Small Talk: "I'll Take Non-Show Chat For $400, Alex."

[suebee12]

Here is one more!

 

[Prevailing Wind]

My cats and I have come back home. My brother schlepped us and all of our stuff back into the condo. I complain about him, but, basically, he's a good man, even if he does have weird politics.

[saber5055]

Welcome home, PW, and back to the living. Are you off the oxygen yet? If I were staying with someone with weird politics, I might have to go on oxygen.* Nothing personal against your brother!

*Or whatever Dennis Hopper was breathing in Blue Velvet.

Edited May 8, 2020 by saber5055

[Prevailing Wind]

YESS!!  Off the oxygen. Easing back on pain meds, too! (Although, it's only ibuprofen.) Thanks for the support re weird politics.

[saber5055]

Happy Mother's Day to the readers and posters here who are moms. I hope you are having a nice day. And those of us who have moms, I hope they are being appreciated today as well.

[zoey1996]

PW, sorry to hear about your medical problems, but glad you're at home now and doing better.

I need to catch up on this thread more frequently, for sure.

[suebee12]

Happy Thursday! Ready for a couple more funnies?

[saber5055]

Ha ha ha, good ones @suebee12. I especially like the cab one.

And since it's another Jokey Jokey Thursday, here are a few more to brighten your day.

First, did any of you toss a jar of mayonnaise in a lake or pond last week? After all, it was Cinco de Mayo.

When I opened the fridge this morning, the mayo yelled at me: "Close the door! I'm dressing!"

Because that store-bought mayo was so cranky at me, I decided to make my own. But it wasn't worth the wisk.

Then when I was taking a walk today, someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me and hit me in the head. I turned around and yelled, "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?"

At the beginning of this pandemic I resolved to lose 10 pounds. And I’m happy to report that I only have 15 more to go.

Now for some that are sure to appeal to our science-minded posters ...

You know what they do when chemists die, don’t you? They barium.

Do I know any good jokes about sodium? Na.

A scientist tells the pharmacist, “Give me some acetylsalicylic acid.” The pharmacist says, “You mean aspirin.” The scientist says, “Oh yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that name.”

I’d tell you more chemistry jokes but the good ones argon.

And finally ... My husband and I can never agree on vacations. I want to go to exotic islands; he wants to come with me.

Edited May 15, 2020 by saber5055

[saber5055]

Because I’m late for Jokey Jokey Thursday (where is @suebee12?), I’ll start with this one: A man was late for work. Boss: “You should have been here at 8:30.” Man: “Really? What happened at 8:30?”

Now a few for numbers fans. What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.

Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? He knew he’d have to convert.

Why is the math book so depressed? It has a lot of problems.

Now for a brain cleanser before the bar jokes start: Moses is on top of Mount Sinai and he said to God, “I have a pounding headache, can you please help me.” God said to Moses, “Here, take these two tablets.”

Two ladies walk into a bar, talking with a interesting accent. Bartender says, “Are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them says, “It’s Wales, dummy.” Bartender says, “Okay, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?” The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

Here's one for Latin geeks. Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

And finally, because it's already rained some eight inches here and is going to rain for the next three days ... A man had been on death row eight years and he just lost his last appeal. The execution day arrived, and after the priest had read to him, the hangman escorted him from his cell into the courtyard. The man is downhearted. “I don’t believe it, of all the days to be hung, it’s pouring down rain.” The hangman replied, “Well, it’s all right for you, I gotta walk back in it.”

[suebee12]

4 hours ago, saber5055 said:

Because I’m late for Jokey Jokey Thursday (where is @suebee12?),

Oops, I forgot it was Thursday!!!!

How about a Christmas theme?

And just a couple more funnies!

[saber5055]

With apologies to all, it's Jokey Jokey Thursday again. I know ... where does the time go. No joke!

Meanwhile, I've been seeing commercials for a new My Pillow on tv. This one is a corduroy pillow. It's really making headlines.

I bought some coconut shampoo on Amazon the other day. Then when it arrived, I realized I don’t have a coconut.

I bought a thesarus at the same time, but all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe my anger.

I also ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

(I've been busy shopping online ...)

A man asked the manager of KFC, “How do you prepare your chicken.” The manager replied, “It’s pretty simple, we just tell them they’re going to die.”

(I know ... not funny)

Summer vacation was over, and the teacher asked Johnny about his family vacation trip. Johnny: “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.” Teacher: “Good. Can you tell the class how to spell that?” Johnny hesitates, then says: “Actually, we went to Ohio.”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

Two conspiracy theorists walked into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.

My therapist says I have schizophrenia. Jokes on him. I don't have a therapist.

My boyfriend thinks I have schizophrenia. Which is funny, because I don't have a boyfriend.

If you suffer from schizophrenia, just remember you're not alone.

I hate the stigma around mental health. As soon as I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends quit talking to me.

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change. The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I’m not coming back, either."

See ya'll next week. Meanwhile, my friends and I will be hanging out at the bar ordering stuff from Amazon. I need to buy my boyfriend a present! Toodles.

Edited May 28, 2020 by saber5055

[suebee12]

Thursday again? Whoa, times flies when  you are having fun!!

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A: A stick.

Q:  What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A:  A cab.

Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender. “I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.

Q. What does a cat have that no other animal has? A. Kittens.

Q. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? A. Mini-soda!

Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.

Q: Why should you never date tennis players? A: Love means nothing to them.

The boating store was having a big sale on canoes. It was quite the oar deal.

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!

Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

[saber5055]

I'm going to have to delete four from my future-jokes-to-post file. Now they are your fault, not mine @suebee12!

[Driad]

An old one:  What will go up the chimney down, but will not go down the chimney up?

[saber5055]

I know that one! I might have hurt my brain coming up with it though. ("Up" with it. Ha ha me.)

[suebee12]

I remembered, I remembered...it is Thursday again!

Edited June 4, 2020 by suebee12

[suebee12]

Now for a couple short funnies!

"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"

"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"

"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."

"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."

"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"

"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."

"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."

"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."

"This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."

"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."

[saber5055]

I know it's Jokey Jokey Thursday, but there is nothing funny about today or this week where I live. So JJT is on sabbatical until I can find something, anything, to smile about. Meanwhile, be careful everyone.

[Mindthinkr]

Just dropping by to wish @Browncoat a Happy Birthday 🎊 

[Browncoat]

Thank you, @Mindthinkr!

ETA: I took myself to Red Lobster (take-out) for lunch, and included one of their giant pieces of chocolate cake.  And I am not the least bit embarrassed to admit I ate the whole thing in addition to the actual food.  I am also not embarrassed to admit I cadged extra biscuits because birthday!

I may not need to eat again until Monday.

Edited June 6, 2020 by Browncoat

[saber5055]

[Browncoat]

That is funny, @saber5055, and not only because I had a very similar cake IRL once upon a time.  It didn't have a lobster, but it did have "icebergs" made of white-frosted brownies on top of a chocolate cake.  The penguin on that one was standing on one of the icebergs.

[nokat]

How did I not know about this forum and how funny you all are? I needed the laughs, thank you.
 

[Clanstarling]

On 6/6/2020 at 8:30 AM, Browncoat said:

Thank you, @Mindthinkr!

ETA: I took myself to Red Lobster (take-out) for lunch, and included one of their giant pieces of chocolate cake.  And I am not the least bit embarrassed to admit I ate the whole thing in addition to the actual food.  I am also not embarrassed to admit I cadged extra biscuits because birthday!

I may not need to eat again until Monday.

That's what I tell myself when I over indulge. I'm always wrong.  Kind of like when I tell myself I won't eat the whole pint of ice cream (as I sit there, spooning it out of the carton)

[saber5055]

3 hours ago, Clanstarling said:

Kind of like when I tell myself I won't eat the whole pint of ice cream (as I sit there, spooning it out of the carton)

Just fyi, one pint of Häagen Daz can be eaten in its entirety during my 45-minute drive home from the grocery. I've tested this many times, just to make sure it's true.

[Prevailing Wind]

57 minutes ago, saber5055 said:

Just fyi, one pint of Häagen Daz can be eaten in its entirety during my 45-minute drive home from the grocery. I've tested this many times, just to make sure it's true.

That's because it's not a pint. It's 14 ounces.  And because of those 2 fewer ounces, I no longer feel guilty about eating the entire carton at once.

[saber5055]

50 minutes ago, Prevailing Wind said:

That's because it's not a pint. It's 14 ounces.  And because of those 2 fewer ounces, I no longer feel guilty about eating the entire carton at once.

Let's not mention how I managed to devour one-half of a 1.5 quart container of pistachio ice cream on my drive home last week. (It was SO GOOD!)

There are pluses and minuses to living 40 miles from any town of consequence.

[nokat]

3 hours ago, saber5055 said:

Let's not mention how I managed to devour one-half of a 1.5 quart container of pistachio ice cream on my drive home last week. (It was SO GOOD!)

I don't know what it is about eating ice cream out of the carton. It just tastes better for some reason. I tend to prefer vanilla so I can add chocolate chips or nuts because I for one don't like the soggy nuts in ice cream and have my own favorite chocolate chips.
 

[Clanstarling]

37 minutes ago, nokat said:

I don't know what it is about eating ice cream out of the carton. It just tastes better for some reason. I tend to prefer vanilla so I can add chocolate chips or nuts because I for one don't like the soggy nuts in ice cream and have my own favorite chocolate chips.
 

I like scraping the spoon around the softer ice cream on the edges. Harder to do in a bowl, though it can be achieved with enough determination.

[saber5055]

38 minutes ago, nokat said:

I tend to prefer vanilla so I can add chocolate chips or nuts

Vanilla RULES!

[saber5055]

3 minutes ago, Clanstarling said:

Harder to do in a bowl, though it can be achieved with enough determination.

Spoon on bowl is a audio signal to dogs that treat is coming.

[Prevailing Wind]

18 hours ago, saber5055 said:

Spoon on bowl is a audio signal to dogs that treat is coming.

Some cats, too.

[Trey]

My husband died Thursday morning.  He was getting pretty good at Jeopardy and would often ask me what "the boards" had to say about the game. So he was a member-once-removed of this board:)

I kept to our usual routine of watching Jeopardy at 6:30 pm. It helped with my sanity.

I will see you all at the start of the new season.  Best wishes to all of you.

[BuckeyeLou]

1 hour ago, Trey said:

My husband died Thursday morning.  He was getting pretty good at Jeopardy and would often ask me what "the boards" had to say about the game. So he was a member-once-removed of this board:)

I kept to our usual routine of watching Jeopardy at 6:30 pm. It helped with my sanity.

I will see you all at the start of the new season.  Best wishes to all of you.

I'm so sorry to hear this, sending Condolences to a fellow board member.

[Browncoat]

I am so sorry, @Trey.

[Prevailing Wind]

{{{{HUGS}}}} to Trey.

[peeayebee]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Trey.

[saber5055]

[zoey1996]

Trey, I am so sorry to read of your loss.

[lb60]

Very sorry for your loss, Trey.

[Clanstarling]

I'm so sorry Trey.

[nokat]

On Saturday, June 13, 2020 at 6:40 AM, Trey said:

My husband died Thursday morning.  He was getting pretty good at Jeopardy and would often ask me what "the boards" had to say about the game. So he was a member-once-removed of this board:)

I kept to our usual routine of watching Jeopardy at 6:30 pm. It helped with my sanity.

I will see you all at the start of the new season.  Best wishes to all of you.

So sorry for your loss, Trey. 
 

[Ailianna]

I'm very sorry.  My condolences and prayers.

[Bliss]

On 6/13/2020 at 9:40 AM, Trey said:

My husband died Thursday morning.  He was getting pretty good at Jeopardy and would often ask me what "the boards" had to say about the game. So he was a member-once-removed of this board:)

I kept to our usual routine of watching Jeopardy at 6:30 pm. It helped with my sanity.

I will see you all at the start of the new season.  Best wishes to all of you.

Haven't been here in what seems like forever, and so sorry to read this, Trey. Please accept my condolences. Sending you some Canuck love and a cyber hug.

[Trey]

Thank you all so much for your responses. 

I hope Jokey Jokey Thursday will return eventually.

[Mindthinkr]

@Trey My condolences on your loss. 

[suebee1212]

HI Everyone! My old computer died the other night😢I found a great rebuilt one and had it delivered...Great computer BUT somehow, it lost Primetimer for me! So I reapplied and added a "12" to my name and I am back!!! Thanks to @saber5055 for the Jeopardy game and coming in 5th made me quite proud!

1 hour ago, Trey said:

I hope Jokey Jokey Thursday will return eventually

SO since I am happy to be back and happy for my 5th place finish, I am leaving you with this...A Jokey, Jokey Friday!!

What kind of shoes does a frog wear? 

Open toad sandals!!!!!!

[peeayebee]

[groan] 😄

[saber5055]

On 7/3/2020 at 10:59 AM, Trey said:

I hope Jokey Jokey Thursday will return eventually.

Out of respect for my friend @Trey, I honor her request for the return of Jokey Jokey Thursday. Because it's Thursday AGAIN, gang. How does that happen every week?

First, to comment on @suebee1212's toad joke, last week I was sitting in the kitchen and a toad the size of a man's fist hopped across the floor. WTH! I caught it in a bucket, and that's when I learned toads have hands with fingers so they can jump up and grasp the top edge of any container they are in. I shook it back down and took it outside to live beyond my back-yard fence. This one is not a joke!

I also have a frog that lives in my back yard. I ran over it once with the mower, and thank goodness it lived to hop away with all legs intact. The next time I mowed, it hopped out of the yard when I started the mower. Conclusion: Frogs are not stupid. Again: Not a joke. So it's safe to keep reading if you dare.

I read in the Media thread the comments about Cheech Marin. I do know smoking pot causes short-term memory loss. Next thing you know, they’ll say smoking pot causes short-term memory loss.

I’m not saying it’s bad here on Earth right now, but NASA is reporting that aliens flying by our planet are locking their doors.

I had lunch at an outside restaurant last weekend. Two Karens were at the next table. The waiter stopped by and asked them, “Is anything okay?”

Because of this Coronavirus, I’ve been washing my hands so much, this morning I found the answers to an old eight-grade math quiz. If I had five dollars for every math test I failed, I’d have 37 dollars.

I told my doctor I am having trouble hearing. He said, “Well, can you describe the symptoms.” I said, “Sure, Bart’s a wise guy, Marge has blue hair, Homer’s kinda chubby ...”

Woman says, “Doctor, for eight months now my husband thinks he’s a lawnmower.” Doctor says, “Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?” Lady says, “Well, the neighbor just returned him this morning.”

Woman says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a chicken.” Doctor says, “Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?” She says, “Well, we needed the eggs.”

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression. I said, “Sure.” So he shouts, “NOT THE CRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” And he said, “Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

Now send the kids away or shield their eyes so you don't have to explain these PG-14-rated jokes.

Broccoli says, “Hey, look at me, I’m a tree!” The mushroom says, “Wow, I look just like an umbrella!” The banana says, “Let’s talk about sports.”

Young guy at the pharmacy buying his first pack of condoms. Pharmacist says, “That’ll be 10 dollars and 35 cents including tax.” The guy says, “Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves.”

And finally this one, which is guaranteed to make every 12-year-old boy laugh:

Do you know what a dinosaur fart is called? A blast from the past.

That's all folks. Heading back into hibernation now ...

Edited July 9, 2020 by saber5055

[BuckeyeLou]

2 hours ago, saber5055 said:

Out of respect for my friend @Trey, I honor her request for the return of Jokey Jokey Thursday. Because it's Thursday AGAIN, gang. How does that happen every week?

First, to comment on @suebee1212's toad joke, last week I was sitting in the kitchen and a toad the size of a man's fist hopped across the floor. WTH! I caught it in a bucket, and that's when I learned toads have hands with fingers so they can jump up and grasp the top edge of any container they are in. I shook it back down and took it outside to live beyond my back-yard fence. This one is not a joke!

I also have a frog that lives in my back yard. I ran over it once with the mower, and thank goodness it lived to hop away with all legs intact. The next time I mowed, it hopped out of the yard when I started the mower. Conclusion: Frogs are not stupid. Again: Not a joke. So it's safe to keep reading if you dare.

I read in the Media thread the comments about Cheech Marin. I do know smoking pot causes short-term memory loss. Next thing you know, they’ll say smoking pot causes short-term memory loss.

I’m not saying it’s bad here on Earth right now, but NASA is reporting that aliens flying by our planet are locking their doors.

I had lunch at an outside restaurant last weekend. Two Karens were at the next table. The waiter stopped by and asked them, “Is anything okay?”

Because of this Coronavirus, I’ve been washing my hands so much, this morning I found the answers to an old eight-grade math quiz. If I had five dollars for every math test I failed, I’d have 37 dollars.

I told my doctor I am having trouble hearing. He said, “Well, can you describe the symptoms.” I said, “Sure, Bart’s a wise guy, Marge has blue hair, Homer’s kinda chubby ...”

Woman says, “Doctor, for eight months now my husband thinks he’s a lawnmower.” Doctor says, “Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?” Lady says, “Well, the neighbor just returned him this morning.”

Woman says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a chicken.” Doctor says, “Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?” She says, “Well, we needed the eggs.”

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression. I said, “Sure.” So he shouts, “NOT THE CRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” And he said, “Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

Now send the kids away or shield their eyes so you don't have to explain these PG-14-rated jokes.

Broccoli says, “Hey, look at me, I’m a tree!” The mushroom says, “Wow, I look just like an umbrella!” The banana says, “Let’s talk about sports.”

Young guy at the pharmacy buying his first pack of condoms. Pharmacist says, “That’ll be 10 dollars and 35 cents including tax.” The guy says, “Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves.”

And finally this one, which is guaranteed to make every 12 year old laugh:

Do you know what a dinosaur fart is called? A blast from the past.

That's all folks. Heading back into hibernation now ...

Wow: the toad in your house! Maybe he was looking for a cool spot to hang out 🙂