S01.E16: O-S-- OSCAR P-A-- PARTY

[Drogo]

The DiMeo's annual Oscar party for special-needs families leaves Maya feeling threatened by a new mom's apparent perfection. Meanwhile, Jimmy urges the dads to enjoy themselves; but Ray's attempt to impress a girl isn't completely honest.

[rhys]

A bit too many sub stories. I would have liked Ray's story fleshed out more & not even in tonight s episode.  It had such nice potential.

The moms' group fell flat & the dads' stuff was just sad. I dunno--Kenneth's story was my fav sub story while the rest were hohum.

[Bobbin]

9 minutes ago, rhys said:

A bit too many sub stories.

Agreed. And a little too hectic for me to follow. Ray channeling Maya to find her keys was cool, as was Kenneth letting the kids work off some pent-up energy by "fighting" without hurting themselves. Jimmy asking the dads what they wanted to do and being told, "I don't understand the question," reminded me of subbing in my old school district when I asked 7th graders to write about what they did over the weekend and getting blank stares and "What do you want us to write?" Just sad. 

[GRChereck]

Wow, there was a lot of different things going on in this episode... I thought it had a few laughs and touched on some interesting ideas, but I can't really say that it had the depth or sweetness / heart of the very best eps. 

Stray observations:

- I literally gasped at the shout-out to XTC/Dukes of Stratosphear! But while I like "Louie Louie" as much as anyone (I wonder if its use here was meant as a sly nod to Animal House), I was a bit disappointed that the dads weren't dancing to one of XTC's songs ("Life Begins at the Hop" would've been perfect, or maybe "Funk Pop 'a' Roll"...). :D

- When I first saw the press release for this ep, I was a little worried about the ABC/Oscars tie-in (especially since none of the other comedy shows were doing an Oscar theme). Funny that the Oscar Party ended up being sort of a red herring, a mere jumping-off point to explore how Maya and Jimmy relate to other special-needs parents. 

- I'm glad they brought back the support group from "Date?" -- at least here it felt like Maya had some shared history with them, whereas in the earlier episode I felt like she was just glomming onto them so she could have an excuse to get drunk with girlfriends without guilt -- plus the return of Dylan the Therapist was a nice touch and the "food fight" was funny, but I think this plot definitely needed more room to breathe.

- Ditto the Jimmy plot. I could understand him having a strained relationship with his more successful brother ("Thanksgiving"), or wanting to take advantage of people with more disposable income to burn (desperate Christmas shoppers for his toy-reselling scheme in "Ray-Cation," gullible tourists buying the DiMeos' "crap" in "Road Trip"); but I was a little shocked that he wasn't more sympathetic towards other dads in the same position as himself. I suppose his encouraging them to think about their own wants and interests was sort of in keeping with his advice to Maya (when she was feeling guilty about having fun without JJ) in "Inspirations," but still, I would've liked a bit more insight into his thought processes here.

- The plot with Kenneth "leveling the playing field" with JJ and the other special-needs kids was my favorite of the bunch. Also, good to see even more disability representation after the return of the sled-hockey team in last week's ep. :)

- As much as I love Ray, that whole plot struck me as kind of a waste; we just had an episode of him pretending to be wealthier than he is ("The Club") and in the aforementioned "Date?", he tried to pass off that picture of his nipple as a "sext" to become more popular at school, only for it to backfire when Dylan recognized the photo. (Even in "Hero," midway through his essay / speech he couldn't keep up the lie about being "inspired" by JJ.) As for Ann/Zelda, I seem to recall in "Date?" that Maya and the other "drunk mums" discussed how the siblings of special-needs kids sometimes "act out" for attention; and you'd think the girl and her Ray Of Sunshine could've related on that level, but her manic-pixie-dream-girl schtick never really moved beyond rom-com cliche. I wonder whether it would've been better if Ray had instead simply acted as the conscience / voice of reason questioning Jimmy's dealings with the dads...

Edited February 23, 2017 by GRChereck

[bros402]

I think they should've jettisoned the Ray plot - it would've given the episode a bit of room to breathe. I think they should've had Dylan with Jimmy and the Dads - though, she probably would've just ended up bossing all of them around. They should've also had Ray with the Moms - I think he would've loved the obsessively organized pantry.

Kenneth's plot was hilarious - leveling the playing field for the fight was great - I liked how JJ had 5 pool noodles just duct taped to his wheelchair. I wonder where they had all of those laser pointers.

I liked how they showed a variety of kids with disabilities.

[pajamamama]

Again, Kenneth was my favorite. Although the episode had a lot in it, I like that this show is trying to give us a lot in the 22mins of a given show. Kenneth (Cedric Yarbrough) is always the funniest and his acting is top notch. When can we start campaigning for best supporting actor for this guy?? Seriously. He really makes the duo of Kenneth and JJ shine. Although, I am starting to wonder where the character of Kenneth came from. Why is this 'groundskeeper' so good at being an aide? Where did he come from?? Loved Jimmy twerking on the wall, Maya's slump and eat line, and Ray's weird acceptance speech at the end. lololol..

[dmmetler]

I agree that 2 subplots would be enough-have the parents at the oscar party struggling with insecurity and Kenneth's inclusive trivia group. I wish they would mention that Kenneth had a disabled sibling or something. He has that easy acceptance and understanding that comes from deep, long-term contact. (And I agree-Cedric Yarborough for "Best Supporting Actor". )

 

As a homeschooling mom of a special needs kid, the parent group ran true to me. There are Moms who react by being hyper organized and put together, and Moms who focus on their kids to the exclusion of everything else. And both groups feel inferior to the other side-with the Moms who focus on their kids and meeting their  child's needs wishing their house wasn't quite so chaotic, and the moms who keep their house going feeling like they're not doing enough educationally.  And yes, the Dads are usually waiting to be told what to do. 

[Gulftastic]

I loved when the Mom with bad posture said it was getting worse, and that meant she noticed how nice the floors were at the uptight Mom's house.

Dylan trying to drink some wine also made me laugh.

Kenneth was my favourite. His last line 'How do I stop myself from talking..?' was hilarious.

[LisaM]

I love this show. Particularly loved Kenneth figuring out how to level the playing field so that the kids could fight. Nice to see a wide representation of special needs kids. 

Nice to see Michaela Watkins, who I have loved since Trophy Wife. 

[Nordly Beaumont]

1 hour ago, LisaM said:

Nice to see Michaela Watkins, who I have loved since Trophy Wife.

I loved her as Matthew's girlfriend on "The New Adventures of Old Christine"

I recommended this show to my 85 year old mother (currently she only likes Big Bang and Mom). I realized tonight that the jokes may fly by too quickly for her to get into it.

I loved "Are you two starting to look alike?" 

[mtlchick]

One subplot too many.  I did enjoy the subplots overall (all inclusive fight club!) but if they dropped one of them it would have worked better.  I think the Ray one could have been saved for the future.  However I NEED his power of finding keys.  

[MaryHedwig]

Quote

I think the Ray one could have been saved for the future.  

Is Ray going to face charges for destroying school property? Can Maya talk him out of consequences for this one?

[ItCouldBeWorse]

Why was the school building unlocked?

[tennisgurl]

Too many subplots, but I still laughed a lot, so I cant complain too much. I just really love this show, I cant bother to complain about it too much.

"Its like I've died and gone to Pinterest" "Don't try to like it!"

[GRChereck]

15 hours ago, mtlchick said:

One subplot too many.  I did enjoy the subplots overall (all inclusive fight club!) but if they dropped one of them it would have worked better.  I think the Ray one could have been saved for the future.  However I NEED his power of finding keys.  

100% agreed. :) 

Now that I've thought about it, one thing that particularly bugged me about this episode was the relative lack of direct interaction among the DiMeos and Kenneth, particularly after the party really got underway (Maya and Dylan both turned their attention to the moms, Jimmy was saddled with the dads, Kenneth had to watch the other kids in addition to JJ, and Ray only had eyes for his li'l hippie-chick).

The chemistry among the six main cast members is what I adore most about the show; and at least the cold open, while having no bearing on the rest of the plot nor telling us anything really new about the family (yes, as messy and scatterbrained as they can be, they always find a way to work things out), was just a fun way to show these actors playing off of each other as their characters work together through one of their everyday crises.

Regarding scrapping the Ray plot (or saving it for later, so it could've been better thought-out), that certainly would've allowed more breathing room for the Moms plot and Dads plot... One thing they could've taken time for instead: While it probably would've been too much to ask for a half-hour sitcom episode to fully develop all the parents and kids outside the DiMeos, I would think the additions of Becca and her family to the support group would've been a perfect opportunity for the other special-needs families to at least properly introduce themselves -- to the newcomers as well as to the show's audience -- without it seeming too forced. As it is, it was hard to keep track of (or even tell in the first place) who was related to whom -- not a good sign if these are going to be recurring characters * rather than mere props to occasionally serve certain plots.

* - something I wouldn't mind, as I like the idea of Maya and her family having friends and a support system outside of themselves, though I could understand all the families being so caught up in their own lives that they don't have a lot of time to get together...

Edited February 24, 2017 by GRChereck

[GRChereck]

29 minutes ago, tennisgurl said:

"Its like I've died and gone to Pinterest" "Don't try to like it!"

That was such a cute bit. :D I also loved the quick little moment when Dylan tried to sneak a drink of wine before mediating Maya and Becca's conflict. ("Nope." "Worth a shot.")

[Ottis]

My least favorite plot lines are when characters pretend to be someone they are not, often to impress someone. This ep was full of that. Ray's was the most obvious example, but also, Maya's was, too, though in a sort of reverse way. It never answered the key question, which is "if the new mom could have it all together, why can't everyone else in the mom's group?" It wasn't so much about accepting that they all had it hard, or even accepting that each was the best mom for their particular kid. It was more around, why do you give up? I thought perhaps the new mom would be shown as barely hanging on, or never sleeping, or something detrimental to her. But nope, she just had it together.

Kenneth, on the other hand, was awesome, while at the same time what he had going on when the moms came back would have looked terrible on the nightly news.

The dads had early promise but took the wrong direction. It isn't so much that dads don't know what to do until their wives tell them. It's that dads don't really care about socializing with other dads just because they are thrown together at something like this. Dads have friends, too - just not these strangers who they have to know only because their wives are in a group. That would have been a more interesting angle ... how do dads who would rather be somewhere else manage to get through the evening together?

Edited February 24, 2017 by Ottis

[ItCouldBeWorse]

13 minutes ago, Ottis said:

I thought perhaps the new mom would be shown as barely hanging on, or never sleeping, or something detrimental to her. But nope, she just had it together.

She clearly had more disposable income than Maya's family.  Money does make a difference.  Also, the amount of time you must devote to intervening on your child's behalf (which could be related to the degree of disability) will affect how much time you devote to your house.  If her daughter was the one with the walker, then, hypothetically, she might need less intervention from her mother than JJ does.

Edited February 24, 2017 by ItCouldBeWorse

[possibilities]

I thought for sure the new mom had full time live-in staff, and was paying for extra services, so she could delegate everything she found time-consuming or stressful, and could relax and just do the stuff she could handle without breaking a sweat. We've seen Maya doing JJ's PT, personal care, etc-- in addition to advocating with school and insurance, parenting two other kids, and dealing with the household (cooking, cleaning, budgeting), while Jimmy works full time. They don't have anyone onto whome they can pawn off the cleaning, chauffeuring, yard work, errands, advocacy (high priced lawyers, private tutors, out-of-pocket equipment purchases, etc), cooking, etc.

We know Maya is SUPER-organized about medical records (see Ray's binder when he got appendicitis on vacation). And it's only recently that they've had Kenneth to help with ANY of JJ's care. I thought the show was not really making a distinction between choices different families make due to temperament and priorities vs stuff that has to do with privilege and circumstance. Thus, I found the ending disappointing.

Loved "level playing field fight-club".

Agree it made Jimmy look bad the way he was using the other dads, but I liked the resolution of that story better than the way the mom story went. The mom story I thought was a valid set up with a lousy resolution, and the dad story was the reverse.

Ray's story was also unsatisfying to me. Again, worthwhile premise with terrible execution.

And they never seemed to figure out why the tv went out, nor did they fix it. I wanted to see them realize what had happened. It had to do with the tarp restoration knocking out the wires, right?

Still, I love this show and fight club alone was worth the time. So glad ratings are decent.

[Chit Chat]

Quote

I thought for sure the new mom had full time live-in staff, and was paying for extra services, so she could delegate everything she found time-consuming or stressful, and could relax and just do the stuff she could handle without breaking a sweat

I look at it this way:  just as the new mom said "we come at this from different angles," I think that's true of the way any household is run (special  needs or not).  As a non-special needs Mom,  life in general can be crazy and chaotic, and my way of dealing with things is to be super organized.  It makes me feel in control when things around me don't always feel that way.  For others, it means doing the opposite.   It doesn't mean I'm right or wrong, but that I'm doing what is right for me.   That's how I viewed the new mom.  Maybe she's trying to keep control on the aspects of her life that she can because other parts of her life can be unpredictable and stressful.  

I loved the opening of the show with Ray channeling his Mom.  Cheers, love!  Perfect!  And Kenneth letting the kids get out their angst was hysterical.  We all need to get that out of our system from time to time! 

[GRChereck]

8 hours ago, Ottis said:

The dads had early promise but took the wrong direction. It isn't so much that dads don't know what to do until their wives tell them. It's that dads don't really care about socializing with other dads just because they are thrown together at something like this. Dads have friends, too - just not these strangers who they have to know only because their wives are in a group. That would have been a more interesting angle ... how do dads who would rather be somewhere else manage to get through the evening together?

Thanks for better articulating what really rubbed me the wrong way about this plot. :)

Besides lazily leaning on Jimmy's "idiot" side to the point where he looked more like a "jerk" (something I otherwise don't remember having seen from him since 1x2, "New Aide" -- at least there, he was trying to teach Dylan a lesson, and she ended up telling him to take his own advice), it went for the too-easy joke of making the other dads all completely passive and subservient to their wives* instead of taking what could have been a real easy opportunity to give these new characters individual identities (their jobs, other social circles or friends they run with, etc.). Granted, there was some brief talk about the stresses they have to deal with as special-needs parents and what they would want to do for themselves if given the chance, but I think at least a little more could've been done there and made a big difference.

* - Although I suppose there's likely some truth in that (the writers have been drawing from their real lives for a lot of this stuff), and this show does tend to exaggerate for comic effect, I just had a hard time buying that all those guys were so totally cowed by their own wives that they would've let Jimmy manipulate and use them to the extent that he did. And as kind and thoughtful as he has shown himself to be with his own family, even if he does have a much better handle on knowing when to back Maya up and when to rein her in than the other guys do with their wives, you'd think he'd have more respect for their (extreme) devotion to their families rather than seeing them as having weakness to exploit. 

7 hours ago, possibilities said:

I thought for sure the new mom had full time live-in staff, and was paying for extra services, so she could delegate everything she found time-consuming or stressful, and could relax and just do the stuff she could handle without breaking a sweat. We've seen Maya doing JJ's PT, personal care, etc-- in addition to advocating with school and insurance, parenting two other kids, and dealing with the household (cooking, cleaning, budgeting), while Jimmy works full time. They don't have anyone onto whom they can pawn off the cleaning, chauffeuring, yard work, errands, advocacy (high priced lawyers, private tutors, out-of-pocket equipment purchases, etc), cooking, etc.

We know Maya is SUPER-organized about medical records (see Ray's binder when he got appendicitis on vacation). And it's only recently that they've had Kenneth to help with ANY of JJ's care. I thought the show was not really making a distinction between choices different families make due to temperament and priorities vs stuff that has to do with privilege and circumstance. Thus, I found the ending disappointing.

I hadn't even considered that, but yeah -- especially after the class issues touched upon in last week's "The Club," that could've been an interesting, different angle to take on the Maya-Becca conflict in this ep. (On the other hand, I'm actually kinda glad the writers didn't just go the "Becca is secretly really screwed-up" route -- I think that would've been the most predictable thing.)

Edited February 25, 2017 by GRChereck
additional thoughts

[Ottis]

6 hours ago, ItCouldBeWorse said:

She clearly had more disposable income than Maya's family.  Money does make a difference.  Also, the amount of time you must devote to intervening on your child's behalf (which could be related to the degree of disability) will affect how much time you devote to your house.  If her daughter was the one with the walker, then, hypothetically, she might need less intervention from her mother than JJ does.

Yes, clearly we can fan wank some explanations. My point was the show didn't address it. Why should we assume that every other mom has both less income than the new mom and a kid whose needs are so challenging that they can't be more organized at home? Maya briefly recognizes that the new mom is more organized, and therefore she and the other moms feel worse. But that's as far as the show goes. So it never addresses why all those other moms are apparently less together than the. new one. 

[neuromom]

Becca actually seemed organized to the point of OCD. I  just assumed that the stress of having a special needs child  just manifested itself in OCD behavior.

i didn't like Jimmy bring a jerk to the dads. But, when he asked them "what would YOU like to do?", I totally identified, Being a single mom of two, the youngest having multiple disabilities which requires me to be his full time caregiver, I can relate to being stumped when asked the same question. I rarely, if ever, get chance to do something outside the kids.

the inclusive fight club was awesome! It looked like the moms were a little shocked by it...I would have given Kenneth props if he had included MY kid in something like that.

[bros402]

1 hour ago, neuromom said:

Becca actually seemed organized to the point of OCD. I  just assumed that the stress of having a special needs child  just manifested itself in OCD behavior.

i didn't like Jimmy bring a jerk to the dads. But, when he asked them "what would YOU like to do?", I totally identified, Being a single mom of two, the youngest having multiple disabilities which requires me to be his full time caregiver, I can relate to being stumped when asked the same question. I rarely, if ever, get chance to do something outside the kids.

the inclusive fight club was awesome! It looked like the moms were a little shocked by it...I would have given Kenneth props if he had included MY kid in something like that.

That is exactly what I was thinking with Becca.

[dmmetler]

I have a friend who reminds me of Becca. She has multiple kids with LD issues. When she is really struggling with a topic, she'll sometimes call me to see if I can help, and, while her teen is working with me on fractions and my 12 yr old is helping her 7 yr old with reading, she'll vanish and start cleaning my house. At first I found it kind of insulting-like I wasn't doing enough to live up to her standards, but over time, I realized that for her, cleaning and organizing is something she can control. Her daughter being unable to get past pre-Algebra due to dyscalculia and dyslexia is not, and her son showing significant signs of having similar learning disabilities also is not. Sometimes, she needs to take control of something-but still know her kids aren't suffering. 

 

I also know parents who look put together, but do have a cleaning service come in or a nanny for their kids after school, and that makes a big difference. 

[Browncoat]

23 hours ago, possibilities said:

And they never seemed to figure out why the tv went out, nor did they fix it. I wanted to see them realize what had happened. It had to do with the tarp restoration knocking out the wires, right?

They did show one of the characters (there were too many -- I have no idea which one) on the phone with the cable company, so they must have had some idea what happened.  They were all just too preoccupied with their own things to comment about the tarp.

[needschocolate]

Late to watch this - I had a houseguest who has a tendency to talk through shows and, therefore, I saved my favorites until after she was gone. I am confused by one thing - it seemed like this mom's group had been together for a while, but I thought the Demelos were new to the neighborhood. 

On 2/24/2017 at 11:13 AM, ItCouldBeWorse said:

She clearly had more disposable income than Maya's family.  Money does make a difference.  Also, the amount of time you must devote to intervening on your child's behalf (which could be related to the degree of disability) will affect how much time you devote to your house.  If her daughter was the one with the walker, then, hypothetically, she might need less intervention from her mother than JJ does.

Super-organized Mom might only have one child.  Plus, her husband may be more helpful or have more time to help out.  

Then again, she might have a full time aid.

[GRChereck]

6 hours ago, needschocolate said:

it seemed like this mom's group had been together for a while, but I thought the Demelos were new to the neighborhood. 

While Maya and her family have been in that neighborhood only since about the beginning of the school year, I got the impression she had known the other moms for quite a while -- it's possible that, while she had spent the past couple years or so moving from place to place to find a suitable public school for JJ*, she came across this group somewhere and started meeting with them to give herself a sense of stability. (That's another glaring missed opportunity in this ep -- in introducing a new member to the group, it could've taken some time for a little backstory on how long these ladies have been meeting and how Maya got together with them.)

6 hours ago, needschocolate said:

Super-organized Mom might only have one child.  Plus, her husband may be more helpful or have more time to help out.

I noticed that -- Becca and Dale having an only child, while Maya and Jimmy have two others to deal with, is something that would make a considerable difference. :) 

 

* - Another nitpick: Why would Jimmy still have a car in the garage that he hasn't been able to fix in the last 10 years? I would think when his family was moving around a lot -- prior to settling down in Newport Beach in the pilot episode -- he would've just junked the thing rather than (I would assume) having it towed to every new place they moved... (I'm guessing the car only came up in this ep as a convenience to the Ray/Zelda plot, as I don't remember it being shown or referred to before.) o_O

And while I'm at it, I just re-watched the last four eps on the DVR over the weekend, including "Sick Day." Considering how, in that one, Jimmy completely fell apart over Maya and the kids seeing him as mostly useless outside of his financial support -- as well as how they soon came to recognize his value as the peacekeeper of the family -- his throwaway line in "Oscar Party" about the tarp being "the most useless thing in this house that isn't me," even as just a little self-deprecating joke, left a bad taste in my mouth. :\ (On the other hand, on a second watch of this ep, I could actually appreciate how he got to self-correct his conduct with the other dads without them having to call him out and gang up on him first.)

Edited March 6, 2017 by GRChereck

[bros402]

15 hours ago, GRChereck said:

While Maya and her family have been in that neighborhood only since about the beginning of the school year, I got the impression she had known the other moms for quite a while -- it's possible that, while she had spent the past couple years or so moving from place to place to find a suitable public school for JJ*, she came across this group somewhere and started meeting with them to give herself a sense of stability. (That's another glaring missed opportunity in this ep -- in introducing a new member to the group, it could've taken some time for a little backstory on how long these ladies have been meeting and how Maya got together with them.)

I noticed that -- Becca and Dale having an only child, while Maya and Jimmy have two others to deal with, is something that would make a considerable difference. :) 

 

* - Another nitpick: Why would Jimmy still have a car in the garage that he hasn't been able to fix in the last 10 years? I would think when his family was moving around a lot -- prior to settling down in Newport Beach in the pilot episode -- he would've just junked the thing rather than (I would assume) having it towed to every new place they moved... (I'm guessing the car only came up in this ep as a convenience to the Ray/Zelda plot, as I don't remember it being shown or referred to before.) o_O

And while I'm at it, I just re-watched the last four eps on the DVR over the weekend, including "Sick Day." Considering how, in that one, Jimmy completely fell apart over Maya and the kids seeing him as mostly useless outside of his financial support -- as well as how they soon came to recognize his value as the peacekeeper of the family -- his throwaway line in "Oscar Party" about the tarp being "the most useless thing in this house that isn't me," even as just a little self-deprecating joke, left a bad taste in my mouth. :\ (On the other hand, on a second watch of this ep, I could actually appreciate how he got to self-correct his conduct with the other dads without them having to call him out and gang up on him first.)

I think they might've been the same group of moms that Maya mentioned in the earlier episodes - it sounded like JJ went to a great elementary/middle school - then the problems came with HS. So I am guessing they have moved around a lot in a small area - just enough to get in a different district.

I'm guessing the car in the garage was at their old house and Jimmy moved it sometime - probably a pet project for him so he had something to work on.

[GRChereck]

7 hours ago, bros402 said:

it sounded like JJ went to a great elementary/middle school - then the problems came with HS. So I am guessing they have moved around a lot in a small area - just enough to get in a different district.

Ah. :)

7 hours ago, bros402 said:

I'm guessing the car in the garage was at their old house and Jimmy moved it sometime - probably a pet project for him so he had something to work on.

OK, that would make sense -- his leaving it at their old house (before all the moving) until they settled down at this one. (I guess it is pretty funny that he had made no progress on it over the past decade, but as soon as he lets someone else at it, it's running fine within an afternoon. :D )

[Indy]

Definitely agree that there were one too many subplots in this episode but it was pretty cute. I loved Kenneth plot - him & JJ with the lasers and letter boards was hilarious ("are you two starting to look alike?") and then with all of the kids, trying to level the playing field for trivia (no Pixar questions!) and orchestrating the inclusive fight club. I would have liked to see more of that and less Ray-of-Sunshine.  I also enjoyed Jimmy and the dad's dance party.

[topanga]

On 2/24/2017 at 2:00 PM, Ottis said:

My least favorite plot lines are when characters pretend to be someone they are not, often to impress someone. This ep was full of that. Ray's was the most obvious example, but also, Maya's was, too, though in a sort of reverse way. It never answered the key question, which is "if the new mom could have it all together, why can't everyone else in the mom's group?" It wasn't so much about accepting that they all had it hard, or even accepting that each was the best mom for their particular kid. It was more around, why do you give up? I thought perhaps the new mom would be shown as barely hanging on, or never sleeping, or something detrimental to her. But nope, she just had it together.

Kenneth, on the other hand, was awesome, while at the same time what he had going on when the moms came back would have looked terrible on the nightly news.

The dads had early promise but took the wrong direction. It isn't so much that dads don't know what to do until their wives tell them. It's that dads don't really care about socializing with other dads just because they are thrown together at something like this. Dads have friends, too - just not these strangers who they have to know only because their wives are in a group. That would have been a more interesting angle ... how do dads who would rather be somewhere else manage to get through the evening together?

But what I've found is that each member of the DiMeo family is constantly struggling with the notions of who they are are how they fit into society, much less the family (I'm including Kenneth as an honorary DiMeo).  So the multiple plot lines worked for me, though many people found them cumbersome. 

Ray probably feels this sense of displacement most--even within his own family, his opinions and needs are minimized. I know it's done comedically, but it still bothers me. He's constantly being told that he worries too much, he likes things too organized, and that he's basically wrong. So I completely understand that when a pretty girl likes him, or he has a chance to go to a nice country club, he'll do whatever it takes to morph into the "right" person so he can belong. I wish he could've gone on the visit to Michaela Watkins' home. I'll bet a hundred dollars he wouldn't have wanted to leave her organized, clean house. That is, until he started to miss his chaotic but honest and transparent family. 

And Jimmy: he's always being ordered around by everyone in his life--his wife, his bosses, his customers, and even his children constantly tell him what to do. I think it was a matter of finding being able to order someone else around. And the Special Needs Dads were just like him--when they were with their families, they were constantly being ordered around by their wives. Jimmy saw his shot to finally Be Somebody. Yes, he was a being a jerk, but I like that he fessed up at the end. 

 

EDIT: Why does spell check flag "comedically" as a misspelled word? It's in Merriam-Webster. 

Edited March 8, 2017 by topanga

[Ottis]

2 hours ago, topanga said:

But what I've found is that each member of the DiMeo family is constantly struggling with the notions of who they are are how they fit into society, much less the family (I'm including Kenneth as an honorary DiMeo).

Interesting point. I have felt the opposite except for Ray and the daughter, whose name I forget, who are also at an age where those kinds of feelings happen to all kids that age. Maya is adamnant about their family being seen and treated like anyone else. Jimmy is aligned with that, and is almost resigned to their lack of money and resources in a way that says the sacrifice is worth it. JJ, partially as a result of his parents' consistent positions, is well adjusted and thriving in a mainstream school. I feel like they all know exactly who they are and how they *should* fit into society. Their struggle is making sure society views them the way they want to be viewed.

Edited March 8, 2017 by Ottis
"to" has a "t"

[Big Mother]

I know that long personal posts belong in the Real Families thread but I did want to chime in here with my thoughts on this episode as a special needs parent. I found it interesting to see how the show chose to portray the support group and stuff. Here is my take:

 

1) Kenneth running his own respite program singlehandedly? Now that is rich. Most of the time, kids with significant special needs require a lot more support than one poorly trained person whose only real job is to be the voice/assistant of one specific child. Also, I hate when they lump all the different disabilities into one big package. Autism isn't the same as CP, and even autism has so many different shades. The kids in this group seemed extremely well behaved and high functioning. Many kids with cognitive disabilities have major behavior issues and can't function in a group like this. Then again, this probably explains why Kennth was able to work with them all; they had mostly physical disabilities, not behavioral issues...

 

2) When I started attending our local special mom's group I was shocked that the only thing they did NOT talk about was the difficulties they all experience as SN moms. They came to escape, to shoot the breeze, to have fun and disconnect from the day to day. It took a few meetings for me to be able to kind of coax them all into opening up and talking about their sn kid. It was like, they had enough of talking about it all day and wnted to rather get together and gab. It was strange. And i actually found, like Becca in this group, that most women refused to define their lives by their SN kid and didn't want to obsess about them all day and just wanted to have as normal a life as possible. Sadly with the severity of my son's autism and behaviors that wasn't a possibility for me, so it was frustrating not to be able to vent about it. Eventually I found other groups, and even there I was considered a buzzkill since I complained so much. lol.

 

3) In the real world, dads of SN kids hardly enjoy getting together. My husband doesn't share the hardships of living with my son with anyone. When he gets together with his buddies, he remains the same macho man he is, and refuses to let his home life turn him into a rag. I find it admirable but also unrealistic. Also, my husband is one of the few men in my SN circle who are so helpful and take such a huge share in my son's care. My friends' husbands are completely uninvolved and the lion's share of the burden falls on the moms.

4) Like others have said upthread, the reason Becca can continue living such a hyperorganized life is likely due to multiple factors: Her daughter isn't severely disabled, she has a lot of household help, but it's also a personality type. I have ADHD and my son is on the severe end of autism, so no matter how much household help I had and mo matter how hard I tried my house was always in crisis mode. Whereas other moms even if their kids were difficult, they struggled mightily to maintain their neat and clean homes, it was a much bigger priority for them than for me. For me, survival in the chaos was key, even if I had to let my home go. I think Becca's attitude is very irksome and mean spirited. She doesnt have to rub it in their faces that she has it together while they don't. Even from the more together moms, I always got endless empathy and sympathy for my situation. Now that my son went to live at a residential facility and I'm finally starting to pick up the pieces of my life, I see even more in hindsight that keeping the home together was an impossibility while he was living here and I am not to blame, and I did the best that I could. If I were Maya and I was faced with a person like Becca, I wouldn't start throwing her Pinterest-like food around, but I would indeed be boiling with rage like that. :D

[neuromom]

Thank you for your perspective, Big Mother! I can definitely identify with a lot of what you said. I would love to find a respite provider like Kenneth! I've had "respite services " on my son's support plan for years. But I think the last time I used it was 3 or 4 years ago. And it's just me (with a supportive family) since my ex does nothing for the SN kid. (He only spends time with the older one)