the-grey-lady

When Kody started whining about the responsibilities of owning a dog, I laughed meanly. Like he's ever really worried about responsibilities before making a boneheaded decision before. ETA: The Kody-cam at the beginning was rough. I did not need to become so intimately acquainted with Kody's cro-mangon brow ridge.

I'm really surprised at (and annoyed by) all the "Matt was the perfect person to teach Rachael!" comments. Matt (theoretically) signed up for this show to find a wife, not a student. He was supposed to become her husband, not her college professor. We need to set aside the ridiculous idea that POC are somehow in charge of teaching white people the error of their ways. That's harmful and offensive. Of course Matt would prefer to marry someone who understands what it's like to be black in America. He IS a black man in America.

Just think: TLC probably had hours of the Brown Klowns' home footage to comb through. And they CHOSE to air Kody's "how to use toilet paper" demonstration. I can only imagine the rest of the video.

Amira: I would do anything for Andrew. Me: It's too bad he isn't willing to do anything at all for you. Like waiting awhile longer to get married, so you don't end up fucking detained.

Not to brag or anything, but as a monogamous person, I have never – not once – had to worry about where my husband was showering. Just sayin'. So over the weekend, I saw this old-timey picture of people in a polio ward. They were all in iron lungs. Every damn one of them looked happier than the members of this "fambly."

I burst out laughing with pathetic Stephanie, pigtails swinging, whined, "Now that I'm broken up with Ryan, what am I supposed to do?" Me: "Go home?" But no. Find a semi-fresh dick was the only acceptable answer.

I can only assume he called Whitney approximately two seconds after the second line appeared on the stick.

I can't be the only one who saw those two platters and was hoping desperately that one of them was for Simon.

Kody [on Meri]: Neither of us see real value in the relationship. Kody [on the other wives]: I have three other fulfilling relationships. I loathe Meri, but...is Kody keeping her around just to torture her? All the platitudes in the world about sticking it out because you made a commitment, and marriage is work, and blah blah, none of those mean anything unless you're actually DOING SOMETHING to fix the problem.

Did JillyRod put down her glass o' pink chemicals to lecture US about drinking coffee? Look at your kids, Jill. You don't have any right to lecture ANYONE on nutrition.

I should be embarrassed to admit how long it actually took me to watch the entire episode.

Five so-called adults, and not an interesting one in the bunch. Recap below.

Stephanie's "psychic": If Ryan and Harris were the last two men on Earth, I'd pick Harris. Stephanie: She's saying a lot of positive things about Harris. Me: .......

That "psychic" scene was hilariously bad. Amy: I'm worried about my baby. Is he going to be okay in childbirth? Psychic: Yes! Tammy: I really want to get married. Psychic: I see marriage in your future!

I felt for you when I was watching that first episode. What a slog.

The recap's a-comin' folks! I just...need to maintain consciousness through the entire episode. Please send ice cream. And vodka.

Amy and Tammy go see a WHAAAAT?

I've been reading a lot of media about last night's episode, and how much people loved it...and I'm wondering if we watched the same show. What a bucket o' cliches. And please stop sacrificing character development for the sake of drama. Please?

Now now, Dustbunny. Let's not be unfair here. Meri did say Kody sometimes calls her FOR BUSINESS. You know, just like you see in all the healthiest long-term marriages.

I like to run (jog? okay, walk) on my treadmill while I watch this show. Usually this works out okay. Tonight I heard Kody announce that he'd finally, at long last, figured out that polygamy might be hard on women. I yelled, "And it only took you 28 years!" and almost slid off my treadmill. Blah blah blah. The "wives" miss being a fambly. They don't actually want to DO family things (like living together, or hanging out, or even TEXTING), but they miss...something? That they may or may not have had? It's a good thing Kody doesn't plan to advocate for polygamy anymore. This episode made it seem like a funeral procession through Hell.

Wow, that silver-tongued Stephanie sure knows how to bring the romance: 1. Plan an outdoor dinner directly under a storm cloud. 2. Confront your 27-year-old finance with a prediction YOUR PSYCHIC MADE and then demand said fiance prove the psychic wrong?! 3. With dinner sufficiently ruined, inform the fiance that he "owes you" sex, then pick (another) fight while sighing dramatically in a bedazzled skull shirt. True love, right here, y'all! We've got the prescription!

@laurakaye, have you worked out the recap schedule? You're on deck for "Being Strong or Being a Bitch," and I can't WAIT, and I'd love to do next week's episode, which I just learned is called, LOL, "Robyn the Peacemaker." Can I cover s15e2?

Please tell me that this was Ryan's last appearance on this shitshow. I can't stand to watch Whitney's barnacles snark on him anymore. They do NOT need to have someone around to abuse at all times. Wow, I read the comments before I watched this episode, and I thought for sure Whitney was upset about something besides the birth of...someone else's kid...but... Y'all weren't kidding. That was a narcissistic meltdown of epic proportions. ETA: Watching Whitney's friends tiptoe on eggshells when she found out the baby news reminded me of every abusive relationship I've ever seen. They knew from the beginning that she was going to explode, and they were tapdancing to avoid triggering her. That was painful. Whit: I wasn't ready for a baby! Me: Then it's a good thing you didn't have one!

Annnnnd now I have that damn "song" in my head.

Whitney: It's rude to comment on someone's appearance! Also Whitney: What color are my EYES? I just can't TELL. Compliment me on them!