Small Talk: "I'll Take Non-Show Chat For $400, Alex."

[saber5055]

It's Thursday and I have more jokes. Stop reading here if you can't stand any more.

A man was driving down the highway with five penguins in the back seat of his car. A cop spotted him and pulled him over. "You need to take those penguins to the zoo," he told the man. The man replied, "Okay officer, I will do that." The next day, the man and the five penguins drove by the cop again. The cop turned on his lights, pulled the man over and said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The man replied, "I did, and we had so much fun, today we are going to the movies."

The doorbell rings. The man opens the front door, looks down and sees a snail on his front step. He picks up the snail, throws it into his front yard, and shuts the door. Three years later, the doorbell rings. The man opens the front door, looks down and there is the same snail. The snail says, "What was that about?"

A thesaurus walks into a bar, saloon, bistro, tavern, pub ...

[saber5055]

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter.

I had one more joke but cannot remember it.

You're welcome.

[Prevailing Wind]

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I may be a typo."

 

[saber5055]

I had heard Land O Lakes was getting rid of the Native American woman on its butter packages, and this story from today's Onion reminded me. An old boyfriend showed me how he (who had a 9-year-old's mentality) could do a couple origami folds and voilá, the woman had naked breasts. (Just move the knees up to in between her hands and cover up the butter.) Ever since, I've been irritated by the woman's knees having ... well, nipples. Its like the company wanted that to happen. I quit buying Land O Lakes.

Meanwhile, it's still fun (at any age) to turn George Washington into a mushroom on the dollar bill, and put a baseball cap on Abe on the five.

[secnarf]

4 hours ago, saber5055 said:

 

Meanwhile, it's still fun (at any age) to turn George Washington into a mushroom on the dollar bill, and put a baseball cap on Abe on the five.

I don't know about mushrooms or baseball caps, but in Canada it's a 'thing' to "Spock the Fives"https://mymodernmet.com/canadian-spock-your-fives-bill/

 

[saber5055]

7 minutes ago, secnarf said:

in Canada it's a 'thing' to "Spock the Fives"

Great link; thanks. The old note guy looks like Spock without being "Spocked," and the new fiver Spock actually made me LOL.

Saying this as a huge Star Trek/Spock fan.

[suebee12]

It is Thursday....time for some jokes? Was waiting for @saber5055 to post but here goes!!

A tomato family is walking down the road, baby tomato falls behind. Daddy Tomato goes back and slaps him on his head and says, Ketchup! (Groan)

 

Then daddy tomato gets hit by a turnip truck. He's rushed to the hospital and right into surgery. Eventually, the surgeon comes out and tells mommy tomato "I have good news and bad news. Your husband will live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." (I know tomatoes are fruit but that doesn't work for this!)

 

This is a thinking kind of riddle!

Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over a rainbow. Sing it!

 

[saber5055]

Hey! I have a whole collection for Jokey Jokey Thursday but didn't post due to being a little under the mental weather. So it's nice you missed me @suebee12, that perks me up and makes me feel better.

Meanwhile, I love your tomato-y jokes. But I don't "get" the pie joke. I'll keep working on it, it might dawn on me in the middle of the night.

I came here to post that Buzzy Cohen is on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he is the helper friend for contestant Hannibal Buress. Hannibal only got through two questions before the show ended, so he and Buzzy will be back next Thursday. The funny part is, voice over somehow enacted itself, and when Buzzy was introduced, the VO said, "Buzzy wears round glasses." Made me laugh.

I'm going to keep VO on that show next week too.

[saber5055]

Okay, so it's almost Nothing's Funny Friday, so I'll put a few Jokey Jokey Thursday entries here. Starting with some of the latest cannibal news.

Ever wonder if cannibals eat clowns? They don't, they taste funny.

Then there was the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods.

A weasel walked into a bar. "Whataya have," asked the bartender. "Pop" goes the weasel.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

A man dropped a glass in the kitchen and it shattered. He says, "Oh, no, I broke a glass." His wife replies from the living room, "I'll get the broom." The man says back, "No hurry, you can walk."

The Invisible Man had three kids, but they were nothing to look at.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.

Dating advice: Don't get hooked up with a tennis player, they think love means nothing.

And finally, a salute to my favorite holiday coming up next week on May 5:

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Cuatro cinco.

(The end. Because I can't read the rest of my notes. You're welcome.)

[Driad]

Jeopardy fans should be able to explain this one:

Three logicians walked into a bar.  The bartender asked, "Would all of you like drinks?"  The first logician said, "I don't know."   The second logician said, "I don't know."  The third logician said, "Yes!"

[BuckeyeLou]

1 hour ago, saber5055 said:

Hey! I have a whole collection for Jokey Jokey Thursday but didn't post due to being a little under the mental weather. So it's nice you missed me @suebee12, that perks me up and makes me feel better.

Meanwhile, I love your tomato-y jokes. But I don't "get" the pie joke. I'll keep working on it, it might dawn on me in the middle of the night.

I came here to post that Buzzy Cohen is on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he is the helper friend for contestant Hannibal Buress. Hannibal only got through two questions before the show ended, so he and Buzzy will be back next Thursday. The funny part is, voice over somehow enacted itself, and when Buzzy was introduced, the VO said, "Buzzy wears round glasses." Made me laugh.

I'm going to keep VO on that show next week too.

I got a kick out of seeing Buzzy as the helper friend on "Millionaire"...I guess he is making a living out of his Trivia expertise? 🙂

[saber5055]

5 minutes ago, Driad said:

Jeopardy fans should be able to explain this one:

I need a Jeopardy fan to explain this one to me. AND the pie joke.

I have a great math joke for next week, although I need to understand it before I can post it. Maybe by next Thursday I might have it sorted out ...

Buzzy was a surprise and a hoot to see on WWTBAM. The helper before that, WaPo's Dave Weigel, I follow on Twitter. Who knew he was friends with Ike (who was very smart, BTW).

I've been trying all week to see Elon Musk's SpaceX Starlink satellite string, it was all the talk in Chicagoland last Sunday night, it was so bright. People thought it was an alien invasion. But alas, tonight was another fail. *sigh*

[suebee12]

38 minutes ago, saber5055 said:

AND the pie joke.

Remember, I told you to sing it! "Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Weigh up pie!

[peeayebee]

12 hours ago, saber5055 said:

Then there was the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods.

Ewwwww! 😄

I'm sorry to say I need the logician joke explained as well... Or maybe I do understand it. Kinda.

I love all these jokes. Thanks youse guys.

[saber5055]

1 hour ago, peeayebee said:

I'm sorry to say I need the logician joke explained as well... Or maybe I do understand it. Kinda.

That is totally illogical.

[Driad]

14 hours ago, Driad said:

Three logicians walked into a bar.  The bartender asked, "Would all of you like drinks?"  The first logician said, "I don't know."   The second logician said, "I don't know."  The third logician said, "Yes!"

Here's the solution (spoilered for those who don't want it yet):

Spoiler

The bartender asked if they *all* wanted drinks.  If first logician did not want a drink, that would mean they did not all want drinks, so s/he would say no.  So s/he did want a drink, but did not know whether the other two did, so s/he said "I don't know."  Same logic for the second logician.  Therefore the third knew that the first and second wanted drinks.  Third did too, so s/he said "Yes!"

 

[saber5055]

19 minutes ago, Driad said:

Here's the solution (spoilered for those who don't want it yet):

Thanks a lot for making my brain hurt. (JK!)

[saber5055]

15 hours ago, suebee12 said:

Remember, I told you to sing it!

I did, and I still didn't get it until you explained it. I'm such a dumbass.

[Driad]

April showers bring May flowers.  What do May flowers bring?

Spoiler

Pilgrims.

 

[zoey1996]

Quote

@Trey We couldn't afford those boughten things, we had to make our own or do without.

I grew up on a farm in the 1950's-60's.  But mom also worked for her dad who ran a grain elevator.  So we had some of our own food that we grew, and some income to supplement when necessary.  Plus our grandparents (my mom's mom and dad) helped with some things from time to time when they could.  My grandparents had a big garden, flowers and vegetables,, and we also had a vegetable garden on the farm, plus our own cherry trees.  I still remember one of the leaner years, when we got tired of beef steak and roast.  They'd butchered a cow and that's almost the only meat we had, except for chicken which they also raised and slaughtered.  I also remember days at grandma's, when she and mom would blanch vegetables to freeze, jelly and pickle making, and canning. They also plucked chickens to freeze.  One year my other grandmother came and made cherry pies with cherries from our trees, so we had cherry pies in the freezer for the year.

On days when mom worked, my brother and I stayed at Grandma's.  She fixed noon dinner every day, so we'd had a big meal at noon.  A lot of times, we'd have lunch meat (bologna, etc.) sandwiches for supper.  I always thought it was because it was cheap.  When I got out on my own, I figured out that it was because with sandwiches, mom didn't have to cook, because it wasn't that cheap.  Mom was a good-enough cook, but she didn't like having to cook.  My grandmothers were both excellent cooks, and she didn't feel that she measured up.

Thanks for the stroll down memory lane.

[saber5055]

41 minutes ago, Driad said:

April showers bring May flowers.  What do May flowers bring?

It took a minute but I actually got that one. Yeay me!

Edited May 2, 2020 by saber5055

[Trey]

21 minutes ago, zoey1996 said:

I grew up on a farm in the 1950's-60's.  But mom also worked for her dad who ran a grain elevator.  So we had some of our own food that we grew, and some income to supplement when necessary.  Plus our grandparents (my mom's mom and dad) helped with some things from time to time when they could.  My grandparents had a big garden, flowers and vegetables,, and we also had a vegetable garden on the farm, plus our own cherry trees.  I still remember one of the leaner years, when we got tired of beef steak and roast.  They'd butchered a cow and that's almost the only meat we had, except for chicken which they also raised and slaughtered.  I also remember days at grandma's, when she and mom would blanch vegetables to freeze, jelly and pickle making, and canning. They also plucked chickens to freeze.  One year my other grandmother came and made cherry pies with cherries from our trees, so we had cherry pies in the freezer for the year.

On days when mom worked, my brother and I stayed at Grandma's.  She fixed noon dinner every day, so we'd had a big meal at noon.  A lot of times, we'd have lunch meat (bologna, etc.) sandwiches for supper.  I always thought it was because it was cheap.  When I got out on my own, I figured out that it was because with sandwiches, mom didn't have to cook, because it wasn't that cheap.  Mom was a good-enough cook, but she didn't like having to cook.  My grandmothers were both excellent cooks, and she didn't feel that she measured up.

Thanks for the stroll down memory lane.

Sounds like you grew up in Heaven!

[saber5055]

2 hours ago, Trey said:

Sounds like you grew up in Heaven!

I agree. And got a firm foundation and substantial set of the right kind of values from it. You were/are lucky, whether you realize it or not. Respect.

Meanwhile, I am jealous of those cherry trees, they make my favorite pie ever. I could weigh a ton of those "over the rainbow"!

[zoey1996]

2 hours ago, Trey said:

Sounds like you grew up in Heaven!

I appreciate that now.  Growing up  there was good, much better than I realized at the time.

[dcalley]

On 4/17/2020 at 4:11 PM, Ailianna said:

I grew up in Moscow, Idaho.

I've never been but for some reason know that there's a nice little co-op grocery there!

I had a dream that I saw the first Jeopardy episode filmed without an audience, and it was kind of sad.

[saber5055]

7 minutes ago, dcalley said:

I had a dream that I saw the first Jeopardy episode filmed without an audience, and it was kind of sad.

But I was on that episode and I won!

Actually, since the audience isn't suppose to speak, I don't think it will be missed. They can play some canned applause and I'd be good. At least I was for all the games I won ... in your dream!

[Prevailing Wind]

Y'all may or may not have missed me. Pardon any typos. I've forgotten how to type in a week. Last Sunday, the acute abdominal pains getting too much to bear, 911 schlepped me to the hospital, where I had my gall bladder yanked the next day. They've finally let me out yesterday and I'm now at my brother's, where Bosco and Stella have been since Surgery day.  We had a nice reunion. I don't know how long I'll be staying here while I recuperate AND they've got me on oxygen, so I think a visit to a pulmonologist will be in order.  Doc said the gall bladder was so full of stones, they were choking the blood supply and the organ was dying. Sheesh. No wonder I had digestive issues.

But the most "galling" thing of all, at least while I was gooned on morphine, was the local NBC affiiliate didn't have any sound from the station. THe soundtrack was an Hispanic radio station.  I had to watch Jeopardy! with the mute and the closed captioning on. It's not as much fun that way.

Anyway, although I still wish I were dying, it's good to be back.

[dcalley]

4 hours ago, saber5055 said:

But I was on that episode and I won!

Actually, since the audience isn't suppose to speak, I don't think it will be missed. They can play some canned applause and I'd be good. At least I was for all the games I won ... in your dream!

In my prophecy dream, Alex mentioned the lack of an audience and was very somber. The challenger on the far right seemed a bit shaken. That's when the dream, or at least my recollection of it, ended, so I missed your win! Boo hiss!

Good health/recovery thoughts to you, @Prevailing Wind!

[Browncoat]

Good to have you back @Prevailing Wind!  I hope you continue to recover well!

[peeayebee]

12 hours ago, Prevailing Wind said:

Y'all may or may not have missed me.

Duh!

I hope you feel better soon. Why are you on oxygen?

 

[saber5055]

Hokey smokes, PW. Glad you are back amongst the living and made it through your ordeal okay, and that there was a Bosco and Stella reunion. Jeopardy might be a fun watch with a Bad Bunny/Fonsi soundtrack, although I admit the clues might be more difficult to decipher. Keep us updated on your progress. The oxygen thing makes me worried ...

[saber5055]

To all readers of this thread today, MAY the FOURTH be with you.

[j5cochran]

1 hour ago, saber5055 said:

To all readers of this thread today, MAY the FOURTH be with you.

And also with you!

Or . . . And with your Jedi spirit!

(I'm told the first is the Methodist response and the second is the Lutheran!)

[SoMuchTV]

2 hours ago, j5cochran said:

And also with you!

Or . . . And with your Jedi spirit!

(I'm told the first is the Methodist response and the second is the Lutheran!)

They're both Catholic, depending on how old you are.  (I'll leave Latin out of it.)

[saber5055]

5 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

They're both Catholic, depending on how old you are. 

So Jedis are Catholic ... who knew!

[Prevailing Wind]

Re: Oxygen. Breathing on my own, I'm only about 85% saturated. The goal is 98-99 % and the oxygen helps with that. I have a plastic toy-looking thing that I'm supposed to suck air out of, helping my lung capacity. When I get proficient at that, I'm supposed to measure my oxygen saturation. If it's fine, I should dial back the oxygen provided by a half-liter. Right now, I'm on 2 liters. Keep sucking air on that thing, measure again the next day or two. If O-Sat is good (95 or over), dial down the delivery again until I can be weaned totally off the oxygen. I don't know why the problem exists in the first place, but this is how they're correcting it. It may have to do with the supression of breathing during morphine treatment and trying to get back to normal.

I went upstairs yesterday to visit my cats. They came by to say hello, and then ignored me. I feel betrayed.  This morning, the "bad" (aggressive) resident cat was locked in the garage. Another one, the sweetheart Moses, was outside playing, so we figured only having to deal with wusses Tallie and Lucca would be OK, so Bosco came downstairs and explored a lot. The humans were breakfasting on the back porch (screened in) and Bosco came out to join us. He had a nice time, but realized Lucca was getting testy, so he went back upstaris, like a good guest who knows when to leave. LOL.  Stella lives under the bed during daylight hours.

My SIL tells me that one night she went exploring. Their closet has motion sensor-lights, but set high enough a cat won't turn it on...unless you're Miss Stella jumping INTO the laundry basket to explore. The height of her jump turned on the light and she scared the crap out of herself, knocking the laundry basket over. Carmen had to tell her it was OK, she's not in trouble, she didn't do anything wrong.  Poor girl.  I'm gonna go upstairs in a little while & see if they'll socialize with me today.

Every day is a little better, but I wish the double-agent, assassin dreams would end. I'm having the worst dreams of killing people and being killed.  They're HORRIBLE!.

(And now I've accidentally signed up the household for Acorn.tv and I can't figure out how to cancel it.)

[illdoc]

1 minute ago, Prevailing Wind said:

(And now I've accidentally signed up the household for Acorn.tv and I can't figure out how to cancel it.

Probably go to their website, login, and your account might have a "cancel" section (or the website has a FAQ "How do I cancel my account?")

[saber5055]

7 minutes ago, Prevailing Wind said:

Every day is a little better, but I wish the double-agent, assassin dreams would end. I'm having the worst dreams of killing people and being killed.  They're HORRIBLE!.

I used to constantly have dreams like those, dead people, people chasing me trying to kill me, witches, people with knives, me hiding, blah blah blah. I finally one night, I said in my dream when some witch was chasing me with a knife to kill me as I jumped over dead bodies and places I tried to hide were full of dead people, I said "This is just a dream so STOP IT and STOP IT NOW." The dream did indeed stop, and after repeating that one or two more times, I've never had another dream like those. Now my dreams are fun and I hate waking up, they are such a great escape.

Good luck.

Keep us informed about your oxygen progress. And cats ... that's one example of why I like dogs. Mine act like I've been gone for years when I just come in from getting the mail ... crying and jumping and wanting me to hug and pet them, they missed me so much.

Eh, everyone might like Acorn.tv ... ?

[Prevailing Wind]

Hahahaha. No, no one in this household would like Acorn TV. They watch FauxNews and OAN. DVR'd Survivor. Not the type for Midsomer Murders or Doc Martin.

[saber5055]

3 minutes ago, Prevailing Wind said:

Not the type for Midsomer Murders or Doc Martin.

But who doesn't love Sydney Chambers on Grantchester? (All three of these shows are on free PBS here, I don't know anything about Acorn. Maybe I'll accidentally sign myself up for it?)

[Clanstarling]

43 minutes ago, illdoc said:

Probably go to their website, login, and your account might have a "cancel" section (or the website has a FAQ "How do I cancel my account?")

If you accidentally signed up on Amazon Prime, you need to get to their manage subscriptions page. I know this because I signed up for one network/streaming service on Prime, but didn't realize that using the service app instead of Prime wasn't the same, and ended up with two accounts. That was a mess!

Cancelling on Prime was easier.

Edited May 5, 2020 by Clanstarling

[peeayebee]

I'm on a 30-day free trial for Acorn thru Prime. I only signed up for that to watch all of Foyle's War. Now that we're done, I'll cancel. We do like British programs, but I subscribe to too many services as it is.

[ABay]

With Britbox and Acorn, I subscribe for a month, cancel, wait a few months for enough new content to accumulate, then subscribe for another month, and so on.

I prefer subbing through Amazon because it's a consistent interface; the Roku apps for channels are often wonky, in my experience.

[peeayebee]

17 hours ago, ABay said:

With Britbox and Acorn, I subscribe for a month, cancel, wait a few months for enough new content to accumulate, then subscribe for another month, and so on.

I didn't know you could get another free month down the road.

[Clanstarling]

27 minutes ago, peeayebee said:

I didn't know you could get another free month down the road.

I game a couple of them. Since they typically only have one or two shows I like, I wait until the season is over to sign up. By the time the next season is over, there's no problem getting a free week or month. I was surprised it worked the first time I did that. 

[saber5055]

I haven't done any of the free months since I "assumed" I would have to give my credit-card number, then it would be impossible to cancel after free time was over.

Well, that plus I'd feel I'd have to sit and watch shows for a solid month instead of doing things like work. ("WORK!" -tm Maynard Krebs)

[Prevailing Wind]

My brother was successful in cancelling the Acorn account I signed him up for. He said, "Gee, thanks."  I think I need to go home to finish recuperating.

[saber5055]

2 hours ago, Prevailing Wind said:

My brother was successful in cancelling the Acorn account I signed him up for. He said, "Gee, thanks."  I think I need to go home to finish recuperating.

Just goes to show ya, no good deed goes unpunished.

[suebee12]

It is Thursday, and another joke. I apologize in advance but I have to admit, I LOL when I saw this one....

 

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman ...begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[saber5055]

Thank you @suebee12 for warming up the crowd as the opening act for this week's Jokey Jokey Thursday. Let's start with some quarantine jokes because, you know, it's so hilarious. And speaking of, do you know what kind of jokes are recommended by the CDC during quarantine? Inside jokes.

My house got TP’d last night. It was worth $50,000, but now it's appraised at $875,000.

Not to say I've gained some weight during quarantine, but I found my old hula hoop in the garage and it fits now.

And on a related note: A little girl asks her father, “Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time?’” He replied, “No, there’s a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If I’m elected, I promise ...’”

A lady called her husband at work, and says, “Hey, do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll and they keep stabbing it and stabbing it?” Husband says, “No, why.” And she pauses and then goes, “Okay, how about now?”

Father Thomas sees a little boy reaching up to ring the doorbell, so he kindly picks the child up so the kid can ring it. Then he sets him back down and says, “What now my son.” And the kid says, “Well now father, we run like hell.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. They pitched a tent one night and went to sleep. Middle of the night, Holmes wakes up and says, “ Hey Watson, look up and tell me what you see.” Watson says, “I see a million stars.” Holmes says, “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson says, “Well some of the stars must have planets and at least on one of those planets ... “ Holmes cuts him off and says, “No, Watson, someone stole our tent.”

And finally ...

I thought I’d tell you a time travel joke, but you didn’t like it.

Don't worry folks. I got a million of 'em. (Hears this thread page being shut down all over the world.)

Oh, and speaking of the world, there's this factoid:

As an American, I get tired of people saying America is the dumbest country. That’s ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the dumbest country.

Edited May 8, 2020 by saber5055