Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[ari333]

On ‎4‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 8:03 PM, AgentRXS said:

Also, to lighten the mood up a bit....this photo reminds me of every family photo I've ever taken. I, of course, am the cat. I have Resting Bitch Face so I hate being photographed because I always look so sour.

I am so the cat too!

[emma675]

Oh yeah, Petunia13, we're going to need details!

[ari333]

3 hours ago, Petunia13 said:

I wanted to follow up on my previous post. I did continue speaking to my ex-con family member on Facebook. We chatted nicely about tv, former coworkers, animals, coffee, daily about 2 weeks. I agreed under pressure and short notice to meet up for a late lunch and drinks. 

it did not go well. 

I'm sorry it did not go well.

However, your image with the text is my second laugh of the day. The dogs with the one cat were my first laugh. Keep um comin people.

"There are two sides to every story; Fuck your side though." I am so keeping that one. :-) 

[Petunia13]

I think there's always question of nature vs nurture. This person was my sibling. I moved out very young (when I was 17) and she was younger - 14. We didn't really talk or see each other after that day. She had a DUI underage at one point and I bailed her out even though we weren't talking or friends. I had known she had eventually went to prison. Our mother who wasn't close to her either posted her bail and she got arrested again before that trial. She has to date about 12 arrests for drug related stuff or stealing drugs (like from a dr office) and one felony weapons offense for a drive by shooting which was what sent her to prison. I have never been arrested and never used a gun or beat anyone up. 

So she's seemed cordial and level headed on emails on a consistent basis. She twisted my arm to meet up Saturday. I did and spent a fair amount of time and money. She acted a bit insincere and overly talky and pushy. It's hard to describe but unlikable. At one point makeup came up and of course she's the expert on that (and a lot of stuff!) and she said something about my eyes having a droopy monolid and that I don't pass for white. I said I disagreed. So she goes and asks people, strangers, in the tap house that very question about my eyes sagging and my looks! She also was a bit "extra" and demanding with the wait staff. Other weird and rude shit said to me. 

This could possibly be hand waved except after time there and 2 beers her facade slipped and the blame game and bullshit started. Nothing's her fault she's great everyone else is shit. On and on. And if I didn't state I agreed she heightened the arguments. Or tried to cry at her hurt by my not stating yes you had it so bad. If mom or me helped you blah blah would be different. You have all these (vague unmedically probable pain ailments and anxiety) because of mom or me and your childhood. It was embarrassing and exhausting. She claims to innocent of all 12 crimes done over a decade, yes she was framed. The manipulation didn't really work. I didn't get mad or outright disagree but didn't indulge this delusional bullshit either. I eventually tried to leave ("yawn I'm tired I have to go to work at 3am and it's 8pm.." true that's my life and I spend my afternoon and evening off with this fuckshit! Ha) and of course she got hysterical and wouldn't let me go. 

It was a hot mess. And when I left and in her email since she still didn't thank me for driving out to take her out. The only comment was she got laryngitis from having to explain so much to me. Of course. 

[DeLurker]

@Petunia13 - To me the only upside is she's not smoother so you could see what she was in short order.  You have first hand information now to make your decision as to where she should be in your life.  Most of us have that person in our own family where their life is shit but it is never their fault.  All of us get some bad breaks or hit rough patches - how we get through them (once we grow up) is up to us.  And we choose to stay stuck behind a problem* 5/10/15 years after it happens.  There are events that shape our life and sometimes throws up a roadblock, but we need to figure out how to move forward from there.

I'm a ridiculous optimist so I hope that she finds a way to move past this, but other then wishing her well you've got no obligation (nor motivation based on the meeting) to get mired down with her drama.

[emma675]

Ugh, Petunia13, that sucks. It sounds like if prison didn't help her shape up, nothing will. She sounds like a complete narcissist.

[riley702]

Yikes! I'm so sorry, but now you know. She can pass for normal in e-mails, but not in person, which is good information to have.

[ari333]

My family pecks me. Just many, many tiny pecks. And then they wonder why I don't show up. I could list some examples; but I'm afraid that I'll seem like a loon, if I haven't already. :-)

If it weren't sad, it'd be funny.

[Quof]

I can't recall the last time my brother communicated with me, it's been at least 2 years.  Today he emailed to ask a question that is specifically within my professional wheelhouse.

Now he's arguing with me and telling me I'm wrong.

I guess the last 25 years of my career have been for naught. 

[Petunia13]

I read a few articles and thought of the recent experience I described above and the manipulation and feigned emotions and lack of remorse. I thought of her behavior in the past through childhood and early teens, the myriad crimes, casual violence and her attempting murder. I'm pretty sure my sibling is a sociopath comparing the articles and texts with all this. 

[riley702]

I'm so sorry, Petunia. I'm pretty lucky; with the interpersonal relationships among my siblings, I have one that's well-intentioned but clueless, one that's trying really hard, and one that's just a selfish asshole. Small potatoes, really. And I don't really want to know how they'd describe me. Politics is the least of what we disagree about - it's more a world view (which probably drives our political views).

[JTMacc99]

17 hours ago, Quof said:

I can't recall the last time my brother communicated with me, it's been at least 2 years.  Today he emailed to ask a question that is specifically within my professional wheelhouse.

Now he's arguing with me and telling me I'm wrong.

I guess the last 25 years of my career have been for naught. 

Just out of curiosity, do you know if he is like that with everybody, or does he save it for you? I know a couple grown ups who do this. I'm perfectly okay with seven year gaps in communication with them. Fortunately I'm not related to any of them.

However, I've got a 10 year-old who sporadically tells me I'm wrong for no particular reason other than I must be wrong. This has been going on pretty much since the day she was born. It's particularly annoying when it's about things like math. Because, you know, math isn't subjective. When I start to break out the visual aids to demonstrate exactly what the homework is asking, she gets frustrated because I'm trying to combat her argument with undeniable logic. 

I hope this won't be a life long issue with us. At some point very early on after I graduated from college and got a taste for the real world, I suddenly realized that my dad was right about a whole bunch of stuff that didn't seem right when I was a kid.  I'm hoping the same will be true for her. 

[DeLurker]

32 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

However, I've got a 10 year-old who sporadically tells me I'm wrong for no particular reason other than I must be wrong. This has been going on pretty much since the day she was born. It's particularly annoying when it's about things like math. Because, you know, math isn't subjective. When I start to break out the visual aids to demonstrate exactly what the homework is asking, she gets frustrated because I'm trying to combat her argument with undeniable logic.

My oldest brother's oldest child was super smart, which is no surprise because my brother and his wife are too.  He and his daughter had loads of discussions that went the same way as the one you described.  He always traveled a lot for work so sometimes would be gone for 3-6 weeks at a time.  She was about 8 when she said to him on a phone call when he was on one of these extended trips "When are you going to be home?  Arguing with Mom is no fun."

[JTMacc99]

9 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

"When are you going to be home?  Arguing with Mom is no fun."

That is most certainly true in my home.

[auntlada]

@JTMacc99, maybe your daughter will be like Mark Twain: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

[JTMacc99]

I hope so.

Mark Twain and I had a lot in common. 

[Quof]

JTMacc99, Well, he has been told since birth that he is the most special, brilliant creature to ever walk the earth.  I doubt that he even asks anyone for advice, because he knows everything, so I guess I should be flattered he even asked me a question.  

I was once advising my mother on an issue, again within my professional wheelhouse, and she said "Yeah, your brother doesn't think I should do that."  

"Wow, I know he has played eenie meenie minie moe with his career choices (because work gets hard, then he quits), and I don't talk to him often, but I think I would have heard about the three years he was in law school."

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, Quof said:

Well, he has been told since birth that he is the most special, brilliant creature to ever walk the earth.

Got it. Ugh. 

[hoosier80]

Well, here's one of the 'holiday' type weekends I dread.  Going to Mom's for Mother's Day.  Just spoke with her.  Already complaining.  Sigh.

My brother, who is also the one who can do no wrong, suggested (more like mandated) that we buy Mom some new furniture for her upcoming birthday, a milestone birthday.  He actually said to me, he'd pay for it all if I couldn't afford it.  I've been working steadily for 25 years, while he has had job upon job, now just working as a contractor.  Ironic because he was the smartest ever (according to mom, yes he had almost all straight A's, but he's wound tighter than a top), has an advanced degree, but is working as basically a temp in a factory.  He will not ever let me forget it that years ago, I was financially strapped.  I worked myself out of that hole, and am living comfortably now.  I told him yes, I would gladly pay for my share. 

The furniture got delivered today.  Mom is already complaining about one piece.  Now she's  complaining in a passive aggressive way.  Never really says outright what she wants, just assumes you should know or should do what she wants.  The color was bad, but boy I didn't say a word in the store as it was her decision.  Had she not selected that color, she would've been saying you stopped me from getting my favorite.  She doesn't think it's like the other pieces, etc.  I emailed Mr. Wonderful to let him know.  I say find out if we can get the color changed.  This, in retrospect, was a very bad idea.  She will now complain and complain; I can hear how her old pieces were just so much better.  She actually said now she'd like another place to live (angry at her HOA), that's what we should have done.  Plus, it's all my fault; it was her dream to live with me (an unexpressed dream, never mentioned to me).  She wouldn't be happy living with me; I live in another city and her hometown is all she ever has known.  It's just the best place ever to hear her say it.  She once yelled at me, after I said I had a 4 hour drive to get to her house.  Well you choose to live there!  Yes, because it would be foolhardy to leave a job after 20+ years, plus I'm 60.  I'd lose benefits, plus getting as good of a job at 60 would be difficult.  "Other people do it".  No, they do not, not easily.  She still thinks I'm about 12 years old, and she can boss me around or talk to me however she wants.  Now she won't criticize Mr. Wonderful.  He's he man after all.  She'll complain to me. 

For Mother's Day, Mr. Wonderful asked me if she needed any flowers.  No, hell no.  She actually agreed.  About a week or so ago, she got the great idea to get large planters to put at the top of her driveway, on the edges of her garage.  A neighbor did that, so she has to keep up with the Joneses.  She thinks she can get perennials and scoot the large planters in her crowded garage or bring  them inside.  It'd be me doing the upkeep.  I really think she's expecting flowers now, but I'd already ordered stuff she insisted she wanted (and sent directly to Mr. Wonderful).  I do cleaning when I'm there, and gardening in the warmer months.  She just had a new landscaper come out to do weeding, trimming, and mulching.  Already complaining about weeds, which I know means she's expecting my ass to go out and take care of it. She'd said tonight, I hoped you would come here this evening.  Again, I hate driving at night, plus I had to work until 6.  If I say I have to work over, did the 'others' do that?  Why do you have to?  Well, that's the way it is.   My stomach has been upset all week, I'm sure anticipating this awful weekend.  To top it off, my co-worker took today and Monday off, so I had to cover everything.  No chance of me taking Monday  off to give myself a breather and recoup after the weekend.  I think I'm taking Wed thru Friday off, no matter the shit going on at work. Let them figure it out. 

Debating if I should use the Swiffer I keep in my car to clean her floors.  She yelled at me and said she had bugs because I used that store stuff instead of what she has - a feather duster so dirty it has crusty remains on it.  She doesn't own a floor mop, so I guess she thinks I should scrub on my hands and knees - not happening.  She does have an awkward steam mop, but it's so old and bulky - doesn't get underneath cabinets.  I'm going to see.  Oh, I also "stirred up" the bugs by taking down the many spider webs she had in every room.  She didn't care about them, and now she has bugs.  The bugs (small tiny bugs) started appearing after the weather got warmer and after a big period of rain.  But my cleaning brought it on.  No thanks, no nothing, just yelled at me.  I told her I wouldn't do it any more (clean), and hung up on her.  I got a couple days of the silent treatment,   which ended when she needed me to do something.

Time to go and pack or at least get some sleep.  Really dreading this.

[riley702]

Ick. Can you guys hire someone to clean?

[DeLurker]

@hoosier80 - I have no idea how you manage to make these trips to see your Mom.  Please do take care of yourself - difficult considering you'll be spending the weekend there - and drive safely getting back home.

[Jaded]

I was about to go to bed early when I saw an email from my asshole of an Uncle (my Mom's brother) . Stupid me clicked on it before going to bed and it was a upside down pic of my Mom's memorial marker with a different set of flowers then last year. She died at the end of Nov in 2015 and he and one of his sons sent a set of cakes from some bakery in Atl where the son lives for Xmas that year. (I guess his other son still doesn't talk to him) Last year on Mother's Day I got this same kind of memorial marker pic which is why I mentioned a different set of flowers. I didn't hear from him at all last Xmas or anytime after he sent the previous marker pic last year.

 

Now my heart is beating fast and I feel like I need to have a good cry or something. I already know my Mom isn't here anymore and don't need pictures of flowers on a memorial marker to remind me. I'm reminded everytime I see the closed door to her room that I haven't opened in over a year. I guess he thinks the pics will comfort me in some way or he wants me to thank him for taking flowers there?!? Whatever the reasoning behind it all it does is make me sadder.

 

Sorry that this post is a downer. I don't have many places or people I can rant about it to. ?

[DeLurker]

Don't apologize - we've all got "stuff" and this is a safe place to share them.

I'd write him a note to say you share in his loss and remembrance of your Mom, but the pictures are hard to see.  You'd prefer to celebrate her life and would love for him to share a childhood memory that stands out.

I'm so sorry Jaded. 

[AgentRXS]

I'm sorry, Jaded.  You and Delurker are better people than me. I would send an email back saying "Since you only seem fit to contact me on Mother's Day by reminding me that she's passed on (knowing that its only going to trigger an emotional reaction for me) , but can't check in the rest of the year to see if I'm ok/need anything, you are being blocked/deleted. Have a nice life."

[Jaded]

 I didn't think I would hear from him again after I didn't respond to the memorial marker photo from last year. Especially since I didn't hear from him during last year's holiday season at all which he knew was the first full one without my Mom and I was alone during it. He didn't even add any kind of commentary to this year's pic email just the pic in the email by itself with the subject line being "Mother's Day" as I mentioned previously. My first reaction was to reply with something like that @AgentRXS. I didn't want to act like a hothead in the heat of the moment like he's been known to do.

Edited May 16, 2017 by Jaded

[DeLurker]

11 hours ago, Jaded said:

My first reaction was to reply with something like that @AgentRXS. I didn't want to act like a hothead in the heat of the moment like he's been known to do.

That would be my first reaction too, so I smiled when @AgentRXS said "You and Delurker are better people than me.".

[Treehugger]

20 hours ago, Jaded said:

 I didn't think I would hear from him again after I didn't respond to the memorial marker photo from last year. Especially since I didn't hearing from him during last year's holiday season at all which he knew was the first full one without my Mom and I was alone during it. He didn't even add any kind of commentary to this year's pic email just the pic in the email by itself with the subject line being "Mother's Day" as I mentioned previously. My first reaction was to reply with something like that @AgentRXS. I didn't want to act like a hothead in the heat of the moment like he's been known to do.

Good for you in not replying to your hothead uncle.  He may deliberately be trying to push your buttons, and you have not given him that satisfaction.

Stating the obvious, it can be really tough to lose parents.  This was my 3rd Mother's Day without my mom; this was the first one since I lost her that has felt semi normal to me.  We all grieve in different ways and at our own pace.  Be kind and gentle to yourself.

[MrSmith]

@Jaded I would just block him and say nothing. There's nothing you can say that will get the point across to him, anyway. And since he doesn't contact you the rest of the year, you already know you're missing nothing if you block his email and throw out unopened any mail he sends you. I'm glad you had a good relationship with your mom.

[Petunia13]

Another update. My half sister has been messaging me, texting, and mentioning me in Facebook posts (that hyperlinks to your name so you see their posts and your followers see them too) pretty much nonstop. Its becoming more desperate and demanding. 

As I mentioned she was and is very unpleasant and irrational and I'm pretty sure she's a sociopath. Besides the attempted murder she was convicted of - she has no conscience or social skills and is very empty. I just want no part of her. Not because I dislike or hate her. Just she's very unpleasant to be around or speak to. And her mindset and personality she's just as calm and comfortable with robbing a business or stabbing a person or buying them a Harry and David basket. 

[auntlada]

You mya be able to prevent her from tagging you on Facebook. But you may also want to know what she is saying about you.

[MrSmith]

@Petunia13 Wow. I don't even know what to say. On the one hand, I'm like "Write on her timeline that you're blocking her, why you're blocking, tag everyone you can think of in the post, then actually block her." On the other hand, @auntlada makes really good points.

[emma675]

Yeah, my first impulse was to say "block that sh*t, asap!", but I'd also want to be able to keep tabs on what she's saying or doing, just in case.

[Petunia13]

You guys (and @MrSmith) knew more than me... I was hesitate to block since I'm not mad or bitter at her just was annoyed. But tonight someone tried to hack into my Facebook (I got a bunch of messages about resetting my password. I've had my Facebook since like it was invented in the dark age only for Ivies and this has never happened). I'm 99% positive it was her since her father was a hacker and sociopaths can be paranoid. So I did end up blocking her.  Like that's crossing a line - I've had the account forever and don't want coworkers seeing any fuckshit on my page or her scamming people on it. What a headache! It's annoying since I actually only was trying to be nice or fair originally. I could have been a dick and never met or spoken to her at all.  I just hope now she goes away and doesn't mess with me further cuz as I mentioned she has no conscience. Like I wasn't mad or trying to make her feel bad at all. She had some views of me, people, and the world I couldn't reaffirm and emotions I couldn't understand or placate. I hope this is the last of it but it doesn't seem good. 

[theredhead77]

Blocking her won't stop her from trying to log in as you. Change your password on your FB and your email to something super strong. I recommend unblocking her but putting her on the "restricted" list where she can't see anything you post and change your settings to you have to approve things posted on your wall.

[MrSmith]

8 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

Blocking her won't stop her from trying to log in as you. Change your password on your FB and your email to something super strong. I recommend unblocking her but putting her on the "restricted" list where she can't see anything you post and change your settings to you have to approve things posted on your wall.

This.

I use passphrases now. I generally find a movie quote I like and use some version of that. Feel free to replace letters with numbers, of course. I also use programming symbols, such as ! for "not" or generally "opposite of whatever comes after". For example, "This is too bad" could become "This is 2 !good", which gets you uppercase and lowercase letters, a number, and a symbol. The word "or" gets replaced with "||" (Shift + \, twice). Otherwise, I'll use symbols that look something like the concept they're supposed to represent, like "better", "best", or "greatest" could be represented in some way with ^ (Shift + 6).

And I find using full sentences or questions makes it very easy to remember, and it makes it very, very, very easy to end up with passphrases that are 30 to 50 characters long. That sounds like a lot to type, but it actually goes by pretty quickly. The only problem I've found is that some sites limit you to <20 characters, but then I just use a portion of another password and it seems to work out all right.

Edited May 27, 2017 by MrSmith

[theredhead77]

My mom has a Galaxy 5 and refuses to delete anything, so of course the storage is full.  Anytime I tried to back-up/delete/help clean up her phone my dad would get jumpy and tell me to leave it alone so I gave her an 8GB SD card to help with the storage issue.  He also gets jumpy any time I try and clean up / speed up my moms computer. Never mind I worked in IT helpdesk for a decade. My mom is on vacation and I just got an email from my dad that the son of her friend helped clean up and back up her phone.

I want to fucking scream at my dad for being such a sexist!

[Sun-Bun]

@hoosier80, I'm so sorry about your situation. Sounds like a doozy, and the inclusion of Mr. Wonderful, the brother who can do NO wrong((because he's a man, right? Her Awesome Man who knows everything and can do everything better than anyone, right??)) is exactly the tough sort of situation that some moms unfortunately stir up with passive-aggressive glee. I hope you're able to hold up and stay sane and bite that tongue whenever you're forced to have such ongoing interactions. You sound like you have your own valued methods of protection, so hang in there and know you're not alone. At any rate, sounds like you're a truly stellar daughter who goes above and beyond for her often ungrateful ass, and for that alone you deserve major props.

 

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, Mr. Wonderful brother included. I've tried to have a healthy relationship with mom all my life and also go above and beyond for her, but it's just never enough. I'm also trying to get to a comfortable place financially and therefore often get the brunt of her verbal barbs about it---never mind that I went into debt to get a degree towards my current successful career. Maybe if I'd been savvy enough to marry/divorce a doctor I'd be as "successful" as her((never mind that she's an only child and her late mom spoiled her with oodles of money and cars and even bought her the house she still lives in. But you think she ever offers to help or give me any money? Hah!)). 

 

And yes, why wouldn't I want to one day live with her and Mr. Wonderful in HER neighborhood in the house of HER choice? Forget my life with my husband and neighbors/friends and workplace here in our downtown neighborhood in our comfy condo---we should all just sell and move in together to a big suburban house so we can just take care of her!

Of course she hates my husband and takes every opportunity possible to cut him down. Never mind how kind he is to her and all he does to help her when he can. He's not a rich man who can take care of me and all our bills and we are happily ChildFree and enjoy our life together, therefore according to her we're selfish spendthrifts who will never amount to anything and die penniless.

 

Meanwhile, darling Mr. Wonderful can do no wrong. He goes out to dinner with her and spends time with her because he truly loves his mother, and he's single because he's "smart enough to avoid people who take advantage of him"((her exact words. Yes, those two divorces and endless messy breakups weren't his fault at all! He's such a "catch" that no educated woman over 25 wants anything to do with him, yep)). He does house/yardwork and handles her banking for her because he "knows how to handle that stuff." But I don't---I'm just the idiot with two bachelor degrees, an MFA and professional teaching licensure in 2 states. I can help her with mending clothes and other domestic/creative tasks because I'm just a worthless female.

Did I mention Mr. Wonderful is a college dropout and a former felon? Or that he was sent to reform school for pulling a knife on my stepfather, involvement in several armed robberies and forging checks on my late grandmother as a teenager?? Yep. Not to mention a pathological liar. But he's her man and he's grown up since then and he knows everything and he wouldn't ever lie to her!((except when he does))

 

I'm on Day 4 of mom's latest silent poutfest with me. Because I went on an all day wine tour this past Friday with my husband((a Valentines Day gift from him to me)) instead of meeting her for a boozy lunch invite. Never mind all the time I spent with her this past week otherwise. Yes, mom has a bit of an alcohol abuse issue as well---she drinks until she's a staggering, slobbering mess. I've seen her drink 2 bottles worth of wine in less than 2 hours. It doesn't help that she drinks and drives because Lyft/Uber are a "waste of money". She won't let me drive because I "don't drive well"((I had two minor accidents in my 20's, thanks to two careless drivers who slammed into me)). This woman is loaded yet she lives like a penniless miser, and her second husband graciously gave her a credit card to use at her whim. Lyft/Uber are wastes of money but drinking $50 worth of booze and driving home afterwards is totally rational to her.

This is our biggest point of contention---she could kill herself or someone else with that stupidly pointless, destructive behavior. I gave up drinking with her a few years ago due to her awful habit. I've literally dragged her out of restaurants in a stupor since I was a teenager, and at age 40 I'm longsince over her alcohol-drenched antics. It's why she and her second husband finally separated. It's why my husband genuinely worries for me when I do agree to meet her socially. Despite all attempted interventions though, she doesn't feel she has a problem. And this is a problem.

 

So anyways...I feel your pain on difficult, demanding, irrational mothers...and the darling brothers who can do no wrong. And being made to feel like nothing you do is ever good enough for her. I've been told by many well-meaning friends to ditch her, but the sad part is that I don't have anyone else in my immediate family, so I feel like I have to somehow maintain peace for my own inner-peace. But sometimes I really do wonder why I even bother. Or how I've somehow managed to avoid therapy while vaguely appearing as sane as I supposedly am.

[ZaldamoWilder]

On 6/12/2017 at 10:37 AM, Sun-Bun said:

@hoosier80, I'm so sorry about your situation. Sounds like a doozy, and the inclusion of Mr. Wonderful, the brother who can do NO wrong((because he's a man, right? Her Awesome Man who knows everything and can do everything better than anyone, right??)) is exactly the tough sort of situation that some moms unfortunately stir up with passive-aggressive glee. I hope you're able to hold up and stay sane and bite that tongue whenever you're forced to have such ongoing interactions. You sound like you have your own valued methods of protection, so hang in there and know you're not alone. At any rate, sounds like you're a truly stellar daughter who goes above and beyond for her often ungrateful ass, and for that alone you deserve major props.

 

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, Mr. Wonderful brother included. I've tried to have a healthy relationship with mom all my life and also go above and beyond for her, but it's just never enough. I'm also trying to get to a comfortable place financially and therefore often get the brunt of her verbal barbs about it---never mind that I went into debt to get a degree towards my current successful career. Maybe if I'd been savvy enough to marry/divorce a doctor I'd be as "successful" as her((never mind that she's an only child and her late mom spoiled her with oodles of money and cars and even bought her the house she still lives in. But you think she ever offers to help or give me any money? Hah!)). 

 

And yes, why wouldn't I want to one day live with her and Mr. Wonderful in HER neighborhood in the house of HER choice? Forget my life with my husband and neighbors/friends and workplace here in our downtown neighborhood in our comfy condo---we should all just sell and move in together to a big suburban house so we can just take care of her!

Of course she hates my husband and takes every opportunity possible to cut him down. Never mind how kind he is to her and all he does to help her when he can. He's not a rich man who can take care of me and all our bills and we are happily ChildFree and enjoy our life together, therefore according to her we're selfish spendthrifts who will never amount to anything and die penniless.

 

Meanwhile, darling Mr. Wonderful can do no wrong. He goes out to dinner with her and spends time with her because he truly loves his mother, and he's single because he's "smart enough to avoid people who take advantage of him"((her exact words. Yes, those two divorces and endless messy breakups weren't his fault at all! He's such a "catch" that no educated woman over 25 wants anything to do with him, yep)). He does house/yardwork and handles her banking for her because he "knows how to handle that stuff." But I don't---I'm just the idiot with two bachelor degrees, an MFA and professional teaching licensure in 2 states. I can help her with mending clothes and other domestic/creative tasks because I'm just a worthless female.

Did I mention Mr. Wonderful is a college dropout and a former felon? Or that he was sent to reform school for pulling a knife on my stepfather, involvement in several armed robberies and forging checks on my late grandmother as a teenager?? Yep. Not to mention a pathological liar. But he's her man and he's grown up since then and he knows everything and he wouldn't ever lie to her!((except when he does))

 

I'm on Day 4 of mom's latest silent poutfest with me. Because I went on an all day wine tour this past Friday with my husband((a Valentines Day gift from him to me)) instead of meeting her for a boozy lunch invite. Never mind all the time I spent with her this past week otherwise. Yes, mom has a bit of an alcohol abuse issue as well---she drinks until she's a staggering, slobbering mess. I've seen her drink 2 bottles worth of wine in less than 2 hours. It doesn't help that she drinks and drives because Lyft/Uber are a "waste of money". She won't let me drive because I "don't drive well"((I had two minor accidents in my 20's, thanks to two careless drivers who slammed into me)). This woman is loaded yet she lives like a penniless miser, and her second husband graciously gave her a credit card to use at her whim. Lyft/Uber are wastes of money but drinking $50 worth of booze and driving home afterwards is totally rational to her.

This is our biggest point of contention---she could kill herself or someone else with that stupidly pointless, destructive behavior. I gave up drinking with her a few years ago due to her awful habit. I've literally dragged her out of restaurants in a stupor since I was a teenager, and at age 40 I'm longsince over her alcohol-drenched antics. It's why she and her second husband finally separated. It's why my husband genuinely worries for me when I do agree to meet her socially. Despite all attempted interventions though, she doesn't feel she has a problem. And this is a problem.

 

So anyways...I feel your pain on difficult, demanding, irrational mothers...and the darling brothers who can do no wrong. And being made to feel like nothing you do is ever good enough for her. I've been told by many well-meaning friends to ditch her, but the sad part is that I don't have anyone else in my immediate family, so I feel like I have to somehow maintain peace for my own inner-peace. But sometimes I really do wonder why I even bother. Or how I've somehow managed to avoid therapy while vaguely appearing as sane as I supposedly am.

Sorry to bust in here unannounced and stuff.   I should've (did) known better than to come in here.  You guys have been bringing tears up and over the brink for pages now.   But SunBun this here........it's the opposite hunny.   If she's anything like some of the other thread moms - including mine - there is no maintaining peace with her.  You choose to either have her and the volatility in your life or have peace without her - children of dysfunction don't get to cherry pick.    Awww, hugs girl.  I know what a constant struggle this can be.   This morning, as in 6/26/17, my only sibling - also the golden child btw, called me sobbing with the breaking news that our parents are emotionally manipulative assholes whom she'd never speak to again, so I was not to ever reveal her phone number.  She's 38.  Wanna know how long it's taken her to get here despite extreme illustrations of their fucked upedness in my life?  If you guessed 38 years, you're moving on to round two.    I know it doesn't work because for all 38 years, she's tried mightily to be this person, employing all sorts of methods:  dissociation, denial, mitigation, minimization, rationalization.   Dysfunction is like a broken hydrant.  You can't stop the water with logic or consequence or reason or compassion or your hands.  You can't stop the water.   What you can do is decide how long you're gonna stand there and get wet.   People who think just *ditching* her and moving on would be easy have never managed a relationship like this.    I'm rooting for you to do what's best for you.   In the meantime know this:  1. you're not the crazy one.   2.  she cannot affect you without your help.   3.  you deserve for your life not revolve around "what mom will say".   She's lived her life, you live yours babe. 

That was preachier than I meant it to sound, apologies.   Jesus, I feel like this thread should be called I Survived.  lol.   Hi ya'll~

[Sun-Bun]

Thanks so much for that, @ZaldamoWilder; you weren't preachy at all and I certainly do appreciate your caring words and compassion. I will indeed take your advice to heart and not let her get to me so much. Blessings and survival fistbumps to you too!!

[riley702]

On 6/12/2017 at 10:37 AM, Sun-Bun said:

Of course she hates my husband and takes every opportunity possible to cut him down. Never mind how kind he is to her and all he does to help her when he can. He's not a rich man who can take care of me and all our bills and we are happily ChildFree and enjoy our life together, therefore according to her we're selfish spendthrifts who will never amount to anything and die penniless.

I'm sorry, Sun-Bun, she sounds like a treat. As for the bolded, unless you have someone/something you want to leave a bequest to, this sounds ideal. It's not like you can take it with you. I say spend it all and die broke. Use it on what you want, and make you happy. Cheers!

[DeLurker]

OK - a bit of family history.  One of my brother's (brother 4) has rather strained family relationships with out parents and the other siblings.  His wife is no peach and has only exasperated things over the years.  they have one daughter who is now 29ish with 2 kids.  I'm the only one she has kept in touch with (besides her parents) the last few years.  She, or they, have been invited to various family gatherings, but have always declined.  Her Dad was visiting Florida a few months ago and she did not come up to visit my parents and other family when he was here (he did also stay with her and one of his old friends during the visit).

Anyway...brother 2 is having a get together at his house on July 8th.  His son and grandson will be in for a short visit and all the family, including my niece and her kids, have been invited up.  I had hoped my niece would go because she's an only child and has estranged herself.  In fact, my parents have not even met her little girl (2) despite stopping by to do exactly that when she was newborn (lame excuse given and wouldn't even allow her Dad to bring the baby out so they could see her).  The drama regarding the estrangement is all a bunch of manufactured drama and a life long diet of her Mom telling her the rest of us look down on them.

I emailed her to see if she was going up on the 8th, but she said her ex has her oldest that day and was hoping they all could come up on the next day to visit at my Mom's.  First and foremost, I'm more concerned about how much the outing on Saturday will take out of my Dad.  He's not doing so well and needs a lot of assistance on a daily basis in the house.  The outing to my brother's, including an hours drive each way, is not something he bounces back from like before.  Second, she's pissed off my Mom royally in the past - which my Mom will get over (being armed with a cute great grandchild or two helps), but the reason for not going to the original get together is sketchy.  Her ex would be agreeable to a change (we've known him for years) in the visitation.

If I ok the visit on Sunday, I'm thinking there is a reasonable chance that something will come up at the last minute so she'll be a no-show.  If I ask my Mom, she'll say yes but mostly for my sake. 

The other alternative is we find another convenient time and I go down to see her and the kids.

[riley702]

I'm tempted to say screw her. How long does the family need to tippy-toe around someone who keeps slapping them in the face? Disclosure - I have family members I've written off because of years-long shitty behavior like this.

[DeLurker]

Thanks @riley702 - I was leaning towards just stopping by to see her when I hit So. Florida (hi @AgentRXS!) to visit with friends.  I hadn't really thought of it as "tiptoeing" around, but that's exactly what the situation has evolved into.

My parents and my brother who lives a house away (#3), have enough real challenges of their own and don't need another chapter of manufactured drama.

Brother 3 helps my parents a lot.  He works, has 2 kids (18 & 20) at home, his own house to take care of...but he stops by my ( our) parents for at least a few minutes every evening to visit and comes over at least 4-5 times per week to help Dad shower because he knows he will feel more comfortable and Mom needs help with some of the more involved things because Dad's motor skills are iffy these days.  He's pretty awesome.

[AgentRXS]

@DeLurker Welcome (back) to the jungle (whenever you get here)!

[ZaldamoWilder]

22 hours ago, DeLurker said:

OK - a bit of family history.  One of my brother's (brother 4) has rather strained family relationships with out parents and the other siblings.  His wife is no peach and has only exasperated things over the years.  they have one daughter who is now 29ish with 2 kids.  I'm the only one she has kept in touch with (besides her parents) the last few years.  She, or they, have been invited to various family gatherings, but have always declined.  Her Dad was visiting Florida a few months ago and she did not come up to visit my parents and other family when he was here (he did also stay with her and one of his old friends during the visit).

Anyway...brother 2 is having a get together at his house on July 8th.  His son and grandson will be in for a short visit and all the family, including my niece and her kids, have been invited up.  I had hoped my niece would go because she's an only child and has estranged herself.  In fact, my parents have not even met her little girl (2) despite stopping by to do exactly that when she was newborn (lame excuse given and wouldn't even allow her Dad to bring the baby out so they could see her).  The drama regarding the estrangement is all a bunch of manufactured drama and a life long diet of her Mom telling her the rest of us look down on them.

I emailed her to see if she was going up on the 8th, but she said her ex has her oldest that day and was hoping they all could come up on the next day to visit at my Mom's.  First and foremost, I'm more concerned about how much the outing on Saturday will take out of my Dad.  He's not doing so well and needs a lot of assistance on a daily basis in the house.  The outing to my brother's, including an hours drive each way, is not something he bounces back from like before.  Second, she's pissed off my Mom royally in the past - which my Mom will get over (being armed with a cute great grandchild or two helps), but the reason for not going to the original get together is sketchy.  Her ex would be agreeable to a change (we've known him for years) in the visitation.

If I ok the visit on Sunday, I'm thinking there is a reasonable chance that something will come up at the last minute so she'll be a no-show.  If I ask my Mom, she'll say yes but mostly for my sake. 

The other alternative is we find another convenient time and I go down to see her and the kids.

Shit.  It's a no win either way.  If you ask her to ask the ex to accommodate the 8th, you're Auntie Pushy Who's Never on Her Side and btw Mom Was Right.  If you ask your parents to do the 9th and she doesn't come, you'll feel like crap at the impression that you put them through it for nothing.   Of course, the upside/tiggerlike alternative is she could actually show up on the 9th.   If you ask her how likely/sure she is to come would that scare her off?  How bout if she suspects that her grandparents will be there?  What would she say if you said baby look, I would love to see you guys, I know Uncles 2 and 3 would love to as well but especially the grands.  You don't have to make this your primary concern but Dad doesn't have a second day's trip in him.....is there any way at all possible you could talk to (ex) and come up on the 8th....since, you know, you're coming up the next day anyway?   

[riley702]

Delurker, brother #3 sounds like a winner! I'm being totally serious.

Edited June 29, 2017 by riley702
fat-fingered typing

[DeLurker]

He's pretty great.  He was constantly finding new and creative ways to wreak havoc as a kid and Mom swore she barely survived his teens & early 20s...some kind of beauty in that.

[methodwriter85]

Okay, so this is going to be a long one...

I'm in my early 30's and I live with my mother in her house. (Useless liberal arts degree, plus working in a minimum wage job= still living with your parents in your 30's. It's fine with my mom as long as I'm paying all the utilities and the t.v.) I have 3 sisters, ranging from mid-30's to early 40's. Sisters 1 and 2 live in the state, Sister 3 lives out in California with her daughter and boyfriend. Sister 3 lived with me and my mother (as well as her daughter) until summer 2013. She now visits about 1 to 2 times a year. Her next visit is going to be in a little over a week.

I'm thrilled to see to my niece, but Sister 3 bugs the shit out of me. She basically left almost all of her crap at the house- we're talking enough to fill a basement, the garage, and the master bedroom of our house, which my mom left her have when she was living here with her daughter. She's had 4 years to move her stuff out but each time she comes back she just goes out and hangs out with people and doesn't pack anything up, yet we (me, my mother, and the 2 other sisters) get bitched at by her if we try to move anything. We have a basement filled with toys and baby clothes for her nearly 11-year old daughter, who left them here when she was 7. It's just ridiculous- she's a classic pack rat/hoarder, which means we have dumb shit in this house like her 1990's teen fashion choices and three of her old computers.

She also feels compelled to comment on my situation as a college-degree having guy stuck in a minimum wage job (I've been there for 2 years) and can't go through a visit without telling me how much I need a "real" job and giving unsolicited career advice. (This is someone who never finished college and has basically worked as a receptionist instead of having any kind of real career, and she's depending on her boyfriend to support her and her daughter.) She'll ask me about what job applications I've put in, etc etc. I'm not looking for another job just yet, but she won't stop pushing about it when I'm around her.

My mom drives a car she left here four years ago that my sister insisted that she pay her $1,000 dollars for. My mom finally did it when she got an insurance settlement a few weeks ago, because back in January/February my mother got in an accident where she hit the railing and dented in the passenger side door of the car. (I drive a car my mom got for cheap that she didn't like because it has roll down windows and the seats are too low for her.) My mom says she did it simply because she didn't want to listen to my sister constantly bitch about what happened to the car, because she's tired of it. I think we all are, but man it's just getting pathetic at this point.

I think my mom is letting my sister keep her stuff here because she's hopeful that she's going to move back here, but it's never going to happen. The only reason why my sister has left her crap here is that she's a hoarder and nobody else is going to let her keep her crap here. She also doesn't want to have to change to a California license.

I think my mom's hitting the end of her patience with this- we've started slowly getting rid of stuff.

Anyway, it's just getting "ugh" with this. The last visit, she was almost nice the whole way through- until we were on a car ride and she started in again on me about how I need to look for a better job. Oh, and this gem- that because "I'm not putting any money into a car", I should ride a bike. My response was, "I was saving up for a car until my savings got knocked out because I was helping Mom through her car accident back in December" and "I'm not getting a bike because this is one of the most dangerous areas for riding a bike." For real, my area has a high level of pedestrian fatalities as its typical suburban sprawl hell.

I've also paid for the insurance and repairs on any car of my mother's that I've used, so yeah. Her attitude towards me just pisses me off.

Edited July 3, 2017 by methodwriter85

[auntlada]

How are you not putting any money into a car? Is that because you aren't paying off a car loan? You buy gas, right? That's money. It goes into the car.

I'd box up some of your sister's stuff, wait until the end of her visit (to cut down on carping if possible) and tell her if she doesn't take it with her, you are selling or donating it.

[BookWoman56]

@methodwriter85, is there any way you can simply tell your sister that her stuff is taking up too much room in the house, and is a fire hazard? I'm guessing with that much stuff in the basement, master bedroom, and garage, if there were a fire, it would spread ridiculously fast given all the stuff packed into those rooms. It's your mom's house, and by all rights, she should be the one using the master bedroom instead of having it be unusable by anyone because it's been turned into a storage unit.  I'm not sure what moral qualms you might have, but I would not hesitate to tell her that she's had 4 years to get her crap out of the house and if she doesn't do it this trip, it's all going to get tossed. You and your mom have been turned into hoarders by proxy because of your sister. I don't know exactly how full those rooms are, but you need to be aware that some homeowners insurance companies will cancel policies if they determine that hoarding is going on in the house. It's also possible that they would refuse to pay a claim for a fire because your sister's stuff created an unsafe environment.  You may need to do some research on the consequences of having all that crap stored in the house.  Maybe if you do, and discuss it with your mom, that might the final straw that persuades her to tell your sister to either pack up her stuff or it will be thrown away.  Your sister has turned your mom's home into her own free personal storage space, and that's not something you or your mom should have to tolerate.