Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[ChiCricket]

3 hours ago, Porkchop said:

I am not enthused about that advice, since almost all the hearing aid wearers among my friends are really unhappy with their hearing aids, which cost them thousands of dollars.

  My husband needed hearing aids (for years and years 🙄) but didn't want to spend thousands of dollars on them. So I got used to loudly yelling at him. 

 Then last October they passed the over-the-counter (OTC) hearing aid bill, and they then became available at pharmacies, big box stores, and some audiology offices across the country.

 You'd better believe I hopped right on that and ordered some for my husband.

 I was nervous, because they still were a couple of hundred dollars, but I was willing to gamble and hope they worked.

OMGosh..they DO work (at least for him.) He can hear again!

   He tried them on, and later I forgot he had them in. I said something to him, and he said "why are you YELLING at me?!"  I said "this is how I always talk to you!"  He then sheepishly said "oh, I guess I really was deaf." (no duh)

 I bought them from Amazon and they were about $200. They worked really well, but kept falling out of his ears, and he managed to step on one and break it to bits.

So now I ordered him the ones that go over his ears and they work just as well, plus they stay put (and are practically invisible) And they were only about $125. Oh, and they're rechargeable and you don't need batteries.

Hope this (long winded) post helps. 😊

[ChiCricket]

4 hours ago, GeeGolly said:

If wouldn't have mattered if you had it wrong, as we all know what you meant.

My attitude is this is an online forum so no judgment on anyone's grammatical aptitude from me.

I agree 100%..when it comes to mistakes other people make.

It's definitely a me thing. 😊

[GeeGolly]

3 hours ago, Porkchop said:

Could anyone talk to me about deafness? Over the past six months, it seems like I am losing my hearing. I went to my GP and they hosed out my ears (lots of ear wax) and I thought I'd hear better. But no. Next to an audiology clinic, where they tested my hearing and said go get hearing aids. 

I am not enthused about that advice, since almost all the hearing aid wearers among my friends are really unhappy with their hearing aids, which cost them thousands of dollars.

Plus, my ears feel like when you have been on a flight or come down from a mountain, and your ears close. And, once in a while, my ears crackle and it seems like they might return to my former good hearing! But no, it never lasts ... but the crackling is so loud, it gives me hope. 

Would it make any sense for me to go to an Ear Eye Nose Throat doctor? Or should I just give up and go get hearing aids? Any advice or counsel you can offer to help me through this decision will be greatly appreciated!

The 'change in cabin pressure' you're feeling sounds like allergies to me. I think seeing an ENT is a great idea. It sounds like you have a lot of pressure in your ears and there may be some fluid in there too. Both things can impact hearing.

Good luck to you, I hope you're able to find some improvement.

[awaken]

On 9/21/2023 at 11:40 PM, ChiCricket said:

I'm bereft..I have no posts to read on any of the shows I follow. 😭🤣

I have fourteen shows of mostly train-wreck TV saved (don't judge) and they're all empty! Guess I need to go do something more constructive. 😁

 

I feel you!! 
 

im watching Glee and Gilmore Girls. Have never seen them before and really enjoying!  Better late than never I guess!  

[sagittarius sue]

My mother just couldn't get my father to take action re: his hearing problems so she turned to me.  My father had been in the Air Force, around and flying planes for several years so a hearing loss was understandable.  So I spoke to him one afternoon, mentioning that even Chuck Yeager wore hearing aids (he had commercials for them on TV at the time), and that did the trick.  I'll never forget his delighted smile when he discovered how well they worked.

[Ancaster]

5 hours ago, Porkchop said:

Could anyone talk to me about deafness? Over the past six months, it seems like I am losing my hearing. I went to my GP and they hosed out my ears (lots of ear wax) and I thought I'd hear better. But no. Next to an audiology clinic, where they tested my hearing and said go get hearing aids. 

I am not enthused about that advice, since almost all the hearing aid wearers among my friends are really unhappy with their hearing aids, which cost them thousands of dollars.

Plus, my ears feel like when you have been on a flight or come down from a mountain, and your ears close. And, once in a while, my ears crackle and it seems like they might return to my former good hearing! But no, it never lasts ... but the crackling is so loud, it gives me hope. 

Would it make any sense for me to go to an Ear Eye Nose Throat doctor? Or should I just give up and go get hearing aids? Any advice or counsel you can offer to help me through this decision will be greatly appreciated!

Did you have long Covid?  I did/do, and one of the symptoms was exactly what you describe with your ears.  After several months it has finally cleared up.  I feel for you, and do hope it clears up.

[Ancaster]

Tomorrow evening is the start of Yom Kippur, a time of prayer, introspection, reflection.  The tendency is to look back on the negative, but today in synagogue our rabbi introduced us to a new approach from Rabbi Ari Weiss.  We live in such a time of negativity and tragedy, bad behaviors and sadness, it was nice to be offered a different approach.  Here is a link for anyone who is interested (you don't need to be Jewish to appreciate it!)

https://opensiddur.org/prayers/lunisolar/days-of-judgement-new-year-days/yom-kippur/life-affirming-vidui-by-avi-weiss/

To anyone who observes, I wish you an easy fast, a meaningful day, and a year full of joy and positivity.

Edited September 24, 2023 by Ancaster

[Scarlett45]

On 9/21/2023 at 11:08 AM, Mindthinkr said:

   I’m old fashioned in the way that I like to wear slips. There’s no issue of panty lines, everything looks smooth underneath my dress, and it prevents the sun from shining through. 

   I’m going to look into the slip shorts you mentioned. Unfortunately I couldn’t get your link to the tank jumpsuit to work, but I’ll see if I can view it on Amazon. 

This one should work. 

PRETTYGARDEN Women's Casual Tank Jumpsuits Sleeveless Drawstring Elastic Waist Loose Summer Romper https://a.co/d/1DUXxh1

[kav]

6 hours ago, Notabug said:

It wouldn't hurt and might help to see an ENT to see if there is some sort of correctible problem affecting your hearing.  There is also a lot to be said for peace of mind and mental health in these situations and seeking another opinion to 'close the loop' will, if nothing else, help you feel comfortable that you're done your best and gotten a thorough exam and options for treatment.

Hearing aids aren't perfect, your hearing will never be exactly as it was before, but, most people can adjust to wearing them although it requires some patience as it doesn't happen overnight for most people.

Hearing Aids today are SO SO much better than they use to be.  The best time to get them if your insurance covers them, (Kaiser in Georgia does) is the end of the year, especially if you have reached your deductible for the year.  Most likely the hearing loss is being caused by the loss of the little hairs in your cochlea, and not ear bone issues.  It takes time to get use to them, but they are mostly rechargeable now, so no more dealing with the little batteries.  

[Notabug]

4 hours ago, GeeGolly said:

The 'change in cabin pressure' you're feeling sounds like allergies to me. I think seeing an ENT is a great idea. It sounds like you have a lot of pressure in your ears and there may be some fluid in there too. Both things can impact hearing.

Good luck to you, I hope you're able to find some improvement.

Taking some Zyrtecs or Claritin for a few days might help if it iis allergies.

[BetyBee]

Today we're going on a local farm stroll with our youngest daughter (full grown adult!). We'll bop around to some favorite farms and get some gourds and pumpkins and who knows what else? There are usually some goats, llamas, ducks, pigs and kittens to see too! Should be a nice fall-ish day!

[lookeyloo]

14 hours ago, Porkchop said:

Could anyone talk to me about deafness? Over the past six months, it seems like I am losing my hearing. I went to my GP and they hosed out my ears (lots of ear wax) and I thought I'd hear better. But no. Next to an audiology clinic, where they tested my hearing and said go get hearing aids. 

I am not enthused about that advice, since almost all the hearing aid wearers among my friends are really unhappy with their hearing aids, which cost them thousands of dollars.

Plus, my ears feel like when you have been on a flight or come down from a mountain, and your ears close. And, once in a while, my ears crackle and it seems like they might return to my former good hearing! But no, it never lasts ... but the crackling is so loud, it gives me hope. 

Would it make any sense for me to go to an Ear Eye Nose Throat doctor? Or should I just give up and go get hearing aids? Any advice or counsel you can offer to help me through this decision will be greatly appreciated!

If you have a Costco go there. You need a membership but worth it. The professionals are licensed and don't work on commission.  Next to the VA Costco is the largest seller of hearing aids. Major brands are labeled Kirkland. They will give you a hearing test free and make recommendations and won't pressure you or upsell. Maintenance and checkups are free.  I have them. They are Bluetooth so no EarPods necessary. I sent more than one  friend and they couldn't be more pleased. I don't work for Costco.  If you don't correct correctable hearing gloss your brain will forget how to hear down the road.   My 75 year old brother just went through sometime similar and he had tubes put in his ears by his ENT which helped a lot. He is going to Costco for a hearing test on my insistence. 

[Mindthinkr]

My brother and neighbor got expensive hearing aids. They both have had many issues with them and are not happy. My friends, who went to Costco, got much (hundreds vs thousands) less expensive ones that seem to work better and have less frequent problems. I still have good hearing, but am considering going to Costco to get a baseline. I’m very protective of my hearing (I wear ear plugs to the movies), but realize that may change with age and unintended noise. With the baseline they can measure the rate of loss and when it’s time to get them. 

[zoomama]

16 hours ago, Porkchop said:

Could anyone talk to me about deafness? Over the past six months, it seems like I am losing my hearing. I went to my GP and they hosed out my ears (lots of ear wax) and I thought I'd hear better. But no. Next to an audiology clinic, where they tested my hearing and said go get hearing aids. 

I am not enthused about that advice, since almost all the hearing aid wearers among my friends are really unhappy with their hearing aids, which cost them thousands of dollars.

Plus, my ears feel like when you have been on a flight or come down from a mountain, and your ears close. And, once in a while, my ears crackle and it seems like they might return to my former good hearing! But no, it never lasts ... but the crackling is so loud, it gives me hope. 

Would it make any sense for me to go to an Ear Eye Nose Throat doctor? Or should I just give up and go get hearing aids? Any advice or counsel you can offer to help me through this decision will be greatly appreciated!

one suggestion i have is when the time comes to actually buy hearing aids, check out costco. they are far more affordable than what my doctor was charging and the audiologist himself recommended going there. he wore hearing aids. until very recently i have done well with mine. getting covid has changed this and so i have an appt to get them adjusted once again and then i am going to get another hearing test. seems like one ear has gone way downhill.

[skatelady]

20 hours ago, Porkchop said:

Could anyone talk to me about deafness? Over the past six months, it seems like I am losing my hearing. I went to my GP and they hosed out my ears (lots of ear wax) and I thought I'd hear better. But no. Next to an audiology clinic, where they tested my hearing and said go get hearing aids. 

I am not enthused about that advice, since almost all the hearing aid wearers among my friends are really unhappy with their hearing aids, which cost them thousands of dollars.

Well, I cooooould.... but would you hear me? (Sorry! Sorry! I couldn't help it!)

[CalicoKitty]

16 hours ago, GeeGolly said:

The 'change in cabin pressure' you're feeling sounds like allergies to me. I think seeing an ENT is a great idea. It sounds like you have a lot of pressure in your ears and there may be some fluid in there too. Both things can impact hearing.

Good luck to you, I hope you're able to find some improvement.

Have you tried an OTC antihistamine or nasal spray? An ENT would be a good place to start.  It might be allergy.

[crazy8s]

@Porkchop The loss of hearing question.

 

If you end up going the hearing aid route be sure to ask about return policies.

My dad has pronounced hearing loss. He has had quite a few sets of hearing aids over the years. He makes sure there is a money back  for return for any reason included. He has had some that were just uncomfortable or couldn't be adjusted to his needs, so they got returned.

Hearing aids have advanced a great deal. My brother, who has hearing loss due to a work place accident has bluetooth enabled hearing aids that link to his phone.

Our son lost most of his hearing when he was 5. Hearing test put him at 10% hearing in one ear and 0% in the other. ENT and Allergist found allergies were the real problem for him and once he started allergy shots his hearing returned. He never complained his ears hurt or said he could not hear. He always just said his ears felt "itchy".  🤷‍♀️

Edited September 24, 2023 by crazy8s

[oliviabenson]

50 minutes ago, skatelady said:

Well, I cooooould.... but would you hear me? (Sorry! Sorry! I couldn't help it!)

Lol that’s funny 

[lookeyloo]

2 hours ago, crazy8s said:

@Porkchop The loss of hearing question.

 

If you end up going the hearing aid route be sure to ask about return policies.

My dad has pronounced hearing loss. He has had quite a few sets of hearing aids over the years. He makes sure there is a money back  for return for any reason included. He has had some that were just uncomfortable or couldn't be adjusted to his needs, so they got returned.

Hearing aids have advanced a great deal. My brother, who has hearing loss due to a work place accident has bluetooth enabled hearing aids that link to his phone.

Our son lost most of his hearing when he was 5. Hearing test put him at 10% hearing in one ear and 0% in the other. ENT and Allergist found allergies were the real problem for him and once he started allergy shots his hearing returned. He never complained his ears hurt or said he could not hear. He always just said his ears felt "itchy".  🤷‍♀️

Costco gives 6 months to decide and return no cost.  Also if you lose one or both within the first 6 months they replace for free.

[andromeda331]

My dad has hearing aids but he doesn't like them so he refuses to wear them. It's frustrating because he doesn't hear well at all and he knows he doesn't hear well. But he still won't wear them.  

[Scarlett45]

So I want to share a situation with you guys-

 

I was making plans to celebrate my bday with friends and confirmed who would be able to come and made the reservation and then confirmed.
 

Later that night my BFF (who’s making my bday cake) texted me and said that her daughter (my god baby who’s 8) wanted to know was my dinner adult only or was there room for an adult minus 10yrs. I said that my dinner was adults only but I was would love to celebrate with her, her Mom said that was okay they were fairly busy, and I said okay, I still wanted a painting (the child has been very into making paintings for people). The reply I got was “she doesn’t issue paintings to people who do not welcome her to her their birthday dinner.” I said “okay” and listed off other things I wanted for my birthday. 
 

I fully understand why the child wants to come, but not every event is for children. Nor am I surprised that her mother is snippy (that was snippy no?), she takes that child EVERYWHERE, and it’s very much the stereotypical “single parent/only child you and me against the world”; she loves her child very much and is an attentive mother, but I think she leans on her daughter too much emotionally.(this a common issue in that situation) If the 8yrs old doesn’t want to paint for me for my bday that’s her prerogative- but that’s not making me change my mind! 

 

I’m not sharing my birthday dinner with your child. If you don’t like it don’t come (she’s still coming and making the cake but I know she would prefer if I would allow her daughter to attend).

Sweet Jesus. For clarity- I am not upset at the child, she’s being developmentally appropriate, but you know how I am about my “me time”. 

[AstridM]

For anyone who’s interested, free Covid tests are available to order again at COVIDTests.gov.

Edited September 25, 2023 by AstridM

[BetyBee]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

So I want to share a situation with you guys-

 

I was making plans to celebrate my bday with friends and confirmed who would be able to come and made the reservation and then confirmed.
 

Later that night my BFF (who’s making my bday cake) texted me and said that her daughter (my god baby who’s 8) wanted to know was my dinner adult only or was there room for an adult minus 10yrs. I said that my dinner was adults only but I was would love to celebrate with her, her Mom said that was okay they were fairly busy, and I said okay, I still wanted a painting (the child has been very into making paintings for people). The reply I got was “she doesn’t issue paintings to people who do not welcome her to her their birthday dinner.” I said “okay” and listed off other things I wanted for my birthday. 
 

I fully understand why the child wants to come, but not every event is for children. Nor am I surprised that her mother is snippy (that was snippy no?), she takes that child EVERYWHERE, and it’s very much the stereotypical “single parent/only child you and me against the world”; she loves her child very much and is an attentive mother, but I think she leans on her daughter too much emotionally.(this a common issue in that situation) If the 8yrs old doesn’t want to paint for me for my bday that’s her prerogative- but that’s not making me change my mind! 

 

I’m not sharing my birthday dinner with your child. If you don’t like it don’t come (she’s still coming and making the cake but I know she would prefer if I would allow her daughter to attend).

Sweet Jesus. For clarity- I am not upset at the child, she’s being developmentally appropriate, but you know how I am about my “me time”. 

@Scarlett45 - I'm so sorry this situation might put a damper on your birthday celebration. I hope all goes well and that your bff can find a sitter, make a beautiful cake and that you all have a lovely celebration. I also hope you get a lovely painting from your godchild. You deserve a beautiful, happy birthday!

[oliviabenson]

OMG I’m so happy I’m not stuck being a caregiver to my cousin. She is such a spoiled, lying, lazy brat. She is truly awful. Her dad says over his dead body she is going to a group home, so she is his responsibility! Huh. I will never take care of her full time. 
 

 

[Scarlett45]

1 minute ago, oliviabenson said:

OMG I’m so happy I’m not stuck being a caregiver to my cousin. She is such a spoiled, lying, lazy brat. She is truly awful. Her dad says over his dead body she is going to a group home, so she is his responsibility! Huh. I will never take care of her full time. 
 

 

I get why her father feels that way- my Mom feels the same way, which is why my sister is downstairs. But that doesn’t mean YOU are responsible for taking care of her. 

My sister doesn’t have the cognitive or language ability to lie, but she is spoiled and lazy and very much babied- my Mom was filled with so much Mommy Guilt, and my great aunt saw her as her second chance at motherhood that she’s SO ill behaved my mom can’t handle her any more. You know it’s learned behavior because in the last year (when I put my foot down and said my mom couldn’t do any more of the caregiving it wasn’t safe) my sister hasn’t had ONE incident of being aggressive or violent towards anyone. And I can count on one hand actual temper tantrums (usually related to her menstrual cycle) she’s had in a YEAR, but when around Mommy it was every week or every other week!
 

5 minutes ago, BetyBee said:

@Scarlett45 - I'm so sorry this situation might put a damper on your birthday celebration. I hope all goes well and that your bff can find a sitter, make a beautiful cake and that you all have a lovely celebration. I also hope you get a lovely painting from your godchild. You deserve a beautiful, happy birthday!

My bday is going to be fine. If my bff can’t find a sitter (usually her great aunt will watch her) and can’t come (or feels mommy guilt and doesn’t want to) that’s her decision I am going to have a good time regardless. I do want my cheesecake. 

[oliviabenson]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

So I want to share a situation with you guys-

 

I was making plans to celebrate my bday with friends and confirmed who would be able to come and made the reservation and then confirmed.
 

Later that night my BFF (who’s making my bday cake) texted me and said that her daughter (my god baby who’s 8) wanted to know was my dinner adult only or was there room for an adult minus 10yrs. I said that my dinner was adults only but I was would love to celebrate with her, her Mom said that was okay they were fairly busy, and I said okay, I still wanted a painting (the child has been very into making paintings for people). The reply I got was “she doesn’t issue paintings to people who do not welcome her to her their birthday dinner.” I said “okay” and listed off other things I wanted for my birthday. 
 

I fully understand why the child wants to come, but not every event is for children. Nor am I surprised that her mother is snippy (that was snippy no?), she takes that child EVERYWHERE, and it’s very much the stereotypical “single parent/only child you and me against the world”; she loves her child very much and is an attentive mother, but I think she leans on her daughter too much emotionally.(this a common issue in that situation) If the 8yrs old doesn’t want to paint for me for my bday that’s her prerogative- but that’s not making me change my mind! 

 

I’m not sharing my birthday dinner with your child. If you don’t like it don’t come (she’s still coming and making the cake but I know she would prefer if I would allow her daughter to attend).

Sweet Jesus. For clarity- I am not upset at the child, she’s being developmentally appropriate, but you know how I am about my “me time”. 

The mother should understand that you want adults only celebration. I don’t get why she is upset especially since you want to celebrate with the child separately. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t show up or bake you a cake. Some people get that upset/petty…

 

[Scarlett45]

Just now, oliviabenson said:

The mother should understand that you want adults only celebration. I don’t get why she is upset especially since you want to celebrate with the child separately. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t show up or bake you a cake. Some people get that upset/petty…

 

#MommyGuilt

I think she will show and bake my cake because the friend group is expecting it -she does every year, and every year it’s adults only. She missed one year because her daughter was sick but I got my cake.
 

But if she doesn’t she doesn’t!

[ginger90]

10 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

OMG I’m so happy I’m not stuck being a caregiver to my cousin. She is such a spoiled, lying, lazy brat. She is truly awful. Her dad says over his dead body she is going to a group home, so she is his responsibility! Huh. I will never take care of her full time. 
 

 

Is this the cousin you were taking care of while your aunt was in the hospital fairly recently? Why did I have it in my head that your cousin was male? Or is this a different person?

[oliviabenson]

My cousin did not do anything when her mom fell when she had a stroke. Her mom was on the floor for not sure how long.

They live in a building and have a ton of neighbors she could have asked for help. Did not call 911 either.

Neighbor came over to chat and found her.

I am shocked the girl didn’t get help for her mom.

She is capable of doing things but refuses! Stubborn woman refuses to even go outside for a week. Refuses to even get herself water, tissue etc. one has to serve her 24/7. 

Anyways basically I would not be able to live with/care for her 24/7. I would go insane.
 

How her mom is doing this for almost 40 years is beyond me.

Her mom who had a stroke is coming home on Friday. Hooray!
 

Edited September 25, 2023 by oliviabenson

[Scarlett45]

2 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

How her mom is doing this for almost 40 years is beyond me.

(Whispers) Mommy Guilt. 

My sister was almost 30, before my Mom stopped making me get her water. My sister is mentally disabled but her mobility is just fine. She is perfectly capable of getting up, going to the kitchen and refilling her water glass when she wants to (which she always did for anyone that wasn’t my Mom).
 

But when my Mom was around she would hold out her cup and say “wa too”(water) and my Mom would get it , or make me do it if I was at the house. When we were growing up at meals when her water glass was empty she would take mine and I would have to get up and refill both. 

 

Thank god my Mom worked as much as she did or she would be even more indulged!

Mommy Guilt

[oliviabenson]

13 minutes ago, ginger90 said:

Is this the cousin you were taking care of while your aunt was in the hospital fairly recently? Why did I have it in my head that your cousin was male? Or is this a different person?

Yes this is the cousin I was talking about before she is a girl. Too bad in English language cousin has no gender lol. I helped a lot but her dad is there 24/7 for 3 months. 

[Scarlett45]

So my friend texted me back. Her logic is that she doesn’t want to convey to her child that she’s good enough to buy/make gifts but she’s not good enough to come to the event. 🙄 Yes I’m rolling my eyes. I am attaching the text thread. 
 

I fully respect her decision to raise her child how she wants. If she doesn’t want to make a painting for me I love her just the same (I mean she’s EIGHT I’m not offended), but your child is only that important to YOU. Also when did it become rude to not invite CHILDREN, legit CHILDREN to an adult party???

Did any of you guys make gifts for the elders in your life when you were growing up, but didn’t go to their ADULT parties?(like cards and homemade things) I’m not asking the child for her piggy bank money. But I told her I would not ask the child for any gifts again. (Which I won’t do if it upsets her. I will respect her decision as a parent)
 

PS- this isn’t the child’s perspective, this is her perspective. The child is 8- she’s just upset she cannot go somewhere her mom is going and wants to go because she thinks it will be fun. Totally NORMAL. Again, I’m not upset at the child at all. 

[BetyBee]

You are not rude, @Scarlett45! I'm sure in her heart bff knows that. You're handling this unexpected turn of events very well, imo. I know you will have a lovely celebration with friends on your special day.

You asked about whether kids attended adult outings back in the day. I do remember longing to go along when my older sisters were getting dressed up for a big girl outing, but I don't have any memories of wishing I could join in with my parents and their friends. Maybe it was different because I wasn't an only child...far from it! There was a houseful of kids and we had fun when our parents were out! It was the same with my kids - we always planned fun activities and a fun sitter for when we parents went out. As for making gifts, I loved making cards and pictures for my parents and my Grandma. I commissioned a painting of poppies from my granddaughter when she was about 8. She did a beautiful job and it still hangs in my bathroom! 

[Absolom]

Here's a little different spin.  When I first read the story I thought I was missing some context.  I was onboard with saying no to an 8 year old attending an adult party.  You could end up with insulted other adults because their children aren't invited,  curtailed discussions because not appropriate for an 8 year old, or all attention on kid antics, etc.  What struck me that I was missing something was then saying you'd want a painting from the child as a present.  The mother may have taken it as I did of it's potentially a problem to tell anyone what you want as a present and even more so for someone you just said is not invited.  Next time, if there is one, I'd consider leaving it at this is an adult only party sorry and possibly adding I'd love to get together with "Josie" and you later that weekend or the next.  

[Scarlett45]

33 minutes ago, Absolom said:

Here's a little different spin.  When I first read the story I thought I was missing some context.  I was onboard with saying no to an 8 year old attending an adult party.  You could end up with insulted other adults because their children aren't invited,  curtailed discussions because not appropriate for an 8 year old, or all attention on kid antics, etc.  What struck me that I was missing something was then saying you'd want a painting from the child as a present.  The mother may have taken it as I did of it's potentially a problem to tell anyone what you want as a present and even more so for someone you just said is not invited.  Next time, if there is one, I'd consider leaving it at this is an adult only party sorry and possibly adding I'd love to get together with "Josie" and you later that weekend or the next.  

Yes my birthday party is always adults only. (Bolding mine) Lately the 8yrs old has been making these impressionist type paintings, so I said for my birthday I would love one as a gift. The child was never invited to the party. 
 

I get what you’re saying, in my experience it was common for kids to make gifts for adults in their life at their bdays, even though the children didn’t attend the adult party. I made my great aunts cards and drawings and homemade things at that age for example. This is something that is common place for me, so I didn’t think anything of it. 

Her Mom stated the bolded, that it was rude to ask for a gift from someone that wasn’t invited- which I personally think is ridiculous as the person isn’t my peer but a prepubescent child, and it’s a homemade painting not an retail item BUT:

If that’s not okay with her mom I respect that, and I won’t ask again but she’s not coming to my adult party end of story. 
 

Also I did offer to celebrate separately with them later and she said it didn’t fit into their schedule. Again fine. 
 

But truthfully I think this is more about how she’s turning her child into her buddy/partner/emotional support person and consciously or unconsciously is upset she has been asked to go somewhere without her child. 

[AstridM]

When I was a child, there were lots of “adult only” events that kids weren’t a part of. Nothing at all wrong with that, imo. 

[Notabug]

I kinda get where Absolom is coming from on this.  When I was 8, I might choose to make a gift for an adult's birthday, but maybe not.  But, I think my mom would've gotten mad on my behalf if, after making it clear that I wasn't welcome to attend the adult birthday party which was the ONLY party; the birthday girl then make it clear she still expected me to give her a gift.  Giving a list of things you wanted as gifts right after that was perhaps perceived as just a little bit insensitive.

As you know, moms hurt when their kids hurt.  How about calling the little girl, telling her you don't think she'd have any fun at a party with a bunch of boring grownups and, instead, you wanted to celebrate your birthday separately, just with her? Then, take her out for a Happy Meal and let her know she's special to you, too.  Or take her to the park to the swings or watch a video with her or whatever.

I think it was mentioning the gift right after telling her the 8 year old was not invited might've set off her Mama Bear side.

When I was a child, there were plenty of adults-only events, but I was never expected to provide a birthday gift to an adult as a matter of course.  Perhaps your friend wasn't raised that way either and she doesn't get where you're coming from since it sounds like your family did do that.

Edited September 25, 2023 by Notabug

[Scarlett45]

1 minute ago, Notabug said:

I kinda get where Absolom is coming from on this.  When I was 8, I might choose to make a gift for an adult's birthday, but maybe not.  But, I think my mom would've gotten mad on my behalf if, after making it clear that I wasn't welcome to attend the adult birthday party which was the ONLY party; the birthday girl then make it clear she still expected me to give her a gift.  Giving a list of things you wanted as gifts right after that was perhaps perceived as just a little bit insensitive.

As you know, moms hurt when their kids hurt.  How about calling the little girl, telling her you don't think she'd have any fun at a party with a bunch of boring grownups and, instead, you wanted to celebrate your birthday separately, just with her? Then, take her out for a Happy Meal and let her know she's special to you, too.  Or take her to the park to the swings or watch a video with her or whatever.

I fully understand how Mommies are about their children. I know how my Mommy is about ME. I get where you and @Absolom are coming from, but my Mom would’ve said “Auntie Y asked for one of your paintings because she thinks they are beautiful. Here’s the paint. No you cannot attend as it’s for grownups.”
 

I appreciate the feedback. I see the girl all the time (I will likely see her this evening) so I will talk to her about it. I offered to do a separate bday thing (that happened in 2019, she begged to go to the adult party when she was 4 so we did something the next day) and her Mom shut it down. Which makes me think it’s not really about the child but something else. 

[Notabug]

Just now, Scarlett45 said:

I fully understand how Mommies are about their children. I know how my Mommy is about ME. I get where you and @Absolom are coming from, but my Mom would’ve said “Auntie Y asked for one of your paintings because she thinks they are beautiful. Here’s the paint. No you cannot attend as it’s for grownups.”
 

I appreciate the feedback. I see the girl all the time (I will likely see her this evening) so I will talk to her about it. I offered to do a separate bday thing (that happened in 2019, she begged to go to the adult party when she was 4 so we did something the next day) and her Mom shut it down. Which makes me think it’s not really about the child but something else. 

Most disputes are usually about something else, something that has been bubbling beneath the surface.  You may need to have a heart to heart alone with her mother to see what she is really upset about.  Oftentimes, it turns out to be something that can easily be adjusted or changed so everyone is satisfied.

One of my sisters spent a couple of years being really snarky to me all the time.  She lived far away and I only saw her a couple times a year, so it wasn't anything I even thought much about; she's kinda sarcastic to everyone.  Finally, she just blew up at me.  I asked what was going on and she had a whole list of little things that bothered her.  Most I wasn't aware of, a few I agreed with her, were annoying.  So, I apologized and told her I'd try to avoid those things if she could stop with the cold shoulder and instead speak up right away if something bothered her.  We've been fine ever since.  

[Scarlett45]

2 minutes ago, Notabug said:

Most disputes are usually about something else, something that has been bubbling beneath the surface.  You may need to have a heart to heart alone with her mother to see what she is really upset about.  Oftentimes, it turns out to be something that can easily be adjusted or changed so everyone is satisfied.

One of my sisters spent a couple of years being really snarky to me all the time.  She lived far away and I only saw her a couple times a year, so it wasn't anything I even thought much about; she's kinda sarcastic to everyone.  Finally, she just blew up at me.  I asked what was going on and she had a whole list of little things that bothered her.  Most I wasn't aware of, a few I agreed with her, were annoying.  So, I apologized and told her I'd try to avoid those things if she could stop with the cold shoulder and instead speak up right away if something bothered her.  We've been fine ever since.  

I can agree with this. I appreciate the advice. 

[wilsie]

9 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

So I want to share a situation with you guys-

 

I was making plans to celebrate my bday with friends and confirmed who would be able to come and made the reservation and then confirmed.
 

Later that night my BFF (who’s making my bday cake) texted me and said that her daughter (my god baby who’s 8) wanted to know was my dinner adult only or was there room for an adult minus 10yrs. I said that my dinner was adults only but I was would love to celebrate with her, her Mom said that was okay they were fairly busy, and I said okay, I still wanted a painting (the child has been very into making paintings for people). The reply I got was “she doesn’t issue paintings to people who do not welcome her to her their birthday dinner.” I said “okay” and listed off other things I wanted for my birthday. 
 

I fully understand why the child wants to come, but not every event is for children. Nor am I surprised that her mother is snippy (that was snippy no?), she takes that child EVERYWHERE, and it’s very much the stereotypical “single parent/only child you and me against the world”; she loves her child very much and is an attentive mother, but I think she leans on her daughter too much emotionally.(this a common issue in that situation) If the 8yrs old doesn’t want to paint for me for my bday that’s her prerogative- but that’s not making me change my mind! 

 

I’m not sharing my birthday dinner with your child. If you don’t like it don’t come (she’s still coming and making the cake but I know she would prefer if I would allow her daughter to attend).

Sweet Jesus. For clarity- I am not upset at the child, she’s being developmentally appropriate, but you know how I am about my “me time”. 

This is your birthday and since your friend knows how you feel about your "me time" she should respect your choices.  You've tried to accommodate her child in a way that should have worked for both you and the child.  I admire your ability to set boundaries.  It helps all the people in your life to know what's needed and expected.  I hope your birthday is amazing!

[Scarlett45]

I shared the situation with my friend that knows us both well. She concurs that my request for a painting after saying “no” probably did set off the “Momma Bear” mode (which I can admit), but given our history and shared experiences the Mom is 100% projecting her own insecurities and as humans we hypercorrect. She doesn’t want her daughter to be taken advantage of(which we understand), but she thinks her reaction is BS given our relationship and giving her a bad lesson “you don’t get your way one time so you don’t show generosity to people you know love you.”

My friend stated, she should’ve told the girl “Auntie Scarlett loves you, she asked this of you, you’re doing it even though you are upset you cannot go to the adult party.”

But I respect my friend’s boundaries as a Mom and if this is a new guideline I will abide by it. 

[CalicoKitty]

I worked with someone who ALWAYS dragged one or both of her young daughters everywhere.  She brought one daughter (uninvited) to my retirement party.  Funerals, parties, adult faculty parties, crab feeds, it didn't matter, she always had her young daughters there.  And they were always the only children.  Always.  The rest of us thought it was very out of place.  It was uncomfortable.  So I get what you are saying.

[oliviabenson]

If I was invited to a kid free event I’d go without any kids. I’d respect the invitation request. 

[sagittarius sue]

There are parents who appear to never say "no" to their children.  Perhaps they fear their children won't like or love them if they do so, or they don't want to disappoint their children or fear lowering the child's self esteem.  It could be a result of the parents' own strict up-bringing, and they're determined to do things differently.  I've felt that with an in-law of mine.  The best parents find a balance, and I'm glad I found that with my own.

Edited September 27, 2023 by sagittarius sue
grammar, I know how to use adverbs unlike Jillrod

[Scarlett45]

36 minutes ago, sagittarius sue said:

There are parents who appear to never say "no" to their children.  Perhaps they fear their children won't like or love them if they do so, or they don't want to disappoint their children or fear lowering the child's self esteem.  It could be a result of the parents' own strict up-bringing, and they're determined to do things different.  I've felt that with an in-law of mine.  The best parents find a balance, and I'm glad I found that with my own.

Parenting is hard, and no parent is perfect. I told her when the baby was born (I was the one with her and cut the cord), that I wasn’t going to tell her how to raise her kid. I said I was going to keep my opinions to myself unless asked or I thought the baby was in serious harm (physical or emotional harm). Other than that, I was keeping my mouth shut. 
 

I can disagree with something but respect your decision as a parent; while still maintaining my own boundaries for my own life. The only person’s feelings I consider before I do something is my Mom.

[ChiCricket]

  I just wanted to share that my 19yo grandson has been VERY peeved that I turn off the WiFi every night(morning) at 2 am (he likes to play video games with other people on his computer.)

Fine..whatever, play all dang day if you want...BUT.

  He was staying up until 6am playing (even when he knew he was scheduled to work the next morning at 10am.) So of course he overslept and was late for work...twice. 🙄 So I told him the WiFi was going off at 2 every night.

He started complaining about,and I said "oh? guess you'll have to pay for your own WiFi then" and then walked away. Went in my room and wouldn't listen to him whine (I will NOT baby him like his parents were.)

So. He has been giving me the silent treatment for 2 weeks, because I have held to it(oh well ) but just awhile ago he came downstairs, and cheerfully said, "I'm going to the mall Grammie" and as he walked out he said "love you!" 🤯

I feel like I did the right thing for him by giving him (a small) boundary.

Yay me! 😂 😁 🥰 (baby steps)

Edited September 27, 2023 by ChiCricket

[BetyBee]

What a wonderful story, @ChiCricket! You handled it just right! 

[Scarlett45]

Good for you @ChiCricket, you’re giving him good skills that will serve him his entire life. 

[oliviabenson]

Young people go to the mall?! I know I know I’m old.