Teen Mom: Lessons I've Learned

[SPLAIN]

I thought I would make this fun topic to make light of the fuckery we watch on this particular franchise. I will make one for the TMOG thread, too. This will be to post all that we have learned from these so-called parents and the people in their lives. Snarky, truthful, whatever floats your boat. Take it away...

 

Lessons I've learned from Kail:

Wear a condom

You don't need to have manners. Just open your front door and let everyone in

Leggings are your friend no matter how big you inflate your ass

You can never take too many selfies while driving

Lessons I've Learned from Chelsea:

There is a thing as too much make-up

If you are going to have something fake, use a hairpiece instead of getting implants

Jenelle:

Keep your lawyer's number on speed dial

commit crimes in South Carolina

Have as many kids as you want. Just make sure to have plenty of wieners on hand and keep Dominos on your contact list

[bethster2000]

Jenelle:

Ke$ha concerts are more important than the outcome of your court case, especially if you had feathers put in your hair just for the show.

With a little effort, you could do parties as a Diane Downs lookalike.

Nathan, David, whatever...you find your true happiness and personal bliss when you're Sittin' On Da Front Porch, Smokin' Reefah Wit Keeeeefah!

[BitterApple]

Ooooh, good idea!

Chelsea: Instagram makeup isn't meant for everyday wear, there is such a thing as too much patriotism (Cole and his flag fetish)

Jenelle: If I'm going to commit a grip of felonies, the Carolinas are the place to do it, anytime kids are around ya've gotta hide the coke!, just because we have ovaries doesn't mean we should breed

Kail: less is more when it comes to plastic surgery, there really are men out there willing to fuck anything that breathes

Leah: nobody ever makes money with MLM's, posting affirmation memes is a great way to fake contentment, WV colleges will accept anyone

[SPLAIN]

Leah

Cheetos is its own food group

You don't need a walker to teach your child to walk. Just put Cheetos all over the house

If you are going to cheat, make sure there are no cameras around

Only $2000 space shuttle washers and dryers can get the wash done

[GreatKazu]

Oh lord, where do I begin? lol 

 

Kail: 

If you are going to have trap babies, choose guys like Jo and Javi who will be there for your children

If you want your kid in private school, go and nag your ex to death about child support instead of you know, paying for that yourself

I've learned that an aquarium is not just for visiting sea life. 

I've learned that one can live for free in other people's homes and then violate the rules they put in place

If you get kicked out of someone's else's home, take their television. 

Leah:

Rehab is not just for drug and alcohol abuse

[configdotsys]

Have not read the others yet so sorry if there are repeats....

Lesson from Kail

Wealth does not equal class.

Lesson from Chelsea

Putting uh at the end of every word makes you sound unintelligent.

Talking in a baby voice outside the presence of just your spouse and/or kids makes you sound like a stupid ass.

Lesson from Jenelle

LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOOOONE!

Lesson from Amber

The meatloaf from Cracker Barrel is da bomb.

Lesson from Leah

Cheetos flavored carpet is marvelous when washed down with Mountain Dew.

[GreatKazu]

Jenelle:

Everyone is named "Dude"

Leah, Kail, and Jenelle all suffer from the same affliction:

"I am so fucking stressed out!!" 

[Christina87]

All four: you can get better quality men than you ever would have been able to bag before if you have a TV show and tons of money!

Leah:

when you lose your keys, go down to the basement and cry instead of looking for them

toddlers are capable of making breakfast

jenelle:

the justice system is not as good as I'd previously thought

anybody who puts themselves on tv can get "fans"

kail:

it is perfectly fine to kick people out of your home to go to starbucks

the pettiest person you've ever met wasn't really that petty after all

chelsea:

as long as you're hot and don't have a record, you can be lazy and unaccomplished as hell and still be considered a "success story"

some guys are attracted to 24/7 baby talk

[bethster2000]

3 hours ago, configdotsys said:

The meatloaf from Cracker Barrel is da bomb.

 

OK, but seriously?  It is.  With a side of their hashbrown casserole, please.  (You can take the girl out of Indiana...)

[HeySandyStrange]

What I learned from all the moms except maybe Chelsea: Whenever you are confronted by your own foolish behavior and choices, deny, deny, deny. Doesn't matter that your stupidity was shown on tv, spread on social media, or even on the deer cam, there is never any reason to take responsibility for being an asshole or for making terrible decisions.  Total innocence is only a "Monkey!" away.

[SPLAIN]

Quote

Total innocence is only a "Monkey!" away.

And this is why we use animal photos to compare to the girls on the show. :)

[Grandma Saracen]

You needn't stand up to open the door for someone entering your home, you don't need to make eye contact when speaking, & it's perfectly fine to stick your phone to your eyeballs to signify the end of a conversation. 

[Mkay]

You do not have to wear your seatbelt if you are high risk pregnancy. Just get your doctor to write you a note.  

[ReadMeLattice]

Leah: deer cams exist 

Jenelle: Ke$ha can make you do anything; like others have said, commit felonies in South Carolina

Chelsea: if you contour enough and do the bare minimum, it'll turn out ok

Kailyn: fertility issues can just crop up out of nowhere, then disappear

[Calm81]

Leah - That hotdogs that fall on the floor in the present of cameras is not okay other times, well...

It's okay to eat out of a tub of frosting as long as you don't lose your manners...sit at the table girl!

Packets of sugar make for affordable appetizers while the grown ups talk.

Car seats are just for show.

Pencils are deadly weapons for twinses.

Always have the fridge stocked up on lunchables when Ali girl is home...homegirl gets PISSED.

College is only for Instagram and Snapchat photos, two weeks being the acceptable cut off time to move on to a new trend.

 

Kailyn - Asking for water in your ex-wife's/technically still your house is considered being fake.

Being a mom going to school trumps what everyone else has going on.

 

An ass really CAN be too big during the big butt trend.

Pizza must have ranch to be considered upper class food.

It's totally cool to manhandle some dude then file an order of protection just to make going to court for custody rule in your favor.

As long as you've had a rough childhood it's okay to be a hosebeast to everyone else, even the ones that helped get you out of the bad situation.

Jenelle - White pants, glasses and heels make you look less of a drug abuser/evil bitch at court, as proven by Jenelle, as she has gotten off so many times.

It's possible to have a calendar of mug shots for each month of the year. She really should get shutterfly in on this and make a profit.

It is possible to mistake an aborted baby by your ex-husband with the planned baby of your current new boyfriend.

Yeah, this shit happened.

Chelsea - It's totally cool to have the I didn't try hard but technically did ratted hairstyle as long as your makeup looks on point.

All of your friends can turn into your clones and take on the sound of your voice.

GED is the new passing the bar exam.

 

That's it for now.

Edited July 26, 2017 by Calm81

[ReadMeLattice]

@Calm81 I am dying at "GED is the new passing the bar exam" lololololololollllllll

[Mkay]

Coloring the cat blue is totally acceptable. In fact, they love it!

[monicageller]

Leah: Burnt midnight ravioli is a perfectly acceptable dinner for children who need to be up early the next day for school.

Kail: Obeying judge's orders is optional.

[leighroda]

Leah: make sure your child hasn't smuggled a kitten into the car when leaving.

[ReadMeLattice]

There are a lot of parking lots in West Virginia. A LOT. And they don't seem to be attached to anything.

[Miss Chevious]

Chelsea: Pile the makeup on your face and no one will notice the pile of ratty hair on your head.

              Plaid is the new black.

Leah: Going away for treatment due to anxiety and depression is code for going to rehab for drug dependency.

          If your hair's a mess, just stick a pouf on it.

Edited July 27, 2017 by Miss Chevious
hit enter too soon

[Grandma Saracen]

Leah taught us all the get-around for those confusing plural possessives when she forgot to pack the girlses lunch because she was so busy taking pillses. 
 

Kail taught me how fruitful it is to yell at dreamy kids when they're on the soccer field.

[MyPeopleAreNordic]

"Miracle babies" are super common to women in the their mid- or early-20s with "fertility" issues.

There are women who still don't understand how pregnancy happens even though they've had unplanned pregnancies before and are on a show about pregnancies/being a mom.

Condoms & birth control are for suckers, men. Prove it and get yourself a trap baby.

It's possible for a super thin woman who has been pregnant twice before to not notice she has a 20 week baby bump.

There's a segment of the population that loves having huge, ugly, poorly-done tattoos on their shoulders and torsos. 

Whenever possible, you should replace a Y in a name with an E or add in a random, unnecessary Y in the middle of a name. Who cares if the kid is going to have to explain to people how to spell their name forever?

"Dramastical" and "electronically" are words. 

Nathan's gym time is his gym time. He needs his gym time!

Women other than (pre-Cole) Chelsea will sleep with Adam.

Women will have lots of unprotected sex with Matt.

Medical Assistants save lives.

It's okay if your boyfriend has a dozen or so kids and he only cops to fathering two to five of them, and only after being "outed" by someone else.

Kristina Shirley and Jo & Vee are way better people than I would be when it comes to dealing with Amber and Kail. Sorry, Saint Maci, but if anyone is getting canonized for sainthood, it's them. Barb is as well for what she's done for Jace and Jenelle even though Jenelle doesn't give two shits. 

You can use having a less than ideal or shitty childhood as an excuse to be a shitty person forever.

I've been pronouncing jail wrong. It's said "gel."

Not having any pending charges is something to brag about.

Being a felon ain't illegal. 

Edited July 28, 2017 by MyPeopleAreNordic

[zenme]

Leah--I learned that if you're trying to win back the affections of your ex, make him a dinner of box macaroni, Tyson chicken nuggets, and  a cake from a cake mix. 

Jenelle--I learned that it's okay to have a date with a new guy you met on Tinder, literally hours after you had an abortion. 

She's also taught me that if you think you're pregnant right after an abortion, don't be alarmed! It could be remnants from the previous abortion causing you to have a false positive on your test, silly. 

Edited July 28, 2017 by zenme

[guilfoyleatpp]

I've learned the word "dude" is as versatile as the word "fuck."

[Mkay]

I learned that being a felon isn't illegal.  

 

I learned it's totally ok to look at your phone the entire time you have company.  

 

Totally remodel your basement while your husband is deployed so that you can throw your parties with random college men at home. 

It's totally ok to pile all of your laundry in the garage and call it a garage sale. 

Dont forget to Snapchat, Instagram, or tweet out a picture to prove you do vacuum (Leah), mow (Leah), and cook breakfast. Use lots of hashtags for this. #idontneednomam #trdueswho #icanmow

[Calm81]

Farrah - "It's beautiful out today" is a euphemism for "I hate you and think you're a bitch" which warrants a hateful response.

Amber - Cooking French style green beans in a frying pan is as exhausting as cooking a thanksgiving dinner.

Amber - Being a "boss" just entails owning a website domain and selling wholesale items from a couch.

Amber - Buying chickens is considered spiteful to an ex-lover.

Kailyn - You can beat your men and receive no repercussions but me a man in your own home wearing sweatpants on a Sunday makes you a horrible human being.

Kailyn - You're considered an unsupportive member of the household and lose your right to have any say so if you've been deployed for 6-months fighting for your country. And don't expect to be allowed to sort your mail when you come back "home".

 

Brianna - Getting knocked up and cheated on by a "man" you met at da club causes family members to act as though you told them about your terminal cancer diagnosis from your doctor visit that day. 

Luis - Knocking up women who are already mothers is perfect because you already know they can handle the job without you.

You get to be ice cream on the weekend daddy and god forbid the mother uses logic and considers adoption because she can't handle both kids but you make her feel like a piece of shit for the consideration because now you can't get your weekend ice cream with child praise for being a stand up father that "stuck around to help with the child."

[DudeLeaveMeAlone]

8 hours ago, MyPeopleAreNordic said:

"Dramastical" and "electronically" are words. 

I believe it's actually "Dramastically" and "electronical". Nathan totally knows his adverbs!

[MyPeopleAreNordic]

Stupid autocorrect! That's what I meant lol.

3 hours ago, DudeLeaveMeAlone said:

I believe it's actually "Dramastically" and "electronical". Nathan totally knows his adverbs!

[DudeLeaveMeAlone]

19 minutes ago, MyPeopleAreNordic said:

Stupid autocorrect! That's what I meant lol.

I surprised auto correct even knew what Nathan was saying! Don't feel bad, I had to google what the correct term (adverb) was anyway!

[GreatKazu]

On ‎7‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 11:06 AM, Lm2162 said:

There are a lot of parking lots in West Virginia. A LOT. And they don't seem to be attached to anything.

For real! Now we know why there are so many unplanned pregnancies in that neck of the woods. Those parking lots are make-out spots. 

Leah: I've learned I don't need to heat up soup from a can. Just plop it in a bowl and serve. 

Kail: I've learned you can never wear shorts that are too tight.

[lovesnark]

Jenelle: I've learned that if I ever need to appear in court, more classier court heels will help me get off with no punishment.

Mama Dawn: If something is well thought out, logical and in the best interest of children, it don't make no damn sense.

[configdotsys]

9 hours ago, Calm81 said:

Amber - Cooking French style green beans in a frying pan is as exhausting as cooking a thanksgiving dinner.

LOL! I forgot about her exhaustion with the green beans!

[HeySandyStrange]

Bringing something over from another thread: I've learned if you are a young mom making six figures to invite people to film your life in your home, it is perfectly acceptable to have a messy house. It just don't make no damn sense to use some of that money to hire a house cleaner, even for the few days you are filming. 

[Grandma Saracen]

I don't have to listen to world renowned experts on degenerative diseases because my daughter is going to be healed through prayer and lots and lots of exercise. It's okay to project my feelings about my child's disability onto her, and teaching her to cope with her limitations would make her seem like a sissy. Wheelchairs make really great climbing toys, and safety precautions are for other people's children.

(sidenote: *siiiiiigh*).

[bethster2000]

On 7/26/2017 at 3:04 AM, Calm81 said:

Pizza must have ranch to be considered upper class food.

 

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL for days.

I've learned to attach myself to a loser for the next 18 years because I didn't use birth control.  And insisting that he wear a condom might mean he won't like me.  Or something.  

Sweatpants and Ugg boots are appropriate attire anywhere.

The more important the conversation, the better to convey it via a poorly worded, profane, and misspelled text message.

Edited July 29, 2017 by bethster2000

[bethster2000]

On 7/26/2017 at 3:04 AM, Calm81 said:

GED is the new passing the bar exam.

 

PRICELESS

Edited July 29, 2017 by bethster2000
UGH! I'll be more careful about the consecutive posts.

[GreatKazu]

I've learned that no matter what Kail does, she is the victim. 

[Miss Chevious]

I've learned you can have a hell of a hangover Tuesday morning after taking a drink every time Jenelle says "the land" or "our land" on the show <hiccup>.

[ReadMeLattice]

Omg yes WHAT IS WITH THE LAND THING

Is it supposed to be like they're pioneers or something? Is down home country folk land different from other land? I grew up on an acre in the suburbs. Did that not count as land because we didn't wear camo or go to prison a bunch? 

Not trying to stereotype Southerners or camo wearers or country people or any of the other things Jenelle has claimed to be since her latest boyfriend lobotomy. Just pointing out how weird and fake it is. 

[Mkay]

We own one and half acres here in the country in Texas. Am I not promoting that we have LAND enough.  I'll tell everyone I meet tomorrow.  *Must mention Land at least ten times tomorrow.  

[jacksgirl]

I've learned that you can be a Teen parent and develop into a decent adult-Chelsea, Corey and Jo, but the odds are not in your favor- the rest of these yahoos.

ETA- I forgot to add Gary to the good list. Sorry, Belden Lineman.

Edited August 6, 2017 by jacksgirl

[Moogen]

It ain't that hard to parent. Just crack open a tin of cold Campbell's chunky beef, add three spoons, and voila! 

[pheebs]

^^^And don't forget the canned frosting and sugar packets, y'all!

[Blissfool]

Kail - i cannot wear black n white spandex withou looking like Shamu

Gary - shorts can be worn anywhere and anytime

Jeremy - raw bacon can be used as a weapon

[bethster2000]

Adam-muh: You may have a daughter now, but your car is your baby.  (Just rewatched Chelsea's 16 and Preggers episode)

[teapot]

Corey-If you're at your ex's house and  you forgot to wear pants, just grab a pair of her husband's camo shorts.  He probably won't notice for a few weeks.

Brianna-Waking up, doing hair and makeup and getting pregnant at Da Club while caring for your daughter's basic needs is the most adulting that anyone should ever expect of you.

Debra/Leah-if you're too  inebriated to watch the children, don't worry too much about keeping them entertained.  They'll take it upon themselves to give the animals a makeover with whatever is around.

Edited August 14, 2017 by teapot

[ReadMeLattice]

On 8/5/2017 at 9:55 PM, Mkay said:

We own one and half acres here in the country in Texas. Am I not promoting that we have LAND enough.  I'll tell everyone I meet tomorrow.  *Must mention Land at least ten times tomorrow.  

Plus she never seemed into anything like that before. She liked the beach, clubbing, the city and going out. Now suddenly she wants to be some sort of homesteader?

[GreatKazu]

On ‎8‎/‎5‎/‎2017 at 8:09 PM, Miss Chevious said:

I've learned you can have a hell of a hangover Tuesday morning after taking a drink every time Jenelle says "the land" or "our land" on the show <hiccup>.

Jenelle drives me up the wall when she says "the land".  I own properties. Should I be saying "the land" instead? Does that qualify?

[Mkay]

3 hours ago, GreatKazu said:

Jenelle drives me up the wall when she says "the land".  I own properties. Should I be saying "the land" instead? Does that qualify?

You must say land at least once in every conversation. 

 

Land.