Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[DeLurker]

If you think someone is following you, you'll catch a glimpse of them but a bus or truck will pass by right after.  In the seconds that your view is blocked, they will disappear.

[topanga]

And then you turn around, and BAM! they're right in your face, ready to kidnap/stab/punch/rob you.

[Kromm]

Only on TV can you NEVER trust a local lawman (a local Sheriff or small town Chief of Police). They're always dirty/secretly in league with the bad guys (or the actual bad guys themselves).

[Kel Varnsen]

If your in a fight near a window, one of you will go out the window usually the bad guy. Same if your fighting on the

second floor of anything inside or outside one of you will go over the railing. Again usually the bad guy. Also if your

the bad guy and being crashed through the streets you will dash into the street and get hit by a car or truck.

The good guy can go over the 2nd floor balcony or out the window, but he/she will always land in a pool, a pile of boxes or in a dumpster that just happens to be filled with marsmallows and feathers.

[Shannon L.]

 

Also if your the bad guy and being crashed through the streets you will dash into the street and get hit by a car or truck.

And, if you have a change of heart and decide to let the cop know what he's looking for, you will die just before you say the words. 

[Kromm]

A corollary to all of these about going out windows involves roofs and jumping between buildings.  This one is far more complicated than the stuff about going out windows. Because if you are a bad guy you CAN often magically jump between building rooftops whenever you are the main baddie, and it's not near the end of the episode. But if you are a minor character, OR if it's the dramatic final chase of an episode, then bad guys suddenly lose the ability to leap between buildings, and may miss and fall to their deaths.

 

Another situation (and even yet MORE complicated that the last one) are rooftop fights. In the rooftop fight, a bad guy can either die or live, but sure as hell someone is going off the edge of that building no matter what. The baddie can either vault right off, leaving the good guy hanging on to a ledge by his fingertips, to be rescued by a colleague, or the bad guy himself is part of a chain hanging off the building, with the good guy holding him with one hand and the ledge with the other. At that point, there are a few ways the baddie dies. He deliberately lets go, or he tries to take the good guy with him and slips.  Occasionally... rarely.... the good guy pulls both of them up and they both live. But again... there's virtually zero chance when you see people fighting on a rooftop that someone isn't going over the edge, somehow (some combination of the baddie and goodie).

 

The rarest situation is if we're seeing this early in a story arc (early in an episode or as part of an ongoing plot, but early on). Where it's possible a good guy can be the one to fall to his death and the baddie live.  But this is rare as hell, and again, even if it's a different person, we still knew seeing that rooftop scene that someone was going over.

Edited November 3, 2015 by Kromm

[Rick Kitchen]

If you're the good guy and you crash through a window, you'll land on a parked car below.

[cpcathy]

Or an awning and then a fruit truck with no roof!

[Raja]

Only TV cops tell assassins to face them and handcuff them with their arms in front just before the cop dies

[Kromm]

I still think there's FAR more to talk about with the one about how on TV the local lawman is always a secret baddie, or at least in cahoots with a big bad. There definitely have to be some related tropes.

 

I'm trying to think if there's any consistency to if the corrupt cop dies by the end, or not. Or also if there's always (or at least usually) a CLEAN cop working under the corrupt one who tries to help the Out of Towners, and if he dies all of the time, or if he survives and takes over the job of Sheriff/Police Chief. I know all of these permutations exist, but I don't know how predictable it is.

[MaryPatShelby]

Only on TV is first-time sex, either in general or the first time with a particular person, always idyllic. Everyone always gets to where they're going with no awkwardness, no faking, no timing issues, no mess.

This is especially true if the participants are 16, and it's their actual First Time. Spectacular, orgasmic, and so much glowing afterward. I'm looking at you, Maddie and Colt (Nashville).

[Demented Daisy]

Except for Leonard Hofstadter and Penny... uh, Penny.

[supposebly]

Only on TV does the phrase: "Trust me, we are the good guys" actually work on someone even though, there is more evidence to suggest the so-called good guys aren't all that useful either. I don't recall what show made me scoff at that one again but it wasn't all that long ago.

 

The real world unfortunately isn't separated into good and bad guys.

Edited November 7, 2015 by supposebly

[Shannon L.]

 

This is especially true if the participants are 16, and it's their actual First Time. Spectacular, orgasmic, and so much glowing afterward. I'm looking at you, Maddie and Colt (Nashville).

And teens almost always have access to the most beautiful, romantic places. 

 

Only on tv can a woman wear tight pants just a day or two after giving birth--even after a c-section!

[topanga]

 

Only on TV is first-time sex, either in general or the first time with a particular person, always idyllic. Everyone always gets to where they're going with no awkwardness, no faking, no timing issues, no mess.

So much this. And after sex, either the first time or later times, people get dressed without taking a shower and run off to work/school/important meeting, somehow without the smells of sex all over them. 

[Kromm]

So much this. And after sex, either the first time or later times, people get dressed without taking a shower and run off to work/school/important meeting, somehow without the smells of sex all over them. 

Well on TV, you don't see people having to figure out how to best dispose of a condom and it's contents either.  I mean you don't expect to actually see the thing the condom was on, because it's well... TV... but I guess what I'm saying is that the whole idea of cleanup is also in that same unaddressed zone, other than maybe some vague "I have to take a shower" comment.  Sex ain't messy on TV, because it's not allowed to be.  Except where you have some crime show plot, where it's super-messy.

[ChromaKelly]

So much this. And after sex, either the first time or later times, people get dressed without taking a shower and run off to work/school/important meeting, somehow without the smells of sex all over them. 

One of my favorite lines from The Wire -

McNulty is standing and Greggs is seated, he is standing next to her. McNulty had his usual night of drinking and indescriminate sex, and then came to work in last night's clothes. They are discussing a case and in the middle of it, Greggs looks at his nasty ass and says "Boy, you smell like sex!"

[Shannon L.]

Let's use our imagination for this one (because this has been bugging me)--let's pretend that super heroes like Superman/Arrow/Supergirl etc...exist:

 

Only on tv would a super hero keep his or her uniform on a mannequin (or whatever it's on to make it look like it would when it's being worn), behind a glass case, with beautiful lighting.  Because when the emergency call comes in and they have to get somewhere asap, they totally have time to unbutton, unzip and pull it off of the mannequin....I mean, the emergency can surely wait for that process, right?  As opposed to, you know, taking half the time to whip it off of a clothes hanger.

[GreekGeek]

Let's use our imagination for this one (because this has been bugging me)--let's pretend that super heroes like Superman/Arrow/Supergirl etc...exist:

 

Only on tv would a super hero keep his or her uniform on a mannequin (or whatever it's on to make it look like it would when it's being worn), behind a glass case, with beautiful lighting.  Because when the emergency call comes in and they have to get somewhere asap, they totally have time to unbutton, unzip and pull it off of the mannequin....I mean, the emergency can surely wait for that process, right?  As opposed to, you know, taking half the time to whip it off of a clothes hanger.

I haven't followed any of the more recent super hero series, so I've never seen the uniform on a mannequin. On the old Superman TV show, Supes would duck into a dark alley for the switcheroo, because he wore the uniform under his clothes. Apparently the cape never bunched out, and nobody else was ever in the alley or stole Clark Kent's clothes. The 1960's Batman had Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson start sliding down the Bat Poles in their street clothes, but be fully in costume when they reached the Bat Cave. I figured there was some kind of machine in there that changed their clothes super fast.

[Shannon L.]

 

I haven't followed any of the more recent super hero series, so I've never seen the uniform on a mannequin. On the old Superman TV show, Supes would duck into a dark alley for the switcheroo, because he wore the uniform under his clothes. Apparently the cape never bunched out, and nobody else was ever in the alley or stole Clark Kent's clothes. The 1960's Batman had Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson start sliding down the Bat Poles in their street clothes, but be fully in costume when they reached the Bat Cave. I figured there was some kind of machine in there that changed their clothes super fast.

Good point.  We watch Arrow and all of their uniforms are displayed beautifully.  Since The Flash is the same network (and there have been crossovers with Arrow), I can only imagine that his is similar.  I know that in movies like Captain America, his is also in a pretty case.

[Sandman87]

So much this. And after sex, either the first time or later times, people get dressed without taking a shower and run off to work/school/important meeting, somehow without the smells of sex all over them.

Not only that, but there's also no smell if someone walks into a workplace or school storage room where sex was going on a mere minute or two before.

[Joe]

In fiction, roosters only crow once or twice at dawn. In real life, they crow every three minutes all day long.

[roseha]

I haven't followed any of the more recent super hero series, so I've never seen the uniform on a mannequin. On the old Superman TV show, Supes would duck into a dark alley for the switcheroo, because he wore the uniform under his clothes. Apparently the cape never bunched out, and nobody else was ever in the alley or stole Clark Kent's clothes.

 

There was a guy (adult) going to a Halloween party in my apartment building and he had a cute costume, a suit with a fedora and a big sign saying "PRESS" in the hatband and under his jacket - a Superman shirt peeking out.

[Rick Kitchen]

One of the clerks at my local Trader Joe's wore a white shirt that was slightly unbuttoned, with a Superman T shirt under it, a tie pulled aside, glasses, and he had one single curl in the middle of his forehead.  Unfortunately, he was a redhead, so that sort of spoiled the look.  :)

[Sandman87]

When trying to get to the other side of the dance floor in a busy nightclub, you must shove your way through the thrashing crowd rather than going around the dance floor.

[Joe]

Yesterday I actually saw something that I thought was only limited to fiction. Lighting a cigarette with a flamethrower/welding gear/etc. In this case it was a propane torch. Not for the first time, I questioned my work's commitment to OH&S.

[Kromm]

Featured last night on Blindspot...

 

"I'm with the FBI, I want to borrow your bike/car/boat/bus/pedicab!"
 

[ganesh]

We used to light cigarettes of the gas stove. 

[legaleagle53]

Only on TV can you NEVER trust a local lawman (a local Sheriff or small town Chief of Police). They're always dirty/secretly in league with the bad guys (or the actual bad guys themselves).

 

Judges are the worst of all.

[shapeshifter]

Judges are the worst of all.

Unless they are imbued with god-like wisdom and portrayed by Morgan Freeman or someone else with similar pop-culture authority.

[paulvdb]

Only on TV can an alternate universe develop in a completely different way from our own, but all the same people will still get together and have kids so that there are alternate versions of yourself and everybody you know.

[Joe]

My theory: there are an infinite number of alternate universes, right? Thus no matter how improbable, there will be one with all the same people and places, only the underlying morals are different. And that's what they'd say about our universe.

[ganesh]

On tv, if there's a classroom scene, the teacher always writes their name on the board *and* underlines it.

[Kromm]

On tv, if there's a classroom scene, the teacher always writes their name on the board *and* underlines it.

Is that really an "only on TV" though?  The first time I was in most teacher's classes they did the same.  It's a cliche, sure, but a totally true one IMO.

[ganesh]

I never have and maybe can count it on one hand in 20+ years of schooling. 

 

[paulvdb]

My theory: there are an infinite number of alternate universes, right? Thus no matter how improbable, there will be one with all the same people and places, only the underlying morals are different. And that's what they'd say about our universe.

I guess you're right about that. So I guess only on tv will you always end up connecting to that specific alternate universe and not the one where apes rule the world or the one where dinosaurs never went extinct.

[CoderLady]

It will always be the one where your crush has married the person who is the rival for his/her affections in your own universe, but very little besides that will be different.

[Aquarius]

Is that really an "only on TV" though?  The first time I was in most teacher's classes they did the same.  It's a cliche, sure, but a totally true one IMO.

 

In my experience it's true as well.

[Kromm]

In my experience it's true as well.

I haven't been in a classroom in decades, admittedly, but I have several relatives who are teachers and I know they do it.

[ganesh]

Then they're all terrible teachers! 100+ classes for me either taken or taught and zero times this has happened. TV shows still show teachers using blackboards ffs. 

[janie jones]

I can't say for sure that I do it, but I wouldn't be surprised if I underline my name when I write it on the board.  And one of the schools I teach at has chalkboards, and I know others in the area do, too.

Edited November 30, 2015 by janie jones

[topanga]

I can't say for sure that I do it, but I wouldn't be surprised if I underline my name when I write it on the board.  And one of the schools I teach at has chalkboards, and I know others in the area do, too.

I remember--back in the Stone Ages--that when I walked into a new classroom, the teacher was already there, and his or her name was already written on the board. 

[ganesh]

I can't remember the last time I wrote anything down. All the materials are online. That's my point. TV classrooms are like from the 70s still. 

 

On tv, where there is a tense or dramatic scene that everyone is expecting, silly old timey music will be playing on the radio or record player.

[janie jones]

I can't remember the last time I wrote anything down. All the materials are online. That's my point. TV classrooms are like from the 70s still.

But that depends on the school though.  At neither of the schools I work at (one university, one small private school) are all of the materials online.

[Kromm]

I can't say I get the "materials online" thing being the reason a board isn't used. The PEOPLE aren't online in this scenario, are they?  They're there physically in a room with a teacher, right? It might be a whiteboard these days instead of a blackboard, but the whole idea is to focus the attention of people on a central point--both physically and in terms of message. You write on a board to focus people.  A person's name. A spelling word. The name of a chemical reaction. A bit of Latin. Whatever. Humans are still humans. We mainly learn by seeing and by verbalizing, and that classic gesture of writing something on a board and the kids eyes following that is about focusing people on something by engaging that visual part of their brain and connecting it up to the verbal part. Has that REALLY stopped being done? How do you replace that?

 

Unless what's being said is that maybe it's being written (or otherwise illustrated) on a tablet or something, PROJECTED onto a screen up front. That's really the same thing.  Admittedly that kind of setup makes it unlikely someone would start with their name on an empty screen though, since projected screens aren't always on.

Edited December 3, 2015 by Kromm

[ganesh]

But that depends on the school though.  At neither of the schools I work at (one university, one small private school) are all of the materials online.

 

No, it doesn't. All my materials are on free online resources like prezi and piazza that have phone/tablet apps. My supplemental textbooks are on free hosted sites. They have been at three universities, one international, and a community college. 

 

Using online materials instead of writing on a board gives you the opportunity to actually focus on analysis than wasting time writing tons of stuff on the board, then having to explain it. Additionally, traditional lecturing is largely garbage anyway. Standing there talking at students for even 30 minutes isn't productive and is static. 

[Kromm]

Using presentation software is only "online" via a technicality if you're saying you're providing versions people can also access online. It's still the same process of focusing student's attention on a central point in the front of a classroom where their asses are sat, where words appear and connect up their vision to their language centers. There may not technically be someone walking into a classroom on Day 1 writing their name on a board, but I bet the instructor's name is probably usually on the first presentation slide presented to the students. It may battle the actual cliche we originally talked about, but it's not as different as you're making it out to be. Sure there's the addition of fancy animations and graphics, layered reveals of information too, but the old guys writing on blackboards weren't relying just on words either.

And this is hardly new. I remember getting presentations projected on screens decades ago (I think back in the stone-age the package was Harvard Graphics, but then later the early versions of Powerpoint). Echoing those presentations online, and on local tablets is an evolution, but I don't know if it's essentially changed the nature of what's happening.

Edited December 3, 2015 by Kromm

[ganesh]

Yes, my original point is that tv classrooms aren't modern day classrooms which are a little more evolved than that, at the least.

 

As I said prior, it's a matter of efficiency, and it gives students more access. So they can focus on the material and go back later and review because they have 24/7 access to content, and not having to lose the learning outcome because they're furiously writing down a huge math derivation because it's going to be erased at the end of the lecture. Also having stuff online frees you up for more substantive work in the class time. I don't really care if it was done 10 years ago. That's not what tv shows when they show a classroom. 

 

It may battle the actual cliche we originally talked about, but it's not as different as you're making it out to be.

 

It's vastly different. TV implies that all you do is write things down on the board and talk at students. That's not what's going on in reality. The class period is far more dynamic and substantive. The whole point of the thread is making fun of outdated things on tv. I don't see that I'm way off base in perception on tv versus what really happens here. No kidding is the instructor's name somewhere. That's not the point. I find it patently absurd, not only you write your name down, but you have to underline it. That was my original post. 

[proserpina65]

It's vastly different. TV implies that all you do is write things down on the board and talk at students. That's not what's going on in reality. The class period is far more dynamic and substantive.

 

In your experience, but not necessarily in all teachers' experience, as evidenced by janie jones' replies.  It does, indeed, vary from school to school.

 

Your original point about tv teachers writing their name on the board and underlining it is valid, though.  Some teachers may do that, but I don't think I've ever seen one in person who underlined their name.

[ganesh]

My experience is fairly extensive, but that wasn't the original point. I'm surprised they don't show kids sniffing papers when they're handed out.