the-grey-lady

What a terrifying sales pitch. I may never sleep again.

What will I do to try to stop her from yapping so much? I haven't decided yet.

We are also sick of all talk and no action from you, Mariah. SO MUCH TALKING.

I want to eat with all y'all. I'm getting hungry.

What a wasted hour and a half in this den of delusion, with only Charly as the dimmest light. I thought for sure Teretha's husband was going to fall over dead when she was working him like a mule. I laughed mirthlessly when Teretha, sitting alone in a bed, insisted she was "too busy" to attend therapy appointments. And Charity, trying mightily to manipulate her poor daughter while enjoying a vodka cran over breakfast? Oy.

Oh, maaaan, I can't decide which of the USA clowns I hated the most this episode. The contenders: Stephanie, who, upon hearing about Erika's deep hurt, whined, "But what about meeeeee?" at the first available opportunity. (And WTF was up with her yelling and BREAKING SOMETHING and then whining, "I didn't realize I was yelling!" Bitch, everyone in Australia knew you were yelling.) Ed, who, when confronted with the fact that he'd directly lied to his potential fiancee about a decision that would affect both of their lives FOREVER, stormed off in a huff as if he was the wronged one. (Bonus points for Rose's response to Ed's whining about "So you think I'm a bad person?" "Yep.") Geoffrey, who spent his last hour in Russia trying mightily to gaslight Varya into accepting a marriage proposal she clearly wasn't ready for. (Personal note to Geoffrey: your initial instinct to never date again was spot on; thanks, on behalf of women everywhere.) David, who wasted the PI's time AGAIN with ANOTHER ONE of his tantrums. (David: "You don't know Lana!" Me: "No one does.") Ash, who apparently invented out of whole cloth a lie that his son's mother was totes cool with him MOVING WITH HER SON across a couple continents. These people are the fucking worst. I can't even. My gob is smacked.

Those two bozos wrote a SECOND book about love? Like the first one wasn't pinheaded enough. Man, if six years means you have a lifetime of wisdom, Mr. Grey and I (coming up on TWELVE years married!) should host some kind of seminar, and charge at least $200 admittance fees. Can't give away that kind of enduring wisdom for cheap.

When Caesar explained to producers how he'd mysteriously lost the pictures from his "meeting" with George Glass...er, I mean "Maria," I almost choked on my ice cream cone. Sure, Jan. And then his "date" with the talking Real Doll...his romantic scene with the candles, whipped cream, and plastic lawn chair...I think I'm dead.

Um...isn't the point of makeup to make yourself look more attractive? So I would assume that makeup "models" would post attractive pictures of themselves? Unless the embalmed look is a hot new makeup trend? Carry on.

Why did David ever bother hiring a PI in the first place? David: What did you find out about Lana? How much does she love me? Eleventy-billion? PI: We didn't find her, exactly. Your "Lana" pictures are all over the Internet. David: Nope. PI: Seriously, dude. "Lana" is on five dozen dating sites. David: No. Not true. PI: Erm, this is a really common scam in Russia. David: YOU DON'T KNOW LANA LIKE I DO. SHE SENDS ME HEART EMOJIS. PI: I'm out. Best of luck, homeslice.

Ash's "seminar" had me rolling. What a bunch of mansplaining bullshit, and he wasn't even prepared to give his godawful speech. I wanted to punch him right in his bulgy eyes. Seminar hostage: But I've been in a relationship with someone who was a lot like me. We were both balanced, and we had lots of sexual chemistry. Ash: No. What a charmer, that Ash. ***************************************** David: What red flags did I miss? Me [thousand yard stare]

Wow, "prayer is not preparation for the work, it is the work." Nathan is a silver-tongued devil. I bet he has to fight the women off with a stick.

Wait. THAT was the series finale? Andre decides not to run away, Jamal continues to not exist, Hakeem remains married to someone he met last week, and Cookie realizes she loves Lucious...AGAIN? Are we just supposed to forget that Cookie was supposed to explode (literally)? That's all we get after six years?

I think Chad is dating a different Annalise. (Thank heavens.)

David's unmitigated glee over "Lana's" two-sentence chat message -- which focused entirely on him getting her an American visa -- would've made me sad, if I hadn't been laughing so hard. And is Yolanda an 11-year-old girl? "Um, Mom, I don't think he's a real person..." "But I LOVE him!" Since when does the latter cancel out the former?

I'm so tired of their "what do monogamists dooooooo?" speculation, as if the concept of two people -- and two people only -- in a marriage is such a foreign concept they can barely wrap their minds around it. I can only speak as one monogamous woman, but I can tell you what I don't do: I don't live in fear of encountering my husband's other "wives" when I take my trash to the curb. So there's that.

I can't imagine what these bozos have left to film. What did we see in season 11? Moving, Prairie Plague Pass, a couple PowerPoint presentations, therapy, the kids doing homework... Yaaaawn.

Peace and hunger pains, LOL. I'd be honored to have you as my sister wife, MFM.

Ed: Is that thunder? Me: No, the gods are bowling. STFU.

Ashley: I'VE BEEN SO NICE TO YOU AND YOU'VE BEEN AN ASSHOLE TO ME. [ten minutes later] Ashley: I wouldn't lie to you, Dr. Now. We're like family now! WTF.

I'm trying to decide which scene in this episode was the most charming. So many contenders: The endless prattling about the state of Maddie's reproductive organs, culminating with a puddle of amniotic fluid in a parking lot and a play-by-play of her birthing position. Kody's astonishment at discovering that he has a son named Gabriel, who's busy growing up and doing teenagey things. Maddie's insistence that she "really values her privacy," which is hard to fathom after Axel's tub birth aired on TV. --------------------------------- OMG. I was so busy being annoyed at this stupid episode that I just realized...we didn't see Meri's sour face for 58 minutes! At least we have that.

Do I really have to admit the answer? In my defense, I had to do something to get through this week's shitshow.

Recapville, Population 1!

I've been happily binging The Good Place all day, so I decided to torpedo my good mood. It's recap time!

I am so hideously tired of Yolanda's bewilderment at "Williams"'s inconsistencies. "Nigerian? Why would his profile say Nigerian?" "Why doesn't he know which airport is near his house?" "Why won't he video chat me?" Me: "Gee, Yolanda, I don't know. It's a damn mystery!"