BURN!! Best Movie Insults

[Wiendish Fitch]

Sometimes it's fun to let a fictional character do the heavy lifting of letting someone have it with a good verbal smackdown! What are your favorite burns, jabs, and insults from the silver screen?

Singin' in the Rain has some doozies:

Cosmo: Lina. She can't act, she can't sing, and she can't dance. The triple threat.

 

Rod: Lina, you're a beautiful woman. Audiences think you've got a voice to match. The studio's gotta keep their stars from looking ridiculous at any cost.

Cosmo: Nobody's got that much money.

 

Lina: Oh, Donny, you couldn't kiss me like that and not mean it just a teensy, weensy bit!

Don: Meet the greatest actor in the world! I'D RATHER KISS A TARANTULA!

Lina: Oh, you don't mean that!

Don: I don't... hey, Joe, get me a tarantula!

 

Don: Which of my pictures have you seen?

Kathy: I don't remember. I saw one once.

Don: You saw one once?

Kathy: Yes, I think you were dueling and there was a girl - Lina Lamont. But I don't go to the movies much. If you've seen one you've seen them all.

Don : Thank you.

Kathy: Oh, no offense. Movies are entertaining enough for the masses but the personalities on the screen just don't impress me. I mean they don't talk, they don't act, the just make a lot of dumb show. Well, you know

[demonstrates]

Kathy: like that.

Don: You mean like what I do?

Kathy: Well, yes!

[Shannon L.]

I'm sure I'll be back, but the first two I thought of were one from a ridiculous 80s movie that bombed and the other one I heard somewhere, but never even heard of the movie (Friday made in 1995)

From the first one: 

"I feel like a perfect ass."
"Nobody's perfect."

From Friday:

"You gotta be one stupid motherf**** to get fired on your day off."

 

 

[xaxat]

 

[AimingforYoko]

Everyone goes with Blake's "motivational" speech, but for pure vitriol, I go with Roma's takedown of Williamson in Glengarry Glen Ross:

 

[Spartan Girl]

Once again @Wiendish Fitch great idea for a thread! Ooh there are some good ones over the years, but here are a few that stood out to me:

Ever After: “I would rather die a thousand deaths than to see my mother’s dress on THAT SPOILED SELFISH COW!”

Toy Story: “You are a sad strange little man. And you have my pity.”

Duck Soup: “He may look like an idiot and act like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he is an idiot.”

The Mummy: “Hey O’Connell! Looks to me like I’ve got all the horses!”

”Hey Benny! Looks to me like you’re on the wrong side of the river!”

 

[Blergh]

Some Like It Hot (1959): 

After Jerry [Jack Lemmon] ,who had been disguised as  a woman jazz bass player named 'Daphne' the almost entire movie to evade gangsters, tries to dissuade the wealthy would-be suitor Osgood Fielding III[Joe. E. Brown] from wanting to marry 'Daphne', at the end of the movie, he finally pulls off his wig and snaps  " I'm a man!" to which Osgood has the final line-

"Well, nobody's perfect!"

The movie's director  Billy Wilder  loved it so much, he actually entitled his own autobio Nobody's Perfect!

Edited February 25, 2021 by Blergh

[BetterButter]

 

[Blergh]

My Little Chickadee (1940): After a judge tries to railroad Flower Belle (Mae West), he asks "Are you showing contempt for this court?" to which she replies:" No, Your Honor, I'm doing my best to hide it!"

BTW, she evidently had said in court that IRL  when  put on trial for having written a play called Sex (in 1926!)

[Wiendish Fitch]

These Three (1936):

Aunt Lily: I've worked my fingers to the bone! TO THE BONE!

Martha: Don't tell yourself that, Aunt, you'll start to believe it.

 

Vivacious Lady (1938):

Helen: Now, are you going to mind your own businesses, or must I really give you a piece of my mind?

Francey: Oh, I couldn't take the last piece.

 

Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983):

Scrooge: I thought you'd be taller.

Ghost of Christmas Past: Hmph! Listen, Scrooge, if men were measured by kindness, you'd be no - *bigger* than a - -speck of dust!

 

Animal Crackers (1930):

Captain Spaulding: You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.

 

Legally Blonde (2001):

Vivian: Nice outfit!

Elle: I like your costume, too! But when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.

[xaxat]

Shakespeare. Specifically the Kenneth Branagh adaptation of Henry V. It starts out with the Dauphin of France trying to throw shade on Henry's claim to France and Henry is not amused.

Henry then responds to that insult with one of his own, to the Dolphin.

 

 

[pancake bacon]

There's one more favorite from Henry V, and it's hard for me to deny that the way Kenneth Branagh delivers the burn of:

Come thou no more for ransom, gentle herald:
They shall have none, I swear, but these my joints;
Which if they have as I will leave 'em them,
Shall yield them… little…

is so deliciously said. 

 

The Coen Brothers drop a lot of great burns. Many favorites are from Miller's Crossing. 

Tom Regan: All in all not a bad guy – if looks, brains and personality don't count.

Verna: Leo's got the right idea. I like him, he's honest and he's got a heart.
Tom Reagan: Then it's true what they say. Opposites attract.

 

 

 

[Wiendish Fitch]

Follow the Fleet (1936):

Kitty Collins: [to the sailor trying to hit on her] Tell me, little boy, did you get a whistle or baseball bat with that suit?*

 

Little Miss Broadway (1938):

Willoughby Wendling: Bless my soul!

Sarah Wendling: Keep your soul out of this!

 

Good News (1947):

Connie: Boy, I wish somebody loved me the way you love you!

 

When Harry Met Sally... (1989):

Harry Burns: You take someone to the airport, it's clearly the beginning of the relationship. That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.

Sally Albright: Why?

Harry Burns: Because eventually things move on and you don't take someone to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me, How come you never take me to the airport anymore?

Sally Albright: It's amazing. You look like a normal person, but actually you are the angel of death.

 

Bridget Jones's Diary (2001):

Bridget: Thank you, Daniel, that is very good to know. But if staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's arse.

 

*Okay, it's not a great burn, but what makes this so fabulous to me is that Kitty is played by a young, blonde, and then-unknown Lucille Ball.

[Spartan Girl]

The Color Purple: “You all was rotten kids. Made my life here hell. Course your daddy ain’t nothing but some dead horse shit.”

Edited March 2, 2021 by Spartan Girl

[Spartan Girl]

The Avengers: “”I ergo I read that the council had come to a decision, but given the fact that it’s a stupid-ass decision, I’ve elected to ignore it.”

[BetterButter]

 

[Popples]

The tennis instruction scene in Clueless-

Amber: Ms. Stoger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.

Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.

I did not get that at ten.

 

[magicdog]

This classic line from Footlight Parade (1933):

Impresario James Cagney comes in with a woman with less than honorable intentions (ie. a gold digger).  His assistant (Joan Blondell) lets them both have it.  It's at the very end of the clip.

 

Edited June 18, 2021 by magicdog

[Scarlett45]

On 3/24/2021 at 4:42 PM, Popples said:

The tennis instruction scene in Clueless-

Amber: Ms. Stoger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.

Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.

I did not get that at ten.

 

I loved this one, I didnt get it at 10 either.

 

 

A fav of mine.

Titanic 1997:

Rose to Cal- "I would rather be his whore than your wife."

 

I have been waiting to use that one, no occasion for that yet.

[Spartan Girl]

One from Mr. and Mrs. Smith:

Jane: Any last words?

John: The new curtains are hideous.

[Wiendish Fitch]

The Princess and the Frog:

Travis: But, Miss Charlotte, you said later two hours ago.

Charlotte: Travis, when a woman says "later", she really means not ever. Now run along, there are plenty of fillies just dying for you to waltz them into a stupor.

[Trini]

The whole movie is full of them, but two of my faves from Addams Family Values:

[minus the interjections]
Gomez Addams: "My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil! I have seen horror! I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul! I have seen all this, officer, but until today, I had never seen... YOU!"

 

Morticia Addams: "You have gone too far. You have married Fester. You have destroyed his spirit. You have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie -"

Debbie: "What?!"

Morticia: "Pastels?"

[And a gif of the judgmental eyebrow raise, because why not:]

[Hiyo]

This whole scene from Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. Although these are the standouts:

"It's not that I don't want to know you Hilary, although I don't"

"Get permanently lost"

"Don't speak Hilary, just go"

 

[Bastet]

Those are some of my favorite lines of the scene, too, and I also love Christina's "You must try not to worry about it" when Hilary is on about what she must be going through.

[Spartan Girl]

Some burns from The Birdcage:

Armand : All right, I'll bite, where are you going?

Albert : To Los Copa.

Armand : Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.

Albert : I know, that's why I'm packing light.

Armand : Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

 

Agador : Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?

Armand : Your what?

Agador : My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right?

Armand : You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.

Celsius : Chewing gum helps me think.     
Albert : Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!

Edited August 2, 2021 by Spartan Girl

[Wiendish Fitch]

On 3/24/2021 at 5:42 PM, Popples said:

The tennis instruction scene in Clueless-

Amber: Ms. Stoger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.

Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.

I did not get that at ten.

 

Boy howdy, Clueless has some prize zingers.

 

Cher: If it's a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.

Elton: What's seven times seven?

Cher: Stuff she knows.

 

Cher: Would you call me selfish?

Dionne: No, not to your face.

 

Mel: Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you.

 

Cher Horowitz: So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so.

 

Tai: Do you think she's pretty?

Cher: No, she's a full-on Monet.

Tai: What's a Monet?

Cher: It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?

Christian: Hagsville.

Cher: See?

 

Josh: You know, If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.

Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.

[QueerGirrl]

Mel Hamilton: What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?

 

Mel Hamilton: (angry) "Do you know what time it is?"

Cher Horowitz: "A watch doesn't really go with this outfit daddy..."

 

Mel Hamilton: "If anything happens to my daughter, I have forty-five and a shovel. I doubt anyone would miss you."

[Spartan Girl]

In My Sister’s Keeper when Sara confronts Campbell in his office about taking on Anna’s medical emancipation case and he rightfully calls her out on basically using Anna’s for spare parts for Kate her whole life, and Sara starts projecting on him: “Oh, you’re good…you almost had me believing you cared about Anna!”

Campbell, with perfect blistering contempt: “Funny, I was about to say the same thing about you.”

Runner up goes to Campbell’s assistant who immediate took a dislike to Sara**: “I don’t mind calling security.”

**Boy, Sara sure seemed to bring that out in people.

[Wiendish Fitch]

42 minutes ago, Spartan Girl said:

In My Sister’s Keeper when Sara confronts Campbell in his office about taking on Anna’s medical emancipation case and he rightfully calls her out on basically using Anna’s for spare parts for Kate her whole life, and Sara starts projecting on him: “Oh, you’re good…you almost had me believing you cared about Anna!”

Campbell, with perfect blistering contempt: “Funny, I was about to say the same thing about you.”

Runner up goes to Campbell’s assistant who immediate took a dislike to Sara**: “I don’t mind calling security.”

**Boy, Sara sure seemed to bring that out in people.

But, but, but... Sara's a mom!! That automatically makes her good, virtuous, and objectively right about everything!! 

God, Jodi Picoult and her worldview piss me off. I'll bet she's the type who goes to Starbucks just to harass the employees about something.

 

[Bastet]

I watched My Sister's Keeper on TV once, and stuck with it all the way through only for the two sisters and the lawyer's dog. 

[meep.meep]

On 7/15/2021 at 4:58 PM, Trini said:

The whole movie is full of them, but two of my faves from Addams Family Values:

[minus the interjections]
Gomez Addams: "My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil! I have seen horror! I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul! I have seen all this, officer, but until today, I had never seen... YOU!"

My kids loved this movie and that line always comes out when someone starts wistfully asking "have you seen .... ?"

[Wiendish Fitch]

Pillow Talk (1959):

Jan: Mr. Allen, we have nothing in common. Oh, not that meeting you wouldn't prove to be... amusing. But frankly, some jokes are just too obvious to be funny.

[Spartan Girl]

Promising Young Woman:

”Careful next time you go out, Neil. Your novel sounds terrible, by the way.”

Ooh, and:

Paul: You know what, not interested, sweetheart. Why don't you just take crazy somewhere else? You're not even that hot. 
Cassandra: You're hardly dropping panties yourself, Paul. When was the last time you scored in daylight?

Edited September 29, 2021 by Spartan Girl

[Wiendish Fitch]

All About Eve

(Okay, there are way too many good ones, but here's my favorite...)

Addison DeWitt: It's important right now that we talk, killer to killer.

Eve: Champion to champion.

Addison DeWitt: Not with me, you're no champion. You're stepping way up in class.

[Spartan Girl]

I don’t know if this counts as an insult, but the part in Ragtime (1981) when Father threatens to leave the hotel and go back to New York if Mother doesn’t agree to give Coalhouse’s baby to the cops.

And Mother, who’d been dancing and flirting with Tateh all evening, replies, with pitch-perfect sarcasm: “Oh, please...don't go. Please don't leave me here alone.”

You wouldn’t expect Mary Steenburgen to deliver such a biting “fuck you”, but there it is. 

[Spartan Girl]

The mother of all burns comes from Roxanne, after someone calls C.D. “Big Nose” and C.D. informs him he can do better:

C.D.: Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's in it that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got the whole world ...

Everyone: [singing] In his nose!

C.D.: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?

Dean: Fourteen, Chief!

C.D.: Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped. [he pauses, pretending to be stumped, while the crowd urges him on] All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?

Man: You smart-assed son-of-a-bitch! [swings and misses at C. D.]

C.D.: You flat-faced, flat-nosed, flat-head. [punches man and walks away] [to Dixie] Has he fallen yet?

[The man falls and everyone applauds]

[Luckylyn]

Sleepaway Camp

Boy:  Eat shit and die

Ricky: Eat shit and live 

I love that response so much.

[absnow54]

Clueless

Tai: You're a virgin who can't drive. 

Edited October 20, 2021 by absnow54

[Popples]

"I've known sheep that could outwit you, I've worn dresses with higher IQs." Wanda to Otto in A Fish Called Wanda.

 

[Browncoat]

2 hours ago, Popples said:

"I've known sheep that could outwit you, I've worn dresses with higher IQs." Wanda to Otto in A Fish Called Wanda.

 

I love that movie.

[AimingforYoko]

On 10/22/2021 at 2:01 PM, Popples said:

"I've known sheep that could outwit you, I've worn dresses with higher IQs." Wanda to Otto in A Fish Called Wanda.

 

Wanda's response to the clip title is the best line in the movie, "Yes they do Otto, they just don't understand it."

[Spartan Girl]

Blazing Saddles: “You’ve got to understand, these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land, the common clay of the New West…you know…morons.”

Edited December 17, 2021 by Spartan Girl

[Wiendish Fitch]

8 minutes ago, Spartan Girl said:

Blazing Saddles: “You’ve got to understand, these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land, the common clay of the New West…you know…morons.”

Love that line, always have.

 

[Spartan Girl]

From Die Hard:

Deputy Chief Dwayne Robinson: I got a hundred people down here and they're all covered in glass!

John McClane: Glass? Who gives a shit about glass? Who the fuck is this?

Deputy Chief Dwayne Robinson: This is Deputy Chief Dwayne T. Robinson, and I am in charge here.

John McClane: Oh you're in charge? Well I got some bad news for you Dwayne, from up here it doesn't look like you're in charge of jack shit.

Deputy Chief Dwayne Robinson: You listen to me you little asshole-

John McClane: Asshole? I'm not the one who just got butt-fucked on national TV, Dwayne! Now, you listen to me, jerk-off, if you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the problem. Quit being a part of the fuckin' problem and put the other guy back on!

Edited December 24, 2021 by Spartan Girl

[Luckylyn]

On 12/17/2021 at 1:28 PM, Spartan Girl said:

Blazing Saddles: “You’ve got to understand, these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land, the common clay of the New West…you know…morons.”

I heard Gene Wilder ad libbed that line

[lasu]

Dangerous Liaisons: a single word..."war."  Gives me chills.

 

 

[Spartan Girl]

West Side Story:

Bernardo: Last night I dreamed I was back in Puerto Rico. In my dream we had six kids.

Anita: You want six kids? Marry a cat.

[Spartan Girl]

Dirty Dancing: “You make me sick. Stay away from me, stay away from my sister, or I’ll have you fired.”

Short but sweet.

[JustHereForFood]

23 hours ago, Spartan Girl said:

Dirty Dancing: “You make me sick. Stay away from me, stay away from my sister, or I’ll have you fired.”

Short but sweet.

Baby is a great character.

[Spartan Girl]

Forgetting Sarah Marshall:

Aldous Snow: You should have seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then, we come back here, and you put on that... ghastly performance. I mean, I've heard that women fake orgasms, but I've never actually seen one. It really, deeply upset me.

Sarah Marshall: You should have seen yourself at dinner! [mocking Aldous's accent] Oh, I'm Aldous Snow... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, no drinks for me thanks... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Aldous Snow: That's a really reductive impression. If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show. Which, obviously, I can't now, 'cause it's canceled.

Sarah Marshall: Oh my God, you're such a prick! And, you know what?! Lemme tell you something about these tattoos, okay?! That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!

Aldous Snow: Was that genuine, or did you fake that as well? Right, I'm gonna probably clear off, now. I'll have a little sleep for a couple of hours, but then, uh, I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?

Sarah Marshall: [long pause] I hate your music.

Aldous Snow: Yeah, well I fucked the housekeeper the other day.

[Spartan Girl]

Election:

Jim McAllister: I also think that certain young and naive people need to thank their lucky stars and be very, very grateful that the entire school didn't find out about certain indiscretions that could have ruined their reputations and their chances to win certain elections. 

Tracy Flick: And I think certain older people, like you and your colleague, shouldn't be leching after their students, especially when some of them can't even get their own wives pregnant.