Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[shapeshifter]

On 5/18/2023 at 2:42 PM, AgathaC said:

he generally obeys me without question and is polite

That could be a good sign that he's better behaved with those who are not in his immediate family circle — although you would be considered to be "immediate family" by most measures of such things. You mentioned his grades were poor, but is his in-school behavior acceptable?
I ask because back the the pre-internet age, we parents were advised that if a child acted out only at home but not in school, that was a good thing, because it meant the child felt comfortable expressing their negativity with their family, but were able to conform to societal norms too. 
I don't know if more recent child development studies have altered this opinion or not.
Physical violence at any age in any setting seems like a red flag to me, personally.

[AgathaC]

56 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

That could be a good sign that he's better behaved with those who are not in his immediate family circle — although you would be considered to be "immediate family" by most measures of such things. You mentioned his grades were poor, but is his in-school behavior acceptable?
I ask because back the the pre-internet age, we parents were advised that if a child acted out only at home but not in school, that was a good thing, because it meant the child felt comfortable expressing their negativity with their family, but were able to conform to societal norms too. 
I don't know if more recent child development studies have altered this opinion or not.
Physical violence at any age in any setting seems like a red flag to me, personally.

There were issues when he was younger (hyperactivity, not following directions) but that got better by 2nd grade and didn’t seem like anything out of the norm for a boy that age.

This year, though, he’s been suspended twice for fighting and it’s not totally clear what happened. We suspect it was a “mutual fault” situation. In one instance the other kid had already been suspended three times for fighting. The second time, it was a mutual shoving that was witnessed by a teacher. The other kid said SS kept calling him a name. Sounds like him, as he doesn’t always pick up on “knock it off.” No injuries either time. Other than that, teachers said he tends to act as a class clown in some classes but is otherwise well-behaved.

On the rare occasions he goes with us to church, he tends to be quiet but polite. We’re supposed to go with my family to the beach later this summer. Hopefully he can keep up the good behavior.

I don’t know if he still lashes out physically at his mom. Last instance we heard about was two years ago. But, in my book, 10 is waaaayyyy too old for that. Actually, anything over toddler age is too old for that.

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, AgathaC said:

I don’t know if he still lashes out physically at his mom. Last instance we heard about was two years ago. But, in my book, 10 is waaaayyyy too old for that. Actually, anything over toddler age is too old for that

I just googled:

• child development hitting age 10 

and, while yes, hitting is “normal” for toddlers but problematic in tweens, it doesn’t seem to be an uncommon issue for tweens. 
I didn’t read the specifics, but there were a lot of articles on dealing with it.

Anyway, that’s a relief if at least the hitting of his mother is no longer happening.

[Bethany]

I know I ranted a few months ago about my sister and her list of demands with regard to my mother's things. 

Today I had a bit of  the last laugh is mine moment.  I had called her to let her know that I had finished going through the last of the boxes that had been in my parents storage unit.  

Sis wanted a particular item I'd come across and started going on and on about how "That is such a favourite childhood memory for me.  Mom getting that out was always the first sign that Christmas was coming..."

I pointed out that this particular item was given to my mother the year after I got married.  My sister is a year younger than me and no I was not a child bride.

She has always done this - either she making it up or she genuinely has a completely false memory of our childhood - but this was one time when I was able to correct her with more than "well that's not how I remember it".

Made me smile.

BTW I am more than fine with her having it (Dad doesn't want any of the Christmas stuff) she didn't need to try to pull any heartstrings!

Edited May 30, 2023 by Bethany

[shapeshifter]

13 minutes ago, Bethany said:

I know I ranted a few months ago about my sister and her list of demands with regard to my mother's things. 

Today I had a bit of  the last laugh is mine moment.  I had called her to let her know that I had finished going through the last of the boxes that had been in my parents storage unit.  

Sis wanted a particular item I'd come across and started going on and on about how "That is such a favourite childhood memory for me.  Mom getting that out was always the first sign that Christmas was coming..."

I pointed out that this particular item was given to my mother the year after I got married.  My sister is a year younger than me and no I was not a child bride.

She has always done this - either she making it up or she genuinely has a completely false memory of our childhood - but this was one time when I was able to correct her with more than "well that's not how I remember it".

Made me smile.

BTW I am more than fine with her having it (Dad doesn't want any of the Christmas stuff) she didn't need to try to pull any heartstrings!

Your sister and my sister are a lot alike. 

[Yogisbooboo64]

Anyone here ever experience home hospice?

My mother, who has been a shero to me and my siblings for all our lives, is slowly transitioning from a stage 4 sacrum bedsore.  Add MS, type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure, she is very weak.

Some days are good….she recognizes us and eats/drinks what she can handle.  And then there’s today, where she didn’t eat anything, just had an Ensure, water and cherry water ice.  Lately, we’ve been holding her hand while watching television, she still has quite a grip.

I’ve read so much about hospice and the eventual transition and have been unable to stop crying.  I cry at night before going to bed, I’ve cried many times at my work desk; and don’t let a song come on, doesn’t matter the genre.  She was a sucker for The Spinners so it’s hard to listen to any of their tracks, especially Love Don’t Love Nobody.

March 2023 has been fucking hell….on Mr. Yogi’s birthday I found my beloved cat Spooky dead when I got home, he had cancer.  Three days later, my mom was admitted into the hospital until Monday when she was discharged home to begin hospice.

If your mother is still alive, please tell her you love her and hold her tight.

[Bethany]

2 minutes ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

Anyone here ever experience home hospice?

I went through this with my mother last summer.  Not home hospice as she had already been living in an assisted living retirement community due to multiple issues.  She had been failing for several months (in retrospect it's so clear now).  Losing interest in food was one sign, having to be encouraged to even drink some water was another.  

When she was nearing the end, and all her systems were, essentially, shutting down, they started palliative care.  The goal was to keep her comfortable and let nature take its course.  When this process began my two nieces, my daughter and I always made sure someone was with her, holding her hand, talking to her while she could still talk to us (I am starting to cry now) and stayed with her right to the end.

If they offer this to you I would take it.  I was so afraid she would be afraid and thankfully this didn't happen.    I don't know if I could have handled that.

I am so sorry you're going through this and you are so right.  If your mom is still with you make sure you tell her you love her.

[Yogisbooboo64]

1 hour ago, Bethany said:

The goal was to keep her comfortable and let nature take its course. 

That's exactly what we're doing.  It was never an option to put her into a nursing home, she never wanted that.

My only anger is for my brother.  He lives in Georgia, my sister lives in Virginia.  She requested and got the summer to work up in Philly, which is where we are.  I'm sure it was inconvenient for her as her job has her travelling, but she did it.  This motherfucker (as I said, I'm angry!) had the balls last night to call and see how she was doing; once he was satisfied, he said he'll call next week.

How fucking hard can it be to tell your family and job that you're taking a week, hell a weekend to go see your mother before she leaves this earth?!  MAN THE FUCK UP!!  The killer?  He was always the golden boy in my mother's eyes....I just hope that she doesn't realize he's not here where he fucking should be.

Watch, he'll be like Sarah Jane in Imitation of Life when she threw herself on her mother's coffin.

Edited June 9, 2023 by Yogisbooboo64

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

Anyone here ever experience home hospice?

I have not, but everyone I knew who has cannot state emphatically enough how glad they are to have gone that route.

[PRgal]

My son is going through a very hyper phase right now.  Runs around ALL THE TIME, and, well, getting into accidents.  I have officially entered the chronic scraped and bruised knees and elbows phase.  If he's anything like me, this will be a thing for the next few years.  

@Yogisbooboo64:  I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.  I just spoke with my parents who are in Hong Kong, and they told me that my grandmother, who just turned 97, isn't doing that well anymore.  Not really eating and unable to recognize people, not even my dad, her first born.  

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

Anyone here ever experience home hospice?

No personal experience but if you have the option to go with it, please, take advantage of it. The hospice workers will take the burden off of you, so you can be present with your mother. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[ebk57]

3 hours ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

Anyone here ever experience home hospice?

Not home hospice, but my MIL and my sister were both well taken care of in hospice facilities.  I can't recommend them strongly enough.  Good people.

We found the facility for my MIL through the county.  My sister worked for the hospital, so that was an easy choice.  And I say easy because thankfully, we didn't have to decide - they were there to help and take care of her.

My heart is with you. 

[supposebly]

3 hours ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

Anyone here ever experience home hospice?

 

A friend of mine with his mother. He cared for her but at the end, he needed a lot more specific help for her to keep comfortable. They were great. He was very grateful for them.

[Gramto6]

My dad passed in 1979, he was in a care facility...don't think Hospice even existed then. I visited with him each day, sometimes taking my kids, but they were very young (8 &6). He had what they now call Alzheimer's, then because he was an alcoholic they called it Alcoholic Brain (times they have changed for sure. He didn't recognize anyone. He also had emphysema and was in an oxygen tent. I got the call one morning that  "respirations had ceased". Upsetting but, not unexpected at least he was now at peace.

My mom passed in 1988. She had breast cancer and was undergoing chemo which was just more than her already damaged heart could take. She collapsed in her bedroom getting ready to go grocery shopping with my brother. So fast and unexpected.  It was odd as I was at work, and just about the same time she passed I had the thought "I should call Mom and see how she is doing today." Again no Hospice involved no one expected the quick death.

When my DH was dying in 1997, we lived up in the Sierras in CA. One dr hick town basically. We did have Visiting Nurses coming regularly, but when I ask our (jacka$$) dr about Hospice, his reply was we didn't need it because he had me!! WTF! It all fell on me and I was a physical and emotional wreck when he did pass one evening at home in my arms. Visiting Nurses had just arrived and helped me make the calls, it took me a long time to come back from that and Hospice would have helped me so much! Never went back to that dr., drove to another town to see a new one.

If Hospice is available and it is time, I would highly suggest it. For the caregiver as well as the patient!

Edited June 10, 2023 by Gramto6
typo

[Mindthinkr]

5 minutes ago, Gramto6 said:

When my DH was dying in 1997, we lived up in the Sierras in CA. One dr hick town basically. We did have Visiting Nurses coming regularly, but when I ask our (jacka$$) dr about Hospice, his reply was we didn't need it because he had me!! WTF! It all fell on me and I was a physical and emotional wreck when he did pass one evening at home in my arms. Visiting Nurses had just arrived and helped me make the calls, it took me a long time to come back from that and Hospice would have helped me so much! Never went back to that dr., drove to another town to see a new one.

I’m so sorry you were not offered that option. 🧸

[isalicat]

When my mother started bleeding rectally at age 94 three years ago, she declined a colonoscopy to "find out what was going on" or any further treatment, so the doctors told her that hospice was the next step. This was during the height of Covid so she was in the hospital (due to the bleeding, and she was also passing out occasionally) but I could not go in and see her, so the decision was entirely hers (my dad had already been gone a few years and my mother was entirely "compos mentis"). So they sent her back to the private home/care she was living in (a few blocks from my house) and the hospice nurses took over and they were quite literally angels on earth. They kept her comfortable and gave her soup or water or whatever she would or would not accept and I came twice a day to talk to her through the screen on her bedroom window. At the end the hospice nurses snuck me in to her room (fully masked et al) so I could hold her hand and hang with her for hours every day and she passed very, very peacefully about 10 minutes after I left her one morning (I went home to shower and got the call she was gone). I can't recommend hospice enough, really. What a blessing!

[Cloud9Shopper]

My mom and I largely get along these days but every once in a while she makes me want to tear my hair out still. Yesterday I was venting about work (it was a bad week) and she said “didn’t you know the job was a call center?” Ironically she complains about her job (not a call center) a lot too but I never say to her “well didn’t you know what the job was?” Anyway it kind of irked me because honestly if I had kids (I don’t want any) I’d be proud of my unemployed kid for taking a job to support themselves in the meantime while they looked for something they wanted more. Not exactly uncommon these days. My mom says I should have held out until something else came along because I was getting unemployment and she had the delusion that my one month severance from Old Job would last forever I guess. (And she was on unemployment herself not that long ago so she should know that it’s not really enough to live on.) 

I think what annoys me is that it’s not like she or any of my family was offering to step up and help support me financially when I was unemployed. No one said to me to take my time looking for a job I really wanted and they would give me money or help buy groceries. I was on my own and accused of “blowing” my money when part of it had to go to doctor’s appointments and meds without insurance, a job interview outfit for a company that required “business professional” even for a virtual interview, and travel/gas costs for interviews. It’s not as if my severance and unemployment was used on Kate Spade bags and luxury vacations. The whole thing just made me think of my mom as a hypocrite. Like sure judge me for complaining about my job when you were just moaning about your boss the other day… 

[StatisticalOutlier]

I'm a very big advocate of hospice and worked for one for a few years processing donations.  You know the ones--where people request a memorial donation to a charity.  I did this about 20 years ago.

I of course read all the obituaries in the paper to keep up with who might be named in a memorial.  The hospice I worked for is a non-profit, and I'd see people request donations to a for-profit hospice and it bugged me--people wouldn't ask for memorial donations to Walgreens because the deceased's pharmacist was always so kind and helpful.

I asked the development director about charitable donations to a for-profit hospice and she said they set up a non-profit to accept the memorial donations and use that money for things like bereavement services they are required to provide.  I didn't find much comfort in that because it's still civilians providing money to a for-profit company; if they didn't donate, the for-profit hospice would have to come up with that money on its own. 

(It's like when I found out how DoorDash guaranteed drivers a certain amount for each delivery, and a customer's tip went to satisfying that amount, lessening DoorDash's burden to pay for the guarantee.)

I think the for-profit hospices benefit from the reputation that non-profit hospices built over the years.  And I'm sure they also don't mind one bit that most people think all hospices are nonprofits, and are unaware that a for-profit hospice's mission is return on shareholder investment.

I'm not saying that for-profit hospices don't provide quality care, and that not-for-profit hospices are always the best choice, but I do think people should be aware of who they're dealing with, and I have yet to run across a for-profit hospice that advertises its status as prominently as non-profit hospices do.  Or divulge it at all, actually.

And there are more significant issues than just that they're beholden to shareholders.  As usual, people smelled opportunity, and here's the landscape now:

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/12/05/how-hospice-became-a-for-profit-hustle

Quote

For-profit providers made up thirty per cent of the field at the start of this century. Today, they represent more than seventy per cent, and between 2011 and 2019, research shows, the number of hospices owned by private-equity firms tripled. The aggregate Medicare margins of for-profit providers are three times that of their nonprofit counterparts.

 

 

[shapeshifter]

A portrait I painted of and for Mom's caregiver over 4 years:

I had to deal with my own stage IV cancer during that time. 
My cousin moved my aunt, who has Alzheimer's, into my cousin's home 2 years ago. 
We do what we can.

Edited June 10, 2023 by shapeshifter

[Gramto6]

@shapeshifter that is a gorgeous portrait!! I think I have said it before when you shared your work, but it is worth repeating. You are a very talented artist!! I'm sure the people you give/sell your work to really treasure each and every piece!

[Yogisbooboo64]

The wound specialist checked my mom this afternoon, turns out her sore is bleeding heavily and her skin is breaking down.  Can't do a blood transfusion due to her age and her weakened state.....as it is, the blood that is left is fighting to replenish her organs.  Aggressive care will be tried to stop the heavy drainage but if that doesn't work then she will decline sooner rather than later.

Naturally, I get the news at work so I've been crying off and on ever since.  While I knew this was terminal and we were given an estimation of weeks/months, this seems to be quicker than we were anticipating.

Scared to go home because I don't know what to expect.  Gotta put on my big girl panties though and be strong for her....easier said than done.

 

[Leeds]

Not about my family but I had to post this somewhere - I was in a meeting today and someone mentioned that she learned from her brother that his son had died via text!!!  Who does this?

(Mods: please remove the post if this is the wrong place.)

 

[Mindthinkr]

4 hours ago, Leeds said:

Not about my family but I had to post this somewhere - I was in a meeting today and someone mentioned that she learned from her brother that his son had died via text!!!  Who does this?

(Mods: please remove the post if this is the wrong place.)

 

I’m a bit shocked, but in his defense he could have been too broken up emotionally to call his sister (without breaking down into sobbing). Some people don’t chat on their phones anymore. They do everything by text. 
 

G

[shapeshifter]

48 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

5 hours ago, Leeds said:

Not about my family but I had to post this somewhere - I was in a meeting today and someone mentioned that she learned from her brother that his son had died via text!!!  Who does this?

(Mods: please remove the post if this is the wrong place.)

 

I’m a bit shocked, but in his defense he could have been too broken up emotionally to call his sister (without breaking down into sobbing). Some people don’t chat on their phones anymore. They do everything by text. 

Also, a text requires less effort. 
In places and times where extended families live(d) close by, neither of the parents of the dead child would be tasked with informing other family members.

[Bastet]

14 hours ago, Leeds said:

Not about my family but I had to post this somewhere - I was in a meeting today and someone mentioned that she learned from her brother that his son had died via text!!!  Who does this?

Just last night I talked with someone who was ranting that her mother informed her of her grandmother's death via text!

I have emailed friends about a loved one's death, to let them know what was going on but that I wasn't up to talking about it yet.  But I would never inform someone of their own loved one's death electronically.

Edited June 27, 2023 by Bastet

[PRgal]

3 hours ago, Bastet said:

Just last night I talked with someone who was ranting that her mother informed her of her grandmother's death via text!

I have emailed friends about a loved one's death, to let them know what was going on but that I wasn't up to talking about it yet.  But I would never inform someone of their own loved one's death electronically.

My mom informed me of my grandmother's death by text.  It happened overnight and my mom didn't want to wake me up.  It was expected (she was 90, had dementia and Parkinson's).  This was 10 years ago.

[Caoimhe]

When our father died my brother texted a cousin to tell her mother and all of his other siblings.  I'm not good at making phone calls, but it depends on the relationship between the person who died and whoever needs to be notified.  I posted my mother's death on Facebook but only after her siblings had been informed.  I think some cousins (Mom's nieces and nephews) found out that way and I honestly didn't care, it's not like I even have/had phone numbers for them.

[Bookworm 1979]

When my husband's grandmother died, he found out about it from a contractor that was doing work on his parent's house.  The contractor asked my husband when the funeral was, and my husband had no idea what he was talking about.  (She had been going downhill for a while so we weren't shocked, but by the point we heard about it she had been dead for a few weeks.)

[Jaded]

My Mom and I had been estranged from her brother for years. It was due to his physical behavior towards her before my Nana died and afterwards he used his power as executor as a way to punish her and by extension me. I didn't have his number so when my Mom died a few years ago I posted on her FB page saying it was me and if anyone knew her brother to let him know his sister died. I've never felt bad for doing it that way either.  I wasn't interested in asking for his number since I had no idea how he'd react.

I guess someone gave him the house number (a VoIP one at the time) and Uncle ended up calling. He said how sorry he was to hear about my Mom and offered his help to deal with the funeral home/burial plans. He did something that made me at least feel like he was remorseful without coming right out and apologizing. He asked me almost a dozen times if I was sure I was ok with him driving from a state over to come help with everything, to know he was that concerned with making sure I was comfortable I think was his way of trying to make up for at least some of his past behavior.

The help he provided was really useful and kept me from being overcharged. He went in half for a headstone and paid for a graveside service because he wanted one. Since my Mom's plot was the last family one and located a state over in our hometown the only way I could have gotten there was if he came back that day to pick me up so I could attend and bring me back. I declined the offer saying I didn't think I was up to seeing that all go on at the time as a way of not having to say I'd be uncomfortable doing so. My Mom's ashes ended up where she wanted to be after she died so my goal was accomplished. She didn't want to be cremated but that was the less expensive option to get her where she wanted to be.

[BlueSkies]

I've done some vents about both sides of my family on this site.  I helped out my aunt today and just kind of rolled my eyes at certain things she said and how she is.  Today didnt let it bother me.

 

 

I guess it just depends on my mood and what not if I let them get to me 

[BlueSkies]

Family annoyance for the day:

 

I have cousins I'm not particularly close with.  For Christmas they both gave me Dunkin' Donuts gift cards. On the one hand the gift card my one cousin gave worked fine and everything.  I'm not close with him but he's a pretty sort of guy not about B.S.

 

On the other hand the other gift card my cousin gave me came back inactive today which was strange.  But idk he always kind of gives me shady vibes.  I mean he's never really did anything to actually hurt me but some people are just sort of like that.  That gift card in a weird way symbolizes my feelings on him.  And well a lot of relatives on that side of the family.  

 

 

 

Edit: I mean dont actually dislike this cousin I just dont sort of feel comfortable around him kind of thing.  Like my mentality and how I push through life is like so way way different then his.  And in reality it might just cause me to disconnect even further in the next few years.  

 

Another Edit: Hours later I cooled down over this.  Enough so to realize to try to not try and lose my temper in real life or something trivial like this.  I'd delete the post but cant.  

Edited July 10, 2023 by BlueSkies

[Yogisbooboo64]

My sister has a group text prepared for when my mother transitions....truth be told, the both of us are going to be too broken up to pick up the phone and I know if it were me doing the calling the person would have a hard time deciphering what I was saying due to my hysterical crying.

So....my brother finally came to see my mom a couple of weeks ago.  He saw her, spoke with my sister for a while then left.  She was sleeping when he left, but IMO he should have awakened her to say he was leaving....that could be the last time he sees her FFS!  Then he has the utter balls to request that his wife and daughter attend the eventual funeral.  Unfortunately, my mother saw her granddaughter only once, and she was a baby.  My brother and his wife never encouraged his daughter to have a relationship with her so basically they are coming to the funeral of a stranger.

I wasn't around when he said this to my sister (I stayed in my room until he left, as I was too disgusted with his fairweather ass)....she is as angry as I am, as their presence will be a slap in the face.

I informed Mr. Yogisbooboo that he will have to bodyguard me in the event that either one should be stupid enough to come up to me and offer condolences.  I'm not generous enough to be cordial, if I don't like you you'd know by my face.

The hospice nurse says she is declining, we likely have weeks left.  I thought I had stopped crying but once she shared that with me, it all came back.

I think I've eaten enough Utz Potato Chips to put every Utz employee's children through college!!

Edited July 11, 2023 by Yogisbooboo64

[PRgal]

I want to learn more about my ancestral roots, but beyond an Ancestry test, I'm not sure how.  I think I've said before that I have some information about my dad's line since I (sort of) have access to the genealogy/lineage book, but that's the only branch I know about (gee, thanks, sexist culture!).  I don't even know much about the male side on my mom's branch (i.e. my maternal grandfather's line.  I'm don't even know if he's the oldest boy!), let alone my paternal grandmother.  All I know is that she had a Grade 2 education (or something like that) and felt really ashamed of not being fully literate.  Or at least that's what I was told.  She recently passed (97!!!) so I'm now even MORE interested.  I'm not even sure if the lineage book is available, since many were destroyed during Cultural Revolution (aka the Biggest Cancel Culture Project in Modern History).  I guess I'm just nervous to ask.

[shapeshifter]

28 minutes ago, PRgal said:

I guess I'm just nervous to ask.

Would you be asking the Chinese government?

Just yesterday I went back to the Ancestry Library database and was pleasantly surprised to see someone had uploaded some additional information. 

It is almost always my father's father's ancestors. 

[PRgal]

2 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Would you be asking the Chinese government?

Just yesterday I went back to the Ancestry Library database and was pleasantly surprised to see someone had uploaded some additional information. 

It is almost always my father's father's ancestors. 

No.  My parents.  I don’t read/write Chinese nor do I speak Mandarin.  Plus they make me nervous. 

[shapeshifter]

6 hours ago, PRgal said:

No.  My parents.

I *really* wish I'd asked my parents to tell me more stories when they were still alive, especially my Dad.

Mom had a few favorite memories that she'd repeat, but then she'd say she didn't know anything else, hinting that there were family members who didn't make it out of Germany.

Is it a more recent cultural shift for the women of the family to be the keepers of the family history? Or is it a U.S. thing?

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, shapeshifter said:

I *really* wish I'd asked my parents to tell me more stories when they were still alive, especially my Dad.

I wish that about my paternal grandma.  My maternal grandma and I were as close as close can be, but she died when I was six.  My other grandma lived out of state, and we called as a family every Sunday, but only visited every three years (my dad would go in between by himself).  She was a rather detached person, with whom none of the gazillion grandkids (my dad is one of eight siblings, so there are a shit ton of us cousins, most of whom I don't know because my dad moved away after college so I grew up only visiting) had a close relationship, but I'm sure her difficult (impoverished, taking care of way too many kids) life was a factor in that I never considered as a child or teen (she died my freshman year of college).  I don't know how much she'd have answered, but I wish I'd had the maturity to ask.

[PRgal]

6 hours ago, Bastet said:

I wish that about my paternal grandma.  My maternal grandma and I were as close as close can be, but she died when I was six.  My other grandma lived out of state, and we called as a family every Sunday, but only visited every three years (my dad would go in between by himself).  She was a rather detached person, with whom none of the gazillion grandkids (my dad is one of eight siblings, so there are a shit ton of us cousins, most of whom I don't know because my dad moved away after college so I grew up only visiting) had a close relationship, but I'm sure her difficult (impoverished, taking care of way too many kids) life was a factor in that I never considered as a child or teen (she died my freshman year of college).  I don't know how much she'd have answered, but I wish I'd had the maturity to ask.

My paternal grandparents lived in Hong Kong, so I barely saw them.  They came to Toronto nearly every summer when I was a teenager and would stay for two months, but stopped coming as often after my grandfather died.  I went to Hong Kong every few years and haven’t been back since 2011.  My grandmother came a few times since then but stopped coming around 2017 or so.  She never met my son.  There were some language challenges (my Cantonese is close to broken and she didn’t speak English at all) and most definitely cultural differences.  But that’s not too different from my two Canadian cousins who also live in Toronto.  I think their Cantonese might be a bit better but probably not by much. 

[BlueSkies]

It's my mom's birthday today.  My aunt had some cake and coffee for her at her house today.

 

I politely declined.  Sunday afternoon is the start of the sort of "heavy feeling" with the work week ahead.  Plus it's relatives who are all retired now so don't share my sentiments on that and other stuff.  

 

I'll enjoy just sitting alone in peace.  

[Mondrianyone]

If I were your mom, I think that would hurt my feelings. But maybe things are different in your family.

[oliviabenson]

I wish I recorded my moms voice. I miss listening to her talk and sing (horribly). Boy she couldn’t sing but sang all the time… I especially miss all her cooking on the holidays…

I wish she was still alive. 

[shapeshifter]

40 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

I wish I recorded my moms voice. I miss listening to her talk and sing (horribly). Boy she couldn’t sing but sang all the time… I especially miss all her cooking on the holidays…

I wish she was still alive. 

Have you looked through old voice mail messages and cell phone videos? 
It's not much, but I have one of my mom talking while she's trying to take a cell phone picture of one of my daughters. It's sweet.

[EtheltoTillie]

18 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Have you looked through old voice mail messages and cell phone videos? 
It's not much, but I have one of my mom talking while she's trying to take a cell phone picture of one of my daughters. It's sweet.

I have something amazing. My mother and her sister in the studio audience at the old Geraldo show, circa 1990 ish.  My mother was the older by 8 years. The topic of the day was sibling rivalry. Yes they got up and talked on national television. You can imagine . . . These two persisted in ludicrous button pushing into their 80s and 90s. The show was recorded on VHS at the time, and we converted it to a DVD.  My mother was talking in her fancy voice, the one where she tries to cover her Bronx accent. 

Edited July 16, 2023 by EtheltoTillie

[Caoimhe]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

I wish I recorded my moms voice. I miss listening to her talk and sing (horribly). Boy she couldn’t sing but sang all the time… I especially miss all her cooking on the holidays…

I wish she was still alive. 

I have a few short video clips (you can hear everyone telling me to turn off the camera)  so I can still hear my mother’s voice.  I’m happy now that I ignored them.  One day we were asking my father to repeat some of the stories he used to tell and I turned on the voice recorder on my phone so I have those too.  I’m trying to watch / listen to these less because I keep hearing that focusing on the past is why I’m depressed. Oh well.

[ECM1231]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

I wish I recorded my moms voice. I miss listening to her talk and sing (horribly). Boy she couldn’t sing but sang all the time… I especially miss all her cooking on the holidays…

I wish she was still alive. 

My mom died in 1987 at the age of 55. My son was only 2. This was well before cell phones, and I think even voice messages on land line phones. She had the voice of an angel. As a young married wife and mom she auditioned for an opera company, but it would have required a lot of travel, so she didn't pursue it.

A few years back my cousin made a CD of some old family recordings from the 1950s, which I guess were on reel to reel tape. Mom was 2nd youngest of 5 siblings and they all had good voices. They'd gather round the table and sing. The CD isn't the greatest quality, but at least it's something. 

Whenever I hear O Holy Night, I cry. I remember her singing it in a Christmas show in our parish, dressed as an angel. It's been almost 36 years since she's gone, more than half my life.

[oliviabenson]

56 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Have you looked through old voice mail messages and cell phone videos? 
It's not much, but I have one of my mom talking while she's trying to take a cell phone picture of one of my daughters. It's sweet.

I never saved anything that has her voice on it

[Anela]

Next Monday is the seventh anniversary of my mum's death. I don't have anything with her voice on it. I wish that I did. I remember trying to call them in the hospital (mum and dad), when dad had left me at the bookstore for a while, and the phone was off, but I got her voicemail. Hearing her sound so normal, almost had me crying. She was occasionally lucid, but it was like her first day in the hospital, was the last one of full lucidity. 

[RealHousewife]

My mother got off Zoloft. At first she was doing okay, but now her behavior is getting worse and worse. Everything is making her snap. My sister can be very immature, so at first I thought their issues were the fault of my sister. My mother hasn't had the easiest time maintaining friendships due to her physical health. Then there is drama among her siblings due to my late grandfather's money. 

My mother can be a very difficult person to deal with, to put it mildly. As a child, before she got her mental health in check, I thought my mother hated me. I was frightened of her. She could be cruel, and a lot of stuff she did would be considered really abusive. There'd be some episodes here and then during my young adult years, but the last several years or so ago, I really thought she was doing fine. I defended her when my father said the common denominator in all the conflict was her. My mother has been a kinder, gentler person for many years now, and I thought she was doing her best given all her health issues. 

She's now constantly angry with me and my father too. If I share anything about my life, she's quick to find fault with decisions. My father isn't a perfect guy, but he does a lot for my mother. He still works full time, and because my mom is wheelchair bound, he takes on a lot at the house. It's gotten to the point a lot of her behavior is disturbing, and I feel so bad for my dad because it's like he has no escape. He'll be eating or washing dishes, and she belittles him. 

I am personally much happier now than I was a year ago, but my family, which is small, can really wear me out. My sister can be immature and difficult, but she is young, healthy, has a successful career, lots of friends. I know she'll be fine even if her issues might hurt her romantic life. I don't know what will happen with my mother and my father. They need each other, and my mother needs us too, but she's pushing all of us away. 

[ginger90]

9 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

My mother got off Zoloft.

Was she weaned off or just stopped? Was it replaced by something else?

Edited July 18, 2023 by ginger90

[RealHousewife]

3 hours ago, ginger90 said:

Was she weaned off or just stopped? Was it replaced by something else?

I think she just stopped. I asked my dad when, and he wasn’t sure. I remember she told me the dosage was low, but it worked wonders.