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Quotes: "Out of My Way, Tool of the State!"

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My favorite from Malvo:


"Some roads you shouldn't go down.  Because maps used to say 'there be dragons here.' Now they don't, but that don't mean the dragons aren't there."

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Ed: Okay then.
Bud: Okay then. Noreen!
Noreen: Hmm?
Bud: Ed's leaving.
Noreen: Okay then.
Ed: Okay then.
Bud: Okay then.
Noreen: Okay then.

Lou: Hank's thinking botched robbery.
Karl: That's what they want you to think.
Sonny: Who?
Karl: They. The powers that be.

Karl: Tell [Betsy] that if John McCain could hold out for five and a half years against Viet Cong thumb screws, she can beat this cancer bull shit.

Ed: Hamburger Helper?
Peggy: And tater tots!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Hank: What size shoes you boys wear?
Mike: Now that is a truly odd question. Last time I checked I was a 10. Boys?
[the Kitchens proceed to each give Hank the finger]
Mike: I'm gonna go ahead and guess the boys are an 11 and not a 2 which would make them toddlers.

[Charlie opening "get well" cards for Otto]
Charlie: Injun Joe sent porn.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Everything Karl said in 2x06 was gold:


Karl: Greetings and salutations! I have made the pilgrimage from the hall of veterans as George Washington once forded the Delaware: steely in my resolve, prepared to battle until my dying breath for the rights--

Denise (calling out): Lawyer's here.

Karl: (aside, casually)Hey, Denise--for the rights of free men!

Police officer: Hey Karl, Ed's in back.

Karl: Rights that were squeezed from British oppression like water like a stone. That all men are created equal, free from the jackboot tyranny and gulag magic tricks of nameless, faceless committees.

Lou: Hey. Hope they didn't wake you.

Karl: Out of my way, tool of the state! (Continuing, loudly) For I am come to comfort and counsel my client even as you seek to imprison him--

Lou: Whatever you do, you've got 30 minutes.

Karl: Don't dictate terms to me, you rogue. For the law is a light on a hill calling to its breast all those in search of justice. To wit, this poor, mottled wretch in front of me.

Ed: Hey, Karl.


The most hilarious part to me is the casual, unruffled greetings exchanged all while Karl is ranting about the evil oppression of the state. Karl referring to the freckled Ed as "mottled" as if he was some kind of duck was also hilarious.


The runner-up is Lou being 100% done with Bear's bullshit:


Lou: This kind of thing didn't work in Westerns, and it's not going to work tonight.

Edited by Eyes High
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Lou: This kind of thing didn't work in Westerns, and it's not going to work tonight.

I loved this line. Even though they're dangerous, on some level Lou knows that the Gerhardts are kind of small potatoes compared to the KC mob

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I'm laughing out loud all over again at many of these. The show is probably the richest treasure trove of quotable lines in television history!


Reading the Karl quotes underlines for me that Nick Offerman is not one of those actors who disappears, chameleon-like, into every role. No, he is always different shades of Nick Offerman--and that's what's wonderful about him, and that no one would have any other way. You know that in this case the casting came first, then the writing happened.

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Peggy: Foot's on the other shoe now.
Dodd: Shut up!
Peggy: Oh, now that's just rude.
Dodd: I got four daughters, you know. I'm not a bad guy.
Peggy: You called me a whore. I heard.
Dodd: I swear to Christ when I'm free, you're going to see the back of my hand.
Peggy: We're going to be spending some time together, so you need to be civil.
Dodd: Go to hell.
[Peggy stabs Dodd]
Dodd: OW! BITCH! Bitch!
[Peggy stabs Dodd again]
Peggy: What did I just say? You gonna be nice?
Dodd: Okay, okay!
Peggy: Good. Now I'm making beans. You want some beans?
Dodd: No.
Peggy: No WHAT?
Dodd: No, thank you.
Peggy: That's better.

Peggy: Oh wait, you said you didn't want beans, didn't you?
Dodd: No, it's okay. They're good.
Ed: Did you stab the hostage?
Peggy: I had to teach him some manners is all.
Dodd: I'm hurt real bad. I think she punctured a lung.
Ed: You gotta stop stabbing him.
Dodd: I think Satan is a woman. Think about it.

Mike: If I kiss you when we meet, would that be inappropriate?
Ed: What? I don't-
Mike: Nothing, just, well, it's been a day.
Ed: No funny business, you hear? I've killed people before and I'm not afraid to do it again. Maybe you've heard of me? The butcher of Leverne?
Mike: I have heard of you. And may I say? Brother, I like your style.

Hanzee: I'm looking for a redhead.
Cashier: Well, uh, not sure I can help you there,
Hanzee: Redhead, heavyset.
Cashier: Okay, well, there's a bar a mile or so up the road. You could potentially meet that type of girl there.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
because a show is not the same as a shoe.
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Ohwell's 2015 Quote of the Year Award:


Runner up:

Karl:  "Out of my way, tool of the state!"



Hank:  "You're a little touched, aren't ya?"


Honorable Mention:  

Lou:  "People are DEAD, Peggy!"

Edited by Ohwell
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Ray: Your last stretch was six and a half [years] for breaking into rich folks' digs and stealing their flat screens.
Maurice: Allegedly.
Ray: No, moron. How it works is when they convict you, it turns into a fact.

Maurice: You ever think about how they never put a morgue on the top floor of a hospital? I notice stuff like that. It's always in the basement. It's like its own elevator.

Maurice: Where does the President of the United States buy his clothes? Do they shut down like a whole JC Penney just so he can try on a suit?
Therapist: There's a tailor. He comes to the White House.
Maurice: Now, see, I didn't know that.

Therapist: So when you say your parole officer was mean to you before, how does that make you feel?
Maurice: You know. Just...not good.

Gloria: Don't forget you're at your dad's this weekend. He and Dale are going to take you to the symphony.
Nathan: So is Dale my other dad now?
Gloria: Well, no. I mean, he and your dad haven't been together that long. But if they got married-
Ennis: Not legal, is it? Two men.
Gloria: If they did, well, you know how Ennis here is my stepfather. He married my mom after grandpa passed. Well, I guess Dale would become your stepfather. I think. I honestly don't know how it works.
Ennis: I know how it works in the Bible.
[Gloria gives Ennis a look]
Gloria: Another beer, pops?
Ennis: Now you're speaking English.

Ray: My steely gaze striking fear into the hearts of the elderly.

Nikki: Ray, there's a man in my bathroom.
Ray: Now let's not jump to any conclusions.
Nikki: You're saying he's not a man or he's not in my bathroom?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Nikki: Keeping our faces slightly absurd.
Ray: Obscured.

Nikki: For Pete's sake, I'm wearing a hooker wig! That's gotta be bad luck.

Varga: A fat woman is inherently untrustworthy as she is a sensualist who sees no real difference between a pastrami sandwich and a dick in the mouth.

Varga: A chicken is an egg's way of making another egg.

Sy: After all, how much money does one man need?
Ruby: A lot, actually. Women, more so.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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19 hours ago, Magic said:

. . . Loved Sy's response to being accused to being in cahoots with Nikki (like some posters also have thought).  That I decided to what? Turn on you? Join forces with your leptard brother and his syphilitic floozy so I could turn millions into thousands?”  

I will laugh at this quote the rest of my life.

Really one thing this season has been very good for is quotes.  

Edited to say that I hope someone is collecting all the good quotes and putting them in the Fargo quote thread.

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