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Quotes: What I said was, 'Give me ALL the bacon and eggs you have'

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How is there not already a thread for quotes?! [insert Tom Haverford face here]

 

This week's golden advice from Ron is something I want to print and send to every high school girl:

Live your life the way you'd like but don't confuse drama for happiness.

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Ginuwine: Lil Sebastian, this one is for you because you're my pony.

Andy: I can't believe Michael Bay spent $1 billion of his own money to build [Alcatraz] for The Rock.

Ginuwine: Damn, Donna. Why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?

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"There's been a mistake.  You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats."  Ron

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Leslie: "One time when I was in high school a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time when I was on a date and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and then the guy said he wasn't feeling it, so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for awhile, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me to never call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers. And then when I tried to sit down, he said, 'Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming.'  And then he broke up with me."

 

Whenever I see skywriting, don't you HAVE to read it, to see if it's negative? Like,  "It's not you, it's me"  -- in the sky. I hope to live to see this happen.

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"Do I look like I drink water?" - Donna

 

"I'm not crying! I'm allergic to jerks." - Andy 

Edited by BoogieBurns
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"And I will be providing my world-famous... $100 lap dances" - April (The debate episode)

 

"Hi ya’ll! I’m Trish. I’m 22 years old. I’ve been on YouTube. I just, I love to hang out with my friends. I love to laugh. I love the summertime, and going to the beach. And I love... wearing bikinis at the beach with... everyone there." (Beauty Pageant Episode)

Edited by BoogieBurns
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My best friend's three year old has taken to saying "Are you Nell? From the movie Nell," whenever someone asks her to do something she doesn't want to do.

Edited by biakbiak
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I love Leslie's whole tirade about why she shot Ron (when she didn't): "I have a high tolerance for pain, I'm bad at math and ... I'm stupid."

"Bitches be crazy."

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Leslie: Look, I’m really sorry.  I put a new romance in front of an old friendship.
Tom: Okay.
Leslie: I put a beautiful man in front of an adorable man-child.
Tom: You’re ruining it.
Leslie: I put a big white stallion in front of a little brown pony.
Tom: Totally uncalled for.

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Andy: (about old women flashing during the Valentines day dance) If that happens here my eyes will fall out of my head and I will die. I cannot emphasise how often I quote this line.

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Ron: I am starving. I haven't had lunch since yesterday, so I'm gonna head over to Callaghan's.

Andy: No- no-no. Don't go there, they totally skimp on pickles. Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you. They have the most *insane* burritos.

Ron: I don't much go for ethnic food.

Andy: Trust me. They have one that's called "The Meat Tornado." Literally killed a guy last year.

Ron: You had me at "Meat Tornado."

 

----

Ron: Andy, this was delicious.

Andy: It's awesome huh?

Ron: It's a whole new meat delivery system.

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Leslie: Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!
Jean-Ralphio: [immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!
Leslie: Dance up on me!

 

...I may or may not use this very often when I'm out dancing/drinking/breathing with friends.

 

Donna: This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.
[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]
Leslie: She didn't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!
[cuts to a drunk Tom]
Tom: I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.
[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]
Ben: Baba booey.
[cuts to a drunk Andy]
Andy: Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...
[cuts to a drunk April]
April: [rapidly speaks Spanish]
[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]

 

Ben: Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health department.
Leslie: Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover.
Ben: I feel great. I ran 5K this morning.
Leslie: Really?
Ben: No, I threw up in the shower.

 

Ron: When I walked in this morning and saw the flag at half mast, I thought, 'Great. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But when I found out it was Li'l Sebastian, [sobs] Half-mast is too high. Show some damn respect!

 

Leslie: I was uh, dropping my niece off.
Ann: What's your niece's name?
Leslie: Torpel. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece... my niece's name is Stephanie?

 

"Torpel" gets me every time.

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Leslie: Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!

Jean-Ralphio: [immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!

Leslie: Dance up on me!

 

...I may or may not use this very often when I'm out dancing/drinking/breathing with friends.

 

Donna: This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.

[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]

Leslie: She didn't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!

[cuts to a drunk Tom]

Tom: I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.

[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]

Ben: Baba booey.

[cuts to a drunk Andy]

Andy: Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...

[cuts to a drunk April]

April: [rapidly speaks Spanish]

[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]

 

Ben: Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health department.

Leslie: Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover.

Ben: I feel great. I ran 5K this morning.

Leslie: Really?

Ben: No, I threw up in the shower.

These quotes illustrate why this is the best episodes of that show and why it's one of the best episodes of TV period.

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"Torpel" gets me every time.

 

 

Torpel is the best fake name in the history of American sitcoms. 

 

"I was supposed to have a rock fight with this crazy guy. He's like 20 minutes late." 

"Instant sugar high. Sugah high high! WOAH! Sugar slam!" 

 

"I love Slurp HD. Have you guys seen Ultimate Battle Smoothie?"

Edited by BoogieBurns
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Every so often, I'll sing or hum while doing chores.  The other day I realized I was singing The Pit.

 

 

"I call eggs pre-birds"

 

 

I just mentioned this in another thread.  I love the whole speech.

 

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April: Yeah, so can we adopt you as our grandma?

 

Ethel Beavers: Fine.

 

Andy and April: Cool! We love you, Grandma!

Edited by TeeVee329
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These quotes illustrate why this is the best episodes of that show and why it's one of the best episodes of TV period.

HELP!  Can anyone tell me what epi this is?  I've watched the entire series but you guys have recall that my dead, old brain cells just do not!  Thanks!

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HELP!  Can anyone tell me what epi this is?  I've watched the entire series but you guys have recall that my dead, old brain cells just do not!  Thanks!

 

The quotes when everyone is drunk on Snake Juice?  It's a season three episode, "The Fight".

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I wasn't really happy with the last two episodes so I've been watching some repeats, guaranteed tear-jerkers or LOL-ers.  So...here's my favorite quote ever:  I love you and I like you. 

 

Sigh.  The best.

Edited by Peace Please
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I love Leslie's whole tirade about why she shot Ron (when she didn't): "I have a high tolerance for pain, I'm bad at math and ... I'm stupid."

 

That whole tirade was amazing. 

 

"I stepped in something icky!"

 

"Are you single?"

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