Pet Peeves: Aka Things That Make You Go "Gah!"

[Bastet]

12 minutes ago, Maharincess said:

We were sisters when we were growing up. We walked to and from school together every single day from kindergarten through middle school, if I wasn't at her house she was at my house. We have our own secret language and words that mean nothing to anybody but us.  I didn't have the best childhood and my friendship with her is the only thing that made it bearable.  Every one of my childhood memories has her in it.

And that's why you have such a hard time cutting the cord. 

But whether it's someone we're related to, used to be in love with, once had a close friendship with, whatever -- the past connection matters, certainly, but it doesn't eclipse the present circumstances.  Our shared history and the good stuff it involved means we give second (and more) chances we wouldn't otherwise give rather than walking away as we would from someone lesser known to us, but it doesn't require us to do so in perpetuity.  Letting go of someone who has become toxic doesn't negate the time in our lives they were a positive part of; we'll always have those memories, and their role in our lives at that time will always be valuable.  But if the relationship is unhealthy with no fix in sight, there's no use clinging to it (and there can be harm in doing so).

[TattleTeeny]

11 hours ago, ratgirlagogo said:

Woof, no they're not.  A "person of interest" might just be a witness. Maybe a relative or friend of someone named as a possible suspect.

No idea what "woof" is supposed to mean but as for the rest, not in the context of the ongoing conversation here (and I did say "basically."). "Person of interest" is a deliberately vague term employed for PC/media purposes and investigative discretion. It essentially means almost nothing in criminology lexicon; it's a gentle way of saying, "We think you're shady but we don't want you to know we think so." Also: "Definition of person of interest:  a person who is believed to be possibly involved in a crime but has not been charged or arrested"). 

Anyway, yes, maybe I should have extended that thought to include "in the commission of a crime" but people here in this forum are intelligent enough to grasp that in light of the previous posts. But whatever--my point is that "suspect" is indeed the wrong word in the examples I mentioned. 

Edited December 27, 2016 by TattleTeeny

[BookWoman56]

9 minutes ago, Maharincess said:

We have gone through periods where I've "broken up" with her and she gets nasty, really nasty.  A few of the things she's done is way back when I was renting a house she threatened to call my landlord and make up all kinds of shit about me, she's threatened to make up shit and try to break up my relationship, she's threatened to tell my kids things I've done in my past. My kids know everything, I haven't held anything back from them. She actually called my Dr and told her that I'm a drug addict and I take a months worth of pills in a week and I sell the other pills I get.  She lives near a good friend of mine and she pretty much stalks her to see if I'm at her house then she whines to me that I never go to her house. 

I could literally go on for an hour about things she's done to in the past 40 years.   We were sisters when we were growing up. We walked to and from school together every single day from kindergarten through middle school, if I wasn't at her house she was at my house. We have our own secret language and words that mean nothing to anybody but us.  I didn't have the best childhood and my friendship with her is the only thing that made it bearable.  Every one of my childhood memories has her in it.   If she hadn't turned into a raging psycho we would have a dream friendship. 

I think the words "raging psycho" are what's most relevant here. This person is not behaving rationally. She sounds BSC and possibly dangerous. If you can't bring yourself to "ghost" her completely, then please try to minimize any contact. Her behavior is abnormal and stalkerish, and frankly would be setting off huge red flags if she were my friend. This may sound harsh, but the person you bonded with as a child is gone, and what remains is something fairly sinister.

[Maharincess]

I haven't actually physically seen her in over a year. She texts me every day and I reply but even that turns into drama. I can't tell you how much I hate drama in my life.  She keeps begging to get  together and I keep making excuses.  I want to cut off even the texting because she stresses me out so much. 

Thanks you guys. You're the best with the advice. She pulled some shit today with the bashing of everything my family and I did on Christmas and that brought it all to the front of my mind again.  

[AgentRXS]

I know how you feel because I've been through something similar in my life as well. Even in my last relationship, when my ex started cutting me down/mocking me over things I was sharing with him, I eventually stopped sharing much with him at all. Every answer was kept general so I gave him no material to work with. 
I would suggest, until you're ready to cut her out completely, to just keep the conversation light and share nothing personal.  I'm learning myself that not everybody in my life deserves total access to it. If people want to know what's really going on with me, they have to earn it. If they are going to make me or try to make me feel like shit about myself, then they will be kept at a distance and knowledge will be shared on a need-to-know basis.

I know how horrible it feels to lose a person that's grown to be toxic but still knows you better than everyone else. It happened to me and took me along time to get over (albeit, the friendship wasn't a 45 year old one). But really, you've been in the mourning process of the loss of your childhood friend ever since her pattern of hurt began. If you're at the point where you wouldn't even cry if she died, then there is no reason to continue w/the friendship.

[TattleTeeny]

I was actually just telling the BF about a friend breakup, during which I said, "My life is better without you!" I realize not everyone can say that--or should say that!--and I admit that I didn't even mean to; it just popped right out! But it did feel like a weight had been removed, partly because it was too late to hesitate or turn back from a remark like that...and partly because it was 100% true.

Same for a relationship with a guy that my friends nicknamed "The Waverer" (which should have been a HUGE clue...but I really liked him so much, man!). But once it was done, no matter how mean I sounded, it was DONE. Kind of a "scorched earth" technique, haha!

Edited December 27, 2016 by TattleTeeny

[backformore]

2 hours ago, bilgistic said:

I hate lipstick now. I can't remember when I last owned any. I'm too lazy. Lip balm is a necessity, of course, but big nope to lipstick.

I wear makeup for work, or for going anywhere.  I rarely wear lipstick.   I tried to, because it looked good on other people.   I'd try it on, I liked the way it looked, and then within minutes, my lips would feel this horrible itchy/burning sensation, and I'd have to take it off.  I wore other makeup, but it seemed I was allergic to lipstick.  

I came to find out later that some of the dye used in cosmetic products (also in food) is actually made of a by-product of beetles (Cochineal, Carminic acid, Carmines and Natural Red 4).  And that is what I am apparently allergic to.  I have had success with Bare Minerals lipstick, it doesn't have those ingredients.  So I have two lipsticks in a kind of neutral beige/pink which basically is the same color as my lips anyway.  But I forget to use it most days, because it wasn't part of my routine for so long.

[Maharincess]

@AgentRXS, I haven't told her anything personal about me or my family in a very long time.   Anything I've ever told her has been used against me in on way or another. Plus she's one of those people who if you tell her something, within 5 minutes she's told everybody she knows. 

I'm determined that 2017 is going to be Terri free.  

Edited December 27, 2016 by Maharincess

[TattleTeeny]

Terry-Free in 2003 (plus 14)--I just wanted it to rhyme!

[backformore]

1 hour ago, Maharincess said:

I haven't actually physically seen her in over a year. She texts me every day and I reply but even that turns into drama. I can't tell you how much I hate drama in my life.  She keeps begging to get  together and I keep making excuses.  I want to cut off even the texting because she stresses me out so much. 

Thanks you guys. You're the best with the advice. She pulled some shit today with the bashing of everything my family and I did on Christmas and that brought it all to the front of my mind again.  

@Maharincess - I went through something similar with a childhood friend.  We had been, like you said, as close as sisters.  Actually closer, in my case.  Then, when we were both married, there would be subtle and then blatant "digs" about my marriage.  Because I wasn't a doting wife who cooked every day and ironed and all that. (Pardon me, I was in grad school!)  I put up with her because of our history, and chalked it up to us having different ideas about marriage. We stayed close, but she kept making little comments putting down my life choices.

Then, when my son was little, he had a lot of difficulties.  Medical, behavioral, sensory issues, fevers, dental issues, orthopedic issues, neurology issues, everything you can name.  HIs reactions to things were very difficult to predict, he would freak out over little things that didn't bother most kids.  And he used to scream, hit, kick, cry, over almost everything.    My "friend"  could not  stop judging me for it, saying that my son behaved the way he did because I allowed it.  She would constantly bring up that HER son didn't do those things, and my son did, so obviously, it was the result of our styles of parenting.   She also made it clear that she didn't believe in any of the problems he had, he was just "spoiled", and I was looking for excuses.   I was too insecure about parenting a child who was different to stand up to her.  All I knew was that I felt like crap, and she made me feel worse.

 This was before social media, before texting.   In our area, the phone company did a major overhaul around that time. we go a new area code and phone exchange, but for a while, some people could only get through by using the old area code and new exchange, some vice versa, depending on whether they were in the city or the 'burbs.  Anyway, I made the choice to not call her and not give her our new number.   I "ghosted"  her, before that was a thing.  It was a time in my life when I was most in need of support, and all I got from her was criticism, so I cut her loose.  

I have never regretted cutting her loose.  I HAVE regretted the way I did it, and wish I had been able to tell her exactly how she made me feel. 

[AgentRXS]

@Maharincess  Oh, ok. I was thinking even sharing what you got for Christmas is too personal, based on her reaction.

[Maharincess]

5 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

@Maharincess  Oh, ok. I was thinking even sharing what you got for Christmas is too personal, based on her reaction.

You're right.  Even telling her what we did and what I got my family for Christmas was turned into a weapon.  I mainly meant I haven't told her any personal information about us. Like my daughter went through an issue in her marriage about a year ago and I needed a friend to talk to about it.  I went to my real friends and didn't say a word to her about it.   But yeah, even Christmas presents was too personal to tell her.  

[Blergh]

 Maharincess,

 

  Please change as many numbers, physical addresses and social media contacts as you can as soon as possible and make it a point to send her one registered letter spelling out that she is not to attempt to contact you in any form ever again if she doesn't want legal consequences meted upon herself (and KEEP any future attempts in a safe place even if you don't feel like prosecuted her at this time so you have ammo in case the harassment becomes completely intolerable). No point in having your own corner of the world overwhelmed by someone like this when you already have plenty on your plate as it is!

[DeLurker]

12 hours ago, Maharincess said:

We're both 51 and have been friends since the summer before kindergarten. We lived next door to each other, parents were best friends and we have so much history together

Did she have a rough home life too?

I'd guess the hard part is that you know with 100% certainty that she has inside her, somewhere, the spirit of that little girl that kept you sane when everything else was so harsh.  And just like your soft heart would take in all sorts of damaged souls, be they people or animals, and try to make them better, you are still looking for that essence of who she once was and what you once shared.

Have you ever talked to her about her cutting remarks?

[backformore]

1 hour ago, DeLurker said:

Have you ever talked to her about her cutting remarks?

One way to do this is to simply reply with "Ouch" when she says or texts something that hurts your feelings. 

[TattleTeeny]

8 hours ago, Blergh said:

 Maharincess,

 

  Please change as many numbers, physical addresses and social media contacts as you can as soon as possible and make it a point to send her one registered letter spelling out that she is not to attempt to contact you in any form ever again if she doesn't want legal consequences meted upon herself (and KEEP any future attempts in a safe place even if you don't feel like prosecuted her at this time so you have ammo in case the harassment becomes completely intolerable). No point in having your own corner of the world overwhelmed by someone like this when you already have plenty on your plate as it is!

Yeah, maybe you should. What you're detailing is beyond that run-of-the-mill "frienemy" bitchery. 

[Sun-Bun]

Maharincess, I truly do feel your pain; I had a friend breakup this past Spring, and as sad as it was((and in some way still is)), it was definitely for the best. Because when a friendship starts to feel like a chore and like you're almost like a prisoner to that person's endless negativity and drama, it's time to step away. 

I'd been friends with this gal for over 10 years, shared all kinds of fun times and even was her roomie for a while, traveled with her, went to her daughter's wedding, etc...we were very close. But because I drink and she doesn't, I'd often hear cutting remarks disguised as "sarcasm". And because I'm happily married and she isn't, it'd be the same way. And if I befriended or hung out with different folks or hung with people in different social circles and didn't talk shit about them with her, I'd be accused of being "phony." There were always invented issues with her---and I'm an easygoing person who laughs off a lot of bullshit, but it gets too tough to dodge those barbs after a while.

We'd had words in the past few years when she claimed I wasn't a good enough friend to her liking, but pardon me if being forced to spend hours with someone at a time((we couldn't just have lunch or go shopping, she demanded an all-day/all-night "experience")) isn't my idea of a healthy friendship. She'd had fights and words with ALL our mutual friends and I was constantly defending her because she came from an abusive family/first marriage and suffers from fibromyalgia, so I tried to be understanding. I even lost a few mutual friends because I remained loyal to her, because they couldn't believe I'd remain good friends with "that crazy woman." When she finally gave me the random pouty silent treatment for a few weeks, not returning my calls/emails/texts, even unfollowing me on social media, until it finally culminated into a long dramatic text about how I was a shitty friend who wasn't sympathetic to her is when I'd *finally* had enough and told her in a polite way to kindly fuck off and get out of my life for good.

To be honest, it feels SO nice to have that mess of a friendship out of my life! Life's way too short for pointless drama indeed. It was like ripping off a band aid, but it was so worth it. I hated to have to do that and I still wish her well despite everything, but I'll never allow that poison to infect my life ever again.

So do what you have to do for YOU---no "friend" is worth regularly losing that kind of energy over.

[bmasters9]

On 12/26/2016 at 3:58 PM, BookWoman56 said:

I caught hell on a visit to my in-laws because I excused myself from the mandatory watching of TV to go upstairs and read. Again, there was zero conversation going on; this was literally just everyone sitting in the den, lights off, watching TV. But somehow I was at fault for wanting to do something that I would find enjoyable and much more productive than sitting in the dark with a group of people who weren't even having a conversation.

Were they seeing something on television that you did not care for-- is that why you wanted out of there?

[topanga]

4 hours ago, bmasters9 said:

Were they seeing something on television that you did not care for-- is that why you wanted out of there?

That situation sounded like a living hell, regardless of what was on TV. I would've bolted, too. 

[DeLurker]

On Saturday afternoon, I met a woman when I went out to walk my dog.  She used to live in the house across the street from me and now her parents live there.  We had a normal minute or two of chit chat before she was asking me how I felt about Trump's call with the leader of Taiwan.  I'm clearly Asian, so she just assumed I was Chinese when in actuality my Mom is Taiwanese.  She kept asking me how "my people" felt about the call and the implications between them and China as a result.  She also, wrongly, assumed the father of my children must be Asian too.

It was just so bizarre to be seen as an ethnicity first.  I lived to long in So Cal where being Asian, or half in my case, isn't anything special.  The Houston area is a bit more mixed than other areas of Texas too so I haven't really encountered that attitude in recent memory.

[auntlada]

2 hours ago, DeLurker said:

On Saturday afternoon, I met a woman when I went out to walk my dog.  She used to live in the house across the street from me and now her parents live there.  We had a normal minute or two of chit chat before she was asking me how I felt about Trump's call with the leader of Taiwan.  I'm clearly Asian, so she just assumed I was Chinese when in actuality my Mom is Taiwanese.  She kept asking me how "my people" felt about the call and the implications between them and China as a result.  She also, wrongly, assumed the father of my children must be Asian too.

It was just so bizarre to be seen as an ethnicity first.  I lived to long in So Cal where being Asian, or half in my case, isn't anything special.  The Houston area is a bit more mixed than other areas of Texas too so I haven't really encountered that attitude in recent memory.

That is weird. Among other things, I would never discuss politics during chit chat with someone I met on the street.

At a Christmas tea, I sat next to a woman I sort of know. We have mutual friends and see each other at parties at our friends' house. She was discussing being Muslim, which she was raised but which she doesn't really practice now. She was wearing a sort of head scarf when the men were present, but this is the first time I have ever seen her wear one, so I think she is reconnecting culturally if not religiously, if that makes sense. I was curious about her background, so I asked what her ancestry was, as she is definitely and obviously American. That is the only way I can think to ask that question politely and then only in the course of conversation already started about family. And, of course, I will be glad to share mine, although it is Scottish, English, Irish and German mostly with probable but unprovable American Indian thrown in somewhere.

[DeLurker]

1 hour ago, forumfish said:

I'm in Austin, which is pretty diverse. One day, I was waiting for a haircut at one of those walk-in places. A man was sitting down in the stylist's chair -- he looked somewhat Asian -- and the stylist -- who looked definitely Asian -- asked "what are you?" I couldn't believe it. Even though she may have meant no offense, I (a white chick) was offended on his behalf. I wanted to yell, "he's a human!"

I have seen people with unusually striking, beautiful features that made me wonder what their ethnic background was. If I was curious enough to ask a complete stranger about something so personal, I think I could come up with a more polite way to phrase the question.

My ex (white guy) would get offended on my behalf when other Asians would ask "What are you?" or just say "Oh!  You're half!".  It wasn't offensive to me though, but part of that was who was asking (another Asian) and the general tone of the conversation.  It was based on sincere interest, not looking at me under some ethnic microscope as a curiosity.

I've probably been less than diplomatic when asking about other peoples background or culture.  I met quite a few people from different areas when I was in California and had an endless list of questions about how they handled growing up in Southern California and retaining a cultural identity that was very different from what they were surrounded with.  I did preface my questions with "If this is rude, just tell me" and they were people I was friends with already (and so would have told me to MYOB).

[ParadoxLost]

When I was a kid a stranger asked me if I was adopted.  I'm not but it traumatized the hell out of me. 

[BookWoman56]

12 hours ago, bmasters9 said:

Were they seeing something on television that you did not care for-- is that why you wanted out of there?

I have zero recollection of what specifically they were watching. I'm fairly sure it was pretty standard fare major network drama or comedy.  But the thing is, I don't watch a lot of television to begin with. Of my time dedicated to the combo of reading, listening to music, and watching TV, it probably breaks down to 75% reading, 20% listening to music, and 5% watching television. I have a few shows that I watch, although most of the shows I am actively watching right now are on Netflix, and I'm simply pacing myself rather than binge-watching.  So I found myself in a situation where they were doing this activity that is not something I particularly like, and I excused myself to go do something that I preferred. Had this been an actual family activity with conversation going on, I would have stayed and tried to participate. But it wasn't. Nobody had clued me in that this was a mandatory family activity, until my MIL sent Husband #1 upstairs with instructions that I needed to rejoin the family in the den. So I could sit there in the dark, watching a show I had no interest in, in complete silence. Because yeah, that's some quality family time right there. 

7 hours ago, topanga said:

That situation sounded like a living hell, regardless of what was on TV. I would've bolted, too. 

It was. After that first time, I would just use the time to think rather than watch the show. At that time, I didn't want a confrontation with the in-laws and so I never told them that from my perspective, it was a total waste of time. But that interaction was typical of his family; they expected me to adapt completely to their way of life with no regard whatsoever for what I would prefer. I was finishing up my undergrad degree when we got married, with the intention of going on to grad school. My MIL proceeded to inform me that I needed to be sure to get my teaching certificate/license and skip grad school, so I could follow my husband to whichever cities he ended up in his career path and always be sure of getting a job myself. It was obvious my career didn't matter at all other than to support his. This was a long time ago, and obviously attitudes were a bit different. But I feel sure that even today, they still would have had the same attitude regarding my career. 

[topanga]

4 minutes ago, BookWoman56 said:

Quote

Were they seeing something on television that you did not care for-- is that why you wanted out of there?

I have zero recollection of what specifically they were watching. I'm fairly sure it was pretty standard fare major network drama or comedy.  But the thing is, I don't watch a lot of television to begin with. Of my time dedicated to the combo of reading, listening to music, and watching TV, it probably breaks down to 75% reading, 20% listening to music, and 5% watching television. I have a few shows that I watch, although most of the shows I am actively watching right now are on Netflix, and I'm simply pacing myself rather than binge-watching.  So I found myself in a situation where they were doing this activity that is not something I particularly like, and I excused myself to go do something that I preferred. Had this been an actual family activity with conversation going on, I would have stayed and tried to participate. But it wasn't. Nobody had clued me in that this was a mandatory family activity, until my MIL sent Husband #1 upstairs with instructions that I needed to rejoin the family in the den. So I could sit there in the dark, watching a show I had no interest in, in complete silence. Because yeah, that's some quality family time right there. 

Quote

That situation sounded like a living hell, regardless of what was on TV. I would've bolted, too. 

It was. After that first time, I would just use the time to think rather than watch the show. At that time, I didn't want a confrontation with the in-laws and so I never told them that from my perspective, it was a total waste of time. But that interaction was typical of his family; they expected me to adapt completely to their way of life with no regard whatsoever for what I would prefer. I was finishing up my undergrad degree when we got married, with the intention of going on to grad school. My MIL proceeded to inform me that I needed to be sure to get my teaching certificate/license and skip grad school, so I could follow my husband to whichever cities he ended up in his career path and always be sure of getting a job myself. It was obvious my career didn't matter at all other than to support his. This was a long time ago, and obviously attitudes were a bit different. But I feel sure that even today, they still would have had the same attitude regarding my career. 

I'm curious about how your husband reacted to both situations--did he defend you? Did he try to get you to go along with his family? Did he say anything?

[Bastet]

I'm trying to imagine getting annoyed that someone opted to read rather than watch TV under these circumstances - where everyone is truly just sitting around watching TV, rather that it being any sort of interactive experience - let alone dispatching someone to go drag the reader back to the couch, and I can't do it. 

This is not surprising; people who think being related, friends, romantically involved, etc. means you must do everything together baffle - and annoy, if I'm the one to whom they're clinging like a barnacle - me.

[BookWoman56]

@Bastet, I cannot for the life of me understand people who buy into compulsive togetherness. When the situation with my former in-laws occurred, I was in shock because I grew up in a completely different environment. I come from a long line of people who prize solitude. My parents would do some activities as a couple, they would do some activities not as a couple but with friends, and they would do still others completely alone. Virtually everyone in my family is used to the idea that you don't need to hang out with family members, BFFs, or significant others all the time. We need our alone time and get seriously cranky if deprived of it. So that experience was major culture shock for me.

Topanga, my husband didn't really stand up for me on the issue of the mandatory family time; he just told me what my MIL had said and commented that it was a longstanding family tradition. I bit back the impulse to tell him it was a meaningless family tradition. With the career issue, it was funny in a way. My ex was reasonably intelligent, but he was essentially a B student; he was never going to be the best in any subject, but neither would he be the worst. The morning after the conversation about how I should become a teacher, my MIL started talking about college entrance exam scores. She was a teacher and so was quite familiar with the various exams; she was bragging about the test scores of the youngest son, who had just received his score report. My FIL was also throwing in his two cents about the importance of good grades and test scores. So then they asked me about my test scores, and were a bit taken aback to learn that my test scores were significantly higher than any of their kids' scores, and I had been a National Merit finalist. They assumed that I couldn't possibly be smarter or have better grades than their kids.

[Maharincess]

I'm another one who doesn't understand the "must do everything together at all times" mentality.  I love my honey more than life but I wouldn't want to spend every single waking minute all up in his face. We love doing things together but we also love our own space and I think that's ok!   We're coming up on our 28th year living together but we wouldn't have lasted 28 days if he expected me to be by his side and do what he's doing all the time.  

When our family gets together we do our stuff together but we also have no problem if one of us slips away and does our own thing.  We all went to my daughter's house for the day on Monday, a couple of us were in the family room, a couple in the garage and I was in my grandson's bedroom playing with his new Christmas train set with the kids.  Nobody got bent out of shape about it.

[riley702]

9 hours ago, forumfish said:

I'm in Austin, which is pretty diverse. One day, I was waiting for a haircut at one of those walk-in places. A man was sitting down in the stylist's chair -- he looked somewhat Asian -- and the stylist -- who looked definitely Asian -- asked "what are you?" I couldn't believe it. Even though she may have meant no offense, I (a white chick) was offended on his behalf. I wanted to yell, "he's a human!"

Eons ago (20+ years), when I was on the transport team picking up a patient at another hospital, this happened. OK, small-town Indiana, but even then, we were appalled when the local doc asked our doc, "What kind of Asian are you?" We cringed, but he calmly replied that his parents were Japanese. She then goes on to ask, "So, how would I know by looking that you were Japanese instead of Chinese, etc.?" He laughed it off with "We're better looking.", but on the trip home, we were all shaking our heads at how clueless she was and how offensive that whole exchange was.

Edited December 29, 2016 by riley702

[backformore]

The forced togetherness drives me crazy.  I grew up in a large family, living in an apartment.  I never had my own room, desk, dresser, or anything. At age 19 I was in a studio apartment, on my own, and it was the first time I ever had my own space.  Cheap, crappy, with worn-out carpet and a bathroom door that never closed all the way - but I loved it.    When I got married, one big fear I had was not having solitude when I needed it.   It's worked out, because we work different schedules.  Because my husband likes having the TV on all the time, I relish my time alone in the house, when I can keep it quiet.  I really enjoy quiet, I always have. 

What really drives me crazy is that for his family and mine, when there's a family gathering, (Christmas, for example) all the men congregate in one room, around the TV.  They end up missing the chit-chat, catching up with people you don't see often, even watching kids open gifts - because their eyes are glued to a movie they've seen a dozen times.   I just can't imagine.  family members coming from all over, one has been travelling for the past year, one is recently engaged, others are graduating, working at new jobs, retiring, etc.   If I'm with people whom I haven't seen in a long time -The last thing in the world I want to do is to sit and watch TV with them.  Unless people are getting together specifically to watch a sports event together -  Why can't the TV be turned off? 

[Maharincess]

When my guy is home we have our own spots. He has the downstairs and I have upstairs. We have our own TVs because we have complete opposite taste in shows.  we have a couple of shows we watch together and when he's home Saturday night is movie night and I make some good snacks and we snuggle down and watch movies.  And..people think this is so wrong but it works for us, we have our own beds.  He used to work nights and the kids and I were on a different schedule so we got used to sleeping alone. We don't always sleep apart but for the most part we prefer sleeping alone. Well, alone with whatever animal sleeps with us that night. TMI but people think we have no, um...intimacies since we have our own beds but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  It's not everybody's cup of tea but it all works very well for us.  I can't wait for him to be home every night. 

[zxy556575]

My ex is Polynesian and grew up in a large extended family where everyone (mother, stepdad, grandmother, siblings, two uncles/wives and their seven children) lived in a compound with three houses and slept on their mats in the same room. After he and I moved to the States, there was a time I was going to be gone for a couple of days on business. He had never in his life spent a night by himself and was actually a little frightened. It was one of the (many) occasions I looked at him with an inquisitive head tilt, like he was a foreign species. He ended up going over to stay at his sister's house.

Anyway, there are some extroverts in this world who thrive on the hubbub! (His family didn't have a TV, though. They were all about the talking.)

[JTMacc99]

6 hours ago, backformore said:

Because my husband likes having the TV on all the time, I relish my time alone in the house, when I can keep it quiet.  I really enjoy quiet, I always have.

I'm with your husband. I hate (Loathe!) the quiet in my house. It just makes the house feel depressing and lonely. Given the children and small zoo I'm running here, you would think I'd welcome some quiet time, but nope. 

And I've been to family gatherings where the men sat down in front of a TV, but there was always some level of chit chat. Even if the guys are thinking that they're only there so that their wives and kids can visit with their families, they still manage to talk sports, jobs and politics. 

On a different note, and I think this belongs here, Joe Walsh got me with a good one this morning with "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do".  True, that. 

Edited December 29, 2016 by JTMacc99

[Blergh]

OK, here's a term I wish would be retired soon (yeah, I know, good luck with THAT in this rude, crass era)- 'slut shaming'.  Not only do I find the first part of the term offensive in of itself but it seems ,by using the entire term, one needlessly tags the alleged victim whom others had initially dissed instead of doing anything to help or even verbally support said victim.

[topanga]

2 hours ago, Blergh said:

OK, here's a term I wish would be retired soon (yeah, I know, good luck with THAT in this rude, crass era)- 'slut shaming'.  Not only do I find the first part of the term offensive in of itself but it seems ,by using the entire term, one needlessly tags the alleged victim whom others had initially dissed instead of doing anything to help or even verbally support said victim.

I understand why you don't like the term. I only use it as an example of people 1) calling a woman's (almost always a woman's) dating/and or sexual behavior "slutty," and 2) in 2016, daring to imply or say outright that a woman who dates a lot should be ashamed of it. I do think promiscuity is risky behavior health-wise, but even that is no excuse to call a woman a slut and to try to shame her about her behavior. 

[ratgirlagogo]

17 hours ago, lordonia said:

My ex is Polynesian and grew up in a large extended family where everyone (mother, stepdad, grandmother, siblings, two uncles/wives and their seven children) lived in a compound with three houses and slept on their mats in the same room. After he and I moved to the States, there was a time I was going to be gone for a couple of days on business. He had never in his life spent a night by himself and was actually a little frightened. It was one of the (many) occasions I looked at him with an inquisitive head tilt, like he was a foreign species. He ended up going over to stay at his sister's house.

Anyway, there are some extroverts in this world who thrive on the hubbub! (His family didn't have a TV, though. They were all about the talking.)

A friend of mine went to teach philosophy in Nigeria for a few years.  She is Italian (from Rome) and was in her late forties at the time.  She missed her long-time partner who was teaching in Italy at the time, but they'd been used to being in a long-distance relationship.  About two weeks into the semester she started getting what struck her as odd, and oddly pushy, suggestions from her students and some of her neighbors - they kept asking if she didn't want some kind of company in her apartment in the evenings, more specifically somebody to sleep there.  Even after she told them she was in a relationship and not looking to date anyone, and that her  building was very safe and she was not afraid to sleep alone in her apartment,  this continued.  It took her a little while to realize that they were not trying to set her up, or worried that much about her safety.  It was that they could not IMAGINE anyone actually preferring to spend time alone, especially sleeping alone.  They just assumed that anyone would  prefer to be in a social group at all times.

Edited December 30, 2016 by ratgirlagogo

[TattleTeeny]

23 hours ago, topanga said:

I understand why you don't like the term. I only use it as an example of people 1) calling a woman's (almost always a woman's) dating/and or sexual behavior "slutty," and 2) in 2016, daring to imply or say outright that a woman who dates a lot should be ashamed of it. I do think promiscuity is risky behavior health-wise, but even that is no excuse to call a woman a slut and to try to shame her about her behavior. 

Ugh, when I think too hard about the word "slut," I give myself a headache. Of course I've used it in the past, and I sometimes use it now in a jokey way at my friends (not the most enlightened thing to do but none of us cares and we laugh at it because we're juvenile--especially when it's thrown at someone who's not doing anything remotely "slutty" at the time. You spilled a beer? YOU SLUT!). But when I ponder it, it's so stupid. Like, what even is a slut, really? That's rhetorical, haha--I know what is meant when the word is used but it's just a big nothing! I'm preaching to the choir here, I think, but if all precautions are taken health- and safety-wise, then so-called sluttiness is really a non-issue! Boring even--"That adult woman has sex, possibly even frequently!" Oooh, fascinating!--and probably almost always somewhat hypocritical (and even if those precautions are not taken, the issue should be with the riskiness, not the activity itself).

Oy, I'm rambling. Stupid argument with the BF last night and I also have no idea what day it even is because I've been off work since Tuesday!

Edited December 30, 2016 by TattleTeeny

[palmaire]

7 hours ago, TattleTeeny said:

Like, what even is a slut, really? That's rhetorical, haha--I know what is meant when the word is used but it's just a big nothing! I'm preaching to the choir here, I think, but if all precautions are taken health- and safety-wise, then so-called sluttiness is really a non-issue! Boring even--"That adult woman has sex, possibly even frequently!" Oooh, fascinating!

I'll join your ramble to say it can also go the other way, with men being shamed for sleeping around, but women who have a lot of boyfriends being "unlucky in love." John Mayer or Adam Levine vs Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston, for example.

Are gender-specific terms like womanizer and slut equally "shameful"? Is "promiscuous" okay to say, even though it also connotes disapproval?

Maybe it's best if I stop gossiping about people's sex lives altogether. :)

(And hi! Finally registered after lurking for ages.)

[TattleTeeny]

HI! I feel like I kind of don't even think about the male/female stuff with the word "slut"; I just mainly think, "So...what's wrong with sluts?", haha!

[Maharincess]

I definitely had what I refer to as the "slut phase" in my life. After leaving my abuser I went a little crazy. He had pounded it into my head how horrible, ugly and unlovable I was so I guess I set out to prove him wrong.  The phase didn't last too long but I did have a lot of fun at the time.  I'm more of a one on one monogomous relationship type person.  

[BookWoman56]

5 hours ago, palmaire said:

Are gender-specific terms like womanizer and slut equally "shameful"? Is "promiscuous" okay to say, even though it also connotes disapproval?

Maybe it's best if I stop gossiping about people's sex lives altogether. :)

I think the acceptability of using those terms depends to some extent on the setting. However, generally "womanizer" is not always regarded as shameful while "slut" is pretty universally interpreted as shameful. That is, the person hearing those terms will know that the speaker/writer intended to imply that the slut has "loose" morals, whatever the hell those may be, while the womanizer may be regarded as the male equivalent of a slut or regarded as someone who is successful in dating lots of women, with the intended emotion admiration rather than condemnation. "Promiscuous" sounds better than slut, but really it's pretty much the same thing, as in the speaker is being judgmental about the number of sex partners someone has had. I teach university writing classes occasionally, and I would absolutely flag those words as biased if a student described someone that way. It bothers me that people judge someone's character based on the number of sex partners he or she has had.

OTOH, it's pretty common to use the word "whore" in a self-deprecating way, such as someone saying, "Oh, I'm a candy/cosmetics/shoe, etc. whore," meaning that the speaker will do almost anything for those items. But describing someone else as a whore, with no qualifier in front of it, is very judgmental unless you are actually referring to a prostitute. Even then, I'd probably use the word "prostitute" as it seems a bit more neutral and matter of fact than "whore."

As for the term "slut-shaming," I think it serves a useful purpose in that it quickly conveys that someone is saying negative things about a woman based on her sexual behavior. I'd like to get to a point when that sort of condemnation happens so rarely that there's no need for a word to describe it.

[backformore]

6 hours ago, TattleTeeny said:

HI! I feel like I kind of don't even think about the male/female stuff with the word "slut"; I just mainly think, "So...what's wrong with sluts?", haha!

I remember a joke that went something like - when another woman has more sex than me, she's a slut.  if she has less sex than me, she's frigid. 

[zxy556575]

Organizational peeve: Why do so many websites omit dates on their articles and posts? I have to think it's deliberate but don't know why it would be of benefit to do so.

Edited December 31, 2016 by lordonia

[bilgistic]

My sister called my late lady cat a "pet slut" because she would loving up on everyone. She'd purr and swish her fluffy tail and pantaloons in every direction.

[Maharincess]

We called my dog Harley a cat food slut. That boy would do ANYTHING for a bit of dry cat food. That's how I taught him all of his tricks. 

[TattleTeeny]

Quote

She'd purr and swish her fluffy tail and pantaloons in every direction.

Haha, my cats have pantaloons (and magnificent tails) too, one much more so than the other! When he runs fast, we laugh at his billowing white pantaloons! It's so cute with his skinny ankles sticking out below them.

It might make me super-awful but for the most part, I have no real problem with many derogatory terms used in the "right" setting--for me that's among friends who 100% know the words are not an indication of actual views and know you're just joking to be shocking or ridiculous. Kind of like the way we laugh at Archie Bunker, I guess. 

A timely peeve: why the hell do people add an S to "Happy New Year"? I keep seeing stuff like "Have a great new years"! on FB today. I have some friends who add an S to everything, haha--"Howard Sterns," "K-Marts," "Gossip Girls," etc...

Edited December 31, 2016 by TattleTeeny

[Quof]

Because most people actually celebrate New Year's Eve?

But don't get me started on Happy Valentines (or Happy Valentimes).

[JTMacc99]

I was lectured about referring to my daughter as "bossy" because it is a word often used to knock down strong women. 

So now I refer to her as very strong willed, even though bossy is exactly the right word. I know the difference between being strong with her beliefs and being a little poop-head who just likes the feeling of being in charge. But not everyone who I speak with knows that about me, so I stopped using the word. 

[auntlada]

@JTMacc99, a man at work called me bossy once -- in a joking manner, but he's the kind who probably has a problem with it. I was taking a photo of a group of people and was directing them where to stand, so in that instance, yeah, I was in charge, even though they were all in senior leadership positions and I am not. I told him I preferred to call it leadership. Our director, who is a woman, laughed.

Sometimes bossy is the right word. The reason I usually have a problem with it, as in that situation, is that it is often applied to women who are supposed to be telling you what to do, and if those women were men, no one would use "bossy" to describe them.

In a separate peeve, I hate it when people say, "If your child is still doing [whatever] at [pick an age], there are things you should be doing to change that." Maybe, maybe not. Maybe there are reasons you don't know anything about because you aren't in my family and don't know my child. Maybe it isn't a problem to me. Maybe my child is difeerent than yours (highly likely since all children are different and progress differently). If a kid is not being abused and is generally good in public, leave the parents alone about what they do and how. Most are doing the best they can. (Since having a child, my standards for public behavior have dropped because sometimes you just have to wait for the kid to grow out of stuff.)

Edited December 31, 2016 by auntlada

[JTMacc99]

15 minutes ago, auntlada said:

Sometimes bossy is the right word. The reason I usually have a problem with it, as in that situation, is that it is often applied to women who are supposed to be telling you what to do, and if those women were men, no one would use "bossy" to describe them.

That is exactly why I am okay with not using the word. Other jerks ruined it for me to the extent that I feel like I would be supporting their bullshit by using the word at all.