The Quotes Topic: "You may call her Bev... or Sea Hag!"

[Aja]

I always crack up when Jackie says something about how Nancy doesn't look like a lesbian and Roseanne says something like, "yeah, lesbians are usually truckers in flannel shirts" and Jackie laughs all "haw haw haw, so true" and then slowly realizes she's a trucker in a flannel shirt.

[JakeyJokes]

(after Gay Halloween, the morning after)

Roseanne: Dan, if you're still gay, I would love a mimosa and some eggs Florentine.

[bunnywithanaxe]

DJ: "I haven't said anything in two days. The last thing I said was 'Cheerios.' "

[Bastet]

"You're not a prevert, honey.  You're a pervert."

[MissMel]

Darlene: "Mom's gonna love this."

Becky: "Mom already knows. Who do you think bought me the pills?". Finger snap, "Slammer!"

[ElectraStar]

Darlene: "You didn't tell me I'd be baking with Drunken Hines."

 

Jackie: "Bev..Beverage...Non alcoholic beverage is in there!"

 

Roseanne (to DJ): "I always knew you had some special hidden talent, now you can spell, you can spell!"

Darlene: "That's where the big money is."

[UYI]

"DJ loved it."

 

"DJ eats HAIR!"

[Aja]

"What happened to Jimmy Meltrieger?"

"He dumped her."
"He did not DUMP me."

"Face it, you hit the ground like a safe."

[UYI]

One of my favorite lines is from the Sitcom Moms Welcome Wagon episode, as said by June Lockhart (Timmy's mom on Lassie):

 

"On my show, the dog got all the good lines."

[imjagain]

You all have reminded me of all the great lines this show has.

Becky's Choice.

Has always been one of my favorites. The line that always makes bust up laughing is when. Roseanne is telling Becky it is her business, when Becky is sneaking out to meet a guy (the tongue bandit)Roseanne would consider leaving Dan for. Then cut to Dan. I just die every time. It is the line but also the look on Dan's face that gets me every time.

Edited December 22, 2014 by imjagain

[WhitneyWhit]

With Christmas only a couple days away....

 

Jackie (as Mrs. Claus) Alright! LIsten up! This is the procedure. You step up to the lap, you state your christmas wish, you get your candy cane, your photo, then you exit the lap. Any deviation from this procedure may result in loss of cane. Remember! Possession of cane is a privilege, not a right.

Edited December 22, 2014 by WhitneyWhit

[Bastet]

I love that whole thing, but especially the last part -- to this day, I cannot see someone with a candy cane without hearing, "Possession of cane is a privilege, not a right" in my head.

[Aja]

I love the tag on that episode, when Roseanne is messing around with one of the kid extras while she's dressed up as Santa. She's great with kids and it's fun to see those moments. There were a lot of them during season 1, when Michael Fishman was really little. 

[ElectraStar]

From that same episode, Jackie carrying a kid to the front of the line

Roseanne: That kid was way at the back of the line

Jackie: He gave me a buck

 

Also when Jackie is trying to get a lollipop out of Roseanne's beard and a kid starts messing with the camera. She's yelling at him and walking toward the camera and it takes a picture of her mid yell. "Hey kid get away from the camera!" Click.

 

There is a line from another episode that I was wondering about. When Darlene announces that she is pregnant and getting married (or Roseanne jokingly guesses!) Jackie replies with "I think it's great that Darlene is getting pregnant...getting married cause that's just what I did!" I wonder if LM messed up the line and they just kept it in or if that's the way it was supposed to go. The way she delivered it just seemed odd like she screwed up and had to save the scene.

[VanillaBear85]

Jackie: Give me the bread, Fred.

Dan: Don't hurry back, Jack.

Jackie: Thanks for the cash,.. Stupid.

It doesn't read as that funny, but Laurie's delivery always makes me laugh.

[DXD526]

Jackie: “Mom said if we let a boy go all the way we’d be called loose or slutty or trampy.”

Roseanne: “She shoulda told us we’d be called mommy.”

 

D.J.: “What’s a virgin?”

Darlene: “You in 40 years.”

 

Darlene (to Dan): “Thanks dad, you’re the best. Sorry about those teen years.”

 

Dan (to D.J. playing hockey): “You know son, one more roughing call, you get the hat trick!”

 

Roseanne (after Dan gets a big contracting job): “We’ll be able to pay off the house and the cars, you know what that means? A crappy house and two crappy cars!”

[eskimo]

One of my many favorites is Rosanne to Darlene, when Darlene was in her black phase, and just finished shopping.  Roseanne is looking through her bag. (I don't remember the EXACT phrasing)  "You didn't happen to, uh, accidentally pick up Zorro's bag, did you?"  One of the best.

[MissMel]

"Good to see he isn't talking to you either. I thought he was just snubbing me"

"Was it tequila night down at St. Benedict's?"

" I didn't treat her any different than I always do!" "ok, I'll call her tomorrow and apologize".

[Aja]

"Basically, we believe in being good people." 

"Yeah, but we're not practicing."

 

And my favorite line of the series hands down, to be repeated at least 2-3 times when I watch this on DVD, belongs to the incomparable Laurie Metcalf:

 

I was THINKING that I just lost a great guy like Gary, and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy! I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arms and pelican neck, and all my house plants are dead and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life SUCKS!

Edited February 20, 2015 by Aja

[Bastet]

When Becky comes home from work griping while Dan is reading the paper, from which he never looks up:

 

God, I hate my life!

Tough day, honey?

My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.

Too bad, dear.

And I can't quit because there's never any money around here for anything I want.

Sorry, sweetheart.

And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.

'Night, Rosie.

[ridethemaverick]

From that same episode, Jackie carrying a kid to the front of the line

Roseanne: That kid was way at the back of the line

Jackie: He gave me a buck

Also when Jackie is trying to get a lollipop out of Roseanne's beard and a kid starts messing with the camera. She's yelling at him and walking toward the camera and it takes a picture of her mid yell. "Hey kid get away from the camera!" Click.

There is a line from another episode that I was wondering about. When Darlene announces that she is pregnant and getting married (or Roseanne jokingly guesses!) Jackie replies with "I think it's great that Darlene is getting pregnant...getting married cause that's just what I did!" I wonder if LM messed up the line and they just kept it in or if that's the way it was supposed to go. The way she delivered it just seemed odd like she screwed up and had to save the scene.

That was my favorite Christmas epi for sure but I love the next season one for the line Jackie says when Bev and Roseanne are debating the existence of God and Roseanne says God has to exist because there must be some greater purpose for her shitty life and Jackie, completely annoyed and exhausted with the conversation, says:

"Why are we talking about God and heaven? It's Christmas!"

[kendi]

The one where Roseanne takes a pregnancy test: the timer goes off and DJ hollers he wants to read it and Darlene says,"Jeez DJ, it's not like licking the spoon!" Makes me giggle just thinking about it.

[Aja]

That's a great episode all around!  I love it when DJ asks, "Was Darlene a surprise?" and Dan says, "No, Darlene was a disaster."

[Bastet]

Going through a bunch of old records last night and coming across one by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass, I was reminded of one of the many quotes I love from the episode in which Becky and Dana get drunk.

 

As they're talking about the lame music their parents listen to:  "Have you ever heard of Albert Herbert?  He's from Tijuana."

[UYI]

From the episode where Molly and Darlene go to the Daisy Chainsaw concert:

 

Molly: "Which one do you want?"

Darlene: "The one who will kill you and stuff you in a trunk."

 

And of course:

Darlene: "Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back."

[DXD526]

That concert episode is packed with classic Darlene quotes. Like when Ponyboy offers to share a joint with her and she says she feels like she's "in the middle of a bad after-school special." Or when Molly says she hasn't given up looking for Mr. Right, and Darlene says that it's a good thing, then, that they're in a parking lot full of drunken losers.

 

Just her referring to that guy as "Ponyboy" is pretty hilarious!

[Aja]

The aftermath when they get home...Roseanne comes up to Darlene's room to talk to Molly and says "Darlene, get out of here." and Darlene says "In a minute, I seem to have misplaced my purse...." Best smartassed teenager on a sitcom EVER.

[UYI]

"By the time I found a phone booth I got tired of waiting of the guy in there to finish peeing!"

[Bastet]

When Roseanne checks the salesperson's pulse and tells Dan he's dead, prompting him to tell her to check it again:

 

"I know how to count to zero!"

 

And, in honor of this time of year, when Roseanne tries to comprehend the tax instructions and comes up with:

 

"If line 67 is $500 or more, and more than the total of [something], then your husband must, by law, complete the taxes."

 

I know the IRS makes for an easy target, and not without reason, but I also love the guy at the counter who points out where the instructions clearly state when a 1099 is and is not required (after Roseanne insisted she read the book cover to cover and it wasn't there).  "... but the answer is there in writing.  Sorry there are no pictures."

[ErinW]

I do love the tax episode. "I'm not afraid to tell you my name! It's WAGNER! Mrs. Norris T! Come, Norris!" "Yes, dear."

[BooksRule]

I know I've seen 'Mall story' (where they go to the mall to get Becky a dance dress and for Dan to buy shoes), but I swear I never noticed this line from DJ before (it cracked me up):

 

(as they are getting ready to leave the house)

Roseanne:  'You know the rules.'

Darlene:  'No jumping on the water beds.  No perfume fights.'

DJ: 'No falafel.'

[Cherpumple]

Three of my favorites, which always make me laugh out loud, mainly because of the hilarious delivery by the actors:

 

When Jackie tells Roseanne that she and Gary are engaged, and they are whooping for joy. Roseanne: "Wait, I just thought of something. Jackie Harris... Jackie Hall... You will have THE SAME INITIALS!!!"

 

When the family is getting ready to go bowling and Becky is worried that her parents will embarrass her in front of her crush, Chip. Dan: "Well, WE'RE going to be at the bowling alley... and CHIP's going to be at the bowling alley. [using a redneck accent] We're bound to run into one another!"

 

When Jackie and Fred are having the "what's your number?" conversation at the restaurant.

Jackie: It's not that many. Let's say three a year.

Fred: Since you were, what, 18?

Jackie: ........ ok, we'll go with that.

[Aja]

I don't even KNOW sixty people!

[ErinW]

I didn't KNOW all of them!

[DkNNy79]

Three of my favorites, which always make me laugh out loud, mainly because of the hilarious delivery by the actors:

 

When the family is getting ready to go bowling and Becky is worried that her parents will embarrass her in front of her crush, Chip. Dan: "Well, WE'RE going to be at the bowling alley... and CHIP's going to be at the bowling alley. [using a redneck accent] We're bound to run into one another!"

 

 

OMG Yes.  John Goodman's face when he said that line was hilarious!

[Cherpumple]

I love it anytime Dan went into his redneck/hillbilly character! There was another time, and I don't even know what the scene was about, but he goes into that voice saying, "that's right Rose-a-sharn, we swore a oath!" while scratching his belly. It cracks me up every time!

[Aja]

I love John Goodman's redneck routine too! Another scene that cracks me up is when Jackie says to Roseanne "Can I...alktay...to you in ivate...pray..." and Dan goes into 'idiot' mode and says "Garsh, duuhhh, I wish I could understand what they were saying!"

[SparklesBitch]

 

mainly because of the hilarious delivery by the actors

 

This is where a lot of my favorites come from too. There are two in particular that really aren't that funny on paper, but when you add these actors into the equation, it's awesome.

 

First, in the episode where all the parents at DJ's school are upset by the violent Thanksgiving day play the kids put on, the one mother is arguing that Thanksgiving isn't about violence and that "people came here for the freedom!"

 

Right after that, the way that Anne Marie just kind of pops into the frame and goes "Excuse me?!" just kills me every single time. I love her and that comment is absolutely perfectly timed and her tone and look on her face are hilarious.

 

Second is a scene from the episode with the Mother's Day barbeque when Jackie is on the phone with Bev and says that she's not seeing anyone right now and Bev gives her a hard time and Jackie says, "Well, I know you liked him mom, but you didn't have to sleep with him," and then she just kind of drops the receiver onto her shoulder and makes a face at Roseanne because she can't really believe what she just said to her mother and Roseanne goes "Yes!" really loud because that was awesome. I love the delivery of the whole thing and Roseanne and Laurie's expressions. Perfection.

 

And lastly, I love pretty much everything that came out of Nana Mary's mouth, but my favorite was her meeting Fred for the first time: "You're the guy that finally knocked up Jackie. I hear that you busted right through the condom."

Edited April 23, 2015 by SparklesBitch

[UYI]

Since I brought up "December Bride" in the episodes thread, here's another quote I love, but I don't think its as well remembered. Leon shoots down the suggestion of Roseanne hosting his wedding to Scott, because he doesn't want it to end with a hog fry:

 

Roseanne: "A hog fry? What, is the Governor coming?!"

[BooksRule]

Dan:  'You have more noodles than I do.'

Roseanne:  'I do not.'

Dan: 'Yes you do.  You've given me nothing but chicken water.'

[Bastet]

I hear "You've just given me chicken water" in my head every time I eat chicken noodle soup.

 

Dan's illness provided so many terrific lines in that episode.  "Even Elvis got to die in his own bathroom."  And Roseanne concluding the chicken water conversation with, "Stay sick, Dan, because as soon as you're well, I'm going to kill you."

 

I love Dan hollering from the bathroom, Roseanne telling Darlene to go see what he wants, and Darlene, instead of moving, yelling, "Dad, what do you want?"  And then when she does go check, comes back to get him more soup, and says she should just save him the trouble and pour it directly down the toilet.

 

I also like when Roseanne is in the kitchen muttering about Dan being 37 years old and turning into a big baby because he gets a little flu.  Dan asks from the living room what she said, and instead of saying, "Never mind" or similar, she raises her voice and repeats, "I said, 'He's thirty-seven years old, he gets a little flu, and he acts like a total baby!'"  And Dan replies, "Oh, okay."
 

[BooksRule]

The flu episode was also where Dan came stumbling into the kitchen saying 'I've got bad things coming out of every part of my body.'  Funny!

[Bastet]

And when he's coughing up a lung at the kitchen table while Jackie is trying to learn her lines at the last minute, and catches his breath long enough to say, “Oh, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine” since they're both ignoring him.

 

I also love his “Roseanne, he’s my son, I’ve gotta go” when she tells him he’s too sick to take DJ to his Woodchuck thing, followed by an immediate, “Okay” when she says she’ll do it.

[Angeltoes]

Jackie chaperones the girls' teenage party where two boys get into a fistfight over Darlene. Becky and Darlene stand to the side looking stunned that anyone would be fighting over Darlene. Jackie breaks up the fight, shoos everybody out, waves her finger in Darlene's face and says,"And as for you, Darlene...(awed voice)..excellent!"

[Aja]

Jackie chaperones the girls' teenage party where two boys get into a fistfight over Darlene. Becky and Darlene stand to the side looking stunned that anyone would be fighting over Darlene. Jackie breaks up the fight, shoos everybody out, waves her finger in Darlene's face and says,"And as for you, Darlene...(awed voice)..excellent!"

Oh that whole episode is awesome. "Yep, still got it!" 

[autumnh]

I love the earlier seasons...and they never get old.

[peacheslatour]

One of my favs is from when Jackie was in a community theater production of Cyrano and the woman she was understudying for was sick so Jackie had to go on.

 

Stage Manager: Well,  you're no Shirley Fisk.

Jackie: Who is?

Stage Manger (deadpan): Not you.

[BooksRule]

(From one of the Thanksgiving episodes):

Roseanne (angrily): 'And what about my biscuits? So light and airy, the way they just fly across the room!' (tosses biscuit like a Frisbee)

 

('Why Jackie becomes a trucker'):

Jackie: 'For God's sake! People rob liquor stores all the time! I slept with Arnie!'

[jonesingjay]

(From one of the Thanksgiving episodes):

Roseanne (angrily): 'And what about my biscuits? So light and airy, the way they just fly across the room!' (tosses biscuit like a Frisbee)

 

That's from an episode where Bev comes to visit. Becky has a date and is allowed to go out. While Darlene has to remain at home. Bev treats her granddaughters differently. Roseanne realizes that her mom also treats/sees her and Jackie differently from one another. Believing that Jackie had the talents to go go far in life, while Roseanne was meant to be nothing more than a wife and mother. Which results in the hilarious tossing of the biscuit across the dinner table. 

[Cherpumple]

('Why Jackie becomes a trucker'):

Jackie: 'For God's sake! People rob liquor stores all the time! I slept with Arnie!'

Oh my god, I love that scene- everyone's reactions are priceless. It's hilarious the way they all are so disgusted and then rally around Roseanne with sympathy a second later when she realizes that everyone in town will know her as the SISTER of the woman who slept with Arnie.