Santa Clarita Diet - General Discussion

[aussieinsydney]

I'm so bummed that this was cancelled! One of my all time favourites!

[Lady Calypso]

It hasn't been cancelled yet, so I still hold out hope that it has another season left.

[Sakura12]

Yeah I would've expected the cast would've said something if had been officially cancelled. 

[Valny]

Effing Netflix!  I thought this was a popular show for them and was pretty confident for a fourth season.  I didn't even finish this season yet, so now I am really going to take my time with it seeing that will be the end. Waaaa!

[snowwhyte]

https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/ustv/a27291894/netflix-santa-clarita-diet-cancelled-drew-barrymore-axe/

it seems like the cancellation came as a shock to the cast and crew. I am very disappointed. It's one of the funniest shows out at the moment and unlike a lot of shows it is well-written. There are so many great, quotable lines and the actors are all very impressive.

I tend to get Netflix for a month or two to catch up on something I want to watch then cancel it for a while. This time I renewed my membership mainly for Santa Clarita Diet. I have now cancelled my membership again and given this cancellation as my reason. Normally if a show I like gets cancelled i hope that Netflix will pick it up but this definitely feels like the end. 

[gaucho91]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[Chaos Theory]

This is why I think Netflix will ultimately lose in the streaming wars.   It is not that they don’t have the online content.  They actually do.  The problem is that they cancel their own content after two or three seasons and call it a success.   I would rather spend my limited funds on a service that I know has a better chance of following through on a show to the end for better and worse.

Edited April 27, 2019 by Chaos Theory

[Cementhead]

We weren't thrilled with this season, still have 2 episodes left to go and usually binge them all at once.  But we loved the first season and thought season two was even better.  The cast on this show has been amazing.  The writing has been so clever and smart.  Definitely sorry to see it go. 

And yeah, I will add another F-You to netflix.  They are starting to really piss people off. 

Edited April 27, 2019 by Cementhead
Because F-You netflix

[Sakura12]

What is Netflix thinking. Everyone is going to start having streaming services. If they keep canceling the shows that are the reason I'm keeping my sub, what reason do I need to keep them. I'll stop checking out their shows and cancel and spend money on the others.

[Lady Calypso]

The other big issue is that Netflix used to be known for at least giving their shows a closure if they did end. They never ended their shows on a cliffhanger when they had the quality over quantity factor. But now that they have dozens of shows out and dozens of shows in production, it's harder to do that...but they're also making their long term customers suffer with cancelling their older shows. They're competing with several streaming services right now, and with more coming out. Cancelling their older shows to try to make gold with newer shows isn't the way to do it, because they're just driving people away. Of course people like me are starting to look at other streaming services! When they cancel shows like this, it makes me less inclined to stick around. 

[Sakura12]

I got them canceling the Marvel shows since Disney + is about to take away half their content. But shows like One Day at Time and Santa Clarita Diet were not about to go to some competition. I'm not going to be inclined to check out any of their new shows if they keep canceling the shows I already watch to have those new shows. 

[Evie]

I’m so bummed. This was such a fun show and kept getting better and better. 

I’m really tired of Netflix cancelling shows I like, but what makes it particularly frustrating IMO is that they don’t release any numbers so who knows what their criteria is or what's considered successful for any given show. 

Edited April 27, 2019 by Evie

[Kel Varnsen]

I get that for netflix the whole business model pretty mush requires them to keep having the new hot show that gets tons of buzz and drives new subscribers. But at the same time, having a bunch of shows in your library that don't get a proper ending is going to hurt things too since new subscribers are going to be less likely to try an older show if it isn't a full story. So I wonder why they don't give these shows the option to come back for a final episode or 2 to finish things off?

[Sakura12]

15 minutes ago, Kel Varnsen said:

I get that for netflix the whole business model pretty mush requires them to keep having the new hot show that gets tons of buzz and drives new subscribers. But at the same time, having a bunch of shows in your library that don't get a proper ending is going to hurt things too since new subscribers are going to be less likely to try an older show if it isn't a full story. So I wonder why they don't give these shows the option to come back for a final episode or 2 to finish things off?

They do if fans scream loudly enough. Sense8 was cancelled and Netflix brought it back for a 2 hour movie to finish it. That show only had 2 seasons. It may not have been the most popular show ever but it was probably the most diverse show on television. Certainly the show with the most representation and international appeal. 

If they are only going to give shows 2 to 3 seasons and not tell them that they are going to really start losing out to other streaming services. 

[Blue Plastic]

Well, hell.  I just heard about this.  I get that Netflix's business model is a little different and it's in flux right, but surely it can't help them if people realize that any shows they like could be cancelled at any time with no satisfying ending, just like regular old network TV.

Netflix you suck!  Why did they let this show end on such a cliffhanger?  I'm hoping they'll allow an episode or two to finish it off or the writers will at least give us a general idea of what was going on with Mr. Ball Legs.

I actually thought this season was not as good as the first two BUT the ending really grabbed my attention and I was all in for whenever season 4 would have dropped.  Alas.

[Anela]

8 hours ago, Sakura12 said:

What is Netflix thinking. Everyone is going to start having streaming services. If they keep canceling the shows that are the reason I'm keeping my sub, what reason do I need to keep them. I'll stop checking out their shows and cancel and spend money on the others.

Yeah, same here. I kept Netflix because of Gilmore Girls, and because of all of the shows I have yet to watch, that are on there for a long time, come and go, or their own shows that I know should be there as long as I have the subscription. The whole point of keeping it was that I thought they would let all of their shows come to a proper end - there were so many people that wanted them to pick up other cancelled shows, and finish them, or let them continue. If they're going to pull the same crap as network TV, then I'm done. 

[AnimeMania]

3 hours ago, Kel Varnsen said:

I get that for netflix the whole business model pretty mush requires them to keep having the new hot show that gets tons of buzz and drives new subscribers. But at the same time, having a bunch of shows in your library that don't get a proper ending is going to hurt things too since new subscribers are going to be less likely to try an older show if it isn't a full story. So I wonder why they don't give these shows the option to come back for a final episode or 2 to finish things off?

Most of the new shows on Netflix are just shows that aired in other countries, a lot of them were cancelled and don't really have a satisfying conclusion. Netflix really screwed themselves when they started paying comedians so much money just to do a special. They would have been better off buying a whole bunch of old comedy specials from lots of different countries.

[pootlus]

They have become fairly aggressive lately - they cancelled Daredevil when a lot of people hadn't even started watching the season (although as already noted, that's because of the Disney brouhaha).

I'm really gutted about this.  Not giving the show enough notice to not land on a cliffhanger? Not even giving them a wrap-up (which they could easily do)? Get fucked, Netflix, seriously.  I've canned my account and told them why.

[AntiBeeSpray]

On 4/20/2019 at 1:21 PM, non sequitur said:

I saw the news on another website and was really shocked. Not thrilled about the recent Netflix cancellation spree, especially of popular shows.

I just heard about it too. Never watched any of the shows as I don't have Netflix, but I feel bad for you guys. It really, really sucks when shows are cancelled.

Wondering if any of the cancellations are money related, ie: Netflix doesn't want to pay cast/crew more.

[Katalina]

Just now learned of the cancellation of this wonderful show. So much quotable dialog! It seems Netflix has a business structure that makes producing successful shows more expensive after the third season, so they just pull the shows. Not a good decision. Winner shows are what make your network, you dimwits!

[Kel Varnsen]

1 hour ago, Katalina said:

Winner shows are what make your network, you dimwits!

I am not sure that is true, or at least I am not sure that is what Netflix thinks. Just using my own example cancling Santa Clarita is probably not going to be what causes me to cancel my subscription. I am sure that is the same for a lot of people. And at this point a 4th season of an established show probably isn't going to be something that increases subscribers. So in Netflix's eyes it doesn't really lead to an increase in revenue. But if they launch a new show instead and it gets really popular right out of the gate, that absolutely could lead to a big increase in subscribers, many of whom probably won't cancel when that hot new show ends. The problem is if you end up with too many shows without proper endings, then people will be less likely to sign up and check them out when they are new.

[Anela]

I found out before I went to sleep in the early hours of this morning, and went to the site to their section for requesting shows - typed "Renew Santa Clarita Diet" in all three boxes.

I haven't watched the new season yet, because we've had two birthdays here, and I made a stupid decision to try to binge Homeland, on a free trial of youtube TV. Seven seasons is too much. I had started Santa Clarita from the beginning, just before my birthday, planning to watch it all since it's easy to binge. Damn it. I did wonder if not watching it right away, played into their decision - if a lot of people did that, instead of jumping in right away (which I usually do). 

[Katalina]

Yes, Kel, I think that is their model---that established shows don't actually bring the returns that new shows do. But does everything need to be the bean-counter mentality? Plus, if there are established shows, with good resolutions, doesn't that become part of their library, which is viewed by new viewers? And, isnt' there something of an artistic obligation, to finish a show without a cliffhanger? (I hope I don't sound too naive, with the "artistic obligation" remark...)

[Katalina]

Anela----how do I find the "request shows" part of Netflix online? I'd like to add my vote!

[Katalina]

Never mind, I found it.

[newyawk]

I am pissssssssssed AF!!!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.1

Abby: Now Anne thinks Mom is a god?
Joel: Not exactly. She believes your mother was chosen by God to do his work on earth by killing evil doers.
Abby: And then eating them.
Joel: She doesn't know about that part.

Sheila: Today we just have to kill a Nazi.
Joel: And lucky for us, now there are more of them than ever.

Joel: I think we should limit Anne in our lives. If she realizes that we're killing people for food and not for God she might not like us anymore.
Sheila: On the other hand, the Bible says, "If God giveth you a minion, use her."
Joel: It also says, "Please, baby, don't involve Anne. You're going to get us all killed."
Sheila: You know what would be funny? Is if misquoting the Bible was the thing we went to hell for.

Eric: I won't be denied. Unless my partner puts out any signal that this is not what she wants and then I will absolutely stop and call an Uber or another ride-sharing app that treats women better.

Lisa: And you take care of her needs, right? Otherwise, you're just a monkey in a jungle.

Anne: Why do you think God chose you to do his work?
Sheila: I don't know. I mean, he's a great guy, but not much of an explainer.

Sheila: Don't tell anybody.
Anne: But I want to spread the word! You rose from the dead. You can grant eternal life. People should know.
Sheila: I disagree. People get weird. You only found out last night and you've already shot me twice and stabbed me with a fork.

Radul: So, Janko, tell me this. Would you rather have all your teeth taken out or keep them all but file them into points? 
Janko: Points. 
Radul: I agree. Would you rather be attacked by two 15-year-olds or 15 two-year-olds?
Joel: Hello. I'm Roy Eastman.
Radul: One moment. And the two-year-olds have a dog.
Janko: Dog for me is a non-issue because I'm good with the dogs. Although it may make the two-year-olds braver.

Dobrivoje: A clam farm is blown up, someone was looking for Serbian bile, and now this man comes in. I don't think he was medieval scholar. 
Radul: No. You don't lock a face like that up in a library.

Eric: I love night vision goggles. They take the guesswork out of crime.

Sheila: Do you mind if I lick your gun so that I can demonstrate an unhealthy male fantasy of a sexually dangerous woman?

Eric: I love avocado.
Abby: It's my favorite sandwich topping. 
Eric: It's so goddamn buttery.

Edited May 29, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.2

Joel: Ron's not my friend. We just shared a room in a mental hospital where I told him my deepest secrets and comforted him when he cried.

Sheila: I hope we don't have to kill Ron. He seems sweet.
Joel: People can be sweet and dangerous. Example: us. Also, koala bears.

Joel: Your monkey bread smells of fear.

Sheila: We are going to get that listing. Judy Humbolt and I go way back. Once at summer camp, she got homesick so I stayed up all night braiding her hair.
Christa: Aww, I finger banged her into her first orgasm at her brother's bar mitzvah party.
Chris: L'chaim, bitches!

Abby: We have a problem. Remember when Sven and I went to the fracking site on our date?
Eric: Omigawd. You're pregnant.
Abby, Yes, and it's triplets. I'm naming them Hey, Idiot, and Pay Attention.

Eric: Want me to rough him up or just talk to him? Keep in mind I'm only capable of one of those things.

Ron: I think there's just one [Knight of Serbia] for each region of the country. Paul has California, Arizona, and the Vegas strip. Obviously, the Knights are not immune to gerrymandering. 

Abby: You're Winter, right? I saw you at the fundraiser. You made the lemon squares that were so good Amanda threw her batch down the stairs.
Winter: Yeah, people think just cause I have a shitty attitude, I can't bake.
Abby: People can be more than one thing. Abraham Lincoln invented the pancake.

Sheila: Maybe you're just a pessimist.
Joel: Or maybe I'm a realist. I did tell you in college that your Beanie Baby collection would have no value so you should just take the tags off and have fun.

Sheila: We're Belle and Sebastian. A brother-sister doctor-nurse team.
Paul: What can I do for you, doctor?
Joel: Why do you assume she's the doctor? 
Sheila: Why wouldn't he? 
Joel: It's just I'm curious what about me says nurse to you.
Paul: I don't know. Kind eyes, upper body strength.
Joel: Oh, well then, thank you.

Paul: Omigawd. I've never met another Knight of Serbia before. I mean, I exchanged pie recipes once with a knight in Florida, but she went paleo and then we lost touch.

Joel: You won't be hunting the undead anymore?
Paul: No. I'm hanging up my rocket launcher, which is a good thing because the rockets are stupid expensive and you have to buy them from, like, the worst people.

[arrow hits wall]
Paul: Tommy, goddamnit!
Tommy: You had a moth. You come into my house and you try to eat my woolens? Fuck you!

Eric: I'm breaking up with you, Abby.
Abby: You're breaking up with me?
Eric: I'm sorry. I tried to make it work, but I can't be with just one female. I'm like a blue tongue skink in that way.
Abby: Gawd, I'm going to miss your deep sexy knowledge of lizards.

Anne: It's Anne! You guys home?
Joel: So she just walks into our house now?
Anne: I got you a Costco chicken!
Joel: Fuck yeah!

Edited May 29, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

I wanted to binge watch S3 the weekend that it was released but real life got in the way so I kept putting it off thinking that I would have a free weekend to watch all the episodes. I finally decided that I'd rather watch a little at a time instead of waiting any longer. I missed this show so much. I loved Tim Olyphant in Deadwood and Justified but I love him in this comedic role even more. He looks like he's having so much fun. I have also missed snarky Abby.

I love that Chris and Christa are back because I love Joel McHale and I miss Psych, but I liked how they brought in even more recognizable guest stars/recurring characters like Goran Visnjic, Zachary Knighton, Ethan Suplee, and Dominic Burgess.

As much as I enjoy the actual plots, I really like the smaller moments like Joel being annoyed that Anne just walked into their house (although, HELLO, if you don't want that to happen, maybe try locking your front door) and then being super excited because she brought them a Cost Co chicken.

I'm only two episodes in but now that I know the show has been canceled I kind of want to watch this season slowly since we won't be getting any more episodes after this.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.3

Principal Novak: I encourage each of you to share whatever observations you have made of suspicious behavior amongst your fellow environmentalists. No detail is too small to leave out. No bond is too strong to be violated.

Joel: I was thinking about Gary. Did you see how excited he got when he was coming up with ideas for our company? I know it's crazy, but what if we make him our first employee? Hook him up with a headset and Alexa. We wouldn't have to give him health insurance. Or even a chair.

Joel: What do you want to do now? 
Sheila: I don't know. Want to have sex?
Joel: Might seem a little disrespectful.
Sheila: Yeah. Hand stuff?
Joel: Okay. Let me just grab a coconut water and a power bar.

Joel: Have you killed Christa yet?
Tommy: No. Traffic was terrible so I stopped for a sandwich. 

Christa: I didn't answer the door because I was meditating in my serenity room and didn't want to deal with poorly dressed a-holes like you.

Anne: I know that you think that you just woke up one morning and this random thing happened to you, but that is exactly what a miracle is.

Joel: Sheila wants to bite me so we'll always be together.
Gary: Whoa. Do you want to be undead?
Joel: I want to be with her, but killing people and eating them - like even their butts and stuff?
Gary: Oh, don't worry. When you're undead, butts will taste like - well, they'll taste like butts, but you'll be way into it.

Dobrivoje: Where did Roy Eastman Kodak go next?
Janko: We followed Tommy.
Dobrivoje: You follow the one not in charge, whose address you already knew?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.4

Abby: Your FBI interview is today?
Eric: Yeah. Leslie's having hers right now. She'll text me when she's out and tell me all the questions so I can prepare. 
Abby: Okay, let's talk about our alibi. 
Eric: Okay. So the night of the fracking site explosion, we were right here playing Settlers of Catan.
Abby: No. 
Eric: No, come on. It's easy to remember. I had dominion over three terrain hexes, but you were rich in grain and had a port city.
Abby: No.
Eric: But land control simulation games are my comfort zone.
Abby: At some point, they're going to interview me too, so our alibi needs to be something we can both remember and I would rather die in prison than learn the rules of this game.
Eric: All right. We were watching a movie, but it has to be on DVD because the FBI can't track that. 
Abby: Great. 
Eric: I have the Lord of the Rings trilogy or the instructional DVD that came with my Settlers of Catan expansion pack.
Abby: Jesus Christ. Okay, we were watching Lord of the Rings.
Eric: Yes! So, you know during the prologue when Sauron forged the one ring?
Abby: You put on a DVD and I fell asleep immediately. That's our alibi.

Eric: Leslie just got out of her interview. Oh, God. Oh, gawd, she says the FBI found a footprint at the fracking site.
Abby: Okay, don't freak out. We'll be okay. We threw out the shoes we wore that night
Eric: Abby, they could still trace our footprint based on our shoe size.
Abby: Okay, so we wear shoes to our interviews that are bigger than what we really wear.
Eric: That's good. That's good. I like that.
Abby: Okay, I'll pick some up at Goodwill so they look used. What size are you? 
Eric: Eight and a half.
Abby: Huh. Okay.
Eric: Why? What are you?
Abby: Doesn't matter. I'll pick some up.
Eric: Do we have the same size feet?
Abby: I wish.
Eric: Your feet are bigger than mine. 
Abby: Why are we talking about this? 
Eric: I'll drop it. I better do it across the room, so it doesn't land on your toes.
Abby: What's that, baby feet?
Eric: I regret initiating this.

Sheila: Trish, I wish I could help you, but I don't have any special powers. I can wake up in the middle of the night and tell the time within about 20 minutes of the actual time, but that's it.
Trish: Oh. Well, maybe I shouldn't have come. Lots of people get divorced, right?
Sheila: Fifty percent.
Trish: And not everyone gets along with their exes.
Sheila: No. That's why they're exes.
Trish: Certainly, I'm not the only woman whose husband ridiculed her and made her feel small and not very smart and when she finally left him, stole her cat and froze her bank accounts and insisted that she come back because he is the only man who could love somebody like her and she's lost and lonely and starting to think maybe he's right. Anyway, I'll figure it out. It was really nice to meet you.
Sheila: Hang on. Listen to me. Fuck that worthless fucking piece of fuck. You deserve better and you're not going back to him unless it's to kick him in the balls so hard, they dangle out his nostrils.
Trish: Wow. They don't talk like you in the Bible.
Sheila: I'm okay with that. Now you need someone to stay with you. Someone you trust. Don't say me.
Trish: Uh, my coworker, Vicky. Although, she can be very judgy.
Sheila: Good. Call that bitch, Vicky.

Joel: What are you doing here?
Ramona: Looking for Mr. Ball Legs. Sheila texted me he was sick, so I drove down from Seattle.
Sheila: How'd you get in?
Ramona: The lock on your side door is broken - now. So where is he?
Sheila: I keep him in the closet under the stairs because he freaks Joel out.
Joel: He's a mucous-covered peach pit with spindly legs and I'm more of a cat person.

Joel: [Mr. Ball Legs] might not be able to see you since he has no eyes.
Ramona: What are you talking about? He's covered with eyes. He just keeps them closed except at night.
Joel: Oh, gawd. Get it out of here.
Ramona: Hey, little guy. I'm back. You remember me!
Sheila: Aww, that's so sweet. Look how happy they are.
Joel: It's covered with eyes. Please don't take him out. Okay, people eat here.
Sheila: It's like that video when a soldier comes home and the Golden Retriever goes crazy.
Joel: Except the dog is covered with eyes.
Sheila: You should never go scuba diving. You'd make a lot of sea creatures feel shitty about themselves.

Ramona: Eric, I want to apologize for trying to kidnap you the last time I was here. That was wrong of me. 
Eric: It happens. 
Abby: I mean, does it, though?

Ramona: I also missed you, Eric. Meow, meow, sexy panther purr.
Eric: Oh. It's nice to see you too, Ramona. Ruff, ruff, dog tail wag.

Abby: Please tell me you're not going to have sex with your ex-kidnapper. You have your FBI interview. Is that not enough danger for one day?
Eric: I know. I think I just got caught up with the idea of being that guy who's had sex more than once.

Eric: I'll share my feelings with Ramona.
Abby: Are you sure you can handle her?
Eric: Can I handle girl stuff? No, but I really want to try.

Joel: Now how do we lure a raging misogynist to the kill room?
Sheila: Maybe we tell him there's a woman in there who's posting her opinions on the internet.

Lisa: Anne left me. She said something about being in the middle of a spiritual reawakening and needing to have time to reflect, or some bullshit. All I know is I got dumped. Where's your liquor? 
Joel: At 11am?
Lisa: Why? Does it move around during the day?

Lisa: What I need to find is a support group for first-time lesbians, who have been abandoned by Christian law enforcement officers.

Sheila: When Bob Zekeman gets here, you're going to have to say some pretty ugly things about women to make him feel comfortable. Are you okay with that?
Joel: No. That's the right answer, right?
Sheila: It wasn't a test, but you passed.
Joel: Maybe we should just hang back. We didn't say racist things to the Nazis. We just let them do the talking until you ripped out their throats.

Sheila: I hope Bob's a smoker. It tastes like barbecue. Texas style.

Eric: I feel like I'm going to school today, but my feet are in court defending the Rosenbergs.

Sheila: Is it too sparse? What other decor supports an anti-woman aesthetic?
Joel: A "no girls allowed" sign? 
Sheila: Feels like a kid's tree-house. 
Joel: I hear it, too. Say what you will about the Nazis, at least they had agreed upon iconography.
Bob: Hello? I'm Bob Zekeman. Hi! I got an email about a men's rights group. Am I in the right place?
Sheila: Yep. You're in the men's rights place. We meet in this storage unit because it's just outside the restraining order zones of all our members.
Bob: Why is she here? I thought there'd be no girls allowed.
Sheila: I'll tell you why I'm here. I hate women. With their higher voices and their neater handwriting. Oh, I'm sorry, am I going on and on? Typical woman. Hate 'em. Won't you come in and sit?
Bob: What's with the plastic?
Joel: It's for the group after us. They're painters.
Sheila: Yeah, they do a lot of splatter art.

Bob: I'm really glad I'm here. The world is so unsafe for men right now. You know, you can't even help a woman anymore, you know? I constantly told my wife what she was doing wrong. Did she appreciate it? No. And when things got heated, who do you think the cops believed? Her. Her coworkers. And one security camera. I'll tell you, I had the last laugh. I stole her stupid cat and I renamed it Puss Tard.

Bob: Women and their ridiculous diets. Hey, sweetheart, it doesn't matter if you lose 10 pounds. You're always gonna look over 30.
Sheila: Wait your fucking turn, Bob!

Abby: Hi, Ramona. I brought you some things for your drive back to Seattle - a national park pass, an air freshener, an Eagles CD that my dad should not be playing anymore.

Ramona: Just so we're clear, is that another gift or are you threatening to kill me?
Abby: I think you know.
Ramona: No, I don't. I'm not great with social cues.
Abby: Seriously? Just seems kind of obvious. It's completely different from everything else I brought.
Ramona: Now I feel like you're shaming me for not being great with social cues.

Edited June 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.5

Jean: You're here hoping that if you're nice to a old lady three days a week, you can do whatever the fuck you want the rest of the time without feeling bad about it.
Sheila: I was told it was only two days a week.

Joel: Are you eating Ron's baby teeth?
Sheila: They're like stale cornets, but I can't stop eating them. They're exactly like stale cornets.

Sheila: I keep thinking about what Anne said. Maybe I have been chosen for something greater.
Joel: Chosen by God?
Sheila: I don't know, maybe. God, the universe, Oprah. Whatever you want to call her.

Sheila: Yesterday, I helped Trish stay out of an abusive relationship, and got her cat back. I want to do more shit like that.
Joel: I know, but look what happened with me and Ron. You help one guy one time at a mental hospital, and suddenly he's in your house, asking to be bitten. These things can snowball.

Sheila: Remember, we're Belle and Sebastian, a brother-sister doctor-nurse team from the Midwest.
Joel: Actually, Sebastian just passed his medical boards, so now he's a doctor too.
Sheila: Why does being a nurse bother you so much?
Joel: I want to be a doctor.

Tommy: There are no files, Belle and Sebastian. Or should I say Sheila and Joelle?
Joel: It's pronounced Joel.
Tommy: Stop lying to me!

Joel: We have to kill [Tommy] first.
Sheila: I don't want to kill someone who has a daughter.
Joel: We have a daughter and he wants to kill you. And we've had ours longer.

Joel: You know that the the post office used to deliver twice a day? That's how much this country once valued communication.
Sheila: I don't think we need mail twice a day.
Joel: No. That's why they stopped.

Lisa: So to this day, I'm still not allowed in any Benihana in southern California. 
Tess: Even though you only hurt yourself?
Lisa: Well I ruined a lot of food.

Eric: Don't you need a search warrant? I mean, we have nothing to hide, but it is in the Bill of Rights, and who are we to question the wisdom of the founding fathers? Madison, Jefferson, Franklin-
Abby: Hamilton.
Eric: Actually, Hamilton was opposed to the Bill of Rights.
Abby: Really? 
Eric: Oh, yeah, really.

Lisa: Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be getting to my Pilates class, because I'm newly single and suddenly everyone else is 24.

Abby: By the way what the fuck does it matter what Hamilton thought of the Bill of Rights?
Eric: Well, it was an early flash point in the conflict between Federalists and anti-Federalists. You're right, it doesn't matter.

Tommy: But you're undead.
Sheila: So what? Everybody's something.

Tommy: I thought killing the undead was going to be different. I thought it'd be more "yeah" and less "aww."

Tommy: Screw my brother. I'm going to live my own life. I'm going to go to culinary school or sail around the world or become a doula or work in a bird store.
Joel: You don't have to decide right now.
Tommy: I know, but I think it's going to be the bird store.
Joel: Cool. Awesome choice.

Joel: It's Gary. 
Sheila: He's texting from the basement?
Joel: He really mastered that Alexa and iPad.
Sheila: There's no better time in history to not have a body.

Gary: I heard a commotion. Are you guys okay?
Joel: We're fine. A man tried to kill us, but now he's following his dream to sell birds. So your text said there was a problem?
Gary: Well, first the good news. We're getting a couple of offers on the house you showed yesterday.
Sheila: That's great!
Joel: Fantastic. And the problem? 
Gary: There was an incident. Earlier today, I heard someone in the kitchen. I thought it was Joel, so I called out. And he came downstairs. It turns out it was your friend, Ron. He broke into the house to bring you that cake. 
Joel: Ron saw you? 
Gary: He asked me to bite him.
Sheila: Oh, shit! 
Gary: I said, "Absolutely not."
Joel: Good. 
Gary: Then he told me a joke. And when I laughed, he stuck his finger in my mouth and punched down on my head like a stapler.
Sheila: Omigawd! You bit Ron?
Gary: I'm fine! Thanks for asking.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.6

Sheila: You're eating cake right out of the box. That's not a good sign. 
Joel: I could be celebrating a victory. 
Sheila: Are you?
Joel: No.

Sheila: I took her phone away this morning as part of her punishment.
Joel: Gawd, I'm so glad I wasn't here.
Sheila: Oh, she was asleep. I'm not stupid. I'm also taking her with me to deliver food to my Meals-on-Wheels woman.
Joel: Perfect. That lady sounded horrible. Ha! Suck it, Abby!
Sheila: That part's not punishment. Abby wants to make a big impact on the world. I get that. But I want to show her that she can do it in a smaller, less violent way.
Joel: Oh That's so much better parenting than my "Suck it, Abby!"

Tommy: First thing, I had a really great interview at a bird store, so you might be getting a call as a reference.
Joel: You tried to kill my wife yesterday.
Tommy: It would be great if you didn't mention that.

Tommy: If I get that job at the bird store and you guys want a parrot, there's one that keeps screaming, "Fuck you, David!" I could get a discount on.

Abby: When I was little, you said I could grow up to be anything I wanted, and I want to be someone who gets to use this sweet ass knife.

Eric: To be a Knight of Serbia you have to prove your mastery of these tasks. It's called the Trials of the Ancients. They're tests of skill and intelligence. The Serbian text is over 500 years old. But 100 years ago, someone translated it into English. Then 97 years ago, someone rewrote that with nicer handwriting. Then 92 years ago, for our blind friends -
Joel: This is fascinating, but hang on. Shit. 
Eric: What? I was hoping it was an alert about this guy Ron I'm trying to find. But instead, I just didn't get tickets to Hamilton.
Eric: Omigawd, it's amazing. Goosebumps.

Eric: So the trials. Okay, there 12 of them. This one says you have to dig a murder hole.
Joel: What's a murder hole? Is it like a regular hole?
Eric: Hopefully. It just says it has to be four cubits deep, and you cannot enlist the aid of a serf or oxen.
Joel: No problem. I've been digging so many graves, I'm in the best shape of my life. I can even eat cake for breakfast.

Abby: So what are all these pills for?
Jean: One of them makes my kidneys work. One of them makes my heart not stop. One of them makes me crave potatoes, but I sure hope it does something else.
Abby: I would take the potato one recreationally.

Joel: Hi. I'm Joel Hammond, and I want to be a Knight of Serbia to protect my family, my country, and my species that I love so much. I will now execute trial number one - tumbling man throws sharp object.

Eric: They call it the beast with two fronts. I think it's some kind of military tactic?
Joel: "Defend your companion while besieged on all sides, as if by the undead or rats roused to hunger." I don't think I would have thrived in the Middle Ages.
Eric: They shit in the streets, Joel. It was a terrible time.

Joel: Maybe they mistranslated this one.
Eric: I don't think so.
Joel: Why would they want me to stick a pear into a raw chicken?
Eric: "With level hand and speed of a gnat."
Joel: Maybe it's a recipe for a quick meal before battle. Although, it takes a while to cook a chicken. It just doesn't add up.
Eric: It could be a metaphor. The butchered chicken lays no eggs, but the pear tree bears fruit even in winter. Life inside death and both ultimately consumed by man.
Joel: Maybe chickens were smaller and cooked faster back then.

Joel: This application's pretty outdated. There's like five questions trying to trick you into admitting you have leprosy. "When did you first find out you had leprosy? Did your father also have leprosy? In which leper colony do you currently reside?" Oh, wait. It says this whole page is for lepers only. That makes sense.

Joel: Hey, how'd it go? 
Abby: Mom fixed me!
Sheila: Okay, okay. I did, but fine. Cling to your sarcasm.

Eric: You want to see some footage of your dad falling backwards into his own murder hole?
Abby: I've been home for 15 seconds. Why is this the first I'm hearing of this?

Joel: We'll handle this.
Abby: Are you sure you can? Because I just saw a video of you throwing your arms up and yelling, "Finished!" before falling backwards into a hole.
Joel: I did that on purpose. When we play it in reverse, it's gonna look like I can jump super high.
Abby: But then you'd be saying "denishif."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.7

Janko: Would you rather have your nose be a foot long or your foot be a nose long?
Radul: That is a good one. When are you going to turn these into a book?

Poplovic: So how's your search for Mr. Roy Eastman Kodak going?
Janko: We went to the last place we saw him, but the realtor lady who lives there-
Radul: Christa Caldwell. Very mean.
Janko: She refused to talk to us. And threatened our testicles with unspeakable violence.
Poplovic: So you have one encounter with a vulgar woman and you give up?

Sheila: Look at you. You are living proof that you don't need feet to kick ass.

Gary: Did you turn someone? 
Sheila: Maybe. 
Gary: And Joel doesn't know?
Sheila: Nuh-uh.
Gary: Office drama. I love it!
Sheila: If I tell him, he's going to freak, even though the woman I turned is a housebound senior and what I did was kind thoughtful and measured - unlike Ron, who impulsively turned someone on the first day he was undead.
Gary: Right. Although, you turned me the first day you were undead.
Sheila: Different circumstances.
Gary: Totally! I'm on your side. So when are you going to tell Joel?
Sheila: I'm waiting for the right moment.
Gary: Well, if you wait too long, it stops being something you didn't have a chance to tell him and becomes something you're hiding.

Sheila: We framed a woman for murder. 
Joel: Why would we do that? 
Sheila: It was an accident. You know Trish?
Joel: Trish?
Sheila: We killed her shitty ex-husband and I returned her cat?
Joel: Oh! That ex-husband/cat, Trish.
Trish: I didn't do anything, I swear. I just opened the door and there was a cardboard box. It had my cat and Bob's Rolex in it. I I don't know what happened to him. I didn't kill him! You have to believe me!
Joel: Wow, she looks really guilty.
Sheila: Joel, we killed Bob.
Joel: I know. I'm saying she's presenting all the evidence against her and yelling she didn't kill him, when they don't even have a body. I'd convict her.

Sheila: What if we use [Bob's] body to unframe Trish? Put it somewhere and make it look like he died in an accident.
Joel: Oh, so we're putting a pin in my thing, stopping an undead apocalypse and doing your thing, saving one person.

Joel: Not quite sure how we make that look like an accident.
Sheila: What if he got sucked up into a jet engine?
Joel: Times have changed since 9/11. You can't just drive a corpse onto a runway and throw it in a jet engine anymore. 
Sheila: Another freedom gone forever. We could sneak him into the zoo and toss him in with the lions. 
Joel: That's good. Although then we'd be framing an innocent lion.
Sheila: Yeah, that'd be sad. Plus we let our zoo membership lapse.
Joel: We should renew that. I heard they built a new monkey island.
Sheila: Thank God. That old one was fucking depressing.
Joel: I know. It was like monkey Alcatraz.
Sheila: I saw a surf rack on Bob's car. What if we made it look like he went surfing and got attacked by a shark?
Joel: I guess I'm okay framing a shark. They kill seals. And seals are the dogs of the ocean.
Sheila: Are they?
Joel: They are. But if Bob went surfing, wouldn't someone else have seen him?
Sheila: Not if he was drunk and it was at night.
Joel: Bob was a drinker. He had two DUls on his record.
Sheila: We soak him in alcohol, stuff him into a wetsuit and toss him into the ocean.
Joel: That could work. But we should also consider we're just talking ourselves into something crazy.
Sheila: This plan already has alcohol, surfing and sharks in it, okay? It doesn't need doubt.

Eric: You ready for your FBI interview?
Abby: Oh, is that today? I'm kidding. Of course I'm ready.
Eric: It's really easy. Don't be nervous. That's the most important thing. 
Abby: I'm not nervous.
Eric: You sure? Because you did slaughter that undead guy yesterday, and it just seems like that would rattle anyone. 
Abby: I just went over this with my parents. I'm fine. I want tp focus on the interview. 
Eric: Good. Because I heard from Leslie that Novak told the FBI you have violent tendencies. Jenny said she told him you hit Christian with a tray. And it's common knowledge that you quit Environmental Club because it wasn't radical enough.
Abby: Well, shit. All that just made me really nervous.
Eric: No, didn't you hear what I said? Don't be nervous. It'll make you seem guilty. Which you are.

Sheila: Breaking surfboards is super satisfying. I get why sharks like it. I also get why sharks like to eat people. Huh. I have a lot in common with sharks.

Sheila: How's it going with Bob?
Joel: Not great. He's farting a lot. I don't know if it was defrosting him or soaking him in alcohol or if this is just the man he was.
Sheila: Well, technically it's not farting. It's his organs decomposing and releasing gas from all his orifices. If it makes you feel any better.
Joel: It just makes me feel different.

Joel: I know I worry. I like to call it proactive anticipation.

Joel: Even with the best intentions, a million things could go wrong. All you did was return Trish's cat, and now we're driving a vodka-soaked corpse to the ocean to frame a fish for murder.

Sheila: Skate park and then the beach. On paper, this should be a fun day.

Abby: After we finished the pizza, Eric and I started watching Lord of the Rings and I immediately fell asleep.
Tess: Immediately? 
Abby: Well, a few minutes in.
Tess: Had the Hobbits left the Shire yet?
Abby: No, they were still in the shower. Shower. Shire.

Joel: We try to convince [Ron] to stop turning people, and if we can't, we kill him in that bathroom over there.
Sheila: Ugh. I hate going into public bathrooms.

Joel: We don't want a bunch of undead running around so never ever turn anyone. Right, honey?
Sheila: Yep, that's a great rule of thumb. Generally. 
Joel: Always. 
Sheila: Except in very rare situations.
Ron: Don't worry, I got it. Never turn anyone. 
Joel: Right. 
Ron: Unless there are special circumstances like if they want to be turned.
Joel: No. Don't turn anyone. Period.
Ron: Period. Period, ellipses, unless they ask you. Perfect. Thank you.
Joel: I'm not the one who confused him.
Ron: No, I'm not confused, Joel. Being undead is amazing and I want to share it. Selectively. Right now, I've only turned one person. And I only want to turn a few more for my paranormal subreddit group. Thirteen, eighteen people, tops.
Sheila: You want to turn 18 people that you met on the internet?

Sheila: Maybe we should kidnap him. He can't turn anyone if he's in our basement.
Joel: I don't want him in our basement. I'm never going to get a ping-pong table down there.

Joel: The next time we leave a vodka-soaked corpse in our car on a 100 degree day, we should crack a window.

Sheila: Jean only wants to live a few months. And she promised she would never leave her apartment. I'll feed her and if she needs to go out, I'll take her.
Joel: Oh, so it's like we're adopting a shelter dog.
Sheila: Exactly.
Joel: But instead of a scruffy little pup, she's a flesh-eating human who will live forever unless I drive a spike through her brain, which, when the time comes, she may have an opinion about.
Sheila: But like a shelter dog, when she looks up at you, eyes full of gratitude, you'll realize she rescued you. Woof.

Joel: The FBI are just fancy cops and we trick cops all the time.

Abby: Is this the same C4 we used?
Eric: Yep. It'll have the same chemical footprint. I dug it out of the trash after my mom threw it away.
Joel: You really need to talk to her about proper disposal of hazardous waste.
Eric: She tries. She just gets so busy.

Abby: This is my fault. I feel like I should do it.
Joel: Uh-uh, young lady. You're still grounded from your first bombing.

Sheila: Look at us. Team Hammond! Anne was right. There's nothing I can't do.
Joel: You went from "we" to "I" pretty fast there, honey.

Radul: Would you rather have a neck like a turtle or a neck like a giraffe?
Janko: I don't feel like playing.
Radul: Are you in a bad mood because Mr. Poplovic put a bag over your head until you cried?
Janko: Yes.
Radul: Anyone would have cried, Janko.
Janko: Thank you, Radul. Giraffe neck. 
Radul: Me too.

Radul: What is your passcode?
Christian: Fuck you.
[Janko smacks him in the head]
Christian: Okay! Six, nine, six, nine.
Janko: Nice.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.8

Eric: I really hope this works and I don't get arrested. I have my interview with the MIT admissions woman tomorrow, and I really don't want her to be my one phone call.
Abby: This will work. And you're gonna crush that MIT interview - if you don't wear the bow tie.
Eric: I'm absolutely wearing the bow tie. It's collegiate. Dress for the job you want. Thought I put a detonator in here.
Abby: I think the bow tie is just something you can control. These are stressful times. We're planting evidence to frame Bob. My parents are detonating his remains at a fracking site. And so your mind takes the figurative noose around your neck and turns it into a silk ribbon that can be loosened with a single tug.
Eric: Mine's a clip-on.

Eric: I once had a dream that Neil deGrasse Tyson called me an asshole and I had to sleep with the light on for a week.

Sheila: Some of Bob leaked out onto your dad's favorite Pumas which I told him he shouldn't have worn, but he says they're lucky.

Sheila: Maybe Abby can help you put my arm back in the socket.
Joel: It's a two-man operation. You wanna line it up or shove it in?

Joel: That was gross as fuck!

Joel: [Abby] keeps saying she's fine.
Sheila: I wish she could go to therapy, but there's so much she can't talk about. It isn't fair. Where do murderers go for help?
Joel: I think a lot of them don't get the help they need.

Abby: You know that Knights of Serbia group that hunts people like Mom and you didn't join for some fucking reason?
Joel: Yes. To protect you. Also, language.
Abby: All right. Well, they couldn't find someone for this area so now the head of the whole effing organization is flying out here to handle it her effing self so we're all effed in the A
Sheila: That was worse. That's like watching Scarface on TBS.

Joel: The Grand Knight Prior - Tommy told me she became their leader because she tracked and killed the last known undead person in North America.
Sheila: That's not good - although it is nice to see a woman make it to the top of a male-dominated field.

Joel: We can be firm. Remember that time she wanted a guinea pig and we said no and then we got it for her? Let's just do the first half of that.

Winter: You know, just because I have a shitty attitude doesn't mean I can't create an algorithm for coordinating recycling pickups among the limited neighborhood user base.
Eric: No, but statistically, it does make it less likely.

Agent Rogers: I was just telling Principal Novak that there's been a development in our investigation.
Eric: Which means...
Agent Rogers: That even though you gave one of the most dreadful, self-incriminating interviews I've ever been a part of, you're no longer a suspect.

Eric: I need some time to rethink my interview outfit anyways.
Abby: You tried on the bow tie, huh?
Eric: I look like a child weatherman.

Jean: Where's my Abby today?
Sheila: Oh, my husband and I are trying to keep her out of our undead antics which isn't easy because she's disturbingly good at planning, committing, and covering up crimes.

Sheila: Are you ready for the first meal of your new life? It's ears - crunchy and salty. The onion rings of the human body.

Ron: Hey, Joel? Question. Is there a Fanning sister named Ishmael? It fits, but it sounds odd. What are you doing? Getting a turkey out of the oven.

Radul: What are they doing?
Janko: It looks like they are capturing a man who does not wish to be captured.

Ron: If I'm going to be your prisoner, I'd like to request a different dungeon.
Joel: You're not a prisoner and this isn't a dungeon. We are hosting you in our downstairs guest suite until we can convince you that turning people is bad.
Gary: Forever!
Abby: You break the rules, you suffer the consequences, dude. Plus my mom was chained up down here and she never complained.
Ron: Looks like she tried to chew her way through the post. That doesn't feel like a five-star review.
Abby: Maybe she likes the taste of wood, shithead.

Gary: Can we watch Moulin Rouge on the big TV?
Abby: We've seen it, like, eight times. 
Gary: It's goooooood. 
Abby: Nothing is that good.
Gary: I like to dance to "La Marmalade."

Ron: I'm not saying all my problems were caused by bad parenting but five therapists have said exactly that.

Winter: Something rolled out from under the seat. It's a detonator.
Eric: What? No. That's part of the seat so you can just put it back.
Winter: Eric, I'm applying to MIT. I know what a detonator looks like.
Eric: Well why'd you bring a detonator with you?

Sheila: I get it. When I turned, I wanted to kill the first person I saw. And I did, actually, so that's not a great story.

Sheila: You got Ron down in the basement without me?
Joel: Yeah. He showed up early and it got a little crazy. He ran down the street, and - don't be mad - Abby took him down. And then I tripped on a sprinkler head and fell on top of him, a contribution which should not be underestimated.

Joel: "Application received. The Grand Knight Prior will contact you shortly for a home visit."
Sheila: A home visit? They're coming here?
Joel: We have a head in the linen closet and a chained-up guest in our basement.
Sheila: I gotta scrub the freezer and clean out all the Bobsicles.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.9

Sheila: Good morning, Ron. How was your breakfast?
Ron: Delicious. Since I turned, I normally just eat scrambled legs because, get it?
Joel: You gave him a knife?
Sheila: And a fork. It's how Ron prefers to eat.
Ron: Sheila is messy and sexy and I'm neat and petite.
Joel: So listen, we need to gag you and tie your hands behind your back.
Ron: What?
Joel: I have an interview this morning with the Grand Prior of the Knights of Serbia and she can't know there's an undead person in our basement
Sheila: Or she might slaughter us with her broadsword.
Joel: And while I always saw myself dying at home, it was peacefully in bed, not slipping on my own guts trying to get to the phone. 
Sheila: But good news We'll be gagging you with this napkin, which is made out of 100% pure Irish linen.
Joel: Ooh, soft. Lucky!

Petra: People hear "Grand Knight Prior" and they expect a six-foot warrior princess riding a horse and swinging a burning skull. But me? I like comfortable shoes and a four-door sedan.

Petra: Abby, the heir-apparent. Have you ever had a real Milwaukee peanut butter fudge bar?

Petra: That's one of my favorites. You know how they say, "In one ear and out the other"? This turns that from an expression into instructions.

Sheila: That's the second time you've used that word, zombie. 
Joel: Which isn't a problem. Sheila just loves counting words.
Sheila: No, it just perpetuates stereotypes that the undead are nothing more than B-movie killing machines. Some of them might be very nice.
Petra: Nice? I don't understand.
Joel: She means like serial killers can be nice. Then you let your guard down and pow! They serial kill you. Good point, honey.

Abby: What did [Winter] say?
Eric: I don't remember, I panicked. I started rambling about owls, geodes and how the International Astronomical Union keeps jerking Pluto around.
Abby: Jesus, you should have just crashed the car.
Eric: I know. And I was so freaked out, I tanked my MIT interview. I smiled like an idiot, and answered every question with, "Absotively, positutely . It was charming, maybe the first time? No, it was never charming.

Eric: Wow. When did you get so maternal?
Abby: It's from taking care of my parents. I call them the twins and they're taking years off my life.

Petra: Well, I'm off. But first, I'll get you Andre's file - and maybe help myself to a slice of that beautiful coffee cake no one's offered me.
Sheila: There's cake, plates, and a serving knife. Do the math, bitch.
Joel: I know you don't like this, but the new Knight is either gonna be me or Petra. And if you don't like how she asked for cake, imagine her coming after you with the corker.
Sheila: Let her try. Unlike a cantaloupe, I'll eat her face.

Eric: Want to grab some pizza tonight and jinx our victories by daring to celebrate them?
Abby: Oh, I can't. I made plans with Winter.
Eric: Cool, cool. Would your evening be enhanced, I wonder, by the presence of a male escort? Sorry, I mean a boyfriend. Okay. A guy friend. Damn you, English language, you unprecise mongrel!

Joel: It has come to our attention that Ron is claiming he can bite people, and make them undead.
Sheila: Unfortunately, Ron is off his medication and experiencing delusions.
Joel: And while there's no such thing as undead, a human bite should be avoided, as it can lead to many real diseases.
Sheila: Tetanus, hepatitis, droop-eye, more.

Winter: You've never had whiskey before, have you?
Abby: Tastes like cough syrup that's been sitting in a lawnmower.
Winter: Yeah. I'd rather have a Shirley Temple with extra cherries. Then I think of all the other underage kids who can't get into bars and I don't want to let them down.

Abby: Don't be nervous.
Winter: I'm not nervous.
Abby: Oh, sorry. I'm used to doing this stuff with someone who needs to take a deep breath before stepping on an escalator.

Abby: Don't be an asshole. Rise above your man bun.

Abby: If we're gonna keep doing shit like this together, maybe one of us should worry more.

Sheila: How did Ron beat us here? We took the carpool lane.
Joel: Maybe he did, too.
Sheila: But he's just one person.
Joel: Maybe he did anyway.
Sheila: But that's a $491 ticket.
Joel: This is why we have to stop him. He's out of control!

Ron: What's wrong?
Radul: It's just we were going to stab you to see if you were alive or dead. But now-
Ron: Oh, I'm sorry. I ruined your moment. Go ahead. Stab me.
Janko and Radul: Whoa! 
Ron: I know, right?
Janko: We should call Mr. Poplovic. He will be pleased.
Radul: That's what we thought when we bought him those jeans for his birthday. 
Janko: True. 
Radul: Not even a thank you.

Janko and Radul's note:
Dear Mr. Poplovic,
We quit.
P.S. You are a mean boss.

Janko: Would you rather be pulled through a large space slowly or a small space quickly?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

I know Ron is causing lots of problems for Sheila and Joel, but I love his sunny disposition. He was such a cheerful prisoner in the basement!

And I LOVE that Gary just wants to watch Moulin Rouge again.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

3.10

Joel: I have a question.
Gary: The chocolate fountain will be here by nine.
Joel: Did you -
Gary: Yes, five tiers.
Joel: Did you -
Gary: Dark chocolate. 
Joel: Did you -
Gary: The gummy bear and pretzel package.
Joel: I'm so fucking happy right now!

Joel: I can't believe this. After all we've done for you!
Gary: You mean kill me and eat my intestines?
Joel: After that.

Joel: Damn. Even tuna tastes better. I can see why the Aztecs worshipped chocolate as a god.
Sheila: That is not even close to being factually accurate.

Lisa: I brought tequila. It always makes things better. Or worse.

Winter: I appreciate you helping me get my guitar back. That being said, hurry the fuck up.
Abby: Picking a lock is hard. The website was incredibly misleading.

Abby: I was supposed to get breakfast with Eric today. I completely forgot.
Winter: It would've been helpful to have him here. He could've been our lookout. Or brought us breakfast.

Abby: Okay, here's the deal - Dustin stole my friend's guitar and we need to get it back.
Not Sonia: Dustin's an asshole. He throws half full cans of soda in the trash and he won't give me the wifi password. You can get your guitar.

Joel: We have a problem.
Sheila: Is it that you can't love me for all eternity?
Joel: No, it's that I think it's possible the human condition requires the certainty of death in order for us to be capable of unconditional love. And that's not it. Your undead Meals on Wheels woman who you said promised not to leave her apartment is in our living room. And if she kills someone, no matter how great the rest of the party is, that's all anyone's going to remember.
Sheila: Fine, I'll go talk to her. And your philosophical musings on love are bullshit.

Sheila: You were supposed to stay in your apartment until we kill you.
Jean: Worst thing ever said by a Meal on Wheels volunteer.

Ron: Remember how I wanted to turn people and you and Joel told me it was a bad idea? Well, you guys were right. I turned two gentlemen and now they are rampaging on an ill-conceived smorgasbord of death.
Sheila: See? You should have listened to us. You're worse than Abby.
Ron: I am worse than Abby. I also told them Joel is a Knight of Serbia so at some point, they may try to kill him. And I put my name on someone else's hostess gift. Now you know everything.

Sheila: Have you seen Joel?
Lisa: Yes, I introduced him to a potential client because I'm wonderful and I sacrifice my own needs for others. Yay, me! Anyway, they left together.
Sheila: Wait, who was it?
Lisa: A man with an unusual name. Something like David Popsicle? It's not that, but I feel like that's close enough that he might respond to it.

Lisa: I've got a headache so I'm going to go home and take a valium. But if my speech isn't too impaired, I may come back.

Sheila: Omigawd, Joel's been taken.
Ron: I know where Poplovic probably has him. I was kidnapped there yesterday. Hmm, I've been kidnapped twice this week. I hope it's not one of those things that comes in threes.
Sheila: I'm going to find him.
Ron: Do you want me to come with? Fair warning - while I am braver than I was, I am still a huge coward.

Joel: You're trying to weaponize the virus. Is that what this is about? 
Poplovic: No. 
Joel: You're lying! 
Poplovic: No. 
Joel: You want to create an undead army. 
Poplovic: No.
Joel: You're lying!
Poplovic: All right, I'll tell you if you promise not to tell anyone else. I'm kidding. You're never going to talk to anyone else.
Joel: We'll see about that. Okay, you were saying.
Poplovic: The Serbian government sponsored my initial research as they feared a modern day plague, but soon I found something of far greater value.
Joel: You're going to sell the virus to the highest bidder! 
Poplovic: No. 
Joel: Really? Closer? 
Poplovic: I'm not after the virus that causes the undead. I'm after the dark necrofluid that runs through their veins.
Joel: The black goo? Why?
Poplovic: Because I discovered it can stop cells from aging. The promise of eternal youth. The beauty industry has been chasing it forever but now I can provide it at a price, and all I need is a steady supply of the undead.
Joel: Who you'll imprison and harvest like farm animals! You know what? I should just stop guessing.
Poplovic: No, that's exactly right
Joel: I knew it!

Poplovic: Who are you protecting? 
Joel: No one.
Poplovic: Must be someone you care about very much.
Joel: No. Now you're the one making wrong guesses. Makes you feel bad about yourself, huh? Makes you feel a little dumb?

Sheila: Fuck you.
Poplovic: Never be mean to the man who's going to determine the size of your cage.

Eric: What's going on? You blew me off last night, you blew me off for breakfast, and now you're dipping things into a chocolate fountain and you didn't call me?

Abby: I am trying to keep you away from the chaos in my life.
Eric: Abby, most of your life is chaos. If I'm not in that, I'm not in it.

Abby: Will you excuse us? We have something in the oven we need to check on. 
Janko: Both of you? 
Eric: It's a lasagna and it's heavy.

Janko: That's funny.
Radul: Why do you always say, "That's funny" and you never just laugh?

Sheila: What did Poplovic mean when he called me his Queen Bee?
Joel: He's going to make you bite other people and then harvest you all for your goo because it prevents aging and he can sell it for a shit ton of money. Why can't people just age gracefully?

Ron: We believe in you, Sheila. 
Sheila: Really? 
Ron: Totally. We're like a cult but without uniforms. Wait, why don't we all get uniforms?

Joel: By the way, is that my crossbow?
Tommy: No, it's my crossbow.
Joel: You mean the one that's mine that you found in my house? Give it.
Ron: I told you this was going to be an issue.

Sheila: We have to go find Poplovic.
Joel: No, we have to leave. You were stabbed with a lance. I tipped over. No one is 100% here.

Joel: You are an amazing girl who - omigawd, is using soap on my iron skillet? 
Abby: I'm soaking it.
Joel: You're killing it!

Joel: I always wonder if it's better to bury two bodies in one place or spread them around. I'm sure there's a right answer but I never want to meet the person who knows it.

Tommy: I'm really digging the uniforms.
Ron: Yeah, see?

Edited June 11, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Mindthinkr]

@ElectricBoogaloo That was hard choice to select the right emotion emoji. I also wanted to give you a heart for posting this. I’m sad the show was canceled. 

[Mindthinkr]

The Primetimer Awards are now open for voting. 

Please vote 

Category: No Fleas on Them: Favorite CGI Animal- Mr Ball Legs 

They are also nominated for cancelled series. 

[AngelKitty]

I just started watching Deadwood a few weeks ago (I'm in the middle of season 2). And I keep wanting to like Bullock because Joel is so likable.

[Katalina]

Still watching all three seasons compulsively. So upset this show was cancelled. I have a day-dream that someone like Amazon will pick up the show and continue it. They certainly have the funds to do it!

[FormerMod-a1]

I finally watched this show.  It was a little too gratuitously graphic in the first season, for my taste.  I'm not opposed to blood or limbs, heck I watched Bones and Hannibal, just the way they went about it a few times.  But the rest was so good I liked it over all (obviously).  I am sad that it was cancelled, but am sort of glad?  I didn't want Joel to become a undead while the show was on.  I was fine with it "in the future...  after Abby goes to college" (or however he phrased it).  I liked the dynamic of the family as is.  Plus, I liked the balance overall, of dead and undead characters.  

-- Side note - I will forever pronounce his name as Jo-elle now.  😄 --

I was curious what would happen to a person after Mr Ball Legs went into their brain (again, wish it wasn't Joel) - are they undead? are they actual offspring? (hence the "Mama") do they become a trusty side-kick?  are they linked somehow to the person that threw them up? So I am sad I will never find out.  😛 

[idiotwaltz]

Recently got around to watching this show on Netflix and, boy, am I bummed that they cancelled the series after Season 3. I’m not a huge fan of zombie flicks but this show was so brilliantly hilarious!