Enablers and Wardens: Family Dynamics of 600 Pound Lifers

[Meredith Quill]

Discuss Here!

[PityFree]

How is it that none of the enablers/family members appear to have jobs?

[AdorkableWitch]

How is it that none of the enablers/family members appear to have jobs?

 

If I had to guess, at least one family member (if not more) is employed as their full time care giver. I have a friend who is paid minimum wage to be her disabled brother's caregiver by Medicaid. If I had to guess, most of these folks are on disability. 

[Armchair Critic]

What amazes me is that most of the people are married or living with a significant other.  I saw in the previews for the new episode she is a young woman and her boyfriend lives with her. Do they actually have sex? Or does their mate just get off on being a caretaker? Did they meet their mate when they were smaller and then gained weight?

[kelm]

Just added this show to my secret shame file when I caught the reruns.

Can't recall his name, Dan, maybe? Went into a coma, found out he was doing meth, diagnosed with some disease that put him in a wheelchair, gained nearly ALL of his weight back... That guy.

I really wanted to slap his mother! Now he can eat TWO take out tacos, she says with pride! Now he can eat FOUR! And she doesn't understand why he's gaining weight and the Dr. seems upset... Really?!

And one lady had a twin... The "star" can't leave her house, the twin is fearful her weight gain will kill her... And twin brings in BAGS of McDonald's food. Ok...

[poeticlicensed]

I have noticed that very little food is actually prepared in those households. Lots of fast food,take-out and the food that comes from the grocery store is generally 2 lite bottles of soda, baked goods, ice cream, processed foods and snacks. I think there is definitely an enabling dynamic that goes on between the caregivers and the obese person. Lots of guilting, begging, threatening. The saddest part is when I hear a caregiving parent or spouse say that they give them the food because that's the only happiness in their lives and if they took away the food, there would be nothing good in their lives. It's incredibly sad.

 

As an aside, Mr Poetic and I were making an 8 hour drive home from a family visit and stopped at a fast food restaurant (McD's) to get a bite to eat. I haven't had a fast food burger in years and after actually eating one, I can't imagine eating that kind of food every day, much less multiple times in one day. Also I was shocked at how expensive fast food has become. I hear a lot being said about how economically disadvantaged people eat fast food because it's cheap, but it seemed pretty expensive to me. 

[BostonBlonde]

Ugh... I want to slap most of the caregivers (and well the patients too) ...my BP skyrockets watching this show in general. 

Edited January 7, 2015 by BostonBlonde

[poeticlicensed]

I don't eat a lot of fast food, but I can see how six items off a dollar menu could be spread around

 

I have to disagree. Most of the stuff on the dollar menu is of the 4 nuggets, a taco or an ice cream cone variety. And almost no one, save for a child. is going to eat a taco or a a box of 4 nuggets and call it a meal. When Mr Poetic and I, along with our teenage son went to a fast food restaurant, the bill was over $16. For 3 people. And I had nothing to drink or any sides. With $16, I could buy a chicken, potatoes,veggies or salad fixings and have money left over. I don't see fast food as cost saver at all.

Edited January 7, 2015 by poeticlicensed

[AdorkableWitch]

So, I was thinking about this - most of these people are addicted to food, or as we call ourselves "compulsive overeaters." I wonder how their relationships fare once they lose the weight. Of those who have spouses, most of them seem to be enablers and caretakers. How do you shift from that mode to actual spouse? Not to mention that if the people are successfully treated for food addiction, it changes them fundamentally. From my experience, we aren't that different from drug or alcohol addicts.  I wish we had more updates about that. 

[BostonBlonde]

Everyone on the planet knows fast food is bad for you regardless of income, background etc.

 

The excuses some make to rationalize it is a whole other issue.

Edited January 7, 2015 by BostonBlonde

[shoovenbooty]

I re-watched Peggy's episode today. Her husband (Ed?) said that Peggy makes the grocery list, and makes him buy what is on the list. Chips, soda, ice cream, boxes of sugared cereal, candy, cake mix, etc. She is completely bedridden--what's she going to do if he brings home vegetables and chicken? Refuse to eat? Yell? Leave him? I seriously don't understand this level of enabling.

I missed the end of the episode, but IIRC from watching it a few months ago, a YEAR later, she hadn't lost anything more than her initial loss after surgery. I'd like to see a "where are they now" episode on her, but I'm pretty sure I already know the results.

[PityFree]

I re-watched Peggy's episode today. Her husband (Ed?) said that Peggy makes the grocery list, and makes him buy what is on the list. Chips, soda, ice cream, boxes of sugared cereal, candy, cake mix, etc. She is completely bedridden--what's she going to do if he brings home vegetables and chicken? Refuse to eat? Yell? Leave him? I seriously don't understand this level of enabling.

I have been thinking about what the bedridden people can do to punish others. All I can come up with is crapping/peeing the bed without waiting for a bedpan, calling 911 to report imaginary domestic violence (in some places the police are required to take 1 person to jail and they probably don't have room in their cars for Penny), make noise for extended periods of time and at night so others can't sleep (screaming, etc.), etc.

I'll try to think of more. Hmmmmmmm...

ETA: trust me - I don't think the bedridden people could do much. But I am challenging my creativity to come up with things the enablers might be afraid of.

Edited January 7, 2015 by PityFree

[Oldernowiser]

I watch these while I'm on the treadmill...quite motivating!

Here's my theory: these people have eaten such vast quantities for so long they haven't a clue what normal food is, let alone in amounts that might help them lose weight. I don't remember seeing an episode where the enabler was thin. So over time, they gradually sat more and more and move less and less and none of them seems able to grasp what a healthy portion size is. I was watching the Chuck episode tonight and he and his wife went out to dinner and if I ate a twentieth of what they had in front of each of them I would be sick as a dog.

[AdorkableWitch]

I guess I have a different perspective. 

 

When you are that heavy, you are miserable. Food is one of your few comforts. To be honest, my husband can fall into that role if I let him. Think about it like a drug addict - instead of a drink, I eat something full of sugar and carbs (my trigger foods.) 

 

These people are miserable, and their body  craves food like an alcoholic wants booze. When I detoxed from sugar at 350 pounds, I got the shakes and it was a miserable 3 days. I fight food cravings every day. 

 

It's also a compulsive behavior issue as well. The only real hope is cognative behavioral and group therapy. 

[Armchair Critic]

I wonder how their relationships fare once they lose the weight.

 

Zsalynn's husband wants her to gain weight back because he is not attracted to her smaller.

 

I also remember Melissa had problems with her husband after she lost weight, reading between the lines I don't think they had sex when she was at her highest weight. But even though they became physically closer after she lost weight he was meeting up with women online cheating on her.

 

I'm watching Christina's update now and she is divorcing her husband because he was holding her back.

 

So it sounds like the significant others don't know how to handle it because they were caretakers and it changes the relationship when the person loses weight and becomes more independent.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Armchair Critic

[poeticlicensed]

Part of the problem is that eating and meals tend to also be social activities. Family interactions happen over food, going out to eat is a major social activity. Cooking can also be a social activity. Several of the people profiled on the show attended family events, such as Sunday dinners, eating out, reunions, birthday parties, weddings, etc. And a major theme was food. Most of the home cooked food was the worst in terms of fat, calories, carbs. So take away the food,  in an illogical way they see it as taking away family and love. 

[BostonBlonde]

Thank God Zsalynn divorced that weirdo ex husband 

[cynicat]

Part of the problem is that eating and meals tend to also be social activities

 

Something that I find amazing on this show is that the family rarely eats at the kitchen/dining room table let alone eat together unless they all got fast food.  They eat meals in their rooms or on the couch while watching TV or playing on the computer.  Not exactly social.  Even when Zsalynn lost all the weight, she brought her daughter's lunch to her room.  What happened to family meals?

[CarolMK]

I watched the old episode of Olivia's story, the one who had a twin sister and had to live in her mom's basement for 2 years. She'd previously had a lap band but it was unsuccessful, so she ended up moving to Texas to live with her brother after her surgery. Dr. Now actually kept her in the hospital 3 months after surgery because of her

medical issues...the inability to walk was a big problem because she had a huge 40 lb. lympodema on her stomach that hung down past her knees....once she went from 587 down to 300 lbs, he removed it. Holy cow, that lympodema looked really, really bad. Seeing stories like hers makes me wonder why people wait until they get to around 600

lbs before seeking help.

Anyway, her update is on tonight and I can't wait to find out how she's doing.

[Oldernowiser]

I watched that episode on the treadmill yesterday, because if these people can do THAT I should be able to do some running, even at my age, so the show is a great excuse-zapper, and Olivia was a pleasant surprise. Since she had had two previous weight-loss procedures and failed, I didn't have much hope for her but she did really well and I hope she continues to do well.

Oh, and her brother (or BIL) walking her down the street every day was just as kind as he could be. Nice man.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Oldernowiser

[purpleflowers]

 

 

It's also a compulsive behavior issue as well. The only real hope is cognative behavioral and group therapy. 

Thank you for sharing your perspective and struggles. It's really important to hear. I really wish more TV shows about weight and other media about fitness would do a better job of addressing the psychological and emotional aspects as they relate to weight. "My 600-lb Life" has been interesting for sure, especially where family dynamics are concerned, but I haven't seen much acknowledgement of the emotional issues. I remember watching "Addicted to Food" on the OWN channel. That was the first time I saw obese people being treated for their weight as addicts. Binge eating, food addiction, and emotional eating are all huge factors and I wish all of the people featured on "600-lb life" healing where that is concerned. 

 

I thought it was interesting what someone mentioned upthread about Christina and how all her family and enablers were of average weight. I wondered about that too. I felt her mother and husband were enabling her and perhaps got a sense of purpose out of that. It is very unfortunate. 

 

Another thought: Dr. Nowzaradan had the various patients go on a diet before their surgeries to reach a weight at which they would be operable. I am curious to know exactly what this diet regimen was and if it was mostly liquids perhaps. If these patients are able to stick to a healthy diet long enough to get down to an acceptable weight, I wonder if they would have been able to lose even more that way without the gastric bypass. Perhaps I'm naive in thinking that, but it got me wondering. 

Edited January 15, 2015 by purpleflowers

[CarolMK]

I think the reason for dieting prior to the surgery is that Dr. Now wants his patients to get an idea of what life will be like past surgery..they will have to stick to eating 3 times a day without snacking and also, need to resist the temptation to eat junk food. There was an update tonight on Rachel..she is the 39 year old widow who had 4 children and whose husband died at age 33, when he reached 600 lbs and was bedridden. Until Rachel went into therapy , she could not seem to change her habits of getting dinner

at the drive through fast food places. Even if she wasn't "eating very much", she also wasn't losing very much either, only about 10-13 lbs a month until she talked to a 

therapist and got her head around the fact that she was in this for the long haul..she also joined a gym and starting working out with a fitness instructor.

 

I have also seen where doctors want some weight loss before surgery because it loosens their skin to a certain degree and can make the surgery easier for the

doctor to do and the recovery is also easier on the patient.

[Oldernowiser]

I think I remember reading somewhere that requiring the patient to lose some amount of weight to qualify for surgery is also a test to see if they will follow instructions and how much they really want to change.

I always wonder where the money comes from. I have health insurance and still had to pay thousands last year just for outpatient surgery. I can't imagine what months in the hospital costs.

[AdorkableWitch]

Many of these people are on disability and/or Medicaid. If you have a BMI over 35 and a comorbid condition, weight loss surgery is paid for. I have Medicaid myself, and have considered it, but in the end I am trying to fix my brain and let the weight change as a result of that.

[AltLivia]

I may be hyper-aware of this (as I've had my own experiences with anorexia) but I watch this show and think, "It's one thing to be inactive/depressed, But the enablers bring so much food! Don't these people get full?" Like, full. Stomach pain, no more food for me, nauseous full. The "wall" that even competitive eaters hit.

 

Don't they also become bored by the taste of fast food (contestant and enabler alike)? Fried food tastes like breading at major franchises (McDonalds, Burger King, etc.). It isn't very well seasoned. They don't need variety, just, for themselves? It's not just that they may not be able to afford fresh vegetables, but that they don't want them and aren't the least bit curious about the opportunity to cook something new. I have a relative like this, who won't touch a single vegetable that isn't a potato or iceberg lettuce. Just baffles me.

 

And the fact that some enablers (Christina's mother) think that if their not-so-little baby doesn't eat, he or she will just die. Losing weight is not a comfortable experience. You're going to be hungry if you're eating less/acclimating to eating different foods. At 500+ pounds, you're eating to maintain that excessive weight. Which you can't do if you're trying to lose it.

[Oldernowiser]

I wonder about fast food... I rarely eat it, because the nearest McD's is 45 minutes from my house, but a few months back I was in civilization and ravenous so I got an actual Wendy's single and a small order of fries. I ate most of it, tossed the rest and expected to be good to go for the rest of the afternoon.

Instead, I never felt satiated or even fed and two hours later I was hungry again. Maybe with all of the additives and artificial crap in there it affects your body the way diet soda does? The big chemical surge and then a drastic blood sugar drop?

Maybe people who eat vast amounts of this stuff really don't ever feel satiated and they end up in this vicious circle?

[Toaster Strudel]

Scientists are starting to understand the human hunger and satiety mechanisms better than they used to, and there are many separate pathways that can malfunction and go wrong. There are also some redundancies in the system as safeguards.  

 

Probably there is an important genetic component in the super-obese where several of these pathways are knocked down or in permanent overdrive.

 

Whereas the "ordinary obese" may have just one pathway going wonky, these 600 pounders might have many.

[AdorkableWitch]

I never feel full. Ever. I have binged on thousands of calories and still wanted more. Hyperpalatable foods like processed and fast food are the worst. These things are designed to make us want more.

I feel a bit weird sharing this but I get a high off food like that. It makes me stop feeling the negative emotions that plague me, and drown out my compulsive thoughts. Then I would feel out of control and frequently purge. The purging felt good, too, as a means of control.

I can't just have one piece of candy. I will eat an entire bag and crave more. When you suffer from Binge Eating Disorder/ compulsive overeating, you need more and more to get that same fix. I have shoplifted to get candy. My husband can't keep it in the house right now because of my addiction. I've heard stories like mine in recovery and Overeaters Anonymous.

Now, let's add the family dynamic. How many of you have watched Intervention? Families give drug addicts money knowing that it will get spent to feed their addiction. Food is not seen as bad. In my life, when something bad happened, you brought food. No one gets arrested for going to McDonalds. So they justify their behavior as helping. They are likely as sick as the food addict in their own way.

[cynicat]

I think I remember reading somewhere that requiring the patient to lose some amount of weight to qualify for surgery is also a test to see if they will follow instructions and how much they really want to change.

Yes, and also losing weight prior to the surgery helps to shrink the liver a bit, which helps in the actual surgery itself.

[Darknight]

The family members are enablers. If a person can't get out of bed and you have to bring them food and you bring them junk food then you're killing them as well. If someone I knew was 600 pounds I wouldn't bring them junk food even if they begged for it. How can you sit there and allow someone to die a slow death.

With that being said how the hell does someone get 600lbs? Do they just let themselves go?

[KarmaG]

The family members are enablers. If a person can't get out of bed and you have to bring them food and you bring them junk food then you're killing them as well. If someone I knew was 600 pounds I wouldn't bring them junk food even if they begged for it. How can you sit there and allow someone to die a slow death.

With that being said how the hell does someone get 600lbs? Do they just let themselves go?

 

Exactly and that's why when they show family members bringing bags of McD's or taking them through a drive thru I am yelling at my tv screen. If for some reason the person themselves can't say no (and unless you have a gun to your head you can always say no when it comes to food) then the person being their caregiver certainly HAS to say no.

[AdorkableWitch]

The family members are enablers. If a person can't get out of bed and you have to bring them food and you bring them junk food then you're killing them as well. If someone I knew was 600 pounds I wouldn't bring them junk food even if they begged for it. How can you sit there and allow someone to die a slow death.

With that being said how the hell does someone get 600lbs? Do they just let themselves go?

These kind of dynamics are also seen with any addiction. Look at the parents and spouses who enable drug addicts and alcoholics. Food Addiction is just the same.

I am an addict, and worse yet I have to consume the thing I am addicted to every day. I also come from a culture where food is an acceptable drug. I didn't let myself go. I couldn't stop. When I did, I developed an eating disorder. I wasn't able to stop until I got help through Overeaters Anonymous and treatment at an eating disorder clinic.

[Miss Chevious]

I'm watching Pauline's sftory and now I've seen everything. An enabler enabling an enabler! Her son Dillon is the enabler, bringing her chili cheese fries and all kinds of greasy fast food. Then in Dr. Now's office she becomes the enabler saying don't blame him, I'm making him do it. What a vicious cycle.

[notyrmomma]

I'm watching Pauline's sftory and now I've seen everything. An enabler enabling an enabler! Her son Dillon is the enabler, bringing her chili cheese fries and all kinds of greasy fast food. Then in Dr. Now's office she becomes the enabler saying don't blame him, I'm making him do it. What a vicious cycle.

He brought her a Coke with her McDONALDS chicken salad (those things are like 600 calories!! even the ones with grilled chicken)..."all they have here is fast food"  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  

[AdorkableWitch]

He brought her a Coke with her McDONALDS chicken salad (those things are like 600 calories!! even the ones with grilled chicken)..."all they have here is fast food"  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  

 

There are actually healthier fast food salads she could have chosen. A diet coke, and a grilled chicken Asian salad from Wendy's is around 400 calories, less if you use your own dressing. 

[Miss Chevious]

When one is 600+ lbs. one shouldn't be drinking carbonated sodas at all. These people shovel in the junk food and sodas and wonder why they're fat. SMH.

[AdorkableWitch]

When one is 600+ lbs. one shouldn't be drinking carbonated sodas at all. These people shovel in the junk food and sodas and wonder why they're fat. SMH.

 

Yeah, because it's so simple. 

 

It couldn't possibly be that highly processed foods are addictive.

 

This is why food addicts struggle. Because folks seem to think it's just as simple as stopping eating junk food. It's hard to get help, because so few people take it seriously. 

[deedee2]

He brought her a Coke with her McDONALDS chicken salad (those things are like 600 calories!! even the ones with grilled chicken)..."all they have here is fast food"  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  

 

This made me crazy. She complains that she's bored in Texas, having nothing to do all day but sit on her butt and watch TV. Why couldn't she spend the day grocery shopping for healthy ingredients and cooking healthy meals? Or making a salad? How hard is it to make a fricking salad with some baked chicken breast!! You don't need to be Julia Child for that, jeez. Fast food is full of salt and fat and calories ... and it's expensive.

 

How much does one have to eat to sustain 500+ lbs of body weight. And how does a person with gastric bypass fit all that food in to sustain that 500+ lb body weight? This episode left me stunned.

Edited February 19, 2015 by deedee2

[Darknight]

Dillion needs to show his mother tough love. And Pauline needs to stop playing victim.

[Betelnut]

I watched an episode last night.  I can't remember the woman's name but she was young, married and her whole family moved to Houston for her treatment.

 

One thing that struck me is that her mother was constantly referring to her as "Baby."  Yes, that's a good way to infantilize your child who, ironically, can barely move and depends entirely on other people for her food and daily care.

 

I dearly wanted the woman to say to her Mom, "Stop calling me that.  I am adult."

 

At the end of the episode, the woman did say that her relationship with her mother had "changed completely" so I hope her Mom now sees her as an adult.  The woman had lost quite a bit of weight as was doing well.

[Guest dutronc]

I watched an episode last night.  I can't remember the woman's name but she was young, married and her whole family moved to Houston for her treatment.

 

One thing that struck me is that her mother was constantly referring to her as "Baby."  Yes, that's a good way to infantilize your child who, ironically, can barely move and depends entirely on other people for her food and daily care.

 

I dearly wanted the woman to say to her Mom, "Stop calling me that.  I am adult."

 

At the end of the episode, the woman did say that her relationship with her mother had "changed completely" so I hope her Mom now sees her as an adult.  The woman had lost quite a bit of weight as was doing well.

 

I think you're talking about Christina. It's interesting what pops out to other people--the "baby" didn't even register for me because it strikes me as a very Deep Southern thing, like honey or dear. I think Tara's family spoke the same way, and they were from Louisiana. Her mom probably referred to the slender daughter the same way, although I don't think we saw that. It's used in families and also among strangers and casual acquaintances sometimes. "Excuse me, ma'am?" "Yes, baby?" "I'm here to pay my library fine." "Ok, let me look that up for you."

 

The mother did infantilize Christina, although I got a sense that maybe it was to make up for something bad that might have happened--if she had gotten hurt, or something worse, and the constant feeding and indulging was a way to make up for that somehow. Unlike other people, Christina's mom seemed to have a realization and want to change and make things better.

Edited February 23, 2015 by dutronc

[Miss Chevious]

Is it my imagination or do most of the relatives (especially mothers) of the 600-lb people undergoing treatment from Dr. Now have a weight problem as well. I'm watching Joe's episode and his mother could've gone in with him for a 2 for 1 special.

[Ocean Chick]

Not just your imagination.  That woman could barely walk.  I was hoping that Joe would take over cooking for both of them and thus have her lose weight by default.

[Stripper Glitter]

Christina's mother. Good heart I think but Lord she drove me crazy. Worrying about her starving because she wouldn't eat the hospital food. Lady, there is NO WAY she's going to starve. None.

[okerry]

FB page for Billy Robbins, the Half-Ton Teen: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Billy-Robbins/200064823479838

[Guest dutronc]

I don't think that's really him. He seemed really shy and reclusive on the show.

[cheatincheetos]

Is it my imagination or do most of the relatives (especially mothers) of the 600-lb people undergoing treatment from Dr. Now have a weight problem as well. I'm watching Joe's episode and his mother could've gone in with him for a 2 for 1 special.

Yeah, poor woman looked like Victoria Jackson after eating her own twin.

[Chalby]

I watched (for the first time) the episodes that featured Dominique. I was so furious with her 'caretakers' when it was learned she had packed on weight despite her food being delivered to her. Obviously someone got her food (which Dominique found hilarious) and I don't understand why. The woman could not move, so there's no way she could have cheated on her own. This may sound horrible, but are caretakers counting on insurance policy payouts or something? I know that Dominique was vicious towards her daughters when they wouldn't feed her, but that just makes it all the more easier to walk out and let her deal with her proper meals. I don't understand the psychology of caretakers who promote cheating.

[notyrmomma]

I watched (for the first time) the episodes that featured Dominique. I was so furious with her 'caretakers' when it was learned she had packed on weight despite her food being delivered to her. Obviously someone got her food (which Dominique found hilarious) and I don't understand why. The woman could not move, so there's no way she could have cheated on her own. This may sound horrible, but are caretakers counting on insurance policy payouts or something? I know that Dominique was vicious towards her daughters when they wouldn't feed her, but that just makes it all the more easier to walk out and let her deal with her proper meals. I don't understand the psychology of caretakers who promote cheating.

 

About Dominique, I think the enablers are just as mentally sick as the obese person.  They should have contacted Dr. Now and put her in a hospital or nursing home where she could be monitored by real nurses 24/7, not just by her daughters.  Although, I remember reading somewhere that it wasn't just her caretakers that were feeding her bad things and that she would use her phone to call for take out food and have the delivery people hand it to her through the window (but obviously someone had to give her the cash!).  It just goes to show that obesity can and does kill quick.

[Chalby]

They should have contacted Dr. Now and put her in a hospital or nursing home where she could be monitored by real nurses 24/7, 

Thank you for posting this. I almost made the same comment, but then I thought, maybe I am being unreasonable. I don't want to step over that line where I am no longer empathetic, but more prejudiced. All I know is that Dominique didn't grasp how serious it was... and as it turned out, she died. So sad

Edited May 26, 2015 by Chalby