Quotes: "I'm In Charge Of Black Stuff?"

[formerlyfreedom]

Bring the quotes on!

[DollEyes]

Rainbow to Andre, when she's accused of not being "Black enough": "If I'm not Black, could somebody please tell my hair and my ass?"

 

Andre' Jr, aka "Andy," to his dad, about his name change and his sport of choice: "[Andy] says I'm edgy, but approachable."

Andre: "I think it says " I hate my father and I play field hockey.'"

 

Pops Johnson: "I feel a group hug coming. I'm goin' to the track."

Edited September 26, 2014 by DollEyes

[formerlyfreedom]

Andre to Andre Jr; "I'm a little too bloated to go shirtless right now."

 

Andre.: "Cuz two shirtless dudes just standing around talking about sex starts to look weird after awhile."

Andre Jr.:"Oh, wait, Dad just one more thing..."

Andre (thought): "Please barbell, just slip and fall on my throat."

 

Andre Jr. to Andre: "You know who really gets me there? Helen Mirren. Is that weird? I don't even care."

 

 

Honestly, I think I could quote this entire show...

[twoods]

"Hand on gland combat" is a new quote I've never heard of. Comedy gold!

[Mozelle]

I adored (!!!) Pops' explanation to Rainbow about what he did to get Zoe to talk to him: "I Morgn Freeman'd her." 

[Mozelle]

I think that this episode ("The Nod") was chock-full of quotes.

 

Zoe: I'm cool. Plus I'm black. Which is cool, so I win twice. 

 

Dre and Bow's exchange about the Leimert Park social club that includes gardening--

 

Bow: Look! Black people gardening. When was the last time you saw that?

Dre: You mean, besides our nation's 400 years of non-consensual gardening?

 

Pops: Something wrong with yo' neck, boy?!

 

Pops: Think of the boy as a piece of salmon, and your club the skillet.

 

Dre: Are we talking raw uncut Biggie-black, or low-cal Drake black?

 

Andre and his new friend: Yasss, Gaga, yasss! (I have no idea what that means, but it made me die.)

Edited October 9, 2014 by Mozelle

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Junior: My hobbit shire!

[topanga]

"What about him?"

"He's Filipino."

"I'm sure that's what his mother tells him."

 

 

"Nothing weird. No, Nothing weird. Just looking for some young black boys to bring back to my house."

 

 

"Can I curse? Damn!"

[kia112]

Dre: I'm not one to keep an open mind, or listen to people, but I was desperate.

[DollEyes]

Rainbow to Diane, about the family's future: "You're my only hope. Zoe will probably marry well."

Diane: "At least seven times."

Rainbow: "Junior will probably be living with us 'til he's 30."

Diane: "Optimistic." 

 

Dre: " To Junior, 'Nerd' is the new Black."

Edited October 11, 2014 by DollEyes

[Inquisitionist]

Thanks, DollEyes.  I have to admit that I don't always hear Diane's lines clearly.  Will need to turn up the volume!

[emma675]

Dre: "Pops, how many White Russians have you had?!"

 

Pops: "Irrelevant! But, a lot."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Green shirt guy: What do they do to kids in China?

Tanya: I wouldn't know. I grew up in Torrance and I'm Korean.

[mtlchick]

"I said to give  him a whooping, not crush his spirit!"

 

This has become my new 30 Rock: so many good quotes.

[Watermelon]

"You're selling me out?!"

"We're not exactly selling you out. We created an algorithm to reduce collateral damage"

"What does that mean?"

"We're selling you out."

"Even you, Diane? You're my twin!"

"Look Friend, we're not identical"

 

 

I. Died.

[CurbUrEnthusiasm]

Dre (about Jack): "He was so cute, so full of promise. He was my favorite!"

 

It's not so much what he said but the priceless ensuing looks/side eye that all the kids gave him that cracked me up (especially Andre Jr.). Plus knowing Jack is also the favorite among Dre's coworkers added another dimension of hilarity. The little guy is indeed adorable!

[DollEyes]

Bow (to the security guards, after finding Jack): "It takes you two hours to find a little Black boy and you're on me in two seconds for accidentally stealing a clutch? You know what, I'm keeping it! [Walking away with clutch]. I'm keeping it!" 

Edited October 30, 2014 by DollEyes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jack: I don't want to go blind and lose my feet!

Dre: And you wouldn't lose both feet, just one at a time.

 

Rainbow: Why do you have a camera in the refrigerator?

Dre: To see what's in there to determine if I'm going to go downstairs or not.

 

Dre: The family that pranks together stays together.

Chris: Wait, Dre, I think it's "prays."

 

Dre: Josh - not my favorite guy, mostly because he's always asking me if I know Jay-Z.

 

Josh: I know bros aren't exactly into pranks. Bros tend to be a little touchy about being startled.

Dre: I think they're startled at the comfort level with which you use the word "bro."

 

Charlie: Did I look scared?
Dre: Yeah. Weren't you?

Charlie: No, man. I knew he was in there. I wasn't going to waste an opportunity to sock that dude.

Dre: Charlie, why did you do that?

Charlie: Because it's hilarious!

 

Dre: All black people don't know one another! Do you know RuPaul?

Charlie: Yeah, I do, actually.

Dre: Me too. Cool chick.

 

Stevens: Last night I received a very disturbing call at home during my Bones marathon. Dre, a member of your team assaulted a coworker?

Dre: Um, it was an accident.

Charlie: No, I jacked him up.

Dre: Dude, I'm trying to help you out here, okay? Relax.

Charlie: Joker jumped out on me.

Josh: It's my fault. I should have known. Microtargetting studies show that 84% of black men do not like being startled while the other 16% find it "messed up."

Dre: WHAT? Man, this is crazy.

Stevens: Guys, I love publicly humiliating an employee as much as the next guy, probably more, but the risk of litigation is just too great so from now on, Stevens Lido is a prank-free zone. That's it. No more. But you can still put stuff in people's yogurt cause that's just fun.

 

Dre: Damn it, Josh can't be right. Between the two of us, there has to be a black person we don't know. Dionne Warwick?

Chris: Wonderful woman, generous lover.

[Mozelle]

Josh: I know bros aren't exactly into pranks. Bros tend to be a little touchy about being startled.

Dre: I think they're startled at the comfort level with which you use the word "bro."

 

So, I kinda liked this exchange, though I wish they would've had Josh (and Dre) say "brothas" instead. My reasoning is only that I tend to associate the word "bro" with white frat boy types more than I do black men.

Edited October 30, 2014 by Mozelle

[DollEyes]

Junior, after Dre pranked him: "I've screwed up my life. I need to do more."

[Jade Foxx]

"Cookies kill."  ~ Diane

 

Her delivery was awesome. (while shaking her little head!)

[DollEyes]

Jack, to Bow, after helping Dre prank her into thinking that he was cheating on her: "You thought Dad was blowing up your marriage!"

 

Dre, to Bow: "Your poker faces gives away more than an episode of 'Oprah's Favorite Things.'"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Dre: You went straight to begging?

Diane: In our defense, we tried complaining first.

Dre: My kids are spoiled rotten.

Stevens: Have you considered buying them more things?

[Mozelle]

Junior after Dre gave him his first check: "I'm about to make it rain in the comic book sto'!"

[Empress1]

Dre: "She don't know!" It was the delivery.

Edited November 13, 2014 by Empress1

[MyLisa]

So many, but I think my favorite last night was: "Thank you, Upton Sinclair!"

[Mozelle]

Bow: No Ruby, no Ruby, no Ruby! *gasps* She's still here!

[mtlchick]

"Especially the butt part.  Basic black!"  

[DollEyes]

Zoe to Junior: "I've been played. Is this what it's like to be you?"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Dre: My point is the White House was just that - white. Until one man broke through and gave my people hope: Dennis Haysbert in 24.

 

Ruby: You know, Rainbow, you're too hard on the kids. If I didn't know you were mixed, I'd swear you were Chinese.

Rainbow: Ruby, that's racist!

Ruby: Black people can't be racist!

Dre: I was robbed by a damn Mexican!

Ruby: See? Totally acceptable.

Edited December 11, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[DollEyes]

Kid to 'Santa' Dre, at the office Christmas party: "No toys? This never happened with White Santa!"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Dre: Adam apple's like the balls of the throat. If that fails, always go for the groin. That's like the balls of the balls.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Dre: I've got bad news.

Charlie: Kim Kardashian stopped messing with black guys?

Dre: Worse.

Josh: Zoe Saldana stopped messing with white guys?

 

Dre: Hey, middle aged Jimmy Neutron, I bet you only cost two packs of cigarettes in jail.

Charlie: Hey, Powder, how's that cadaver modeling going for you?

Dre: You so white you the light people see before they die.

Charlie: You so white Wayne Brady's jealous.

Dre: You so white you thought Malcolm X was a porno.

Charlie: You so white ghosts are scared of you.

Dre: I see pale people!

 

Dre: Bagging isn't bullying!

 

Jack: You were the first to talk, you were the first to ride a bike, you were the first to pee standing up.

Rainbow: Wait, what?

 

Dre: Just remember you have a choice. You can use your gift wisely or you can be like Darth Vader and go to the dark side.

Junior: Darth Vader didn't go to the dark side. It was actually Anakin who went to the dark side and became Darth Vader once he was there.

[Dre leaves]

[mtlchick]

Raven Simone with a fade! 

[spaceytraci1208]

"So we're just all just unrelated children living in the same house? Like Michael Jackson's kids?!!" - Dre Jr.

[mtlchick]

"We are all bastard children!"
  

And while it's not a quote, Diane's head snap when Jack said "Nailed it!" had me rolling.

[Watermelon]

"Hold up Friend! Let's just wait until the test results come back." Diane.

 

She kills me with the 'Friend'.

[Mozelle]

(D')Alicia: I don't like brown liquor.

Pops: I'm eating white ice cream!

Edited March 5, 2015 by Mozelle

[Wowzer]

Pops: "Oh negress please!" 

Also, Ruby humming spirituals with Dre's head on her chest.  Pops and Ruby were gold last night!

[ridethemaverick]

So many gems from last night!

I loved "We're not obligated to get diabetes."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Charlie: Diane.

Diane: Charles.

 

Charlie: Does the girl twin still live with you?

[biakbiak]

Seriously, Deon's line reading on the "does the twin girl..." made me pause and laugh for way too long!

 

If the show was to get cancelled (not likely) I would watch a spin-off with the two of them; hopefully being thrown together to solve crimes!

Edited April 10, 2015 by biakbiak

[mtlchick]

"I say good DAY, sir!"  2 days later and I still laugh at that.

[GHScorpiosRule]

"...hundred...I mean a hunnit."

 

Still makes me howl. It's clear I'm so very easy to please.

[paulvdb]

Junior: "Guys, guess what? Auntie Rhonda... gay."

Zoe, Jack and Diane silently stare at Junior.

Jack: "So what else should I get mom?"

Diane: "Oh, now you want my help?"

Junior: "Why isn't anyone else surprised."

Jack: "Because we all knew."

Charlie: "I was the best man at my brother and his lifelong roommate's health insurance consolidation party."

Charlie: "I think my brother and his husband are gay."

Junior: "Auntie Sharon is gay too?"

Diane: "Unbelievable."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Dre: Take my baby sister Rhonda. She's gay. I think. She lives in a one bedroom apartment with her friend Sharon who's a mechanic and their cat Kitty Lang. So yeah, she's definitely gay.

 

Rainbow: Dre, Rhonda has been with Sharon for years. I can't believe your mom still thinks she's her roommate.

Dre: Well, technically they are roommates.

Bow: Well then technically we're roommates.

 

Diane: Dude, Auntie Rhonda lives in a one bedroom apartment with her girlfriend.

Junior: Since when is it gay to save money on rent?

Zoe, Jack, and Diane: WOW.

 

Zoe: Your gaydar is seriously broken.

Junior: What's gaydar?

Zoe: Dude, really? You can't even piece it together?

Diane: It's two words combined and one of them's radar.

Jack: Yeah, this is pretty basic stuff.

Junior: Oh my GAWD! I just got Hamburglar! Bromance! Chillax! Spanglish!

 

Dre: Bow doesn't think I'm close enough to my sister who's gay.

Charlie: Ohhhh. Been there. I got a brother. He's not gay or nothing. But we got our issues. Yet and still, I was the best man at he and his lifelong roommate Gustavo's health insurance consolidation party last summer on Fire Island.

Curtis: That sounds like a gay wedding.

Charlie: Whoa, watch your mouth there, youngster. That's my not gay brother you're talking about there.

 

Charlie: We don't rock the boat. Drowning is one of the worst deaths. It goes fire, drowning, then bees.

 

Bow: Erykah Ba-don't!

 

Todd: But let's talk about the actor who would play the burglar. Now is there any objection to him being a large African American man in an Obama mask?

 

Dre: I know I wasn't as supportive as I should have been about you going through your lesbianification.

Rhonda: No, Dre, no, see you can't just become lesbianified. You gotta be born lesbianic.

Dre: See? Thank you. Now I know the right words.

Edited May 8, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[RedHawk]

Junior: "Grandma and Grandpa are both Democrats and they have guns."

 

Bow: "In...in this house?"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Drex: Ice, ice, baby.

[DollEyes]

Pops, to Junior: "You smell like wide-open ass."

[Joimiaroxeu]

"It was arguably Denzel's best work!"

"Aw, it was a'ight."