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The Quotes Topic: "You may call her Bev... or Sea Hag!"

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Here is a place to list all the great Roseanne quotes!  I'll start.

Jackie discussing Bev spending time with Andy:  "It's like radiation, Fred!  It may take 20 years, but that baby is going to pay the price for this exposure."

Roger ran off with the flipped house money:  "We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take one billion years to reach the Earth."

 

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One of my all-time favorites: "Not only are we going to have a grandchild roughly around the age of our own kid, but our daughter is marrying the boy we thought of as our own son. I think that officially makes us THE white trashiest people in ALL the land!"

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DJ asks for his sleeping bag when the parents and Jackie have smoked pot: "it's in that little building out behind the house..." (The shed)

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Computers:  Jackie: "Aren't these things supposed to emit some death rays?"

David: "Not unless you hit control alt death ray"

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Here's a few that I've always liked:

From: "Looking For Loans in All the Wrong Places" (After DJ tells Molly what Darlene said about her):

Darlene:  You're about to become a strange smell in the attic.

*****
From "Good Girls, Bad Girls:"

Darlene:  Oh man, I feel like I'm in the middle of a really bad after-school special.

Darlene (to the guy hitting on her): Stop right there, Ponyboy -- you and the rest of the Outsiders can go rumble someplace else.

*****
From "Toto, We're Not In Kansas Anymore:"

Crystal:  How do you like your marshmallows Roseanne?
Roseanne:  Like my men -- crispy on the outside and stuck on the end of a fork.

Roseanne: That is not funny! You're grounded 'til menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!

*****
From "Goodbye, Mr. Right:"

Jackie Harris:  I want someone who will love me and support me no matter what. Just like Dan does for you.
Roseanne Conner:  Are you insane?! You know how many years I had to put into Dan?! You think he came out of a **box** like that?!

*****
From "Inherit the Wind:"

Darlene:  Well, just as Becky completes the line, 'I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind,'.....*IT* happened.
Roseanne:  What happened?
Darlene:  Becky.....Cut.....the Cheese.

Darlene: Hey mom...what're you working on?
Roseanne:  Invoices. I'm ordering new children.
Darlene:  Yeah?  Well...why don't we trade Becky in for a partially-tattooed, Latin boy of sixteen?

*****
From "Terms of Estrangement:"

Darlene: I am NOT moving to DJ's room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed.

*****
From "Aliens:"

(Dan is reading the note Arnie left for Nancy, in which he says he's been abducted by aliens from outer space)
Dan: Who are the Allen's and why are they out of spice?

Nancy: Did he say anything to you, Dan? Is there another woman?
Dan: No offense Nancy but it's a miracle there's one.

*****
From "Aprils Fool's Day:"

(about the IRS)
Dan: it's a stupid system, run by stupid people, thought up by stupid people, and hired by stupid people.
Roseanne: Who were elected by even stupider people.

Roseanne:  Okay, I give up....what language is this in?
Dan:  Fiduciary Esperanto.

Snooty IRS Supervisor:  If more people would take to time to read these *simple* instructions, they wouldn't have to come down *here* and ask stupid questions, and then.....Maybe these lines wouldn't be so long...... So long! (turns to walk away)
Roseanne:  Hey!  Listen, you pencil-pushing geek!  I didn't come down here stand in line all day to put up with your condescending, snotty little attitude, you know.  I mean, I'm sure it *is* a pain in your butt to answer our unimportant little questions, but that is your *job,* isn't it, and you are paid with *our* tax money.

*****
From "A Stash From The Past:"

Jackie:  Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

Jackie:  Look at me, I got nothin.'  No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family.  It's just me.  Just me and my ganja.

*****
From "Take My Bike, Please:"

(After Dan says the kids will be fine taking care of themselves while he and Roseanne work late)
Roseanne: Are you insane, Dan?! I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone Family!

Roseanne:  Now, here's what I see. Nothing's getting done around here because nobody takes any responsibility for anything, ok? So from now on, Becky, I'm leaving you in charge.
Darlene (making a sour grimace):  I have a problem with that.
Roseanne: Tough.
Darlene: So I'm just supposed to do whatever she says?
Dan: We expect that you will listen to Becky the same way you listen to us.
Becky (making the safe face Darlene did):  Um, now I have a problem.

Roseanne: How could they be so spoiled when we've given them absolutely nothing?

*****

I'll stop now -- I could go on for hours, though, as I've watched the re-runs of Roseanne more times than is probably considered healthy.

Edited by OriginalCyn
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"People have been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and all, we are officially poor white trash. "

Is that the one where she and Dan start doing the White Trash Hoe-Down dance?  That always cracked me up to no end.

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And then she says something like, "Now all we need is some half-wit sitting out on the front porch," right before DJ walks in and says, "hello!"  Hee!!

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And then she says something like, "Now all we need is some half-wit sitting out on the front porch," right before DJ walks in and says, "hello!"  Hee!!

Didn't she end that quote with "sitting out on the front porch eating dirt" or something like that?

 

That was by far one of the funniest scenes of the entire run of the series. 

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Roseanne tries to quit smoking in "Stressed to Kill" and complains to Jackie how their entire generation was encouraged to smoke by nearly every character on TV:

 

Roseanne: It's true, Jackie. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Gomez and Morticia smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, 99, the Chief, Hymie—and he was a robot, but he smoked. Patty smoked.
  
Jackie: But Cathy didn't.

 

Roseanne: I know, but they made her into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry, Millie smoked. I don't know about Samantha, but both Darrins smoked.

Edited by Wordsworth
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Is that the one where she and Dan start doing the White Trash Hoe-Down dance?  That always cracked me up to no end.

Yes, it was so funny. Those 2 episodes -- where we find out that Fisher has been abusing Jackie -- are quite possibly my favorite of the entire series. It addressed a serious issue with the appropriate tone, but there were also some great humorous moments in there too.

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Absolutely.  Darlene bailing her dad out of jail is perhaps my favorite scene in the entire series.  "I'll bet that when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars."

 

Dan: "Darlene, I don't have time for this!"

Darlene: "Oh, I think you do."  

Hee!

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-Roseanne telling Darlene Nancy is gay-

 

Darlene: No way! Did she tell you?
Roseanne: No! We saw the "I'm a big ol' dyke" bumper sticker on her car!
 

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Oh my hell. I have found my Graceland. It's not a quite, but everytime they mentioned the word "audit" on the IRS/Tax day episode, that music played? Killed me. Dun dun Duuuuunnnnn!

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Love this thread!

 

One of my favorites from the episode where DJ started going to church:

 

Darelene: DJ, do you know why we curse so much?

 

DJ: Why?

 

Darlene: SHUT THE HELL UP!

 

The way she just starts eating again just cracks me up.

 

Another Darlene gem:

 

When Becky got busted looking at Dan's Playboys.  Darlene is picking on Becky and Becky hits Darlene:

 

Darlene "OWWW, you sexy thang!"

 

Just hilarious!

 

Edited because I can't type today.

Edited by RalyWilmy
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My favorite lines from DJ's religious phase come when he explains he has been going to church because he had questions about "God and stuff" and Roseanne says he should have come to them, since there is no one better to answer his questions than Roseanne and Dan. 

 

DJ: Okay.  What religion are we?

Roseanne: I have no idea.  Dan?

Dan: Well ... my family is Pentecostal on my mom's side and Baptist on my dad's. Your Mom's mom is Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.

DJ: So what do we believe?

Roseanne: Well, we believe in ... uh ... being good.  So, basically, we're good people.

Dan: Yeah, but we're not practicing

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Love that conversation!  Also love it when Roseanne says "You better tell us the truth, DJ, or God will punish you."  hahahaha.  One of my favorite episodes.

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"To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late, it fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate. To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this, and I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this. To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment, maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement. To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball, but guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall. To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen, too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen. To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel, when I get blindsided my pain is quite real. I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns."

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Possibly Sara Gilbert's greatest acting moment ever. 

 

The way she says, "My mom made me write this" is so perfectly Darlene, and up through solitary confinement it all seems typical sarcasm.  Then the tone shift with guys not watching tomboys - she just handles that brilliantly.

 

Roseanne does a terrific job with the reaction shots, too. 

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Roseanne does a terrific job with the reaction shots, too. 

 

The change in Roseanne's face is a good bit of acting on her part. It goes from this lighthearted moment to something more. One of Sara's best moments on the show. One of my top five favorite scenes on this show. Something I can actually recite off the top of my head.

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Sara Gilbert was always really good as the morose, depressive, melancholy Darlene.

 

Jonesingjay - Darlene reading that poem never fails to make me teary-eyed, no matter how many times I watch it. It's just so sad, yet so realistic as to what a teenager would feel to me, especially a teen from the 90's (i.e. I can personally relate as a teen in the 90's).

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When this show was good, it was awesome.  So many good quotes.  Going back to the one with Molly and the concert it's so simple, but I love when Roseanne kicks Darlene out of the room and she uses Molly's earlier excuse of "I seem to have misplaced my purse here someplace..." 

 

Also from another episode, "We're all fingers over here."

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From the episode where they're discussing names for Crystal's baby

 

"Well my mother was a Ruby, my grandmother was an Amber and I'm a Crystal. So I figure, this needs to stop"

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Sara Gilbert was always really good as the morose, depressive, melancholy Darlene.

 

Jonesingjay - Darlene reading that poem never fails to make me teary-eyed, no matter how many times I watch it. It's just so sad, yet so realistic as to what a teenager would feel to me, especially a teen from the 90's (i.e. I can personally relate as a teen in the 90's).

 

I have to admit that it gets me. Even now. There is just something in the deliver and those feelings of adolescence that are timeless. 

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I love that I stumbled upon this thread!

 

I, too, immensely love the Fisher-abuses-Jackie episodes, and really how Dan's reaction was not to say a word and just grab his coat and go out. Not a quote, but he didn't need words, and we all knew where he was going and what he was going to do. I found John Goodman strangely hot in that scene.

 

Now, my favorite verbal quote was when David wanted to move in with the Conners, & Roseanne went to talk to his mom.

David's mom: "I don't think you need to be judging anyone looking at those two little whores that you raised."

Roseanne: "Oh, I'm in this now. People who live in glass whore houses shouldn't throw stones!"

 

There was more, but that was the best part.

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It's the way she says, "Oh, I'm in this now."

 

And the way she says she changed her mind, and David can come live with them.  When Roseanne connected to the material, her lack of acting training didn't matter -- she nailed it.

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When Becky confesses to Roseanne that she's slept with Mark:

Becky: "Well... we already......"

Roseanne: "Already?"

Becky: "Don't worry, we used something."

Roseanne: "You already used something?"

And then, at the end of that episode, when Roseanne hugs her:

Becky: "Mom, let go."

Roseanne: "In a couple of years...."

Such a sweet episode.

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This show handled teen sex - especially teenage girls having sex - better than just about any I've ever seen.

 

Of course, my favorite line from the episode in which Becky goes on birth control is the perfectly delivered, "Isn't it great, Roseanne?"

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These last posts just reminded me of another good scene:

 

Darlene: Mom wants me to go on birth control because Becky had sex.

 

Dan: I don't think it works that way.

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"I don't believe this, you guys are treating me like I'm Becky. I'm not Becky. I don't go to the mall like Becky, I don't do great laundry like Becky, I don't love school like Becky and I don't sleep with my boyfriend like Becky!"

 

"So what's your point, Becky?"

Edited by Bastet
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Of course, my favorite line from the episode in which Becky goes on birth control is the perfectly delivered, "Isn't it great, Roseanne?"

Oh god Laurie Metcalf's FACE. Hilarious!

 

"Your grandmother and DJ are at your door!" has always cracked me up too. 

 

There are way too many quotes, so many quotes, how I love reading all the quotes! Here's one I love and try to incorporate into my lexicon as often as possible:

 

Roseanne to Fisher: You know, I consider myself a pretty good judge of people, and that's why I don't like none of 'em.

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One of my favorite moments and lines from the show is from the episode where Roseanne tells David he can move in with them, and telling Dan why she changed her mind:

 

"His mother is really messed up. I don't mean messed up like we're messed up, I mean BAD...really, really incredibly bad. I grew up in a house like that."

 

Dan was ready to put his foot down and say no, but then he understood exactly what she meant and let him stay.

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After David's mom tells Roseanne not to butt in and calls Becky and Darlene whores:

 

"Oh, I'm in this now.  You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take this opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones."

 

Roseanne does such a terrific job in that scene.  The shift in her entire demeanor when she hears Mrs. Healy call David a worthless little bastard, and then the way she says, "Okay, I've changed my mind.  David, you can come live with us if you want to." 

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It has been commented on before how striking Roseanne's improvement as an actress was over the course of the series. She totally nailed a ton of scenes, and was particularly adept at handling emotional or "touching" scenes. She was real, raw and never came across as schmaltzy or overacting. I still get choked up at her "Bye, Becky" in the episode where Becky moves to Minneapolis with Mark. And I love, love, LOVE her lecture to Molly after the Daisy Chainsaw concert. "You're right, I'm not your mother, so I don't need to tell you what horrible things can happen to STUPID little girls like you." and "When you leave this house with a Connor kid, you're going to be extra careful. Darlene is one of the few things we own outright." Win win win! I always wished the Tildens, like the Bowmans before them, stuck around longer. I really liked how Roseanne was starting to step in as a surrogate mom for Molly and Charlotte, both of whom were crying out for it in their own ways.

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After the Connor's lose power for falling behind with paying the bill, Jackie comes over after a date. She's going about her business, popping something into the microwave, remarking how the refrigerator is warm, and completely oblivious to the lack of lights or working appliances. The looks everyone give her as she rambles on about a disaster of a date, and wanting to check her voice mail to see if he called is wonderfully capped off by Roseanne when Jackie realizes they have no power. 

 

"Now we know the speed of stupid."

 

Just love bits like that. 

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Sadly, I've been able to use that line on myself.  I rewired my house fairly recently, and when I had the power off to change breaker boxes, I went to the bathroom and flipped the switch by habit.  But then I stood there for a beat wondering why the light didn't come on before remembering.  So I amused myself by saying, "Well, I don't have any lights, but now I know the speed of stupid."

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I love when a confused Jackie rattles off the man-hunting activities in which the two of them have engaged together and Nancy teases her with, "I thought we were dating." 

 

But I think my favorite Nancy-related quote is, "Who are the Allens and why are they out of spice?"

 

Heh.

 

"Aliens from outer space, Dan."  (I love the way she says this.)

 

"Oh, that makes a lot more sense."

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