SnarkEnthusiast

The idea of a diamond made from your dead cat made me laugh, as did Jonah/Mateo's sleuthing to figure out if Sandra still had the donations. Solid, zany A-plot. I thought Garrett's plot was boring and unfunny as a cutaway scene, let alone an entire C-plot. I agree, there was some definite disjointed writing at the end there. Maybe they wrote the co-manager thing setting up for next season and then added the lawsuit after cancellation was announced? It's a shame because I would've loved to watch Lauren Ash play a bigger role.

It says a lot about how much I cared about Elliott's relationship that I didn’t recognize his fiancé until after he talked about leaving him at the altar. So I guess they are releasing three eps a week three times and then maybe the finale the last week? I hope the finale is longer. I thought there was a lot of comedic potential in the fussy neighbor and them potentially escaping together, so I was disappointed she bit the dust so quickly, but then again I guess they needed Chip to murder someone so they have the option of sending him away permanently once Dory gets back. Also, I understand that things have to move quickly because of the plot and the rest of them needing to go find her, but I was especially bummed that the Portia movie filming barely lasted an episode. That was probably the subplot I was most excited to see. (Movie Drew was also hot. @peachmangosteen) I don’t really care about Elliot and the conservative lady - was she supposed to be killed by that book? LOL Dory’s scenes are predictably starting to drag. It feels like Alia just wants to build an Emmy reel submission for herself. Don’t get me wrong – her performance is phenomenal and I am genuinely impressed by her ability to convey so much emotional nuance just within sobbing alone - but it’s retreading the same beat episode after episode. I’m much more interested in what everyone else is doing. The sticky bun journey was hilarious, as was Drew trying to explain the Twink drama to the CEOs. I also liked the reveal that they are Chip’s parents. Not that I care or ever thought she was relevant after the first season, but where is Chantal?

To each their own! While I'm not a fan of the (contextually understandable) constant sobbing and screaming, to me, it's already miles more entertaining than season 3, which really dragged imo. I feel like Alia Shawkat just wanted the fun/Dramatic Depth of playing Dory unhinged or "evil" and it got really one-note. By the end, every scene was her giving the same smirk and glazed stare to every character she had dialogue with. It was like a high school senior's interpretation of how a sociopath would act. The courtroom scenes were often boring and a lot of subplots, like Chantal's sham business that existed for what looked like a week and Drew banging that juror, had no apparent payoff (although I'm still half-expecting the juror sex come back as a pretext for throwing out their acquittal or something). All of that to say, as someone who had no idea S3 even existed until a few weeks ago, I struggled to motivate myself to finish S3, but watched the first three eps of S4 consecutively and was disappointed there weren't more. Alia structuring Dory's plots the past 2 seasons as essentially one-man plays is starting to feel a little self-indulgent, but I'm excited to see the gang try to find her. I also feel like being locked in a basement and becoming increasingly mentally ill from social deprivation turned out to be the perfect quarantine metaphor. Apparently the three-way kiss was unscripted, which makes it even funnier. Portia falling down really sold it for me. Meredith Hagner is a comedic gem. I enjoyed that that scene was just all 3 actors having fun improvising being sloppy drunk together. And as someone who has a massive crush on John Reynolds, it really worked for me lol. I also laughed at the half-assed neck/shoulder kissing while everyone else is just milling around in the background three feet away. That make out weirdly encapsulated their friendship. I love that they're all messy, terrible people who still love and support each other unconditionally. I'm not really interested in Dory at this point, except for how she motivates the rest of "the gang" to stay together. I can appreciate the character arc of Dory starting as the only one with empathy in S1 and now having the roles reversed, but the supporting characters are much more compelling. I also have higher hopes for the new season because individual subplots are much stronger. I'd much rather watch Drew as a carnie with his accidental murderer princess girlfriend (appreciated that twist!) or Portia trying to play Dory in a movie than anything that happened last season.

Loved seeing Wilma's actress again! Wish she had been given a larger recurring role. Looks like they're awkwardly trying to reincorporate Glascott back into the cast while avoiding using the high school sets. Odd that they haven't brought Lainey back yet. Barry and Erica are both the worst, but she was especially whiny and annoying here. Although, my sister was a blanket "liberal arts" major, started taking pre-med classes her junior year having never shown interest before, and is now a practicing doctor, so it does happen. I enjoyed the throwaway joke of everyone finding Fred's wife's dress hot.

It's apparently opposite day because I think Jacob is a dusty old tryhard square, regardless of age. He acts a lot older than 38. Meanwhile, I think Ryan is adorable and the cutest guy in the cast this season, dead beaver haircut aside. I actually think Clara is pretty funny, but her airhead rambling about wanting an "ethnically ambiguous guy" with "flavor" was incredibly cringe and screamed "white woman who dates Black men to feel cooler and more sexual." Given how notoriously reluctant the experts (or maybe just Cal) were to match a white/Black couple, I wish they hadn't picked a white woman who very obviously and aggressively fetishizes men of color. Paige makes religiosity a keystone of her personality, but also excitedly debates the merits of eating a man's ass. I love it. Brianna is by far the biggest catch of anyone, Vincent better not fuck this up.

I'd rather a Dina spinoff with the cute vet. Imagine the hijinks of them trying to save birds together. As much as I still like individual characters (Dina...Jonah when he's not a pretentious asshat....Kelly?) and was eager for an Amy-free show, the writers have been pushing unfunny, cartoonish characterization - even for a sitcom - for years and are almost obsessively hellbent on ruining every couple to the point of never being able to reunite in a healthy way (good luck selling a sappy, permanent Amy/Jonah reunion weeks/months after she dumped him and admitted she didn't want to marry him). This is their own doing. Hardly anyone likable or realistic is left. I'll follow Lauren Ash and Ben Feldman to their next projects and that's about it.

I actually got several laughs out of this episode! And it always amuses me that Adam casts his real life exes as the mothers of his character's girlfriends - what are the odds that multiple people from the same Jenkintown high school (who just happened to have dated the show's creator) would be working 30 years later in TV/film in LA? lol

Liked Dina struggling with everyone's emotions - very in character for her. She's become my favorite person on the show. Abrupt and abrasive, but still vulnerable and caring. I'm also hopeful that Cheyenne getting promoted to floor supervisor is an opportunity to showcase some growth and maturity, like caring about Jonah's job interview and holding him accountable for taking advantage of her kindness. She's much more sympathetic when she's not being a catty mean girl. COVID inclusion aside, if the show confirmed that the timeline is more or less real time via Jonah working "5 years" at Cloud 9, Cheyenne should be around 22 by now. It's time for her to grow up a bit. But ugh, please no return of snobby, self-important S1 Jonah. He was such a shadow of his former self walking on eggshells with Amy, I forgot how annoying his original characterization was. Yes he's always been pretentious, but the fact that he was so eager to walk all over Cheyenne and especially Garrett at the first sign of a better opportunity was not a good look. I thought we already covered Jonah working through his belief that Cloud 9 was beneath him, but it looks like the the breakup might bring back his superiority complex. Hard pass. Agreed that Marcus' nephew obsession was more uncomfortable than funny. Best part of the episode was the Sandra/Carol rivalry callback.

Last night’s Twisted Sisters was hard to watch as a disabled person. I feel bad that the older sister got stuck with taking care of the younger sister and I know that they were very poor, but you’d think she’d ask one of her other siblings for help. I am also confused how they blew through $350,000 in three years and why the younger sister had direct access to it instead of it being in some sort of trust fund (which is common for estate donations to disabled people), especially when the younger sister proved that she couldn’t be trusted to save money. It sounds like the older sister was walked all over by the entire family and she seems to have some mental issues herself, but it pisses me off when people frame stories like these as “the burden of the disabled family member was too much and they just snapped, who could blame them?” because that logic quickly justifies murdering disabled people basically for being disabled, no matter the context. I understand it’s difficult, but at a certain point it’s on the able-bodied family members to make and live with their own decisions. No one was stopping the older sister from dating or having friends. Yes Debbie (the younger one, I forget the older one's name) was demanding, but even she found a boyfriend online! I am suspicious when caregivers lean on the martyr card. Although the older sister seems like a mild mannered, sweet person or seemed to go out of her way to present herself that way, I think her alcoholism made her a different person behind closed doors. And the fact that she initially claimed to not have any family members shows she’s much more calculating then her affected bewildered granny act would have you (or the police) believe. Don’t get me wrong, she got a shitty deal that quickly spiraled into a Gray Gardens situation, but she had options. Hell, she was literally handed a way out and $350,000 worth of options but then she shrugged and let Debbie blow it all on Star Wars shit.

I like Franchesca too! And I know it's stereotypical, but I was thinking with Nia's shaved head they might make her a lesbian, lol. The writers might as well take a crack at fucking up a gay lady romance too. Equal opportunity toxicity! If Cheyenne is still with loser Beau years after the actor left the show, I don't see why the vet couldn't have a similar occasional guest role, but the writers won't do that because now they need Dina/Garrett to fill the void of the central romance. I don't think Garrett has avoided real relationships because of eighth grade trauma - I think he was always a laidback "fuck it" type of guy who dated casually, developed real feelings for Dina, royally screwed it with Birdgate, and is now realizing both that she's the only woman he's ever loved and he probably can't get her back. Any excitement or nostalgia I would have for them is ruined by how terribly Garrett treated Dina after Birdgate and just him generally being an apathetic, selfish douchebag. He should pound sand, but now the writers have to pull them out of the dumpster fire to sell them as True Love and just hope that we'll overlook Garrett being a shitty person. Because that totally worked with Amy (heavy sarcasm). Re: Sandra, Superstore has a fat woman problem. Any woman that isn't rail thin (Dina, Justine, Sandra) is an idiot and a horndog. Remember when Dina sexually harassed Jonah the entire first season? But then again, I also find their attempts to make Sandra less of a sadsack by making her petty and obsessive and scheming (all the union stuff last season) annoying. She doesn't need to be infantile or pathetic or an evil genius. I wish they'd just let her be a sweet, naive character instead of mocking her every episode.

Ugh, seeing the writers launch right back into Dina/Garrett after the long-suffering Amy/Jonah debacle made me cringe. They have a huge uphill climb to convince me that asshat Garrett is suddenly her soulmate over the adorable vet - I'm not buying his abrupt love realization. And the vet...actually shares and respects her passions? This show is frankly abysmal at romance plots. The only well-executed romance was Jeff/Matteo, which the writers totally abandoned. The gag of Sandra & Jerry adopting a nearly adult man is one of my favorite recurring bits. And Jerry being super unspeakably horny.

I'm surprised the writers had the actual guts to rip the Band-Aid off. Thought the break-up fight was well acted by both America and Ben. Amy/Jonah's whole dynamic has always been Jonah being all in and Amy being ambivalent and emotionally withholding, so it makes sense that the stress of a big move would implode them. Still, I'm disillusioned overall because the whole relationship felt very cruel to Jonah in that he always ripped his heart out for her and never got anything back. It's disheartening to realize he'll probably float around single until some sort of series finale reunion scenario. He's always deserved much better than Amy. Being obsessively in love with someone is only endearing when it's healthy and reciprocated - now it's just pathetic that Jonah has wasted years of his life begging for affection from someone who could never be bothered to care even when they LIVED TOGETHER FOR YEARS.

Well, at least with COVID now the writers have a valid excuse to skip Amy/Jonah affection. Even the hug was so sterile. The "Amy feels uncomfortable with corporate" plot is timely but very confusing since the move is supposed to be America's out from the show. How will they write her off if she denounces the new job? Are they setting up a breakup with her ominous expression during the hug? I hope so because I want Jonah to stay and his romance arc with Amy has been nothing but frustrating and disappointing.

As much as mushy gushy "look how in love we are" couples annoy me (Lizzie, enough with the endless couch nuzzling! People are talking to you - he's not going off to war!), I am eternally impressed by Seb's kindness and the fact that he was gracious enough to step out of that bubble for a second to voice encouragement for the rest of the cast as individuals rather than just gloating about their relationship and rubbing their success in everyone's faces. You know the outcome of your show is bad when part of the only remaining couple cries out of guilt that he's still happy. lol. What a sweet man. Not sure why they bothered dragging the early couples back for the second day if they weren't going to bother talking to them. Also not sure why we wasted interviews on re-litigating the Haley/David toothbrush incident or another self-empowerment tongue bath for Connie or Aleks/Ivan fakery when we never even found out what happened with Kacey/Drew. Poor Amanda was crying the whole time, it looks like the disappointment of the experience is still having a very negative impact on her. Johnny cheering for "mum and dad" during Steve/Mishel's wedding tape was cute and the only time I've liked him in months. Michael/Kacey hooking up and moving in together after filming is hilarious to me because of how obviously threatened Stacey was by her. Not surprised it sounds like he fucked things up with her too and went back to sleeping around. He'll never give up partying. I appreciated that Michael finally called out the obvious, uncomfortable flirting between Michelle Collins (after show host) and Johnny. And she was drooling all over Seb this segment too! Michelle babe, stop trying to make this about you. She needs to stop hitting on dudes she's meant to be interviewing. I was surprised to hear them talk about PR events and getting recognized and even stalkers because I don't think of MAFS US folks as "reality stars" beyond grabbing maybe 50-100k Instagram followers and getting recycled into spinoffs if they make it. Is this a Love Island situation where the show is huge in Australia or something?

Pepper talking to Karen gave me Katie/Mama Katie flashbacks. "I know you make everything about yourself, but I'm begging you not to fuck this up because you need to know this is as good as it's ever going to get for you."

The bolded especially! I'm beyond tired of everyone's bizarre, adolescent obsession with "taking down Michael and Stacey" or "exposing their lies." Everyone knows they're fake, gossipy, smug blowhards - and? You just roll your eyes and move on. Haley and Natasha care far more about Stacey and Michael's image than they do. You can't "expose" people who embrace being terrible. Haley and especially Natasha's little morality/personality campaigns against them landed like a wet fart in the wind and were frankly embarrassing. They just want attention from the group so they're designating themselves leader of an imaginary moral crusade no one asked for. "Stacey and Michael are fake liars who aren't taking their pretend marriage seriously!!!" No shit!! I thought Natasha was full of horseshit, especially with her jab that Stacey "wanted to know what it was like when I said my man only lasted 20 seconds." Uhh, if I remember correctly, that joke was what drove him away. So, Natasha can be upset that Mikey fucked Stacey because that's not him being a "supportive friend" (wtf does that even mean?) but she's allowed to indefinitely mock his sexual performance? These people have interesting definitions of friendship. "We're such great friends! As you know, that means I can ignore you and dictate every aspect of your behavior while also making you feel ashamed for craving the tiniest shred of human contact." Trash. Haley and Natasha threw Mikey under the bus for their own agenda. For all the talk of Stacey being on a high horse, how many times have we been subjected to Haley's obnoxious, self-righteous monologues? So Seb/Lizzie is the only happy couple left standing out of 12? Yikes.

That's pretty much just fandom culture. That's not even the half of it. People were using apps to see what Justine/Caleb's kids would look like and saying they'd take off work to crash their wedding. Bizarre, invasive shit lol. I think people are just bored/unhappy with their lives and so get invested in living vicariously in someone else's joy. Plus, Justine was a fan favorite from the start and (as she herself acknowledged after the show) became a symbol of first the rejection that many dark-skinned Black women face and then ultimately of healthy Black love. Many Black women see themselves in her.

Yay, Justine and Caleb!!!! They were the nicest castmates who deserved it the most. Johnny saying "keep it" was his strategy for the whole show. I'm convinced Moira/Calvin actually got 2nd place. but the producers put Cely/Johnny up there to keep their narrative going/make social media sweat lol. Carrington looked bewildered to be there from start to finish. His deadpan "I think I know" when Arielle told them to go wait for the result was unintentionally funny. Hey, it's a free (rental) suit, booze, and food, so I don't know why he looked so uncomfortable. Probably because the finale is set up like an engagement ceremony and basically forced him to (very poorly, halfheartedly) lead Laurel on even more. Remember when I thought he'd get booted the first week? I severely underestimated how much women under 25 see a total lack of charisma and interest as a challenge. At least Johnny has lines and a smile - Carrington just stares blankly into space. It's like trying to date/mother a 16-year-old. I have to hand it to him, the man came horny (no pun intended) and still left as a proud, unapologetic fuckboy. Notice how his speech and even their montage package focused on her looks because he still knows nothing about her. Laurel is nice and I feel bad that Carrington will crush her within a week when he inevitably ghosts her, but he's all but spelled out he doesn't want to date on the outside at every opportunity, so that's on her. That continuously struck me as odd too, but I think it's a Southern-style pet name. Calvin also strikes me as someone who embraces Dad humor and dorkiness (see: his speech), so that nickname tracks. He at least is way more into her now than when he first came in. I don't think he would've been making out with her all the time if he felt nothing. Then again, I also think he's just a nice guy who was willing to play that role with anyone, so time will tell. I think both he and Moira are enamored with the idea of being wanted and playing house, regardless of who it's with. I noticed Calvin also has the habit of smiling into his kisses with Moira/anyone, which makes him look super into it. That vague line about "chasing moments" was probably alluding to the fact that they'll definitely fuck before they leave and are open to staying friends with benefits until they each find someone local. That outdoor shower scene was hot...call me, Calvin. I'll sorely miss the narrator's snark and all of yours, too! Please migrate over to the Bachelorette forum (premiering Oct. 13th) so we can keep this party going. I love y'all!

I'm not ashamed to admit the shot of Calvin biting Moira's ear lives in my mind rent-free (mostly because it made me horny for Calvin). That grin before he tugged on her earlobe... Exactly this! Even though they both fall into the vapid hot person stereotype (but who on this show doesn't), Calvin puts a lot of effort into making Moira feel special, which is especially impressive for someone who initially was clearly not that attracted to her and itching to jump ship. She seems much more self-absorbed than him, even if it's not malicious. She's too susceptible to flattery and seems like the type to have a rotating flavor of the month because of her non-existent attention span. She's about as likely to give long distance a shot as Carrington. I think she'll get immediately distracted by dudes in her DMs.

I take back all the shit I said about Calvin. He's damn charming. Even if I feel like him recoupling with Moira was a case of mutual desperation/not wanting to leave the Villa, they have genuine chemistry and I could see them making it on the outside. Johnny is so fucking fake! Carrington showed more passion for that car in 3 hours than he has for Laurel in the entirety of their relationship.

Forgive the thirst, but Calvin biting Moira's ear and then kissing her neck was fucking hot. Can't believe I'm ending the season attracted to BSB, but here we are. It finally hit me that Cely reminds me of Ariana Grande, or vice versa. I was surprised that she was so shitty and disinterested in parenting, given that all she does is mother Johnny. Johnny's insistence that his fake baby be a "ladies' man" was giving me homophobe vibes. Cely, it's not Justine's fault your newly minted bf is self-absorbed and emotionally constipated, so stop deflecting by getting pissy with her. Throwing around "love" and a title will not make your relationship stronger. He apparently dumped his last gf to go on the show, so I doubt he'll stick with Cely outside the Villa. Carrington only got to stay because everyone likes Laurel. I think Jaleb is genuine and obviously winning. I know some of you don't see the chemistry, but at the same time remember that they both seem like grounded, normal people and it has to feel strange talking about someone you've known for a month as your potential spouse and now parent of your future children.

Cely and Johnny wanna be Caleb and Justine SO bad lol. How awkward for Carrington's/Johnny's parents to have to be on a jumbotron and meet your son's booty call of a month who thinks they have a future in spite of his blatant bullshit and you have to be like "Well, our son's just a fuckboy...sorry about that!" ESPECIALLY Carrington's/Laurel's parents because of their daylight shower handjob on day 2 or whatever it was. With Carrington's parents fawning over his striptease, I half expected his mom to call Laurel over to critique her hand technique. I love how Calvin/Moira's (so it's pronounced Maura when even the narrator was saying Moira?? What) was like "well you keep each other company...that's nice."

WHY do you haunt me with this ancient curse??? You guys....quarantine is getting to me. BSB is physically kind of hot. Still has the personality of burnt toast, though. Wtf was Moira's sudden seduction tactic? Kiss down to his nipple with no convo/buildup and then just...roll back over? According to Twitter, Noah was pulled for failing to disclose his gay porn career to producers, but I don't get why that would matter on a show that depends on onscreen softcore porn. Twitter calls Johnny a neckless Shrek every day, so if this girlfriend proposal stunt is a play to sway public opinion, he has no idea of the shitstorm waiting for him online. Jaleb stans will only hate him more for stealing Caleb's thunder by usurping the "making it official" fanfare away from them.

You can disagree or take this with a grain of salt, but Connie's the participant who I think cared the least about the TV aspect. I think she was simultaneously consumed by her desire for a relationship and her anxiety, so she found it comforting and appealing to have others not only hand pick her match, but monitor and guide her for months afterward. She probably saw the process as the handholding she needed. She knew she would be on TV yes, but I never got the sense she was gunning for new Instagram followers or reveling in camera time like Stacey, Kasey, Lizzie, and Michael. And most of the guys were there for sex and attention but I always got the impression Connie, Mishel, and Cathy were the most sincere participants who genuinely wanted actual relationships (and arguably Amanda too, but it took her all of two seconds to spiral).

Wow, I thought Johnny and the after show host’s behavior in the segment discussing his final vows was really disgusting. The host immediately implied that him being “forced” to stay with Connie was akin to a hostage situation. Johnny complained how tired he was of her and how uncomfortable it was to share a bed (which I get). And then he and the host both implied that they’d LOVE to share a bed with each other. What happened to all that bullshit about friendship and how much you cared for her, Johnny? To me, that childish and immature performance on the after show totally undercut what I thought was a surprisingly kind and graceful ending to their final vows. Connie’s vows were amazing, even if the empowerment stuff was a little heavy handed and revisionist history to buoy her ego past months of unrequited attraction. Johnny was wise to smile and nod and actually very gracious in the way that he supported her and encouraged her speech and her growth. But nope, then we backslid into high school shit talking about how “cringe” and unstable and unbearable Connie is. That host was all too happy to enable him. The host allowed her bizarre need for male validation at work and her obvious attraction to Johnny to override professionalism. She couldn’t wait to throw Connie under the bus to kiss Johnny‘s ass. We could all see Connie was desperate and clingy and over emotional, but she still seems like a fundamentally nice person if a little annoying and she gave him months of her time, even if he didn’t want the last month lol. As if we needed proof that all that wind bagging and tap dancing about ultra magical, super special friendship that can conveniently only be forged through a complete lack of romance is total bullshit. Of course I never believed they would actually stay in close contact after the experiment (same for Steve and Mishel), but at a bare minimum you can do them the courtesy of not shit talking them on TV behind their back. Fuck Johnny. Looks like Mishel will be giving Steve an epic “the reason you suck” speech next episode.