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David T. Cole

Small Talk: 90 Words Per Minute

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I'm gonna play devil's advocate and say that a lot of "western" women know exactly what they are getting into when they get involved with these men... they just pretend that they don't. Willful ignorance is not cute. It gets on my nerves when women play the victim after they have purposefully turned a blind eye to the truth. I have read about women travelling to African countries specifically for this type of thing. They know that they are being played but pretend that they don't so that they can then feign outrage when they realize that the young man already has a wife and/or kids and is just in it for some sort of gain.

It's not just women.

I have a friend who was so desperate for a wife after his wife left him, he was chatting with women from all over. Mostly from Russia and Europe. He wanted a subservient woman who would just be grateful to have him for a husband, and would not leave him as his wife did.

One woman in Russia took him for $1000 so she could get a visa and come to the U.S. He never heard from her again.

He eventually married a woman who was in danger of being deported back to Europe after living here illegally for a dozen years. She got her green card immediately.

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Yep... absolutely. Also the men get to have young hot wives (that they likely could not pull in America) who are dependent on them for everything... what an ego boost.  

Edited by Bandolero
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Which is exactly what he was looking for after a hurtful divorce. Boy, there must be thousands of stories out there just like the ones we are seeing play out.

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Yesterday, I watch a show called  "My Online Bride" about British men going overseas to find wives. Anyone see it ?

I saw it!  Definitely more creepy and darker than 90 day Fiance'!

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Yesterday, I watch a show called  "My Online Bride" about British men going overseas to find wives. Anyone see it ?

I did see it! It was, like someone else said, so much darker. It made it feel like to these men, these women were just interchangeable. At least in this show, there is some level of getting to know the person, and some that were actually not even online initially. But in My Online Bride, there was a scene where the guy went to a mixer with 100 women. All the guys looked like they were just looking at the women like objects. I'd rather have the hint of affection that is on this show. That one just grossed me out. 

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Yesterday, I watch a show called  "My Online Bride" about British men going overseas to find wives. Anyone see it ?

Did a search and can't find a listing for it in my service...

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Yesterday, I watch a show called  "My Online Bride" about British men going overseas to find wives. Anyone see it ?

Did a search and can't find a listing for it in my service...

It's a British show from the looks of it... I found it on Youtube. (Narrated by Billy Piper for you Doctor Who fans)

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I tried to watch the first 15 mins or so of My Online Bride and was sufficiently creeped out and changed the channel. I don't really like the idea of plugging in all your "perfect" woman's characteristics into a database and then expecting one of them to just magically like you. Especially since none of the men I saw were anything all that fantastic. To me it just seemed like lonely men trying to buy themselves a foreign woman that is much prettier than the type they would attract in England. I mean that is fine and all since everyone's an adult....but let's be honest that the majority of those online relationships are more about an arrangement rather than love.

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We were talking about vocal fry in another tab. I wanted to share the video I watched when I first heard about vocal fry. The woman in the video seems to be a professional singer and/or speech therapist. She gives good examples of vocal fry. She also explains how the sound is made and why and why it can actually damage your voice.

This is an interesting video and a good example of what vocal fry sounds like, but I get so frustrated when people ascribe vocal fry or creaky voice to laziness/stupidity/wanting to be popular/whatever. I totally get why it's annoying to hear, but I do it, and it's REALLY hard to not do it. I am not consciously doing it to sound cool (?) or whatever the woman in the video claims. I wasn't even aware I did it until it came up in one of my linguistics classes a while ago. I just end up feeling bad for Chelsea; likely she has no idea she does it, either, and doesn't know people are getting annoyed listening to her.

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The young guy that "accidently" slept with the girl who was housing him was an idiot... The girl was sweet, beautiful, and a total catch. He was single because he was an idiot at home, and it looks like he'll continue to be single abroad.

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So, the guy who "accidently" sleep with the girl who let him stay in her apt. Why did they break up?

 

He sounds like the typical male. 'Get it and go'.

 

Chris, a 46 yr old very overweight guy goes a "romance tour of Bangkok" and falls in love with a very young woman (how old was she? 23/24?) who's family "got out he calculator and began demanding money,. "heartbroken he ended the "relationship, which had lasted less then 24 hours"

 

Kinda felt bad for Chris. He's should hookup with Danielle. They look like a couple.

Edited by Taylorh2
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So, the guy who "accidently" sleep with the girl who let him stay in her apt. Why did they break up?

 

He sounds like the typical male. 'Get it and go'.

 

He claimed that "it was all happening too quickly" and felt like he still needed to see other women to be sure,and eventually his attitude was it wouldn't be fair to "settle" for the girl he slept with - even though none of the other women he got paired with through his service liked him even the littlest bit.

 

Chris, a 46 yr old very overweight guy goes a "romance tour of Bangkok" and falls in love with very young women (how old was she? 23/24?) who's family "got out he calculator  began demanding money. "heartbroken he ended the "relationship, which had lasted less then 24 hours"

 

Not speaking from experience, but I think that the men that subscribe to these sorts of services are pretty lonely guys that will latch onto any glimmer of hope of having a relationship with a woman when given a chance. When these guys who probably get ignored regularly in their normal lives at home and come to a mixer where women are throwing themselves at them and tell them how handsome and interesting they are, that has to play with their heads pretty significantly.

 

To see that illusion shattered so harshly, and to be so immediately shown that he's a meal ticket in a harsh mail order bride industry has to be pretty depressing... even if they know ahead of time that this is going to be the case. There's that hope that "this girl is different and not like the others".

 

I think Chris' reaction was more in reaction to the rapid disillusionment of the whole grand romantic adventure.

Edited by locomoco
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As someone suggested, you can find my online bride by going to youtube and typing in my online bride and someone has upload the first episode in four parts.  I didn't think it was very compelling.

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Did anyone watch the episiode of Our American with Lisa Ling about online brides? It really gives a different perspective on the whole international dating business. They focused specifically on Columbia. I felt so bad for the women, they are so desperate to marry an American that they are willing to give up their dignity for it. I always assumed it was because of the poverty that many women are born into, but several of the women interviewed commented that men in Columbia are not interested in marriage or family or are not willing or able to get married. I was wondering what the  deal was with that. 

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It is similar in the Philippines by the time a woman reaches Aya or Daya's ages there are few single men left available for marriage. The pinoy male has a reputation for cheating and it is pretty much socially accepted as long as he does not embarrass the legal family and cares for his mistresses children. Add in to the fact there is no divorce so besides widowers there are not many men old enough for them. There is no army of divorced local men willing to give it a second chance. Only separated men and married men looking for a side woman who will take on a girlfriend where adultery laws are still on the books and occasionally prosecuted. 

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Here's another if you have time. She should be on Uncle Phil's but having the one on one video is good too:

 

<object width="420" height="315"><param name="movie" value="//www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnyicjHoN5s?hl=en_US&version=3&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="//www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnyicjHoN5s?hl=en_US&version=3&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>


Hmmm, why didn't the video embed?

Edited by ethalfrida

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This is an interesting video and a good example of what vocal fry sounds like, but I get so frustrated when people ascribe vocal fry or creaky voice to laziness/stupidity/wanting to be popular/whatever. I totally get why it's annoying to hear, but I do it, and it's REALLY hard to not do it. I am not consciously doing it to sound cool (?) or whatever the woman in the video claims. I wasn't even aware I did it until it came up in one of my linguistics classes a while ago. I just end up feeling bad for Chelsea; likely she has no idea she does it, either, and doesn't know people are getting annoyed listening to her.

 

I'm the same way, but with uptalking, which is another vocal 'tic' that a lot of people have a negative reaction to. But hey, I was a blonde, white girl who spent her entire adolescence in the Valley in the mid-90s. I never had a prayer! LOL

 

But it's an unconscious way of speaking for most women who do it, just like the vocal fry is. There's actually been a lot of research done about uptalking (not sure about the vocal fry since it's not something I do), and not all of the research is bad. It seems that uptalkers actually tend to 'hold the floor' more when there are conversations with large groups of people, and people really listen.

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He claimed that "it was all happening too quickly" and felt like he still needed to see other women to be sure,and eventually his attitude was it wouldn't be fair to "settle" for the girl he slept with - even though none of the other women he got paired with through his service liked him even the littlest bit.

 

 

Not speaking from experience, but I think that the men that subscribe to these sorts of services are pretty lonely guys that will latch onto any glimmer of hope of having a relationship with a woman when given a chance. When these guys who probably get ignored regularly in their normal lives at home and come to a mixer where women are throwing themselves at them and tell them how handsome and interesting they are, that has to play with their heads pretty significantly.

 

To see that illusion shattered so harshly, and to be so immediately shown that he's a meal ticket in a harsh mail order bride industry has to be pretty depressing... even if they know ahead of time that this is going to be the case. There's that hope that "this girl is different and not like the others".

 

I think Chris' reaction was more in reaction to the rapid disillusionment of the whole grand romantic adventure.

I felt bad for that girl, until we found out she was pregnant and dating another guy from overseas.  What was up with her wig?  Women from those cultures normally have such beautiful hair, why the disguise??

 

As for Chris, I don't know, he can sort of suck it in my book.  Yeah, the family approached the topic of money rather quickly, but did he really think someone like 20 years younger than him from an economically depressed country was really interested in him because he was so cute and captivating?  They couldn't even talk to each other beyond a few basic words/phrases.  It's not like he liked her for her sparkling personality, he had to have imagined that the topic of money would come up at some point.  It seemed like the basic theme that runs through all of these relationships.  Girl is young and pretty, guy is older and economically stable.  Each get something in the trade off.  I mean he is taking advantage of the fact that she comes from a poor villiage, so he can get a pretty girl, he is using his superior economic position to get a girl, but then is confused and offended when someone wants to take him up on the other end of the bargain?

 

As for the guy who didn't want to "settle" you know you're not a sexy specimen when women in an economically depressed country with like a 4 to 1 ratio in favor of men are telling you you aren't good enough.  And you're only in your 20's, I laughed when he asked the one girl if she wanted cab fare and she was like "uhh, yes!" go on girl...milk that sucker!

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All the recent talk about the culture shock of someone coming to the U.S. into a small town in nowheresville, reminded me of a somewhat opposite experience I had.

I went to England and had made arrangements to stay with a couple of guys in their home near the eastern coast in Lincolnshire. The town was small, yet beautiful. They cooked for me, took me to the local nightspots (one place called the Axe & The Cleaver nearly scared me, but it ended up being fun) and to some of the historical places in their area. We took the train over to Stonehenge, saw some castles, etc. I knew what to expect going over there. One of the brothers had been to the U.S., but he went to Las Vegas, New York City, and thought that's all there was to the U.S.

I invited them to visit me in the U.S. and the younger brother decided to fly over to Dulles, where I picked him up and drove him to my home in Richmond. While he was visiting, I took him to D.C. to the Air & Space Museum, then bought a copy of Apollo 13 to put it into perspective for him. "You all are really good at saving things here" was part of his amazement at how we hoarded all of our historical artifacts in the various museums. The pedestrian crosswalks scared him. "The roads are massive here!" And so on...it was like seeing my country from a new set of eyes. I took him to Philly, to Indepedence Hall (they got a kick out of him there), to Jamestown, to Williamsburg, Charlottesville... anywhere I could think of that related back to his country.

I think on this show, we're missing that. We see these couples just shacked up in a house or apartment, never really doing anything of any significance that shows that the guy or girl who lives here really wants their potential other half to appreciate their surroundings. Going to a bar or the beach just isn't enough, in my opinion.

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All the recent talk about the culture shock of someone coming to the U.S. into a small town in nowheresville, reminded me of a somewhat opposite experience I had.

I went to England and had made arrangements to stay with a couple of guys in their home near the eastern coast in Lincolnshire. The town was small, yet beautiful. They cooked for me, took me to the local nightspots (one place called the Axe & The Cleaver nearly scared me, but it ended up being fun) and to some of the historical places in their area. We took the train over to Stonehenge, saw some castles, etc. I knew what to expect going over there. One of the brothers had been to the U.S., but he went to Las Vegas, New York City, and thought that's all there was to the U.S.

I invited them to visit me in the U.S. and the younger brother decided to fly over to Dulles, where I picked him up and drove him to my home in Richmond. While he was visiting, I took him to D.C. to the Air & Space Museum, then bought a copy of Apollo 13 to put it into perspective for him. "You all are really good at saving things here" was part of his amazement at how we hoarded all of our historical artifacts in the various museums. The pedestrian crosswalks scared him. "The roads are massive here!" And so on...it was like seeing my country from a new set of eyes. I took him to Philly, to Indepedence Hall (they got a kick out of him there), to Jamestown, to Williamsburg, Charlottesville... anywhere I could think of that related back to his country.

I think on this show, we're missing that. We see these couples just shacked up in a house or apartment, never really doing anything of any significance that shows that the guy or girl who lives here really wants their potential other half to appreciate their surroundings. Going to a bar or the beach just isn't enough, in my opinion.

It is really neat to see things through the eyes of someone else.

 

I remember going to Boston for work a few years back, and it was fine.  I had a nice time, and the food was great, I went to some of the tourist attractions, and it was interesting because of the history, and it was a neat city, but it didn't arouse any huge feelings in me (although Mike's pastries were delicious!).  Years later I went with my sister, and she gets so excited about everything.  She wanted to see the Cheers bar, she wanted to take a picture in front of the Cheers bar, she wanted a duck tour, she wanted a boat ride, she wanted to try every food from everywhere, and seeing the city through her eyes really elevated the experience for me.  She took about a gajillion pictures of everything.  She always wanted to get out of the hotel room first thing in the morning and she didn't want to come back until the end of the day, and she loved to see it all.  It was just really neat to see the city through the eyes of someone so excited about it.

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I work with people from different countries and have seen a lot of cross-cultural relationships. One stereotype that many Asian women have is that American men are kinder and more thoughtful to women than men from their own countries. There may be some truth to that, especially in the older generations. Young Chinese women with money pretty much get the men they want unless they take too much time and age out of the market at around 28 before Mr. Right can be located. 

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I'm Middle Eastern and I have soooo many stories of Arab- American women who marry Arab men from overseas and then the men cheat on them. They think of Anerica as this type of utopia where anything can happen. But, they come here not knowing the language very well and having to work menial jobs. The men then start drinking and hanging out with their friends who then introduce them to the women that thwy cheat on their wives with.

Many women in my family have had this happen to them. I think a big sign is when the guy does not even bother to learn the language and expects everything to come easily to them. Many of the guys don't even get jobs when they come here and bum it out.

A lot of people in my family think that because someone is from America that they are wealthy. That is the vision these guys think are walking into and it is a harsh reality when they find out otherwise.

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I think a big sign is when the guy does not even bother to learn the language and expects everything to come easily to them.

 

I know one of the big gripes I had with my French husband was his assumption that I because I was American, I knew how to do "everything" American and I had to be the person that made all arrangements for anything.  He assumed I automatically knew how all the public transportation worked in the new city we both moved to (it was new to me too, moving from Los Angeles to Philadelphia - which let me tell you, was very different), how to deal with the Dept. of Transportation for things like diver's licenses, car registration, dealing with any government office or business.  While he spoke English quite well, he still had a fairly strong accent, so I had to be the person who called for all doctor appointments (playing the go-between to schedule something for him was a real pita), hotel/car/airline/restaurant reservations, etc.  At first I didn't mind, he was new and I was at least partly familair with some things.  But after 14 years I've gotten real tired of it.  I finally told him he had to make his own doctor appointments, after all, if he could be understood by the doctor, he could be understood by the clerical people.  Its a start at least.

 

It is really neat to see things through the eyes of someone else.

 

It was definitely cool to see so many things through my husband's eyes, both the familiar to me in Los Angeles, and the unfamiliar to us both when we moved  east.  He likes to point out french influences wherever we go.  The one thing he had no interest in seeing, even with our kids, was Disneyland, which was a bit of a disappointment with me.  I know Disney isn't in his culture, but I thought he'd at least fake it a bit more for our kids' sake.  He was a real downer there most of the time.  I might just leave him at home when I take our girls to Disney world.

Edited by Hanahope
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  I know Disney isn't in his culture, but I thought he'd at least fake it a bit more for our kids' sake.  He was a real downer there most of the time.  I might just leave him at home when I take our girls to Disney world.

My mother has come to do that equivocally when my father becomes a stick in the mud about things.  My dad can be pretty stubborn, and if you force him somewhere he doesn't want to go he can be a pain in the ass.  Other times if you force him he will eventually have a good time.  I know that little kids go cuckoo batshit bananas over Disney World and Disney Land.  If he likes seeing your little girls excited he may eventually get into it.  But listening to an adult complain, and having to deal with corraling excited little girls sounds like a bit of a risk that may not be worth the reward.  Especially given the fact that you pretty much have to sell a kidney these days to afford a ticket to get into Disney.

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 Same thing with my husband (whose first language is Spanish because he's from Puerto Rico).  I finally decided 'making' him go someplace when he didn't really want to be there,was not worth the agita.  It just ruined my enjoyment of whatever it was. We have 5 kids, but when he didn't want to be there, I felt like I had six.  We've now been married for forty-five years, btw, and he still tries to get me to make appointments for him, because he says "nobody understands me on the phone." (his English is so good he can beat me in Scrabble, which is no mean feat, if I do say so myself.) Good luck getting yours to make his own appointments!

Edited by ChiCricket
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He is finally making his own dr. appts, since he finally agreed it was easier since he knew his work schedule and i didn't.  But its still up to me for all travel arrangements (even when I have to speak on the phone to someone who's not a native English speaker either).  On the flip side, when we are in France, he does all the talking.  Course, his English is significantly better than my French.

 

I most likely will be taking the girls to DisneyWorld by myself (or perhaps with a girlfriend of mine and her daughter, as her husband also doesn't want to go).  My oldest daughter does competitive cheerleading and every-other year or so the older teams go to a national competition at Disney World.  She was too young last year and the teams aren't going there this year, so it may happen next year (or the year after).  My husband also isn't into the cheerleading, so likely I'll take her and our youngest daughter (can't take one without the other) to the competition next year at Disneyworld.  We'll just spend an extra day or two.  Probably won't see everything, but at least a good part of it.

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I found this in the Real Housewives of Atlanta forum, and it should put 90-Day Fiance in perspective, money-wise. This is regarding a scene shot in a local restaurant:

“I was the server in this episode the ladies were very polite it was the producers they would not allow me to bring anything out to the table until they stopped filming I sat back by the bar holding cocktails and water that had to be remade 6 times because I wasnt allowed to bring them, who comes to a restaurant and orders crackers?

By the time the ladies tried to order food the restaurant was closed if you watch closely when they first arrived the place was packed and by time the “stale” crackers arrived we were closed. This was a horrible experience for me. Its embarrassing to see how they made me look when it was out of my hands. The bravo producers and staff were horrible and had no idea what they were doing, it was unorganized and very classless. We at Einstein’s did what we could on such short notice.

Bravo and that show have a huge budget compared to 90-Day Fiance and TLC. Einstein's restaurant in Atlanta is a must-go place if you want a great meal. The restaurant Dani and Mo were in with her family was a dive in comparison.

The discussion about how much the people on the shows make, who gets paid what, etc., came up in this week's episode thread. But I thought it would be better to discuss something so off-topic here. I seriously doubt any of these couples were paid more than $2000-3000 each. Having friends who made much less for more appearances on a similar show.

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Based on what we've seen, with the exceptions of Justin & Evelin and Danny & Amy, the other couples seem as if they could use $3,000.  Chelsea and Yamir are living in her parents' basement; Jason and Cassia frequent early bird specials; Brett &  Daya are living with roommates and Danielle & Mohamed do not have two nickels to rub together. 

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One thing I can say for my friend who was paid $2000, he got a lot of exposure on Moonshiners last season. But bless his heart, he couldn't stop grinning when he was supposed to be looking serious. They didn't ask him back for a second time, however, he started making t-shirts and caps with the name of the moonshine he had in the works. He just now got jars of it in stores in NC, SC and GA, I think. It's on the shelves at our local store and he goes in regularly to sign jars and pose for photos. He's making a lot more money now by striking while the iron was hot. Smart guy. Not like some of the characters on this show. Legal moonshine is becoming a big business here in the south. Which sort of pisses off the old-timers who still make and sell jars out of the trunk of their car.

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I just wanted to pop in here and share this with you - it's my favourite TV advert at the moment. In the UK our adverts aren't as hard sell as in the USA - we also don't have all the ads for medical products and prescription drugs either. So, this is warming the cockles of my little heart at the moment, every time I see it.

 

 

Another favourite is this one.

 

 

The music for that second ad is the music that used to introduce a radio show in the 1950s called 'Housewives Choice' which played music while women did the housework!

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I threw out some bread crumbs. :)

I was born and raised here. Lived in Virginia after college and worked in advertising. Moved back home 10 years ago to be closer to family. My dad, sister and brother are all here.

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ewww the trafic was a nightmare and i was living with my dad at the time and he live way way out like on the lake so it was like a hour drive to get downtown guess thats why i hated it 

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