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Everything posted by SnarkEnthusiast

  1. I fully went into this expecting a Michael/Angela or Azan/Nicole situation, and while Jenny may share Nicole's babyish worldview, Sumit actually seems...genuinely and endearingly into her? Moreso than any of the other couples. Watching him tear up about her leaving and how she'll adjust was downright moving. I thought it was just going to be another delusional cougar giddy about scoring dick half her age while the young playboy feeds her lies, but they seem to truly care about each other. Weird. Of course, it will go up in flames anyway between the culture shock, Sumit's family's rejection, and Jenny seemingly having the emotional resilience of a newborn deer, but hey, I'm surprisingly rooting for them.
  2. I am DYING omg! Imagine the bylines "I Gave My Boyfriend My Heart But All He Wanted Was Some Dick" "Vaginal Rejuvination: Owning My Womanhood After My Boyfriend Cheated With A Man" "Do All Bisexuals Cheat? My Experiences Say Yes". But no, Pinstripe's entire character is built on grimy womanizing masculine insecurity (so dreamy!), so they'd never have him cheat with a dude. It would be hilarious if it turned out he kissed Patrick. Jane/Pinstripe's relationship is the classic example of why you don't ditch what's good/stable (Dr. Ben) because you're horny for a challenge. Alex had infinitely better chemistry with Sutton (and hell, even Kat), but him fucking Jane is inevitable now and probably the whole purpose of the roommate subplot. I predict Jane drunkenly making a pass at him next week. Kat is a terrible person with Shiny Object Syndrome and all the focus of a goldfish. Her loss would've been a good development and source of character growth had they not spent the whole episode watering it down with her cold feet crisis. It's very clunky and poorly written that Tia and Kat went from having sex to (literally overnight) barely touching when Adena came back. We get it, Kat likes Adena more, but wouldn't Tia still think they were in the giddy honeymoon phase? They had about as much chemistry as stepsisters this episode. It's super slimy of Kat to crawl back into bed with Adena behind Tia's back when Tia devoted weeks to doing nothing but helping Kat's campaign and is the one who inspired Kat to enter politics in the first place. Who calls the BIG BAD SUPER SCARY MODEL EATING PHOTOGRAPHER in to say "Heads up, we're writing an expose on you, so you better take a look at all our sources and evidence before we publish"? Why is Jacqueline in particular that fucking tactless????
  3. I agree, especially since they found paint from the railing on the bottom of the scooter and it was determined that the boy was too small to either achieve the height or momentum required to go flying over top of the banister. I think something happened with Rebecca or the sister, whether it be a game that went horribly wrong or an attempt to discipline where the anger went too far, and they panicked given Rebecca's newfound total financial dependence on the boyfriend. Regardless of whether or not Rebecca was actually involved in any act or the cover-up, I think the boyfriend's brother suspected her or accused her and given that he already seemed like a deviant sex pervert, it was the perfect cocktail of circumstance and opportunity. After all, even if you're willing to hand wave or justify every other weird circumstance around her so-called suicide, who shoves a knife up their own vagina immediately before killing themselves?
  4. I don't think it's that deep, I think she's just incredibly horny for Luke P and pissed off he couldn't hold in the crazy long enough to get away with banging him under the guise of a "soul connection" or whatever so the other guys wouldn't be as mad at/disgusted with her when it happens. It's why she gives him an average of 5 personality adjustment lectures per episode - she knows he's a hot mess and if he were anyone else she would've dropped kicked his ass weeks ago, but she desperately, shamelessly wants to ride his dick. She was just having a meltdown because all the pressure from the other men to oust him means her window of opportunity is closing, especially if she wants to fuck him and still walk away with a solid relationship/legit proposal from a more stable option. We just saw the exact moment it dawned on her she probably won't get away with having her cake and eating it too. Every episode provides yet more evidence Hannah has a pain kink. Her eyes were positively sparkling with manic glee as she watched the rugby match. She sure did seem...excited...
  5. Welcome to millennial/Gen Z relationships lol. It feels like 75%+ of lesbian/bisexual couples are trying to turn their relationship into a brand or monetize it somehow. It's super weird. The choice of Rich Sommer as the stealth primary love interest of this show continues to baffle me, as much as I like him. Not only does he seem too old for Murphy (there's 16 years between them irl - Perry Mattfeld is 25), but his personality registers somewhere between "unhip suburban dad" and "friendzoned high school nerd." I appreciate that he's not Hollywood Hot, but still, not exactly a recipe for crackling sexual tension.
  6. Lol! I'm not knocking childhood sweethearts. All I meant was that for me, as someone who is not currently with anyone I liked in middle/high school and also had admittedly questionable taste in boys, it's difficult for me personally to imagine not only still being with someone you were dating at 13/14 into your 30s (because I'm a completely different person now), but also raising a small soccer team with them.
  7. To each their own, but given that the only other example of a lesbian relationship on this show is the steaming turd pile of plot devices and toxicity that is Rose/Luisa (the two most boring and lazily written characters on the show imo), Petra/JR is at least a solid improvement. I also feel like it's affirmation that Petra's subconsciously attracted to Jane or that Petra/Jane would be dating on some other timeline, which I'm down with. Cutesy parallels to Jane aside and although senior sex positivity in media is much needed, I'm starting to tire of Horny Alba, which seems to be her only mode this season. We get it, she wants to be railed 24/7 now!!!
  8. The whole cast continues to weirdly have better chemistry with Bridget/Mayhem than their actual love interests. I thought the fight sequences were really well edited together and Ty/Tandy's monologues about each other's strength highlighted their bond well. This finale was immensely disappointing to the shipper in me after multiple episodes of desperation to be reunited and high-stakes rescue missions and multiple ambiguous declarations of affection. The writers seem to be hedging and wishy-washy about turning Tandy/Ty romantic, which is annoying. And Ty's creepy graveyard stalking suggests we'll still be stuck with Evita in S3 if it happens. The fact that she spent the entire finale huddled in place over a candle while everyone else fought battles is a good metaphor for her relevance to the show.
  9. The mom's perpetual pasted-on nervous hostage smile is odd. I can't imagine raising 9 kids with a man you met in middle school and the first and only person you've ever dated. Babies are cute. Puppies are cute. Brothers are cute and good older siblings. I love the little girl who always smiles and the one baby who wouldn't stop kissing mom. That said, I thought Rawlings was a terrible enough name, let alone for a girl, but nicknaming her "Raw Raw"? Truly atrocious. What is she, a chew toy? A Flintstones character?
  10. RIGHT?! All I can think is "God I hope this bitch gets off." This whole plot is just so insufferably smug and superior. (You know Jane has definitely masturbated to the thought of herself as the female Ronan Farrow, lmao.) Which makes it even more ironic that the companion storyline to this sanctimonious dreck is a woman pressuring her subordinate to date her, taking her gay virginity, and then plotting to ditch her mere hours later because he ex blinked in her general direction. I know most of you could give two shits about Tia, but I felt for her when she interrupted Kat's pity party to say "Last night was a big deal for me too." Tia is going through exactly what Kat went through in S1, but Kat apparently has no empathy as World's Hottest Lesbian now and the audience isn't supposed to care because she's not Kat. It's fascinating how the writers can influence audience investment (with the exact same plots!!!!!!!) based on how the protagonist is impacted. Imagine if Adena had fucked Kat and then gone back to her ex the next day! Sutton's eventual explanation of not wanting Richard to buy her stuff was good, I just wish her storyline wasn't so WASPy. I can't really relate to or empathize with not wanting my wealthy older boyfriend to share his lifestyle or whisk me away to a Connecticut summer home or bankroll my every career whim while I hide in the closet and bitch about it to my friends. "Humility" can feel and look a lot like "taking shit for granted."
  11. Did anyone watch the memorial day marathon yesterday? I'm currently about five hours in, but Murder Loves Company (a new show) and Murder Chose Me had breathtakingly, unfathomably stupid motives. I can't imagine being murdered by not even your roommate, but your roommate's mother because you had the audacity to ask her to be quiet during a movie. And being fatally bodyslammed because you lied about who paid for some daiquiris has to be hands down the dumbest inciting incident for murder I've ever heard, and it's hard to top the Vegetable Enforcer from last week. I can't believe the rest of the family didn't get charged for leaving the guy in bed for 24 hours with a broken neck when he probably would have been able to otherwise live a full life if he had received medical attention sooner. Absolute garbage people. Re: the girl murdered by her roommate's couch surfing mom, every story is of course tragic and awful, but seeing how many photos she had taken with her clearly beloved family dog and then to see that dog still alive in the present, very elderly with his little grey muzzle, staring at the pictures of the two of them together on the wall...man, that made me choked up.
  12. Make no mistake, I did thoroughly enjoy the film (regardless of questionable masturbation habits)! 🙂 Molly being Jonah Hill's sister totally tracks. I'm down with lady Superbad...that trailer for Good Boys or whatever it's called, not so much. I don't think we need a middle school Superbad, lol.
  13. This was pretty cute but probably forgettable in the long run. It was basically Broad City set in high school, if Abby and Illana were drug free, neurotic overachievers. Molly was kind of annoying and reminded me much more of a drama kid than a valedictorian. I thought the friendship between her and Amy was very sweet and well executed, even if we hardly learned anything about them as individual characters. Of course, the entire movie rests on your ability to hand wave the ridiculous premise that every single character, no matter how popular or dumb, is actually a secret genius headed to an Ivy League school or a cushy Silicon Valley job in the fall. I guess we're just supposed to assume that Molly and Amy are either too oblivious or superior to have noticed…that half their grade was taking the same classes as them for at least the past two years? The weird "doll acid trip" stopmotion-esque sequence was the only thing that landed like a lead balloon for me and totally took me out of the movie because I felt like I was watching a Robot Chicken sketch. As a woman who adored stuffed animals as a child and continues to have fond memories of them, I was deeply disturbed by the running gag that Amy uses a stuffed animal (presumably from childhood???) to masturbate. I shudder to even ask, is that a thing? I'm hardly a masturbation aficionado, but why wouldn't you just use your hand? She's an adult...she knows how it works...wouldn't the beads hurt?...augh. The shot of Amy swimming under the water and tracking everyone from their legs to reveal Molly and Amy's crushes making out (a great twist!) was great cinematography and built a nice tension. Molly's backup love interest was adorable. Only in Hollywood would a Gucci clad handsome kid with money to burn be considered an outcast. Amy's backup love interest, however…not so much. Their sex scene was really cute and realistic until she freaked out after the puking incident, which struck me as an abruptly cold and nasty reaction. I feel like the writers forced that fight to give them a final reconciliation scene, but All it did was make me feel bad that Amy is going to spend her gap year strung along by this crappy girl simply because she's the first girl who ever showed her romantic attention. In my opinion, she had better chemistry with Ryan and Ryan fit her quirky personality more, but I guess they wanted to do the "tomboy is actually straight" twist, so whatever. It was awesome seeing Jessica Williams again because I haven't really been following her she left The Daily Show! The role was perfect for her, although I was surprised they went with her sleeping with her (verified legal) student, given that feels very un-PC for a social justice minded Gen Z audience. Lisa Kudrow and Will Forte felt very underused, but hilarious nonetheless. The pizza guy reveal was also the funniest part of the movie for me. The actress playing Amy reminds me a lot of Ellen Page.
  14. I wanted Avan to play Aladdin, but since that isn't happening, I guess watching him pretend to jerk off Tyler Posey in an alley will have to do. This show is really testing my boundaries for gratuitous sex scenes, which I didn't even realize I had. It's basically porn vignettes with the stoner alien subplot thrown in to get it past the censors. 90% of dialogue between characters occurs during sex. The majority of characters are introduced during sex. Characters fuck within 10 seconds of meeting. Three characters masturbate (unprompted by anything) in almost back-to-back scenes in the same episode. I find myself sighing and saying "another sex/masturbation scene?" The cam girl stuff is at least plot-relevant so I'll give that a pass. But I am laughing at the visual of Ford's actor or some poor PA having a cup of...milk? yogurt? or whatever it was as fake cum to fling across his chest at the designated moment. And how many actors have lined up and filmed for a day just to pretend to jerk it at a webcam? That's definitely not a credit I'd want on my reel. Overall, it just feels like actors who are tired of playing teens trying to prove themselves and force themselves out of that demographic by doing as many X-rated scenes as possible.
  15. All the Roloff men in general seem like losers, and I don't get what any of the women see in them (minus Instagram fame ho Audrey), especially Tori. Zach is stuck at 17 emotionally, lazy, and has zero apparent long-term goals, which to be fair also describes Jeremy and probably Jacob, but Tori is just so normal and well-adjusted. Jeremy looks perpetually miserable. Must be awkward for Caryn's kids to know there's a strong possibly their mom broke up her former bosses' marriage and then have to pal around and play blended family with Matt. I don't know why she insists on forcing (the appearance of) a continued relationship with Amy, who can barely seem to stomach eye contact with her. Regardless of when the Caryn/Matt relationship started, it's a bitter blow and incredibly tacky for your employee of a decade to not only start sleeping with your (ex) husband, but continue to flaunt their relationship and play house on your property for years afterwards. On the flip side, I don't get why Amy is so bothered by any hint of casual friendship between Matt and Chris. I think because she's in giddy high school sweetheart mode and justifiably still sour about Caryn, a tiny part of her wants Chris to hate Matt or be jealous of him to indirectly scratch her petty itch or boost her ego. But Chris has never been married into his 50s - this clearly ain't his first rodeo dating in a divorced family. I think it's very mature and realistic of him to want to build a positive relationship with Matt knowing it will be easier for him than Amy to influence Matt in her favor, as evidenced by Matt's douchey comment that Chris has been a "calming influence" on Amy or whatever condescending, backhanded bullshit he said. Look, I get having an affinity for a particular dog breed, but Tori has to realize Murphy is a terrible dog to not only have around any toddler, but potentially several toddlers with dwarfism, especially with his boundless energy and total lack of training. You'd think this would've occurred to her given that there's a good possibly she'll be the only person in her family of average height.
  16. The Invisible Big Bad Photographer storyline is hands-down the worst part of this block. God knows this show loves a self-congratulatory #MeToo storyline. But who is this woman, Slenderman? How come no one can actually see or talk to her in real time? Why does she seemingly have every model and hair and makeup artist within a 100 mile radius talking in code and nervously glancing over their shoulder? For all of this buildup, we better get to watch her chop off a model's finger and eat it during a shoot or something. Unrelated, but the actor who played the makeup artist was someone I watched on a YouTube mini series years ago (Carmilla - basically Twilight with college lesbians and the same questionable acting choices). They're a really lovely person (and actually non-binary!!!) so it was a wonderful surprise seeing them pop up on actual TV!
  17. I find it most eye roll inducing that in a show about woke SJW millennials, Kat is aggressively pursuing her active political campaign manager and no one bats an eye because they're cute and gay!!! Which is a funny interpretation because Tia is actually played by a queer actress, unlike Kat and Adena (to my knowledge). You'd think that actually being queer might make the chemistry more authentic, but maybe not. It made me laugh that 24 hours ago Tia was struggling with her feelings for women and then she's not only losing her gay virginity, but topping Kat in the next episode. Kat works fast! SOMEONE needs to bang Alex. He's so cute and everyone overlooks him. He deserves better than Jane, but he's already kissed Sutton and Kat, so he might as well go for the trifecta.
  18. Well, that was unexpectedly depressing as hell. And here I thought the biggest drama in the finale would be the continuing fallout from Garrett and the birds! I had to fast forward through them being cornered by the ice agents because it was too heartbreaking – you can only imagine what families in real life must feel. I cosign the general consensus that Mateo has been unfathomably, almost unconscionably annoying this season, but obviously no one deserves to be deported for having a shitty personality. It will be interesting to see where they go with his character from here, since they already pointed out that he wouldn't be able to come back to work even if he wasn't deported. Maybe a quickie marriage to Jeff? I wonder if Amy, Jonah, and maybe even Sandra (unlikely) will feel some measure of guilt for indirectly starting the snowball effect that led to Mateo getting deported. In fairness, Jeff has been a rather clingy sad sack of an ex-boyfriend, so I don't blame Mateo for ignoring him and not necessarily picking up the fact that something was wrong. But then they tried to turn it into some weird joke about how millennials don't like taking phone calls and played into the "Mateo is a vapid oblivious person" theme that this season just couldn't seem to get enough of, which was tonally awkward given that ICE was en route to arrest him. I did enjoy the fact that Jeff was willing to pretend that he had diarrhea to go warn Mateo. True love indeed. Other miscellaneous thoughts: Seeing Kelly made me wish that they had kept her on as a series regular and resent the stupid love triangle for eliminating her from the show. She's a wholesome breath of fresh air in a cast full of unapologetically terrible characters. I thought it was douchey of Amy to be hung up on the fact that Jonah still had her number given the urgency of the situation and the fact that she was helping her with zero pettiness whatsoever even after she stole her boyfriend! I was even happy to see Bo, and his character has never been funny to me. What's that actor doing now? Didn't the show that he left Superstore for get canceled? They might as well bring him back too. I can't express how much I love the evolution of Dina. She's become the most loyal friend on the show and you can tell she genuinely loves her coworkers, even though she acts annoyed with some of them. Her character has come a long way from S1 where she basically existed to sexually harass Jonah. Sure, Lauren Ash is good at cringe comedy, but this season in particular has really shown that she can sell deeper emotional beats. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the writers need to remember that Sandra is best in small doses. She's been teetering on caricature lately. I personally found her kind of obnoxious in the union episode. Don't get me wrong, I know she was technically on the right side of the issue, but it was irritating that she knew nothing about the cause and jeopardized everyone else's jobs to get some fleeting attention. I know her desperation is supposed to be funny, and it works in her rivalry with Carol, but let's keep it there please. She continues to be adorable with Jerry, however. Amy and Jonah continue to have zero chemistry or believable emotion since they've gotten together. All of their scenes have the exact same flat affect, whether it's telling each other that they're in love or the half-baked conflict we got during these episodes. Flirting? It's monotone! Angry? It's monotone! I like Myrtle.
  19. Remember this is the same character who's currently attempting to seduce her campaign manager. "Appropriateness" and "professionalism" are just light suggestions to Kat. Kat was a GROSS FAKE HETERO who had PINK HAIR! 2014 was truly a wild time.
  20. The extended version of this show is like watching a comet go by twice...if that comet were actually a dumpster fire.
  21. That part made me laugh out loud. Usually the meet cute where the love interests make eye contact is endearing and supposed to be about two teens or twentysomethings falling in love because they're young and impulsive. Only instead of two freshfaced heroes, the camera could not have been any closer to Richard's eye bags and crows feet. When he looked up and smiled at her, it was like a dad smiling at his daughter. Look, I'm not saying you have to be below a certain age to be worthy of romance and age gaps are fine, but between the soundtrack and packaging it as a bubblegum pop teen flirt session, it did zero favors for their supposedly "serious epic love story" and unintentionally put a glaring spotlight on him as an old perv. Jane is just getting flat-out boring to watch, and not even in a way where it's fun to hate on her. She just has so many scenes and so many plots where absolutely nothing happens and I don't understand her appeal. I guess that she's supposed to be the bland Author Avatar for the viewer, but Sutton is much more likable. Jane is rapidly approaching Bella Swan levels of Mary Sue, although Jacqueline will always beat her. I mean, even without accounting for Kat's Magical Lesbian Powers, I should have seen this coming because there's no way they would cast an actress who's totally channeling a young Samira Wiley vibe and not make her into ladies, lol. If they had to make her not straight, I would've appreciated it if they had done the reveal but had her say "I am actually into women, but I'm quitting anyway because your advances towards me have been really inappropriate and unprofessional especially in the context of an active political campaign." But no, of course she quit because she's so afraid of her uncontrollable gay feeeeelings for Kat! I feel like writers feel a lot of pressure when they include a queer character because it seemed like from that point forward, they feel like they have to do tons of wish fulfillment for closeted kids and the twitter mob. @tennisgurl re: Kat's Invisible alleged bisexuality, I've been thinking a lot about that as well! I was briefly encouraged in the opening scene of the flashback when we saw her kissing a dude, who I naturally assumed would have been her boyfriend at the time, but then we watched her deleting his number as she walked away, so apparently he was just some random tinder/Bumble hookup she roped into dropping her off at work the next morning? (Weird.) Her conflicted/irritated face again gave the impression that even back then she was in denial or doing it to fit in, which again, seemed like a lazy retcon to feed twitter stans. This new showrunner can't come soon enough.
  22. The God complex that celebrities seem to have is ludicrous, particularly for actors. It's bizarre that society worships people essentially for playing pretend, to the extent that we give them the impression that they're inherently superior people just for existing. I guess coddling people like two-year-olds as adults make them think they can get away with anything and that every choice they make is automatically justified because they're Special and Beloved. Newsflash, dipshit, you're Aunt Becky, not Malala.
  23. This weeks finale of Unbreakable was so odd. I get everyone displays grief differently and tears are by no means mandatory, but Heather had such a bizarre detached, monotone, almost nonchalant delivery of even the most harrowing parts of her story. She talked about trying to stop her father from shooting like it was a memory from a high school lacrosse game or something. But her niece had the exact same emotionless tone when describing watching her mother be murdered in front of her at age 11 (and in present day she's 15, if that), so there's definitely something off about that entire family. The poor kids. The strangest thing was that there was no telltale "warning signs from my childhood" segment. It was basically "my life was totally normal until the random half-sister I didn't know I had moved in" which feels like there's a massive chunk of back story missing. I guess she did mention the paranoia and end of days ranting, but wasn't that after the sister moved in? So we're supposed to believe this man was father of the year until children not eating vegetables set him off? I'm ashamed now to admit I laughed out loud at what I thought was Heather's hyperfocus on the vegetable issue and phrases like "his hatred of vegetables just kept rising" until it turned out that that was the final inciting argument with her sister and the issue enraged the father to such a degree that this man actually said "that's what you get for not eating your vegetables" to his horrified grandchildren after delivering the kill shot to their mother. If you didn't know it was from an actual case, it sounds like an SNL comedy sketch along the lines of Dear Sister. It's safe to say even as a veteran ID channel viewer, that's one of the most unusual triggers. Yes he was obviously unstable, but…you really murdered half your family over not eating vegetables? in reality, I'm hoping that it was actually precipitated by him catching wind of the divorce talk and he deflected by hyper fixating on his usual vegetable issue, because I refuse to process the horrible tragedy of a mother of young children being murdered over something so stupid. I mean pretty much every reason is stupid, but that one takes the cake for sure. It has to make you wonder what was going on in the sisters life that she would uproot her kids across country, arrive and see her estranged father ranting about the news and yelling at her for hours on end about vegetables and still think "yeah, this is still a preferable living situation and a better environment for my kids."
  24. Portman said the first "fan letter" she ever received she ever received (at about age 12) was from an adult male "fan" telling her about his graphic rape fantasy involving her. Her hometown radio show (!!!) had a "countdown to 18" clock for her. Mara Wilson (Matilda) said that people were photoshopping her 6-year-old face onto pornography websites as early as the mid-90s, when the Internet was still in its embryonic phases. Both have spoken out about the increasing sexualization of 15-year-old Millie Bobbie Brown (Eleven from Stranger Things). Men are and always will be creepy fucks. But it's not even always men - a year or two ago Finn Wolfhard (Mike from Stranger Things, then 14) had to post an incredibly awkward video response addressing the outrage following some 25-year-old (lady) model/Instagram influencer/whatever posted some IG story about a photoshoot he did or something with a caption along the lines of "not being weird but hit me up when you turn 18." Hollywood and Instagram culture each cater to a pedophile subculture and for some reason give the impression that being conventionally attractive or in the entertainment industry negates being a minor and it really, really doesn't.
  25. Apparently the author of FOTB has distanced himself from the series entirely and viewers say that Wu's character has been Flanderized into an idiot in recent seasons. But there's also been rumors Wu is rude and ungrateful (shady tweets were liked by her Crazy Rich Asians cast mates), so I see both sides. Yeah it sucks she feels trapped on a shitty project, but the incident has kind of exposed her as a spoiled, entitled asshole. Those sulky, salty tweets read like a bratty 14-year-old flipping off her mom...and she's a professional actress pushing 40! It's embarrassing. I get actor fatigue (hello Glee, Modern Family, etc.), but at least have an ounce of appreciation for the fact that these old glue horses gave you your career instead of acting like your shit doesn't stink.
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