the-grey-lady

What's a raging bisexual? Like, a really angry bisexual? A sexually-adventurous Godzilla?

Does she get a dollar (or a cheeseburger) every time she uses the word "digestion"?

I love Mr. Grey an awful lot (though not as SEVERELY as JRod loves Shrek, I'm sure), but I don't feel the need to photograph us doing the most mundane things. "Look! Here's us buying a cantaloupe! #mmfruit" "Check out this pic of my HANDSOME MAN mowing the lawn while I do dishes! #manlymandoesmanlythings" "Us setting rat traps in the garage! Ah! Love! #pestcontrolbringsuscloser" "OMG! MY MAN driving to Home Depot! #lovehimsomuch" Shut your pie hole, JRod. No one is jealous of you. Literally no one. I'm sure you got the last dull-eyed, slow-witted printing minister on God's green Earth, and women everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief.

Shrek always looks like an animal caught in a trap. I imagine I'd feel similarly around JRod.

Let's play a game! Which of tonight's couples (none of whom are the slightest bit "happy") is the most ill-suited to one another. Now the contenders: Asuelu, who prefers the Path of Least Resistance at all times, even when his family is shamelessly money-grubbing & Kalani, who mercifully said very little this episode? (Honorable mention to Asuelu's mother, who really seems to think that Asuelu has access to a money-printing machine) Colt, whose mother's eyebrows should require their own passport, and who really, really wants a woman to control his every move & Jess, who thinks throwing shoes is a perfectly valid arguing technique? Paul, He of No Job Ever, who's an embarrassment to his mother & Karine, who's prone to inexplicable funks that cause her to revert to toddlerhood? Elizabeth, who REALLY SAID she's NEVER gotten a sincere apology from Andrei & Andrei, who has, somehow, NEVER given a sincere apology (tonight's episode didn't feature one, either)? Michael, who wants a kind, sweet Nigerian woman of childbearing age, and has, bewilderingly, decided to marry Angela & Angela, who ACTUALLY SAID, WITH A STRAIGHT FACE, that Michael shouldn't raise his voice to her? Larissa, who should not be in this show anymore & Ericee, who never had any reason to be on this show in the first place? Tanya, who married Syngin expecting he'd change to her specifications & Syngin, who really, really enjoys being shit-faced? **************************************** HAHA, JUST KIDDING. The "winners" are obviously Paul & Karine. But the other couples are miserable, too.

Good god, don't give TLC any ideas!

I'm dying to hear Niles Crane snark on JRod's fashion sense.

I simply can't decide which Kreeny/Pole moment was funniest: Pole crawling into a trash bag like a demented python, whining while he roots for a nail clipper. OR Pole looking Kreeny in the eye and swearing up and down that he spends his days "networking" to find a job. Perhaps there's some kind of shit shovelers' union he can join? And on another note, I will pay money -- good money -- if TLC promises never again to show me Michael and his family members expressing utter bewilderment at the possibility that a post-menopausal woman in her 50s might not be able to have more babies.

OMG, watching Brad Womack castigate himself for refusing to pretend to be in love when he wasn't makes me cringe. Brad's "sin" at the end of his first season, was refusing to play along with the fantasy -- that he'd found everlasting love -- even though he knew he hadn't. We all know most of the leads don't find their spouses on this show, but they're supposed to pretend they did until the cameras stop rolling. He refused to lie. What a jackass. Seriously. Apparently producers would've preferred he looked one of two women the eye and proposed dishonestly. What am I saying? Of course they would've preferred that.

I would agree, if they did anything else. Which they won't.

It's almost one o'clock in the morning, on August 8, 2020. I'm alone in my living room. I've just finished a book, and I'm thinking about crawling into bed. Suddenly a thought flashes like lighting in my brain. "IT'S AUGUST. NURIE RODRIGUES IS PROBABLY MARRIED BY NOW." All thoughts of bed forgotten, I log onto Primetimer and settle in for the night. I need...a life? Valium? A good, stuff drink? Plexus and a shanty filled to the brim with dusty tchotchkes?

Boring?! How can you say that? Have you forgotten the Great Rent v. Buy Debate of 2019? The Pointless Plotline of Prairie Dog Pass (and TREES)? Maddie's questionable decision to give birth on camera for a second time? Kody's endless whining about decisions HE made? And...zzzzzz....

For a woman who's DONE so frequently, she sure does spend a lot of time bellowing and screeching on my TV screen.

How many times are we going to be treated to the same conversation between Jenny and one of Sumit's friends/relatives? Sumit's friend/brother/mailman: Sumit's parents are against your relationship. Jenny: But I waaaaaaant them to supooooooort us! SF: They don't. Jenny: We have to maaaaaake them! SF: Um, no? Jenny: I don't think Smee's parents like meeeeee! SF: Yep, I just said that. Jenny: What am I going to doooooooo? Me [loudly, to be heard over the whining]: Find some other catfisher to glom onto?

Oh, man, no one's gonna say it... FINE. Stylish?! One damn sleepy panda t-shirt, and she acts like she's walking the runways of Milan!

Confidential to Michael in Nigeria: when you were strolling through the market with swearing, ranting Angela, I saw several lovely women whom you might consider getting to know, if you ever regain your sanity. From the few moments I saw them on screen, they did not seem prone to puking, screeching, arm-waving tantrums over almost every issue, including but not limited to: women at a table, the existence of women in general, aigs and the toting of, rats and other vermin, cell phone ringtones, and/or cervical biopsies. Just wanted to present you with some less-batshit options. As an aside, the next time Angela shrieks, "We are DONE!" over absolutely-fucking-nothing, please respond, "Okay."

A lot of people were hoping to see Victoria on BiP. A lot of men.

I swear stone-faced Sunhe didn't look remotely happy to be cancer-free. I think some part of her wanted the Illness Card to keep Maxi-Sunhe in line always.

I've watched Angela storm out of the expat meeting in a huff four times now. I still don't know what she was so damn upset about. And I don't understand why she can't go half an hour without shrieking like a banshee caught in a bear trap.

I give my husband the boyhood in Surrey speech at least a couple times a month.

Oh, man, the jokes write themselves. Joyful Belly, my ass. No one with a joyful belly obsesses about digestion as much as Janelle.

I've been doling these episodes out to myself, one a day, and I've almost finished season one. I can't BELIEVE how well this series has captured not only the books I was obsessed with during my childhood, but the early teen years. Holy crap, this show has nailed the end of middle school.

Okay, that's a fair point. Along with Pole's other less-than-charming traits, I would not be surprised to learn that he's a pathological liar. I'm sure he's fed Karine all kinds of bullshit about life in the U.S. Is she naive to believe what he tells her? Certainly, but then I think we knew that, too.

In what universe does that qualify as an article? "Woman posts picture on social media!!!!" Wow, there's a fast-breaking story.

But why does she expect that? How could she possibly expect Paul to provide a great house and be less of a fool? She's met him, hasn't she?