Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[zoomama]

going to check the weather channel right now...

[Marigold]

Stay safe. 

[Arwen Evenstar]

3 hours ago, Sew Sumi said:

Houston can't catch a break. Stay safely inside, Arwen. It sounds like this could shut down the city for a few days.

It floods practically every time it rains here it seems.  This is unprecedented flooding for 300 miles east to west and southwest to northeast. An estimated 8 million folks in Texas alone are being impacted by this storm. Could you imagine the crazy ? f everyone tried to evacuate? Only coastal residents have been encouraged/tod to evacuate.

Thoughts and prayers that things won't be as bad as expected.

[MargeGunderson]

Good luck to everyone in the storm's path. I hope you're safe and it's not as bad as predicted.

In random news, today is my cat's 21st birthday. I have a picture of her with little cat toys shaped like wine bottles.

[Sew Sumi]

Shit, Harvey's now a Cat4. At least it seems to be moving to a rather unpopulated area for landfall. #silverlining

They're still predicting shit tons of rain though as this thing may turn around and move back out over water, making a second landfall. Fuck. 

[GeeGolly]

Please be safe all and heed any warnings. Better to take precautions that in the end are unnecessary than to be caught unprepared.  

[Sew Sumi]

Arwen and anyone else in Harvey's path, my thoughts are with you. I hope you're stocked up on milk, bread, TP, and wine. :D (sorry, couldn't resist that old saw) 

[lookeyloo]

@Arwen Evenstar - hoping you make it through okay.  We moved away from South Louisiana and lots of my friends are worried, especially the ones who flooded a year ago.  It will be worse where you are, so please keep us posted if you can.

[bigskygirl]

Funny how some parts of the country are worrying about too much rain, and in Montana we are going to need some good snow storms to completely knock out some our biggest wildfires. The state is going broke because it cost 1.5 millions dollars a day to fight fires, and people are being told you may need to get the heck out of your area because the fires are expected to keep growing until we get some decent snow storms in the next few months.

And on another note...I saw the dentist yesterday afternoon. I might still get a mouth appliance for the sleep apnea and tmj arthralgia. He said the appliance could help with both. I wore a weird mouth piece for fifteen minutes before they took x-rays because I have a small mouth. It did hurt a little, but it was nothing like it was last year when I had x-rays taken. I also found out I have periodontal disease and probably will need teeth cleanings every three to four months. *yippee* I was not told this last year when I went to another dentist. The last cleaning I had was year ago, and I did not receive a phone call or postcard reminding me I needed another cleaning. I do like the dentist and his staff. He is very nice and understanding when I told him my fears and all the problems I have been dealing with for the last few years. His wife is my eye doctor, and she told me she wears a mouth appliance at night because she grinds her teeth. She did not believe it when she was told her teeth grinding was causing headaches until she started wearing her appliance. She is feeling better and sleeping better, so there is hope for me. Oh the joys of getting older!!! Of course, the fun task of finding money for the appliance will be the fun part since the blasted Medicaid will so no to paying for it. You think with problems the CPAP mask is causing my eyes they would jump at the chance to help me. Of course this is the same insurance plan which would pay around $500.00 for prescription eye drops which did not help me at all, and the ironic thing is the cost for me to get new glasses with digital progressive lenses is cheaper than the eye drops. Go figure!

[crazycatlady58]

Bigskygirl , sending  you good thoughts ,  I hope you can get your  appliance .  I live north  of Houston , we are expecting  to get 20 or more  inches   of rain but I will not find out till tomorrow  if I have  to open  the store. I do not think  a lot of people  will do much casual  shopping this weekend . 

[bythelake]

Today was a bittersweet day for our family. My two grandchildren left for college. She is starting her soph. year, and he is a freshman. Some would say that it's not such a big deal, but it was for us. My son became a single parent 6 yrs ago when his then wife decided she no longer wanted to be a wife and mother and walked out leaving him and the children. He was awarded full custody of the children by the court.  I moved in "temporarily" with them because the children  still needed supervision while he was at work. I sat through 4 yrs of  track meets and baseball games, sports dinners and awards ceremonies. Sometimes it wasn't easy, they were extremely traumatized by their mother's actions and required lots of therapy. We've had lots of laughter and lots of tears.  In the end they have done so well and this is the beginning of a new chapter in their lives.. Of course my moving in temporarily has lasted the past 6 yrs. and tonight for the first time the house seems so quiet. I miss them already but am resisting the urge to smother them with texts. I've heard the saying is that you raise your children to leave you, and hopefully we have given them the tools to succeed.  (unlike the Duggars)

And for all of you in the path of the hurricane, stay safe. 

[Scarlett45]

4 hours ago, MargeGunderson said:

Good luck to everyone in the storm's path. I hope you're safe and it's not as bad as predicted.

In random news, today is my cat's 21st birthday. I have a picture of her with little cat toys shaped like wine bottles.

Happy Birthday to your kitty!

 

thinking of everyone in the path of Harvey. 

[Arwen Evenstar]

2 hours ago, Sew Sumi said:

Arwen and anyone else in Harvey's path, my thoughts are with you. I hope you're stocked up on milk, bread, TP, and wine. :D (sorry, couldn't resist that old saw) 

Got plenty of food, kitty litter, and bum fodder for da bum! Yes, even wine, even though I have to abstain from it as it doesn't really mix with my pain management.

[crazycatlady58]

Same here.

[Sew Sumi]

1 hour ago, Arwen Evenstar said:

Got plenty of food, kitty litter, and bum fodder for da bum! Yes, even wine, even though I have to abstain from it as it doesn't really mix with my pain management.

Oh hell, I forgot about mixing meds. Water? I hope potable water doesn't become an issue in HTown. That would be even worse that Katrina, just based on population. 

[Arwen Evenstar]

Recommendation per the American Red Cross is one gallon of water per person per day. We bought about 15 gallons. 

[Sew Sumi]

We have earthquakes here. Storing stuff is a crapshoot. I live about a mile from a major fault line that's due to blow at any time. I live in a soft-story building...right above a carport and laundry room. We're pretty much dead if we're at home. So much for the water (we have no place to store 15 gallons). 

Oh well, our weather is finally getting out of summer gloom and going to be in the lower 80's for a few days. YAY SUMMER IS HERE! 

[crazycatlady58]

How is everyone  in the Houston  area? I have to open the store, I do not think anyone  will come in. We ( in Humble  ) have not had a lot of rain but I am a little  worried  about going home tonight after it rains all day.

[zoomama]

houston folks, check in when you can.  it sure doesnt look or sound pretty this morning.

crazycatlady58, that is nuts! i would question that decision to open. 

[Marigold]

Weather is so weird. We are having a gorgeous day here and you turn on the TV to see others suffering with a brutal hurricane. 

I'm still fighting with my insurance company over damage from Super Storm Sandy.  I'm not in good hands with Allstate. 

Praying for you guys in the storm. 

[Mrs. P.]

I'm about 20 miles south of Houston. 9 inches of rain so far. Lots of people have lost power, but we still have ours, thankfully. Just waiting and watching to see what Harvey does in the next couple of days. Some are predicting that it's going to swing back around into the Gulf and make a 2nd landfall close to Houston. That would be a disaster, so we're hoping it just peters out as it moves inland.

I appreciate all the good thoughts. I don't post much, but I read this thread every day and always chuckle at the insights you guys have. 

[crazycatlady58]

56 minutes ago, zoomama said:

houston folks, check in when you can.  it sure doesnt look or sound pretty this morning.

crazycatlady58, that is nuts! i would question that decision to open. 

Can't really question it, to be honest I am not in danger unless you can die from terminal tiredness. I am a little concerned about getting an uber ride home though. I may have to walk. That is not as bad as it sounds I just live 1/2 a mile from work I would just get wet. We have no strong winds are anything. I will check in with my D.M. at noon. As it stands now I am the only one in the center open. If I can get the police to say the roads May flood I should be able to leave early.

4 minutes ago, crazycatlady58 said:

Can't really question it, to be honest I am not in danger unless you can die from terminal boardness. I am a little concerned about getting an uber ride home though. I may have to walk. That is not as bad as it sounds I just live 1/2 a mile from work I would just get wet. We have no strong winds are anything. I will check in with my D.M. at noon. As it stands now I am the only one in the center open. If I can get the police to say the roads May flood I should be able to leave early.

[bythelake]

Thinking of all you Texans in Harvey's path. Stay safe.  

[Arwen Evenstar]

Haven't had much rain yet in my neck of the woods in HTown, but that looks like it is going to get worse later.  We've had a nice little lull for at least the past couple of hours.  

Its weakened to a tropical storm and is currently not expected to go back into the gulf. but it's still expected to stick around for 4 to 5 days.

Please pray for the Texans impacted.by the storm, particularly  for the city of Rockport.  These folks took a direct hit at category 4.  Many neighboring towns have also suffered heavy property losses and loss of services that may not be restored for weeks.  This event is far from over.

[Love2dance]

Sending caring thoughts for all of you in Texas. The pictures we are now getting from a few of the worst hit cities are devastating. Stay safe, Small Talk friends.

[CalicoKitty]

18 hours ago, Sew Sumi said:

We have earthquakes here. Storing stuff is a crapshoot. I live about a mile from a major fault line that's due to blow at any time. I live in a soft-story building...right above a carport and laundry room. We're pretty much dead if we're at home. So much for the water (we have no place to store 15 gallons). 

Oh well, our weather is finally getting out of summer gloom and going to be in the lower 80's for a few days. YAY SUMMER IS HERE! 

Sew, Just drive down the valley a bit--it is supposed to be 102 today!  I'll trade ya.

[Sew Sumi]

Nope. It's absolutely perfect today. Nowhere near 102! ?

[Marigold]

Since this is anonymous, I need to tell someone that I had a huge fight with my LDS church and called them a bunch of polygamist cock suckers. In a group chat. 

[ChiCricket]

1 hour ago, Marigold said:

Since this is anonymous, I need to tell someone that I had a huge fight with my LDS church and called them a bunch of polygamist cock suckers. In a group chat. 

I'm going to hell in a handbasket because this made me laugh SO hard!

(Sorry for whatever they did to make you so upset though) :/

Edited August 27, 2017 by ChiCricket
.

[wilsie]

@Marigold.  I have read so many of your comments and you are usually the voice of reason.  I can't imagine what was said in your group chat to push you so far.  I hope you can find peace with whatever the fallout is.  I think you are a remarkable and thoughtful person.  And I laughed too because it was unexpected.

[doodlebug]

34 minutes ago, Marigold said:

Since this is anonymous, I need to tell someone that I had a huge fight with my LDS church and called them a bunch of polygamist cock suckers. In a group chat. 

Sometimes ya just gotta say, 'What the f***!'.  Whatever happens, I hope it is the outcome you want.

[Marigold]

40 minutes ago, wilsie said:

@Marigold.  I have read so many of your comments and you are usually the voice of reason.  I can't imagine what was said in your group chat to push you so far.  I hope you can find peace with whatever the fallout is.  I think you are a remarkable and thoughtful person.  And I laughed too because it was unexpected.

Honestly, it was nothing in particular. Just a build up of a lot of things that i have been annoyed about for about 18 months.   I'm in the greater NYC area and the local LDS are all really cool people.  We got flooded by Utah and Idaho LDS.  I think that shifted the entire church in a direction I don't like.  So there was conflict between the Idaho, Utah and local LDS.            It's like a bad Big Love plot! 

 POP! I exploded. In a church group chat.  I feel badly but oh well. Maybe it was meant to be?  

So yeah, I changed my phone number and we won't be back to that LDS church or any LDS church. 

[crazycatlady58]

29 minutes ago, Marigold said:

Honestly, it was nothing in particular. Just a build up of a lot of things that i have been annoyed about for about 18 months.   I'm in the greater NYC area and the local LDS are all really cool people.  We got flooded by Utah and Idaho LDS.  I think that shifted the entire church in a direction I don't like.  So there was conflict between the Idaho, Utah and local LDS.            It's like a bad Big Love plot! 

 POP! I exploded. In a church group chat.  I feel badly but oh well. Maybe it was meant to be?  

So yeah, I changed my phone number and we won't be back to that LDS church or any LDS church. 

I am sorry about that. Even when needed it is hard to change Churches. Hopefully what you said shocked them into rethinking the direction they are going.

[wilsie]

Quote

Honestly, it was nothing in particular. Just a build up of a lot of things that i have been annoyed about for about 18 months.   I'm in the greater NYC area and the local LDS are all really cool people.  We got flooded by Utah and Idaho LDS.  I think that shifted the entire church in a direction I don't like.  So there was conflict between the Idaho, Utah and local LDS.            It's like a bad Big Love plot! 

 POP! I exploded. In a church group chat.  I feel badly but oh well. Maybe it was meant to be?  

So yeah, I changed my phone number and we won't be back to that LDS church or any LDS church. 

Sometimes you just reach your limit and 18 months is a long time to be annoyed.   And like crazycatlady said, you might have shocked them into rethinking their direction.   I hope you find some place that meets where you and your family are in your lives now.

[Marigold]

Yep. I made quite a mess for my kids.  oh well.  too late now! 

[Love2dance]

5 hours ago, Marigold said:

Since this is anonymous, I need to tell someone that I had a huge fight with my LDS church and called them a bunch of polygamist cock suckers. In a group chat. 

Sending you a hug. I think you need it! Hope it works out for you and your family.

[Arwen Evenstar]

@Marigold good for you for speaking your truth and telling these people off. Sorry you've got to go looking for another church home now, but hopefully you.l find one that better suits you and your family.  

Sending you a hug. Sometimes we have to lose our shit to get our point across.

[MORGANH]

Help. My husband and my teen are fighting. She's a good girl and he's a loose cannon. I feel so helpess and broken for her. He wants total respect without understanding what bothers her or who she is. It's late here and not the time to do it. I feel like he is taken total advantage of her exhaustion. I've made it clear that they need to talk it out and air their differences. She is a dream child and just an introvert. She is aftraid of approaching him. Many of factors. We are physically safe and I am aware of what is spoken

[MORGANH]

Continued-sorry because  I had to go. He had picked her up from my mom's house and they were sitting inside the car for a long time when they got home. I could tell she was getting a lecture. He has been angry at her because he feels she doesn't talk to him enough. In actuality, she is afraid of him because she doesn't know what type of reaction she will get so she tries to stay out of his way.

Backstory is he had very little to no involvement in raising her. He would rather work, watch news, drink and hang out with his friends in the evening. So since she was about 5 til now 15 , it was just her and I, helping with homework, getting her ready for bed and being involved with friends and school.  I worked full time, would come home and feed her.  My dad used to pick her up at school and my parents would keep her while I was at work.  My dad would bring her home and then it was shower, review homework and catch up with friend issues while Mr. One would check in , say hi and then say he was going to go up to see the guys to watch news and have a few. It would be a relief when he was gone.  He works from home so it was time for him to get out.

It was similar before I worked when she was a toddler because he worked nonstop in another part of the house. He didn't have to, he just felt like it. She just told me she has no memories of him as a child.

Now she is 15. I lost my Dad last year, my best friend. Mr. One picks her up from school and is angry that there is no instant relationship. She really doesn't know how to talk to him. He expects the same level of communication that she and I have. I've suggested activities but he feels that she should respect him and talk to him about everything. She is a true introvert. Kind , caring and good to her friends. No drugs, drinking or sneaking out. She's also comfortable telling me everything because she know that's ok-she won't get in trouble for telling the truth.

I've tried telling him to have a calm conversation with her to ask her what is wrong. Well tonight he decided to scream at an exhausted girl and ask tell her she was rude to him. That was his version of beginning a conversation.   She was so shocked she could only say a few things ( she does have a list) and couldn't continue. He took it as he got through and now they have a new beginning.  She went to her room. He told me his side of the story and asked me to check on her. She was hysterical but did agree to finish the list, just not tomorrow.  I've heard him say many times  " Why can't you be more like XXX) because they seem outgoing. My daughter is. Dry shy around new peopl. Tonight she told him "You don't like me for who so am". He told her she was wrong.  I couldn't ask for a better child.

So I told him she had more to say, just when he was calmer. He was surprised. That's the way he works. Wait until he blows up.   Now 2 hrs later he feels bad about screaming his annoyance. And he wonders why she avoids him.

Now that he has begun an attempt at "parenting"15 years in, it feels kind of late. I warned him years ago to get involved and his answer always was "when you have something  to do come get me"

He and his side of the family have this sense of entitlement. It's just rough all around.

Please forgive the way too long post. I needed someone to tell.

I've also made it clear to both that they can't put me in the middle . They both need to talk.

[crazycatlady58]

Sorry your  family  is going through  this. I am glad you are safe .  Maybe  she could write him a letter, give it to him at a time she would  be away from the house. That would  give him time to read  it,get angry , calm down and then maybe  they could  talk, or even  just do the conversation  in letters. It gives them both " space" to communicate  .

[GeeGolly]

I know its hard to get a true picture through a post, but it sounds like your husband is emotionally abusing your daughter. I'd ask him to leave and maybe have he and your daughter do counseling together to try and establish a relationship. I'm hoping I'm wrong and things are mostly okay @OneMoreStop.

[lookeyloo]

@OneMoreStop - that sounds pretty awful. Remember that there are free crisis lines which are anonymous. Also counseling would benefit you and your family. I feel like you will say he won't go. Of course. But you can go and so can your daughter. A famous psychologist once said "the only person's behavior you can change is your own". You can't change him.  Brick wall etc. until and unless he is ready. Start by calling a counselor for yourself.  Wishing you peace  

[MORGANH]

Thank you for the advice. Yes. He used to emotionally abuse me and did since the day after I married him.  He was wonderful for years before.  I've been getting counseling but under the mantle of "grief and loss" for my Dad. I also saw others, Reiki, conveniental doctors to learn to deal with the stress of loss and suddenly become sole caregiver of my mom overnight . I have a sibling who had/has no interest in helping. I tell you this because all of this therapy has made me stronger. I'm ready to leave and have been for years but I no longer accept the abuse. He actually said "I don't like this new person that you have become " . And I've said " What, assertive? You prefer a doormat?" He was speechless. His only comeback was " well, you've gotten angry a few times", and  I said " yes, that's a normal part of the grieving process. Look it up."  He blames the Reiki for this, mostly because he doesn't understand.  I've done a ton of reading thanks to my therapist and I also had him pegged as an emotional abuser with narcissistic tendencies. Il know the signs , I was raised by one.

The anger with my daughter is brand new.  I guess since he sensed I no longer cared or was bothered by his words, he moved on to her. We are prepared to leave and have go  bags packed and waiting at my mom's house. 2 hrs after yelling last night, when my daughter was asleep, he felt bad and was sorry. Typical. She's tough though. She's going to go to my mom's every day after school to "keep my mom " company ". The thing with him is-he's all bark. My daughter rather ignore him. I work in a state where I have many friends and I work with close ties to the family court system.  I've spoken with lawyers.  Yes, she may testify as a teenager and specify who she wants to live with but unless we can prove physical abuse or abandonment, he'd still get some kind of custody and my daughter said no way.   I'll wait it out was her response . She and I knew the "talk was coming" because he's been angry over the summer but he waited until she was disadvantaged.

Yes he needs therapy. He knows he has anger issues. My therapist said her guess  was that he'd walk out because he wouldn't like what he was hearing. I agree. I show my daughter the books and she is amazed that it describes him. We talk often. She knows she is loved. She also looks forward to not having to tip toe around him. I guess it would be appropriate to add that he is a functional alcoholic and has been for years. It just took me a while to figure it out.

I am so glad for this forum. I needed to tell someone last night that my heart was breaking for her because I knew he wanted to ask her why she avoided him. I just never though he would choose a time when she was exhausted and wasn't ready. To me that isn't a parent , that's an abuser. So there is my abuser. To the outside world, he is the most wonderful guy you'd ever ever meet.  So there is my problem. We leave now and risk her being with him up to 4 days a week alone or artfully getting around his nonsense/ eventual anger abuse and bail for good in 2 to 2 1/2 years.  

Now he'll be in his pleasant cycle after last night.  That's just how it goes.

Thanks again for listening. We have a plan. If it takes 2 years and we use the right words, he feels placated. In the meantime, I get reallly really ready. I had a small support team of really powerful people on my side to who are aware of who the real Mr One is. They see through it.

Thank you all for giving me a place to share my thoughts and know someone cares. It really means everything to me.

[doodlebug]

You may think your husband is 'all bark', but his words have bite to them.  He is verbally abusive and that can be every bit as damaging as physical abuse.  You don't deserve that, your daughter doesn't deserve that.  You say you grew up in an abusive household and then you married an abuser. I'll bet your husband was subjected to abuse growing up.  Help your daughter break that cycle.  Please seek counseling for you and your daughter and consider leaving with her if it is safe for you to do so.

I'm praying hard for you and your family.

[EVS]

I'm adding my prayers for your safety and for your physical and emotional well-being also. 

Edited August 27, 2017 by EVS

[AUgirl]

Good Luck. My 2 who are 17 and 13 are dealing with their dad trying to come back into their (and mine to an extent) lives after leaving 7 years ago and remarrying. Now she has moved on and he realizes he basically missed most of their growing up. 

Its a fine line. I want him to have a relationship with them but at the same time he's the one who chose wife #2 over his kids and I understand why they don't trust him or really care if he's around.

[bythelake]

@OneMoreStop Emotional abuse is more insidious than physical abuse. It sneaks up on you before you even realize that it's happening. Very often it will lead to physical abuse. It sounds like your daughter doesn't want you to stay and she doesn't want to stay. Before you leave I would  hire one of those lawyers to whom you have spoken. Document everything. Make sure that everything is done legally and that nothing you do will come back to bite you.

 We have been there. In a divorce where a child is involved, be prepared to undergo court ordered psychiatric exams for you, your husband and your child.  Before my son was granted full custody he, the children his ex and I ( since I was a caregiver) all had to submit to an exam. Apparently, my grands were very open with the psychiatrist.  This was a crucial factor. The court may listen to your daughter's testimony but may chalk it up to teenage angst. You cannot do this without professional help.

[frenchtoast]

@Marigold, I'll admit I laughed at your response. It says to me that they must have done so much to get you to that point. I'm sorry that you had to deal with that but hope you land in a good place, too. 

[crazycatlady58]

Quote

Marigold  sending you and your daughter  a big hug. I wish I could  offer you sanctuary .  Be safe and wise.

Arwen  how are you? Any high water?

[GeeGolly]

I remember last time, a few months ago, one of the Small Talk posters was really bold. Anyone remember who it was?