Amber: A Rill Woman Goes to Gel

[truelovekiss]

What is with Amber and Janelle and being "bored"? They both act like bordeum is some awful medical condition they have to deal with. As if they are the only people on earth that were ever bored, or as if it's a difficult problem to solve. I get bored on the rare occasion too, then I do something and I'm not bored anymore. Jesus Christ! Read a fucking book or something.

I also get bored on occasion! I'm usually not, though, because I am very often at work, school, studying, etc. Because for most people, doing things like working, goijg to school and raising their children take up a majority of their day. Amber isn't raising her child now, and she really didn't do such a great job with that even before she went to prison. Amber also hasn't worked in years, but I'm sure it could be hard for her finding a job with her history. I don't think she ever even pretended like she wanted to go back to school. She got her GED while she was in the big house, and since she's been out, the closest thing to being productive was filming, "writing her book" and doing the tours and appearances that go along with that. Oh, and she found a creepy boyfriend old enough to be her father. Honestly, what could she be doing all day? I would love to try to break down her day.

11:00 AM wake up, get out of bed, stumble down stairs towards couch

11:03 AM trip over Headdie while attempting to drag self to couch.

11:07 AM notice 4 texts from Gary, asking if Amber is picking Boo Boo up from school. And one asking if she has a spare hour this afternoon for some Gary Time.

11:12 AM text yes to picking up Boo Boo, no to Gary Time. Things are currently going well with Matt, but who knows about next week.

11:13 AM sloppily kiss boyfriend while Headdie and the crew watch and ask questions. Get insulted by questions, and get off the couch. Just kidding. Just snarl at MTV crew while Matt gives them a bad attitude.

11:25 AM swoon over boyfriend willing to defend her from evil MTV production. Snuggle on couch.

12:16 PM get in car to go eat/have staged conversation with Matt about their addictions. Alcohol doesn't count.

12:19 PM giggle when gross Matt says something adorable and Bostony. Ignore cameramen gagging.

12:41 PM go to breakfast at favorite diner with gross boyfriend. Feed each other enormous bacon cheeseburgers. Answer Headdie's questions

2:16 PM bitch about how Gary ruined her life, as creepy boyfriend agrees. Make sure to mention how he led her on while she was locked up. Bonus points for fat jokes. Matt chuckles.

3:00 PM pick boo boo up from school, and go to park. Make sure Matt comes, because God forbid Amber spend any one on one time with her daughter that she barely sees.

5:00 PM buy BooBoo ice cream sundae, make sure to spoil her dinner. Gary will be so mad. Feed Matt ice cream. Leah gives stink eye. Ask BooBoo if she should marry Matt. Make everyone uncomfortable

5:37 PM drop Boo Boo off with Gary. If she seems sad about leaving, make sure to let her know it is all her father's fault. Make snide comments about Kristina so BooBoo knows it's not okay to love her stepmom

6:00 PM go to restaurant with Matt and Kousin Krystal. Feed Matt pasta, ignore Krystal's MTV prompted questions. She should just be happy to get a free meal.

7:35 PM say goodbye to Headdie, and wish her luck dealing with Farrah.

7:37 PM stop at liquor store on way home. Buy all the alcohol.

8:21 PM sit on couch with Matt, drink all the alcohol.

9:58 PM Reminisce over what it was like to get high. Settle for being drunk.

1:04 AM drunk text mean things to Gary. Make sure to call him fat, and a cheater.

1:06 AM Pass out.

Feel free to modify. There definitely wasn't enough couch time.

[GreatKazu]

truelovekiss - Nowhere did you insert "take a shower"...Ewww. Amber is one nasty and gross chick.

 

Can you imagine what her day must be like when the MTV crew is not around?

 

Wake up at 2 p.m. instead of 11 a.m.

[truelovekiss]

truelovekiss - Nowhere did you insert "take a shower"...Ewww. Amber is one nasty and gross chick.

Can you imagine what her day must be like when the MTV crew is not around?

Wake up at 2 p.m. instead of 11 a.m.

Whoooops. I missed that :) I know she said that she woke up from her "nap" at 11, so that's where I started the day. I figured she would be extra busy with filming and all!

[GreatKazu]

Oh, forgot to add Amber going to the salon to get her talons painted.

[ghoulina]

Even though she woke up at 11, I would probably add a mid-afternoon nap in there. 

 

And maybe her mom comes over, knocks on the door, Amber has no idea who it is, but shouts "Come in!" anyhow. 

[Tatum]

 I would love to try to break down her day.

Feel free to modify. There definitely wasn't enough couch time.

 

OMG, I laughed so hard. I'm still sitting at my desk giggling to myself, particularly over the text war with the Hairy Fairy. I do think though you gave Amber WAY too much credit. She was off the couch for most of the day, and taking Leah to the park almost counts as exercise. I mean, she'd have to at least walk from the car to the playground, and you know Leah is going to want to be pushed on the swing. I would revise it a couple ways- 1. send Matt out to pick up lunch and bring it home- you know the paparazzi might be in a harassing mood and Amber has way too much stress in her life right now, plus, she's not leaving her couch for TWO meals in one day, and 2. I would argue that Amber brings Matt to the park so he can push Leah on the swings and help her with the monkey bars, because A. he's bonding with her, and B. Amber is far too busy texting Gary reminding him what an awesome mom she is for taking Leah to the park while Gary remains rooted to his chair eating a ham sandwich.

[truelovekiss]

All excellent points! I think getting talons painted definitely should have been part of her day! I also agree there was way too much off-couch time. But she was filming, so it was a busy day!

[Brooklynista]

Well somewhere in her day we have to work in a shouting match with any damn body where she screams

 

"I HAVE ANXIETY!! I'M DONE! I'M DONE"

[GreatKazu]

I am sure some sex fits in her busy day.  She is so lazy, she just gives her back to Matt and tells him to hurry up because she is tired. Oh.My.God. Just the thought skeeves me out.

Edited May 29, 2015 by GreatKazu

[truelovekiss]

I thought about including Ambie's sexytimes in the schedule, but after I finished vomiting, I decided that it was better left unsaid. It's probably just included in her couch time.

[GreatKazu]

That couch is the real star of the show.

[missy jo]

It's the real MVP.

[Brooklynista]

I am sure some sex fits in her busy day.  She is so lazy, she just gives her back to Matt and tells him to hurry up because she is tired. Oh.My.God. Just the thought skeeves me out.

Oh good grief I hate you so much right now. Why? Cause I just remembered that horrible tattoo Amber has of Leah Lorna Doone on her stomach. Can you imagine having that thing starting back at you?

[Maharincess]

What is Headdie?

[GreatKazu]

Oh good grief I hate you so much right now. Why? Cause I just remembered that horrible tattoo Amber has of Leah Lorna Doone on her stomach. Can you imagine having that thing starting back at you?

LOL

 

 

I remembered that tattoo when Amber and Matt were getting all cozy and canoodling in bed in that one episode. I just kept imagining that he was getting off on looking at that tattoo. OH DEAR GOD!! And, as someone else mentioned on the other thread, Leah slept with Amber AND Matt in that nasty-ass bed in that sex fantasy hotel.

 

Maharincess - Headdie is that woman producer who sits on the floor and listens to Amber bitch and gripe.

[NikSac]

Just to add to the Headdie note, I think her actual name is Heather, but they seem to call her Headdie. Sort of how Amber becomes Ambie.

[truelovekiss]

What is Headdie?

Heather the producer. Amber calls her Headdie sometimes, and I think Farrah might too.

Whoops, I just saw this was already answered. Sorry!

Also, on the Headdie note, does anyone else feel like they're trying to hard to make it look like the producers and girls are friends? Like they came up with dumb nicknames, purposefully to show how close they are.

Edited May 30, 2015 by truelovekiss

[NikSac]

Also, on the Headdie note, does anyone else feel like they're trying to hard to make it look like the producers and girls are friends? Like they came up with dumb nicknames, purposefully to show how close they are.

 

Yes!  Especially considering I don't think I've ever heard anyone else call Amber Ambie. Granted I could have missed it. 

 

Is it wrong that I want to see Headdie try some cutesy nickname with Farrah - "Fairy how do you feel about...."?  Just to see Farrah's head explode.

[starfire]

Headdie annoys me. She always sits there with this pained expression on her face, like she sympathizes and relates, while Amber, Farrah or whoever is spewing their BS....but you know she is thinking "these stupid bitches are trainwrecks...if I could only tell them how I really feel!"

[Snarky McSnarky]

If Amber and Heather have MTV nicknames, why doesn't Gary?  The couch needs one too, ala Pee Wee Herman.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMzduCJG6OU

[FozzyBear]

Headdie annoys me. She always sits there with this pained expression on her face, like she sympathizes and relates, while Amber, Farrah or whoever is spewing their BS....but you know she is thinking "these stupid bitches are trainwrecks...if I could only tell them how I really feel!"

Heather comes across as manipulative to me. Which is kind of her job, so fair enough. It's just sad that Amber doesn't seem to see through it, but Amber is stupid. You got to give it up to Farrah, crazy she may be, but at least she realizes Heather is not her friend and is trying to make a TV show, not play Captain Save-A-Ho.

[GreatKazu]

 

If Amber and Heather have MTV nicknames, why doesn't Gary?

Gary the Hairy Fairy, as he is listed on Amber's cell phone.

[ghoulina]

Gary the Hairy Fairy, as he is listed on Amber's cell phone.

 

That's hilarious. 

 

And doesn't he have some listing for her referencing her tarantula eyelashes or Freddy Kruger nails? 

 

I've noticed quite a few people on these shows have weird names like that in their phones. Is this a youth thing? Am I an old fuddy duddy for just using "mom" and my husband's given name, etc?

[MissMel]

Yes. His name for Amber is something about " 6 inch eyelashes".

I'm an old fuddy-duddy, too. But I totally get into this phone name thing. My husband pissed me off a few months ago. We call him by a nickname anyway but damn if he didn't make me mad. Lol. I deleted his nickname and added his proper name. He picked my phone up this weekend and said "I'm still Jeremy? What the hell do I have to do to fix it back?"

"Stop pissing me off. It still has (husband) after the name. Good enough." It's childish but it gives us a good laugh, too.

[truelovekiss]

Well I'm the same age as these girls, and I have everyone saved in my contacts by their given names (aside from "Mom," "Dad," "Grandma," etc) but my dad has his family, friends and work contacts saved by goofy nicknames. To each his own!

[MissMel]

Hey, I have my mother's two phone numbers saved as different contacts. When "Mom in Germany" rings my phone? It's a safe bet she is in Germany. When "mom's cell" rings, she might be standing at the front door. You just never know with her. :)

[AdorkableWitch]

Call me cynical, but I wonder if Amber is aiming for an MTV paid wedding? 

[Brooklynista]

Call me cynical, but I wonder if Amber is aiming for an MTV paid wedding?

Oh please let this happen. If anybody can out trash Leah's camoflague wedding it would be our girl Amber.

[truelovekiss]

Call me cynical, but I wonder if Amber is aiming for an MTV paid wedding?

I know that's what Catelynn and Tyler are hoping for. While I hope Ambie never marries this weirdo, (only because I don't want him around Leah, I couldn't care less about Ambie at this point) it would be funny to see her get the MTV wedding and not Catelynn.

[Tatum]

I know that's what Catelynn and Tyler are hoping for. While I hope Ambie never marries this weirdo, (only because I don't want him around Leah, I couldn't care less about Ambie at this point) it would be funny to see her get the MTV wedding and not Catelynn.

 

well, Amber DOES have a head start only in that her loser boyfriend actually wants to get married.

[Snarky McSnarky]

Oh please let this happen. If anybody can out trash Leah's camoflague wedding it would be our girl Amber.

I'm sort of partial to Kailyn Lowry's "fancy" third trimester wedding with the massive-tattooed-arm-in-sleeveless-dress visuals.  Extra points for posing with poor little Javi underneath the circling sharks at the aquarium.

 

http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/2013/09/25/kailyn-lowry-wedding-photos

[politichick]

Heather comes across as manipulative to me. Which is kind of her job, so fair enough. It's just sad that Amber doesn't seem to see through it, but Amber is stupid. You got to give it up to Farrah, crazy she may be, but at least she realizes Heather is not her friend and is trying to make a TV show, not play Captain Save-A-Ho.

I totally agree, especially since she never offers any advice or tries to make stupid Amber see reason. She gets on my nerves with this school night thing. If she'd kept Leah on the schedule so she wasn't falling asleep on her desk the next day, she'd still get her then. 

[missy jo]

I haven't seen it as manipulative, but that's a good point. I was seeing it more as "How could she possibly like Amber? No one is this good of an actress!" She might be better at it than I thought!

[Maharincess]

That's hilarious.

And doesn't he have some listing for her referencing her tarantula eyelashes or Freddy Kruger nails?

I've noticed quite a few people on these shows have weird names like that in their phones. Is this a youth thing? Am I an old fuddy duddy for just using "mom" and my husband's given name, etc?

My cheating, selfish piece of shit son in law is listed in my phone as "Rat Bastard Weasel".

[cheatincheetos]

5:37 PM drop Boo Boo off with Gary. If she seems sad about leaving, make sure to let her know it is all her father's fault. Make snide comments about Kristina so BooBoo knows it's not okay to love her stepmom

6:00 PM go to restaurant with Matt and Kousin Krystal. Feed Matt pasta, ignore Krystal's MTV prompted questions. She should just be happy to get a free meal.

7:35 PM say goodbye to Headdie, and wish her luck dealing with Farrah.

Feel free to modify. There definitely wasn't enough couch time.

6:05 PM Storm out of restaurant because someone sorta kinda might have glanced in her direction.

6:07 PM Storm back into restaurant because Matt left the hat behind that Tyler gave him at the reunion show "to look more like a teenager".

Edited June 3, 2015 by cheatincheetos

[GreatKazu]

Heather is getting paid way more than these morons on the show, that is how she is able to put up with their shit.

[cheatincheetos]

Heather is getting paid way more than these morons on the show, that is how she is able to put up with their shit.

Makin' bank, and still not allowed on the furniture!

[cheatincheetos]

Yes. His name for Amber is something about " 6 inch eyelashes".

 

And Gary is "2 inch wonder"

[GreatKazu]

Makin' bank, and still not allowed on the furniture!

I wouldn't want to sit on Amber's couch. It's a crime scene!

[cheatincheetos]

I wouldn't want to sit on Amber's couch. It's a crime scene!

Here's my farthest-out theory. Under pressure from MTV to hold down costs for the cast, Heather bought that couch from an insane, cackling person at an estate sale. It is an evil, intelligent entity that needs to drain human life force in order to live on. Cf the house in Bette Davis' final movie "Burnt Offerings". Heather knows that the couch is vampiric and this is why we always see her uncomfortably squatting on the floor rather than sit on the furniture in Ambien's house.

Edited June 5, 2015 by cheatincheetos

[NikSac]

I wouldn't want to sit on Amber's couch. It's a crime scene!

 

Plus did she ever clean it off after her Leah's bathroom incident where she didn't want to tell the teacher so she came home with icky pants?  I mean I guess it matches and all, but yuck.

[truelovekiss]

I wouldn't want to sit on Amber's couch. It's a crime scene!

Who knows how much lovin' has been had on that couch...

[GreatKazu]

Okay y'all. Forget the crime scene. It's a nuclear disaster. Gross!!!

[ghoulina]

Amber will probably have to keep that couch forever. I really don't think there's a safe and sanitary way to dispose of it.

[GreatKazu]

Amber will probably have to keep that couch forever. I really don't think there's a safe and sanitary way to dispose of it.

It would take a hazmat crew to red tag it, haul that shit out, and then they would have to incinerate it at a disposal site far, far from civilization.

[Elizabeth9]

Apparently even JENELLE has a job! And a little one who's not quite a year. Geez Amber...

[GreatKazu]

Apparently even JENELLE has a job! And a little one who's not quite a year. Geez Amber...

Except, I bet Jenelle is smoking pot and drinking.

[Elizabeth9]

Jenelle is still on the hot mess express, given the fact that she and Nathan were basically beating the shit out of each other at a recent custody handoff.

But at least she works and is almost done with school!

[truelovekiss]

It really leads to one of the biggest debates in all of teen mom fandom: who is the BIGGEST screw up? There are so many sides to this coin, it's hard to choose.

[AnythingCanBe]

It really leads to one of the biggest debates in all of teen mom fandom: who is the BIGGEST screw up? There are so many sides to this coin, it's hard to choose.

 

I would say Amber is the worst out of the girls on TM1, but if we're looking at both shows my vote is for Jenelle.  I think she and Amber are about even in many respects (anger, substance abuse, legal trouble, bringing sketchy men around their kids, etc.), but the tiebreaker for me is that Jenelle is the only one out of all eight girls that makes me legitimately question whether she loves her children.