her condo has been vacant for months. I've sent her cards, but no response. Her daughter didn't respond when I asked how her mother was doing. I think that my poor neighbor, who was determined to stay in her home, did not get her wish. 😢

We can only do so much.
My sister put Mom in assisted living. It was awful and more expensive than having in-home care.
I had stage 4 cancer at the time, so wasn't able to exert much influence.
Mom had wanted to go the death-with-dignity route, but that didn't happen either. Her last year she was unable to move or speak and in a diaper, but was able to swallow soup when spooned to her, so she kept on living with zero dignity, since spoon feeding is not extreme measures of life support.
If she'd been at home, other options would have been possible.

My neighbors in my condo unit are elderly (around 90).
One of them has some physical disability now, but still communicates better than people half his age. He shared that his son wanted him to sell his condo and move him to assisted living because getting groceries was such a challenge. I suspect this was understandably motivated by the extreme sellers-market in local real estate. And maybe he should have. IDK. But I did suggest some services "if you want to stay in your home." He started having meals delivered and now has people coming in regularly to clean etc. It's been a year.

peacheslatour · March 13

41 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

We can only do so much.
My sister put Mom in assisted living. It was awful and more expensive than having in-home care.
I had stage 4 cancer at the time, so wasn't able to exert much influence.
Mom had wanted to go the death-with-dignity route, but that didn't happen either. Her last year she was unable to move or speak and in a diaper, but was able to swallow soup when spooned to her, so she kept on living with zero dignity, since spoon feeding is not extreme measures of life support.
If she'd been at home, other options would have been possible.

My neighbors in my condo unit are elderly (around 90).
One of them has some physical disability now, but still communicates better than people half his age. He shared that his son wanted him to sell his condo and move him to assisted living because getting groceries was such a challenge. I suspect this was understandably motivated by the extreme sellers-market in local real estate. And maybe he should have. IDK. But I did suggest some services "if you want to stay in your home." He started having meals delivered and now has people coming in regularly to clean etc. It's been a year.

I'm getting closer to needing some help with this kind of stuff too. My mom chose Physician Assisted Suicide. I will too if I can but for now, I have my husband and my son.

Maisiesmom · March 13

Hi Peaches! I just have a question about Physician Assisted Suicide. How does that work? What is the criteria needed? I ask because my husband has dementia (we have no kids) and is always asking me to kill him-sad but true. Is it legal in all states? If you don't want to answer, just tell me to google it, I guess.

Maisiesmom · March 13

Hi Peaches-me again. I looked it up-don't think it will work here since we don't live in a state where its legal. Sorry to bother you. Have a good day!

peacheslatour · March 13

38 minutes ago, Maisiesmom said:

Hi Peaches-me again. I looked it up-don't think it will work here since we don't live in a state where its legal. Sorry to bother you. Have a good day!

No problem! Yes, we live in Washington state. The voters went for this law years ago and I'm glad they did.

Bastet · March 13

50 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

No problem! Yes, we live in Washington state. The voters went for this law years ago and I'm glad they did.

It's available here in CA, too, and I'm thankful for it.

My parents are both still alive, so I don't call every day, but I will once there is only one of them. If they don't hear from me in several days, they'll call to make sure I'm okay, but it's not a scheduled thing.

peacheslatour · March 13

25 minutes ago, Bastet said:

It's available here in CA, too, and I'm thankful for it.

My parents are both still alive, so I don't call every day, but I will once there is only one of them. If they don't hear from me in several days, they'll call to make sure I'm okay, but it's not a scheduled thing.

That was pretty much what it was like when my mom was alive. After she died. I made my dad call me every day. If I didn't hear from him I would call him but I wanted him to use the phone, he had forgotten how to do so many things and I worried if he forgot how to use the phone, he'd be in trouble during an emergency. I hired a nice woman to come in and help him and it went terribly. She tried to wash his sheets and I had to make her put them back on because he would have a meltdown about "the sheets your mother slept on." After a few days he started using he as a chauffeur. I will never be like my dad.

SweetSable · March 13

Since The Royals forum has been closed, I'm hoping it's okay to post here. I'm just wondering what other folks think about all the goings on with William and Kate - her surgery, the photoshopped picture that's causing such a stir, the affair rumors popping up again, etc.

I haven't heard much about King Charles and his cancer treatment lately. I do hope it's going well.

Bastet · March 13

20 minutes ago, SweetSable said:

Since The Royals forum has been closed, I'm hoping it's okay to post here.

Nope:

shapeshifter · March 13

Thanks @Bastet.

@SweetSable googling with the word Reddit should take you to what seems to be a heavily moderated thread on the most recent topics of that sort.

SweetSable · March 13

21 minutes ago, Bastet said:

Nope:

Interesting. I contacted JTMacc99 first and was told he/she didn't think it would be a problem, but that all but one mod had left this site so he really didn't know. I'm thinking that with only one moderator no one is actually going to keep up with anything being posted.

5 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Thanks @Bastet.

@SweetSable googling with the word Reddit should take you to what seems to be a heavily moderated thread on the most recent topics of that sort.

Thanks. I generally don't go to Reddit but I'll have to give it a try for this.

kristen111 · March 13

OMG, I am going crazy with my dear Cousin. Her husband died leaving Her a millionaire. Basically, we are very close since birth. She was hospitalized 6 mos ago and gave her Son Power of Attorney. She won’t go in assisted living. She has 3 nurses round the clock to help her. She wants to stay in her home. Her Son is robbing her blind. He’s taking out money every week from her retirement account her husband left her and putting it in his account. She hasn’t confronted him about it as she’s afraid. She calls me everyday to complain. He hasn’t paid her electric, gas, cable and other things for three months. She’s received notices she is in arrears, then paid the bills herself before they shut her utilities off. All I can do is listen which I have for months. She’s supposed to confront him today. I hope. Would you believe this shit? I can’t listen too much anymore as it’s making me sick. She basically needs to go into Assisted living. All I can do is listen. Money is the root of all evil. I have NEVER took or asked her for a dime either. We advise her, but she doesn’t listen. The three women who come only make her tea and something to eat. No cleaning up, nothing. They sit there and watch tv. It’s a joke. They cost lots of money to watch things. Sad situation, but our hands are tied. We advise, but she doesn’t listen. Second marriage for both her and husband who died.

Edited March 13 by kristen111

Mondrianyone · March 13

I think you need to step up for her ASAP.

If you suspect someone is a victim of elder abuse, call the NYS Adult Protective Services Helpline at 1-844-697-3505 (8:30 a.m. to 8 p.m., Monday through Friday).

My laptop seems to be having a stroke. I meant to post this link before, but I couldn't. Trying again: https://aging.ny.gov/programs/elder-abuse

Edited March 13 by Mondrianyone

kristen111 · March 13

10 minutes ago, Mondrianyone said:

I think you need to step up for her ASAP.

If you suspect someone is a victim of elder abuse, call the NYS Adult Protective Services Helpline at 1-844-697-3505 (8:30 a.m. to 8 p.m., Monday through Friday).

Thank you for that information. We will see what transpires tonight when she confronts him. The jig is up. She’s now aware.

shapeshifter · March 13

1 hour ago, kristen111 said:

OMG, I am going crazy with my dear Cousin. Her husband died leaving Her a millionaire. Basically, we are very close since birth. She was hospitalized 6 mos ago and gave her Son Power of Attorney. She won’t go in assisted living. She has 3 nurses round the clock to help her. She wants to stay in her home. Her Son is robbing her blind. He’s taking out money every week from her retirement account her husband left her and putting it in his account. She hasn’t confronted him about it as she’s afraid. She calls me everyday to complain. He hasn’t paid her electric, gas, cable and other things for three months. She’s received notices she is in arrears, then paid the bills herself before they shut her utilities off. All I can do is listen which I have for months. She’s supposed to confront him today. I hope. Would you believe this shit? I can’t listen too much anymore as it’s making me sick. She basically needs to go into Assisted living. All I can do is listen. Money is the root of all evil. I have NEVER took or asked her for a dime either. We advise her, but she doesn’t listen. The three women who come only make her tea and something to eat. No cleaning up, nothing. They sit there and watch tv. It’s a joke. They cost lots of money to watch things. Sad situation, but our hands are tied. We advise, but she doesn’t listen. Second marriage for both her and husband who died.

13 minutes ago, Mondrianyone said:

I think you need to step up for her ASAP.

If you suspect someone is a victim of elder abuse, call the NYS Adult Protective Services Helpline at 1-844-697-3505 (8:30 a.m. to 8 p.m., Monday through Friday).

Yes!!!!

Did the son hire these 3 useless women?
From your brief description, I doubt they are licensed or bonded caretakers.

Assisted living can be almost as much of a scam. I've got the horror stories from my mom to share.
A million bucks should pay for your cousin to be comfortable in her home.

Hopefully she will get a reputable attorney to represent her.
Changing passwords on her financial accounts is a first step, but reporting her son's theft to her bank is just as much of an immediate necessity.

7 minutes ago, kristen111 said:

Thank you for that information. We will see what transpires tonight when she confronts him. The jig is up. She’s now aware.

I hope so.

peacheslatour · March 13

10 minutes ago, kristen111 said:

Thank you for that information. We will see what transpires tonight when she confronts him. The jig is up. She’s now aware.

I hope she's not confronting him alone. He sounds capable of anything.

kristen111 · March 13

25 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

I hope she's not confronting him alone. He sounds capable of anything.

She has another Son a few blocks from her. And a wife. They both washed their hands of the situation. My husband doesn’t want to get involved. I don’t blame him. Two Sons and adult Grandsons. Plus, we don’t live near them. I just listen. Plus, she is a going to an Attorney.

Edited March 13 by kristen111

kristen111 · March 13

34 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Yes!!!!

Did the son hire these 3 useless women?
From your brief description, I doubt they are licensed or bonded caretakers.

Assisted living can be almost as much of a scam. I've got the horror stories from my mom to share.
A million bucks should pay for your cousin to be comfortable in her home.

Hopefully she will get a reputable attorney to represent her.
Changing passwords on her financial accounts is a first step, but reporting her son's theft to her bank is just as much of an immediate necessity.

I hope so.

Thanks Everyone. I’ve been preoccupied with this for awhile. She’s always been there for me. She did change some accounts this week, so that’s a big step. I have to ask about the Women who are with her 24 hrs a day. Good idea Shapeshifter. I told her to get rid of them and find others herself.

Edited March 13 by kristen111

annzeepark914 · March 13

@kristen111 She's lucky to have you looking out for her. Good luck.

SweetieDarling · March 13

I know from experience the home health aide situation can be tricky. Some of them try to get away with the least possible effort. My mother had dementia, and I don't know how many aides my sister told the agency to never send back until we found a woman that not only took care of her basic needs, but interacted with her (you'd be surprised). I begged my siblings to consider assisted living. I even did research on the facilities in their area, but they were more concerned with their inheritance, and I was outvoted. I even asked my father at one point (he passed before Mom), "Didn't you save all that money all your life so you could live out your old age in comfort?" and he told me "No, I saved that money to give to you" I almost cried right there at the pizza place counter.

It's a very difficult and stressful position to be in when you're in charge of the care of aging relatives/friends, Every situation is different and goodness knows facilities as well as home care agencies vary in quality and care, regardless of what they claim, and it ain't cheap.

I wish all of you currently in this situation the best. It's hard and may take longer than you hoped/thought, but you can find competent care, and knowing you did what you thought was the best option can be comforting.

kristen111 · March 14

18 minutes ago, SweetieDarling said:

I know from experience the home health aide situation can be tricky. Some of them try to get away with the least possible effort. My mother had dementia, and I don't know how many aides my sister told the agency to never send back until we found a woman that not only took care of her basic needs, but interacted with her (you'd be surprised). I begged my siblings to consider assisted living. I even did research on the facilities in their area, but they were more concerned with their inheritance, and I was outvoted. I even asked my father at one point (he passed before Mom), "Didn't you save all that money all your life so you could live out your old age in comfort?" and he told me "No, I saved that money to give to you" I almost cried right there at the pizza place counter.

It's a very difficult and stressful position to be in when you're in charge of the care of aging relatives/friends, Every situation is different and goodness knows facilities as well as home care agencies vary in quality and care, regardless of what they claim, and it ain't cheap.

I wish all of you currently in this situation the best. It's hard and may take longer than you hoped/thought, but you can find competent care, and knowing you did what you thought was the best option can be comforting.

Thank you for all that. When my husband and I were visiting, all they did was make her tea and take the little dog out. That’s it. A big rip off. They were on their phones the whole time.

shapeshifter · March 14

43 minutes ago, SweetieDarling said:

I know from experience the home health aide situation can be tricky. Some of them try to get away with the least possible effort. My mother had dementia, and I don't know how many aides my sister told the agency to never send back until we found a woman that not only took care of her basic needs, but interacted with her (you'd be surprised). I begged my siblings to consider assisted living. I even did research on the facilities in their area, but they were more concerned with their inheritance, and I was outvoted.…

It's a very difficult and stressful position to be in when you're in charge of the care of aging relatives/friends, Every situation is different and goodness knows facilities as well as home care agencies vary in quality and care, regardless of what they claim, and it ain't cheap.…

My sister was insistent on moving Mom to assisted living because her mother-in-law had uncaring in-home caregivers in Wales, who not only didn't bathe her for months, but stole everything.

But I must caution those who think assisted living is the answer.
The $5,000-$7,000 month (in 2016-2021; they'd be more now) assisted living facilities where Mom spent her last years were awful.
In 2 different facilities on at least 3 occasions my mother fell and was left on the floor for 10-12 hours, even though she had an alert around her neck that she kept pressing for help, and even though the aides were supposed to check her every 2 hours. One time she kept trying to push herself up with her knee and wore away tissue to the bone that took many months to heal.

14 minutes ago, kristen111 said:

When my husband and I were visiting, all they did was make her tea and take the little dog out. That’s it. A big rip off. They were on their phones the whole time.

Likewise, when my sister or I visited Mom, the assisted living aides assumed we would care of her physical needs, including lifting her up off of the couch to go to the bathroom. My first visit after my cancer surgery I had to lift up my shirt and show the aide my fresh scars across my abdomen. Only then did she say, "Okay. So you can't take care of her."

There was one wonderful, angelic caregiver in that facility, but she left a year before Mom passed.
And when this dedicated healthcare worker was there, Mom was just one of 30 people she had to care for on that floor.

Edited March 14 by shapeshifter

stewedsquash · March 14

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

my laptop seems to be having a stroke

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😂

between that and someone posting that Victor Newman should just say he is going to 7/11 to get some milk, my laugh emoji’s are getting a workout in the last couple of days

@Mondrianyone

EtheltoTillie · March 14

@kristen111 this is my line of work. Is this New York State? Please DM me.

Edited March 14 by EtheltoTillie

stewedsquash · March 14

@EtheltoTillie

Do you listen to Handel On The Law podcasts? He also does a lot of what you do along with many other cases and he is hilarious. Listening to him is like being in his office with his speaker phone on and hearing from so many different situations. I take long drives just to listen to him and Jesse Kelly.

#longdriveswithfunnymen

EtheltoTillie · March 14

2 minutes ago, stewedsquash said:

@EtheltoTillie

Do you listen to Handel On The Law podcasts? He also does a lot of what you do along with many other cases and he is hilarious. Listening to him is like being in his office with his speaker phone on and hearing from so many different situations. I take long drives just to listen to him and Jesse Kelly.

#longdriveswithfunnymen

I listened to it once. I may try it again.

EtheltoTillie · March 14

12 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

But I must caution those who think assisted living is the answer.
The $5,000-$7,000 month (in 2016-2021; they'd be more now) assisted living facilities where Mom spent her last years were awful.
In 2 different facilities on at least 3 occasions my mother fell and was left on the floor for 10-12 hours, even though she had an alert around her neck that she kept pressing for help, and even though the aides were supposed to check her every 2 hours. One time she kept trying to push herself up with her knee and wore away tissue to the bone that took many months to heal.

Assisted living is good for some people who are isolated but not yet very physically disabled. Some people, my mother included, like it, because they have activities and so on. At a certain point, my mother couldn't remain alone in her apartment. I persuaded her to move from her long-time apartment in Queens to an assisted living place near me in Manhattan. That way I could walk over and see her frequently, and she had her meals prepared and eaten in the group dining room and enjoyed the activities and people. It is not good for the people in the situation Shapeshifter just described, where they really need their own assigned aide 24 hours a day. You can hire that privately. It's very expensive.

I could have hired aides to help my mother in her old apartment, but then I was still driving an hour each way to visit her. She actually was happy to move to the assisted living place in the end because I actually saw her more frequently.

In New York we also have a robust Medicaid program for paying for home care aides in the home. There are people who do asset protection to qualify financially for this program. Then people can remain in their own apartments.

12 hours ago, kristen111 said:

Thank you for all that. When my husband and I were visiting, all they did was make her tea and take the little dog out. That’s it. A big rip off. They were on their phones the whole time.

This is very typical, unfortunately. But do they make her meals? Do they help her to the bathroom if she needs it? Do they clean or change sheets? There is a tremendous amount of downtime in the home aide world where someone needs 24-hour coverage. It's part of the package. There is usually not much to do all day but the aides are there for protection.

13 hours ago, SweetieDarling said:

I know from experience the home health aide situation can be tricky. Some of them try to get away with the least possible effort. My mother had dementia, and I don't know how many aides my sister told the agency to never send back until we found a woman that not only took care of her basic needs, but interacted with her (you'd be surprised). I begged my siblings to consider assisted living. I even did research on the facilities in their area, but they were more concerned with their inheritance, and I was outvoted. I even asked my father at one point (he passed before Mom), "Didn't you save all that money all your life so you could live out your old age in comfort?" and he told me "No, I saved that money to give to you" I almost cried right there at the pizza place counter.

It's a very difficult and stressful position to be in when you're in charge of the care of aging relatives/friends, Every situation is different and goodness knows facilities as well as home care agencies vary in quality and care, regardless of what they claim, and it ain't cheap.

I wish all of you currently in this situation the best. It's hard and may take longer than you hoped/thought, but you can find competent care, and knowing you did what you thought was the best option can be comforting.

Yes to all you said. There are no easy answers and every situation is different.

EtheltoTillie · March 14

14 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Hopefully she will get a reputable attorney to represent her.
Changing passwords on her financial accounts is a first step, but reporting her son's theft to her bank is just as much of an immediate necessity.

I hope so.

APS sounds good in theory, but In NYC APS is not a good first step in every situation. They don't do what you think they do. Ask me how I know . . . Anyway, this person seems to have other resources and should find a good attorney. She seems to have her mental faculties.

kristen111 · March 14

18 minutes ago, EtheltoTillie said:

APS sounds good in theory, but In NYC APS is not a good first step in every situation. They don't do what you think they do. Ask me how I know . . . Anyway, this person seems to have other resources and should find a good attorney. She seems to have her mental faculties.

Yes, she has an Attorney, and has changed names on all her accounts. Got a new American Express card also. Things are in place little by little. The aids help her bathe and change sheets. She orders food from outside. No cooking. I can’t wait to see if she confronted the Son. He’s making her think she’s incompetent, but she has all her marbles. The other Son knows that.

Yeah No · March 14

33 minutes ago, kristen111 said:

Yes, she has an Attorney, and has changed names on all her accounts. Got a new American Express card also. Things are in place little by little. The aids help her bathe and change sheets. She orders food from outside. No cooking. I can’t wait to see if she confronted the Son. He’s making her think she’s incompetent, but she has all her marbles. The other Son knows that.

That's good to hear. I hope that stops whoever is taking advantage of her financially. I know next to nothing about this but a friend of mine had to get financial guardianship for his mother in law because some of her kids were robbing her bank account blind and making charges on her credit cards fraudulently.

shapeshifter · March 14

22 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

That's good to hear. I hope that stops whoever is taking advantage of her financially. I know next to nothing about this but a friend of mine had to get financial guardianship for his mother in law because some of her kids were robbing her bank account blind and making charges on her credit cards fraudulently.

Was any of the stolen money ever returned?
I guess that's not likely to make her financially whole again, because even if the thieves face legal consequences, I'm guessing any actual financial restitution would just offset the expenses needed to get to that point.
Still, legal consequences could be a future deterrent.

peacheslatour · March 14

1 hour ago, Yeah No said:

That's good to hear. I hope that stops whoever is taking advantage of her financially. I know next to nothing about this but a friend of mine had to get financial guardianship for his mother in law because some of her kids were robbing her bank account blind and making charges on her credit cards fraudulently.

With my dad, he would give money to any rando with a sob story that called his house. When we finally cleaned his house out, he had mail of every description on every surface in the kitchen and it was a huge kitchen. He didn't pay his bills, so I took that job. Then there was the day I found an old space heater, going full blast behind my mom's desk in the office. For TWO years. I turned it off and when I went to unplug it, the cord, plug, everything fell apart in my hand. I've never been so horrified in my life.

kristen111 · March 14

2 hours ago, Yeah No said:

That's good to hear. I hope that stops whoever is taking advantage of her financially. I know next to nothing about this but a friend of mine had to get financial guardianship for his mother in law because some of her kids were robbing her bank account blind and making charges on her credit cards fraudulently.

That’s exactly what is happening to her. Her one Son is robbing her blind and she hasn’t confronted him yet. She feels sorry for him. I just told her I don’t want to hear about her Fidelity account or her money problems if she doesn’t have it out with him. This is not my problem, as she has two Sons and Adult Grandkids. I don’t need this shit. Plus all of you here on this board have been wonderful with answers and tips on how to deal with this. If she wants to be stupid, it is not our problem. Thanks everyone for all the input. I more or less told her to shit or get off the pot. I can’t listen anymore if she does nothing about it. Case closed. 🤑🤷‍♂️

kristen111 · March 14

6 hours ago, peacheslatour said:

With my dad, he would give money to any rando with a sob story that called his house. When we finally cleaned his house out, he had mail of every description on every surface in the kitchen and it was a huge kitchen. He didn't pay his bills, so I took that job. Then there was the day I found an old space heater, going full blast behind my mom's desk in the office. For TWO years. I turned it off and when I went to unplug it, the cord, plug, everything fell apart in my hand. I've never been so horrified in my life.

What a sad thing to happen. There could have been a big fire. When I was little, I remember old Grandparents in my friends houses. They were being taken care of by the friends two parents in a room of their own. Now, nobody wants to be bothered with taking care of aging parents. I was lucky. My Mom died watching her favorite soap opera in the late afternoon in her favorite chair. My Father died in hospital of a urinary infection at 95 while I held him in my arms. What a nice way to go for them and me. Sorry to go on n on.. On to nicer things.

Yeah No · March 17

On 3/14/2024 at 10:33 AM, shapeshifter said:

Was any of the stolen money ever returned?
I guess that's not likely to make her financially whole again, because even if the thieves face legal consequences, I'm guessing any actual financial restitution would just offset the expenses needed to get to that point.
Still, legal consequences could be a future deterrent.

I don't know what happened there to be honest. I do know that the grandson that was leeching off her and living in her house without paying rent was forced out, but I don't know if he or any of her kids that were also involved ever faced legal consequences. I feel so bad for these friends and I don't talk to them often enough to have followed up on that. When I do talk to them I try not to bring up sore subjects unless they bring them up first. I do get the sense that at least more damage was prevented so that's good.

On 3/14/2024 at 11:38 AM, peacheslatour said:

With my dad, he would give money to any rando with a sob story that called his house. When we finally cleaned his house out, he had mail of every description on every surface in the kitchen and it was a huge kitchen. He didn't pay his bills, so I took that job. Then there was the day I found an old space heater, going full blast behind my mom's desk in the office. For TWO years. I turned it off and when I went to unplug it, the cord, plug, everything fell apart in my hand. I've never been so horrified in my life.

I'm so sorry to hear that. That was my biggest fear with my dad but fortunately he never gave away money or let people take advantage of him. Fortunately we had a joint bank account and I was paying his bills so I would know if he did. I too found a very old and frayed electrical wire on a desk almost touching a bookcase when we cleared out his apartment and that could have been a tragedy, so I hear you!

He did take in a boarder without my knowledge, though - a woman he knew for years from his local pub. She was actually a one-time lawyer but had multiple problems like alcoholism plus she was partially disabled with numerous medical issues. She was about 15 years his junior. I was shocked - he didn't tell me he was doing this and my lawyer friend went nuts and told me to get her out because of the liability issues as I owned the apartment and if anything happened to her there it would be my responsibility. Plus if my Dad died while she was living there I could be stuck with her thanks to the NYC tenancy laws (I know @EtheltoTillie is probably cringing as I write this). She was estranged from whatever family she had left and they didn't want anything to do with her.

As you can imagine I went through a lot of hell with this for a couple of years until she actually died. At one point on my insistence she did get placed in housing for about a year, but it was all the way out in Queens and she didn't drive or know anyone out there so she eventually ended up back at my father's apartment and he tried to hide it from me. Of course his friend/cleaning person clued me in about it. By that point I was at the end of my rope with it but she did her best to appease me by helping my father with things around the house and I saw her rent checks getting deposited into my joint account with my Dad. So I knew she wasn't taking advantage of him. She died only a few months after that, less than a year before the pandemic. I hate to say I got caught a big break with that. Then of course only a month into the pandemic my Dad died of Covid.

What a nightmare, but again in the big picture I got caught a break with that too because the next step might have been putting him into assisted living and I know he would have resisted that. He already had nurses coming in a lot so we probably would have looked into "in place" solutions, but me living 110 miles away would have only made this difficult to supervise. It was already difficult. Plus he didn't have that much money saved and I already owned the apartment so whatever was done would have had to be on some kind of assistance. He was in a category where he got good monthly benefits (he was a WWII vet. and career Army guy for decades and then had pensions from TIAA) but by the time he was at the end of his life it wasn't enough to have much left over when all his bills were paid.

I just want to say that my father's behavior in his final years was so far from what he was like for most of his life it was shocking and depressing. He was THE most level headed, responsible guy ever and would never have done this kind of stuff in his right mind. After his death I figured out what he was suffering from - It wasn't full dementia or Alzheimer's but a form of mild cognitive impairment that mostly affected his judgment and of course his memory. He was never diagnosed because he fooled everyone. But I knew him better than anyone and recognized the signs when I read about this condition.

Edited March 17 by Yeah No

Yeah No · March 17

On 3/14/2024 at 6:34 PM, kristen111 said:

What a sad thing to happen. There could have been a big fire. When I was little, I remember old Grandparents in my friends houses. They were being taken care of by the friends two parents in a room of their own. Now, nobody wants to be bothered with taking care of aging parents. I was lucky. My Mom died watching her favorite soap opera in the late afternoon in her favorite chair. My Father died in hospital of a urinary infection at 95 while I held him in my arms. What a nice way to go for them and me. Sorry to go on n on.. On to nicer things.

My father's death was truly tragic and I don't think I'll ever get over it. But my Mom died just the way she would have wanted to go. She had just made veal cutlets for lunch with my Dad. Shortly after that she collapsed on the floor and couldn't be revived. My father called the ambulance. She had a blood clot to the brain. She had a premonition that she was going to die and that was not at all like her to have or talk about so it was weird. Yes, thanks for sharing that, but on to nicer things!

kristen111 · March 17

4 hours ago, Yeah No said:

My father's death was truly tragic and I don't think I'll ever get over it. But my Mom died just the way she would have wanted to go. She had just made veal cutlets for lunch with my Dad. Shortly after that she collapsed on the floor and couldn't be revived. My father called the ambulance. She had a blood clot to the brain. She had a premonition that she was going to die and that was not at all like her to have or talk about so it was weird. Yes, thanks for sharing that, but on to nicer things!

Well, I have to elaborate on that, so pardon me everyone. My Mom had the same think happen. A blood clot to the brain. That morning, my niece popped in to my Parents house from Florida. She lost her job and needed money, so came up to my parents house. My Mother called me three times that day and was nervous that my niece was there and wanted to tak the train to the City and decompress. My Mom gave her $100 to go, but was very nervous of her going alone on the train and was upset and crying. I couldn’t go to my Moms house as I was 45 minutes away and had to pick up my kids from school for a doctors appt. So, I always have that episode on my mind. It was nobodies fault, but there was too much commotion there that day for aging nervous parents. Sorry to go on. I get how you feel also. ❤️

kristen111 · March 17

BTW Everyone. My Cousin did not confront her Crook Son about scamming her money yet, would you all believe? I’m having a few five minute conversations with her and that’s it. Not until she comes clean with him. I won’t be her sounding board and get upset anymore if she les him get away with everything. Am I on the right board here, or does this belong on Peeves?

Edited March 17 by kristen111

Yeah No · March 17

3 minutes ago, kristen111 said:

Well, I have to elaborate on that, so pardon me everyone. My Mom had the same think happen. A blood clot to the brain. That morning, my niece popped in to my Parents house from Florida. She lost her job and needed money, so came up to my parents house. My Mother called me three times that day and was nervous that my niece was there and wanted to tak the train to the City and decompress. My Mom gave her $100 to go, but was very nervous of her going alone on the train and was upset and crying. I couldn’t go to my Moms house as I was 45 minutes away and had to pick up my kids from school for a doctors appt. So, I always have that episode on my mind. It was nobodies fault, but there was too much commotion there that day for aging nervous parents. Sorry to go on. I get how you feel also. ❤️

Awwww.....hugs to you, don't be sorry. 🤗 So sad. I get it. My mom had just gotten out of 3 weeks in the hospital with an infection they couldn't get down for a while. The doctors were all very positive about her recovery when they released her but for some reason there was some kind of shortage of rehab. facilities at that moment so they sent her home and told her to take it easy. Of course my mom was so happy to be home again that she probably overdid it. My father said later he kept telling her to relax but she kept doing stuff around the house. I don't think that helped. For me it was tragic because I had been driving down 100 miles each way 3 times a week to see her. But right before she was released from the hospital I had just gotten a new job as a temp. and was hoping to get the job (I later did) so I told her I'd see her the next weekend (she was released on a Tuesday). Well she didn't make it to that weekend. At least she got to eat her fabulous veal cutlet for one last time.....

ECM1231 · March 17

shapeshifter · March 17

2 hours ago, kristen111 said:

BTW Everyone. My Cousin did not confront her Crook Son about scamming her money yet, would you all believe?…
…Am I on the right board here, or does this belong on Peeves?

It's not you, @kristen111; it's part of general world chaos.

-·=» 𝕡𝕙𝕠𝕥𝕠 𝕠𝕗 𝕕𝕒𝕦𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕖𝕣'𝕤 𝕜𝕚𝕥𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕘𝕠𝕖𝕤 𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 «=·-

And the non-TV threads here are a bit discombobulated.

But this *is* the thread where you shared the story of your cousin.

However, under:

Everything Else,
there is also this 48-page thread:
- Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

I see there are also 2 Pet Peeves threads.🙄
One Pet Peeves thread is under Everything Else,
the other Pet Peeves thread is under Health & Wellness,
which I guess is supposed to be different than the Health and Wellness Chit-Chat: Your Primary Care Topic.🙃

BTW, the Health & Wellness board is weirdly positioned at the top of the Everything Else page — so not quite a subcategory — seemingly more of a detour.

But considering that this was all set up by unpaid volunteers, it's really not too bad.

This [dis]organization reminds me of librarians who were using the Dewey Decimal System choosing to classify Computer Science books under General Works instead of under Science.
Noticing this in the early 1990s, I thought: Huh?

Similarly and equally frustrating, in the Library of Congress Classification System, books on Women's Studies have their own area of the library in the HQs, but, as one librarian points out to library users here, that is an imperfect system at best:

Quote

Browsing Gender Studies Books in TJ Library

You could go up to the stacks on Levels 1 and 4 and take a look at the books for yourself. Since the books are arranged by subject, any good book you find is likely to have more near it.

Call Numbers

Most books specifically on feminism, gender or women's studies are in the HQ range, which you can find on Level 4. However, many other parts of the library's collection cover the relation of women or gender to certain topics. For example, here are some call numbers you may find useful:

TJL 1st floor

BF 692 - 692.5 Psychology, sex and gender

TJL 4th floor

HB 72 Economics and social justice

HD 6053 - 6223 Women and work

HQ 12 - 449 Sexual life

HQ 75 - 76.9 Bisexual, gay and lesbian studies

HQ 77 - 77.95 Transgender studies

HQ 503 - 1064 Marriage and the family

HQ 1075 - 1075.5 Sex role

HQ 1101 - 2030.7 Women and feminism

HQ 1121 - 1150 Women's history

HV 6626 Domestic abuse

KF 4758 Legislation and women's rights

P 94.5 W65 Women in the media

PN 471 - 494 Women writers and women in literature

RA 564.83 - 564.9 Health and gender, health and sexuality

RC 451.4 - 451.5 Mental health and gender, mental health and ethnicity

Of course, there are likely to be many relevant books outside these call ranges! Many books cover a topic as it relates to the role of gender, but are shelved with the other books on those subjects. For instances, you can find books about Japanese women writers among the books on Japanese literature.

Edited March 17 by shapeshifter

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