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Quotes: What I said was, 'Give me ALL the bacon and eggs you have'

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Jennifer Barkley: Don’t be the kid that graduates high school, hangs out in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and then confidently comes back and has sex with her hot, old English teacher just for kicks.


Leslie: ...is that what you did? 


Jennifer Barkley: Yeah, Mr. Baker.  Sex was pretty good, thanks to me.

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Ron: "Crying is acceptable only at funerals and the Grand Canyon." I got a lot of mileage out of that quote last year. Did both of those (the former more times than necessary).


Ron: "I'm more than ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson."


Ron: "This is a fantastic rectangle!"


Ben: "The calzones betrayed me?"


Ben: "More like Turd Crapley!"


Chris: "I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon." (runs off)


And from the finale:


Leslie: "Qualifications: You're Ron Swanson." Damn straight.


Ben: "I have so many presents, it's weird."

Andy: "Yes! Oh, it's for the baby..."

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Bobby Newport: I guess my thoughts on abortion are, you know, let's just all have a good time. 


Andy: Who cuts your hair? 

Eagleton Ron: Nobody. Whenever my hair feels it has completed its journey, it simply sheds itself off.

Ron: I hate you so much. 

Edited by Beezel
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In the episode where they all volunteer to help assemble playground equipment for a park in a single day in another town, which was led by a company known as "KaBoom", Leslie then decides to "KaBoom" the pit by ignoring redtape and just filling in the pit on her own. 


Ron, to Leslie about the mess she created:  "What the KaFuck were you thinking?!"

  • Love 4
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I am having trouble remembering which episode contained a random quote that I can't get out of my head. Any help would be appreciated.


If my memory serves, Leslie says "you a snake, you ugly" in reference to baby snakes not being cute. I think it occurred at the end of an episode, I believe during the producer's cut of an episode (which is why I'm having so much trouble finding it).



Edited by ArbeeEye
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“I’m sorry. I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?” -Ben


“When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.” -Tom


“I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.” -Tom

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Not really a quote but with the return of Game of Thrones, I can't say it or even read it without doing it with the inflection that Jerry says it when he is practicing the vows that Tom wrote for Ben and Leslie's wedding.

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"That woman really knows her way around a penis." Said with poignant sincerity by Ron about Tammy 2.

"I'll come." April to Tom about moving

"Really cuz an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents." - Tom

"Shut up, I don't have anything else to do! Do you want help or not?" April


"I think it's really sweet your grandparents still make love." Andy to April

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Just stumbled across this scene. So funny I'm still laughing and I keep playing it over and over:

Leslie: On three! 1, 2, 3...

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Ben: Andy, we are guests of Lord Covington. Maybe you should let him... play with the blue helicopter.


Ron: You choose a thankless job, you can't be upset when nobody thanks you. And by the way, April thanked you. She nominated you for this award.
Leslie: Well, April does that all the time. She nominated Ann for Motocross Driver of the Year award just so she could get a rejection letter.


"You can't just merge two towns. It's against the rules of nature. What's next-- merging a man with his dog?"


This one's from a deleted scene, which is probably for the best since even Andy can't be that stupid: "I have an imaginary friend. His name is Chris Traeger. I haven’t seen him in weeks."

Edited by Brandi Maxxxx
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Tom: Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

Tom: Look, some kind of bird. Let's kill it. You talkin' to me, bitch?

Leslie: Are you in a lot of pain?
Ron: I was shot in the head with a shotgun!
Ann: Ron, it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm, okay?
Ron: Yeah, I'm just going to stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

Ron: When I look at my palm, I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?

Tom: On a scale from 1 to Chris Brown, how mad is [Ron]?

Ranger: So what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.
Leslie: No, I'm an excellent hunter.
Ranger: How did you end up shooting a guy in the head then?
Leslie: Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my gun went off.
Ranger: Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on
Leslie: No, I always have the safety on. While I was tripping, I saw a quail and I shot at it.
Ranger: In mid-trip?
Leslie: No, that's - okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. That's what happened. End of story.
Ranger: Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the excitement, obviously. So I'm just not following your story, all right?
Leslie: Um, I let my emotions get the best of me. I just, I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking and I felt something icky. I thought there was going to be chocolate. I don't even remember. I'm wearing a new bra and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I want to do is have babies. Are you single? I'm just, like, going through a thing right now. I guess when my life's incomplete, I want to shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis. What? Bitches be crazy. I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.

April: What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?
Andy: You know, when you put it that way it that way, it doesn't sound that weird at all.
April: Yeah, it's not. I gave my gay boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey and it totally made my gay boyfriend jealous.

Ron: Maybe next time I'm at the doctor getting my prostate examined, you could come by and shoot me in the head.

Ron: I'm sorry I lost my temper before. It's because I was shot in the head by a moron.

Ron: They'll only talk to you or me and I can't go because I don't want to.

Leslie: Tom always seems like Mr. Slickster Cool Guy, but he's actually hiding his emotions underneath a very thick layer of Axe body spray.

Leslie: If I had to have a stripper name, it would be Equality.

Tom: There's a girl here [at the Glitter Factory] that also works at Quizno's. She's really nice to me here but really mean to me at Quizno's.

Tom: You know those hangover pills you can order on tv? I threw up a bunch of them this morning.

Ann: What is your ideal man?
Leslie: He has the brains of George Clooney and the body of Joe Biden.

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I just started binge-watching this show over Hulu on the commercial free plan, just got to the start of Season 4.  I can't remember the exact quote, but I loved the one where Leslie can't understand why she was matched up with Tom on an internet dating site:

Tom:  ..."Tom A. Haverford or Tom B. Haverford?"

Leslie..."Tom N. Haverford."

Tom..."Tom N. Haverford is my nerd profile, I never even check that one!"

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