Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[Aquarius]

The ones where the girl smokes one joint at a party, and the following week she is a heroin addict working the streets and is beaten to death by her pimp.  Because that's realistic. 

 

Hee . . . my husband and I always do a riff on that scene from "Reefer Madness" where the dude tries to kill his mother with a skillet.  Because he smokes pot.  Very realistic.

[ganesh]

Only on TV does the bad guy waste time explaining his wicked evil plans to the good guy, giving the good guy and his friends time to rescue him.

 

The Middleman sent this up hilariously with a running gag. 

Also, no one answers the phone with someone they know with "hello." Like, "Hello, ganesh? You're late." 

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Hee . . . my husband and I always do a riff on that scene from "Reefer Madness" where the dude tries to kill his mother with a skillet.  Because he smokes pot.  Very realistic.

With a skillet? This is making me laugh inappropriately.

[ganesh]

Only on tv do adversaries "have more in common that you know!!!" No one says, "No, you're just an asshole."

[BatmanBeatles]

This is especially true on teen-audience shows.  Some kid gets drunk or high one time and suddenly they are labeled 'alcoholic' or 'addict' and hurried off to the nearest AA meeting.  And if they ever so much as sip a beer again, everyone panics.  OMG!!  OMG!!  Reminds me of those films they made us watch in class in the sixties. The ones where the girl smokes one joint at a party, and the following week she is a heroin addict working the streets and is beaten to death by her pimp.  Because that's realistic. 

Eating disorders are also solved in one episode.

[shapeshifter]

Only on TV do the side effects of anti-psychotic medications (for bipolar and schizophrenia) not include noticeable weight gain.

Only on TV do a cold shower and a cup of coffee make a falling down drunk sober.

Edited July 25, 2014 by shapeshifter

[Sandman87]

...but unless your opponent is made entirely of plywood, there's very little sound IRL.

So, only if you're fighting Elisabeth Rohm then?

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

This one I cribbed from an old Mad magazine...

Only on TV is there never any significant weather outside until it's Christmas, when it suddenly starts snowing everywhere.

Edited July 25, 2014 by Sir RaiderDuck OMS

[kiddo82]

Only on TV do a cold shower and a cup of coffee make a falling down drunk sober.

A pair of sunglasses is all that is needed to hide that hangover, yes siree. You might groan or jump at a loud noise but no one is shown debilitated for half a day rolling around in agony. Not that I would know from experience, but my friend has mentioned that's what sometimes happens. Yeah. My friend.

Edited July 25, 2014 by kiddo82

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only on TV do a cold shower and a cup of coffee make a falling down drunk sober.

Or a shot of Vitamin B 12, at least according to an episode of MASH. Hawkeye had to sober Margaret up because wounded were coming in, so he gave her a shot, and she hilariously said, "And I didn't get you anything."

 

So, only if you're fighting Elisabeth Rohm then?

I dunno, @Sandman87, the Rohmbot would probably fight back. ;-)

[shapeshifter]

Only on TV does a very pregnant woman not gain weight anywhere except the baby bump, but then when the same actress actually is pregnant, she gains weight everywhere.

[Bella]

Only on TV does a very pregnant woman not gain weight anywhere except the baby bump, but then when the same actress actually is pregnant, she gains weight everywhere.

 

There is an almost perfect correlation between non-pregnant actresses portraying pregnant characters, and those same actresses having to cover up actual pregnancies because the character isn't pregnant at that time. 

[ToxicUnicorn]

Only on tv are there households with an adorable new puppy/regular shedding dog - but no sign of dog hair, paw prints, or long smudges across the walls at a certain height.

[Shannon L.]

Only on tv are women really good at giving hair cuts--especially their own.  Need to change your look?  Grab a pair of scissors, start cutting and you'll have a wonderful looking bob or pixie cut in no time. 

[electraheartnataly]

Only on tv when someone hears some very surprising OMG!-kind of news do they drop whatever they are holding. Most often it will be a glass or for e.g. 'You're the father of the baby' cue person receiving news dropping a whole stack of plates and them smashing on the floor. This always makes me laugh when this happens on tv, when people hear something that shocks them or catches them off guard in real life i'm pretty sure they don't lose the grip of their hands. Similarly someone always feels the need to deliver OMG-kind of news when the other person has their mouth full and they spew their food or drink everywhere.

[ganesh]

Only on tv do people say, "with all due respect." I've never heard this irl. 

[electraheartnataly]

haha ''with all due respect..<insert something the other person will definately find disrespectful>"

i have used this before but never expect to be taken seriously when i do, it's the tv version of 'no offense or anything but <insert something the other person will definately find offensive>".

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv when someone hears some very surprising OMG!-kind of news do they drop whatever they are holding. Most often it will be a glass or for e.g. 'You're the father of the baby' cue person receiving news dropping a whole stack of plates and them smashing on the floor. This always makes me laugh when this happens on tv, when people hear something that shocks them or catches them off guard in real life i'm pretty sure they don't lose the grip of their hands. Similarly someone always feels the need to deliver OMG-kind of news when the other person has their mouth full and they spew their food or drink everywhere.

"Damn...damn....DAMN! "

--Florida Evans, as she drops the punch bowl at her late husband's repast

[psychoticstate]

Wedding Interruptus.    If it is a sitcom, wacky hijinks will ensue such as the groom disappearing or the dress getting set on fire by being too close to the heater while the best man and maid of honor have hot steamy sex.   If it is a drama -- well anything can happen.  Grooms dying, mass shootings, doubles that eat frogs.

 

In real life, most weddings go off without a hitch.  The worst that happens in real life is that drunk friend you knew you shouldn't have invited but did gets .. . drunk.

 

Only on tv sitcoms do wacky hijinks ensue on the regular.  Maybe I need more wacky hijinks in my life.

 

Back when I used to watch soaps, I always noticed that there was never more than one "John", "Mary", etc. in the town (until Days of Our Lives, I think, had 2 Johns).  I also noticed they never went to the bathroom, never wore the same outfit twice (unless they were kidnapped or held captive and could not change their clothes) and they never seemed to work like normal people unless the plot called for them to go into work to steal something or spy on someone.

 

Only on tv can kids graduate from college after attending class maybe twice.  And only on shows called Beverly Hills 90210 can they not only graduate from a stellar higher learning institution like California University by merely driving by and honking but they can own a nightclub before they are 21 (while simultaneously attending college) and can drive a very expensive car.  Also can their parents leave to move out of country and leave their Beverly Hills residence to their 19 year old college son and his friends with absolute trust.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only on tv do people say, "with all due respect." I've never heard this irl. 

I heard some comedian say that paisans (Italians, of which she was one) say "I say this with all due respect..." because then they're going to say whatever the fuck they want.

[Rick Kitchen]

 

Back when I used to watch soaps, I always noticed that there was never more than one "John", "Mary", etc. in the town (until Days of Our Lives, I think, had 2 Johns).

 

Days has a Jack (who is dead, but is talked about all the time and the camera keeps flashing on his photo), a Jack Junior (JJ) and a Jackson (who goes by Sonny).  They also have an entire family with the last name of Brady, and a guy whose first name is Brady.

[ganesh]

I heard some comedian say that paisans (Italians, of which she was one) say "I say this with all due respect..." because then they're going to say whatever the fuck they want.

 

 

Dom Irrera also Italian, also did a routine on this. 

 

I say this with all due respect, your daughter's a whore. She takes charge, just like her father. And she's a good earner. She's just earning off dick. All due respect. 

[shapeshifter]

...Only on tv can kids graduate from college after attending class maybe twice....

They should be experts at it since they graduated high school and were admitted to top tier colleges by only sitting in a classroom twice--the rest of the time that they were actually in school was spent in hallways by lockers--or occasionally in the janitor's closet.

[Sandman87]

Only on TV does law enforcement have a single fingerprint database where one can do a single search, instantly get one result as a match, and have it be 100% accurate.

IRL the process can take weeks, involve a whole bunch of databases, give back hundreds of result candidates, and still have a surprisingly high error rate.

[BatmanBeatles]

When people kiss they must make loud, smacking sounds.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only on TV does the FBI have a hacker genius who can access her super computer's searchable database of absolutely every fact about everyone in America in three seconds flat.  

 

"We need to find a man with one wooden leg who moved to Chicago in 2008 and has two sons and one cat and a hamster and shops at Walmart and Dicky's Gun Shop and went on vacation to Florida in 1992...Oh, and he may have gingivitis!"

 

1...2...3... "Got it!  He lives at 4589 Spring St. He should be home right now watching Big Brother!" 

All computer hacking, and in fact all computer use, involves is typing on your keyboard really fast and saying, "Come on, you can't hide from me!"

[walnutqueen]

Only on TV does the FBI have a hacker genius who can access her super computer's searchable database of absolutely every fact about everyone in America in three seconds flat.  

 

"We need to find a man with one wooden leg who moved to Chicago in 2008 and has two sons and one cat and a hamster and shops at Walmart and Dicky's Gun Shop and went on vacation to Florida in 1992...Oh, and he may have gingivitis!"

 

1...2...3... "Got it!  He lives at 4589 Spring St. He should be home right now watching Big Brother!" 

 

"Thanks, Baby Girl."

[Rick Kitchen]

They should be experts at it since they graduated high school and were admitted to top tier colleges by only sitting in a classroom twice--the rest of the time that they were actually in school was spent in hallways by lockers--or occasionally in the janitor's closet.

 

It doesn't really matter, because they won't be expected to ever go to work, especially if they're on a soap opera.

[Shannon L.]

Walk into any karaoke bar, anywhere in the world, and at some point in the evening, you'll hear "Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown".

[Bella]

Only on TV: The shy girl going to the karaoke bar with her friends always ends up being a fantastic singer and she meets her true love that night. While drunk. In fact, she's always so drunk that she can barely stand. But boy, can she sing!

[Kel Varnsen]

Only on TV does law enforcement have a single fingerprint database where one can do a single search, instantly get one result as a match, and have it be 100% accurate.

IRL the process can take weeks, involve a whole bunch of databases, give back hundreds of result candidates, and still have a surprisingly high error rate.

You mean it doesn't involve a computer going through finger prints one at a time and flashing all the non-matches on the screen. I no nothing about how it works, but even so that made no sense. I mean it would be like if you searched something on google if it displayed all the results that failed before you got the one you wanted. I mean with how fast computers are displaying the failures on the screen would take more time than the actual checking.

[OSM Mom]

When people kiss they must make loud, smacking sounds.

And oh God how I hate that. Burning hatred.

[MaryMitch]

You mean it doesn't involve a computer going through finger prints one at a time and flashing all the non-matches on the screen. I no nothing about how it works, but even so that made no sense. I mean it would be like if you searched something on google if it displayed all the results that failed before you got the one you wanted. I mean with how fast computers are displaying the failures on the screen would take more time than the actual checking.

 

That's like the computers that always have flashing lights. Even if it's a robot which has its insides suddenly exposed, there are those little lights flashing under the skin.  At least they don't have the spinning tape drives any more, but that took them about 20 years.

[Ohwell]

"Thanks, Baby Girl."

This is OT, but I hate it when he says that!  I know the writers think it's cute, but it's so unprofessional and I just want to smack him.

 

Only on TV does everyone drink black coffee, especially cops.  No one ever adds cream or sugar.

[ganesh]

If there's a "foreign" character he will always say "how you say?..." because he's *foreign*. Nevermind that most ESL people speak it better than me. 

 

Oh! And if there's a scientist, we must talk about his book smarts v your street smarts.

[Kel Varnsen]

That's like the computers that always have flashing lights. Even if it's a robot which has its insides suddenly exposed, there are those little lights flashing under the skin.  At least they don't have the spinning tape drives any more, but that took them about 20 years.

Terminators and other killer robots always have something similar too. You will see the world through their eyes and there will be text printed in their field of vision kind of like a heads up display. Because when you are computer, the most efficient way to load information is to print it out on text then read it into your brain.

[shapeshifter]

Terminators and other killer robots always have something similar too. You will see the world through their eyes and there will be text printed in their field of vision kind of like a heads up display. Because when you are computer, the most efficient way to load information is to print it out on text then read it into your brain.

Unless there is a cute kid who is magically tuned into the space alien or robots psyche, who can tell others what ET is trying to say.

[MrMattyMatt]

Only on TV (sitcoms) does every family have some sort of sibling rivalry going on, either as a continual or occasional theme.  We never see siblings that get along all the time as friends.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Terminators and other killer robots always have something similar too. You will see the world through their eyes and there will be text printed in their field of vision kind of like a heads up display. Because when you are computer, the most efficient way to load information is to print it out on text then read it into your brain.

The Buffybot also had this. The first time she meets the Scoobies, a little panel of basic facts about each of them came up, bringing us the classic line, "Hi, Anya. How's your money?"

 

Oh! And if there's a scientist, we must talk about his book smarts v your street smarts.

 

A corollary to this is that street smarts trump book smarts every time.

[Joe]

If there's a "foreign" character he will always say "how you say?..." because he's *foreign*. Nevermind that most ESL people speak it better than me. 

I find that's more with French characters than anything else. But you're right. Half the foreigners I know speak better English than half the native speakers.

[Kromm]

Okay, I'm gonna break my own rules (from when I set the thread up) and talk about something I ASSUMED was an "Only On TV", and then I thought about it and realized maybe it wasn't. 

 

I'd been thinking for a while it was a real "Only On TV" thing to have a Choir suddenly appear singing behind something (on TV it would typically be some emotional montage) and suddenly "Inspiration!"  You know, of the button-pushy sort where feel-goodness just been shortcutted by a simple device like that choir.

 

Then on the radio today the Sam Smith song "Stay With Me" came on, and I realized that it might actually be radio/music that trained that "Inspiration in a Can" response into us.  TV (and movies too, I guess--but overall in this thread I think we are treating TV and movie cliches as the same) are just following the lead already laid down by popular music.  I mean it's not like Smith invented this device.  U2, Elton John, Pink Floyd, John Lennon, R. Kelly, The Rolling Stones, Queen, Madonna, Michael Jackson.. tons of artists have gone there before, and TV and movies simply picked up the ball and magnified it into an even bigger cliche).

[AimingforYoko]

We never see siblings that get along all the time as friends.

Reason #432 why I love Disney's Gravity Falls.

[ToxicUnicorn]

Only on TV are students always smarter than their teachers.  College professors are especially inept at having any a) social skills, b) well-reasoned opinions, and c) fashion sense.  Drives me nuts.

 

Only on TV (or, at least, not so much in real life) is it possible to put on a magical white coat and go through hospital halls, looking into patient charts, helping yourself to drugs, and carrying weapons in order to kill someone without arousing any suspicion whatsoever.  Because no one on the hospital staff has the slightest idea of who works there or of anything that ever goes on in patient rooms.  *eyeroll*  

[P2C2E]

Reason #432 why I love Disney's Gravity Falls.

And Phineas and Ferb.

Edited July 28, 2014 by P2C2E

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv do women not have to prop their leg up on the shower wall in order to shave. Nor do they use shaving cream, even when extolling the virtues of some fancy razor.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only On TV is it totally possible to avoid going to work every day, because you're too busy interfering in other people's business, and not get fired.

[shapeshifter]

Only On TV is it totally possible to avoid going to work every day, because you're too busy interfering in other people's business, and not get fired.

So all these years I've been resenting my boss taking off an extra 1-2 days every week, when she was really a secret agent fighting crime.

[Kromm]

This thread is getting so big I'm not sure if we've talked about "I'm putting my gun down, I just want to talk to you!"

 

So reliable a cliche I think I've seen it on every single cop show, with some of them virtually every single episode (I just saw it on "Unforgettable" this past week, for example, and am sure it's been on that show a good dozen and a half times, minimum).

 

I can't say for sure that this has never happened in a real world standoff, but I bet if it has it's only because some inexperienced cop saw it on TV one too many times.

 

On TV I think it's about 50-50 between the cop actually talking a shooter "down" and it being a trick where they somehow wind up disarming the bad guy.

Edited July 29, 2014 by Kromm

[shapeshifter]

This thread is getting so big I'm not sure if we've talked about "I'm putting my gun down, I just want to talk to you!"

 

So reliable a cliche I think I've seen it on every single cop show, with some of them virtually every single episode (I just saw it on "Unforgettable" this past week, for example, and am sure it's been on that show a good dozen a half times, minimum).

 

I can't say for sure that this has never happened in a real world standoff, but I bet if it has it's only because some inexperienced cop saw it on TV one too many times.

 

On TV I think it's about 50-50 between the cop actually talking a shooter "down" and it being a trick where they somehow wind up disarming the bad guy.

And the corollary to this one is: Only On TV when the cop says "I'm putting my gun down" does the cop never, ever, ever get his/her head blown off by the psycho.

And yet, Always On TV after this happens, the hero cop's boss or significant other yells at him or her for pulling this stupid move.

And Never On TV will the hero cop never point out to the scolding boss that Never On TV will the psycho ever shoot the hero cop who puts down his/her gun to talk.

@Kromm , please don't make be start the episode thread in Unforgettable this week. It's lonely over there.

[ABay]

Only on tv do women not have to prop their leg up on the shower wall in order to shave. Nor do they use shaving cream, even when extolling the virtues of some fancy razor.

Also Only on TV do women stranded in the middle of nowhere for weeks on end have hairless legs and underarms and a perfectly maintained "bikini area".

 

Because I know that, for me, the top priority if stranded on, say Craphole Island, would be to concoct a dipilatory from coconuts and plane parts. Screw water, food, and shelter; one must remain prepubescently hairless at all times.