Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[Bastet]

I'm glad you were able to get that much-needed conversation in motion, and that it seems to have gone relatively well and you feel good about it.  I'm sorry it was precipitated by a possible TIA or similar event, and hope your neurological consult yields positive news.

[Quof]

BookWoman56, when people ask why I am "distant" from my family, and remind me "Blood is thicker than water", I point out "Blood Clots are even thicker. And those buggers will kill you."

You just proved my point, thankfully short of the death part.  

[DeLurker]

@BookWoman56 - so sorry to hear you had a blood pressure spike and possible TIA!  I am glad you had the "talk" and I hope they don't let time slide.

I caught the tail end of a piece on NPR where the were discussing a radio personality that advocated being "cheerful and stupid" when dealing with difficult people.  I can't remember the name of the person, but it sounded like a tactic that might work for some of you dealing with challenging family members.  It seemed to basically fall into the theme of not taking the bait and letting them get under your skin.  An example they used was a difficult person says rather snidely "You're going to paint your kitchen that color?!".  Reply:  "YES!  Really looking forward to the change!!".

Because you don't respond to the implied criticism, they have to take it to the next level as say something more explicit but in the face of your enthusiasm.  I think the theory was most people wouldn't continue on that path and if they did you can either reply again in the cheerful & stupid mode or just say something like how disappointed you are that they don't share your enthusiasm.

[BookWoman56]

Yes, last night as I listened to them making dinner very late, I was aware that the noise still made me tense up some but not as much, knowing that relief is coming. Quite apart from the personality clashes and so forth, one reason their presence has been irritating is that they are on a different schedule from mine.  I start work around 8:00 am and finish around 5 or so. I'm also online about an hour in the evening for the online class I'm teaching on the side. My DiL works retail, though, and frequently does not get out until after 9:00 pm, and by the time my son picks her up and they get back home, it's often close to 10, at which point they make dinner. And it's not that I would normally be asleep at that point, but things would usually be fairly quiet. So I'm not having the down time I would usually have to relax before going to bed, which in turn makes falling asleep harder, and so I'm not getting as much sleep as needed. 

My daughter and I don't have these sorts of clashes because we both need a lot of solitude and silence, and are fairly well attuned to each other for when we might want to chat and when we want to be left the hell alone. But overall as I have gotten older, I find that I am less flexible about housing issues. I have zero interest in getting married again, but in the unlikely event I did so, I swear we'd have to maintain separate residences. In my mind, there are designated places where things go and if someone puts them elsewhere, I find it annoying as hell. 

Finally, on the topic of family overall, I find it much easier to remain on good terms when there is some distance, both physical and psychological.  My siblings and I don't get involved in day-to-day issues each one is having because we're all several states apart. We chat when we need/want to and catch up with each other, but we're definitely not in each other's faces.  Both within my immediate family and extended family, there are individuals I just am indifferent about or flatly dislike, and their status as family doesn't in any way mean I'm going to hang out with them.

ETA: @DeLurker, my son does sometimes make dinner ahead of time with things like lasagna that he can just leave in the oven while he goes to get her. However, they do a lot of stir fry, which really needs to be freshly made to be good. She is trying to learn to cook American style food as well, with mixed results. I don't want to discourage them from cooking fresh food as opposed to unhealthy options such as drive-through, so I will deal with the noise for a couple of more months. And at times I think I've simply gotten so irritated that right now, anything they do would get on my nerves. 

Edited August 22, 2017 by BookWoman56

[DeLurker]

2 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

by the time my son picks her up and they get back home, it's often close to 10, at which point they make dinner.

Any particular reason why he can't cook dinner, fix their plates and then go pick her up?

I'm not a person who needs total darkness or quiet to fall asleep - I could fall asleep in a bus depot (large family+small houses = adaptability), but I would find this time for starting to prepare dinner bothersome on many levels.  I'd say you really need them to adjust their cooking schedule so that the bulk of cooking and clean up is done prior to X:00 when you are getting ready to unwind for the night.  The various noises and aromas are a bit much on you right now.  So either he can cook before he gets her or she/they can cook together earlier in the day and heat it up when she gets home.

[theredhead77]

I'm 40, single and live about 10 miles from my parents. My dad will nag me until I send him airline and hotel information for any trips I have planned. He will then research the area and refresh the flight tracker endlessly until the plane lands. He does this when my mom travels too. Today I had to explain to my parents that once I move I will not be providing details of all my travels (mostly for work) and it's beyond unreasonable for them to expect me to do so.

They can reach me via phone at any time of the day or night. I do not have to account my whereabouts to my parents.

[BookWoman56]

@theredhead77, there's absolutely no reason you as an adult should provide your parents with your trip details if you don't want to, especially work trips.  For personal trips, I have mixed feelings. I usually let somebody (family or friend) know my general itinerary (date/destination, certainly not hotel info) when I'm traveling, just in the event that really bad things happen. That is, if I were flying across the country just for a solo vacation and the plane went down, I'd hate for my family to hear about the crash and have zero concerns about anyone they know being on it, only for the airline to confirm my presence on the flight a day or two later, and then for them to get the phone call.  For the record, though, I have major fear of flying and so may be a bit irrational on that issue.  And maybe it doesn't really make any difference when they or someone else would get the phone call, but if something were to happen to a family member while traveling, I'd rather know sooner than later. When my kids were  younger, any time they had to fly for whatever reason, I also sat there and refreshed the flight tracker, but as noted, I am paranoid as hell about flying in general.  At this stage of my life, if I do any kind of major trip (more than a couple of days), I will usually just text one of my siblings to say something like, "Going to FL tomorrow; will be gone 4-5 days." I'm not going to text to say, "Going to large city 4 hours away for concert and staying overnight." 

For work trips, I'd figure someone at work would have the itinerary details, at least in terms of what days travel was occurring and the locations involved. So if I were supposed to fly from TX to CA for a week-long conference or something, there was a plane crash along that route, and I failed to show up for the conference, my manager or someone would start to wonder and contact corporate travel to check my flight numbers.  

I will put in a plug, though, for carrying one of those emergency alert cards to state the person to contact in an emergency. Several years ago when my ex-husband was killed in a truck/motorcycle accident, the hospital he was taken to had to rely on his cell phone to call people. They had his ID and knew his last name, so they looked for contacts in his cell phone with the same last name. Going in alpha order, the first person with the same last name was his sister-in-law who lived a few states away, and so she was the one who got the phone call that he was at the hospital and a family member needed to come asap. Fortunately the SIL was able to contact the wife quickly, so she got to the hospital before he died. But for many people, myself included, the person who would need to be contacted first doesn't have the same last name, and if hospital staff had to rely on my cell phone contact list to notify people with my last name, they'd get my mother, who is in an assisted living facility, frequently forgets to charge her cell phone anyway, and who probably doesn't have my kids' contact info so would have to call one of my sisters to get her to make the necessary phone calls.

All that said, though, your dad sounds a bit too concerned about your travel plans. Since you are moving fairly soon away from where your parents live, that should be the ideal time to just stop providing that information to them. Maybe your dad has simply gotten a bit more fearful about bad things happening.  When I was much younger, my parents would frequently take off for a weekend with no worries, and when I left home and moved to my first big city, they didn't express any serious concerns about my driving in an urban area. Fast forward to about 7-8 years ago, when I relocated to live with them while my father was undergoing treatment for cancer They were horrified at the prospect of me driving after dark in the city in which I'd grown up. No area is absolutely safe, but to provide an example of the relative safety there, one evening I went shopping and finished around 9:30 pm, put my stuff in the car, and drove home. About 10 seconds after I got home, I realized my purse was not with me. I drove back to the store, and my purse was sitting on the shopping cart I had used and placed into the cart corral. From the time I left it there to the time I retrieved it must have been around 25 minutes. Where I live now, that purse would have been gone within a couple of minutes. I realize I got extremely lucky with that incident, but nobody was shocked that my purse was still sitting in the shopping cart.  But even given that there was a definite small-town vibe to that place, my parents were convinced that if I drove after dark, horrible things would befall me.  They were equally anxious about the prospect of me driving to the nearest sort-of large city, because they were afraid of me being in big city traffic, just like I hadn't spent a couple of decades driving in much worse big city traffic.  

Edited August 23, 2017 by BookWoman56

[Quof]

I travel solo, including to Europe, and never tell my mother.  She would just freak out and worry the whole time.   It's rare that she calls my house, and even more rare that I answer, so she wouldn't find that unusual. I can respond to an email from my phone and she will have no idea where I am.

On those (rare) occasions I drive to her house, 3 hours away, I don't tell her in advance. I just show up.  When she asks why I didn't tell her, I point out "You would have just spent the whole day looking out the window, worrying that I was late and must have been in an accident.  Now I'm here."  

I used to tell her I was travelling and would get questions like "Why would you possibly want to go to France/Italy/England?" because she can't understand ever wanting to leave her small town.   "You're going to drive to X?  But you've never driven there before."  "Using that logic, Smother, one would never drive anywhere." 

Disaster lurks around every corner in her world.  As the Brits say, she takes her pleasures sadly.

It's a wonder I have any sense of adventure. 

[DeLurker]

My brother insists we all have ICE (In case of emergency) listings in our cells.  We don't list our parents in the ICE #s since they are older now and a sudden call with concerning news may have unintended ripple effects on them.  So I have a number of entries that are ICE 1 - Name, ICE 2 - Name, ...emergency workers will look for this designation when looking for a contact for you in the event of an emergency.

[Moose135]

12 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

I'm 40, single and live about 10 miles from my parents. My dad will nag me until I send him airline and hotel information for any trips I have planned.

You'll always be his little girl, and he will always make you crazy...

[Mindthinkr]

5 hours ago, Quof said:

I travel solo, including to Europe, and never tell my mother.  She would just freak out and worry the whole time.   It's rare that she calls my house, and even more rare that I answer, so she wouldn't find that unusual. I can respond to an email from my phone and she will have no idea where I am.

On those (rare) occasions I drive to her house, 3 hours away, I don't tell her in advance. I just show up.  When she asks why I didn't tell her, I point out "You would have just spent the whole day looking out the window, worrying that I was late and must have been in an accident.  Now I'm here."  

I used to tell her I was travelling and would get questions like "Why would you possibly want to go to France/Italy/England?" because she can't understand ever wanting to leave her small town.   "You're going to drive to X?  But you've never driven there before."  "Using that logic, Smother, one would never drive anywhere." 

Disaster lurks around every corner in her world.  As the Brits say, she takes her pleasures sadly.

It's a wonder I have any sense of adventure. 

I travel solo too and last time I had to be hospitalized. Although I was ok with small phrases, manners and travel oriented speaking of their language; I was not prepared to deal with my life being dependent on learning things fast. Lol, of course I lived but now my child has insisted on "No more foreign travel". I was telling her that I was going to Chicago to see some art. She cocked her head, contemplated and stated that it was ok. If I had an emergency she could fly there. What? All the well meaning aside, I'm going to go where I want to go, when I want to go. It is evident that at some point the child and parental roles reverse. I have to remind said child that I am still the parent. Yes, I will go solo overseas again. They have proven that there really is a gene that gives us wanderlust and I have it. 

[MrSmith]

On 6/12/2017 at 9:37 AM, Sun-Bun said:

Yes, mom has a bit of an alcohol abuse issue as well---she drinks until she's a staggering, slobbering mess. I've seen her drink 2 bottles worth of wine in less than 2 hours. It doesn't help that she drinks and drives because Lyft/Uber are a "waste of money".

Why not phone the police as you're leaving the restaurant and let them pull her over for DWI/DUI/OWI? It's not like she deserves any mercy. Of course, I am particularly merciless when it comes to drunk drivers and, as far as I am concerned, anything that gets them arrested for it is fair game.

[Quof]

Mindthinkr, my mother once proposed that she and my brother's girlfriend drive to my house for the day. As noted, it's 3 hours.  When I travel to her house, I make it a day trip, 6 hours of driving, one driver.    No biggie.

My brother told her "he wouldn't allow" them to make the trip.

I told her "Congratulations, you've raised a little old woman."   

I swear I am not from the same gene pool as those 2.

[Mindthinkr]

2 minutes ago, Quof said:

Mindthinkr, my mother once proposed that she and my brother's girlfriend drive to my house for the day. As noted, it's 3 hours.  When I travel to her house, I make it a day trip, 6 hours of driving, one driver.    No biggie.

My brother told her "he wouldn't allow" them to make the trip.

I told her "Congratulations, you've raised a little old woman."   

I swear I am not from the same gene pool as those 2.

Well I am glad that you did get the gene for the wanderlust. Sounds like my child and your brother share a similar gene. Hmm...the buzz kill gene? Scaredy cat gene? It must be my old age that the proper snark gene name isn't coming to my lips! Quick, lock me in the house lol. Danger Will Robinson. 

[Quof]

Smother has a note on her front door advising which of her neighbours have a key in case of emergency (the primary neighbour, and the backup neighbour).

And a hospital bag permanently packed in the front closet.   Each Christmas I buy her a new nightgown, robe and slippers. She takes out the ones I bought her last year so she can wear them, and puts the new ones in the hospital bag.   

Keep going, I can top all of your crazy parent stories all day long.

[ZaldamoWilder]

18 minutes ago, Quof said:

Keep going, I can top all of your crazy parent stories all day long.

Oooh, I love this game!

Sued me for custody of my kid for shits and giggles. 

Geaux!

[Quof]

My mother went to Al-Anon, because my father was a big, ole, vicious drunk.

And came home and talked about everyone who was there.

 

Mic drop.

[Mindthinkr]

20 minutes ago, Quof said:

 

Keep going, I can top all of your crazy parent stories all day long.

Sadly my parents have passed on and I wish I had stories to tell. Now I'm the crazy parent lol. That's actually cute about the hospital bag that your Mom keeps packed and you refresh every Christmas. I may have to copy it so my daughter has another crazy Mom story. Well, you never know when it might be needed. I'm more likely to do a getaway bag for travel and that will scare the crap out of my kid. I'm planning a trip as we speak but I won't tell her until a few days before I leave. 

[Quof]

I once gave her a book, then asked a few months later how she liked it.

It was in the hospital bag.   "What if you never go to the hospital? Will you never read it?"

She's younger than Cher, by the way.  I like to remind her of that when she says things like "I can't walk all the way across the parking lot, you'll have drop me off at the door."

[Mindthinkr]

Keep those amusing stories coming @Quof

[theredhead77]

Thanks for letting me vent. I know in the grand scheme of things this is a good problem to have and one day I'll miss my dad checking up on me. 

[Jaded]

Grief has been biting me in the ass lately and I've been missing my Mom a lot. That combined with my cat being super sick, the anniversary of Katrina and seeing what the people are going through in the Houston area causing flashbacks has put me in quite the mood. To the point where I'm having trouble sleeping. My depression has let me start  thinking that I let my Mom and cat down by not being a good enough caregiver to the point that I contributed to them getting so sick. I know in reality it's not true but that doesn't stop my brain from kicking around the idea usually when I can't sleep and my brain won't shut down for the night.

The Aunt from the part of the family I've posted about here previously posted on my page asking how I was doing after not hearing from them in a long while except when I sent a couple messages over the months about my cat's condition since they got him for me. I responded to her on my page and basically replied saying what I started this post with which resulted in her sending a FB PM response. Things started off ok and then as usual that knife gets twisted even more near the end. I'm part of a program where a person comes twice a week to help with light housework because I need it. I'm not proud of that and still try to do what I can myself. It took 9 months after my paperwork getting sent in for me to get approved for it. Since last Sept. I'm on my 5th person due to changing to a different agency that also employs the people that come out (first one was poorly run) people leaving the job due to poor pay, the treatment they receive by the companies and patients trying to make them do more then what they are supposed to. The person who started coming a couple weeks ago is the best so far and has helped me not feel as guilty for taking help that I need.

Not that I needed to explain that much. That's something I'm trying to work on. Accepting that I don't always have to over explain things when those feelings of needing to justify something in my life to other people. The response that I got from the Aunt is under the spoiler tag. I never said I didn't want them to visit. They took feeling that way upon themselves when I requested that they quit smothering me with religion. I didn't know getting mail in my mailbox was something to be thankful for.  
 

Spoiler

******, you are not a failure and you did not fail your Mom or Captain. You were there with and for your Mom and you are with and for Captain. Some times things are just out of our control.

Look at all the blessings you have around you. Your house, means a roof over your head, food to eat, a sweet cat to love and who loves you, **** that comes and does the things she does for you, the ones that come and clean for you, getting mail in your mailbox and so on. There is a lot of good in your life. I am thankful for that.

You are not alone, unless you choose to be. We are here for you and love you. We would love to come visit you but you don't want us there. 
I know you don't want to hear about religion but we are  not talking religion, we are talking relationship with Our Heavenly Father and and our relationship with you.

[Hanahope]

My family just got home after flying 11 hours plus a 6 hour time change, so we've been up for 19 hours.  We have no food in the house (on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks).  Me and the kids are tired and hungry. But hubby has to do his hour long workout routine before we can go grocery shopping. 

ETA:

Ok, so after waiting almost another hour, where I napped a bit on the sofa, and he still wasn't done, I'd had it.  I was exhausted, my stomach wasn't feeling well from the flight, I was done, I went to bed.  

I got up at 5am today (Monday) (still on Europe time).  since I'd been gone so long, I went to my office today to catch up on stuff, as I have big meetings Wed and Thurs.  Given we had no food still, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a 'wake up wrap', hash browns, and coffee.  Now in my office, I've literally had to run to the bathroom 3 times because my stomach is all upset at the abuse (airplane food, then no food, then DD food).  Haven't been able to get much work done.

Edited September 4, 2017 by Hanahope

[DeLurker]

My Dad passed away last Wednesday night/early Thursday.  I am not sure what they will say is the official cause of death, but he passed in his sleep, he was not in pain nor uncomfortable and he was not afraid of dying - in fact, my whole life he always read books about the people who can communicate with the afterlife and was quite fascinated by the topic.  And for us, it wasn't unexpected.

So far, Mom is doing ok but there's been nonstop people there.  Brother 3 lives one house away and has been over there pretty much every night since I left about the first week in August.  Dad's muscles deteriorated rapidly after I left, so there were often times that my Mom could not safely get him out of the bed and into his wheelchair.  My brother could though and did, plus give him a shower nightly just because he always liked taking one in the evening.  On those days, Mom would just make sure to move him from his back to his side every few hours (using pillow to prop him up).  Brother 2 and his wife came down to visit the weekend before he passed and my nephew and niece came over each night to visit and say goodnight.  It wasn't clear that the time was getting close since my Dad has been on death's doorstep a number of times but had always managed to bounce back.

Brother 4 flew in last Friday and Brother 1, his daughter and her 2 children drove out Saturday morning/arrived yesterday afternoon. Brother 2 took off a few days to stay with Mom and help get the various arrangements made up.

For weather related reasons (in Houston area, so Harvey) I've delayed going.  My SIL and I will fly out Friday for the services on Saturday although we are obsessively checking Hurricane Irma's progress since that may impact our flight or our stay in Florida*.  I'll stay with my Mom for the following week until the 17th.  After next weekend, most people will have to get back to their regular commitments.  We're not concerned about her being alone, but the transition from conceptual to reality is probably going to be a bit rough.  They just had their 60th wedding anniversary on Aug. 8th.

My children aren't coming to the services - I left it up to them, especially since we were there all summer.  My daughter is in high school and that just started August 16th, but with Harvey, the schools in the district were all closed for 6 school days.  My son's college classes all have an online option, so he can attend from home for now.  My SIL will check on them (plus she is a teacher at my daughter's high school) and I have two nephews they can call if they need help with anything.  I know they'll be fine, but I'll be a little freaked out anyway. 

I can't be sad about his passing - going in his sleep, no pain and not afraid seems like the winning trifecta to me. He was 84, almost 85, he adored his wife, he loved his children and grandchildren, and was loved in return.

* Of course, Irma might swing into the Gulf of Mexico and then I can worry about it hitting the Houston area again where my children will be. 

[Mindthinkr]

@DeLurker  I'm very saddened to hear about your Dads passing. You have my heartfelt thoughts for everyone in your family to be safe during this challenging time and travels. My deepest sympathy to you. 

[rcc]

21 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

My Dad passed away last Wednesday night/early Thursday.  I am not sure what they will say is the official cause of death, but he passed in his sleep, he was not in pain nor uncomfortable and he was not afraid of dying - in fact, my whole life he always read books about the people who can communicate with the afterlife and was quite fascinated by the topic.  And for us, it wasn't unexpected.

So far, Mom is doing ok but there's been nonstop people there.  Brother 3 lives one house away and has been over there pretty much every night since I left about the first week in August.  Dad's muscles deteriorated rapidly after I left, so there were often times that my Mom could not safely get him out of the bed and into his wheelchair.  My brother could though and did, plus give him a shower nightly just because he always liked taking one in the evening.  On those days, Mom would just make sure to move him from his back to his side every few hours (using pillow to prop him up).  Brother 2 and his wife came down to visit the weekend before he passed and my nephew and niece came over each night to visit and say goodnight.  It wasn't clear that the time was getting close since my Dad has been on death's doorstep a number of times but had always managed to bounce back.

Brother 4 flew in last Friday and Brother 1, his daughter and her 2 children drove out Saturday morning/arrived yesterday afternoon. Brother 2 took off a few days to stay with Mom and help get the various arrangements made up.

For weather related reasons (in Houston area, so Harvey) I've delayed going.  My SIL and I will fly out Friday for the services on Saturday although we are obsessively checking Hurricane Irma's progress since that may impact our flight or our stay in Florida*.  I'll stay with my Mom for the following week until the 17th.  After next weekend, most people will have to get back to their regular commitments.  We're not concerned about her being alone, but the transition from conceptual to reality is probably going to be a bit rough.  They just had their 60th wedding anniversary on Aug. 8th.

My children aren't coming to the services - I left it up to them, especially since we were there all summer.  My daughter is in high school and that just started August 16th, but with Harvey, the schools in the district were all closed for 6 school days.  My son's college classes all have an online option, so he can attend from home for now.  My SIL will check on them (plus she is a teacher at my daughter's high school) and I have two nephews they can call if they need help with anything.  I know they'll be fine, but I'll be a little freaked out anyway. 

I can't be sad about his passing - going in his sleep, no pain and not afraid seems like the winning trifecta to me. He was 84, almost 85, he adored his wife, he loved his children and grandchildren, and was loved in return.

* Of course, Irma might swing into the Gulf of Mexico and then I can worry about it hitting the Houston area again where my children will be. 

That is the best way to go IMO. My grandmother died the same way at 92. She just went to sleep. No pain. Sorry for your loss.

[JTMacc99]

My thoughts are with you @DeLurker  Safe travels to be with your family. 

[NutMeg]

@Delurker, I'm so sorry about your dad. It's a comfort though somehow to know he went in his sleep. You have my deepest sympathy, you, your mom, your siblings, all of your family.  Be well, take care.

[ebk57]

I'm so sorry to hear this @DeLurker.  Even though it's expected (or at least sorta expected), the reality of it sometimes hits harder than we think it will.  All my best to you and your family in this trying time.  Hoping for safe travels and calm weather all around.

[auntlada]

I'm sorry, @DeLurker.

[Bastet]

My condolences on the loss of your dad, @DeLurker.  My grandpa died in his sleep at 89; he was ready, and it was time.  It was still sad to be without him, but I was very grateful for the peaceful end he had.  I'm glad your dad's peaceful passing is giving you comfort, too.  It's still a difficult time, and I'll be thinking of you.

[walnutqueen]

I am so very sorry for your loss, @DeLurker.

[DeLurker]

Thank you everyone.  I'm get pretty tear eyed reading through your responses.  Many thanks for your condolences and good wishes.

[Moose135]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad, @DeLurker.  I'm glad you were able to spend some time with him this summer.  I'm sure he was happy to see you, and I know you will feel better having visited with him.  Next week will be a year that my Dad passed - he was fighting cancer, and I was able to get back home a couple of times over the summer.  I went up Labor Day weekend and spent the week visiting, and he passed two days after I left.  It meant a lot to spend those last few days with him, and I know you will back on the time you spent with him this summer fondly.  I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

[BookWoman56]

@DeLurker, I'm also sorry to hear of your loss. I'm glad for your sake and his that it was a peaceful and painless end.  I also applaud your honesty in saying that you can't be sad about his death, because of the combination of his age, having lived a good life, and ending in a way that didn't involve fear and pain.  I have the same lack of sadness about my father's death that occurred a few years ago, for similar reasons: he was in his mid-80s, had spent most of his life doing what he wanted to and enjoying it, and he died from a brief but intense illness (West Nile) that left him unaware of his surroundings for the last week he was alive.  All things considered, that was not a bad way to end. It will take some time for your mother and the rest of your family to adjust to your loss, and the only advice I can offer is to grieve on your own timeline and in your own way.  Don't let anyone tell you how/what you should be feeling or how you should be expressing your feelings about your loss. 

[ratgirlagogo]

DeLurker,  I feel for your loss.  But at least you can have the comfort of knowing he had the blessing of an easy death.  Take care of yourself and good  luck with the travelling.

[Hanahope]

Very sorry for your loss DeLurker.

[Jaded]

So sorry for your loss @DeLurker. 

[ZaldamoWilder]

@DeLurker I'm so sorry.  My deepest condolences to you and your family. 

[Mindthinkr]

I love the kindness of this thread. So much support for those in need or going through a tough time. Sometimes the kindness of strangers is better than the supposed unconditional love of families. 

[AgentRXS]

@DeLurker I am so sorry for your loss but so relieved for you and your family that your dad went peacefully and without pain. Hoping this hurricane stays out of your family's path, so you have one less thing to worry about.

Edited September 5, 2017 by AgentRXS

[emma675]

DELURKER, my condolences on your dad's passing. I thought it was really beautiful the way you described it--asleep, pain free and okay with going. It's the most any of us can hope for, for ourselves and our loved ones.

[DeLurker]

Mom called me this morning during a brief moment of quiet there.  Mostly I just listened, but one of the things she said made me feel very good.  She said she was just thinking of Dad being TDY* and that the separation isn't forever.

TDY is the short hand of Temporary Duty from when my Dad was in the Air Force.  They married in 1957 and so Dad was TDY a lot through the early 70s.  There were times he was gone 6 - 12 months at a time.

[Mindthinkr]

19 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

Mom called me this morning during a brief moment of quiet there.  Mostly I just listened, but one of the things she said made me feel very good.  She said she was just thinking of Dad being TDY* and that the separation isn't forever.

TDY is the short hand of Temporary Duty from when my Dad was in the Air Force.  They married in 1957 and so Dad was TDY a lot through the early 70s.  There were times he was gone 6 - 12 months at a time.

That was so sweet. Thank you for sharing. 

[DeLurker]

Well funeral services have been postponed since Mom lives in Ft Pierce (Florida) and there's Irma that may/may not hit Florida.  There were a fair amount of family flying in, myself included, who would get there in the next day or two for a Saturday service so even if we could get there, we might not be able to get out if airports were closed.

[Mindthinkr]

@DeLurker Gee, this has been tough on you and your family. Between Texas and Florida you don't really have good options of what to do. I'm glad that your brother is there to help your Mom. Will she go to his home should the storm hit? This is turning into a crazy month for so many people. My heart goes out to you and your family dealing with all of the challenges and sorrows of this time. 

[DeLurker]

Thank you.  To make matters worse, my brother and my Mom live on a barrier island so not even on the mainland.  They've postponed the services and told everyone who was planning on attending.

But, as of right now my Brother 1, his daughter and her kids will be driving out today to come back to Texas.  My nephew, Mom and her cat will be driving right behind them and they will come and stay with me*  Brother 2 lives in Melbourne and Brother 3 will go up and stay with him if it starts tracking towards their coast of Florida.  Brother 4 I'm not sure what he'll do.  He lives in NC now (but in the nw corner of the state), but his daughter & grandchildren lives down in Hollywood Florida and he is already in Ft Pierce to be with Mom and for the services.  No one can take him down south (and it would be madness to get in and out) but he wants to ride it out with his daughter if he can.

*Driving 1,100(ish) miles to get out of a possible hurricane to another location that has some exposure to the same hurricane seems daft, but if Mom stayed in Florida she would be hell bent on staying at home.  And that means Brother 3 would stay on the island too to be with my Mom.  And his son, my nephew was born with disabilities and has extremely limited mobility (just started walking about 18 months ago after a major operation at Stanford Medical) and he's 18.  And if his Dad stayed to be with Grandma, he would stay too (there is an overabundance of the shithead gene in my family).  He's been itching to roadtrip, so that works for my nephew, it gets Mom off the island, she gets to bring her cat with her....

The last week or so has been a barrel of monkeys.

[Mindthinkr]

43 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

Thank you.  To make matters worse, my brother and my Mom live on a barrier island so not even on the mainland.  They've postponed the services and told everyone who was planning on attending.

But, as of right now my Brother 1, his daughter and her kids will be driving out today to come back to Texas.  My nephew, Mom and her cat will be driving right behind them and they will come and stay with me*  Brother 2 lives in Melbourne and Brother 3 will go up and stay with him if it starts tracking towards their coast of Florida.  Brother 4 I'm not sure what he'll do.  He lives in NC now (but in the nw corner of the state), but his daughter & grandchildren lives down in Hollywood Florida and he is already in Ft Pierce to be with Mom and for the services.  No one can take him down south (and it would be madness to get in and out) but he wants to ride it out with his daughter if he can.

*Driving 1,100(ish) miles to get out of a possible hurricane to another location that has some exposure to the same hurricane seems daft, but if Mom stayed in Florida she would be hell bent on staying at home.  And that means Brother 3 would stay on the island too to be with my Mom.  And his son, my nephew was born with disabilities and has extremely limited mobility (just started walking about 18 months ago after a major operation at Stanford Medical) and he's 18.  And if his Dad stayed to be with Grandma, he would stay too (there is an overabundance of the shithead gene in my family).  He's been itching to roadtrip, so that works for my nephew, it gets Mom off the island, she gets to bring her cat with her....

The last week or so has been a barrel of monkeys.

You make my worries (I was actually thinking I have PTSD from a prior bad hurricane experience) seem like small potatoes. 

Glad that your Mom is going to be with your nephew and brother heading out your way. If it takes a turn they can always divert and go north from the Gulf Coast. Just saw the weather and it has already begun a slight turn to the north. I tell you not to worry as we are a magnet for these darn things! 

Barrier islands are tough as (in my case) they close bridges when the wind gets too high and services are usually turned off prior to the hit to reduce secondary events. Even if she rode it out safely, she wouldn't be comfortable without electricity, water etc. This has been a lot on you Mom. I hope that she fares well through all the struggles. Life has dealt your family a lot of tough blows lately. My peace and safety be with all of you. 

[ratgirlagogo]

10 hours ago, DeLurker said:

The last week or so has been a barrel of monkeys.

Good luck and all my prayers to you maneuvering your way through this difficult event made so much more difficult by, events.

[riley702]

12 hours ago, DeLurker said:

There is an overabundance of the shithead gene in my family. 

Are we related?