Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

Apparently, a CSI investigator can simultaneously be an expert in blood spatter, gas chromatography, sound recordings, hair & fiber transfers, DNA, ballistics, anatomy, physiology, knife wounds, explosives, photographic records, AND be able to interrogate suspects. I learned all this from CSI: Miami.

[DittyDotDot]

But ONLY if you're on one of the hundred, thousand, fifty-four-thousand, billion and one CSI shows, right?

[ganesh]

The character on the show with the PhD knows everything about everything. And it will be in something esoteric like astroquantum string theory because 'mechanical engineer' is too obvious. Despite that PhDs have a pretty narrow scope of expertise. And there will always be the inevitable "book smarts v street smarts" conversation. 

[Kromm]

Apparently, a CSI investigator can simultaneously be an expert in blood spatter, gas chromatography, sound recordings, hair & fiber transfers, DNA, ballistics, anatomy, physiology, knife wounds, explosives, photographic records, AND be able to interrogate suspects. I learned all this from CSI: Miami.

Speaking of CSI: Miami, only on TV does a theme song follow you around every time you put on your sunglasses!  Okay, I get that that doesn't really count since the theme song doesn't play inside the fictional world.  But think of the "in continuity" aspect of this.  That there's some jackass detective who, in a way that a real world one never would, marches around and constructs his life/job around dramatic one-liner declarations he can pull out while standing over dead bodies, and signals them (to whom, I wonder, inside his world?) by shoving those glasses on.

 

 

In acting terms, this is called "putting a button on it".  And its great for TV, but only exists FOR TV, not in real life. Let Jim Carrey explain...

 

Edited June 22, 2014 by Kromm

[Portia]

Beware. I'm about to get really analytical about underwear.

 

Only on TV do women's bras always match their panties. Tell me if I'm the minority here, but based on myself and the women close to me, here are my objections:

• Most women own a lot fewer bras than panties because bras are more expensive and don't always have to be laundered daily.
• Panties also have to be replaced more often (because biology) and are easier to shop for (don't necessarily have to be tried on in store), so a woman may not be in the market for bras when she's grabbing several pairs of panties to buy.
• For a lot of women, a bra is a very important foundational garment that requires careful fitting, so fit and support are going to take precedence over color and pattern. That perfect bra might not even come with matching panties. And often the top you're wearing dictates that the bra underneath it be light, pattern-free, or both, which is why most women will at least occasionally be sporting an un-sexy solid white bra.
• Even a woman with a spouse or steady partner is probably not going to do a striptease for that person daily, so why bother? It especially annoys me when we see a sexy matching underwear set on a character who clearly wasn't planning to get laid anytime soon. The sexy underwear just seems like stupidly obvious fanservice.

 

Correct me if I'm the odd woman out, here. My mother always told me to wear good underwear in case I got hit by a bus, so maybe I'm the only slob who doesn't care whether she looks super-sexy for her EMT.

 

All that being said . . . I recently saw an episode of Durham County in which a pair of panties had been found, and the detective knew they belonged to a particular missing woman because he found a bra of the same color and pattern in her drawer. To me, this plot point lacked internal consistency: if the panties and bra were part of an inevitable matching set, then why was the bra still in her drawer?

 

Then again, I've observed that women go braless on TV way more than they do in real life, so maybe that's the explanation.

Edited June 23, 2014 by Portia

[Kel Varnsen]

The character on the show with the PhD knows everything about everything. And it will be in something esoteric like astroquantum string theory because 'mechanical engineer' is too obvious. Despite that PhDs have a pretty narrow scope of expertise. And there will always be the inevitable "book smarts v street smarts" conversation. 

On top of that only on TV can the expert PhD person who has multiple doctorates or is the world renowned expert in their field be in their 20's. Because stuff like going to school and building your reputation are things that hardly take any time.

Only on TV does a high schooler apply to one college.

Only on TV are first year classes at colleges and universities filled with kids fresh out of high school. Because no one decides they want to go back to school after a years of working, or changes degree programs after a few years, or has to work for a few years to save up enough to pay for university.

[ganesh]

Only on TV do women's bras always match their panties.

 

I remember in one of the first episodes of Lost that TPTBs were hailed as geniuses because Kate was shown in an unmatched bra/panty set. 

 

On top of that only on TV can the expert PhD person who has multiple doctorates or is the world renowned expert in their field be in their 20's. Because stuff like going to school and building your reputation are things that hardly take any time.

 

Multiple doctorates. Which never happens and is a waste of time, money, and resources. No professor is going to take on anyone with a PhD for another PhD when they can easily be hired as a postdoc. 

[ABay]

@Portia, I agree with your entire post. I just loathe the word "panties" with the fire of a thousand burning thongs.

 

Edited just for you, @Kromm.

Edited June 23, 2014 by ABay

[Kromm]

@Portia, I agree with your entire post. I just loathe the word "pantie" with the fire of a thousand burning thongs.

Is that even a word?

I always thought there was either no singular form, or if there was it was with a Y.  Then again I'm no expert!!!

[Cobalt Stargazer]

It's usually *panties*, the use of which I have seen complained about elsewhere.

[Portia]

When people have a quickie in a public place--or anyplace where they could easily be walked in on--do they really take their shirts off? I see that a lot on TV, and like matching underwear sets, to me it seems like a fanservice thing.

 

Portia, I agree with your entire post. I just loathe the word "pantie" with the fire of a thousand burning thongs.

Bwahaha! Thanks, and . . . sorry?  :-)

Is that even a word?

I always thought there was either no singular form, or if there was it was with a Y.  Then again I'm no expert!!!

According to Victoria's Secret (a widely-regarded underwear expert, no?), the singular form is indeed a word, but it's spelled with a Y.  From time to time, VS mails me a coupon with "FREE PANTY" in big block letters. It always makes me giggle.

Edited June 23, 2014 by Portia

[Kromm]

It's usually *panties*, the use of which I have seen complained about elsewhere.

There IS the phrase "Panty Raid" though..

 

And to use that to dual purpose, so we don't stay off topic, I'd add that Panty Raids I think exist only in the movies AND TV (admittedly many of the things we've been talking about are TV exclusive, but I know this one bridges both mediums).  In real life I don't think, even in summer camp, any kids ever actually broke into the cabin of other kids to steal underwear.  It's a movie/TV fantasy...

[Cobalt Stargazer]

When people have a quickie in a public place--or anyplace where they could easily be walked in on--do they really take their shirts off? I see that a lot on TV, and like matching underwear sets, to me it seems like a fanservice thing.

 

Only on TV do women have sex with their bras on, even in private. This even happens in Bridesmaids. In the beginning of the movie, when Kristen Wiig is in bed with Jon Hamm's character, she has a blue bra on.

[janie jones]

I would probably use the word "panty" to mean "style of panty."  Also, I don't usually buy sets, but my underwear and bra must coordinate. 

[Cobalt Stargazer]

FWIW, in the movie Raising Arizona, when Nicolas Cage is running through the streets and  makes this guy give him a lift at gunpoint, the guy looks at hi and says, "Son, you've got a panty on your head" because Cage's character had just robbed a convenience store and still had the pantyhose halfway over his head.

[DXD526]

This has always irritated me: when a picture is shown that was supposedly drawn by a child or a note written by a child, it's always obviously done by an adult. It's easy to spot the work of a kid as opposed to something done by an adult meant to look like it was by a kid. On TV shows, pictures and notes said to be drawn by kids are always the obvious work of adults. Why not just have a kid do it? 

[OSM Mom]

Notes written by a child will invariably have a letter turned backwards. And they're always written in crayon.

[merylinkid]

Then you have the Year Without a Santa Claus where the little girl is writing with a blue crayon that does 2 letters at once.   I crack up every time I see it (which is often).   

[ganesh]

The secret to good cooking is always to "add more salt." All the time for anything. Even though I haven't added salt in anything for over 5 years.

[electraheartnataly]

Haha ganesh at adding salt! Yes, only on tv do they never suggest adding any one of a million herbs or spices..It has to be salt. Because that will transform the flavor, not just make it, you know.. saltier.

 

Only on TV do teens go out on a regular basis to clubs and bars, often the most exclusive ones, and never get asked for ID. I'm looking at you Gossip Girl.

[yourpointis]

Unless one is adding an entry to their blog, why is there always an excess amount of fast typing when one is searching for information via a computer? Instead of a minimum amount of typing and point click, there's always clickety clack clack clack here's your answer. 

[ABay]

Only On TV is there something wrong with you if you have no interest in attending your high school reunion.

[ganesh]

Or when you go to your high school reunion, everyone reverts to old rivalries and cliques, rather than, oh I don't know, act like adults like we did. And it's always in the fucking gym! Not at a venue like reception room in a restaurant, hotel, etc. Or even a bbq in a park. Again, like adults would.

[DittyDotDot]

Unless one is adding an entry to their blog, why is there always an excess amount of fast typing when one is searching for information via a computer? Instead of a minimum amount of typing and point click, there's always clickety clack clack clack here's your answer. 

 

They can't point and click because computer users on TV don't use a mouse--only a keyboard. Plus, they probably need to type like a thousand words for the search criteria to come up with everything you might ever need to know, all conveniently compiled and located at one site. It's the only explanation for why when I google something, I find I need to go to at least five different sites to find all the information I need. But on TV they find exactly what they need and more at the first link they choose.

[Kromm]

Or when you go to your high school reunion, everyone reverts to old rivalries and cliques, rather than, oh I don't know, act like adults like we did. 

I dunno.  I've seen the opposite enough for it to seem like a cliche too.  The "small man returns as the big success".  With either just rubbing their noses in it, or getting outright revenge.

 

Whereas the truth I think is right in the middle between any of these extremes.

[ganesh]

I meant on tv they don't show people going to their high school reunion and just behaving like regular adults. Catching up a little, having some drinks, taking pics, etc. And it's always at the school and not some place adults would go. 

[DittyDotDot]

Yeah, there's always hijinks and the creepy janitor is always killing someone so that the leads can play Clue. This is why I refused to go to my own reunion, I'd be the dead chick since I tend to foolishly follow my curiosity and take off on my own to explore some dark, scary room.

[yourpointis]

They can't point and click because computer users on TV don't use a mouse--only a keyboard. Plus, they probably need to type like a thousand words for the search criteria to come up with everything you might ever need to know, all conveniently compiled and located at one site. It's the only explanation for why when I google something, I find I need to go to at least five different sites to find all the information I need. But on TV they find exactly what they need and more at the first link they choose.

 

 

You know I will have to pay closer attention the next time I'm watching a tv program where someone is retrieving info (ie. DNA results, a perp's last know address) because I cannot recall if there was a mouse connected or not. I've worked in many offices (exception being a police station) either storing data or retrieving it via intranet and internet, and the last time I worked without a mouse was the mid 80s lol. 

[andromeda331]

No matter how young the kid is, parents can always leave them alone. Toddlers can be left in other rooms all by themselves without getting hurt or will sit and watch tv for hours on end. Babies never make a sound and never need to be fed or changed. 

[TaraS1]

Only on TV do you have 8x10 headshots of yourself and your family members sitting around.  Or, in the alternative, horribly Photoshopped photos of you and your spouse, kids, etc.  I always think, "Some crew guy with an iPhone couldn't have taken an actual picture of the cast together and just printed it out?"

[DittyDotDot]

I always find it amusing that in procedural shows, the files law enforcement has on folks always have 8x10 glossy glamour shots of their perps rather than say a crappy driver's license photo or mug shot or something like that.

[Kromm]

I always find it amusing that in procedural shows, the files law enforcement has on folks always have 8x10 glossy glamour shots of their perps rather than say a crappy driver's license photo or mug shot or something like that.

I don't know if I'd say "always", but just AT ALL is kind of an "only on TV" thing.  In real life I could see having them of the VICTIMS, because the relatives would supply them, but the perps?  Maybe months later once they start to build a court case.  But right away? Nope.

 

One thing I've noticed a lot of shows doing is showing victim and perp photos to people off of smartphones.  I wonder if this is actually the shows borrowing from real life.  'Cause my gut says that probably actually happens.

[electraheartnataly]

Only on tv, when police officers are investigating a crime and have a police officer from a different unit/federal agent come and investigate the same case with them, will they automatically be enraged at this, usually rude/cagey/condescending and undermine the just introduced other cop/fbi agent's input on the case. even if they eventually work the case together and start 'playing nice', only on tv will they never just be like ''oh hey, nice to meet you, hope you can help us with this. considering this is a federal case or homicide and isn't a crime for us anyway because we're (lets just say for arguments sake) the Special Victims Unit!! so should be handing the case over to you anyway rather than behave like a petulant child who doesn't like to share- 'This is MY case! get your own!' but would actually appreciate your help to solve the crime'' lol.

Edited June 25, 2014 by electraheartnataly

[Kel Varnsen]

Only on tv, when police officers are investigating a crime and have a police officer from a different unit/federal agent come and investigate the same case with them, will they automatically be enraged at this, usually rude/cagey/condescending and undermine the just introduced other cop/fbi agent's input on the case. even if they eventually work the case together and start 'playing nice', only on tv will they never just be like ''oh hey, nice to meet you, hope you can help us with this. considering this is a federal case or homicide and isn't a crime for us anyway because we're (lets just say for arguments sake) the Special Victims Unit!! so should be handing the case over to you anyway rather than behave like a petulant child who doesn't like to share- 'This is MY case! get your own!' but would actually appreciate your help to solve the crime'' lol.

Which I always found weird, because on TV cops are always crazy over worked, yet none of them ever say, holy crap there is no way I have time to investigate this so it would be great if the FBI could take the case off my hands.

[ganesh]

Stuff like that I called 'manufactured drama.' They're cheap writing hacks that automatically create conflict instead of putting in the work to write well.

 

Only on tv will characters not ask patently obvious questions to other characters, cf. every episode of Lost. 

[electraheartnataly]

Yep, similarly and also down to contrived writing to make Our cops be the Heros who are the only ones ever who Give A Damn, only on TV will officers from other precincts always dismiss Our cops case, be incredibly insensitive regarding the victim, EVERYone else except the shows main characters will say 'she's lying!' or 'noo he's a decent family man there's no way he's the killer!' Ahh why am i just realizing my fave shows are cliches with a side order of chiche's ahh :S Love this thread btw it's opened my eyes and made me Lol.

[Raja]

Which I always found weird, because on TV cops are always crazy over worked, yet none of them ever say, holy crap there is no way I have time to investigate this so it would be great if the FBI could take the case off my hands.

A ride along with the Baltimore PD is called for. But even on The Wire the local cops and State's Attorney changed their minds when the Feds went after labor unions and politicians instead of drug kingpins

[ganesh]

Regardless of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the One Person who thinks that the murderer isn't guilty is right because They Just Know. And they misuse whatever resources they can to prove it. 

 

People are always late to the airport or regularly miss flights. *No one* leaves four hours early and kills 90 minutes at the bar.

Edited June 26, 2014 by ganesh

[electraheartnataly]

Only on tv when two people have an affair, i.e with one/both of them cheating on their significant others to embark on said affair, will they inevitably absolutely always be found out. It will either be their respective spouse(s) that catch them in the act, or they'll find evidence of said affair (99% of the time that will be a credit card reciept of a hotel booking/resturant for two. because if you don't want your spouse to find out about your affair you still wouldn't DREAM of just, i dunno, Throwing Away any credit card reciepts!!) or someone else will find out and inform their spouse(s). I suppose we have some tv moral code thing here that says they need to be exposed for doing the dirty, however  (sadly and cynically) in real life i'm pretty sure some people do cheat and have affairs and are just careful and noone ever finds out.

Edited June 27, 2014 by electraheartnataly

[Shannon L.]

Only on tv are spies super gymnasts who can through in a bunch of flips, aerial cartwheels and front or back tucks during a fight with the bad guys.

[Tunia]

Only on TV are major real estate deals done verbally with absolutely no paperwork being written up, signed and exchanged.  This premise could also stretch to apply to other legal and/or police incidents.  As is said in the toilet paper industry, "The job isn't finished until the paperwork is done."

[ganesh]

Only on tv if an adult has a strained relationship with their parents, they will call them Mother and Father. 

[mansonlamps]

Only on tv if an adult has a strained relationship with their parents, they will call them Mother and Father.

Sorry, not only on TV in my case.

[blueray]

People can afford nice houses even if they don't make that much. Like on Gilmore Girls, there is no way an inn manager could afford the house that Lorelaii has.

[DittyDotDot]

People can afford nice houses even if they don't make that much. Like in Gilmore Girls, there is no way an inn manager could afford a house that Loriali has.

 

I am always amused when a show tries to tell me that a character is poor and needs money and then they go cry in one of the 50 rooms in their lavish home--I have been know to scream "sell the damn fucking house people and rent a garage." Sheesh.

[ganesh]

Only on tv do people show up at other people's houses without calling ahead, and they're always home and not busy at all.

[ABay]

And their houses are spotless.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Which never stops them from apologizing for things being so messy.

[OSM Mom]

Only on tv do people show up at other people's houses without calling ahead, and they're always home and not busy at all.

Hell, they just walk right in the front door or the back door. I guess I'm the only one who keeps their doors locked all the time.

[Kromm]

People can afford nice houses even if they don't make that much. Like in Gilmore Girls, there is no way an inn manager could afford a house that Loriali has.

Well getting outside of Connecticut for a minute, lets go one state South.  One of the biggest (and often commented on) "Only On TV" things is The Huge NYC Apartment. That will never go away, because even though the showrunners realize that the viewers realize that it's bullshit, for practical reasons you can't really shoot effective TV in a shoebox.  So The Huge NYC Apartment will live on into eternity, through every new show, regardless of the supposed economic status of the character.  (Or if you're Glee you insist they're in some far corner of Brooklyn, where gigantic lofts are affordable to students).