S01.E01: Kidnapping 2.0

[shapeshifter]

The hilariously bad reviews of this show are the best thing about this show.

That and also we now have a great name for our next pet (Elijah Mundo). Wait. Does that mean he would be Elijah Mundo, pet detective?

[henripootel]

I choose to believe that somewhere Chloe is howling with derision, and downing a shot every time James does the slo-mo Action Hero Entrance on CSI: Geek Starring James Van Der Beek.

Luther: "'Elijah Mundo'?  Sounds like the Bible on tape read by Fonzie.  You'd better be getting EP credit for this."

[Ariah]

Oh my.

 

The slow-mo. The dialogue. The pensive looks. The hollywood hacking. The stereotypes.

It's so bad it's almost crossing into comedy territory.

 

I had respect for JVDB after that short Power/Rangers Bootleg movie - he was actually good there! It's hard to say he is good here, as he's barely a character. Just your stereotypical good looking man of action who can talk to kids and should - probably - sue his parents for bad choice of names. (Still, at least his name is memorable)

 

PA plays the typical senior officer, the mother figure with troubled past (will she catch the bad hacker who disclosed her clients? should I care?). I couldn't stop thinking there's something wrong with her teeth. Also the scenes with the baby? Probably aimed to be endering, but came out campy. PA's line deliver hurt, especially when she was doing her David Caruso impression. ("Shut it down." - oh, the drama!)

 

The rest of the cast... unmemorable. In a pilot, where everyone should get a time to shine, they just... were. The Lil' Bow Wow guy was in the forefront as a token newbie, but he's nothing to write home about.

 

Why was the doctor (?) performing the virtual autopsy (sic) dressed in military uniform? Is he NCIS? Should I care, again?

 

No memorable female characters (which is a magnet for me), which is sad in a CSI series spearheaded by a woman. The girl-hacker just blended in the background (again, a token otaku? I don't know).

[Kromm]

PA plays the typical senior officer, the mother figure with troubled past (will she catch the bad hacker who disclosed her clients? should I care?). I couldn't stop thinking there's something wrong with her teeth. 

I love how the try tried this typical "vengeance quest backstory" device with her, and tried to link it to the show's subject matter as her magic inspiration, but how it just came off as lame.

 

As for PA's teeth, I think most of the Internet spent years making fun of her teeth on Medium.  So she gets a pass from me on that.  But NOT on her descent into totally shitty Caruso type acting.  In fact, there must be some major bad juju on that set, because Peter MacNicol was doing it too.  So not one, but TWO supposedly decent actors suddenly turning into hacks?  Wow.

The rest of the cast... unmemorable. In a pilot, where everyone should get a time to shine, they just... were. The Lil' Bow Wow guy was in the forefront as a token newbie, but he's nothing to write home about.

Again, it wasn't a Pilot--the pilot was some time ago on CSI Vegas as a Backdoor Pilot.

 

They don't have the excuses a cast or writers would have in a Pilot. It's an early episode, true, but it was after production on the show was ramped up to shoot a full season, vs. what happens on a Pilot, where they dangle stuff out there to get series approval, often half-knowing it's going to have to be changed for the full series. 

[Danielg342]

Wow. Just wow.

 

So I totally loved Patricia Arquette-Bot 2.0...man, what happened? I didn't see her Oscar-winning turn but I remember her in Medium and, as ridiculous as that show was, at least she had feelings there. In this show? I'm pretty sure an actual robot could do a better job than she did.

 

Hey, I think I know what the real crime on this show is- who hacked Patricia Arquette?

 

Then we get to the rest of the boys- I mean, team: from James van der Beek (whose character name I wouldn't have bothered to remember had I not seen his name displayed on this board), Bow Wow (he's not "Lil" anyone guys!), the fat dude with a beard (who I think stole David Crumholtz's name) and some girl named Raven who looked more like an actual doll than a human being.

 

Oh, and Peter McNichol! Who also seemed to have been hacked, because he was much better on NUMB3RS and Ally McBeal. Good to see that he's actually in charge for once- and, in what might be this show's only bright spot, however minor- at least when this show decided to have a token character to play "the overall boss who appears for five seconds in every show to bark orders", they decided on a white guy, not the usual black or Latino or a woman or a black or Latino woman.

 

I'll be fair- I actually thought the Beek was pretty good, being very suave and having a lot of fun with the role, and I actually liked the fat guy (whom I understand is actually named Daniel Grummitz and is played by Charley Koontz) and Bow Wow's character, Brody Nelson, especially when the latter two of the were on the screen. They were the only two characters who seemed to have any actual chemistry, and I loved them bantering back and forth. If they had decided to centre the drama around those two, I think I'd watch every week- at least I'd have some form of entertainment while they resolve cases I've seen a million times before.

 

As for the case itself- well, I thought we'd be in for a series that would deal with illicit auctions, hackers, phishing scams, bank hacking...that kind of thing, with perhaps a murder thrown in every week because, well, it's hard to get too involved with numbers on a screen. I didn't think this show would simply recycle the same cases that millions of other shows have done before and simply throw in computers (with those computers working so conveniently for the viewers at home! Note to the writers: malware code doesn't magically turn red once you find it).

 

Then the case...ho hum. A baby gets kidnapped. The baby turns out to be part of a human trafficking ring sell babies to parents who want to fast-track the adoption process. All right...perhaps that's not a bad concept. However, there was no deeper exploration of the criminal motives, no real examination of the parents' lives, no attempt to find out who this baby is...this was just your rudimentary "will they save the baby in time?" episode...and we all know how that turns out. I get it, a network is probably never going to allow a baby to be killed, at least during the opening episode, but something like that drains the suspense. I'm of the maxim that if you're going to make the journey a foregone conclusion, at least make the journey fun and interesting, and these writers didn't even try.

 

Then there were all those attempted misdirects...you know, for such a sophisticated ring, they were terrible at hiding their tracks. At least Rae Gray was cute as Vicky McDale. Ricky Skaggs, though? Poor choice of a name...did they really have to use the name of a bluegrass legend as the name of a dirtbag criminal? I think if I was the real Skaggs I'd sue, just for the poor taste. I also wonder why the sniper was so close to Skaggs and McDale- did he know the police were coming? I'd also think a better shot like him would stay further in the distance, making him harder to catch. I would also think there didn't even need to be a sniper, because I could see the traffickers using McDale/Skaggs as pawns to sacrifice for the FBI. The real traffickers would use aliases and burner phones and all that stuff when talking to the kidnappers, just so that if the kidnappers get caught, the traffickers wouldn't get revealed (at least not as quickly as tonight). Of course, that would imply there's good writing on this show and there's not.

 

Will I be back next week? Probably not. The Beek was cool and Nelson and Grummitz had this wonderful Psych thing going on, but considering none are focal characters, I can't see any future installments being at all entertaining. Which is a shame- because a concept like this is worth exploring. Oh well, on to the next attempt.

[Tony]

Oh for fuck's sake - the kidnappers will 'seek higher ground' due to 'evolutionary instincts'?  

 

Baahhaaaa that line actually made me laugh out loud because it was such nonsense. 

[RedheadZombie]

I thought it was very strange that Dawson just walked up and knocked on a kid's window.   Stranger was the kids opening the window like it was an everyday thing. 

 

I also found it strange that someone in China would want to pay a million dollars for a white baby.  How inconspicuous.

[henripootel]

I also found it strange that someone in China would want to pay a million dollars for a white baby.  How inconspicuous.

Stranger or less conspicuous than auctioning said baby whilst still at the scene of the crime?  Having in no way restrained the parents, who will likely do anything (up to an including throwing away their own lives) to prevent this?  This may be the stupidest thing I've ever seen on a police show.  And then then I kept watching, and thrice more said to Mrs. Pootel, 'no, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen on a police show'.

Edited March 7, 2015 by henripootel

[jmonique]

What was up with the super random choice of shots and framing? It was 60 minutes of heads. I noticed Patricia's teeth for the first time ever just because the camera was always on its way practically up her nose.

 

As for the rest, I can't even. This is clearly just a paycheck for most of these people.

[TimetoShine]

Bow Wow had to rhyme in order to determine they should try the numbers in date order? Really? This was actually worse than I thought it would be.

[90PercentGravity]

Not only that, all those supposed geniuses on site who figured out the dates had something to do with it in the first place had to conference him in to figure it out.

[sherpamelissa]

As someone that adored the cheese of CSI: Miami, I'm willing to give this show awhile to see if it embraces it's cheese or not.  I thought Dawson was a lot of fun.  Arquette, not so much. 

[Nadi]

This was so bad and not in a "so bad it's good" way. PA was just so lifeless. I was so bored I kept studying her face hoping to detect a hint of movement. Boring and stupid, I'm definitely not coming back for seconds.

[Trini]

A handclap for all of you who watched this. I wanted to at least watch to snark, but then they aired the promo with Bow Wow 'rapping' through clues, and I had to back out. Thanks for confirming that's this is worse than I thought!

Edited March 8, 2015 by Trini

[cynic]

I can't even believe how awful that was. Seriously, there were parts that I couldn't believe actually made it to broadcast. I won't even list all the things that were wrong with it, because it was just all bad and I would be here all day. I will, however, just make a special mention that I hated haaaaaated the chubby jerk who was being obnoxious towards the walking cliche criminal who needs redemption.

[RedheadZombie]

I've always found PA very hit or miss when it comes to acting.  She also has a child's voice, so it's hard for me to take her seriously in this role.

 

Stranger or less conspicuous than auctioning said baby whilst still at the scene of the crime?  Having in no way restrained the parents, who will likely do anything (up to an including throwing away their own lives) to prevent this?  This may be the stupidest thing I've ever seen on a police show.  And then then I kept watching, and thrice more said to Mrs. Pootel, 'no, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen on a police show'.

 

Especially since the baby is on a video monitor.

[Raachel2008]

Boy, that show gives bad a new meaning. It is probably one of the worst things I have seen.

[Driad]

It actually could have been worse -- PA could have worn tank tops.

[tomatoflyer]

This was so bad, it seemed like a parody.

 

I have never seen Patricia Arquette, and for all the hoopla I heard over her, that performance was utterly disappointing.

 

And what is up with the FBI letting everyone die? They didn't even try to save any of those people! Why did only one person jump in to the water? They were just watching from the sidelines.

 

How did this make it? This is bad even by CBS standards.

[Whimsy]

I've given up on all CSI shows a few years ago.  I only tuned into this one because of James Van Der Beek. 

 

I agree- this was bad.  I will continue to watch while it's on just to have as background noise because I do love JVDB.  I never really saw the great appeal of PA, and I even saw Boyhood.  Her voice bugs, her teeth bugs, her dramatic scenes are in the same screechy tone of voice.  I just don't like her even though I did watch ALL of Medium.  

 

The show had cliché after cliché after cliché.  I won't repeat the ones already mentioned.  I noticed right off the bat that the husband was asleep with his glasses on.  No one sleeps with their glasses on.  So, add another one to the stupid column. 

[solotrek]

The show had cliché after cliché after cliché.  I won't repeat the ones already mentioned.  I noticed right off the bat that the husband was asleep with his glasses on.  No one sleeps with their glasses on.  So, add another one to the stupid column. 

The guy had a book on his chest, so they probably had him falling asleep reading. To be fair to the show (which was awful), I've fallen asleep with my glasses on. Sometimes with my laptop next to me, a book on or next to me, or with all my lights on and my music on. As far fetched as the rest of the show, this was one thing I can get behind. Heck, sometimes I'll turn off all my lights and leave my glasses on so I'll "take a nap instead of having a real sleep".

[Whimsy]

The guy had a book on his chest, so they probably had him falling asleep reading. To be fair to the show (which was awful), I've fallen asleep with my glasses on. Sometimes with my laptop next to me, a book on or next to me, or with all my lights on and my music on. As far fetched as the rest of the show, this was one thing I can get behind. Heck, sometimes I'll turn off all my lights and leave my glasses on so I'll "take a nap instead of having a real sleep".

I guess the reason I questioned it was all of the lights were off and his wife was next to him.  When my hubby falls asleep with his glasses on I nudge him and tell him to take them off before I turn off all the lights and settle down.  I agree, it's a little nitpick.  In all honesty, I feel it was just so the actor could jump out of bed and run to the son's room without fumbling with glasses. 

[Sandman]

I don't think the actor wears glasses in life; at least, I've seen him in many other (and better) things without them. I thought it might have been a detail about how quickly he fell asleep (sleep-deprived parents of a newborn, etc.), but that doesn't explain the lights being off, as GenL points out.

And we've now officially put more thought into this episode than the writers.

[TV Anonymous]

It would have been so much better if she'd dreamt who the kidnappers were while hanging out at the table with her cute hubby Joe...

 

No can't do. Joe has his own job in Cheyenne, WY as Provisional Governor.

[Neurochick]

Is it true that this show is a hit? I found it offensive for some reason.  Offensive because of its stupidity.  

 

At the end when Ryan was telling Bow Wow about why she's doing this work, she said that she was a psychologist "at the beginning of the Internet" and her computer was hacked.  I found that strange, because the beginning of the Internet would have been the late 80's, early 90's.  I worked for a university, and I was using the Internet in '93.  I do know that universities and the military were online earlier than most businesses.  

 

I can't see a psychologist having her patient's files on a computer that would be accessible to the Internet.  If she'd said her disks were stolen, that would have made more sense, or that she was working in a university and it happened.  

Edited March 10, 2015 by Neurochick

[Raja]

Is it true that this show is a hit? I found it offensive for some reason.  Offensive because of its stupidity.  

 

  

In general CBS promo's all there shows as the number one (add in the specific demographic group). The third week or so will normally tell. After all a couple of years ago Vegas routinely won its time got an early order for 22 episodes only to meet CBS shifting its time before dropping the order to 21 episodes and cancelling it

[Kromm]

Is it true that this show is a hit? I found it offensive for some reason.  Offensive because of its stupidity.

So far, yes. We shall have to see tomorrow night if Maw and Paw Neilson stick with it (probably). It's up against NBC's Chicago PD, another multi-show franchise. So again for lazy viewers who like comforting familiarity--but that franchise I think also skews a bit younger than the CSIs, and some new untested show on ABC ("American Crime"), so to be honest it's chances are probably pretty good of racking up big numbers (at least for a 10PM show).

[Guest]

These comments are hilarious.  I came to post that I quit in mid-ep-two.  It seemed exactly like an SNL parody of a CSI show, and I don't even watch CSI shows so if I see it, it's bad.  

 

And whoever said it's a joke role for JVDB in Don't Trust the B... EXACTLY.  (Now I miss that show.  Damn viewers don't respect humor.)  

[Danielg342]

Liberally, if we choose to interpret "Upstate NY" as actually being the Northeastern part of the state and not the Western part (so like Albany instead of Syracuse, Rochester or Buffalo), and "Baltimore" as "North of the bad traffic ring around Baltimore", and totally ignore traffic clusters in several places on the trip (like NYC, which alone could double the transit time), then it's still around 5 hours.

It's too far for most helicopters too, so that's likely out as an explanation as well. They'd have to have done a few transfers, car, to plane, to car or copter.

I think the thing that got me was that we had a worldwide baby auction ring and the headquarters were so conveniently located in Paterson, New Jersey. You'd think that the people operating the ring would design it so that they'd get the baby out of the country as quickly as possible, especially for the guy that won the baby.

I get that the writers didn't want to worry about too many things, which is why they kept the story in the U.S., but if that was the case, why didn't they decide to make the story about an American baby ring, instead of an international one? Far too often crime shows have "international crimes" with the criminals so conveniently solely operating in the U.S.- you'd think for such sophisticated criminals, they'd be smarter than that.

[brandyelf]

I tried to go to the store this morning, but evolutionary instincts drove me uphill instead of downhill.

[Sandman]

Next time I'm late for work, I'm blaming it on evolutionary instincts!

[90PercentGravity]

At the end when Ryan was telling Bow Wow about why she's doing this work, she said that she was a psychologist "at the beginning of the Internet" and her computer was hacked.  I found that strange, because the beginning of the Internet would have been the late 80's, early 90's.  I worked for a university, and I was using the Internet in '93.  I do know that universities and the military were online earlier than most businesses.

 

Maybe she was referring to a physical location. Like maybe the internet begins where the sidewalk ends.

[Sandman]

Sounds like Agent Ryan needs to step off the sidewalk and go play in network traffic.

[DollEyes]

 Delurking with more hate for this show in general and this episode in particular. It sucked like a hooker on payday, from start to finish. An SNL parody would've been better. Not much better, but better. That it wasted The Beek and Peter MacNicol's talents is bad enough, but its wasting Patricia Arquette is unforgivable. Given PA's well-deserved, Oscar-winning performance in Boyhood, this is definitely a big step down. As for Bow-Wow's-excuse me, Shad's- supposedly choosing this over Empire, I'd say the producers of that show definitely dodged a bullet. Empire's not "perfect," by any means, but even a bad episode of that is still way better than this piece of shit.

Edited March 22, 2015 by DollEyes

[iscoffy]

So we really had to do the last shot of Arquette sitting on the Lincoln Memorial Steps - sorry, a bad green screen of the Lincoln Memorial Steps... Really?! It's just so cliche. I mean the whole thing was awful but that last shot killed me. I'm dead now.

That was so tremendously awful.  So awful, I was almost hoping every episode would end with Arquette brooding (expressionlessly) about "the hacker that got away" (and destroyed her career!) on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.  As one does.