Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[DeLurker]

6 hours ago, backformore said:

it could be a medical or psychiatric condition.  Some people get depressed, and instead of crying in their bed under the covers, they get irritable and lash out at others.  I suggest letting his doctor know, there could be some reason he's being such an asshole. 

Good point.  My Dad suddenly had a change in his behavior - became quite sharp and unpleasant with my Mom as his condition deteriorated.  His cardiologist* put him on a low dose antidepressant as part of his pill regime.  Their GP also put my Mom on a low dose one since she was the one primarily responsible for taking care of him, the house, everything...at that point (a brother lives a house away and did/does a lot to help, but between working, his own two kids, a failing marriage (since divorced), his own house...) there was a limit to what he could do.

* from what I've been told, this isn't an unusual prescription for cardiologists to make.

[Quof]

Mother:   "If your grandmother had known she was going to live this long, she would have taken better care of herself."

Me:  "She's 96.  Do you think she should give up the smoking and the drinking now?"

 

Can we change the name to "The good, the bad, the ugly and the insane"?

[methodwriter85]

Doing family get-togethers with someone who is a militant vegan can be really, really difficult.

Edited December 11, 2017 by methodwriter85

[JTMacc99]

5 hours ago, methodwriter85 said:

militant vegan

Heh heh heh.  "Have you used that frying pan at any point to cook meat?!"

[DeLurker]

Found out late last week one of my brothers is in the psych ward of the hospital.  He's got a number of serious health issues, but he moved into what sounds like a fairly remote area of NC last year to be with his wife.  She had moved up there, supposedly for a job as an ultrasound technician (which has never appeared - she's cleaning hotel rooms).  Apparently she decided she was leaving him, flew back to South Florida (where they were before) and told him they were done by phone.

There's a lot of holes in the story that I have been told by my other brothers, but I am dealing with some major shit myself right now and so they know (and I know) I just don't have the emotional resources to really deal.  And the stories my SIL tells have holes that you can drive a truck through and they change from conversation to conversation.  So not sure if she called the police on him from Florida for talking crazy or whether he called 911 himself (he's self reported when he was a mess before).

They don't have a healthy relationship - haven't from the start (and that is saying something coming from me) - and so this separation thing has played out in the past several times.  She leaves, stays gone for several months to a year, then decides to come back.  And he always takes her back.  He's the stupidest most intelligent person alive or the most intelligent stupid person alive, I haven't figured out which.

His plan right now is to stick around NC to see a court case through, then have his best friend since 6 grade come pick him up and go back to South Florida.  Theoretically the idea is that he and his wife will co-exist in the house until the court case is done.  Doesn't sound like a stellar plan, but it is a plan.

My other brothers have offered to go up and help him pack and drive out since the best friend is someone we all know from the neighborhood.  Thankfully he still has a house in South Florida as his daughter and grandkids have been staying there.  It isn't a good idea for him to move in with our Mom or any of us - he's too mercurial in temperament (always has been) and eventually we suspect the wife will come back and then they'll both be in your house.

UPDATE:  He's been released from the hospital and is back at their house in NC.  His wife has been back since this weekend.  I want to call, but don't want to call.  I suspect I will feel like crap either way.

Edited December 11, 2017 by DeLurker
To correct a typo of "me" for "be". Hopefully not foreshadowing.

[JTMacc99]

2 hours ago, DeLurker said:

I want to call, but don't want to call.  I suspect I will feel like crap either way.

Let the situation breathe. Give yourself the time you need to sort your own issues.

[Mindthinkr]

@DeLurker It sounds as though there is a plan in place and therefore no need for you to fix anything. This time of year is so stressful and I'm sorry this has added to the list of things that you want/need to be concerned with. I'd call at some point so that he knows that you care. Pick your time to call him and know your boundaries before you do. 

[AgentRXS]

So my grandmother on my dad's side passed away today. I haven't seen her in years due to her health issues. My (step)dad has never invited me to Pennsylvania (which is were she lived in later years) to meet his side of the family (I've only met two of his sisters who have visited FL). He's been my father ( though not legally, but in every other way that counts) since age 2, so I never understood it but grew to accept it.

She loved me like a granddaughter, though, and treated me equal to my sister. She's been in declining health since the beginning of this year, and my dad went up to visit her just 2 weeks ago, because he had a feeling she wasn't  long for the world. I tried to get my sister to go up and visit, but she thought my dad was exaggerating and that my grandmother had enough time left for her to go visit at a later time. I feel so bad that my sister didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Even though I haven't seen her in awhile, I'll miss her hugs, her cooking (she made the best chicken I have ever tasted), our walks on the beach, our trips to the mall. At least she lived until 93 and had a full life....I hope my sister and dad take comfort in that.

Edited December 12, 2017 by AgentRXS

[DeLurker]

Sounds like you two had a bond also.  I'm sorry for your loss but relieved to hear you say she had a full life.  

[DeLurker]

My Mom called me yesterday to remind me my CVS extra cash coupon for $10 was expiring that day so make sure I go use it.  I am the worst about keeping track of things like that (I have failed to fill out the paperwork for numerous rebates in the past.  If I did manage to send in the form, I forget to cash the rebate check).  My Mom is the master at stretching a dollar, so she worries that maybe they switched babies on her in the hospital.  Since all of us kids look a lot alike, that is not a particularly credible theory.

[walnutqueen]

10 hours ago, AgentRXS said:

So my grandmother on my dad's side passed away today. I haven't seen her in years due to her health issues. My (step)dad has never invited me to Pennsylvania (which is were she lived in later years) to meet his side of the family (I've only met two of his sisters who have visited FL). He's been my father ( though not legally, but in every other way that counts) since age 2, so I never understood it but grew to accept it.

She loved me like a granddaughter, though, and treated me equal to my sister. She's been in declining health since the beginning of this year, and my dad went up to visit her just 2 weeks ago, because he had a feeling she wasn't  long for the world. I tried to get my sister to go up and visit, but she thought my dad was exaggerating and that my grandmother had enough time left for her to go visit at a later time. I feel so bad that my sister didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Even though I haven't seen her in awhile, I'll miss her hugs, her cooking (she made the best chicken I have ever tasted), our walks on the beach, our trips to the mall. At least she lived until 93 and had a full life....I hope my sister and dad take comfort in that.

I am so sorry for your loss, @AgentRXS, but glad that you have such fond memories.

[Petunia13]

I'm sorry for your loss @AgentRXS. She sounds like a great lady. I'm glad you guys had such wonderful times together. 

[Mindthinkr]

@AgentRXS I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that you got her chicken recipe. When you are thinking of her you can cook it. I know that's no substitute for her or her cooking but it might make for a good memory. Hug. 

[emma675]

AgentRXS, I'm so sorry for your loss. It always seems doubly hard to lose someone around the holidays.

[NutMeg]

10 hours ago, DeLurker said:

My Mom called me yesterday to remind me my CVS extra cash coupon for $10 was expiring that day so make sure I go use it.  I am the worst about keeping track of things like that (I have failed to fill out the paperwork for numerous rebates in the past.  If I did manage to send in the form, I forget to cash the rebate check).  My Mom is the master at stretching a dollar, so she worries that maybe they switched babies on her in the hospital.  Since all of us kids look a lot alike, that is not a particularly credible theory.

Glad it's not just me! I'm so bad that not only do I forfeit on many a rebate, I also can hardly ever remember the price of anything I buy, unless I make it a point to remember it. Not sure if the family of my ex sees me a a flake or as non committal, my father in law used to ask me about the price of so many things, and in most cases I really had no idea. The weirdest thing is that when I worked very closely with the stock markets, prices changes in % were embedded in my brain but I still had to check my screen for the actual quote, I can remember a price pattern but hardly ever the actual price :(

[Blergh]

Good news is that we've had a landmark event happen in the family and the honoree had a wonderful time with extended family helping to honor said landmark! Hooray!

 

 Annoying news is that I'm having to listen to one family member's endless rants about stuff during this time as I've had to do for decades when said family member visits. By experience, I've learned that just not responding during said rants to others and, occasionally saying , ' I see what you're saying' should rant get directed in one's direction (and finding things to do away from them while they are in the vicinity) are the ONLY ways to get through this since they refuse to accept even the slightest dissension from their own so-valuable POV. Others may be charmed by said  family member and that's their rights to do so. However; I just try to get through this without giving them any opportunities to start any arguments with me and am always relieved when they leave. Only a few more days.

Edited December 15, 2017 by Blergh
extra

[Hero]

Is it bad to say that I hate my family? They just make life so miserable. They get mad for stupid reasons and hold grudges forever. I have always thought this, but was ashamed of myself for thinking of it. It's always something with them. I have so much hatred and anger for them, and I have no healthy way to express it. It just gets pushed further down. 

[walnutqueen]

4 hours ago, Hero said:

Is it bad to say that I hate my family? They just make life so miserable. They get mad for stupid reasons and hold grudges forever. I have always thought this, but was ashamed of myself for thinking of it. It's always something with them. I have so much hatred and anger for them, and I have no healthy way to express it. It just gets pushed further down. 

Perhaps this is a sign that it is time for you to disengage.  There's plenty of positive and healthy stuff out there in the world (even for an anti-social, irascible old recluse like me).  Anger almost always has hurt as the root of the problem.  There's no time like the present to lick your wounds and heal yourself.

[DeLurker]

8 hours ago, Hero said:

Is it bad to say that I hate my family? They just make life so miserable. They get mad for stupid reasons and hold grudges forever. I have always thought this, but was ashamed of myself for thinking of it. It's always something with them. I have so much hatred and anger for them, and I have no healthy way to express it. It just gets pushed further down. 

Is it the family as a unit or are they that bad as individuals too?  Some families get weird dynamics going when they are clustered together - well, probably most families do.  It can be overwhelming or it can be downright unpleasant. 

Sometimes a one-on-one session can be much more satisfying.

[PRgal]

I like my parents in almost every way - other than when my mom calls me "Ah Nui" ("Daughter") rather than my own name (either in English or Chinese).  "Ah Nui" is not all that an unusual address for kids by parents in Chinese speaking communities, but seems...cold to me.  At least English-speaking families get "honey" and "sweetie."  

[Mindthinkr]

You have it better than my brother. He didn't know his name was ______ until he was 21. He was always called sonofabitch. (Family joke). My family is still arguing about what to call me. Everyone has a variance of my name and the ways they spell it are endless. 

[PRgal]

12 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

You have it better than my brother. He didn't know his name was ______ until he was 21. He was always called sonofabitch. (Family joke). My family is still arguing about what to call me. Everyone has a variance of my name and the ways they spell it are endless. 

!!!!!!!

:(

[walnutqueen]

45 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

You have it better than my brother. He didn't know his name was ______ until he was 21. He was always called sonofabitch. (Family joke). My family is still arguing about what to call me. Everyone has a variance of my name and the ways they spell it are endless. 

Lemme guess  - starts with  "B" and ends with an "Itch"?!  :-D

Or perhaps I'm just projecting ...

[Mindthinkr]

5 minutes ago, walnutqueen said:

Lemme guess  - starts with  "B" and ends with an "Itch"?!  :-D

Or perhaps I'm just projecting ...

Careful now, I'll sick my kitty with the roughest tongue to give your face a dermabrasion. 

Lol

Edited December 16, 2017 by Mindthinkr

[walnutqueen]

3 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

Careful now, I'll sick my kitty with the roughest tongue to give your face a dermabrasion. 

Since  I can't afford any of those fancy shopping channel facial tools, and am considering duct-taping a face brush to my old sonic toothbrush, I'm more than happy to take all the kitty face licks you can SIC on me.  ;-)

Edited December 16, 2017 by walnutqueen

[Hero]

6 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Is it the family as a unit or are they that bad as individuals too?  Some families get weird dynamics going when they are clustered together - well, probably most families do.  It can be overwhelming or it can be downright unpleasant. 

Sometimes a one-on-one session can be much more satisfying.

As a unit and as individuals. They are just so pessimistic. I learned very young to never be optimistic about anything because happiness in this family is very short-lived. They love to bring people down. If anything good happened to me, I kept it to myself. My father and sister are the best at making me feel really bad about myself. They always demean me and make me feel as if I am stupid. 

At 16, I wanted to get my license, but my father didn't want me to get it. He didn't want to teach me, so he said to driver's ed. I didn't mind, because I thought it would be a really good teaching experience, and it was. My dad promised me that I could get my license after I finished the course. That's fair. But, he lied. After I finished the course, he told me that I couldn't get it. I was mad.

I begged and he finally relented, a year later. When I was ready to take my test, he didn't say good luck or be safe, things one would expect a parent to say. He was still angry that I wanted to get it and told me, before I walked out the door to do the test, that I was going to crash. He also pointed out cars that have been in accidents and said that was going to be me. 

I was really envious when my friends parents would take them out of school on their lunch period to take them to get their license. Their parents took a picture and was proud of them. But, my parents were angry that I wanted to get it and furthered my hesitation of ever wanting to confide in them. 

Sorry about this long post. I just really need to vent. 

Edited December 16, 2017 by Hero

[Mindthinkr]

@Hero. There was no need for them to be so harsh on you and I'm sorry to hear about it. Granted some people are like that, but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with it either. You need to find a supportive group of friends (or maybe their family to some extent) and make your own pseudo family. I'm sure that you have a lot to offer as a person and a bit of kindness on someone else's part might help you to blossom into a gorgeous bloom. You are worth it. I'll offer to be an older sister (because I'm so dang old) and you can PM me and bend my ear anytime. I won't put you down or be judgmental. I will always try to look for the good and show you a light when your time seems it's darkest. You are never alone. There are many great people who lurk these threads and we are all just a message away. 

Congradultions on getting your license despite him. Clap Heel click Clap

[walnutqueen]

16 minutes ago, Hero said:

As a unit and as individuals. They are just so pessimistic. I learned very young to never be optimistic about anything because happiness in this family is very short-lived. They love to bring people down. If anything good happened to me, I kept it to myself. My father and sister are the best at making me feel really bad about myself. They always demean me and make me feel as if I am stupid. 

At 16, I wanted to get my license, but my father didn't want me to get it. He didn't want to teach me, so he said to driver's ed. I didn't mind, because I thought it would be a really good teaching experience, and it was. My dad promised me that I could get my license after I finished the course. That's fair. But, he lied. After I finished the course, he told me that I couldn't get it. I was mad.

I begged and he finally relented, a year later. When I was ready to take my test, he didn't say good luck or be safe, things one would expect a parent to say. He was still angry that I wanted to get it and told me, before I walked out the door to do the test, that I was going to crash. He also pointed out cars that have been in accidents and said that was going to be me. 

I was really envious when my friends parents would take them out of school on their lunch period to take them to get their license. Their parents took a picture and was proud of them. But, my parents were angry that I wanted to get it and furthered my hesitation of ever wanting to confide in them. 

Sorry about this long post. I just really need to vent. 

Hey, Hero - you may be young (OK, everybody's young by my eyes), but I promise you that it will get better.  Then it will get worse.  Yet again.  Life is a series of disappointments, punctuated by moments of pure, unadulterated joy.  Vent away, rage at the Skies above you, and then just survive for another day. Lean on us - we have very broad shoulders and remember what it feels like to be young & tortured.  

You're going to feel like shit for a while, but that's just growing pains, and is perfectly A-OK.  Family shit is best visited when you're older & wiser than most of us here; for now, try not beating yourself up so much with all this B.S.

[DeLurker]

21 minutes ago, Hero said:

Sorry about this long post. I just really need to vent. 

Please don't apologize - we all need to vent and sometimes the safest place to do that is anonymously on an internet forum.  And the driver license story may sound minor when told in isolation, but if it is indicative of a longer and overriding narrative then it stands in for a countless number of things that add up to how you feel.

Since this time of year usually means various get togethers and holiday dinners which may make interacting with them seem mandatory.  It may be unavoidable to duck out completely, but nothing says you have to be there at every event for the whole duration.  Make plans with other friends that might be at loose ends, do some volunteer work, or simply stay away and immerse yourself in a good book/movie/music. 

I always found family events a bit overwhelming and horrifyingly boring as I grew up.  I found that when I started to have nieces and nephews, these events became much more fun.  I happily played on the floor with the kids, took them for walks or out to the park, read them stories...my family and SILs loved it because it freed them up to have some "adult" time,  I loved it because the kids were a lot more interesting than adults (and my family is pretty great, I just have a low tolerance level for extended serious conversation).

[Hero]

Thank you guys so much! It really means a lot that you genuinely care. It's hard for me to express how I feel. It took me a few hours to even write that post. I've been holding all of that in for so long.

[Mindthinkr]

1 minute ago, Hero said:

Thank you guys so much! It really means a lot that you genuinely care. It's hard for me to express how I feel. It took me a few hours to even write that post. I've been holding all of that in for so long.

It's mental puke, throw it up (out)!! 

[walnutqueen]

4 hours ago, Hero said:

Thank you guys so much! It really means a lot that you genuinely care. It's hard for me to express how I feel. It took me a few hours to even write that post. I've been holding all of that in for so long.

You'd be surprised to know how many of us TeeVee snarkers really DO have a heart, and have just as much difficulty expressing genuine emotions on this internet thingy.  I have found a relatively honest and open place here at PTV, and hope you stick around long enough to forge some real friendships here, like I have.  

Baby steps ... and best wishes to you.

[Kelly]

AgentRXS...so sorry to hear of your loss. ?

Edited December 17, 2017 by Kelly

[emma675]

I feel bad even whining about my family "issues" here, but...I think I told you guys about my cousin a while back. She was one of my favorite relatives growing up, their family moved out of state when we were kids and she's continued to live out of state. I thought we were close, but she's been in state twice in the last year to visit family near me and didn't have time to visit me each time. So, I realized I valued the friendship more than she did and just let it go. I've made no effort to reach out to her since then and she's sent me one or two notes on FB on my birthday, etc.

She's been into those MLM businesses this year, selling lip stuff and now hair stuff. I just got a long DM from her to "catch up" and surprise, surprise, she's wondering if I'd like to "try her new hair stuff". I haven't yet decided if I'm just going to ignore the note or send something generic back along the lines of "Merry Christmas, hope you're doing well, good luck in the new year". I definitely understand the relationship now. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.

[DisneyBoy]

That's an Oprah quote ain't it?

Is it possible she's been mired down in emotional stuff? I guess either way, it's no excuse for being distant or tacky like that, with the hair stuff.

It's interesting to see who people become once their lives get going. People I cared deeply about as a kid treated me as an afterthought or worse once they married and had families. It wakes you up a bit. Save your energy for people who really appreciate you...regardless of what they've got going on...but try to be patient with those who might be dealing with real trouble.

I would say to allow some warmth into your generic reply. It'll probably shine through and make you feel less guilty about being generic.

[BookWoman56]

5 hours ago, emma675 said:

I feel bad even whining about my family "issues" here, but...I think I told you guys about my cousin a while back. She was one of my favorite relatives growing up, their family moved out of state when we were kids and she's continued to live out of state. I thought we were close, but she's been in state twice in the last year to visit family near me and didn't have time to visit me each time. So, I realized I valued the friendship more than she did and just let it go. I've made no effort to reach out to her since then and she's sent me one or two notes on FB on my birthday, etc.

She's been into those MLM businesses this year, selling lip stuff and now hair stuff. I just got a long DM from her to "catch up" and surprise, surprise, she's wondering if I'd like to "try her new hair stuff". I haven't yet decided if I'm just going to ignore the note or send something generic back along the lines of "Merry Christmas, hope you're doing well, good luck in the new year". I definitely understand the relationship now. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.

My first experience with this sort of thing (trying to use your family/friends as customers) occurred back when I was in grad school.  I'd had a casual friendship with a girl when we were freshmen together in a couple of classes. Then we went our separate ways; there was no big break or anything, and we would say "Hi" if we bumped into each other but no real socializing.  Fast forward a few years, after I've gotten married, had a kid, finished my undergrad degree and jumped straight into grad school.  Former casual friend was taking a class next to one of mine, and she asked for an update on my life, contact info, etc. I thought she was just trying to reconnect, even though I wasn't really interested in reviving the friendship. Then I got both a call and a letter from her husband, trying to sell me life insurance. And I remember thinking, FFS, she didn't even ask to go get coffee or something before passing along my info for a sales pitch. Sorry, if you reconnected with me only because you're trying to sell me something, I have zero interest in reconnecting. Call me when you're not trying to sell me something. 

With your cousin, I would send back a generic note. That way, she knows you saw her sales pitch and you're not interested. Based on other experiences with cousins and so forth who decided to do online cosmetics sales, your cousin is likely to keep sending you little notes if she thinks you just didn't see the first 2 dozen she sent touting her new hair stuff, mascara, etc. If she tries another sales pitch, I would suggest replying that you aren't interested in those products and shut down that conversation. Maybe she's had good reasons not to have visited you or been in touch recently, but it sounds more as if you popped into her head as a potential customer rather than a relative she'd like to touch base with.

I have bought cosmetics from a friend who went into that kind of stuff for a while, but we were good friends and she was in no way pushy about it. At the time, I was already spending money on other brands of cosmetics, and it didn't seem that big a deal to buy a few things from her. She realized after about 9 months or so that she hated what she was doing and went back into a field she enjoyed. I don't have any negative feelings about the cosmetics sales, because she made it clear she valued my friendship way more than making a few sales, and we were comfortable enough with each other that I could have easily told her, look, I don't like this brand or I don't have extra money to spend on cosmetics right now, and been 100% sure she wouldn't ask me to buy anything else. It was a friendship, not a business relationship.

[hoosier80]

Well, I'm trying to figure out how to handle something that could easily start WWIII.  

Back at Thanksgiving, while going to an event, brother went on a rant about me.  It was over something pretty trivial.  I probably shouldn't have said anything.  While I do have a right to express myself, I should've known better.  Anyhow, it was so bad that I was downloading an Uber app to get myself back to Mom's, pack my stuff, and leave right then.  I decided to suck it up, and I even treated her to brunch the next day.  She never said one word about the vulgar and hateful things my brother said (right in front of her).  I'm sure she thinks that I just brought it all upon myself.

So forward ahead a few days and I get a nasty, nasty email from brother.  He'd sent it to my home and work, so I'm sitting at work (it was around 5 p.m.) crying.  I was tempted to respond, but I was like nah, rise above his level of spitefulness.  He would not under any circumstances accept a gift from me.  Well, it was already purchased; if he doesn't want it, I'll donate to Goodwill and get a receipt for taxes.  

About a week later, Mom is all upset, crying and crying to me on the phone.  She'd asked him what he wanted for Christmas - NOTHING!  I guess he had a hissy fit.  She always makes a big to do over Christmas, so he was "ruining" it for her.  Didn't include me in the ruining, so there's a Christmas miracle.  Not sure if it was then or later that he said well if you want me to get stuff then I guess I will (meaning for me, I think).  He's super cheap, too.  Squeezes the nickel so hard the buffalo takes a shit.

Mom had been complaining for a while about one former Christmas gift he'd purchased.  He made a big to do of getting it, then it never worked right.  I should add that we always have gone 50/50 for gifts for Mom.  I always have to clear whatever I want to buy first, while he goes ahead and gets whatever he thinks is right.  So, he was tired of hearing about bad purchase from years ago, and got a replacement, telling Mom, that's part of your Christmas (presents).  I'd not heard a word from him regarding what to get Mom for Christmas; after he gets his big purchase (total around $80), he emails me.  Sure he did, he wanted me to split the cost.  Whatever.  I'd already gone ahead and had some presents (from back in October).  He then adds, I don't know what else to get, so I listed what I'd purchased, along with a link for something I was thinking of order (small item, which might help her day to day).  Not a word.

I get an email tonight, well over a week later.  Not a word regarding what I'd purchased, nor other suggestions I had.  He wrote that he had no idea what else to get her; he was going to send a letter (email I guess) for a contractor to do some work for her, and he'd just "eat" the cost of the earlier gift because he'd made a poor choice.

His total amount he quoted would be well over what I've purchased.  Asshole is trying to one up me with presents.  I ran out to a couple of stores tonight, got a few things (some I can keep in reserve based upon what he does or doesn't do).  I mean he'd be outspending me by hundreds of dollars; ironically, I'm much more financially stable than he is now (tables have turned drastically within the past 10 or so years).  Not sure what he's so angry about; his email where he listed what he was going to do - he said if she doesn't like that then I'll just pay for the entire contractor job (really angry and bitter).  I'm tempted to email back saying you go ahead with what you want to do, I've already made purchases of my own since I didn't hear back from you, and Christmas is less than one week away.  Not sure how it will play out.  Mom is stressing and throwing anvils like "oh my friend, who's family gets along great", and "oh I know this Christmas will be awful".  I'm almost tempted to stay home, find an excuse, but I think he will make it miserable for her.  I thought it would be awkward as hell if I am there and he's there, but as a friend told me, he probably won't show up if you're there.  True enough.  He's done that on multiple holidays already.    I just do not know if I should respond, how to respond, or just let it go and ignore him.

Is it New Year's yet?  I'm really ready to be done with the holidays.

Hero, I have had a similar situation.  Not with the driver's license, but with anything where I tried out, Mom would always say "don't get your hopes up".  Not good luck, I know you'll do fine, you'll do you best and that's what's important, but "don't get your hopes up".  Now some were bad ideas - pom pom squad in high school - can't dance, no dance training.  But I got a call back later, so not too horrible.  I passed on it because out of my league, tbh.  But I can sing, I knew it and took voice lessons on my own dime as an adult.  I tried out for a large group here; audition went great.  I knew I killed it.  Mom said "don't get your hopes up".  She was shocked, I tell you shocked, because I made it.  I found out later that other members had tried multiple times to get in and failed.  I asked later, why were you so discouraging?  "I just didn't want your feelings to be hurt when you didn't make it".  So she basically thought because she could never do whatever, that I could never possibly do it.  She was pushing her failures and limitations on me.  Later on now, she's said I think you should have gone into music as a career.  Well, I'm in my late 50's, so a little too late now.  I suppose I could, but not too realistic.  And the kicker, when I was active in a couple of musical organizations, I was told (by Mom), spending too much time on that and not on my "chores".  Hello, I'm an adult, paying my bills, have my own home, so basically not your business at this point.  I was told I was disrespectful when I said that, and I was acting "so big".  It's always been that way.  My achievements are never much or it's almost as if she's jealous.  I now just try to let it go, see it for what it is.   When people are so mean, they have an underlying reason I think which has to do with them, not you.

[AgentRXS]

35 minutes ago, hoosier80 said:

I just do not know if I should respond, how to respond, or just let it go and ignore him.

Just let it go and ignore him.  Let him spend his money on whatever he wants to get her, and give the gifts you've already purchased. Tough shit if your mom doesn't like it or if it doesn't live up to anyone elses standards.

The way the both of them have been treating you, they should consider themselves lucky that you are even visiting for Christmas. I remember you posting about the Thanksgiving fiasco; if I were you, I wouldn't even be going there for Christmas. Your mother and brother don't deserve a daughter/sister like you.

[Mindthinkr]

1 hour ago, hoosier80 said:

He's super cheap, too.  Squeezes the nickel so hard the buffalo takes a shit.

I'm sorry, but that broke me out into spontaneous laughter. 

I think AgentRXS gave you some good advice. If you will never be good enough for them (in their minds and this is their problem) then give up on it. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who don't love and appreciate you. You have tried and done everything that you can think of. No guilt please. Go through the motions if you must but you are worth so much more than they give you credit for. You have done very well for yourself and they might be acting out on it because of jealousy. I'm sorry that you are dreading the holidays with them. You never know. The Christmas Angels might protect you and you'll have a good time. All of this fighting before might have cleared the air. I just wish the best for you. 

[mamadani]

I'm upset right now that my step daughter's mom is getting her nothing for Christmas. She has the money for it but I know it will be spent entirely on her oldest daughter like it always is. She knows my step daughter is struggling right now and she won't even cough up $5. 

Thats okay because her dad and I are getting her something she asked for and her mamaw has her several gift cards.

[Mindthinkr]

5 minutes ago, mamadani said:

I'm upset right now that my step daughter's mom is getting her nothing for Christmas. She has the money for it but I know it will be spent entirely on her oldest daughter like it always is. She knows my step daughter is struggling right now and she won't even cough up $5. 

Thats okay because her dad and I are getting her something she asked for and her mamaw has her several gift cards.

Sadly some people have never learned it's better to give than to receive. 

My grandchildren only have one cousin and he lives nearby them. I see him every time the whole family gets together. My daughter doesn't understand why I give him a gift as everyone in their family (SIL's side) buys this boy a gift but nothing ever for my 3 grandchildren. She said he already gets the most presents and never says thank you. I told her I do it because I give out of kindness. (TBH I'd never want him to feel left out by me) That my joy is in the giving. She's shaking her head. 

Do what makes you feel good. The fact that you care and your love are your step-daughter's best gifts. 

[mamadani]

@Mindthinkr I try to show her how much I love and appreciate her as much as I can. I think it's what she really needs right now and I think she's more willing to accept advice from me because I'm not her grandmother or dad lol

[Mindthinkr]

Just now, mamadani said:

@Mindthinkr I try to show her how much I love and appreciate her as much as I can. I think it's what she really needs right now and I think she's more willing to accept advice from me because I'm not her grandmother or dad lol

She's lucky to have you in her life. Isn't that something that we all want? To be liked and accepted? 

[hoosier80]

The saga continues.  Apparently, he's relented and got me a couple of gift cards.  Wow, such thought put into it.  He's just doing it to appease mom.  Whatever, I'll take the gift cards.  LOL.  

So then he unloads this gem to Mom - he's been undergoing medical tests (which is always - sort of a hypochondriac) and it's all been rooted back to stress.  What happened a year or so back, he underwent every test in the book, they found absolutely nothing, even after retests.  Nothing.  Said you're stressing yourself out.  Now, he said he won't drive us (me and Mom) anywhere over Christmas, to any events we normally attend.  Mom told him well she (me) doesn't say a word in the car (true, I'm on my phone, playing games to keep quiet).  He's blaming me for his stress.   I don't interact with him - the blow up at Thanksgiving was a one off - because he rarely says more than two words to me.  Mom is having a fit, going to tell him if he still does that, he doesn't need to come by period.  After I listened to her go off, which she rambled on about every beef or slight she's ever endured (a good hour or more), I was like is he about to lose it?  I had visions of him getting violent.  Then, I was like, nah, he's basically a wuss.  I don't think he'll come over and he won't mind it one bit.  He's content to stay at home in his very well ordered and contained world.  He has to have everything so precise, I think he's bordering on OCD.  

I'm probably going, and just going to be super nice to Mom.  That he can't suck it up for a few hours is mind boggling.  I will remain mum if he's around, which I normally do, so not a big deal.  

I've also thought that Mom has drive a wedge between us, but it's been this way for a long time, so I'm not real hopeful that anything can be repaired at this point.  He was always the straight A student (I was honor roll and high honors at times but if I didn't like the subject matter, I'd blow off and do enough to get maybe B+ or A- work - he was driven to always be perfect), so he's always thought he's absolutely right.  His ways of doing stuff is the ONLY way, so for him to admit he's done anything wrong in this mess is not happening.  I'll admit to my faults, but he never does.   Oh well.  Just probably going to go and try to make it as good as I can.

[Mindthinkr]

Wrong thread. 

Edited December 22, 2017 by Mindthinkr

[Blergh]

Well, I got through the family milestone without getting into any arguments with The Ranter despite their best efforts (including attempting to blame me for the possibility of their being late for the airport ). What a relief!

[Mindthinkr]

Well I hope all of you have made it through the start of the holidays unscathed. 

I was supposed to drive up to my daughters today to go my son-in-laws Aunt and Uncles and join 30 other family members on his side for a big dinner and holiday celebration. I actually was just too exhausted and didn't think that I'd be up to doing the chit chat with everyone so I have stayed home alone. It's a good decision for me. I will drive up there tomorrow am. I know my daughter will be angry with me but I haven't had a night alone in over two weeks and desperately needed the quiet and rest. It will be worth the small spat. 

Happy Holidays

[HoosierJen]

My daughter -- a senior in college -- came home for her Christmas break and told me that she and her boyfriend are expecting. While it isn't the exact way she saw her life going, I'm absolutely thrilled at the idea of having another little one in the family (my first grandchild!). I'm also thrilled because my daughter has had some health issues and both she and I had our doubts that she would ever be able to get pregnant -- I'm so happy that fertility issues aren't a struggle she will have to face. She hasn't told anybody else yet and wants to wait until after the holidays, mainly because she doesn't want to make it all about her. My issue is this -- my family is incredibly conservative Christian, and I know they will have issues with the fact that she is unmarried. My fear is that they will be critical and judgmental and ignore the positives -- that this is a new life to love and that when the baby is born she will be 22 years old with a college degree fresh in hand, which I think is a pretty good start. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when she tells everyone because I feel like the first sign of negativity will cause me to cut that relative out of my life -- if you can't be happy, then stay the hell away from me. 

I think I just wanted to put that all on here because I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about it for another week or two, and I just wanted to share those thoughts with someone. Thank you, kind and anonymous internet neighbors, for listening. And since this is the only place I can say it -- I'm Gonna Be A Grandma!!!!!!!!

[theredhead77]

@HoosierJen Congratulations!

You can't control the way others are going to react. Your family is either going to react as expected, or surprise you but there is nothing you can do about it other than support your daughter.

[auntlada]

@HoosierJen, first, congratulations! This may not be what you or your daughter planned, but she does appear to be ready to handle things (degree, hopefully a good job, etc.). She's not 15, for instance, which makes a huge difference.

Regarding your family, it will make a difference if they are conservative Christian and nice, loving people or if they are conservative Christian and jerks. I admit that I am more familiar with the first but know the latter are out there. Our music minister's daughter got pregnant, and as far as I know, no one said a thing against her -- at least not out loud. And I'm Southern Baptist, largely regarded by others as judgmental and not nice. People supported her at least publicly regardless of their personal feelings, and eventually she and the father married eventually and now have two more children. They are all still very active members of the church. I suspect the primary response was to pray for her and the father and the baby, and not in a judgmental, you're-going-to-hell way, but in a please-help-them-make-good-decisions-and-be-able-able-to-take-care-of-things way. I'm not saying that right, but I'm not sure I have the right words. So it comes down to, is your family nice or not, regardless of political or religious leanings?

Are your daughter and her boyfriend planning to marry at any point? That may also make a difference. I don't believe they should just because of a baby because I've seen too many do that and then divorce a few years later because they were not people who should have married each other or they were not prepared for marriage. Some people do think that, though. You should be prepared for the question and have an answer. You will probably get it from random other people as well even if it is none of their business (like me). (You don't have to answer my questions. I know it is none of my business. I am insatiably curious about things.)

The fact that your daughter wanted to wait until after Christmas because she didn't want to make the holiday all about her speaks very well of her. She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders.

Congratulations again to both you and her.

(There's a good chance this has happened before in the extended family, and people just didn't talk about it.)