Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[DittyDotDot]

The White, male lead detective will be divorced, with either 1) a bratty, annoying teenage daughter, or 2) a drug-taking teenage son.  His Black/Hispanic male partner will be happily married with small children. 

 

The female detective (like Benson) or cop (like Vic) will wear tight blouses unbuttoned enough or tops low enough to show cleavage

 

How else are we to know that they are both sexy and badass cops? And aren't all Hispanic cops young and happily married? I thought that all black cops were young, from the ghetto and once belonged to a gang, though--married with children is just bonus points. ;)

[Shannon L.]

Only on tv does every new mother jump straight into bed with her husband as soon as the doctor gives the ok at the 6 week mark. 

[Kel Varnsen]

The White, male lead detective will be divorced, with either 1) a bratty, annoying teenage daughter, or 2) a drug-taking teenage son.  His Black/Hispanic male partner will be happily married with small children. 

 

 

The old grizzled veteran detective is usually a former alcoholic or gambling addict or something. The young hispanic partner will almost always be a super devout catholic.

[Princess Sparkle]

And aren't all Hispanic cops young and happily married?

 

I think Law and Order is the exception that proves the rule, because their two major Hispanic cops (Rey Curtis and Nick Amaro) both ended up divorced pretty quickly.  

[merylinkid]

Rey only separated.   He got back with his wife, the she was diagnosed with MS.   He left the force to care for and she died.   We found out later he went to work for the movie studio that tried to hire him once.     But he was insufferable sanctimonious ass the whole time.   Except in the one with the suburban prostitutes where he told Lennie that he did not need help decorating his new place (while separated) because Lennie knew he knew how to put a room together.   ONLY funny line he ever had.

[electraheartnataly]

The old grizzled veteran detective is usually a former alcoholic or gambling addict or something. The young hispanic partner will almost always be a super devout catholic.

Or the current alcoholic detective who is still Amazing at his job. Wife may have left him e.t.c but the drinking only seems to make him better at his job or doesn't affect the job whatsoever. Cos in real life if a cop was drunk all the time they'd really be The Best Cop Ever though (but just a bit cranky) and wouldn't lose their job.

[topanga]

 

Prepare to have your mind blown. I've observed that people on TV never seem to watch TV. While we idiots spend our evenings on our asses half-watching, I don't know, Everybody Loves Raymond or whatever, all the cool TV people are unwinding by contemplatively strumming their guitars or listening to music, which is inevitably either classical or jazz.

 

 

True. That's one thing I liked about "The Cosby Show." The family watched TV, talked about TV, and even had important scenes that were about TV, e.g. Rudy staying up late and watching "Johnny Carson" for the first time, or the family entire family drifting into the living room and stopping to watch MLK's "I Have a Dream" Speech on TV.

 

Someone might have mentioned this already, but there are still disappearing babies and toddlers on television. And I wouldn't have a problem if one of the characters would mention that the baby/toddler is sleeping or on a play date or at day care. One throwaway line would give me chills of joy. But everyone seems to be fine with young children ceasing to exist except for in a few key scenes in the episode.

[ganesh]

On tv, if you work a lot, you're apartment/house is a total pig sty. Because you don't have even 5 minutes to tidy up or hire a cleaner.

[Kromm]

Prepare to have your mind blown. I've observed that people on TV never seem to watch TV. While we idiots spend our evenings on our asses half-watching,

Interesting. And yet real people's actual TV viewing habits are so different these days anyway, I'm not sure I'd buy the classic "the whole family sitting around the Idiot Box" scenario either.  DVR has changed this.  Viewing on computers has changed this.  People DO watch, but it's kind of on the sly now, and on their own schedule.  Sitting in bed before they go to sleep.  Sitting at their desk goofing off when they should be working.  In stops and starts between other activities.

 

In my experience, the only time whole families sit down to "watch" TV anymore is for stupid reality shows.  And it's pack behavior.  One person flips on "Dancing With The Stars" or some such silliness, and then anyone else around clumps onto the viewing when they wander into the room and notice it on.  

 

Computers as a whole (and the Internet in particular) have of course always been badly misrepresented by TV.  Reality shows are actually probably more real about this than many other things they totally aren't admittedly.  But Smartphones?  Are people on dramas and sitcoms even slightly realistically buried in Tweeting, Snapchatting, Instagramming, and Vining?  Probably not.  They're years behind on even trying to portray that.

[RubyWoo72]

Only on TV do folks leave their front doors unlocked for their wacky sidekicks to enter, unannounced, one right after the other. And only on tv are these sidekicks sometimes surprised to see each other, even though they probably saw each other on the elevator/ stairs/ while parking.

[ganesh]

How hilarious would it be if there was a variety show that did all these only on tv tropes? One week would be Cop Show, then another Office Sitcom, etc.

[kiddo82]

It you're a very smart, borderline genius, person you pretty much know everything about anything, even things outside your given area of study. I understand people with higher IQ's probably have a higher apititude for learning and can have other interests than their area of work/study but on TV these people are human encyclopedias with in depth knowledge of any given topic. Except sports and/or pop culture. TV geniuses have no use for sports and/or current popular culture. Furthermore, if you are a nerd on TV you have a working knowledge of all things considered to be part of nerd culture. You are proficient in video games, know every comic book character ever created, can build a robot, etc.

[merylinkid]

And even though you are only in your late 20s, you have several Ph.D.s    Because it is so easy to do the classwork and write dissertions in multiple diverse subjects in a short period of time.

[kiddo82]

And even though you are only in your late 20s, you have several Ph.D.s Because it is so easy to do the classwork and write dissertions in multiple diverse subjects in a short period of time.

Yes! Another thing about TV geniuses. All experts in their fields are super young. No one takes time to work his way up the ladder over the course of decades. Nope. Every one of them on TV is just genetically gifted and rises to nationally recognized status in just a few years.

Edited July 20, 2014 by kiddo82

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv do all high school students look like perfectly - coiffed, impeccably - dressed, silky - complexioned 27-year-olds.

All of whom hang out by their lockers when they're not throwing paper airplanes in class.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only on TV do people run down the middle of the street when someone is trying to run them down with a car.

[Snowprince]

That's because only people on TV can OUTRUN the car....

[Cobalt Stargazer]

That's because only people on TV can OUTRUN the car....

Not on Criminal Minds, apparently. Not one but two people tried to escape being run down by fleeing directly in front of the truck, and both of them failed. If they had been on another show, they probably would have lived.

[shapeshifter]

Only on TV do armed shooters not shoot the tires of fleeing vehicles, even when no baby carriages or other drivers are nearby, and...

Only on TV do armed shooters successfully shoot the tires of fleeing vehicles. Or is that doable?

Only on TV do people run down the middle of the street when someone is trying to run them down with a car.

That's because only people on TV can OUTRUN the car....

Not on Criminal Minds, apparently. Not one but two people tried to escape being run down by fleeing directly in front of the truck, and both of them failed. If they had been on another show, they probably would have lived.

On no show would they, IDK, go into a store? Climb a tree? Standing behind a tree would be awesome. Edited July 20, 2014 by shapeshifter

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv do the only escape routes for at least one person on foot consist of vendor-populated sidewalks, with the obligatory fruit stand with apple obstacles at the ready.

[Joe]

And of course there's the alley with the chain-link fence.

[RubyWoo72]

^^With the snarling Rottweiler on the other side.

Edited July 20, 2014 by RubyWoo72

[ganesh]

I always don't get why "tv scientists" wouldn't be knowledgeable somewhat about pop culture things. Or like sports, for example. Some of the Korean researchers I worked with loved baseball so that was like an icebreaker for everyone. I did a lecture myself on how the Red Wedding was an example of utilitarianism. 

 

There's also no distinction between 'scientist' and 'engineer' on tv.

[shapeshifter]

I posted:

Only on TV do armed shooters successfully shoot the tires of fleeing vehicles.

Right now on ME (Memorable Entertainment) TV I'm watching the "Feeding Frenzy" episode (S3 e4 Oct. 15, 1976) of RockFord files (starring James Garner, who just passed away at 86), and a little past the half way point he aims at the tire of a vehicle fleeing with his kidnapped ex-finacee and only succeeds in knocking off the hub cap. Kudos for realism. RIP JG.

[Rick Kitchen]

There's also no distinction between 'scientist' and 'engineer' on tv.

 

Sheldon Cooper wants you to be assured that there is a major distinction

[Sandman87]

Only on TV will a pair of detectives close in on a building to arrest a dangerous criminal without calling for backup first. In real life you'd have a small herd of officers and a SWAT team.

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

Only on TV will a lawyer pose an obviously out-of-bounds question to a witness and then immediately say "Withdrawn!" before the judge can even say anything. A lawyer doing that IRL would likely find himself in front of a disciplinary committee.

[Snowprince]

Only on TV do lawyers routinely tramp through the "well" of the courtroom and/or approach witnesses without prior consent of the judge. They also never have witnesses excluded from the courtroom, allowing all witnesses to stay and see/hear everybody else's testimony. 

[ganesh]

Sheldon Cooper wants you to be assured that there is a major distinction.

 

I don't watch that show, but good for them for making the distinction. Of course, on every other show "PhD" is just shorthand for technobabble and move the plot along.

 

Only on tv is a marriage proposal done *massively* in public. Restaurant, party, funeral, anywhere where there are a ton of people to watch. And the man must get on one knee. Suddenly it's olden times. 

The man will always stammer something out along the lines of "I know I'm not worth it" or "I don't deserve you." Because marriage is far from a union of equal partners.

 

Subversively, if you really look at it, it's almost like the man is saying "you're best I'm going to be able to do."

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv does toothpaste never lather up when you're brushing your teeth, especially if you are advertising said toothpaste.

Unless I'm doing it wrong in real life.

[ganesh]

Only on tv do you drop your car keys when you want to hurry up and get in the car if you are in a dark area or parking garage. Because it's unthinkable to get them out beforehand.

[MaryMitch]

Only on TV - When someone is being questioned by the police, it seems like everyone already has a lawyer they can call, and they know the phone number by heart.

 

Only on TV - there's always a parking place right in front of where they're going.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

And if they don't call the lawyer themselves, they tell their secretary/assistant to call them, usually as they're being led away by the cops.

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv is one never repulsed by a partner's morning breath, and therefore able and willing to participate in French kissing without first using any non-frothing toothpaste.

[Bella]

@RubyWoo72 - I'm so glad you brought up the toothpaste thing. I remember being mystified by that when I was a small child and insisting to my mother that I was doing something wrong.

[Ohwell]

Re toothbrushing:  Only on TV does it take little more a nanosecond to brush one's teeth, and to rinse one's mouth out with about one ounce of water.

[Rick Kitchen]

 

Only on tv is a marriage proposal done *massively* in public. Restaurant, party, funeral, anywhere where there are a ton of people to watch. And the man must get on one knee. Suddenly it's olden times.

 

Well, nowadays we have all these massive proposals where 500 people and a full brass band are involved.

[merylinkid]

Tried to post this earlier but I failed miserably.

 

Only on TV do lawyers routinely tramp through the "well" of the courtroom and/or approach witnesses without prior consent of the judge.

Actually I wander all over the well when presenting my case.   It think better when moving and the judges don't mind.   They also get sick of giving permision to approach the witness so we just have free rein.   Of course, I do family law so that may different than other types of law.   

[GreekGeek]

In a sitcom...

 

the trip to the hospital when the wife is in labor is a zany panicky dash.

 

if people seem to forget your birthday, it's only because they're planning a surprise party later.

 

no parent ever is happy with the spouse of his or her son or daughter.

 

all neighbors are wacky. People still know their neighbors.

 

fat unattractive guys with low-paying jobs can have hot wives.  Couples are either fat man/fat woman, fat man/slim woman, or slim man/slim woman.

 

One thing on cop shows that hasn't been mentioned: It's possible to take one glance in your rear view mirror and immediately know the difference between a car that's tailing you and one that just happens to be going the same way.

[Rick Kitchen]

 

fat unattractive guys with low-paying jobs can have hot wives.  Couples are either fat man/fat woman, fat man/slim woman, or slim man/slim woman.

 

One of the greatest couples in the history of Days of Our Lives was Craig and Nancy Wesley, a totally loving couple, played by Patrika Darbo:

 

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3d/Patrika_Darbo.jpg

 

and Kevin Spirtas:

 

http://images.bwwstatic.com/columnpic2/2viewcolumn192.jpg

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv does no one ever need to toss her purse and keys and go pee right after coming home.

[Shannon L.]

 

Only on TV do lawyers routinely tramp through the "well" of the courtroom and/or approach witnesses without prior consent of the judge.

 

Actually I wander all over the well when presenting my case.   It think better when moving and the judges don't mind.   They also get sick of giving permision to approach the witness so we just have free rein.   Of course, I do family law so that may different than other types of law.

But, do you ever end up yelling at the witness while the other lawyer is shouting "objection!" and the judge is pounding on his/her gavel?  ;)

 

I know it's probably rare (or probably never happens), but every time I see it on tv or movies, I wish the trial for which I was a jury member had had one of those moments.  It certainly would've been more exciting. 

 

 

Only on TV - there's always a parking place right in front of where they're going.

 

Unless it's a comedy and the character is in a big hurry for something extremely important, then there's never a spot available.  Never a moment where someone just happens to be pulling out of the space just as you are driving up.

 

 

the trip to the hospital when the wife is in labor is a zany panicky dash.

And the husband remembers everything except his wife. 

[Sandman87]

Only on TV - When someone is being questioned by the police, it seems like everyone already has a lawyer they can call, and they know the phone number by heart.

But they usually don't remember that they have a lawyer until after they've spent several minutes talking with the police in the interrogation room.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

But, do you ever end up yelling at the witness while the other lawyer is shouting "objection!" and the judge is pounding on his/her gavel?  ;)

 

I know it's probably rare (or probably never happens), but every time I see it on tv or movies, I wish the trial for which I was a jury member had had one of those moments.  It certainly would've been more exciting. 

The reason that happens is because Only On TV do lawyers Take!It!Personally! when they're prosecuting or defending a case. They never just do their job and then go home.

[shapeshifter]

Only on tv is a marriage proposal done *massively* in public. Restaurant, party, funeral, anywhere where there are a ton of people to watch. And the man must get on one knee. Suddenly it's olden times.

Heh, "olden times." Love it. Must work into a sentence soon.

Only on tv does no one ever need to toss her purse and keys and go pee right after coming home.

Or take off her bra first thing. Or is that just me?

A friend said her mom used to start pulling off her girdle as soon as the front door was closed, but girdles really are "olden times," aren't they? Hee.

[ganesh]

I've used that couple of times lately. My electricity went out last week and it was like I was living in olden times because it got dark and I couldn't do anything. 

 

Also, try 'dainty.' There's no comeback from that because people can't process it conceptually.

 

No one says good bye on the phone on tv either. 

Edited July 22, 2014 by ganesh

[RubyWoo72]

Heh, "olden times." Love it. Must work into a sentence soon.

Or take off her bra first thing. Or is that just me?

A friend said her mom used to start pulling off her girdle as soon as the front door was closed, but girdles really are "olden times," aren't they? Hee.

Listen: not just take that bra off, but lift and scratch. And I envy the person who doesn't know what I'm talkin bout.

[Kromm]

In the huge "Only On TV" Lawyer callout, did we cover...

Only On TV, can you be a lawyer in a huge city and yet face the same opposing lawyer in every single trial!

A Law & Order caveat... only on TV will you, the lawyer, constantly work with the same cops.

[janie jones]

RubyWoo, you're my new favorite person.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Heh, "olden times." Love it. Must work into a sentence soon.

[soapdish]"Ah, the old days. So long ago that cigarette commercials were done by doctors." [/soapdish]