Pet Peeves: Aka Things That Make You Go "Gah!"

[wilsie]

 

For some strange reason my daughter and I have always loved the actor Jere Burns (I know you're all thinking "who"), I don't know why we like him so much but we always have.

Even though we know his name we always call him "that guy from the show who was in that movie with the camera".

Maharincess, I remember him very well from "Dear John"

[Maharincess]

I don't know anybody who knows his name. When people see him they say "oh...THAT guy". Like I said, I don't know why my daughter and I like him so much but we always have.

[Bastet]

His name has always stuck in my memory because of the unusual spelling; if he was Jerry Burns, he'd probably be "that guy from the radio station episode of Remington Steele and that Judd Hirsch show" to me.

[JTMacc99]

As for not liking chit chat and small talk, count me in with those who dislike it. I hate being the center of attention and would rather blend in with the woodwork.

 

We were at my husband's Xmas party for work a couple of years ago, I didn't want to go and was anxious all day.

 

We get there and sit down, nobody is paying much attention to me other than to say hello which is how I like it. My husband's friend and his wife sat next to us, she proceeded to ask me very loud questions. Every time she'd ask me something every person at our big table would turn and look at me. I hated every second of it.

With our company Christmas party coming up next week, I was just thinking about this sort of thing. I particular, I was thinking that it will be nice to spend a couple hours with some of the people here in a social setting where we aren't talking about work or in some sort of rush to get back to work.

 

And then I wondered if a couple of them were going to bring their significant others, and a big chunk of my positive attitude just disappeared. To be fair, some employees bring somebody who is actually far MORE interesting to the party, but usually it adds an entire layer of complexity to what are relatively simple relationships I have with my coworkers. 

 

Sometimes I feel bad for the spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend being dragged into a huge party where they might know a couple other people just from stories they've heard about them.  Sometimes I feel bad for the employee who feels obligated to stick right by his or her guest's side the whole party, essentially preventing any possible interesting or in depth conversations with coworkers that might leave the guest feeling left out. 

 

Perhaps I'm just projecting my own past experiences of bringing along a guest to parties where I knew everybody and she did not and vice versa. But I think it's less that I'm assuming they're experiencing what I did, and more that I'm recognizing the signs and wish it weren't going down that way.

 

The way I see it, nobody should feel obligated to bring a guest to an office party, and nobody should feel obligated to go to an office party for his or her significant other.  If you want to go, or if you're the introvert and you think your extrovert partner would enjoy it, then by all means go.  

 

But it bothers me a lot to know that people feel like they have to bring a guest because of some sort of work norm.  

[33kaitykaity]

Pet peeve for today for me was a tailgater.  Yep.  I live in sort of rural Oregon, not far out of Portland, but lots of dark, windy, hilly roads.  Had to school the truck behind me twice -- slowed down to about 15 below the speed limit to give me ample space to speed up and leave it behind and show it the distance I wanted from them behind me from the distance I was behind the car in front of me.  The second time I did it, they're flashing their brights at me and glued to my bumper and being all kinds of stupid, but then I think the person with them got on their shit because for the next three or so miles, that truck was a decent distance behind me.  Hee.  

Edited December 5, 2015 by 33kaitykaity

[Maharincess]

I don't know if this is a peeve or me just being mad but I just found out that my favorite used book store is closing in January.

I've been buying, selling and trading books there since I was a teenager. It's a cool little place that smelled so good. They have every book imaginable and if they don't have it, they'll find it for you.

I'm a preferred customer so I got a notice about the closure and an invitation to come to the close out sale an hour before the store opens. There will be about 20 of us who get to go in early. I'm excited about that but I'm going to miss this place so much. I've spent hours at a time browsing that store.

I hate that all of these small businesses are closing.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Maharincess

[ratgirlagogo]

 

Of course the cover wasn't blue. Sometimes I even ask if they know what color the cover is, if they can even tell me ONE thing about it. It would help me to do a search. Sometimes humor helped.  And it also helped that by looking at someone, I would know which approach to use. Important thing to remember was not to condescend.

Ah, Reader's Advisory 101.  You'd be surprised how many librarians suck at it (not all librarians are readers, first of all).  Paying attention to the reader and not condescending are probably the most important thing.  

 

About 25 years ago I was helping out for the day in a children's room in upper Manhattan (back in the day we used to have to fill in at different locations at least once a week - for better or for worse, we  do it much less these days).  A man who looked to be in his mid fifties came up to the desk and said, "I'm looking for a book.  A book I read when I was a kid.  A book about a duck. It had a green cover.  Do you have that book?"

 

Was I stumped?  Yes I was.  But I thought, given this man's age, it must have been a book published before 1945 and I can only think of two books about ducks that would qualify - Angus and the Ducks, and The Story About Ping, both by Marjorie Flack,who must have liked ducks.  I went to the shelf and found a copy of The Story About Ping (not surprising since it's a classic picture book) and brought it to the man.  His eyes went wide.  " You DO have that book!  I can't BELIEVE you just walked over and found it!"  

Every time this man saw me in a branch of the library for ever after (he died about four years ago) he would tell anyone that would listen what a GENIUS I was.  Which I wasn't of course.  Just lucky.  

Edited December 5, 2015 by ratgirlagogo

[bilgistic]

That's kind of heartbreaking, Maharincess. I find it ironic that this "global" economy we have ourselves now eliminates jobs next door. I'm guilty of not buying enough locally, except for food. Heh.

Edited December 5, 2015 by bilgistic

[harrie]

I don't know if this is a peeve or me just being mad but I just found out that my favorite used book store is closing in January.

I've been buying, selling and trading books there since I was a teenager. It's a cool little place that smelled so good. They have every book imaginable and if they don't have it, they'll find it for you.

I'm a preferred customer so I got a notice about the closure and an invitation to come to the close out sale an hour before the store opens. There will be about 20 of us who get to go in early. I'm excited about that but I'm going to miss this place so much. I've spent hours at a time browsing that store.

I hate that all of these small businesses are closing.

 

 

That's kind of heartbreaking, Maharincess. I find it ironic that this "global" economy we have ourselves now eliminates jobs next door. I'm guilty of not buying enough locally, except for food. Heh.

 

I agree - and it seems like no matter how hard people try to support local businesses, lots of them just don't make it.  The place I work is a small publishing house, and we sell to - among other stores - that mega-website that might remind you of Greek warrior women or that big river in South America.  There is more than one reason it is called the Walmart of the web.  In addition to not treating employees well, they make their suppliers jump through hoop after hoop after hoop; and since they are the 800-pound gorilla, we pretty much have to take it if we want to continue to make money from that source.  Things being the way they are, it's a good chunk of money, despite their charge-backs and billing for ridiculous little things - they'll nick you wherever they can - so we stay on the treadmill.  At least for now. 

 

I can't emphasize enough: If you like a local company, store or whatever, support the crap out of them; in many cases, they desperately need it.*

 

*Which is not to imply that I think you didn't support your bookstore, Maharincess.  I realized it might read that way, and that is not at all what I meant.  

Edited December 5, 2015 by harrie

[harrie]

Ah, Reader's Advisory 101.  You'd be surprised how many librarians suck at it (not all librarians are readers, first of all).  Paying attention to the reader and not condescending are probably the most important thing.  

 

About 25 years ago I was helping out for the day in a children's room in upper Manhattan (back in the day we used to have to fill in at different locations at least once a week - for better or for worse, we  do it much less these days).  A man who looked to be in his mid fifties came up to the desk and said, "I'm looking for a book.  A book I read when I was a kid.  A book about a duck. It had a green cover.  Do you have that book?"

 

Was I stumped?  Yes I was.  But I thought, given this man's age, it must have been a book published before 1945 and I can only think of two books about ducks that would qualify - Angus and the Ducks, and The Story About Ping, both by Marjorie Flack,who must have liked ducks.  I went to the shelf and found a copy of The Story About Ping (not surprising since it's a classic picture book) and brought it to the man.  His eyes went wide.  " You DO have that book!  I can't BELIEVE you just walked over and found it!"  

Every time this man saw me in a branch of the library for ever after (he died about four years ago) he would tell anyone that would listen what a GENIUS I was.  Which I wasn't of course.  Just lucky.  

 

Ha!  For me it's an old children's book - yellow cloth cover with red lettering and a dachshund rolled around in a circle.  (It's not Pretzel by the Curious George lady.) For the life of me, I can't remember the title, but it was one word - I think the dog's name (Doxie?  too easy)

 

I also have very fond memories of Harry the Dirty Dog; The House on East 88th Street (in which we meet Lyle, Lyle Crocodile); and Harold and the Purple Crayon; but I obviously remember their titles (and I may still have my Harold book somewhere).

Edited December 5, 2015 by harrie

[Blergh]

I don't know if this is a peeve or me just being mad but I just found out that my favorite used book store is closing in January.

I've been buying, selling and trading books there since I was a teenager. It's a cool little place that smelled so good. They have every book imaginable and if they don't have it, they'll find it for you.

I'm a preferred customer so I got a notice about the closure and an invitation to come to the close out sale an hour before the store opens. There will be about 20 of us who get to go in early. I'm excited about that but I'm going to miss this place so much. I've spent hours at a time browsing that store.

I hate that all of these small businesses are closing.

 

 

 Same here- and I REALLY hate how bookstores (independent and chains) are becoming as scarce as hens' teeth. I can remember when EVERY mall and commercial block in my city had at least TWO bookstores to choose from but now that's about all there is in my entire city  -suburbs included. I know how to surf for reading material but I like being able to hold it in my hands and perusing it a bit before purchasing it.  Also, where else do kids get encouraged to seek out books (and knowledge in general) on their own as much as bookstores? Sadly, even the chains that hang on are gutting out HUGE reading sections JUST to have 'Net junk to sell. So let me join your wake Maharincess.

[Quof]

On another note, I don't go to McDonald's and expect to be allowed to play in the ball pit.  Why do parents think it's okay to bring an infant to a restaurant with white tablecloths and $30 entrees???

[Bastet]

There's one independent bookstore left in my city now (two had hung on through Borders, Barnes & Noble, and then Amazon, but the second one closed its doors last year).  I don't much care for their selection.  I have them order me anything I want, so I'm giving the money to them rather than Amazon, but I miss having a great place to browse. 

 

When the local feminist bookstore went out of business (many moons ago now), I attended the close-out party and shed a tear along with everyone else.  I had spent so much time there over the years, not just for the books but the speaking engagements and terrific discussions.  It was a community space. 

[auntlada]

I am at the library, and I swear I just heard a mother tell her daughter, "That's not a girl book." Grrrr.

I wish people would not do things like that. I am having a hard enough time convincing my son that colors don't have gender and girls like superheroes and Star Wars too (especially his mommy for Star Wars).

[Bastet]

I hate nonsense like that.  I think every parent (well, every person, really) should be required to read Lise Eliot's Pink Brain, Blue Brain.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Bastet

[DeLurker]

Or watch Adam Ruins Everything S1 Ep 9:  Adam Ruins Summer Vacation where he addresses when pink and blue became associated with gender.

[NinjaPenguins]

When I worked as a children's librarian, we threw a little Christmas party where kids could pick a gift out of a box. This one little boy of 4 or 5 happily plucked out a storybook about princesses. From his father's reaction, you'd think he'd plucked a dog turd out of there. Dad wasn't mad, but he acted so flustered and embarrassed by his kid's choice that it was over the top. And sure enough, Dad made sure to say "That's a girl's book."

[Maharincess]

I hate that. For Christmas this year, my granddaughter wanted a cement mixer truck so I got it for her and my grandson loves his sisters baby dolls so I got him his own doll and a stroller. Both kids have trunks with dress up clothes. My granddaughter wears my grandson's "boy" dress up clothes and my grandson wears hers. Nobody cares if she comes out dressed like a soldier with a fake beard, but people go crazy if he wears her tutu and crowns.

My daughter and son in law don't care but she's said they've gotten rude comments about it from friends.

Edit: My daughter just texted me. She's the manager of a snooty hotel and they have a Toys for Tots barrel at the hotel. When she left her shift yesterday the barrell was over halfway full. This morning it was empty. Somebody stole the toys that were meant for needy children.

The way the barrel us positioned it is right next to the front desk in front of the desk clerk. Nobody could have stolen from the barrell without the employees seeing it, so she thinks it was one of the employees. She's looking at security footage, she's determined to find out who did it. If its an employee, she's going to fire them on the spot.

People can be so horrible. How could anyone steal from a needy child?!

Edited December 5, 2015 by Maharincess

[DeLurker]

They'll have a "reason"...scumbags always have a tilted view that let's them justify their behavior.

 

But that is particularly low.

[backformore]

For some strange reason my daughter and I have always loved the actor Jere Burns (I know you're all thinking "who"), I don't know why we like him so much but we always have.

Even though we know his name we always call him "that guy from the show who was in that movie with the camera".

I totally get this. Something about the timbre of his voice draws me in.

[ratgirlagogo]

He was wonderful in Justified.

[Maharincess]

I don't know what it is about him but we've both always liked him. He was in a Lifetime type movie once where he stalked a young girl. Its one of our favorite movies. Sometimes when she comes over I'll pull out my vhs copy of it and we'll watch it.

[Bastet]

Why do parents think it's okay to bring an infant to a restaurant with white tablecloths and $30 entrees???

 

Wow, I was just going around the dial during halftime and some hidden camera show featured a couple with a crying baby at a high-end restaurant.  They just kept sitting there, instead of one getting up to take the baby outside once it became clear it wasn't going to settle down any time soon, but the show set up the (planted) diner who complained about it as the bad guy, to see how other people reacted to her!  Now, I only watched a couple of minutes worth before I needed to pee, and then I had to take a phone call (and then I had to run in here to notify you before the game started back up <g>), so I don't know if she wound up being horribly obnoxious about her protest, but I was flabbergasted that these inconsiderate people were being presented as victims. 

Edited December 6, 2015 by Bastet

[auntlada]

I want to know how parents of infants can afford restaurants with $30 entrees and tablecloths of any color. If they can afford that, they can afford a babysitter. (If they can afford that, I'd figure they probably have a nanny.)

[Maharincess]

I never took my kids to high end places because that's not my thing, but any time one of my kids acted up in public we left. Not only as a courtesy to the other people around us but as a punishment to my kids too.

Eventually they'll learn that if you act up in public, you go home and they'll start acting right. The problem is that parents just don't care anymore. When little Billy is acting like an asshole in the store and running into people and making a mess, mom is on her cell phone 4 aisles over.

I don't use the motorized carts at the grocery store because I've had kids follow me around yellibg at me that it's their turn while mommy does nothing so its not worth it.

I can't tell you how many times I've been in the store on my own scooter and had to remind myself that they're kids, its not their fault they're spoiled rotten brats, so I don't run them over.

Edited December 6, 2015 by Maharincess

[backformore]

Some parents say they take their young kids to fancy restaurants to teach them how to behave.  I always say you can teach your kids to behave in a family restaurant, a diner, a pancake place,  even a fast food place.  

Any time one of my kids was restless or upset in a restaurant, one of use would take him for a break.  I would never let them disturb others.   

 

I've seen parents with their kids at the mall, and the kids are allowed to run WILD.   Two brothers trying on sunglasses at an adult clothing store, then dropping them on the floor;  Kids playing with a display of necklaces, hiding in clothing racks, running and pushing past people on escalators, wiping runny noses on display towels.  Kids with candy and sticky fingers, "playing"  with expensive clothing.  One mom gave her toddler a stuffed animal from a display  to play with in the stroller while she shopped.  He chewed on it, drank his juice, chewed some more, then mom put it back on the shelf before she left. 

Store clerks have told me they're not allowed to say anything to the parents, because the parents will complain they were treated rudely.   I never saw this stuff when my kids were young.   My boys were rambunctious, but I watched them every minute. They knew the rules.  Of course, I also kept mall shopping to very short trips, going to a couple of stores only.   If I had to buy clothes, shoes, etc, for myself,  I'd do it when their dad could watch them at home.  Young kids can't tolerate spending hour after hour SHOPPING.   At a certain age,  I'd let them know we would stop by the park, or the ice cream store,  on the way home, as a reward for following the rules.  Same thing with restaurants.   They knew they could get dessert, only if they behaved. 

 

And, though I'm getting used to it, I still have a reaction to seeing a young woman with tattoos, multiple facial piercings, purple hair, etc -   Pushing a stroller and carrying a diaper bag.  I'll get over it, I'm sure, eventually. 

[Quof]

 

Some parents say they take their young kids to fancy restaurants to teach them how to behave.

Yes, but INFANTS are incapable of learning how to behave.   They're there because their parents are selfish.  End of.

[bmasters9]

Yes, but INFANTS are incapable of learning how to behave.   They're there because their parents are selfish.  End of.

Which is why (although you said "end of") I would like to put in here that I have seen the horror stories about how infants have been forced to go shopping or to movie theaters late at night, way past their bedtime, and then punished as if they intended to cause disturbances when and if they cause disturbances. It's unbelievable!

[Quof]

Exactly.  Don't let the fact you have children prevent you from doing what you want to do, parents.  To hell with how it affects the people around you, or even the children themselves.   Case in point - Suri Cruise.   I'm sure she loved being dragged to restaurants hours after she should have been in bed, just so Tom and Katie could get a photo opportunity.

[janestclair]

When we were kids, my parents would've also taken us home if we started to act up anywhere. I vividly remember my dad carrying me out of Chuck E Cheese screaming because I was acting like a brat.  And that was a place intended FOR kids.  Today, someone would probably think my dad was trying to kidnap me with the way I was carrying on.  Maybe that's why parents don't discipline their kids in public. 

 

I shudder to think what these kids are going to be like as adults if their parents aren't teaching them how to behave now. 

[Blergh]

I agree that too many parents are oblivious to their kids'  behavior so they can keep doing their own socializing uninterrupted. This brings to mind something that happened some years ago. I was already long since grown and dining with my own mother when we witnessed the spectacle of a small child taking spaghetti from his plate, climbing down from his seat, running to an empty seat on the other side of the large table THEN hanging the spaghetti strands on the chair rail. The thing is that he did this again and again and again over the course of at least twenty minutes and the ENTIRE time his parents didn't so much as turn their heads from their own conversation with their chums to look in his original direction much less attempt to correct him  even once and ONLY when they noticed US laughing did they bother to  turn their heads and put a stop to his antics. Yes, he was making a small mess but he was being quiet AND it was only because his parents weren't paying the slightest attention to him that he decided to find something else to do. I thought his parents were VERY lucky he didn't attempt to run out of the restaurant to be hit by traffic or have a bad person meet him which COULD have happened during those twenty minutes. I can recall my parents taking me to places as a small child and even when they were gabbing away with their friends, they ALWAYS would turn their heads in my direction at least every few seconds to make sure I was okay and not getting into mischief.

    Just as I wish more folks would stay single, I wish more folks would stay childless.

[KnoxForPres]

Do any extroverts have any insight into why you might seek out introverts? Is there something you get from us?

For me, and I realize reading here now it's not effective, but it's because I want to be in the mix and middle and not on the outside and I (wrongly and ego-centrically) assume others do.

I feel such shame at something I've been doing. A guy on my team is possibly the most averse to interaction of anyone I've met. He deliberately looks down when he passes others and talks to no one. Yet not in a mean or cold way, just a leave me alone way.

He's brilliant. And I sometimes want his insight into what I'm working on. Well...(gulp) I go to his desk to ask his thoughts. And stand there and talk to him.

But!! In my mind I was offering friendship, acceptance, etc. I always think of him as a social underdog and sort of felt sad for him. Turns out- he's likely happy as a lark at his desk when left alone.

I will instant message him from now on bc I see how I am making his day less pleasant when my intent was to make him "part of the gang".

Every day we do indeed learn!

[Bastet]

Just as I wish more folks would stay single, I wish more folks would stay childless.

 

Co-sign, on both.  With respect to having kids:  Parenting comes with responsibilities - you are shaping a human being, teaching them how to be a person, and how to be a member of society - and if you're not up for them, skip it.  Kids aren't accessories or vanity projects.  As I've said many a time here, I don't like kids.  At all.  However well behaved your child is, I do not want to be around her or him.  But I have tremendous respect for parents who take their job seriously.  More and more every year, as it seems fewer and fewer do. 

Edited December 6, 2015 by Bastet

[DeLurker]

Do any extroverts have any insight into why you might seek out introverts? Is there something you get from us?

An audience?

 

Just a joke - well, mostly. 

 

On kidling and infants in restaurants - nothing new.  I used to work at Fridays during college summers/breaks so way back in the stone age (or the mid 80s).  It really was not uncommon for people to bring their children and let them run around like savages (apologizes to all savage; I'm guessing that is an uncharitable comparison).  I regularly asked parents to keep their children seated because the wait staff walked around loaded up with hot plates and sharp knives if the dish required a steak knife.  If the parents did not, I would corral kids and make them come sit by the hostess stand where I was and there was a bench and coffee table.  They could draw, but that was about it.  The parents loved it because it got their brats out of the way, but more importantly the wait staff could rush about without fear of tripping over one of the monsters. 

 

I suspect the kids you see today are the spawn of those kids I ran herd on 30 years ago.

[auntlada]

When we were kids, my parents would've also taken us home if we started to act up anywhere. I vividly remember my dad carrying me out of Chuck E Cheese screaming because I was acting like a brat.  And that was a place intended FOR kids.  Today, someone would probably think my dad was trying to kidnap me with the way I was carrying on.  Maybe that's why parents don't discipline their kids in public. 

 

I shudder to think what these kids are going to be like as adults if their parents aren't teaching them how to behave now. 

 

I'm always afraid someone will see me give my son a swat in public and turn me in. I don't beat him by any means and it certainly doesn't even leave a mark, but I'm not averse to a swat with my hand when he's misbehaving. He always gets a warning that a swat is coming if he doesn't straighten up. Most of the time he does, but sometimes not. He used to say (loudly), "Please don't hit me!" I was always terrified he'd do that in public, but he never did.

 

I have a co-worker who comes to talk to me sometimes, KnoxForPres, and just stands there to talk. She doesn't always want something except to talk. I avoid eye contact, continue what I'm doing at my computer and keep my responses to one syllable as much as possible. When she is bringing me work-related stuff, I pretty much do the same thing. I hate having people standing behind me while I work, and when I feel a need for a little socialization, which I do occasionally but not very often, I'll get up and go to a talkative person's desk and join the conversation already going on there. So on behalf of all people who want to be left alone to work, thank you.

 

I'm pretty good at avoiding eye contact. In my father's extended family, you never made eye contact with relatives because it only encouraged them to keep going and they didn't need any encouragement. My husband says that side of the family thinks there are two parts to a conversation: the part where I say something and the part where I think about what I'm going to say next.

[DeLurker]

I will instant message him from now on bc I see how I am making his day less pleasant when my intent was to make him "part of the gang"

And this might be a way to get him more comfortable with direct contact with you.  Send him an amusing Far Side comic or something once in a while and see if he responds.

[Mountainair]

I'm always afraid someone will see me give my son a swat in public and turn me in. I don't beat him by any means and it certainly doesn't even leave a mark, but I'm not averse to a swat with my hand when he's misbehaving. He always gets a warning that a swat is coming if he doesn't straighten up. Most of the time he does, but sometimes not. He used to say (loudly), "Please don't hit me!" I was always terrified he'd do that in public, but he never did.

 

 

 

And there in lies the problem. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. My kids are pretty well behaved in public. We've never tolerated bad behavior and aren't afraid to take one kid out to the car during dinner if need be. Mind you, we don't eat out often and if we do we chose where we go carefully. Mostly Mexican because the kids get food at the table immediately and I always have busy bags on my person to keep the kids occupied. 

When it's just me and the kids and I don't have the option as easily to leave situation I don't raise my voice or swat. I start with a gentle squeeze on the arm that gets progressively firmer until my kid "gets it". It's quiet and no one knows I'm doing it except my kid and it never takes more than one or two squeezes of the arm for my kid to know I mean business. 

[Bastet]

I thought it was a terrific post, and made me want to do a little cheer for its insight.  In response to wondering why an extrovert might seek out an introvert, Knox took a look at her ongoing behavior towards a co-worker and realized she'd been projecting her extrovert outlook onto his introvert behavior and thus trying to draw him out, include him, etc. in the way she'd like if the roles were reversed, when in reality is he's probably quite happy being left alone to keep his head down (literally, in his case) and get his work done, and might even be annoyed by her attempts.

[KnoxForPres]

Oh no- none at all! Goodness, unless someone hurt my dog or family I think I'm immune to offense.

But in general, and way beyond that small quote I used (which succinctly captured my thoughts ) in reading here I've learned that everyone doesn't have a secret desire to be part of a conversation.

Mentions of not digging small talk, wanting to be left alone, etc.

Because I have such a strong pull to the opposite, it never occurred to me that others are happy when, well...left out. Maybe I've not ever studied or thought about it- who knows- but my whole life I felt a need to include the outsider.

And it's good for me to know that some people just want their earbuds in and to be left alone. It's hard to describe in a way that doesn't come off passive aggressive or weird- I'm being completely honest. I needed to learn it's ok and if someone doesn't come to the cake birthday it's likely not because they feel left out, but - they hate that kind of stuff.

Which is a relief in a sense. While I worried they were sad I think the truth is that kind of stuff is the equivalent of no fu filled with small talk and bad cake. And I actually get that.

I'm not gifted at the written language (but I could talk you ear off :) to convey exactly what I mean, but I feel better knowing solitude likely means they like it where I viewed it as "oh no! I need to talk so they feel a part". I'd much rather put at ease via instant message, natural conversation etc. I will longer force it if you will.

[FormerMod-a1]

Introversion/Extraversion are not the same as shyness and being socially outgoing.  Introversion/Extroversion is about where you get your energy.   That's it.  There are many shy extroverts and many outgoing social introverts.  My grandma was definitely a shy extrovert  She always said she'd rather be alone in a crowd than alone by herself.   And a few of my friends are social intraverts - they love being out and with people, they just can't do it all night long.  They go home early.  I, as an extrovert, get more and more tired, literally, the longer I am alone and get energized just from being out with people, whether I'm talking to them or not.  I also have my shy moments and my outgoing moments.  

 

I do like talking to people, but I find more people approach me to talk than I ever approach them (as said upthread).  When I talk to someone I don't assume anything about them.  I also read cues, when going to someone's desk if they don't turn and indicate I should wait, I don't.  Same with when someone comes to my desk - if I turn and smile and put up a finger for "just a moment" they stay.  If I shake my head and look back at my PC or phone, they leave.  I figured that was pretty standard at offices - it is at all the ones I've worked at.  I've only had one incidence where that didn't work so I put my phone on mute turned my chair and told the guy that I was busy leading a conference call with a webex and said to come back or "ping" me later.  He learned and it didn't happen again.

 

From the Myers & Brigg' website:

 

Everyone spends some time extraverting and some time introverting. Don't confuse Introversion with shyness or reclusiveness. They are not related.

 

[janestclair]

I think I'm an introvert who wants to be an extrovert.  I want to go out and do things and be social, and then I'm there and it's like, ok it's time to go home now because I'm tired.  And that's true even when I'm with friends.  Maybe that's why I like concerts so much. I can go out and be with my friends, but not have to really talk to them. 

[auntlada]

Oh no- none at all! Goodness, unless someone hurt my dog or family I think I'm immune to offense.

But in general, and way beyond that small quote I used (which succinctly captured my thoughts ) in reading here I've learned that everyone doesn't have a secret desire to be part of a conversation.

Mentions of not digging small talk, wanting to be left alone, etc.

Because I have such a strong pull to the opposite, it never occurred to me that others are happy when, well...left out. Maybe I've not ever studied or thought about it- who knows- but my whole life I felt a need to include the outsider.

And it's good for me to know that some people just want their earbuds in and to be left alone. It's hard to describe in a way that doesn't come off passive aggressive or weird- I'm being completely honest. I needed to learn it's ok and if someone doesn't come to the cake birthday it's likely not because they feel left out, but - they hate that kind of stuff.

Which is a relief in a sense. While I worried they were sad I think the truth is that kind of stuff is the equivalent of no fu filled with small talk and bad cake. And I actually get that.

I'm not gifted at the written language (but I could talk you ear off :) to convey exactly what I mean, but I feel better knowing solitude likely means they like it where I viewed it as "oh no! I need to talk so they feel a part". I'd much rather put at ease via instant message, natural conversation etc. I will longer force it if you will.

 

Sometimes people do feel left out, and I think introverts sometimes do -- especially shy ones -- because they don't want to push in and everyone is so used to them being alone (and to thinking they are stuck-up or standoffish) that no one bothers to tell them about stuff that's going on. I think for things like cake, for instance, it's probably nice to say personally to an introvert, "Hey, we're having cake if you want to come, but if you don't, that's OK," and then leave the person alone and let him/her decide if he/she wants to come. As a shy introvert, I think it's nice to get a personal invite even if it's to something I don't want to do -- as long as there is no pressure to do it.

[KnoxForPres]

I think that's excellent thinking, aunt.

And sorry guys- didn't meant to hijack this thread.

One of my greatest service pet peeves is immediate pushback. No matter the inquiry.

I have spent oh we don't want to know how much money on dog food over the years. Mostly at store X. I had an emailed coupon and store X said I had to print it out at home and return if I wanted to use it. I have a rewards card with them that they have to see my past and budget busting number . But even if I was first timer- instant pushback. And they didn't relent after I said its 2015 that's not eco friendly or realistic. I understand policy but from a service perspective I would have said "we will do it this time, but next time must have hard copy".

Well, not much bothers me but that did. I kind of raised immortal hell once I got home and went from local to corporate. Magically today their emailed coupons now say accepted via mobile. Apparently there were others like I am!

ive been in the service industry in a lot of different ways and stlll am to a degree and just for my own mental health the first thing I think is "ok-here it is, how can I fix it". Instant pushback or here is where you went wrong makes such a horrific and escalated experience for everyone.

[Maharincess]

And, though I'm getting used to it, I still have a reaction to seeing a young woman with tattoos, multiple facial piercings, purple hair, etc - Pushing a stroller and carrying a diaper bag. I'll get over it, I'm sure, eventually.

Can I ask why that bothers you? I may have missed why you have a reaction to it. I don't think a woman's hair color or tattoos and piercings means that she isn't a good mom. A well put together woman with "normal" hair, clothing etc can be a horrible mother, just as a woman like you've described can be a good, loving mom.

I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to understand why you'd have a reaction to seeing it. I like when somebody is comfortable enough in their own skin to do and wear what they want.

I don't think purple hair, piercings and tattoos have any bearing on ones ability to be a good parent.

[backformore]

Can I ask why that bothers you? I may have missed why you have a reaction to it. I don't think a woman's hair color or tattoos and piercings means that she isn't a good mom. A well put together woman with "normal" hair, clothing etc can be a horrible mother, just as a woman like you've described can be a good, loving mom.

I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to understand why you'd have a reaction to seeing it. I like when somebody is comfortable enough in their own skin to do and wear what they want.

I don't think purple hair, piercings and tattoos have any bearing on ones ability to be a good parent.

Oh, I agree with you.   I KNOW that someone with an unconventional appearance can be a good parent.    I'm used to seeing that particular "look"  from teens who are rebelling against their parents.  When I see young moms sporting that look, I am taken aback.   It's not a conscious thought, that she will be a bad mother, it's a visceral reaction I have to the look.   Facial piercings in particular, kind of freak me out.  I've worked with a lot of angry teenage girls who adopt a look to portray their defiance of parents and other authorities, and they tend to be sweet kids who are searching for an identity. 

 

  My mental construct of "mother"  does not fit with my experience with girls and young women with that look.   I assume I will get used to it with time and experience.  I guess my thought, when I see a young woman with an unconventional appearance, piercings, tattoos, and strange hair and clothing, those things don't go along with the conventional "suburban mom pushing a stroller at the mall".  And yet, those two constructs are colliding.  Someone who is unconventional in some ways, and then doing the time-honored, conventional thing with her kid.  it's the juxtaposition of two very different things that makes me stop and think.  

 

AND - it makes me feel old.

[Maharincess]

I get you. I have tattoos and was married to a tattoo artist but facial tattoos still freak me out. I've always been a live and let live person, when he was in high school my son had a 13 inch high Mohawk. I like that sort of thing, I like when people are comfortable enough to do what they want like that.

But I just don't get facial tattoos.

Edited December 7, 2015 by Maharincess

[bilgistic]

I don't understand it, either. I also don't understand how women wearing that stuff have any semblance of shape underneath it. I have a high waisted-long shorts thing I bought to wear under an interview dress, and it makes me look like a stuffed sausage. No waist definition. I hate it. I just let my fat gut run free the rest of the time.

Edited December 7, 2015 by bilgistic

[Demented Daisy]

And, though I'm getting used to it, I still have a reaction to seeing a young woman with tattoos, multiple facial piercings, purple hair, etc -   Pushing a stroller and carrying a diaper bag.  I'll get over it, I'm sure, eventually. 

 

 

I read this yesterday, but had to ignore because it made my hackles rise.  I have multiple (visible) tattoos and piercings.  My hair is currently 3 different colors.  I have a daughter.  I'm a week away from getting a half sleeve as an anniversary gift from my husband.  (He's getting an anniversary tattoo, too.)

 

I'm 40 years old, so this is most definitely not about rebellion.  It's a form of expression for us.  But we face a very similar response when people see the tattoos for the first time: "You look so clean-cut and respectable!  I never would have guessed you have tattoos!"

 

Now, you weren't trying to cause offense, which is why I didn't respond yesterday.  I didn't want to have a knee-jerk reaction that I would later regret.  Tattoos are not the taboo they used to be, but some of the assumptions about them remain.  It's frustrating to know that people think I'm not "clean-cut" -- which could mean any number of things, one of which might be that I'm a bad mother.

 

A semi-related pet peeve: the term "crotchfruit".  I see it here (not necessarily in this thread) frequently and it pisses me off every damn time.  It's just another way to dehumanize each other.

[BooksRule]

Here's a peeve:  Why do people seem surprised when you don't have the same interests that they do?  And when you don't, why are they insistent about trying to 'convert' you or try to make you feel somehow inferior because you like different things?  (Not that I feel inferior, I just feel like they think I am.)  I like to read, but I don't look down on people who don't like to read or who read different types of books than I do.  I also watch different TV shows, and I get tired of people saying 'I can't stand that show.  Why do you watch it?  You should be watching this one.'  I love it when I have conversations with people who like different things than I do, and we have a nice talk about each other's interests and why we like those things.  Sometimes we even have a friendly 'argument' over books, movies, etc.  But you can't have this type of conversation with people who seem to think that their interests are somehow 'better' or 'more correct' than others.  

[bilgistic]

Like, "We're going to get you to eat meat!"-my coworker and pseudo-boss. Um, no, you aren't. At least 20 years hasn't swayed me, so your being threatened that I have different values surely won't.