Snark Talk: Home, Home on the (De) Ranged

[Gam2]

$1349.00?!! For a Kitchen Aid Mixer?!! Well said--the price is truly insane! Who would pay that for a painted mixer besides Ree? 

[peacheslatour]

Jeebus, couldn't you just go on Pinterest and pick up a decoupage kit for like $19.99?  $1400.00 for that?  Not even if I were rich.

 

Edited to say thanks, parrotlover!

Edited June 20, 2015 by peacheslatour

[grisgris]

You can purchase kits from Amazon to do-it-yourself. They are a fraction of the cost. I guess Ree's is so expensive because it's hand-painted.

 

http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=stand+mixer+decals&tag=mh0b-20&index=aps&hvadid=4967921184&hvqmt=b&hvbmt=bb&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_5vccdj4vph_b

 

Really? And why? I can think of tons of other things I'd buy with $1300. I guess some people just have too much money...

[3pwood]

You could get a similar effect with decals for only $29.99 plus shipping & handling (& the cost of the mixer).  The flowers are pretty, though I'd prefer flames, like Alton Brown's (even cheaper, only $19.99 plus shipping & handling, mixer not included).

[3pwood]

You beat me to it, grisgris.  Looks like Amazon also offers a cow kit -- I'd think Pioneer Woman would prefer that (except it's the wrong kind of cow for her, to be milked rather than eaten).

[Eolivet]

I've seen two episodes of this show, and accidentally bought my kindergartener one of her books because I didn't know if was about homeschooled children -- I thought it was just about a dog.

 

But one thing I noticed in both episodes is she has no joy in cooking. When I watch a cooking show, I want to know the cook just loves the food and thinks it's the greatest and would be doing this even if there weren't cameras pointed at them. But both episodes I've seen, she's been like "I'm making this for my family" with this almost flat affect. And then she goes on and on about "Won't my family love this?" "I think they'll really enjoy this food." It's so bizarre. "My family deserves a good meal" like she's a...rural Stepford wife. I found it really uncomfortable.

 

And then -- in both episodes I saw -- her family (kids, husband, relatives) got the food, and just ate it with their heads down, saying nothing -- not about how good it was or what a great cook she was or how she made exactly what they wanted. I don't expect a lot, but a couple "Mmm, yummy!" or even a "This is great, Mom." But...nothing.

 

Which leaves me with the distinct impression that she doesn't really like cooking, and her family doesn't really like to eat what she cooks. Which is the exact opposite of what I'm looking for in a cooking show.

 

Also, she has at least five cast-iron skillets. That took me out of her "simple rancher" persona right away.

[Aquarius]

Does anyone know where she got her decoupaged Artisan mixer?  I've seen them in almost every color of the rainbow, but never with that floral design.  Thanks in advance if anybody answers.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think she has two. One with a blue background, one with another (orange?) background.

 

Also, she has at least five cast-iron skillets. That took me out of her "simple rancher" persona right away.

What did it for me was the shelves of Le Creuset lining a WHOLE WALL.

Edited June 23, 2015 by Aquarius

[Hildegard802]

"But one thing I noticed in both episodes is she has no joy in cooking."

Add to your observations the way she's always "throwing" and "tossing" ingredients and slamming pans into the oven. There's no respect or reverence for the process. It's wham bam thank you ma'am. Add to that the repetition of the same old stuff over and over, the high fat,sodium and sugar content of her old church cookbook recycled recipes, to me, it's safe to say this show (and her blog) is just an opportunity for her to showcase what she loves most. Herself.

[anneofcleves]

But one thing I noticed in both episodes is she has no joy in cooking. When I watch a cooking show, I want to know the cook just loves the food and thinks it's the greatest and would be doing this even if there weren't cameras pointed at them. But both episodes I've seen, she's been like "I'm making this for my family" with this almost flat affect. And then she goes on and on about "Won't my family love this?" "I think they'll really enjoy this food." It's so bizarre. "My family deserves a good meal" like she's a...rural Stepford wife. I found it really uncomfortable.

For only seeing two episodes, I believe your observations are spot on.  I assume that she must enjoy cooking her drab, everyday food (stuff that every bored housewife in 1970 used to cook), because she started out by blogging about it in great detail.  I always assumed she did this while she was essentially teaching herself to cook.  But you're right - on her show she exudes no real joy or pleasure in her cooking.  She uses words like "glorious" and "yum" and "scrumptious" to make it seem like there is such pleasure in what she's doing, but she's dead with the delivery.

 

I have mixed emotions on this, because I'd honestly be OK watching someone with a bored affect and dead delivery on a cooking show if they were doing and teaching me something interesting.  Because I love cooking that much.  If personality is the prime criterion for having a show on Food Network nowadays, Ree is a total mystery.  Food Network are such hypocrites, because in order to win one of their "Next Big Fucking Food Network Home Cook" you have to behave like a howler monkey on amphetamines, along with having to have some cooking abilities, to actually win.  Yet Ree, with her ZombieCowgirl style and complete lack of cooking skills is able to shop a show.  In the end, it's all about what she can potentially sell to the viewers.  At the very least, it's ratings*, cookbooks, artisan mixers, and Le Creuset sold via product placement.  

 

One thing that did occur to me is that I rarely see her out and about like other FN stars.  It can't all be about needing to be home on the ranch to deliver meals to the cowboys.  Some of it has to be that being around her in an audience is like sitting in front of a wall of drying paint.

 

* And with respect to ratings, I do believe that based on threads like these there are a whole lot of people contributing to her ratings who watch for snark.  Additionally, in my case at least, because there is nothing else on tv when I want to watch and cooking shows are my go-to.  Ratings do not always equate with love...

Edited June 23, 2015 by anneofcleves

[Qoass]

Interesting observations.  My take is that she does love what she does but lacks the ability to convey that vocally.  When I think of someone who prepares food with underlying hostility I think Martha Stewart.  And frankly, either is preferable to the is she drunk?/deranged enthusiasm of Nancy Fuller or Paula Deen.

 

ETA I think the crew on The Chew are really great at displaying tempered enthusiasm without veering too far to either extreme.

Edited June 23, 2015 by Qoass

[peacheslatour]

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think she has two. One with a blue background, one with another (orange?) background.

Yep, I just noticed the blue one yesterday.  So she's just a simple country girl with $2,800.00 worth of standing mixers.  Must be nice.

[grisgris]

What bugs me is how Ree thinks she's dishing out "dry humor" when it comes across as condescending served with a side of smirk.

[peacheslatour]

What bugs me is how Ree thinks she's dishing out "dry humor" when it comes across as condescending served with a side of smirk.

She really does come across that way on her show. When I used to look up recipes on her website (recommended by a friend) I thought she  was kind of a hoot.  But her dead affect and shrill delivery take all the funny out.

[ShortyMac]

Ree put butter, cream cheese, AND half-and-half in her mashed potatoes. Ugh, why?????? So unnecessary. I would be 500 pounds if I ate her cooking all the time.

[chessiegal]

Ree put butter, cream cheese, AND half-and-half in her mashed potatoes. Ugh, why?????? So unnecessary. I would be 500 pounds if I ate her cooking all the time.

Because Paula Deen isn't on FN anymore, and someone's got to fill the void? Although I thought that was Nancy Fuller's role on Farmhouse Rules, produced by Paula's producer, Elliott Gordon.

[novhappy]

As it regards the ratings FN and CC has put on cooking shows Diring the weekend days. Tee and Nancy etc are the highest rated cooking shows on the network because they are the ONLY cooking shows on. And the are on in the prime spots no?

[Lisin]

I can't find the link anymore but I remember her saying on her blog that Kitchen Aid actually did that customization for her and gave her like 4 extras to give away because she features it so heavily in her blog. This was years before the TV show and I also believe the yellow had something to do with matching the background of her blog or her book or something? Either way I think the blue one is prettier but I'd never spend money to do that to my mixer... I did once see one painted like Wonder Woman and it was really hard to remember to be financially responsible and not just buy it! 

[Totale]

If personality is the prime criterion for having a show on Food Network nowadays, Ree is a total mystery.  Food Network are such hypocrites, because in order to win one of their "Next Big Fucking Food Network Home Cook" you have to behave like a howler monkey on amphetamines, along with having to have some cooking abilities, to actually win.  Yet Ree, with her ZombieCowgirl style and complete lack of cooking skills is able to shop a show.  In the end, it's all about what she can potentially sell to the viewers.  At the very least, it's ratings*, cookbooks, artisan mixers, and Le Creuset sold via product placement.  

 

As best I figure, it's because she brings her show to FN all done (production costs included) and wrapped up in a bow where all they have to do is buy it, run it and sell the advertising time she hasn't already sold off herself.  Apparently the price is right for them - they pay it and that's the deal and she doesn't have to be a FN star or luminary or appear at events she doesn't want to or do anything except provide her completed product under contract. 

[grisgris]

Actually, the one time I saw Ree participate in an extra-curricular FN activity, she wasn't half bad. It was that Thanksgiving Live debacle the year that Giada and Alton were going at it like unruly siblings. (Not the one where Ina called Giada out for flirting with Bobby Flay.)

 

Amidst all of that chaos, the producers sent Ree downstairs to the Chelsea Market to visit with her Facebook and Twitter fans. She seemed calm and adaptable, but still that did not excuse her horrible appetizer of Club crackers baked with bacon grease or something equally bad.

[anneofcleves]

Oh, that was an appearance where I felt like she totally did not belong.  She seemed so awkward and uncomfortable, as she made her bacon-wrapped club crackers with canned parmesan cheese.  That whole show was a disaster, but she didn't do anything to redeem it.

[Lura]

No sour grapes here, but when I first saw Ree's mixer, I thought it looked busy and ugly.  I figured that it must have been one that her mother had, which Ree found in the attic.  Thanks to the link, I now know differently.

 

I think this woman paints very nice flowers, and I think I could enjoy them on a set of dishes maybe.  But on a MIXER???  No.  Just plain no.  Aside from the price, I wouldn't want it in my kitchen.  I have other things I want to draw the eye to, and my mixer isn't one of them.  Frankly, I've never noticed that Ree has any taste at all in home decorating.  Her rooms are a hodge podge of colors and styles with none that predominate whatsoever.  It looks thrown together, IMHO.  Therefore, I don't think that Ree has much of a sense of what goes together and what doesn't.  Her mixer, to me, is an eyesore in her kitchen.  It stands out like some hippie rendering from the 1960s.  I don't envy Ree at all.  I wouldn't have that thing in my house. 

 

The only thing that really bothers me and makes me want to criticize Ree is the fact that that $1,349 could buy a lot of hot breaksfasts or lunches for hungry kids in our country. Ree knows that. 

[anneofcleves]

I love the simple architecture of the Lodge.  I wouldn't want to live where she lives, but give me that lodge in a clearing on a beautiful wooded lot  and I'd be a happy camper.  Er, happy lodger.  

 

Today I watched the episode where she referred to arugula as "mysterious."  That always makes me laugh and laugh and whenever I buy it, or cut some growing in my garden, I ponder the mysteries of arugula.  And her ugly shirts.

[grisgris]

My KA is routinely dusted with flour and powdered sugar! Any fancy design would be obscured during and after I used it. (Of course, I take very good care of it.) Mine is black because it goes best with my other small appliances and overall kitchen decor. And, because that's the color Nigella uses the most. LOL!

[Lura]

Speaking of Ree's "ugly shirts," has anyone noticed how often she wears those flowered blouses with lace at the neck and front?  They hide a multitude of sins, and they're better looking than Ina's shirts, but it seems like Ree has a whole lot of them.  Like Ina's shirts, I wonder whether Ree had those blouses made for her, especially for the show.

 

Has anyone made Ree's lasagna?  I detest cottage cheese, which she uses in it, and I hate lasagna made with it.  Just wondering whether anyone thought it was good.  I think she tops it with every last shred of cheese she owns.  I never saw anyone who loved cheese as much as Ree does!

[pandora spocks]

This thread for The Pioneer Woman exponentially has more posts than any other cooking show.  I must admit I watch The Pioneer Woman for the schlocky presentation and the laughable recipes.  I mean, 7-can soup?  Most people must watch this show the way we rubberneck for a wreck or other man-made disaster.  

[Diane]

Speaking of Ree's "ugly shirts," has anyone noticed how often she wears those flowered blouses with lace at the neck and front?  They hide a multitude of sins, and they're better looking than Ina's shirts, but it seems like Ree has a whole lot of them.  Like Ina's shirts, I wonder whether Ree had those blouses made for her, especially for the show.

 

Has anyone made Ree's lasagna?  I detest cottage cheese, which she uses in it, and I hate lasagna made with it.  Just wondering whether anyone thought it was good.  I think she tops it with every last shred of cheese she owns.  I never saw anyone who loved cheese as much as Ree does!

I haven't tried her recipe for lasagna, but my mother and her friends recipe for lasagna was made with cottage cheese. They started making it in the 70's in Oklahoma. I make it differently now, but there wasn't an alternative back then.

Edited July 14, 2015 by Diane

[Lura]

Not meant as snark:  Does anyone know how tall Ree is?  I never thought about it until I began wondering where her daughters got their height.  Ladd doesn't seem to be overly tall, and gradually I realized that Ree is much taller than others.  Just judging from the men she stands beside, it seems to me that she's around 6' or a little less.  Since I don't read her blog, I don't know whether she's ever mentioned her own height or Ladd's.

[sharinlilbit]

I've made her lasagna several times, and it has always been gobbled up at our house, and yes, I made it with the cottage cheese.  It's cheaper than ricotta and just as good, IMO.  Of course, what do those of us who actually make the recipes featured on her blog or in her cookbooks know?  

 

And I believe a lot of the blouses she wears comes from Anthropologie. 

[anneofcleves]

This thread for The Pioneer Woman exponentially has more posts than any other cooking show.  I must admit I watch The Pioneer Woman for the schlocky presentation and the laughable recipes.  I mean, 7-can soup?  Most people must watch this show the way we rubberneck for a wreck or other man-made disaster.  

That pretty much sums it up for me, pandora spocks.  

 

 

I've made her lasagna several times, and it has always been gobbled up at our house, and yes, I made it with the cottage cheese.  It's cheaper than ricotta and just as good, IMO.  Of course, what do those of us who actually make the recipes featured on her blog or in her cookbooks know?

Her lasagna is a pretty standard midwestern recipe that lots of us grew up eating in the 60's and 70's when ricotta and parmesan cheeses weren't so easy to find.  I think that's the major problem for me.  I actually have made lots of her recipes over the years, growing up and learning to cook.  They just didn't have her name stamped on them.  

 

I hesitate to defend the use of cottage cheese in lasagna, because it's one of those things that outrages some cooks (like the dreaded sugar in red sauce), but it works fine if you don't have ricotta.  In our house growing up, we used 4% cottage cheese that was drained well of all liquid, blended until smooth, and then mixed with eggs and seasoned.  (My mom didn't like the curds.)  I bet a lot of people wouldn't be able to tell the difference, frankly.

 

My aunt made a killer lasagna back in the 70's that I still remember fondly.  It was probably just like Ree's, but my aunt added a bit of shredded Gruyere to the shredded mozzarella.  She shared her secret one day with me, and I still will periodically add some Gruyere to mine.  Just a bit to add a little "hmm, what is that?," to the flavor.

 

Today I watched reruns of Nancy Fuller and Pioneer Woman making burgers and fried crap (onion rings and french fries) at home.  That's what diners are for, people!  Pile the family in the suburban and go to freakin' Pawhuska for that.

[peacheslatour]

 

I hesitate to defend the use of cottage cheese in lasagna, because it's one of those things that outrages some cooks (like the dreaded sugar in red sauce)

Damned straight!  I get that ricotta probably was impossible to obtain in the midwest in ancient times, but c'mon, everyone I've known since the early seventies uses ricotta.  As God intended.

[Lura]

I was going through some of the older posts that I must have missed, and I came to this one:

 

 

 

Ree has a line of "cookware" that is coming out this fall. What's interesting is that is made in China, not the USA.

 

I'm dyin' to know more about this here cookware!  What is it -- a set of five iron skillets with three complimentary wooden spoons?  If she threw in a couple a Mason jars, I'd think about springin' for a set.

 

I'm surprised it isn't being made in Mexico.  Ree makes a whole lot more enchiladas and tacos than she does stir frys.  Besides, ever see a Chinese cowboy on the ranch?  Nope, but they's plenty of Mexicanos, bless 'em.

[mousie]

Check this out, (scroll down past her high school picture) looks like a purple enameled cast iron dutch over with her logo and a butterfly handle. There is also a logoed knife.

 

http://thepioneerwoman.com/blog/2014/10/fun-announcement/

 

Most of the celebrity and off-brand cookware is manufactured in China these days and the quality is not noted to be as good as the originals made in  Europe or the USA.

 

I personally will stick with Le Creuset which has been serving me well for more than 20 years.

[grisgris]

She's sold her soul to FN. ALL FN talent end up lending their names to various crappy cookware items that are sold at Wal-Mart and Target. I've seen some of Paula Deen's stuff going for $3-$5 at Big Lots. I did buy a Bobby Flay brand microplane at Kohl's when I had some Kohl's Cash and I have to say it's pretty decent -- well made and has lasted now for about three years with heavy use.

[ariel]

I get that ricotta probably was impossible to obtain in the midwest in ancient times, but c'mon, everyone I've known since the early seventies uses ricotta.  As God intended.

That is true, but alot of Ree's “recipes” are taken from Midwest community/church cookbooks from the 1950's. ;)

Edited July 11, 2015 by ariel

[Totale]

She's sold her soul to FN. ALL FN talent end up lending their names to various crappy cookware items that are sold at Wal-Mart and Target. I've seen some of Paula Deen's stuff going for $3-$5 at Big Lots.

 

I suspect she sold not her soul but her show to FN, and any name endorsements on Far East crapware are of her own devising, not theirs, and done for her own benefit.

[chessiegal]

Totale, I agree. Bobby Flay's stuff comes under the FN brand/name. Rachel Ray has her own line (which I've read is crap, says the pots and pans are dishwasher safe and fall apart after putting it in a dishwasher). If you want to sell at a competitive market price, it's hard to have stuff made in the USA - would be so expensive it wouldn't sell. Yes, some USA made stuff sell at a profit, but it seems to be exception rather than the rule.

 

If you look at who publishes the cookbooks of people on FN, you get a sense of who is keeping the rights vs selling them to FN. I've never looked at any of Ree's cookbooks, but if they're not published by FN, she owns the rights to them. All of Ina Garten's cookbooks are her and her publisher's, no FN involvement/kickback. She uses her show to sell her cookbooks. Ina, as president and CEO of her company, keeps control of her product.

 

ETA: Yes, I know about the whole frozen foods lawsuit about the Barefoot Contessa name that led her to have her frozen food line. I've never quite understood it. I looked her trademark/copyright info on the federal website, and it says her company owns the Barefoot Contessa name.

Edited July 12, 2015 by chessiegal

[WhitneyWhit]

Just finished watching her 100th episodes to features the storyline "Us silly wimin folk only eat veggies, our big strong men folk need meat. tee hee" and the french fry segment made laugh at think of this thread title. She's does this bizarre thing where she's slicing potatoes and talking about being a "peace loving person" then says her brother shouldn't have taken her bike when was 12, followed by "who knew I had so much anger in me?" in the most monotone voice possible.

 

It just made me laugh because of how stupid it sounded, and because she does scare the shit out of me. She's serial killer calm, and if I woke up one morning to a news story she's the prime suspect in the dismemberment of Ladd, I wouldn't bat an eye.

Edited July 14, 2015 by WhitneyWhit

[grisgris]

I caught that very moment of today's show and Ree was babbling on about taking out her aggressions with the french fry slicer. Her attempts at dry humor are the ultimate wet blanket.

[chakajo]

I caught that very moment of today's show and Ree was babbling on about taking out her aggressions with the french fry slicer. Her attempts at dry humor are the ultimate wet blanket.

I wonder why they are moving the new episodes of Pioneer Woman to Sunday mornings

[peacheslatour]

Does it seem to anyone else that her sister hates her?  Either that or she's extremely uncomfortable in front of a camera.

[Lura]

I didn't think that her sister hated her, but I think they have opposite personalities.  Ree seems to chatter non-stop about anything, and Betsy seems to wait until she has something worthwhile to say. 

Edited July 20, 2015 by Lura

[peacheslatour]

Plus, I don't think Betsy is quite the church lady that Ree is.

[MatchaLove]

Does it seem to anyone else that her sister hates her?  Either that or she's extremely uncomfortable in front of a camera.

It pretty consistently appears that every family member doesn't like her.  Even when her father and his wife came for dinner their whole vibe was weird and awkward.  Of course the cameras change a natural family setting, but it just seemed "off."  And how many times did she mention that she never she's her father.  It's not as though he lives in Poland.

 

Her brother and sister-in law are always removed, mother-in-law gives her a little side-eye and for sure the father-in-law can't stand her.   

[anneofcleves]

So Paige had a faux sleepover?  Poor Stanton and Paige.  First there is poor Stanton's name, which Ree really gets into with her over emphasis of the vowel sound "a".  Staaaaaanton.  Staaaaaanton.  Staaaaaanton.  (I imagine Ree roaming the house in the morning with an axe in hand, limping, a la Jack Nicholson in The Shining.) As a final embarrassment we have the teenage girls being filmed getting out of the bed, the morning of their faux sleepover.  I hope she sends you to a really good college far far away from your mom's barfed-on looking pancakes, Paige, because you really, really deserve it.

 

On to the food...Her fried rice kind of made me gag the way she slowly cooked the egg mixture with the vegetables.  That is just NOT how you do it, Ree, and I'm surprised even your camera guy didn't correct you on that one.  The eggs should be scrambled separately as a stage in the recipe process and then added back to the entire mix at the end.  She basically has mushy, egg-coated vegetables mixed with rice.  Num num.

 

The cashew chicken looked fairly cafeteria style, too, with way too much liquid/sauce and some seriously overcooked green peppers.

 

Stir fried kale.  Fine, ok.  It's like one of her tossed salads that nobody needs a recipe for.

 

Pancakes, again.  Reference the barfed-on look mentioned above.  

[grisgris]

I was terribly disappointed. Here I was hoping that "Stanton" was Paige's boyfriend and all of the awkwardness that would bring on!

 

Words escape me for the faux Chinese food. The episode with the drive-thru at Panda Express looked better (I mean PE's food, not Ree's attempted recreation.)

 

I've never seen Rice Krispies in granola and I wouldn't go to all of that work to make granola then just hide a few tablespoons of it in cky pancakes.

[peacheslatour]

 

On to the food...Her fried rice kind of made me gag the way she slowly cooked the egg mixture with the vegetables.  That is just NOT how you do it, Ree, and I'm surprised even your camera guy didn't correct you on that one.

THIS.  You always add the cooked eggs at the end.  I usually just slide the rice and veggies off to the side and then scramble the eggs on the other side of the pan and incorporate them at the end.

Edited August 1, 2015 by peacheslatour

[chakajo]

Paige and Stanton did not look to excited. Who knows if they really ate that overcooked Chinese food. They walked away. I thought she was done with the colorful shirts when I saw what she had on in the first segment.

Paige and Stanton did not look to excited. Who knows if they really ate that overcooked Chinese food. They walked away. I thought she was done with the colorful shirts when I saw what she had on in the first segment.

[CMH1981]

So in this episode the rest of the family were told to stay at the main house while Ree cooked mediocre chinese food with Paige and her friend for a sleepover.

On to the food...Her fried rice kind of made me gag the way she slowly cooked the egg mixture with the vegetables.  That is just NOT how you do it, Ree, and I'm surprised even your camera guy didn't correct you on that one.  The eggs should be scrambled separately as a stage in the recipe process and then added back to the entire mix at the end.  She basically has mushy, egg-coated vegetables mixed with rice.  Num num.

 

Thank you!  When she just added the egg mixture to the veggies, I was like wtf?!  The funny thing is I watched Martha Stewart make fried rice not long ago on her PBS cooking show, and all I could think of is Martha would bitch slap Ree for doing that.

 

I'm actually shocked that they didn't just eat at Panda Express while in Tulsa.

The kale looked good, that is the only thing I would have ate from the dinner.

Those pancakes looked nasty, just ugh...

I loved that the main activities for Paige and her friend were to drive around the pasture and take selfies. Booorrrriiiinnnnggg.

[chessiegal]

Thank you!  When she just added the egg mixture to the veggies, I was like wtf?!  The funny thing is I watched Martha Stewart make fried rice not long ago on her PBS cooking show, and all I could think of is Martha would bitch slap Ree for doing that.

 

 

Hah! You made me literally LOL. Now that's a PW show I would actually watch!

[anneofcleves]

Oh, what I wouldn't give to see a show on Food Network called "Martha Stewart's Intervention."  Episode 1:  Pioneer Woman.  

 

Martha's disdain would be epic.  She would bitch slap Ree, bind her hands and feet with a bunch of Ladd's rubber snakes,  gag her with a fistful of the bacon wrapped Townhouse crackers that Ree hoards in her freezer (with a few stuffed up each of Ree's nostrils), and then leave her stationed in front of the lodge's tv watching an endless loop of old Paula's Party episodes.

 

Martha would then go outside and weed Ree's poor, neglected raised bed vegetable gardens, followed by tending to the Drummond dogs, decorating their dog houses and crocheting them matching sweaters in signature Martha Stewart blue.  Afterward, she would sweep out the barn and neatly fold all of Ladd's garage towels, leaving him an autographed photo of herself with her private phone number.  She would then race off in the sunset in one of the Drummond ATV's...