Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[SusanM]

23 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

I had 3 full-term +1 week pregnancies and recall a lot of mood swings. 

I had two full term + 1 week pregnancies and I don't really recall a  lot of mood swings but oh man the last couple of weeks were hard!  I was huge for one thing (if I could give some advice here it would be think twice before you marry a man over a foot taller than you are - won't someone think of the children? or at least the potential size of a newborn).  Anyway I digress, I doubt I was Little Merry Sunshine when I felt like a beached whale with swollen ankles!  And of course that last "bonus" week where you should have already had the baby,,,,and you haven't!

Edited December 24, 2021 by SusannahM

[Gramto6]

2 full term pregnancies and toxemia with both. 6 weeks bed rest at the end with first. Hard to bed rest with a husband that travelled a lot and a 22 mo old toddler with second. Not such good times... but they are great kids now each with 3 of their own!

[PRgal]

I STILL have issues with my mom.  She seems to think my house is hers and would allow my son to go into our workout space (where we JUST got a dumbbell set with weights between 5 lb and 25 lb (2x)), our workspace and other forbidden areas.  Recently, I found that my old CDs were on the floor because he opened a cabinet and made a mess.  My mom didn't let me know.  I found the mess myself.  The only place where she actually follows our rules is the kitchen.  She's our free sitter, so I really should be grateful that she comes by (she and my dad are the only outside guests we are having over right now).  At least she doesn't bug me about what he's eating anymore.  

[Mondrianyone]

1 minute ago, PRgal said:

She's our free sitter

You know the old saying about how you get what you pay for. It's true.

[shapeshifter]

46 minutes ago, PRgal said:

I STILL have issues with my mom.  She seems to think my house is hers and would allow my son to go into our workout space (where we JUST got a dumbbell set with weights between 5 lb and 25 lb (2x)), our workspace and other forbidden areas.  Recently, I found that my old CDs were on the floor because he opened a cabinet and made a mess.  My mom didn't let me know.  I found the mess myself.  The only place where she actually follows our rules is the kitchen.  She's our free sitter, so I really should be grateful that she comes by (she and my dad are the only outside guests we are having over right now).  At least she doesn't bug me about what he's eating anymore.  

Maybe you could find some child-proof locks that are also Mother proof? 

[theredhead77]

3 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Maybe you could find some child-proof locks that are also Mother proof? 

These and you take the key with you

https://www.amazon.com/Proofing-Magnetic-Cabinet-Locks-Safety/dp/B07B47PDB4

[shapeshifter]

37 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

These and you take the key with you

https://www.amazon.com/Proofing-Magnetic-Cabinet-Locks-Safety/dp/B07B47PDB4

"...Should you misplace the keys, any strong magnet can be used to disengage the lock..."
👆which is a good thing to keep on hand in case junior gets trapped in a cabinet.
When I was about 5 playing across the street with the neighbor (age 8) and my sister (age 7) they locked me in some cupboards and went off on a shopping trip with the neighbor mom. That neighbor girl had serious psyc issues.

[Lady Whistleup]

Christmas vacation is ruined. I went home to visit my parents when my sister announced she was visiting. My mom made me promise not to ditch her when my sister visited.

My sister is now 7 months pregnant, and you would think she's the world's first pregnant woman. 

I think I told you guys about her personality. Well this is an example of what she's like:

I was cooking steaks when she comes into the kitchen and dramatically announces she will not eat MY steaks, because I cook them SO badly. In fact, she wants me to stop cooking them immediately. I say it's too late, so I'll eat them myself. When I finish cooking them, there she is, gobbling them up.

She declares she cannot fold laundry because she's pregnant and also has a million life-threatening conditions. I've already had to do three loads of laundry for her.

She cannot stand. Because she's pregnant.

She cannot rinse off dishes. Because she's pregnant.

She cannot STEP outside. Not take a walk outside, STEP outside. Because she's pregnant.

Her husband patiently does everything she orders. 

Today as I was washing dishes she gave me a laundry list of her most life-threatening conditions. I asked her whether she's had morning sickness, pre-eclampsia, covid, etc. Nope, nope, nope.

She also declares that since she's pregnant, I cannot "risk the baby" and go anywhere while she's here. I said I'm vaxxed and boostered and wear a mask everywhere. Nope, I can only go to the super market to get her food she wants. That I can do. 

This is her. She's just always been this self-absorbed.

[theredhead77]

Good thing you're a grown ass adult who can choose to take her abuse or, choose to leave. Even if it's to go for a walk to Starbucks for a coffee. 

[Lady Whistleup]

47 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Good thing you're a grown ass adult who can choose to take her abuse or, choose to leave. Even if it's to go for a walk to Starbucks for a coffee. 

It's only four more days of this. I just tell myself that.

I come from an Asian family. You're just supposed to tolerate family.

[shapeshifter]

58 minutes ago, Lady Whistleup said:

Christmas vacation is ruined. I went home to visit my parents when my sister announced she was visiting. My mom made me promise not to ditch her when my sister visited.

My sister is now 7 months pregnant, and you would think she's the world's first pregnant woman. 

I think I told you guys about her personality. Well this is an example of what she's like:

I was cooking steaks when she comes into the kitchen and dramatically announces she will not eat MY steaks, because I cook them SO badly. In fact, she wants me to stop cooking them immediately. I say it's too late, so I'll eat them myself. When I finish cooking them, there she is, gobbling them up.

She declares she cannot fold laundry because she's pregnant and also has a million life-threatening conditions. I've already had to do three loads of laundry for her.

She cannot stand. Because she's pregnant.

She cannot rinse off dishes. Because she's pregnant.

She cannot STEP outside. Not take a walk outside, STEP outside. Because she's pregnant.

Her husband patiently does everything she orders. 

Today as I was washing dishes she gave me a laundry list of her most life-threatening conditions. I asked her whether she's had morning sickness, pre-eclampsia, covid, etc. Nope, nope, nope.

She also declares that since she's pregnant, I cannot "risk the baby" and go anywhere while she's here. I said I'm vaxxed and boostered and wear a mask everywhere. Nope, I can only go to the super market to get her food she wants. That I can do. 

This is her. She's just always been this self-absorbed.

If we could lock your 7-month pregnant sister and my 8-month pregnant daughter in a room together for a few hours, I bet they’d come out acting like human beings.

[theredhead77]

8 hours ago, Lady Whistleup said:

I come from an Asian family. You're just supposed to tolerate family.

All cultures have that mantra. It's an excuse to force you to accept familial abuse. Break the cycle.

[MargeGunderson]

8 hours ago, Lady Whistleup said:

It's only four more days of this. I just tell myself that.

I come from an Asian family. You're just supposed to tolerate family.

Except apparently you are the only one who is doing the tolerating, your sister clearly is not. She sounds insufferable.

[JustHereForFood]

11 hours ago, Lady Whistleup said:

Christmas vacation is ruined. I went home to visit my parents when my sister announced she was visiting. My mom made me promise not to ditch her when my sister visited.

My sister is now 7 months pregnant, and you would think she's the world's first pregnant woman. 

I think I told you guys about her personality. Well this is an example of what she's like:

I was cooking steaks when she comes into the kitchen and dramatically announces she will not eat MY steaks, because I cook them SO badly. In fact, she wants me to stop cooking them immediately. I say it's too late, so I'll eat them myself. When I finish cooking them, there she is, gobbling them up.

She declares she cannot fold laundry because she's pregnant and also has a million life-threatening conditions. I've already had to do three loads of laundry for her.

She cannot stand. Because she's pregnant.

She cannot rinse off dishes. Because she's pregnant.

She cannot STEP outside. Not take a walk outside, STEP outside. Because she's pregnant.

Her husband patiently does everything she orders. 

Today as I was washing dishes she gave me a laundry list of her most life-threatening conditions. I asked her whether she's had morning sickness, pre-eclampsia, covid, etc. Nope, nope, nope.

She also declares that since she's pregnant, I cannot "risk the baby" and go anywhere while she's here. I said I'm vaxxed and boostered and wear a mask everywhere. Nope, I can only go to the super market to get her food she wants. That I can do. 

This is her. She's just always been this self-absorbed.

If I may ask, why doesn't her husband do this stuff for her instead? He's the one who willingly chose to be her family.

[Lady Whistleup]

1 hour ago, JustHereForFood said:

If I may ask, why doesn't her husband do this stuff for her instead? He's the one who willingly chose to be her family.

Because he does every thing for her at home. When they visit thats his break.

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, Lady Whistleup said:

Because he does every thing for her at home. When they visit thats his break.

Does she verbally and emotionally abuse her husband, too? I don't even want to think about the level of abuse and servitute expectations that will be placed on this innocent baby as it grows up.

This is not normal, this is not healthy and this is not because of your culture. This is a serious issue with your sisters behavior. Your mother knows its an issue and does nothing. It is not your job to parent your sister, or cater to her every whim, nor is it your job to coddle your mother.

Please take a step back and imagine that your friend wrote out what you shared. What advice would you give them? 

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

Please take a step back and imagine that your friend wrote out what you shared. What advice would you give them? 

Take a nap? (only slightly kidding)

[Browncoat]

My brother has flurona -- he can't just get COVID, he has to get flu, too.  Not sure if he got the flu vaccine, but he had the J&J shot back in August or September.  I don't think he was boosted.  So far, his symptoms are mild.

[Blergh]

On 12/28/2021 at 12:54 PM, theredhead77 said:

Does she verbally and emotionally abuse her husband, too? I don't even want to think about the level of abuse and servitute expectations that will be placed on this innocent baby as it grows up.

This is not normal, this is not healthy and this is not because of your culture. This is a serious issue with your sisters behavior. Your mother knows its an issue and does nothing. It is not your job to parent your sister, or cater to her every whim, nor is it your job to coddle your mother.

Please take a step back and imagine that your friend wrote out what you shared. What advice would you give them? 

It's often a productive exercise to imagine if one would want . ...whatever for one's bestie or a hypothetical child of one's own age. Quite often one would NOT want the same for either of the above- and, if that's the case, then it might not hurt to apply whatever advice one would give either of the above individuals to oneself.

Edited January 16, 2022 by Blergh

[mostlylurking]

A little backstory - My parents live in another country.  They moved there over 15 years ago when I was in my early twenties.  I have no other close family or siblings, so I was basically on my own.  They are retired and can visit pretty much whenever they want (barring some illnesses over the years and of course the last two years with the pandemic).  They’ve only been back here to visit a handful of times.  They have only met my husband three times (once was when we travelled to see them) and only met my daughter once as a baby.  She will be four this year.  Anyway, suffice to say there are issues from childhood, as most people.  They are narcissists and everything is for show.  They act like they love us so much, send gifts, etc., but never bother to visit.  They post things on social media about how much they love us even though neither of us are even on social, so who is this for??  I’ve tried twice to confront them about issues of the past, not in a confrontational way but just trying to get all of us to acknowledge things that were done.  It didn’t work, they turned things around on me and blamed me for things that happened over twenty years ago when I was a teenager.  Now, I just keep conversations very surface, nothing too deep.  I FaceTime with them weekly so they can see their granddaughter.

My thing is this….supposedly they want to visit this year.  I’ll believe it when I see it, but my question is how long do you all think this visit should be?  To be honest with you I am fine if they never come visit.  I have my own life now, my own family.  They claim they miss us so much, but how can they miss people they don’t even know?  I include me in that because I am an entirely different person now than when they left.  I think they miss the idea in their head, not the reality.  So how long is too long?  I also don’t feel comfortable leaving my kid with them.  They don’t even know her so babysitting or alone time with her will be a no go.  They don’t get to miss out on nearly twenty years of my life (a lot of it shitty but I made it through) and then swoop in and enjoy all the good times.

Anyway, I’m just venting I guess.  Everyone is awesome on here.  I’d be interested in knowing what you all think and how I can set ground rules for this visit, if it even happens.  Everyone thinks they are these wonderful loving people who just love us so much, although many people do think it’s strange that they left their only daughter and have only seen their only grandchild once.  They are very fake.

[shapeshifter]

13 minutes ago, mostlylurking said:

A little backstory - My parents live in another country.  They moved there over 15 years ago when I was in my early twenties.  I have no other close family or siblings, so I was basically on my own.  They are retired and can visit pretty much whenever they want (barring some illnesses over the years and of course the last two years with the pandemic).  They’ve only been back here to visit a handful of times.  They have only met my husband three times (once was when we travelled to see them) and only met my daughter once as a baby.  She will be four this year.  Anyway, suffice to say there are issues from childhood, as most people.  They are narcissists and everything is for show.  They act like they love us so much, send gifts, etc., but never bother to visit.  They post things on social media about how much they love us even though neither of us are even on social, so who is this for??  I’ve tried twice to confront them about issues of the past, not in a confrontational way but just trying to get all of us to acknowledge things that were done.  It didn’t work, they turned things around on me and blamed me for things that happened over twenty years ago when I was a teenager.  Now, I just keep conversations very surface, nothing too deep.  I FaceTime with them weekly so they can see their granddaughter.

My thing is this….supposedly they want to visit this year.  I’ll believe it when I see it, but my question is how long do you all think this visit should be?  To be honest with you I am fine if they never come visit.  I have my own life now, my own family.  They claim they miss us so much, but how can they miss people they don’t even know?  I include me in that because I am an entirely different person now than when they left.  I think they miss the idea in their head, not the reality.  So how long is too long?  I also don’t feel comfortable leaving my kid with them.  They don’t even know her so babysitting or alone time with her will be a no go.  They don’t get to miss out on nearly twenty years of my life (a lot of it shitty but I made it through) and then swoop in and enjoy all the good times.

Anyway, I’m just venting I guess.  Everyone is awesome on here.  I’d be interested in knowing what you all think and how I can set ground rules for this visit, if it even happens.  Everyone thinks they are these wonderful loving people who just love us so much, although many people do think it’s strange that they left their only daughter and have only seen their only grandchild once.  They are very fake.

Without taking time now to elaborate, just know that my own family relationships were similarly interrupted by geography and choices by my parents.

But I'm older now, they're dead, and so I have the "perspective" I think(?) you are seeking, @mostlylurking:

1. If possible, have them stay in a nearby hotel. The closer the better, but even if it's 15 minutes away, they can at least go back to sleep. 
    
2. If you go with 1. 👆, leave the length of stay up to them.
   Maybe leave it up to them anyway?
   But let them know in advance of any work or other obligations you have.
    
3. Saving best for last: 
   Try to get them talking about family history that you can only learn about now.

[Browncoat]

6 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

If possible, have them stay in a nearby hotel. The closer the better, but even if it's 15 minutes away, they can at least go back to sleep. 

I 100% concur with this one.  I'd try to head the lodgings question off at the pass and don't even entertain the notion that they might stay with you.

[Bastet]

I know it's hard for you to judge, since they've visited so infrequently, but are you afraid there's going to be a huge difference between how long they're going to come out for and how much time you're going to want to spend with them?  Like they'd come for two weeks and you just want to spend some time together over a long weekend?

Or do you think it will be more like they'll come out for a week?  Because that should be pretty manageable - assuming they're in a hotel, of course! - for you to just schedule a few get-togethers, and mix it up (have them over for dinner once, go out to dinner once, do some kid-friendly sightseeing, etc.) so it's not just you sitting around enduring them.

[Scatterbrained]

Narcissists are two-faced AND they never accept blame.  I would worry what their “retirement plan” is.   It doesn’t sound like you would be ok with them moving in and staying.  
 

I used to be a teacher and have had several very intensive trainings on fetal alcohol syndrome (several hours a day for multiple days in a row).  One of my sibs had a baby several months ago.   She’s always drank alcohol enough that people have commented on it to her, but I don’t think she’s ever seen herself as an alcoholic.  Anyway, a few months ago, she posted a baby picture and I thought the ears looked like they were lower than normal and I worried.  Today, another set of pics was posted and I feel I see other signs as well.  (Thin upper lip, smooth philtrum, low nasal bridge, simplified ear folds, and some other things I *think* I see, but am not yet certain about).   I am feeling very, very sad.  Fetal alcohol syndrome causes permanent, irreversible brain damage.  If the child is afflicted, it will be a long, hard, intellectually disabled life.  I just feel very, very sad.  
 

part of me wants to confront her and the other part of me wonders what that will solve.   There are other extremely stressful and contentious issues occurring in the family right now, and I wonder how many hornets nests I want to poke with a stick.
 

 

[mostlylurking]

On 1/28/2022 at 8:44 AM, shapeshifter said:

Saving best for last: 
Try to get them talking about family history that you can only learn about now.

Thanks so much for the feedback.  However, the above is a no-go.  All they want to talk about in the past is what fantastic parents they were and how I wanted for nothing.  So I keep conversations to the present.

Thanks to everyone else as well.  Unfortunately, they will be staying with me.  We have the space that they can have their own privacy.  We have a bedroom and bathroom in the lower level of our house with a private entrance so there is no discussion of staying anywhere else.  It’s also a cultural thing, as are so many difficult family situations.

I spoke to them yesterday and they are planning on coming in July.  They are making it seem like the biggest ordeal/trip of their lives (they’ve traveled extensively).  They said they were thinking of coming for three weeks.  I said I think two weeks would probably be better, given we haven’t seen each other in four years.  Then started all the excuses (illness, pandemic, etc.).  Legitimate reasons, but we were not exactly close prior to any of this, which I pointed out.  My mom also said that if they don’t come they will never see us, and I told them for the time being that yes, that is the case.  Without giving any excuse.  I know many people do it but I am not in a place to travel right now with a toddler, and we don’t have the type of relationship where I will push myself to make such a huge trip.

I kind of feel like telling them that if they are going to treat this trip as some sort of huge sacrifice on their part, they shouldn’t bother.  Like, don’t make yourselves into  martyrs on our account.  It’s not like we see each other regularly that we would think visiting is an obligation.  We haven’t seen each other in four years, two years before that, and before that…..well, you get the picture.

God.  I’m already over this.  I also hate that I care how I will be judged by others who think they are just the best parents ever and I am just the selfish daughter who won’t give an inch.  Why do I even care?  And how in the world do I stop?

[theredhead77]

"No" is a complete answer. And you can search my posting history for my thoughts on "it's a cultural thing". Spoiler alert: it's not a "cultural thing". It's family using that as an excuse to abuse or take advantage of others. Break the cycle. 

[Bastet]

THREE WEEKS?!  In someone's home?  Oh, hell to the no.  Even among those with whom I have a close relationship, there is no one I'd let stay with me for more than a week. 

57 minutes ago, mostlylurking said:

I also hate that I care how I will be judged by others who think they are just the best parents ever and I am just the selfish daughter who won’t give an inch.  Why do I even care?  And how in the world do I stop?

That's tough.  It sounds like they've done a very effective job of cultivating the fake image of them as loving, involved parents, so it's natural for you to dread having a bunch of people judging you, but you said you have no siblings or other close family, so if those you love know the truth and there are just these random friends of your parents out there believing the lie, you'll have to concentrate on that when you start feeling it.

[mostlylurking]

2 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

No" is a complete answer.

That’s such a great thing to remember. I didn’t give them any reasons (though I wanted to). Another great quote I like is “never complain, never explain”. But it’s so hard to do!!  I’m going to go back and search your posts but I am pretty sure I’ll agree entirely with your thoughts on “its cultural”. It is definitely used as a crutch and perpetuates unhealthy habits at times. 

2 hours ago, Bastet said:

 

THREE WEEKS?!  In someone's home?  Oh, hell to the no. 

 

Haha yep. And I’m lucky they didn’t say one month. I mean it is a long trip (I currently live in the Midwest USA) but they live in Europe. It’s not China or Australia or something. Plus I used to live on the east coast and they never visited then either. 

2 hours ago, Bastet said:

It sounds like they've done a very effective job of cultivating the fake image of them as loving, involved parents,

Yes, it’s all fake and for show. They plaster pictures of us all over their house (all taken from FaceTime or pics I have sent them) and post about us on social media even though we aren’t even on social (no pics there, I shut that down). A lot of people do question how they up and left their only child and pretty much never looked back.  They missed my large life events (bridal shower, birth of my only child, the list goes on) but again because of cultural expectations people feel like I should give them a break and just be the one to make all the effort. I just can’t do it. It’s not healthy for me, and I have to be at my best for my kid and my husband. They aren’t awful people or anything, I know they did the best they knew how. I FaceTime with them so they can see their grandchild and don’t wish them any harm or anything. We just live completely different lives, and that’s just the way it is. I don’t blame them for anything. I only wish they could extend me the same grace, but it’s not meant to be. 

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 1/31/2022 at 7:44 PM, mostlylurking said:

I FaceTime with them so they can see their grandchild

You said in a previous post, too.  Do they even want to see their grandchild?  It sucks if they don't, but it sucks even more if they don't and you endure what you do in order to give them something they don't even want. 

For god's sake, don't just say, "Do you even appreciate that I make time for weekly Facetime sessions just so you can see your only grandchild????"  Maybe just cancel one, and see how they react.  See how much it takes for them to start squawking.  If it's a lot, then maybe they really don't care, and I would consider that very useful information.

If they complain, then maybe you can be happy they want to see their grandchild, and grateful that technology allows them to be able to do it without flying over an ocean.

On 1/31/2022 at 3:39 PM, mostlylurking said:

However, the above is a no-go.  All they want to talk about in the past is what fantastic parents they were and how I wanted for nothing.  So I keep conversations to the present.

No--farther in the past than that.  All of our parents had lives before we came along, and maybe people are better about it now, but I don't know how my parents met, and I don't know much about what their lives were like before that.  Or what my mother did while my father was in Europe fighting the war--they weren't married yet.  In other words, I know about them as parents, but not as people, never mind kids.

You may not care about your parents' experiences right now, but you might in the future, and it could be too late to find out.  And regardless, it's probably a safe thing to talk about, and you know what they say, people love talking about themselves, and probably love being asked about themselves even more.

On 1/31/2022 at 3:39 PM, mostlylurking said:

I kind of feel like telling them that if they are going to treat this trip as some sort of huge sacrifice on their part, they shouldn’t bother.  Like, don’t make yourselves into  martyrs on our account.  

What would be your desired outcome from saying this? 

It's doubtful they'll say, "Oh, you're right.  Now that you mention it, the only reason we're doing this is to look like martyrs, and that's terrible, so we'll cancel the trip."  And if that were to happen, how would you feel about it?  Maybe I'm wrong, but I get the feeling you wouldn't be going, "Yippee!!  They're not coming!!!!!"

And if they come anyway, they're probably not going to forget this.  And you might not want them to forget it, but again, to what end?

On 1/31/2022 at 3:39 PM, mostlylurking said:

I also hate that I care how I will be judged by others who think they are just the best parents ever and I am just the selfish daughter who won’t give an inch.  Why do I even care?  And how in the world do I stop?

That's a much tougher one.  But who are these "others" and how do you know what they think?  One way to not care what people think is to not know what they think.

[Cloud9Shopper]

My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I am working on this by trying to give her less information about my life, but even when I do trust her, she can be very judgey. I told her last night that I didn’t get to the next round of a job I had a phone screen for and she immediately accused me of being a problem when I vented about how one of my incompetent coworkers has a job (with better pay and a higher title than me). She said to me that I express my frustrations too openly, as if I interview badmouthing my coworkers and managers and acting like I have no manners. Then she tells me “I don’t know where you can go that will be more tolerant of you.”

Aside from the fact that my mom thinks I need to be prim and proper and glowingly positive about work 24/7 (and let’s face it, most people vent about work) and can’t even let my guard down in a DM or an anonymous forum, I have been at my current job for almost three years now with good reviews and no disciplinary problems. She is also a nurse (LPN) and has no idea what it’s like to try and search for a professional job where you might have multiple interviews and need to produce work samples/a portfolio. So she automatically defaults to the process being all my fault because I get frustrated sometimes in private communication mediums. Or does she think because I got fired from a receptionist job three years ago that means what? I never deserve to have a good paying job in a more suitable field? Not to mention she is a hypocrite because she rants plenty about her own job and has sometimes been in tears over the way she is treated there. Maybe next time I’ll tell her it’s all her fault and that obviously no one can tolerate her so she deserves it. Let’s see how that makes her feel. Maybe I’ll make her cry. It would be nice if she had to experience the same things she makes me feel. 

 

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I am working on this by trying to give her less information about my life, but even when I do trust her, she can be very judgey. I told her last night that I didn’t get to the next round of a job I had a phone screen for and she immediately accused me of being a problem when I vented about how one of my incompetent coworkers has a job (with better pay and a higher title than me). She said to me that I express my frustrations too openly, as if I interview badmouthing my coworkers and managers and acting like I have no manners. Then she tells me “I don’t know where you can go that will be more tolerant of you.”

Aside from the fact that my mom thinks I need to be prim and proper and glowingly positive about work 24/7 (and let’s face it, most people vent about work) and can’t even let my guard down in a DM or an anonymous forum, I have been at my current job for almost three years now with good reviews and no disciplinary problems. She is also a nurse (LPN) and has no idea what it’s like to try and search for a professional job where you might have multiple interviews and need to produce work samples/a portfolio. So she automatically defaults to the process being all my fault because I get frustrated sometimes in private communication mediums. Or does she think because I got fired from a receptionist job three years ago that means what? I never deserve to have a good paying job in a more suitable field? Not to mention she is a hypocrite because she rants plenty about her own job and has sometimes been in tears over the way she is treated there. Maybe next time I’ll tell her it’s all her fault and that obviously no one can tolerate her so she deserves it. Let’s see how that makes her feel. Maybe I’ll make her cry. It would be nice if she had to experience the same things she makes me feel. 

 

Family members can and will be verbally cruel to each other. My family is that way. I don’t know if this is the best way of handling it (good question for my therapist?) but when the conversation turns toxic I now say something like “I’m not feeling well. I’ll talk to you later,” and hang up.

Anyway, I can’t count how many positions I applied for that required heroic amounts of preparation like you describe, and in which I got to the point of being one of 2 finalists and did not get the job. So, it’s not just you. In that procedural system, it’s half of the best applicants.

And I’ve been fired for a variety of stunning and totally out of left field reasons. So have a lot of very capable employees–—at a loss to their employers and the people they serve.

Now I’m retired. 
At least I have a lot of good moments of my time working to reminisce about.  
And now there’s no reason to dwell on the crappy stuff.

[Rose Quartz]

1 hour ago, shapeshifter said:

Anyway, I can’t count how many positions I applied for that required heroic amounts of preparation like you describe, and in which I got to the point of being one of 2 finalists and did not get the job. So, it’s not just you. In that procedural system, it’s half of the best applicants.

And I’ve been fired for a variety of stunning and totally out of left field reasons. So have a lot of very capable employees–—at a loss to their employers and the people they serve.

Now I’m retired. 
At least I have a lot of good moments of my time working to reminisce about.  
And now there’s no reason to dwell on the crappy stuff.

Yep.  My entire group was laid off last year as part of a departmental reorganization, and we were the ones who interacted directly with our business partners!  From what I've heard since they haven't replaced most of the headcount and are using contractors instead, which makes things incredibly difficult both for our business partners and the people left in the department.

@Cloud9Shopper, I feel for you on the interview front. I went through three rounds of interviews last month and was pretty sure I was going to get an offer, then upper management decided the position needed to be on the other side of the country.  It was exhausting, and I had to take a break before I started looking at openings again.  Fortunately I'm close enough to retirement that I don't absolutely have to find another job, but I'd feel better getting a few more years in before I retire so I need to psych myself up to be ready to go through the interview process again.

[SusanM]

I know better than to give my daughter unsolicited advice where her children are concerned but she has been bending my ear for weeks about some problems she's having with her 9 yr old.  And the patteren I've noted, and did discuss with her, is the misbehavior is almost always in the late afternoon when he's tired and hungry and in no mood to be reasoned with. 

So she just texted me from the dentist's office where he has had a meltdown and I am literally turning off my phone right now because I can't be the supportive shoulder she needs right now when all I want to say is "what on earth possessed you to make a dental appointment for him at 4 pm when you have to KNOW that by then he is spoiling for a fight????"  

[Gramto6]

The only thing I can think of in her defence is in these days drs/dentists have scaled down appointments and so many people are in need that one can't be very picky about the available appointment time. But maybe she could have gone a week or more later??

[Browncoat]

Or maybe she didn't want to pull him out of school?

[SusanM]

I finally asked her what was up with the timing and it turns out it was her husband who made the appointment and it was as @Browncoat says, because he thought it would be better not to take him out of school.  Well he has now learned a lesson himself.  You can lead a kid to a dentist but you can't make him open his mouth.

[Leeds]

Please forgive me while I feel sorry for myself for a moment (or feel free to skip ahead!).

One of my kids is getting married this summer.  The location is out of town for myself and my siblings and their families.  I emailed my siblings this weekend to see if they wanted to rent a vacation home together after the wedding for a few days/a week - I was pretty sure they'd be staying on after the wedding since it's a beautiful part of the country with lots of the activities my family enjoys (they're also retired so don't have to get back to work).

Well, it turns out my siblings have already booked a place; a place that apparently has no space for me, so perhaps I "should rent my own place."   I am so incredibly hurt I don't even know what to do with myself.  When we get together we all get along, laugh a lot, enjoy the same things.  I can't remember there ever being any bad feelings or arguments, so I am at a loss as to why they wouldn't think to see if I were interested in participating in a shared house.  The dynamics of staying in the same place with everyone and "visiting" from a hotel are very different.

I'm not going to bring this up with my family, so thank you for indulging me.

[SusanM]

20 minutes ago, Leeds said:

I am at a loss as to why they wouldn't think to see if I were interested in participating in a shared house.  The dynamics of staying in the same place with everyone and "visiting" from a hotel are very different.

I'm not going to bring this up with my family, so thank you for indulging me.

The only excuse I can offer is that perhaps they assumed as the wedding is for your child that you had already made plans that you would not have wanted to change?  

That said I totally get what you are feeling right now and if it were me I'd be a lot more openly upset.  To the point where I'd definitely be asking them point blank "Hello?  When did I get voted out of the family?" and depending on the answer I'd be asking my kid to make some changes to the wedding guest list.  

[Scarlett45]

15 hours ago, Leeds said:

Please forgive me while I feel sorry for myself for a moment (or feel free to skip ahead!).

One of my kids is getting married this summer.  The location is out of town for myself and my siblings and their families.  I emailed my siblings this weekend to see if they wanted to rent a vacation home together after the wedding for a few days/a week - I was pretty sure they'd be staying on after the wedding since it's a beautiful part of the country with lots of the activities my family enjoys (they're also retired so don't have to get back to work).

Well, it turns out my siblings have already booked a place; a place that apparently has no space for me, so perhaps I "should rent my own place."   I am so incredibly hurt I don't even know what to do with myself.  When we get together we all get along, laugh a lot, enjoy the same things.  I can't remember there ever being any bad feelings or arguments, so I am at a loss as to why they wouldn't think to see if I were interested in participating in a shared house.  The dynamics of staying in the same place with everyone and "visiting" from a hotel are very different.

I'm not going to bring this up with my family, so thank you for indulging me.

I’m sorry you’re hurt. 
 

i think it would be fair to share with your siblings how you feel, but I don’t think this was a slight to you. 
 

A shared vacation house sounds like hell on earth to me- too many people, noise, no housekeeping/room service. And I too love having out with my family/friends on vacation and then going back to the PRIVACY of my hotel room to do what I want to do without having to consider another person. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy our time together. 

15 hours ago, SusanM said:

The only excuse I can offer is that perhaps they assumed as the wedding is for your child that you had already made plans that you would not have wanted to change? 

This too. Given you are Mother to the person getting married-you have have other duties or arrangements. 

Also I have to ask- are you the only single person in your group of siblings? This doesn’t happen in my family (we have lots of single adults) but sometimes people can be “weird” about “couples vs singles”. 

[Leeds]

16 hours ago, SusanM said:

The only excuse I can offer is that perhaps they assumed as the wedding is for your child that you had already made plans that you would not have wanted to change?  

That said I totally get what you are feeling right now and if it were me I'd be a lot more openly upset.  To the point where I'd definitely be asking them point blank "Hello?  When did I get voted out of the family?" and depending on the answer I'd be asking my kid to make some changes to the wedding guest list.  

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

I’m sorry you’re hurt. 
 

i think it would be fair to share with your siblings how you feel, but I don’t think this was a slight to you. 
 

A shared vacation house sounds like hell on earth to me- too many people, noise, no housekeeping/room service. And I too love having out with my family/friends on vacation and then going back to the PRIVACY of my hotel room to do what I want to do without having to consider another person. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy our time together. 

This too. Given you are Mother to the person getting married-you have have other duties or arrangements. 

Also I have to ask- are you the only single person in your group of siblings? This doesn’t happen in my family (we have lots of single adults) but sometimes people can be “weird” about “couples vs singles”. 

I appreciate you guys thinking about me and trying to put a positive spin on things, but the truth is, while I cherish time alone, I also would love the opportunity to spend a week with my family, whom I see rarely.  (I always make sure to have my own bedroom/bathroom to escape to, and I have no qualms bowing out of activities if I've had enough company.)  Equally, the singles/doubles (and children/no children) has never been an issue for any of us at various other occasions.

As to having other duties, my ex-husband and I were joking together just last week that we have no duties before the wedding, never mind after!

Since I realize I am starting to spend too much time on this, I think I may well bring it up just to get it out in the open (for me).  I don't want something like this to spoil the actual reason we'll be together in the first place. It would be so selfish and unfair to let this detract from what should just be a joyful time for my child and their partner.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Leeds

[Scarlett45]

42 minutes ago, Leeds said:

Since I realize I am starting to spend too much time on this, I think I may well bring it up just to get it out in the open (for me).  I don't want something like this to spoil the actual reason we'll be together in the first place. It would be so selfish and unfair to let this detract from what should just be a joyful time for my child and their partner.

Of course you wouldn’t let it spoil your child’s day. But you’re a person too and you have a right to your feelings. 
 

Being left out SUCKS. It just does. 

[Bastet]

Since this isn't a pattern, it doesn't seem like there was any slight intended when they arranged a sibling rental house -- I suspect they thought of themselves and you as separate entities this one time because you're the parent of the bride, whereas if you were all going to be in one place for some other reason, of course they'd have included you in their search for a place to stay.

But because it naturally feels like a slight, I'd go ahead and ask, so you can know and feel better.

[Leeds]

I've found the perfect antidote to feeling sorry for myself about family slights, perceived or otherwise -- reruns of The Great British Baking Show.

[PRgal]

I know I rant about my mom too much, but here goes:  She recently scolded me for not masking outdoors.  It's hot.  It's uncomfortable. Cases aren't as high as they were in the winter.  I really only mask indoors in busy places.  She even rolled her eyes when I said I didn't mask at the gym.  Why would I even do that?  Do you know how uncomfortable that is?  She really thinks I'm 5, doesn't she?

Edited June 24, 2022 by PRgal

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, PRgal said:

She even rolled her eyes when I said I didn't mask at the gym.  Why would I even do that?  Do you know how uncomfortable that is?  She really thinks I'm 5, doesn't she?

Numbers are lower there than they were in the winter? They are skyrocketing here. I have so many friends (and know so many people) who were careful and are still careful, masking, vaxxed and boosted, and are testing positive. In this case maybe you should heed her advice at the gym. To protect yourself, and your child (and your family).

Edited June 24, 2022 by theredhead77

[PRgal]

11 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Numbers are lower there than they were in the winter? They are skyrocketing here. I know so many friends who were careful and are still careful, masking, vaxxed and boosted, and are testing positive. In this case maybe you should heed her advice at the gym. To protect yourself, and your child (and your family).

I didn't even mask at the gym when cases were higher - we weren't required to (though the trainer was).  I only masked while shopping when masks were mandatory.  Honestly, I don't give a you-know-what anymore.  I can't have her lecture me like this.  It's very toxic. 

ETA:  We don't really know the EXACT number of cases since only those with symptoms are getting a PCR test.  Hospitalizations are definitely down.  And these are the current stats for Toronto.

Edited June 24, 2022 by PRgal

[Jane Tuesday]

I (and two of my coworkers) just got covid at a work event, and gave it to my parents. My nurse niece and her husband are also recovering; they didn't get it from us. All of us are having it for the first time. Just saying. The collective "we" may not be talking about it, but it's not gone.

As for your mother, cut her out of your life, learn to ignore her, or resign yourself to her "toxicity". She lectures you because you listen. 

[isalicat]

2 hours ago, Jane Tuesday said:

As for your mother, cut her out of your life, learn to ignore her, or resign yourself to her "toxicity". She lectures you because you listen. 

Succinctly said! Seriously, PRgal...you need to be an adult finally in this relationship and treat your mom like an adult as well. That means a "come-to-Jesus" talk, and then absolute enforcement of the boundaries that you have set. If she won't treat you as an equal adult then perhaps a trial separation of some duration is in order. You really are not going to live like this the *rest of your life*, modeling this for your kid, are you? Easy to give advice, I know - you are one who has to do the hard work. I had to do this on a very specific issue a few years after I got married and my mom was criticizing my husband incessantly. Not her place! We got it settled though and so can you.

Edited June 26, 2022 by isalicat
forgot a useful word!

[kristen111]

On 5/23/2022 at 8:21 PM, SusanM said:

The only excuse I can offer is that perhaps they assumed as the wedding is for your child that you had already made plans that you would not have wanted to change?  

That said I totally get what you are feeling right now and if it were me I'd be a lot more openly upset.  To the point where I'd definitely be asking them point blank "Hello?  When did I get voted out of the family?" and depending on the answer I'd be asking my kid to make some changes to the wedding guest list.  

I would confront them and ask why you weren’t included or even asked.

[theredhead77]

4 minutes ago, nokat said:

My sister and brother apparently hate me.  I am the youngest and they thought I was spoiled. I kind of was. I always got called the baby.  I was the good one. They were assholes who put mom through a lot.

I ghosted them for years. They are good still at making me feel horrible.

There is such thing as Golden Child syndrome. As a kid they could have been reacting to how your mom treated them vs you. Not your fault but that doesn't negate their feelings, either. As an adult you choose how you let them make you feel. If they make you feel horrible create some boundaries and go no contact, or low contact.

Quote

Basically, even though all the children may live in the same home, they could have completely different experiences because the golden child is seen as unable to do anything wrong. They're constantly touted as perfect, and are often held up as a comparison for how the siblings "should" be.