Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[DittyDotDot]

But he didn't mean that he didn't care. He was hoping to fake out the shooter and spare her life, IMO. I meant that since a huge proportion of murders are committed by family members, it seems like there would also be quite a few instances of, for instance:

A burglar breaks into a home and tells the wife, "Give me your diamonds and the combination to the safe or I'll kill your husband," to which she would reply to the nonplussed burglar, "How about I give you this diamond bracelet, you shoot my husband and tie me to this chair, which, in about 20 minutes, I will be able to drag to where my cell phone is on the bed, call 911, and tell them you had a black ski mask with sunglasses."

 

Or, when a kidnapper calls and says he'll kill your husband if you don't give him "x" amount of dollars the wife doesn't just say, "shoot him, he's an asshole that drinks too much and sleeps around anyway."?

 

Oh, I just realized that I went with the woman wanting the husband dead too...is this a troupe that I just fell into myself? ;)

[Bella]

@Kromm - I think there are some "only on TV" reality show comments in this thread, too. Just had to say that.

 

Only on TV does every home cook have a tragic story in his or her background that elicits tears when presenting an entree made from canned asparagus, Cheetos, grapes, and beef kidneys.

[amaranta]

Only on TV do people put someone on call waiting before gossiping about this person to someone else on the other call waiting line.  And of course they will always do it wrong and they end up talking to subject of the gossip.

Edited August 10, 2014 by amaranta

[shapeshifter]

Oh, I just realized that I went with the woman wanting the husband dead too...is this a troupe that I just fell into myself? ;)

Heh, I was going to make my example a guy telling the burglar to go ahead and shoot the wife, but switched it around because I thought that might be sexist since I'm a female. Statistically, men murder more than women, so it would be more likely that the husband/boyfriend/brother/son would say, "Go ahead. Make my day."

As someone with 3 children who are now adults, I'd probably laugh at a comedy in which a mother gets a call from a kidnapper threatening to kill the child who in the earlier scenes got suspended from school and totalled the family car while drag racing when he/she was supposed to be picking up a sibling from sports practice. The mother would think for a minute, and then say, "If I give you a hundred bucks, will you keep him?"

ETA: It could be even funnier if this happened in a drama. Or would that be "shocking"?

Edited August 10, 2014 by shapeshifter

[DittyDotDot]

Only on TV does every home cook have a tragic story in his or her background that elicits tears when presenting an entree made from canned asparagus, Cheetos, grapes, and beef kidneys.

 

OMG, @Bella, I stopped watching Master Chef for just that reason. Gordon Ramsey annoys the crap out of me, but I thought the idea of taking regular people and seeing what they could do was interesting...but the crying over the dishes and the tragedy...Oy Vey!

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv is it sexy when food spills (looking at you, 9 1/2 Weeks, and also looking at you, Carl's Jr. commercials). Unless you're the guy in the TUMS commercial who is being shat--excuse me, splat--on by a parachuting meatball. I think he realizes that's not cool.

[FormerMod-a1]

Probably better than the way many people around here do it and leave the keys in the ignition.

 

I don't get that one at all.  Doesn't the car "bing" if you leave the keys in the ignition.  I know that's what gets me to yank them out on the few occasions I've forgotten.  I open the door, hear BING BING BING ... grab them and throw them in my purse. Even if I meant to leave them there, the noise is so annoying I yank them out before doing anything else.

[DittyDotDot]

Yeah, but some folks don't lock their doors in rural areas and the binging stops when you close the door again. It's not really about forgetting your keys in your car as much as intending to leave them in the car because you feel secure no one is going to steal your car. Now, even though I leave my house doors unlocked all the time, I always lock my car at work because my office is next to a bar and I would feel pretty stupid if shenanigans occurred and I didn't even try. But many people just leave their keys in their car and never worry about such things here.

Edited August 11, 2014 by DittyDotDot

[FormerMod-a1]

I understand they are leaving them in the ignition intentionally, I just thought the binging would get annoying. Even hearing just two bings is annoying.  Why not leave the keys on the dashboard or the seat or something?  Is time so short you really need that extra second it takes to get the keys in the ignition?

[DittyDotDot]

Well some do that too, I was just saying that it was smarter to leave them in the visor, where they aren't visible and not as easy of a target. Personally, I never leave my keys in my car out of habit, but I've borrowed cars from folks around here and the keys are either in the ignition or sitting on the dash. Personally, the dinging itself doesn't bother me unless it's dinging for a long period of time.

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv am I ever, ever going to a) tell you, in a room full of folks, that I'm wearing a pee pad and b) whip one out of my purse--without the wrapper--and hold it up to show you.

Oh and c) give the damn thing a cute little acronym.

[DittyDotDot]

What!? You don't talk about your SAM in public @RubyWoo72? I only know it because a friend was watching Supernatural (one of the main characters is Sam) on TNT a while back when that commercial started playing and she was sure the universe was messing with her.

 

Did you wear your SAM today?

Edited August 11, 2014 by DittyDotDot

[Sandman87]

Only on TV does hacking into a computer immediately put a full set of schematics of it on your screen, complete with helpful real-time progress bars to show you how much time is left to complete whatever illicit task you're engaged in.

[Kel Varnsen]

Only on TV does hacking into a computer immediately put a full set of schematics of it on your screen, complete with helpful real-time progress bars to show you how much time is left to complete whatever illicit task you're engaged in.

Speaking of TV and computers and schematics, if you are some kind of SWAT team guy (or something along those lines) and you need information on a building (any building) all it takes is a few mouse clicks and you have fully up to date 3D models of the entire structure (whether it is publicly or privately owned). While in real life half the time building owners aren't even sure if they still have paper copies of building drawings anywhere.

[kiddo82]

I'm sure if this is true in real life or not but I'm always amazed/baffled whenever an LEO on TV says something to the effect of "he's running out the south side of the building" and everyone immediately knows exactly where that is. Even in a buiding they've just entered or haven't studied. No one gets turned around or is like "which side is the south side?" Is it normal for LEO's to be oriented to North/East/South/West at all times?

[scarynikki12]

I think it's a cultural thing.  When I was in college in Tucson, people used N/S/E/W all the time, but the city is set up in a grid and such directions are easy to decipher.  If someone were to use anything other than left or right when giving directions in Nashville, on the other hand, I'd just stare at them blankly (freeways don't count).  But, I agree, it will take me out of the show when LEOs say stuff like that.

[walnutqueen]

Well. moss grows on the North side, or so I've been told by TV.  :-)

[Raja]

I'm sure if this is true in real life or not but I'm always amazed/baffled whenever an LEO on TV says something to the effect of "he's running out the south side of the building" and everyone immediately knows exactly where that is. Even in a buiding they've just entered or haven't studied. No one gets turned around or is like "which side is the south side?" Is it normal for LEO's to be oriented to North/East/South/West at all times?

That reminds me of Major Colvin on The Wire. He would ask cops where they were so that they were trained in keeping situational awareness. So there would be no repeat of what happened when Detective Kima Griggs got lost before she was shot in an assassination attempt on a state's witness. Edited August 12, 2014 by Raja

[Snowprince]

I'm sure if this is true in real life or not but I'm always amazed/baffled whenever an LEO on TV says something to the effect of "he's running out the south side of the building" and everyone immediately knows exactly where that is. Even in a buiding they've just entered or haven't studied. No one gets turned around or is like "which side is the south side?" Is it normal for LEO's to be oriented to North/East/South/West at all times?

Yes, it is. That's one of the first things ingrained into boot/rookie LEO's by our FTOs (Field Training Officers) after academy graduation.

[mansonlamps]

Wow I could never in a million years hold one of those jobs then. Directional awareness just isn't in my brain for some reason.

[ganesh]

When I moved from the east coast to the west coast, I kept walking in the opposite direction because the ocean was in the wrong place. 

[shapeshifter]

Only on TV do people who have just completed a stressful chase scene with life-and-death moments not have any body odor that anyone ever remarks upon or notices.

[DittyDotDot]

Only on TV do people who have just completed a stressful chase scene with life-and-death moments not have any body odor that anyone ever remarks upon or notices.

 

Once again @shapeshifter, you got me to almost spit my water across my desk! ;)

 

How refreshing it would be for someone to just say, "dude, you stink, I'm not hugging you til you take a shower and/or put on some deodorant."

[kiddo82]

Yes, it is. That's one of the first things ingrained into boot/rookie LEO's by our FTOs (Field Training Officers) after academy graduation.

Thanks, Snowprince. That's something I've often wondered about whenever Jack Bauer just knew which way the suspect was headed.

[Shannon L.]

I don't recall seeing this one, but it came to me today and is similar to everyone going to the same college:  Only on tv does everyone in high school, or just out of high school get jobs at the same establishment.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Shannon L.

[Moose135]

Yes, it is. That's one of the first things ingrained into boot/rookie LEO's by our FTOs (Field Training Officers) after academy graduation.

 

On an early episode of Southland, Cooper and Sherman are on patrol, and Coop keep asking "Where are we now..." explaining to Sherman that he should always know where they were in case they needed to call for help.  At the end of the episode, they're involved in a foot chase with a suspect.  When they apprehend him, Sherman radios for backup at "186 1/2 Main..." which no doubt made Coop proud.

 

[RubyWoo72]

I'm watching Joe Kenda on the ID channel and one of the detectives, with a straight face, just said, "It was a no-brainer. This was a suicide." The victim had a gun shot wound to the head. I reaaaallly hope that pun was unintentional.

[OSM Mom]

I'm watching Joe Kenda on the ID channel and one of the detectives, with a straight face, just said, "It was a no-brainer. This was a suicide." The victim had a gun shot wound to the head. I reaaaallly hope that pun was unintentional.

OK. I just laughed at that way harder than I should have.

[RubyWoo72]

OK. I just laughed at that way harder than I should have.

I always watch with closed captions on and I had to rewind to make sure I heard that correctly. Then it made me think of Tarantino's Grindhouse movie where Josh Brolin said something similar, like, "This one here's a no-brainer." And the nurse asked why, and he turned the corpse' head to show her a gaping shotgun hole, where his brains should have been. Of course, Tarantino did that on purpose. The detective, though? I don't think he even caught that.

[shapeshifter]

The detective, though? I don't think he even caught that.

Yeah, most likely he was a bit freaked out by seeing brain matter and the word "brain" popped into his head quickly followed by the words "no-brainer" popping out of his mouth to describe the incident. Oh dear. Now I just did it too with "popped into his head."

Okay. We could get this back on topic with: On (scripted) TV people only say stuff like that when it's supposed to be funny.

[RubyWoo72]

(Dangit and I just realized the no-brainer thing was meant for another thread. I just roam from thread to thread sometimes. Sorry.)

[Raja]

Only on TV was every USMC veteran both a fighter pilot and lead a commando team. Was every ex soldier an "elite" Army Ranger and every ex sailor not only a SEAL but a member of SEAL Team 6, you will only give a slight look when someone ask if you shot Osama Bin Laden. If you were in the Air Force you can fly anything from the oldest helicopter to a Space Shuttle by the seat of your pants. . And by the time you are 30 years old you have earned more medals and commendations than General Patton did in two world wars.

[Moose135]

If you were in the Air Force you can fly anything from the oldest helicopter to a Space Shuttle by the seat of your pants.

 

Well, I could, but I've always been special like that... ;-)

 

[DittyDotDot]

If you were in the Air Force you can fly anything from the oldest helicopter to a Space Shuttle by the seat of your pants.

 

Well, I could, but I've always been special like that... ;-)

 

Heh, but are you special enough to fly alien space craft by the seat of you pants too?

 

Only on TV can Air Force pilots fly every air or space craft know to man, but also any alien spacecraft they might come across too. They all work the same, you don't even need to know the language, it's obvious that the red button is the ignition as apposed to the eject button or something like that.

Edited August 13, 2014 by DittyDotDot

[AimingforYoko]

Only on TV was every USMC veteran both a fighter pilot and lead a commando team. Was every ex soldier an "elite" Army Ranger and every ex sailor not only a SEAL but a member of SEAL Team 6, you will only give a slight look when someone ask if you shot Osama Bin Laden. If you were in the Air Force you can fly anything from the oldest helicopter to a Space Shuttle by the seat of your pants. . And by the time you are 30 years old you have earned more medals and commendations than General Patton did in two world wars.

Yeah, to paraphrase Patton himself, nobody "shoveled shit in Louisiana."

[OSM Mom]

Well, to be fair, all the aliens speak English so....

Universal translator. At least according to Star Trek.

[Kel Varnsen]

Universal translator. At least according to Star Trek.

Which will always work, unless you have to say something dramatic in your own language, then there is some sort of magical override feature.

[blueray]

Which will always work, unless you have to say something dramatic in your own language, then there is some sort of magical override feature.

Klingon was sort of explained in Enterprise. Hoshi wasn't able to use the translator to translate Klingon, while I'm sure a few hundred years later they had the technology to include Klingon (the Klingon's wanted it to remain separate). So in my take when we see Klingon's talking english to star fleet they are actually speaking english (or whatever universal language). And when you hear them speak klingon it comes out as klingon.

[Kel Varnsen]

Klingon was sort of explained in Enterprise. Hoshi wasn't able to use the translator to translate Klingon, while I'm sure a few hundred years later they had the technology to include Klingon (the Klingon's wanted it to remain separate). So in my take when we see Klingon's talking english to star fleet they are actually speaking english (or whatever universal language). And when you hear them speak klingon it comes out as klingon.

But if two people are talking in english and then one of them wants to use a phrase or saying from another language (like say fiesta or capisce or je ne sais quoi or something equivalent in alien from another planet) the translators always know to let those phrases through and not force them to be translated into english.

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

Only on TV can someone break into a corporate office they've never been in before, sit down at a computer and instantly be able to access any information they want, as opposed to having to sit through weeks of training on the ins and outs of whatever proprietary system's being used.

[Raja]

It is only on TV that a Catholic priest will conduct a wedding ceremony outside of a Catholic Church in your beautiful gardens and private beaches

[ethalfrida]

I've known plenty of people in real life who don't watch much TV. I didn't watch much in my 20's or even early 30's - we really did hang out and listen to music instead. Usually not classical or jazz, but definitely more music than TV!

And not only do I listen to Jazz, seeing as my generation is the 60s generation our "parties" consisted of sitting around listening to Jazz, drinking wine and discussing politics. 

[GreekGeek]

Only on TV can someone break into a corporate office they've never been in before, sit down at a computer and instantly be able to access any information they want, as opposed to having to sit through weeks of training on the ins and outs of whatever proprietary system's being used.

 

In the days before computers, the document would either be conveniently sitting on someone's desk, or easily located in the unlocked file cabinet.

[x1013x]

Only on Tv does everybody and their mother own Macs. Doesn't matter what profession they are or what tax bracket they live in. Also said Mac is running some OS other than whatever Mac related OS. I know there are some exceptions ( Orphan Black and BBT for starters), but more often than not if someone has a laptop its a Mac. 

Edited August 15, 2014 by x1013x

[CoderLady]

That one tells me the higher-ups on many shows have left it up to their young artsy types to select the on-screen computer systems, and that Apple's product placement in schools continues to pay off. Everywhere I've worked the machines running the software that power whatever is making the company's money are  desktop PCs, blade servers and laptops running Windows or Linux, and only the graphics people have Macs. And non-artsy employees have Windows laptops because most corporate software is Windows-based. YMMV, of course.

Edited August 15, 2014 by CoderLady

[blueray]

Only on TV can someone break into a corporate office they've never been in before, sit down at a computer and instantly be able to access any information they want, as opposed to having to sit through weeks of training on the ins and outs of whatever proprietary system's being used.

Well in some cases such as Leverage I imagine Harrison just hacks it somehow. Or really knows computers. As for finding a file I guess it's just knowing what to look for.

[shapeshifter]

That one tells me the higher-ups on many shows have left it up to their young artsy types to select the on-screen computer systems, and that Apple's product placement in schools continues to pay off. Everywhere I've worked the machines running the software that power whatever is making the company's money are  desktop PCs, blade servers and laptops running Windows or Linux, and only the graphics people have Macs. And non-artsy employees have Windows laptops because most corporate software is Windows-based. YMMV, of course.

I thought Apple (or in some cases Windows) pays the show to display their products. Maybe even pays them in computers, like with the schools.

Well in some cases such as Leverage I imagine Harrison just hacks it somehow. Or really knows computers. As for finding a file I guess it's just knowing what to look for.

I was going to argue against this, but then I remember hacking into my teen daughter's computer to find deleted chat files when I was worried about her having dealings with dealers when she was in high school. Fortunately, she's a successful adult now, and understands why I would do that.

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

I thought Apple (or in some cases Windows) pays the show to display their products. Maybe even pays them in computers, like with the schools.

I'm pretty Microsoft is a sponsor of the Dallas reboot. At least once every couple of episodes, you can count on a long, lingering shot of John Ross' Windows Phone when he gets a call and/or text.

And any time you watch an episode of Law and Order on TNT and see a Coke can on McCoy's desk? That was CGI'ed in there specifically for the TNT airings. Guess who paid for that?

[Sandman87]

Only on Tv does everybody and their mother own Macs. Doesn't matter what profession they are or what tax bracket they live in. Also said Mac is running some OS other than whatever Mac related OS. I know there are some exceptions ( Orphan Black and BBT for starters), but more often than not if someone has a laptop its a Mac.

Furthermore, in the rare cases where you do see a PC, there's a very good chance that it's somehow magically displaying a Mac desktop on the screen.

 

(I remember this being averted hilariously in the anime Legend of the Galactic Heroes: In the distant future, computers all seem to run Windows 2.1.1, but they use Macintosh fonts.)

[Raja]

I thought Apple (or in some cases Windows) pays the show to display their products. Maybe even pays them in computers, like with the schools.

 

Hawaii 5-0 is infamous for their Windows product placements. They even run "Bing" not Google searches.