Pet(s): Photos & Discussion

[Scarlett45]

4 hours ago, GHScorpiosRule said:

My cousin, who was raised with me as a brother, came to visit over the weekend and through Tuesday. They live in Chicago. I met my new "nephew” Denver! He’s a Pitt/Lab mix; four years old. My brother (technically cousin) and his wife got him when he was six weeks old-no one wanted him as he had Parvo, was undernourished. 😪😪 and his mom and brothers and sisters were adopted right away. And he’s such a happy doggie now! It was ❤️ at first sight!

Second picture is him “kissing” me bye-bye.

 

So glad he has a happy ending with your brother’s family. Sweet boy. 

[Bastet]

I am just one giant bundle of nerves about Riley.  I'm afraid she's not going to recover from this mystery illness, and I'm going to wind up looking back and saying I made her suffer too long before putting her to sleep.  But since I don't know what's wrong with her, only that she's acting like she did three years ago when they also couldn't find what was wrong with her, and she fully recovered from that after a few months, I want to give her a fighting chance.  She's so up and down; I'll get my hopes up we're moving in the right direction, and then she'll go back to the previous degree of sickness.

And my parents are frustrating me, because they both keep telling me all this stress is not good for me, or for her, because she senses my anxiety and then she feels anxious.  No shit, Sherlocks!  But it's not like I can just decide not to be stressed.  I have chronic anxiety (and depression), so I'm already doing my best just to function on a good day.  There isn't enough Ativan in the world for me not to worry that my cat may be dying. They'll say "You're doing all you can do, and she's either going to get better or she won't" as if that's supposed to be a source of calm.  That's WHY I'm so stressed out -- I'm doing all I can do, she's still sick, I don't know if she's going to get better, and I don't know how long I should make her wait to find out (yet I certainly don't want to put to sleep a cat who could have wound up making a full recovery if I'd given it more time).  That's a nerve-racking situation to be in, and I'm going to be in this heightened state of anxiety until she improves (or I have to let her go, at which point I will shift to a deep depression, thank you very much).

My friend emails me every day, and she's smart enough to just say she's so sorry we're going through this and wishes there was something more that could be done.

[ABay]

@Bastet I'm so sorry. You've given so much good advice and so many words of comfort to the rest of us when we've been in the awful position of making this decision. Please know you're not alone and FWIW I know you'll make the best decision for Riley and whatever happens you've given her the life of Riley you intended to when you named her.

[Mindthinkr]

@Bastet Sending big virtual hugs your way. I feel terrible for you, but in my heart know that you will ultimately make the right choice when the time comes. I wish they could have found the source of this mystery illness. That must be frustrating. 
All of our paws are in for you and Riley 😻

[SuprSuprElevated]

Sweet~

[supposebly]

@Bastet I can't even imagine what it's like to be in your shoes at the moment with Riley. I haven't been in that position with a pet yet, but it must be so much easier when you have a prognosis. At least you know what the right decision will be in that case. Sending calming thoughts in the hopes that Riley will recover soon.

[peacheslatour]

1 hour ago, supposebly said:

@Bastet I can't even imagine what it's like to be in your shoes at the moment with Riley. I haven't been in that position with a pet yet, but it must be so much easier when you have a prognosis. At least you know what the right decision will be in that case. Sending calming thoughts in the hopes that Riley will recover soon.

We went through that with Nathan. I will never forget the worry, anguish and guilt. So much guilt to this day.

[Bastet]

21 hours ago, ABay said:

whatever happens you've given her the life of Riley you intended to when you named her.

This was perfect, thank you.

5 hours ago, supposebly said:

I haven't been in that position with a pet yet, but it must be so much easier when you have a prognosis. At least you know what the right decision will be in that case.

Exactly; I have a good handle on when it's time to say goodbye to a cat I know can never recover.  This is different, so it's much more difficult to make a decision.

Not too long after posting about this yesterday, I found out my mom has stage four kidney disease (totally out of the blue; her oncologist referred her to a nephrologist as a "just in case" thing since her kidney values bounce around), so I am now officially on the brink of a nervous breakdown.  But thank you all for the virtual hugs and good wishes.  I feel like Riley is in I want to feel better mode, not I just want this to end, so for now we keep fighting.

Edited July 28, 2023 by Bastet

[Mondrianyone]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, @Bastet. We lost our 9-year-old cat this past spring, with no warning and no time to adjust to the idea. Neither way is easy.

All the best to you and your mom and dad.

[Gramto6]

@Bastet I was where you are with my Baby Boo (avatar) he was 12 and just failing. There were no answers but as with Riley, hope that he would pull himself out. He didn't and I had to make that heartbreaking decision and do what was best for him. My heart was and still is broken.

I think that is why the feral kitties give me pleasure, they ease my heart and yet I can't get too attached to any one of them as they do move on at some point. I don't think I have it in my heart to bring another cat into the house though.  They are all getting fixed early Sept and will live out their lives well taken care of outside.

My thoughts are with you and your parents too. Sending love and many hugs for all of you. Try to be good to yourself and know that many people have you in their prayers. (((HUGS)))  🙏

[SuprSuprElevated]

It's in the contract.

[peacheslatour]

5 hours ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

It's in the contract.

D'aaww. That reminds me of our Nathan, King of the Hairballs. He was sleeping on our bed once and I heard the dire warning sounds of an impending hairball attack. I yelled "Get off the bed! Get off the bed!" and he did. From then on, whenever he was on the bed and felt like he was going to hurl, he would immediately jump down. RIP good boy. ❤️

[athousandclowns]

this guy is the only thing that’s keeping me from going bat shit crazy. 
Carter a adopted shelter dog who although attached at my hip still will not let me approach him and if I go into my bedroom when he’s there he runs under the bed. He chews everything ,cardboard ,scotch tape ,  floorboards. He is Houdini able to get out of every harness and collar I’ve tried, even a cat halter.   He sits out on this chair in the heat so the umbrella came from Amazon last night and he promptly got up on it in the dark.   I am so angry at my son and daughter in law I could spit.  On the day my son texted me ( 25th) to say he and his wife had Covid I had babysat along with several get togethers days before.  They went on a planned beach vacation yesterday anyway. Sorry if this got off topic it’s taken 45 minutes to post. Carter is sitting on my hands keeping me from responding to the text picture of my grandsons playing on the beach. 

Edited July 29, 2023 by athousandclowns

[Gramto6]

[Leeds]

21 hours ago, peacheslatour said:

D'aaww. That reminds me of our Nathan, King of the Hairballs. He was sleeping on our bed once and I heard the dire warning sounds of an impending hairball attack. I yelled "Get off the bed! Get off the bed!" and he did. From then on, whenever he was on the bed and felt like he was going to hurl, he would immediately jump down. RIP good boy. ❤️

No hair balls yet from Delilah, but she did barf up her breakfast the other day, right next to her bowl in a nice, compact cylinder, for want of a better word.  I cleaned it up and then went out to run a quick errand.  When I got back, she had reached up into the improperly closed trash can, fished out the paper towel-wrapped barf and eaten it.  Yuk.  And yes, she still had food in her bowl. 

Lesson learned - make sure the trash can is closed properly.

Edited July 30, 2023 by Leeds

[Leeds]

I spend a lot of time sitting in my favourite chair with my laptop.  Delilah often snuggles up next to me, having accessed the spot via the keyboard.  I have learned to avoid the consequences to my work/browsing by closing the laptop as she prepares to jump up.  This means she has now discovered the soft joys of Covid belly, and sets about kneading away, which she never does anywhere else.

I usually just push her to the side so I can carry on working, but I do wonder if I've discovered an answer to a chubby tummy.  Hey, it can't be any less unlikely than other "cures" that are offered up, though sadly, I did recently learn that it has been (scientifically) proven that targeted weight loss is ineffective.

Edited July 30, 2023 by Leeds

[annzeepark914]

22 hours ago, peacheslatour said:

D'aaww. That reminds me of our Nathan, King of the Hairballs. He was sleeping on our bed once and I heard the dire warning sounds of an impending hairball attack. I yelled "Get off the bed! Get off the bed!" and he did. From then on, whenever he was on the bed and felt like he was going to hurl, he would immediately jump down. RIP good boy. ❤️

Yup! I once shoved Zoe off the bed when I heard that "warning". Ever since then, if she needs to hurl she'll immediately jump off the bed & go out in the hall to dislodge the hairball (or the mess in advance of it). Cats are no dummies. They know 😸

[secnarf]

On 7/29/2023 at 9:01 AM, SuprSuprElevated said:

It's in the contract.

I relate to this on a personal level right now.

Ginny and Luna both vomit up hairballs on a semi-regular basis, and continuing to have issues with Ginny sneezing/spewing bloody snot everywhere several times a day. Vet wanted to try a few more things before putting her under GA (neither worked, and I'd like to see them try to get nose drops into Ginny - she hid from me for a solid week). And then, the vet went on vacation for 3 weeks. She has been back for a week and I have been calling every other day. I am spending at least half an hour every day cleaning up blood/bloody snot from a variety of surfaces. Carpet is the worst for the bloody snot - it really cakes in there. Just a few minutes ago she spewed it alllllll over the cover on my bed. And then whimpered.

The blood also sometimes stains around her nose, which really irritates her.

I feel bad for me having to clean up after her, but I feel really bad for her having to deal with this :(

[Gramto6]

Poor sweet girl! I sure hope you can find a solution to help her feel better.  (((Hugs))) for her too!

[SuprSuprElevated]

9 hours ago, secnarf said:

I relate to this on a personal level right now.

Ginny and Luna both vomit up hairballs on a semi-regular basis, and continuing to have issues with Ginny sneezing/spewing bloody snot everywhere several times a day. Vet wanted to try a few more things before putting her under GA (neither worked, and I'd like to see them try to get nose drops into Ginny - she hid from me for a solid week). And then, the vet went on vacation for 3 weeks. She has been back for a week and I have been calling every other day. I am spending at least half an hour every day cleaning up blood/bloody snot from a variety of surfaces. Carpet is the worst for the bloody snot - it really cakes in there. Just a few minutes ago she spewed it alllllll over the cover on my bed. And then whimpered.

The blood also sometimes stains around her nose, which really irritates her.

I feel bad for me having to clean up after her, but I feel really bad for her having to deal with this :(

This is unacceptable on the part of your vet. Might be time to involve another vet/vets. If she's whimpering, she's hurting. Do you have a university veterinary program nearby?  

[Leeds]

The equivalent of an indoor cat stuck up a tree. And yes, having decided this shelf was too high to jump down from and she couldn't work out how to cimb down to the next lowest shelf, she then climbed up to the next one.  I still can't work out how she got up the shelves, but I do know that I now need to keep my closet doors closed.

 

 

[EighteenTwelve]

"I did NOT say I had sardines in my pocket.  What I said was, 'I bet you'd like it if I produced a sardine from my pocket, wouldn't you?' I don't have any sardines!"

[annzeepark914]

17 hours ago, secnarf said:

I relate to this on a personal level right now.

Ginny and Luna both vomit up hairballs on a semi-regular basis, and continuing to have issues with Ginny sneezing/spewing bloody snot everywhere several times a day. Vet wanted to try a few more things before putting her under GA (neither worked, and I'd like to see them try to get nose drops into Ginny - she hid from me for a solid week). And then, the vet went on vacation for 3 weeks. She has been back for a week and I have been calling every other day. I am spending at least half an hour every day cleaning up blood/bloody snot from a variety of surfaces. Carpet is the worst for the bloody snot - it really cakes in there. Just a few minutes ago she spewed it alllllll over the cover on my bed. And then whimpered.

The blood also sometimes stains around her nose, which really irritates her.

I feel bad for me having to clean up after her, but I feel really bad for her having to deal with this :(

Oh no...poor kitty. They can't tell us in words where it hurts, unfortunately. But whimpering is *definitely* not a good sign. I'd find a new vet ASAP.

[secnarf]

10 hours ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

This is unacceptable on the part of your vet. Might be time to involve another vet/vets. If she's whimpering, she's hurting. Do you have a university veterinary program nearby?  

It is about 45 minutes away, if traffic cooperates. I took Echo there many times. They operate on a referral basis though, and in partnership with the home vet - I can’t just decide to take her. 
I heard from the vet today that they are just trying to coordinate a time with another vet - she is more experienced in the procedure so they would like her to do it. I emailed back and included the photo of poor Ginny with blood around her nose. 
I don’t want to find a new vet, as these are one of very few vets in the area that specialize in cats, and so if anything specialized is needed they are better equipped for it. The trade off is that since COVID their case load seems to have shot through the roof - it was never like this before. 

[ABay]

My vet sent out a letter last year about the way demand for vet services had gone up and urging people to make appointments further in advance, etc. They've also sent messages about issues with human pharmacies and suggested using Chewy or another source.

[Writing Wrongs]

It's been a while, but I thought I'd pop in with a pic of Daisy. Now when I see her, she is excited and very playful.

[Scarlett45]

On 7/31/2023 at 4:42 PM, secnarf said:

It is about 45 minutes away, if traffic cooperates. I took Echo there many times. They operate on a referral basis though, and in partnership with the home vet - I can’t just decide to take her. 
I heard from the vet today that they are just trying to coordinate a time with another vet - she is more experienced in the procedure so they would like her to do it. I emailed back and included the photo of poor Ginny with blood around her nose. 
I don’t want to find a new vet, as these are one of very few vets in the area that specialize in cats, and so if anything specialized is needed they are better equipped for it. The trade off is that since COVID their case load seems to have shot through the roof - it was never like this before. 

I’m so sorry Ginny is hurting. 

 

16 minutes ago, Writing Wrongs said:

It's been a while, but I thought I'd pop in with a pic of Daisy. Now when I see her, she is excited and very playful.

Daisy is so cute!

Cosmo being happy as always. 

I love Lady Reese as well, it’s just so hard to get photos of her!

[ABay]

This doesn't really require a response, I just don't have anywhere else to spew. Not being able to talk without crying really cramps one's communication skills.

For a year and a half now, it's been one health crisis after another with Sasha, aka Girl Cat, on top of chronic problems. Since Dec 21/Jan 22, it's been a series of UTIs, reactions to antibiotics for the UTIs, various other things, and an arthritis flare up. Solensia was a miracle. But in June she injured her lower back somehow and was dragging herself around. She also stopped using the litter boxes. This happened before about 7 years ago and she recovered with rest and drugs. Not this time. Drugs seem to work, hope rises, and then the next day or the day after she's back to flopping over every few steps. She's not going to get better. 

I watch her struggling to walk and think "it's time" but then she'll manage more than 4 steps in a row without falling or she'll look at me and I think "maybe a little longer." Even knowing it will only get worse, that I've seen her toes and lower back spasm a few times last night and today, that her purring is weaker, that she has at least twice slipped when trying to climb somewhere and not moved, that she hasn't responded to her favorite blanket by trying to get into the chair with me (unprecedented), and a few things that might be unrelated, I can't stop feeling guilty, that I'm betraying her by taking her to the vet tomorrow for the last time. Or conversely that if I wait until she can't move at all, I'm making her suffer because of my own selfishness. And I also hate myself for recognizing the benefit of not having to pay for a multitude of drugs, food, litter, enzyme spray, etc.

Other cats have given me a clear sign but so late that I should've done something sooner. She's still herself in so many ways. I wish I believed in an afterlife or that she would forgive me, or that this is what she would want.

[isalicat]

8 hours ago, ABay said:

Other cats have given me a clear sign but so late that I should've done something sooner. She's still herself in so many ways. I wish I believed in an afterlife or that she would forgive me, or that this is what she would want.

I went through a similar situation with my last orange tabby tom cat, Louis...but once he could not really walk, was peeing all over himself several times a day and having what seemed to be significant seizures (he was 17 years old at this point), I thought his quality of life was so poor that I needed to let him go over the Rainbow Bridge despite the fact that he still seemed pretty alert. The vet gave him a thorough exam and agreed...remember that cats are super stoic so you generally really don't know how much they are hurting. Its the toughest of decisions, but your kitty really really will appreciate being released from her unhappy body and I believe we will see them all again somewhere in joy.

[SuprSuprElevated]

9 hours ago, ABay said:

This doesn't really require a response, I just don't have anywhere else to spew. Not being able to talk without crying really cramps one's communication skills.

For a year and a half now, it's been one health crisis after another with Sasha, aka Girl Cat, on top of chronic problems. Since Dec 21/Jan 22, it's been a series of UTIs, reactions to antibiotics for the UTIs, various other things, and an arthritis flare up. Solensia was a miracle. But in June she injured her lower back somehow and was dragging herself around. She also stopped using the litter boxes. This happened before about 7 years ago and she recovered with rest and drugs. Not this time. Drugs seem to work, hope rises, and then the next day or the day after she's back to flopping over every few steps. She's not going to get better. 

I watch her struggling to walk and think "it's time" but then she'll manage more than 4 steps in a row without falling or she'll look at me and I think "maybe a little longer." Even knowing it will only get worse, that I've seen her toes and lower back spasm a few times last night and today, that her purring is weaker, that she has at least twice slipped when trying to climb somewhere and not moved, that she hasn't responded to her favorite blanket by trying to get into the chair with me (unprecedented), and a few things that might be unrelated, I can't stop feeling guilty, that I'm betraying her by taking her to the vet tomorrow for the last time. Or conversely that if I wait until she can't move at all, I'm making her suffer because of my own selfishness. And I also hate myself for recognizing the benefit of not having to pay for a multitude of drugs, food, litter, enzyme spray, etc.

Other cats have given me a clear sign but so late that I should've done something sooner. She's still herself in so many ways. I wish I believed in an afterlife or that she would forgive me, or that this is what she would want.

Very similar to what DH & I exprienced with Onyx. We knew she was suffering on some level, but not always, and we kept telling ourselves that we would know when it was time. Well, we are now one year on from her death, and we realize that we allowed her to suffer for probably 6-12 months longer than we should have, at least, and it was for us. For our own inability to imagine living without her in our lives. As someone wisly said about euthanasia; one day or week or month too soon is far better than one day or week or month too late.

It is the harsh reality of living with a 4-legged family member who for reasons I don't want to understand, can't be with us for as long as we need or want them to be.

You have my empathy, sympathy, and whatever peace I can will to you through the bandwidth.

You.are.doing.the.right.thing.

 

[Bastet]

@ABayI want to tell you the same thing you told me -- you have given her the best life she could have had, and you are not alone.  I feel your pain and your guilt.  But I also know you're doing right by her.  If she's not going to get better, letting her go out while she still is somewhat herself is the best final gift you can give her.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Bastet]

Riley developed additional symptoms, which now seem to be her biggest problem, but they're all of the neurological type rather than seeming to stem from the mystery illness (which is intestinal), so I took her to see a neurologist yesterday and for those we actually have some suspects.  Unfortunately, one is a brain tumor, but there are also a couple of seizure disorders it could be (they happen in one area of the brain, and don't cause the usual physical movements we associate with seizures). 

We didn't want to put her under general anesthesia right now for the time it would take to do an MRI - especially because if it is a brain tumor, I'm unlikely to put her through radiation given the stress that would be caused by having to go in so often for so long (not to mention the stress on her kidneys of filtering anesthesia that often) - so we're going to start her on the seizure medicine and see if/how that affects her, which will be good data obtained non-invasively (this med can be compounded into the water-based formula she doesn't mind being given; I just picked it up and will start it tonight [it's twice a day]).  We re-tested basic blood work to make sure her kidneys and liver were still functioning the same, so that she can metabolize this new drug, and she's good to go.

If no change (it will take 10-14 days to truly see what it's going to do) or she develops additional symptoms that point toward a brain tumor, I can either do an MRI or put her on steroids and see what changes by reducing inflammation.  I will cross that bridge if I get to it.

So, best case scenario is the weird behaviors she's having fits of are seizure-induced, and that the reason she doesn't go back to normal in between is this other, mystery illness that was already causing her to feel generally off - thus there is no normal until that resolves - not because there's a tumor constantly pressing on that area of the brain.  But at least if, at the end of this road, I find out there is a tumor and I can't treat it or even manage its impact I know what's going on and what the future holds and will thus have an easier time knowing when it's time to say goodbye before things get worse. 

Here's the kicker -- the way she was crying on the way to the vet yesterday was different than her normal, and gave me the distinct impression (since we are so in tune with each other) she was afraid she wasn't coming home.  When we got home, she got up on my chest and rubbed my face with her own.  A typical response to me lying on the bed normally, but not anything that's happened lately.  Today she jumped up on the desk (also unheard of lately) to do it again.  This cat is not ready to go.  The vets think she's doing pretty good for all she has going on, but acknowledge I'm the one who knows the ways in which, okay, it's not terrible, but she's so much less than herself.  But right now her quality of life is still such that it's worth living through while trying these various steps - and while continuing to treat the mystery illness with supportive therapy and hope that settles in time as it did before - to see how things go. 

She's only truly happy in short bursts, which is really hard to see because she's normally the happiest cat I have ever had -- it shines out of her eyes, and she's always purring, rolling around, and rubbing whenever I'm around while she's awake.  But she's not miserable, she's not in pain.  She is definitely uncomfortable - and unhappy - for periods of time, but it mostly seems moderate.  She's confused by these episodes that may be seizures, but they're very short (and, while they're frequent in the afternoons, they're generally hours apart the rest of the time).  She is hiding some, and in a different place, which I don't like, but only about five percent of the time.  She still sleeps with me all night, and usually cuddled up to me like normal, although sometimes off to the side by herself for a while.  She doesn't purr as often but when she does, it's robust.  The rolling around is rare these days, and she's slow getting up and down, but she'll tuck into me and try to rest.  She assumes the position on the living room couch every evening, for me to come join her and hang out for the night.

Edited August 4, 2023 by Bastet

[ABay]

You're all very kind and I appreciate so much your sharing your stories. I wobbled on Friday and couldn't do it. I boosted the steroid dosage earlier in the week because there's nothing else to be done and I'm waiting to see if there's any change.

@Bastet, my fingers are crossed for you and Riley.

[SuprSuprElevated]

Goes both ways. Believe that.

[ABay]

She's gone now. I got back from the vet about an hour ago. There's so much I wanted to tell her and say about her but all I can do is cry and stare at a wall. I know we've all been through this and it never gets less devastating. This is it for me, I think. Maybe some day I'll forget how horrible this part is and find another fur ball.

[Bastet]

2 minutes ago, ABay said:

There's so much I wanted to tell her

It doesn't matter that you didn't say it out loud; she knows every word of it.  She knew it every day with you, and held it in her heart as she drifted off to her final sleep.

We're not going anywhere; when you're ready to tell us about her, we'd love to hear it.  In the meantime, cry and stare at a wall for as long as you need to, and do whatever else you need to in order to keep breathing.  You're going through one of the hardest things there is to go through.  These early days of the grief process are absolute hell on Earth, and you'll be in my thoughts. 

[Suzn]

24 minutes ago, ABay said:

She's gone now. I got back from the vet about an hour ago. There's so much I wanted to tell her and say about her but all I can do is cry and stare at a wall. I know we've all been through this and it never gets less devastating. This is it for me, I think. Maybe some day I'll forget how horrible this part is and find another fur ball.

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. The only thing that ever helped me is remembering that you gave them the best life you could and all your love.

[peacheslatour]

I'm so sorry, ABay. Many, may hugs to you. You gave them all your loving care and such a sweet life.

[Gramto6]

 

My heart goes out to you ABay!  I have been there too as many of us have.  I know the pain, sadness and loneliness you feel. Time will be your friend as you heal. Do what ever grieving you need. Just know you were loved back by your sweet kitty as much as you loved her.

I didn't think I could ever bring another fur baby into my life again after losing my Baby Boo (avatar), but the Universe had other ideas when it brought me my colony of feral cats. They fill my heart but are kept a bit at arms length as I can't yet get truly attached to any one.  One day at a time even at this point after several years. 

So many (((HUGS, HUGS, HUGS))) to you.

Edited August 10, 2023 by Gramto6
typo

[nokat]

@ABay I'm sorry for your loss. Yes, many of us have felt it too and know how devastating it is. Mourn at your own time. I teared up thinking of my losses too just now. They are forever with us and know they were and are loved.

[nokat]

On 8/7/2023 at 2:35 PM, SuprSuprElevated said:

Goes both ways. Believe that.

Yes, animals grieve the loss of their friends (you) and other pets. You treat them like any other grieving being, with love and hugs.

Edited August 9, 2023 by nokat

[Scarlett45]

On 8/7/2023 at 3:49 PM, ABay said:

She's gone now. I got back from the vet about an hour ago. There's so much I wanted to tell her and say about her but all I can do is cry and stare at a wall. I know we've all been through this and it never gets less devastating. This is it for me, I think. Maybe some day I'll forget how horrible this part is and find another fur ball.

I’m so sorry. You gave her a wonderful life. She was lucky to have you. 

[ABay]

Thank you all so much. You've all been wonderful. Really much more supportive than my family and RL friends. And I apologize for TLDRing all over you below. It feels like the hurt will never stop and just when I think I can't possibly cry anymore, guess what, I can.

So many feelings. I'm grateful she stayed with me as long as she did, that she was a perfect companion for me and the cat I got her for, and that we had months of togetherness 24/7 the year and a half I worked from home. I miss her jumping in the chair with me or laying on the back of it just over my head, sleeping in the sun on the window seats (am and pm seats 8-), kneading me in the morning to get up and feed her. The little flecks of white on her shoulder like she'd just brushed by a paint brush. So many other things. Flopping on her side on the floor and meeping so I'd play with or pet her. So different from the flopping when her leg gave out these past weeks.

Since December 2021, it's been a roller coaster. There were months when she couldn't knead me, when she had to haul herself into the chair, when I had to make sure there were cloths under her. But also months when everything was good. Although I don't actually remember the last time I saw her raise her tail.

This is the first time in 20+ years I've been alone. Just before I moved here, the fluffy puss I'd had for 10 years died of kidney failure and I still feel guilty about how she died. It was 2 years before I was ready for another cat and then I got 2 brothers, semi-feral Castor & Pollux. About a year and a half after that, Bear showed up crying at the door and he was a cuddle cat unlike the others. He and Pollux hated each other and again I feel great guilt over not giving him a better life before he died of cancer in 2010. Bear got a tumor on his liver and died within a year. Castor was not a people cat, he only liked other cats--he and Bear got no well--and I got Sasha for both of us. Within a few minutes, she and Castor were best buds. She would groom him, they'd play together all around me while I had morning coffee, they would sleep together. He died in November 2017 and it was just the two of us after that. She was a friendly and affectionate cat and I miss her and want to hold her again. We had a long cuddle Sunday night, almost like it used to be.

When I start feeling guilty, because that is my default mode, I try to remember that she gave me clear signs on Sunday that it was time. Sometimes it helps. The vet said he thought she was 19-20--according to what the rescue group told me she would've been 15-16--and it also helps a little that she made it that long. I hope the last 12 years were a good life.

It hurts so much to see her things and not see her. I spent Monday evening and most of yesterday clearing out as much as I could. Put aside the unused meds, unopened cans of food, heating pads, unused beds, etc. for donation. Filled the garbage bin with the towels, cloths, and floor mats I'd put down over the last month, all of the window seat cushions, an open bag of dry food, 3 trash bags of litter. And when after garbage truck went by Tuesday morning...oh my god that was just yesterday...I filled it again with food bowls and the remaining carpet runners that kept her from slipping on the kitchen tiles. It was like hopscotch some mornings trying to avoid the wet spots. Then I vacuumed the litter room and added several vacuum bags full of litter to the garbage. Then hauled all of the cat trees and steps into that room. The furniture and double carpeting in there will have to wait until Oct 1 when I can drag them to the curb for bulk trash month. This morning I hosed down the rubber mats and all of the litter trays. The biggest of those will also have to wait for October 1. I'm worried what will happen when I run out of things to clean.

Amid the at times overwhelming sadness and loneliness, I sometimes think about what I won't miss, like cleaning the litter boxes (and everything else over the last month+); shoving pills down her throat twice a day; paying an average of $550 a month between food, litter, meds, and the vet; not going anywhere because it was difficult and expensive finding a cat sitter who could deal with the pills; what a relief it is not having to worry about that when I take a trip this coming December; and not having to worry now about how we would live when I finally retire and move elsewhere. And then I feel like a fucking traitor. I would happily have all that back if it meant having her back and healthy.

Her ashes should be ready to pick up later this week or early next. Another area of guilt--I left the first cat's ashes in one of her favorite outdoor spots when I moved here and now I feel bad about not saving them. And it's going to be miserable when I move--do I take the ashes of the other 4 cats with me or leave them in the yard since this is the only home they knew?

Later today I'll start trying to remove as many of the remaining spots as I can from the wall-to-wall carpets and maybe clean out my car so there's room for the things to be donated.

[SuprSuprElevated]

ABay - 

You will get through this. You just have to keep reminding yourself that your friend, no, your family no longer suffers. The joy and happiness you had is worth so much more than today's tears.

Edited August 9, 2023 by SuprSuprElevated

[peacheslatour]

57 minutes ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

ABay - 

You will get through this. You just have to keep reminding yourself that your friend, no, your family no longer suffers. The joy and happiness you had is worth so much more than today's tears.

Lord knows, you guys were a huge help to me when we lost Nathan. I love the people here.

[Bastet]

@ABayWhen Maddie died, it left me cat-less for the first time in a very long time as well.  I, too, found it too painful to look at her things, so the day I came home alone from the hospital I put away the things I'd use for a future cat, and shoved in my car to be donated or threw away the rest as appropriate.  And then I felt like absolute shit, like after 15 years with her I'd erased her in an hour. 

One of the myriad emotions I felt upon her death was relief.  That she was no longer suffering, of course, but I also felt relief I was no longer having to hand feed her every 3 hours (24/7, not just during the day) and no longer living in a constant state of worry, which was even more exhausting than the interrupted sleep.  And, of course, I felt like shit about that, too, just as you do.  But, like you, I knew I'd have kept doing it for years to come if it could have given her a quality existence.  The fact for both of us is it couldn't do that any more.  Within that sad reality, our relief is just as natural a reaction as our guilt over that relief.

Grief is an utterly overwhelming emotion, and it manifests itself in multiple, often conflicting ways; those five stages don't always go in a nice, orderly fashion.  When we're in the grips of that, we often see everything in a negative light at first, especially ourselves.  You will always miss Sasha.  Sadness will always be one of the responses when you think of her.  You'll always wish you'd done some things differently, just as you still do with some of the others.  But some day they're going to recede, and the joy of giving her a good, long life (and giving Castor the best friend he needed) and the greater joy of all she gave you for 12 years in return is going to emerge as the primary response to your memories of her.  Because the totality of those 12 years, not just her final months, is what Sasha took with her.

This is attributed to Jamie Anderson, who apparently writes Dr. Who novels, but I heard part of it on an episode of Dead to Me and immediately looked up the full quote as it touched me so:

Quote

Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

 

Edited August 10, 2023 by Bastet

[luv2lurk]

@Bastet, that was an incredibly thoughtful and well written post. A love reaction doesn't seem enough!  

@ABay, I admire you for all the cleaning/tossing you have done. And it is true cats can tell us when it is time. Harlea (my 20.5 year old companion who always was just feet away from me and loved cuddling, or just hanging out to watch TV And fought kidney disease for 5 years) did the same with me - after a winter of not being able to jump well, she just decided to stop eating or drinking. But on the final night she did approach me for a long cuddle, which was our goodbye. I took her to the vet the next day. When I came home I did nothing in terms of clean up. I wanted everything to be the same when I brought her ashes home. To be clear, I was not dealing with soiled carpets, towels etc. There was a soiled cat bed from her final hours but I just left it where it was. And put the urn with her ashes on the mantle where it still remains.  

I do share with you the guilty thought - no more meds and was able to return the expensive canned food to the store.

About a month later I adopted an 8 week old kitten. She is also a tortie  (I don't understand why personality can be attributed to fur colours, but anyway it is true). As I watch her grow up (now over a year old) she is similar to Harlea, but different.  She does not like to be hugged or cuddled but is otherwise affectionate and loves to stay near me. I sometimes wonder if Harlea's ashes communicate to the young feline on how she should behave. And I have never had a cat that strolls around with tail as high up and frequently as this one!

Harlea's futon bed remains in the basement, unwashed. I guess that is my way of remembering how much she meant to me. The then kitten got a cat tree for Christmas which she loves and spends most of the day and night sleeping in. It has a bed on the top level and a hammock on the lower, so no need to wash the old one (which is somewhat sentimental to me since it was purchased by my now deceased brother for my first cat). I had never heard of cat trees before this forum or I would have gotten one for Harlea, except by that point she couldn't jump. So it was new beginnings with the kitten.

This is a long winded way of saying I hope, when you are ready, you will open your heart to a new feline (they are so much easier than humans) and we give them less than they give us really. 

Hugs

[nokat]

To lighten the mood a bit:

 

 

[ABay]

That was beautiful, @Bastet.

[peacheslatour]

I love you guys. ❤️