Long Lost Family - General Discussion

[Enigma X]

DNA kits have added to the fun for me and all the 14 people I have tested. Yes, there were some surprises. More good outcomes than bad for us. Some of the discoveries included close family. 

[stormy]

There was an episode a couple of years ago where a man had done a DNA test for fun. LLF had the woman, who was the subject of the episode, take a DNA test.

They didn't find her mother (I think she had died) but they found her father who was shocked he had a daughter. Didn't she show up on the test he took for fun? Or did he not bother to look at the results?

It's kinda maddening that details are sketchy. OK we shouldn't know all the details of these people's lives but if you sign on to be on the show then the relevant information should be part of it.

[bybrandy]

On 11/28/2018 at 3:17 PM, Enigma X said:

DNA kits have added to the fun for me and all the 14 people I have tested. Yes, there were some surprises. More good outcomes than bad for us. Some of the discoveries included close family. 

Yup, My DNA was sadly exactly as my parents told me it would be but I've had so much fun connecting the dots.  And the whole reason I did DNA in the first place because I know there were some family members placed for adoption and if they are looking I want to be a light for them.  Big DNA fan here.   But I do have a cousin, who totally did DNA because I talked it up who got an awkward surprise.  He's gotten other people tested since then, though.  So I think in the end he came to terms with what he learned. 

 

On 11/28/2018 at 2:56 PM, Horrified said:

On the flip side, he now knows about me and has never contacted me.  Why haven't we contacted each other? 

Or it is the ancestry contact me method and even if one of you contacted the other might never get the message.  *shrugs*    

[Jadzia]

There was a new episode last night. Did anyone watch? That was the first time I can recall an adoptee initially saying they did not want to meet but then changing their mind. I'm sure that has happened before, but they haven't really shown much of the behind the scenes discussions that likely happen before the the cameras roll. When the mother and daughter met, it was certainly awkward. I also felt that she was instructed by the producers to write her letter to the daughter in a certain way - it seemed way more about acknowledging her adoptive family than most letters on this show.

I really felt for the other mom who gave up her daughters but they ended up being abused by their adoptive father. When she broke down on learning that, I teared up. I can't imagine the pain and guilt she must feel about that. She thought she was protecting them by getting them away from their own abusive biological father. Such a sad story.

I noticed this show had yet another staged "important call comes in while one of the hosts is out driving somewhere". Do the camera people just follow them around all the time whenever they drive somewhere, LOL.

[stormy]

I immediately liked Summer and Krys. Debra seemed liked a sweet lady with a tortured soul and knowing her girls grew up to be beautiful women despite their shaky past, made for a good story.

I liked Pam and adoptive mom Deanne. Both seem like nice ladies. Jennie. Meh.

There was an early episode where a woman was looking for her birth mom and her own daughter she had put up for adoption. They found both however the daughter didn't want to meet the birth mom.

It was sad but Chris said she's young so maybe one day she'll change her mind.

Quote

On 12/18/2018 at 12:12 PM, Jadzia said:

There was a new episode last night. Did anyone watch? That was the first time I can recall an adoptee initially saying they did not want to meet but then changing their mind. I'm sure that has happened before, but they haven't really shown much of the behind the scenes discussions that likely happen before the the cameras roll. When the mother and daughter met, it was certainly awkward. I also felt that she was instructed by the producers to write her letter to the daughter in a certain way - it seemed way more about acknowledging her adoptive family than most letters on this show.

I really felt for the other mom who gave up her daughters but they ended up being abused by their adoptive father. When she broke down on learning that, I teared up. I can't imagine the pain and guilt she must feel about that. She thought she was protecting them by getting them away from their own abusive biological father. Such a sad story.

I noticed this show had yet another staged "important call comes in while one of the hosts is out driving somewhere". Do the camera people just follow them around all the time whenever they drive somewhere, LOL.

 

[Yeah No]

This was another episode that lead us down the garden path to a 1 or 2 minute reunion, then nothing.  It's getting to the point that we barely get any payoff for all the setup they give us.  I'm left wondering how the hesitant daughter felt afterward.  Did they keep up a relationship?  They don't even give us the text at the end anymore to give us a little bit of an update.  I almost feel like "What's the point"?

[Enigma X]

10 hours ago, Yeah No said:

This was another episode that lead us down the garden path to a 1 or 2 minute reunion, then nothing.  It's getting to the point that we barely get any payoff for all the setup they give us.  I'm left wondering how the hesitant daughter felt afterward.  Did they keep up a relationship?  They don't even give us the text at the end anymore to give us a little bit of an update.  I almost feel like "What's the point"?

Yeah. In the past and on the British series, you get an update. I bet they are going to milk the "afterward" updates for a reunion show.

[Yeah No]

On 12/20/2018 at 11:47 AM, Enigma X said:

Yeah. In the past and on the British series, you get an update. I bet they are going to milk the "afterward" updates for a reunion show.

They used to do a follow-up show but in the past couple of seasons they haven't done that either, so this is all we get now, unless they put something up on their website.  I think they put a few short clips up last year for a handful of episodes, none of which answered any of the loose ends they left wide open, and nothing new has been updated since Feb. of 2017.

[chouston]

On 12/21/2018 at 2:05 PM, Yeah No said:

They used to do a follow-up show but in the past couple of seasons they haven't done that either, so this is all we get now, unless they put something up on their website.  I think they put a few short clips up last year for a handful of episodes, none of which answered any of the loose ends they left wide open, and nothing new has been updated since Feb. of 2017.

You can download the TLC Go app and watch "Long Lost Family Where Are They Now?" episodes.

[Yeah No]

9 hours ago, chouston said:

You can download the TLC Go app and watch "Long Lost Family Where Are They Now?" episodes.

It's called "Long Lost Family What Happened Next" and there were only a few episodes following up Season 2.  We're now in Season 5 and nothing like that has been done since.

[deirdra]

On ‎2018‎-‎12‎-‎09 at 8:20 PM, bybrandy said:

Or it is the ancestry contact me method and even if one of you contacted the other might never get the message.  *shrugs*    

You have to go to the ancestry website to send messages and check messages.  Some people may check their results when their DNA results come back and not realize that things could change as more DNA is submitted. Or they forgot their username & password.  When my DNA came in I saw there was someone, a first cousin or closer, and sent a message (simply asking if any of my surnames matched her relatives) and never got a reply until she checked online 18 months later.  I had ruled out one side of the family because she wasn't a DNA match for any of my known first cousins on that side. At 78 my new-found aunt learned that her mother was her mother, but her father was not her father (my grandfather was and she had known him as a family friend who she liked more than her own parents).  Anyone who could have known anything is dead, so we can only guess about who knew what and took it to their graves.  Though neither of us knew we had LLF, we were fans of the show from the beginning.  We had just submitted DNA to see if we could get further back in our genealogy.

Edited January 5, 2019 by deirdra

[jenifaohjenny]

I decided to catch up on this show instead of cleaning my house and doing everything I should be doing. The only thing that makes this hard to watch is how some of the adoptees talk about their adoptive parents. I would be devastated if I heard some of it from my child. I understand that we are only seeing edited segments and it’s a complex issue...but I wish more respect was given at times. Some of the adoptive families do seem to have not treated the kids welll. For those that seemed to have a good childhood, some come off ungrateful. It’s a weird dynamic and I probably don’t get it because I’m not adopted. I’m thinking specifically of the Robin/Marcella episode that rubbed me the wrong way. 

[tres bien]

I watched Friday's episode.

Both of the stories,  Kathy and Kim and Norma and Eric were feel good.  It would have been nice if the twins' birth mother wanted to meet them but I guess that's not uncommon. Kudos to their birth dad and his wife.

Edited October 27, 2019 by tres bien

[Pepper Mostly]

I have to confess my cold black cynical heart grew three sizes when Eric and the rest of the family met. I just loved that Pedro and Norma stayed together for all those years and had more kids, despite the odds. Pedro looked like a genial, warm hearted guy--what a smile! I was so happy for them all. They seemed like a nice family. 

[QueBueno]

Welcome back, LLF!  This was a touching episode.  I live in the same city as Norma and I am about the same age and know people like that family.  I also have a cold black heart that was temporarily melted by both stories.  Couldn’t figure out where the onions were.

[Angeltoes]

I'm still not sure that guy is the twins' dad.  I hope they DNA tested to be sure.

[readheaded]

On 12/22/2018 at 11:19 PM, Yeah No said:

It's called "Long Lost Family What Happened Next" and there were only a few episodes following up Season 2.  We're now in Season 5 and nothing like that has been done since.

I bet some of the initial success stories don't end up going well.  Understandably, there are so many pent-up expectations and emotions, the reality may end up being disappointing.  

[Yeah No]

OMG, I went through half a box of tissues on Eric's segment.  I don't know why that one touched me so much.  The twins' segment couldn't compare.  I too felt like they should confirm with DNA that that man is their father.

7 hours ago, readheaded said:

I bet some of the initial success stories don't end up going well.  Understandably, there are so many pent-up expectations and emotions, the reality may end up being disappointing.  

Yeah, I have a feeling they may have had too many subsequent complications and disappointments to continue the "what happened next" shows.  I got a "reminder" email from one of those TV show premiere date sites that the "what happened next" series was renewed, and it even gave an air date, but it didn't ever come back despite that.  This year they did a special short series with Lisa and Chris about some doctor that was selling babies and all the children trying to find out more about their real families.  For some reason that didn't interest me at all so I didn't watch it.

[tres bien]

8 hours ago, Yeah No said:

OMG, I went through half a box of tissues on Eric's segment.  I don't know why that one touched me so much.  The twins' segment couldn't compare.  I too felt like they should confirm with DNA that that man is their father.

Yeah, I have a feeling they may have had too many subsequent complications and disappointments to continue the "what happened next" shows.  I got a "reminder" email from one of those TV show premiere date sites that the "what happened next" series was renewed, and it even gave an air date, but it didn't ever come back despite that.  This year they did a special short series with Lisa and Chris about some doctor that was selling babies and all the children trying to find out more about their real families.  For some reason that didn't interest me at all so I didn't watch it.

That show is called Taken at Birth.  It has it's own board.

I watched it and was underwhelmed.  There were too many unanswered questions for me really care about the outcome. 

[Evagirl]

12 hours ago, Yeah No said:

OMG, I went through half a box of tissues on Eric's segment.  I don't know why that one touched me so much.

I was very moved as well.  The first thing that struck me was how much he looked like his dad.  The second thing was he could be twins with the brother who wore the hat.  They looked so much alike.  Norma was a basket case - in a good way.  Eric's emotions hit me hard. I thought at first he was going to just get through it, but once he found out how much his birth mother loved him, he couldn't hide his feelings in longer.  Great, great episode.  I would love to hear how they made out after a year or so.

[Beeyago]

Apparently the twins have made contact with their bio mother, according to a poster on facebook who says she is related to their father.  

[tres bien]

I was so inspired by Meg. So young to have to face such a huge life threatening health  issue. Bravo to her for her fortitude. She and mom were cute. 

Man. Poor Howard. What a crummy way to spend your teen years. But he seems like a nice guy and I'm happy he found his mom.

[Yeah No]

8 hours ago, tres bien said:

Man. Poor Howard. What a crummy way to spend your teen years. But he seems like a nice guy and I'm happy he found his mom.

Me too.  We know his birth mom didn't know who Fenichel was or what he was doing, but I wonder if his adoptive parents did.  He'll likely never know, and that's probably for the best.

I thought both sets of children/birth moms in this episode really needed to meet each other.

[bybrandy]

On 11/2/2019 at 12:56 PM, tres bien said:

I was so inspired by Meg. So young to have to face such a huge life threatening health  issue. Bravo to her for her fortitude. She and mom were cute. 

Man. Poor Howard. What a crummy way to spend your teen years. But he seems like a nice guy and I'm happy he found his mom.

There was one in the UK where the birth dad and almost all of the men in his family had a heart condition.  He and the birth mom teamed up to find the kid, they had married and had more children but were since divorced.   They didn't mention the  medical issue on the first episode but mentioned it being the key factor in pushing their search onto the show in their What Happened Next episode.  They told their son when he was found, they took him to the hopital to be tested and the hospital didn't let him leave before getting bypass surgery.   

Edited November 4, 2019 by bybrandy

[iMonrey]

Quote

Man. Poor Howard. What a crummy way to spend your teen years. But he seems like a nice guy and I'm happy he found his mom.

I wonder how likely it is that Howard's adoptive parents didn't know their adoption attorney was crooked. Maybe their attorney worked with that attorney or something. 

I was also struck by something that was said when he finally met his birth mom, along the  lines of "I wouldn't be here today." Uh, if she hadn't given him up for adoption he might not have been hit by a truck and had his whole body broken. So actually he might have been a lot better off. That's got to occur to him at some point.

[Yeah No]

12 hours ago, iMonrey said:

I wonder how likely it is that Howard's adoptive parents didn't know their adoption attorney was crooked. Maybe their attorney worked with that attorney or something. 

I was also struck by something that was said when he finally met his birth mom, along the  lines of "I wouldn't be here today." Uh, if she hadn't given him up for adoption he might not have been hit by a truck and had his whole body broken. So actually he might have been a lot better off. That's got to occur to him at some point.

I wondered the same thing about the adoption attorney.  I also thought the same thing about the accident, but then realized it's not something that I could directly see as her responsibility.  It's one of those random things that could have happened to anyone at any time.  Now if he had been adopted by an abusive family and one day got so upset after interacting with them that he went out riding recklessly and got hurt, maybe I could see that point.

[Jadzia]

I wondered why the birth index had the sister's name listed. Did she use her sister's name when she gave birth at the hospital?

Howard's birth mom spoke highly of his father. I wonder if they will try and find him.

I liked Meg and thought she reminded me of a famous person but I could not think who. Her mother also looked familiar.

I wondered when she started looking for her birth mom if she if she ever worried that her mom might have died young from breast cancer since it is often genetic.

[Angeltoes]

Howard's mother needed to take it down a notch (and I say this as a birthmother myself).  She immediately started yapping all about her and how this affected her, etc.  The first meeting should have been about him and she should have been asking a million questions about his life.  If he directly asked her something about herself that would be okay but don't bombard him with all that.

Also, I read some speculation elsewhere that she wasn't really his mother, that her dead sister really was (as Lisa originally thought) but she seized the moment to get in on the action and get some attention by pretending she was the one that gave birth.  I hope Long Lost does DNA in these cases to be sure.

[bybrandy]

15 hours ago, Angeltoes said:

Howard's mother needed to take it down a notch (and I say this as a birthmother myself).  She immediately started yapping all about her and how this affected her, etc.  The first meeting should have been about him and she should have been asking a million questions about his life.  If he directly asked her something about herself that would be okay but don't bombard him with all that.

Also, I read some speculation elsewhere that she wasn't really his mother, that her dead sister really was (as Lisa originally thought) but she seized the moment to get in on the action and get some attention by pretending she was the one that gave birth.  I hope Long Lost does DNA in these cases to be sure.

Fake names are pretty common and Ancestry is a sponser of LLF so I'm pretty sure as a matter of course everybody is given a DNA test (I suppose they could refuse) but it opens up the potential of them finding paternal lines which often isn't possible in other ways.  I'd be suprrised if they didn't confirm his birth mother's DNA, but I guess it is possible that they don't... 

[iMonrey]

Only one subject for the whole hour, that was disappointing. Vera's story was of course sad but not compelling enough to merit an entire episode devoted to it, especially since her mother had passed away and they were unable to find her brother. At least she got a little bit of closure finding her sister and father, but I'm worried they're running out of stories.

[tres bien]

Vera's story was sad.

I don't know how I feel about sister and dad but I think it was more important for Vera to get some closure with what happened to her.

And I love her. She came across as a sweet lady.

[Yeah No]

On 11/9/2019 at 11:59 AM, iMonrey said:

Only one subject for the whole hour, that was disappointing. Vera's story was of course sad but not compelling enough to merit an entire episode devoted to it, especially since her mother had passed away and they were unable to find her brother. At least she got a little bit of closure finding her sister and father, but I'm worried they're running out of stories.

I agree with you, although the next two episodes go back to the 2 story format.  I happened to notice that next week's episode was already uploaded on Comcast's "On Demand" so I watched it and it's a pretty good episode, which I will want to talk about next week after it airs for everyone else.

[RoxiP]

On ‎11‎/‎9‎/‎2019 at 10:59 AM, iMonrey said:

Only one subject for the whole hour, that was disappointing. Vera's story was of course sad but not compelling enough to merit an entire episode devoted to it, especially since her mother had passed away and they were unable to find her brother. At least she got a little bit of closure finding her sister and father, but I'm worried they're running out of stories.

I thought that was overkill also.  She was such a sweet woman but I wondered why they felt it necessary to spend the whole show on her alone (which they have done in the past).  

I can't imagine they are running out of stories.

[iMonrey]

Quote

I happened to notice that next week's episode was already uploaded on Comcast's "On Demand" so I watched it and it's a pretty good episode, which I will want to talk about next week after it airs for everyone else.

It's available on TLC's streaming app too. I don't know what the rules are, I think the advent of streaming makes spoiler policy difficult, but I'll put this in spoilers just in case.

Spoiler

Lea's dad was kind of a dick. I know he was only 19 but I'm only willing to forgive so much. His girlfriend told him she was pregnant and he just left and never looked back. I understand it wasn't his decision to leave, and that he wasn't ready to marry but he's always known he might have a child somewhere out there and never made any attempt to find out about it. Apparently wrote the girlfriend off the minute he left.

Edited November 11, 2019 by iMonrey

[bybrandy]

UK has done some 1 person shows, as well, and one or two of them I thought weren't worth it but usually it is when the story is big or they connect with multiple sides of the family, one I remember mixed woman in her 50s was looking for her birth mom.  White mother is found living in Canada with new husband other kids but is delighted to be found... and now that she has been found she really wants to know what happened to the daughter she placed for adoption before the one who is looking for her now.  So they find that daughter just a year older and also mixed.  Both sisters have dads who were visiting from Jamaica and both birth fathers returned to Jamaica before the birth.    The sisters meet each other and then meet up with birth mom.  Then they get a DNA match from the sister that was originally looking from a brother on her father's side.  Her father has since passed but he's got lots and lots of kids and as soon as she can make it to Jamaica he'll introduce her to everybody.    Brother and sister have been living a few miles apart for decades.   It would have been a lot for another story.   But this one I didn't think was quite so much.

[Yeah No]

On 11/11/2019 at 5:24 PM, iMonrey said:

It's available on TLC's streaming app too. I don't know what the rules are, I think the advent of streaming makes spoiler policy difficult, but I'll put this in spoilers just in case.

  Reveal spoiler

Lea's dad was kind of a dick. I know he was only 19 but I'm only willing to forgive so much. His girlfriend told him she was pregnant and he just left and never looked back. I understand it wasn't his decision to leave, and that he wasn't ready to marry but he's always known he might have a child somewhere out there and never made any attempt to find out about it. Apparently wrote the girlfriend off the minute he left.

Thank you, that was my feeling about him as well.  I had another theory which I will put under a spoiler banner:

Spoiler

I agree that he was likely a dick, but I also wonder if he was hiding something about her.  He said he wasn't sure he was the father of the child, which made me think that perhaps she might have been his favorite prostitute rather than his girlfriend.  That would also account for the slightly sheepish, guilty aura he had about him.

[iMonrey]

Quote

I agree that he was likely a dick, but I also wonder if he was hiding something about her.  He said he wasn't sure he was the father of the child, which made me think that perhaps she might have been his favorite prostitute rather than his girlfriend.  That would also account for the slightly sheepish, guilty aura he had about him.

Possibly. From what I can gather there were plenty of girls who wanted to marry an American GI so they could move to America - he pointed out that was the only way they could leave, and that some GIs did marry their "girlfriends." So I figure he told some of his buddies that she said she was pregnant and maybe they told him she was just trying to trap him, it might be a lie, or it might not even be his. 

Still, I think the fact that he never looked back makes him kind of a dick.

(No need to spoiler tag now!)

[tres bien]

I think Lea was very fortunate to have been able to meet her dad. She'll possibly be able to learn her mother's name and he told her the name of the town where he met her. It's highly unlikely she'll ever be able to meet her but she could go to Korea, to the town where her mother lived and get a sense of her heritage if she wanted to. 

It liked that her adopted parents were able to adopt a child that looked like them.

[pasdetrois]

Is there anything that the show's hosts do that people with an Ancestry subscription cannot do on their own? The hosts appear to be going through the motions for the camera. (Chris and Lisa are actors.) This show is an extended Ancestry commercial.

Another complaint I have is that the show glosses over the thousands of birth parents and adoptees who do NOT want to be found or in touch. It's a very high percentage.

Because the production company advertises to find its subjects, they are screening in people who want to be found. They may be handling initial contact with the birth parents off-camera, then recording the follow-through. In fact, I wonder if they approach the birth parents first, to see if they will participate, then launch full production.

They give the impression that it's fairly easy to effect a reunion, not to mention what happens afterward when the initial excitement has gone. Often one of the parties refuses an ongoing relationship.

I assume they are paying the participants an appearance fee, just like other reality TV shows do.

[iMonrey]

Quote

Is there anything that the show's hosts do that people with an Ancestry subscription cannot do on their own? The hosts appear to be going through the motions for the camera.

I do get a sense that if you've watched the show long enough, you could do the same work Chris and Lisa do, simply by searching Ancestry and birth records, then making a lot of phone calls. It makes me wonder why the people they're doing searches for were unable to find any info by themselves.

Quote

Another complaint I have is that the show glosses over the thousands of birth parents and adoptees who do NOT want to be found or in touch. It's a very high percentage.

They did feature a woman looking for both her birth mother, and a daughter she gave up for adoption. The daughter wrote back in a text that she wasn't interested in meeting her. 

Yes I think they do the preliminary work before picking a person to make sure they can find whoever it is they're looking for, otherwise there's no point. There are probably plenty of applicants who they turn up no info for, or people who choose not to participate so they get passed over.

I wish they'd do an episode about Chris and Lisa's stories. They always reference the fact that they were both adopted and managed to find their birth mothers.  Tell us about that experience.

[readheaded]

2 hours ago, iMonrey said:

I do get a sense that if you've watched the show long enough, you could do the same work Chris and Lisa do, simply by searching Ancestry and birth records, then making a lot of phone calls. It makes me wonder why the people they're doing searches for were unable to find any info by themselves.

They did feature a woman looking for both her birth mother, and a daughter she gave up for adoption. The daughter wrote back in a text that she wasn't interested in meeting her. 

Yes I think they do the preliminary work before picking a person to make sure they can find whoever it is they're looking for, otherwise there's no point. There are probably plenty of applicants who they turn up no info for, or people who choose not to participate so they get passed over.

I wish they'd do an episode about Chris and Lisa's stories. They always reference the fact that they were both adopted and managed to find their birth mothers.  Tell us about that experience.

Yes, I don't think that what the show does in terms of finding people is rocket science, but it is probably time consuming and is probably gets easier with experience.  So, the show's offering to put in the time and use the experience of people who regularly do that sort of thing, not to mention the travel expenses that can come into play.  I can imagine that it would be overwhelming for some people to try to find a birth parent or child on their own.

Chris and Lisa haven't had their stories featured on the show, but they've discussed them elsewhere:

Edited November 17, 2019 by readheaded

[tres bien]

Thanks for posting the interviews. Chris makes mention of his own adoption and finding his birth mother on a fairly regular basis during the shows.

I've never heard Lisa talk openly about her background only just occassional vague references. 

[Angeltoes]

2 hours ago, iMonrey said:

They did feature a woman looking for both her birth mother, and a daughter she gave up for adoption. The daughter wrote back in a text that she wasn't interested in meeting her. 

I always had my doubts that the daughter was the one that wrote the text.  The wording that was used gave me a suspicion that it was the adoptive mother who wrote it (possibly never telling the daughter about any of it) and was trying to put a stop to anything happening because of jealousy.

[Galloway Cave]

The one aspect of the search that is time-consuming and at times difficult is when CeCe or Jen have to go back multiple generations to find the common ancestor, then work forward to possible birth parents. It's like solving a math problem. If you don't have subscriptions to various other sites (newspapers or Fold3), that can also slow down the search. Right now I am hung up on tree because I haven't cracked open my wallet for access to international records. 

[bybrandy]

Yes, when Jen says, "we've narrowed down her gradparents to these people? that feels all magical and easy and very occasionaly it is but usually it is a HUGE amount of work  going back and forwards on multiple peoples lines and usually expending on their research.  It is not nearly as "bing, bang boom" as Jen makes it seem.  Not that Jen would tell you it is.   

[Yeah No]

On 11/17/2019 at 10:24 AM, pasdetrois said:

Is there anything that the show's hosts do that people with an Ancestry subscription cannot do on their own? The hosts appear to be going through the motions for the camera. (Chris and Lisa are actors.) This show is an extended Ancestry commercial.

Most of the ways they've found people for this show have been possible with just a little online sleuthing.  However, I don't think a lot of the people featured on the show would be good at that kind of thing.  I think it's easy but that's me.  Most people I know think my research into my own family genealogy has been nothing short of amazing, and not to toot my own horn but it actually is amazing.  I connected dots that most people wouldn't know to connect and researched names for hours in combination with town names, even occupation and business names.  But I'm exceptionally good at that sort of thing when I want to be.  I realize most people aren't.

On 11/17/2019 at 10:24 AM, pasdetrois said:

Another complaint I have is that the show glosses over the thousands of birth parents and adoptees who do NOT want to be found or in touch. It's a very high percentage.

Is it a very high percentage?  Where did you hear that?  I figure they don't want to air anything about the people that don't want to be found to protect their identity and that of the person looking for them.   Plus I think they also don't think it makes good TV.

On 11/17/2019 at 10:24 AM, pasdetrois said:

Because the production company advertises to find its subjects, they are screening in people who want to be found. They may be handling initial contact with the birth parents off-camera, then recording the follow-through. In fact, I wonder if they approach the birth parents first, to see if they will participate, then launch full production.

I've wondered that myself.  It's like how on "House Hunters" the couple has already purchased one of the houses and they create the "choice" by showing them two other properties after the fact and they play along.

On 11/17/2019 at 10:24 AM, pasdetrois said:

They give the impression that it's fairly easy to effect a reunion, not to mention what happens afterward when the initial excitement has gone. Often one of the parties refuses an ongoing relationship.

They have changed a lot about the show since it started.  They used to briefly say something about how the relationship is going, plus they had a season or 2 of a "follow up" to certain reunions to see how the people were with each other after some time had passed.  In a few of the segments you got the feeling that there were some serious issues and that all was not as rosy as it was in the beginning.  I think they stopped producing that show and now don't even say anything about the rest of the person's family or how they and their newly found family member are getting along.

[pasdetrois]

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Is it a very high percentage?  Where did you hear that? 

I have a very close relationship with someone who is a birth mother. She has been involved in modernizing the adoption triad dynamics for 20 years. She has complained about this show from its beginning. I watched with her the other night.

As background for my original post, there is a nationwide network of people like her who have worked to convince state legislatures to open the adoption records, or at least create registries where the birth parent and child can agree to be contacted by each other.

In addition, there are volunteer researchers, usually people who have been through the experience. This all started long before DNA accessibility and ancestry. These researchers would comb through whatever records were available, often driving hours to do research at county courthouses. There were even companies that got access to records via unscrupulous methods and they charged a fee for access to that information. Now it's much easier if the records have been opened and/or when people have uploaded their DNA to a site like Ancestry.

My friend has gone to support groups for decades. It is there that she hears the stories of people who tried to reach out to birth parents or children and were rejected. Also, there are message boards/online groups where people post information, sharing stories or asking for research help and emotional support. A lot of those situations are rejections, especially from older birth parents who were steeped in religious and social stigmas about premarital sex. Many older people didn't tell their spouses and children and are terrified at being discovered. Finally, my friend was interviewed by someone doing a thesus about the adoption triad and reunions and she saw the data.

With the onset of open adoptions there have been some changes, obviously, but those relationships are very complicated and often do not endure (trouble between adoptive and birth parents).

A lot of people have high expectations, or even demands, that cannot be realistically be filled and the reunion relationships crumble. In my friend's case, her child was eager for reunion, then began making demands for travel and money and proved to be quite unstable emotionally.

And there are a surprising number of adoptees who do not want a reunion. It's usually because they don't want to hurt their adoptive parents' feelings, or because they are angry at being "rejected" by their birth parents. Sometimes they wait until their adoptive parents are deceased.

Edited November 19, 2019 by pasdetrois

[bybrandy]

I don't know what the numbers are anymore but in one of the early seasons they did an interview about this and they said in about half the cases they either don't make enough progress finding anybody or find people who refused to meet.   The UK show can be problematic as well but they have more "what happened next episodes" and those have at times focused on reunions where people didn't really bond and didn't see each other again.   
One recent reunion show had an adoptee who had spent 50 years looking for the brother he grew up with until they were taken into care.  He said that while he'd spent his entire adult life looking for this man they just didn't connect and it hurt him because they'd been so close as children but at least his questions were answered.  The brother refused to be interviewed for the reunion special. 

 On another one two siblings had known their birth mom growing up and they met their adoptee sister.   The mother was abusive mentally and emotionally to the younger siblings for their whole lives and eventually mostly abandoned them with their father (not the adoptees father) and while she'd periodically turn up it was always a time of turmoil and pain and they'd spent years coming to terms with the fact that their mother just wasn't a particuarly good mother and didn't particularly care about them and that there was nothing (obvious) in her background that explained why she was how she was.   But the adoptee comes in and she needs to know all this stuff about their mom and they tell her what they can but she is certain she's going to find out some reason their mother was the way she was.. and they are like, "I mean good luck to you but we've looked and... eh..."  But the adoptee needed to go on this journey and needed to find something redemptive in their mother.   The siblings really wanted to have a relationship with their sister but admitted they drifted away from her because she was so obsessed with their mom and never really interested in anything else from their relationship getting info about their birth mom.  They were like, "she keeps opening these wounds and we hope she finds what she needs but we can't keep getting dragged into this.  We lived it."

[Yeah No]

On 11/19/2019 at 9:59 AM, pasdetrois said:

A lot of people have high expectations, or even demands, that cannot be realistically be filled and the reunion relationships crumble. In my friend's case, her child was eager for reunion, then began making demands for travel and money and proved to be quite unstable emotionally.

When I watch this show I get a feeling about each case and whether or not it looks promising for a future relationship.  In many cases I have my doubts that it will be even close to what the seeker expected it to be.  Some of them look like they have unrealistic expectations.  Being rejected has to be very hurtful but I understand wanting to take the risk.  If I got rejected I think I would need therapy after that!  Makes me feel really lucky to have grown up with my birth parents who loved me....

[iMonrey]

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I have a very close relationship with someone who is a birth mother. She has been involved in modernizing the adoption triad dynamics for 20 years. She has complained about this show from its beginning. I watched with her the other night.

I don't think this show is being deliberately disingenuous about searching for and finding someone separated by adoption. I'm sure there are lots of cases they look into where they either can't find the person or the person doesn't want to be found, and they simply drop those cases because there is nothing to tell. If they did a bunch of shows where they found the person then went back to whoever was searching to say "Sorry, they don't want to meet you," think how depressing that would be. Who would watch that?

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When I watch this show I get a feeling about each case and whether or not it looks promising for a future relationship.  In many cases I have my doubts that it will be even close to what the seeker expected it to be.  Some of them look like they have unrealistic expectations.

The most awkward part of the show is the reunion scene. None of the participants ever seems to be realistically prepared. Like if it were me I'd have a list of specific questions written down. But think how awkward they must feel meeting that person for the first time in front of a camera crew. It makes me  uncomfortable just watching it.

I do agree that there is probably a high percentage of reunions that do not end up establishing any kind of ongoing relationship afterwards. They've touched on this in the past and I agree they probably stopped doing the "What happened next" episodes because the network found them to be too much of a downer.