SnarkEnthusiast

It's ironic, because Nick was much more evenly matched looks-wise with Nicole than "Jasmine" tbh. I thought they'd end up together because of past emotional intimacy, and because Nick didn't viscerally recoil at her obesity like most of them would and go through the painfully phony "I would want to be with her but she LIED" self-fluffing song and dance under the guise of wanting honesty when they've just lost their boners because she's fat. He was nice and compassionate (and if we're honest, probably only about 60 pounds lighter than her), but it's sad that the bar for fat women is showing basic human decency and being polite enough to not reject her outright. I've said it before and I'll say it again - even the sloppiest dudes genuinely expect to date Instagram models. Nick's cousin was hilarious. Max choking back tears at the end surprised me and suggested that he did enjoy Catfish, even if he's been dead eyed and phoning it in for at least the last two seasons. I still have to wonder exactly what he's running off to go do – he keeps talking about passion for directing, but he took off most of a season filming We Are Your Friends and it was universally panned within 72 hours. You would think that experience would teach him that directing can be where his heart is, but Catfish is what pays the bills. I've never heard of him directing anything else and it seemed like he took off all that time in hopes that it would be his big break. Holding up a ludicrously small digital camera when you already have a film crew isn't artistic or even utilitarian. Any kid in any high school video production class does that. I understand feeling like you've outgrown the gig, but I just don't get his endgame. I will miss him horribly because now there's no one to temper Nev's obnoxiousness. Did anything else come out with Nev's sexual harassment scandal? I thought they had determined that there was no substance to it. I mean it wouldn't be surprising either way (I still haven't forgotten about him sucker punching that lesbian in college and then needling out of expulsion because his mom was on the board or whatever). Still, I thought they had already investigated. I think Max is leaving because he envisioned that this gig would be what got his foot in the door, not an accidental career for half a decade. Also I get the vibe that he thinks the show and Nev are juvenile and beneath him.

Kendall seems like one of those people who would insist on an open relationship because she found someone else she wants to have sex with and wants to keep you/feels guilty and even though you don't want to date other people, says "but you should see who's out there!" to justify essentially cheating on you because she's giving you a "choice" to have sex with others, even though she knows full well you won't.

Sometimes parents just decide they like a nickname better. My cousin and her husband named their baby girl Leilani because she was conceived in Hawaii (which...........don't even get me started on naming your kid after where you had sex to make them and then telling the entire family that so the kid will never be able to think about their name without imagining their parents fucking), but then after she was born, decided to call her Midge just because they liked that name. It's not her middle name or a family name. MIDGE? How the hell do you get Midge from Leilani??????? And why even bother naming her Leilani if you're going to call her a totally unrelated name the rest of her life? How did we get from tropical vacation to 85-year-old grandmother? Drives me batty!

She's almost tolerable when not drinking and seems borderline coherent. I'm guessing she looks perpetually out of it because of weed. with that said, unhinged Logan definitely seems to have a stronger habit – I'm guessing crack or meth – so I wouldn't be surprised if she's dabbled. Apparently people who follow her social media say she's not pregnant in real time. The text was probably just a reference to the storyline on the show. The producers probably manufactured the entire pregnancy scare by encouraging the cast to talk about it and intentionally refusing to zoom in on the pregnancy test results so that it looked blurry and unclear. LOL! The Jenelle/vomit metaphor has never been more accurate after the road rage incident and her justifying her trash husband's homophobia.

Just stopping by to say all the shots of Kirk's vomit were revolting. Can't believe they just left it all over the wall/floor. Gag inducing. I love that Jeremiah waited outside to protect Kortni when Logan stormed into the house to confront her. He cares for her and would make a way better boyfriend, even though I know guys/girls can be just friends. Why even waste your time on a violent unstable douche when Jeremiah's right in front of you.

I know! I get that they would never spill actual kinks but I thought "that's what does it for you? that's all it takes to get you going?" Talk about vanilla! It was cute though. Almost too wholesome, like he's deflecting from a hardcore fetish like being dominated or watersports lol. It also made me laugh that Bobby mimicked Danielle's attempt at a sexy come on (however cheesy) as a man's voice. Clearly he hasn't been seduced by many women.

Take a shot every time Tristan says "a light lunch." Bobby: I'm in love with Danielle! Danielle: I'm in love with everything Bobby does for me! Danielle seems nice, but I think she's closed off and a bit skeptical from having to mother past boyfriends. She's so taken aback by Bobby pulling his own weight as a partner that she'll probably convince herself it's too good to be true and self-sabotage. Bobby looks like he wants affection and verbal affirmation, but Danielle's a little aloof. Amber's hair is blonde because she believes blondes are more desirable. I hate Tristan for making me imagine his donut blowjob.

I know, I meant a secondary reboot ;)

This episode was especially boring because if you couldn't get pregnant without intervention pre-vasectomy, there's no way in hell you're going to have an accidental pregnancy post-vasectomy. Hazel continues to be adorable.

I'm sorry, was arsonist Paul really wearing a bright orange "GUILTY" shirt?

As creepy as they are, I can't make fun of Michelle for this. Josie and poor little Jubilee had a terrible time. It must be awful knowing your age or other reproductive issues are threatening the health and lives of your children, especially when you believe your primary purpose in life is to carry children. Personally I would've stopped trying to have kids after all of Josie's complications, but I guess I can't fault her for trying since all her other pregnancies and babies seemed healthy. I was born at 25 weeks myself when my mom unexpectedly got an infection, so watching all the heartbreak and struggle that went along with the last two was painful for me. Although with their literal balls to the wall strategy with family planning, it was bound to happen eventually, so you can argue that Michelle was blatantly reckless at best and negligent at worst at the end of her reproductive life. She must feel her relevance fading the longer she goes without having babies in the house and the older her youngest kids get. That's the problem with only valuing yourself as a vessel.

I don't like that Max's departure has given Nev and Laura free rein to turn Catfish into their own personal nest egg and thinly veiled video diary of their marriage. At least the baby probably means she'll be too busy to sign on as official co-host and take Max's salary? I swear, at this rate we'll have an episode devoted to Laura's labor and Nev will shove that tiny camera up her hooha. I barely tolerate financing Nev's perpetual Peter Pan fuckery, much less Laura's.

You know it's time to shut it down when your older kids burst into tears of despair at your pregnancy announcement. I went to school with a kid who was one of nine (and not religious). It got to the point where the older kids (who were probably around 12-14) got actively pissed at their parents for getting pregnant because they never had enough space or food. Also I know plenty of families have big age gaps, and especially these families where the moms have babies back-to-back for 20-odd years, but something about your in-laws being infants makes it so much weirder. You're supposed to be throwing back beers with your brother-in-law, not changing his diapers.

I'm over the breathy sexy baby voice Lauren uses to croon "'Siahhhh...." whenever he shows up, does something romantic, or breathes.

"I have such horrible PTSD from my own reckless actions endangering the life of my young child!"

That awkward waking up scene of him shoving the tiny camera in her face looked borderline post-coital. She looked naked under the sheet. Honestly they should just can Catfish and become a YouTuber couple, because they're all about filming schmoopy video clips to remind everyone how in love they are. Laura seems nice, but they're so wrapped up in each other that the participants are incidental. At least Max gave a shit and laid it out when people got mouthy. We're watching Catfish, not Nev & Laura's Epic Love Adventures. Cam girls and sex workers will often offer a private Snapchat account for a fee, where subscribers have access to exclusive and/or private explicit photos and videos. Basically, dudes pay to jerk off to a hot stranger's nudes via Snapchat. I've only ever seen them as personal accounts run by individual women, but "Stoner Babes" (HARD cringe) suggests that premium accounts can also be group chats with multiple women's content organized by fetish/category. (which...stoner girls is a community/fetish? who knew.) The girls they were talking to were probably understandably cagey about admitting doing sex work on camera, especially since they're likely using Snapchat to avoid public stigma and scrutiny. Then Nev calls and brays "SO TELL ME ABOUT THAT PREMIUM SNAPCHAT ACCOUNT! You know, where you work?"

Also, what does Nessa add to any of these interviews...she's just as ditzy as the cast...she's the equivalent of an unqualified college girl being given an internship because she's the producer's niece or something.

Who among us hasn't grabbed a friend's crotch to say "we're totally platonic and not having sex!"? ;)

Yeah, I mean for plenty of bi people it's just a sexual thing, but she was weirdly adamant about insisting that she'd not only never dated Dom, but they'd neveRRR had sex.... which, isn't that all you'd want from her? Why emphasize the lack of sex if you'd rather deny dating her? It just felt like an unnecessarily cold and bizarrely homophobic reaction to demean their relationship. She practically denies knowing someone she dated for 4-6 months, whereas Chris is apparently her first love/love of her life despite him ghosting her after two weeks and a hot shower. . Dom also claimed she got tested for STIs post-Javi cheating reveal, so...

For being bi, Kail sure was quick to de-legitimize her relationship with Dom by claiming she never had sex with her. Almost like she was embarrassed to admit she'd actually dated a woman, which is weird given she'd already stated her preferences on camera. I think Dom was so clingy, she's throwing her away, but Chris doesn't give a shit, so she's "in love." Being a douchebag serial dater is "love addiction" now? These people pathologize everything.

Maeby was easily the MVP of this semi-season, so I was pissed that her plot was about accidentally sleeping with a minor. Very cheap comedy. Friends did that with Monica in 1995 and it was cringey then. A waste of Alia Shawkat's talents. Not to mention uncomfortable in the #MeToo era. Holy fuck, Michael Cera is aging poorly. He looks older than Jason Bateman. It was also hard to watch their scenes together after seeing a red carpet interview from a few years ago where Michael Cera called Jason Bateman "a great actor but gigantic asshole" who bullied him relentlessly on set as a child. They were one of my favorite father/son dynamics. Is everything we love tainted??????? Alia Shawkat is too good for this show. It's a shame that her comedic chops are wasted on basically being the object of everyone's unsavory lust. She's drop dead GORGEOUS. Michael Cera was my childhood crush, so it's ironic that my cousin crush (sorry) has totally switched. And fuck all the older male cast for gaslighting Jessica Walters while she cried (JB especially and Tony Hale, but Will Arnett doesn't get a pass for me either for essentially whistling and looking the other way during that garbage fire interview.) It's a shame that Arrested Development seems like just another petulantly misogynistic boys' club but it gets swept under the rug because comedy and liberalism. Did not like how the GOB/Tony romance was played for laughs, even if Will Arnett is portraying the confusion in a sincere, awkwardly sweet way.

Carole Ann is the human embodiment of belligerent sexual tension, even if it's self-created lol. It's definitely a kink that tightly wound professional women get off on berating and being in control. Josh seems to mutually get off on her cat and mouse game and never knowing where they stand. He's a sub for sure lmao

Anne's illnesses were funnier than usual. Did not enjoy all the pregnancy slapstick (why would you need to actively struggle to "hold in" a baby when you're not in active labor? All the huffing and crossing her legs just made Carole Anne look constipated and any bodily function related comedy makes me cringe in general.) That said, the baby's chyron of "Baby Woman" made me laugh. Dwayne continues to be the MVP. Podcast Girlfriend fizzled out with a whimper and did they even kiss? Not sure why they tried to make her a love interest. This show is too obscure to be saved, but I'll remember it fondly.

And bought a vibrator.

That Drake reunion video is epic. Nice to see him finally acknowledging his Degrassi days and moving past his Wheelchair Jimmy embarrassment. Although seeing everyone really does highlight how little the rest of the OGs have done with their acting careers. Miriam had a Lost Girl and then Orphan Black bit part and I know Jake was on Designated Survivor and did some plays, but I've never seen the rest of them in anything (not counting the Cassie Steele network nepotism with The LA Complex). Stacey Farber was in a banking app commercial as a woman who offends her cat. Tbh I didn't even remember who Ephram Ellis was. But chasing Rick down was hilarious. It must be hard for the rest of the cast as former child stars still grinding after a decade to cobble together a legitimate adult acting career to watch one of your cast mates become an international celebrity and multi-billionaire. I hope he is friends with them irl. Color me shocked this show is still kickin'. It just feels like such a distinctly Millennial thing. They would've been better off taking it off the air in 2008 or whenever the two original classes graduated and then doing a nostalgia reboot again in another ten years. AJ Saudin came out of nowhere and has been smoking hot the last 5 years. Easily the hottest former cast member.