Chit-Chat: What's On Your Mind Today?

Yeah No · August 22

11 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

WhenI am sick, I have a crew of three that do everything for me: me, myself, and I! LOL! 😸

I have lived alone for 27 years since DH passed away. I always keep some canned soups in the pantry and assorted left over meals in the freezer. I stock the big containers of yogurt in the fridge and have saltine crackers around. Usually it is enough to get me through just about anything. Housework comes to a stop and laundry etc. I do have my cats that need to be fed, around 40 of them outside and one inside. A friend comes to help with that if I need it. I am pretty self sufficient and really rather do things myself in most cases. It works for now, but at 75 I wonder how much longer I will be able to push through just about anything like I do now. I guess where there is a will there will be a way!!

So far I've been lucky, I'm sure one of my kids would come from CA if the situation really demanded it.

I've heard you mention at least one friend or acquaintance that lives nearby that has helped you out in the past. Not to be presumptuous, but hopefully you can you still count on them when you really need something. Also, and this holds true even if you live with someone, as we get older I am sure there are more services available to seniors that can be availed if necessary. I hear about them on TV and in the news but don't know as much about them as I should. I have friends that live in a town about 20 miles from here that don't have a working car right now. I keep telling them that every town in our state has a "senior jitney" that will take them to the doctor and shopping when they need it but they continue to lean on their adult daughter to take them everywhere and it's putting a strain on their relationship. There are services out there, we just have to be aware of them. I know I'm not the authority on this because even as I say that I am not aware of many of these services.

My BFF in NYC lives alone and doesn't have any close family or friends nearby anymore. She lives in the Bronx near Manhattan and her nearest friend lives in Queens, which if you know anything about NYC might as well be in another state. She has made friends with another older single woman in her apartment building that is at least one means of support. They often do laundry and go shopping together. I am very happy to hear this as I worry about her because of certain medical conditions she has.

Gramto6 · August 22

10 hours ago, Ancaster said:

Would you consider moving to California?

Oh Hail NO! I left CA 20 years ago and won't ever move back there! My family is all there and I visit when I can, but I don't care to ever move back. I love my quiet country life here in MT too much!

ginger90 · August 22

Are you referring to Dial-A-Ride?

9 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

I keep telling them that every town in our state has a "senior jitney" that will take them to the doctor and shopping when they need it

Gramto6 · August 22

11 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

I've heard you mention at least one friend or acquaintance that lives nearby that has helped you out in the past. Not to be presumptuous, but hopefully you can you still count on them when you really need something.

Yes, I did have two different friends that help out when I need something. Unfortunately one recently passed away, but the other is there for help and driving if ever I can't, though she has some health issues right now, but her hubby does help too. In fact he drove me up to my last surgery this month. But as I said I prefer to do as much as I can on my own as long as I can. If I ever get to a point I can't I will look into any assistance available to seniors that is out there. For now I manage pretty well.

ETA: As far as a "Senior Jitney", I have never heard of any such thing here in MT. The only "bus" services available where I live are a couple private companies that are hit and miss with availability and pricey. Maybe up in one of the larger cities there is something but I've never seen any such thing mentioned.

Edited August 22 by Gramto6
added on to post

Yeah No · August 22

14 minutes ago, ginger90 said:

Are you referring to Dial-A-Ride?

Yes, that's what it's called in CT. I have heard different names in other places. These friends complain that they have to schedule it in advance. My father, who drive up until a month before he died also complained that he would have to schedule in advance. When I broke my arm in 2016 and couldn't drive for a couple of months I had to rely on a similar jitney and had to schedule it in advance so I know it's a pain but I did it so they could too.

Yeah No · August 22

25 minutes ago, Gramto6 said:

Yes, I did have two different friends that help out when I need something. Unfortunately one recently passed away, but the other is there for help and driving if ever I can't, though she has some health issues right now, but her hubby does help too. In fact he drove me up to my last surgery this month. But as I said I prefer to do as much as I can on my own as long as I can. If I ever get to a point I can't I will look into any assistance available to seniors that is out there. For now I manage pretty well.

ETA: As far as a "Senior Jitney", I have never heard of any such thing here in MT. The only "bus" services available where I live are a couple private companies that are hit and miss with availability and pricey. Maybe up in one of the larger cities there is something but I've never seen any such thing mentioned.

I'm glad to hear your friend is still around even with issues. I'm very sorry to hear about the other one. 😟

As far as a possible jitney and other senior services go in your area, I haven't read into these (I'm actually in a rush to go out right now) but here are a couple of places to start. One of them is in Bozeman. I also saw a site mentioning Helena. I don't know where you are but there may be similar in your area:

https://www.rmdc.net/what-we-do/senior-services/transportation.html

https://dphhs.mt.gov/sltc/aging/

https://thehrdc.org/senior-services/senior-transportation/

Edited August 22 by Yeah No

Gramto6 · August 22

Thanks for those links @Yeah No, but those aren't in my area. I was just going to google my county Ravalli and the one north of me where the city most of my drs are located when I saw your post. I'll see what I can find so I know what is available if the need arises. Thanks for the starting point.

shapeshifter · August 22

1 hour ago, Gramto6 said:

Oh Hail NO! I left CA 20 years ago and won't ever move back there! My family is all there and I visit when I can, but I don't care to ever move back. I love my quiet country life here in MT too much!

There are a lot of rural areas in CA.
But I'm now realizing even 30 minutes away is going to be an inconvenience for my daughter to help me now that she's got 2 kids too.

chitowngirl · August 22

3 hours ago, Yeah No said:

The first thing is lower your windows ASAP before the water gets too high to do it. It may be the only way you can escape your car. If not they make tools that will shatter the shatter resistant glass. Some get better reviews than others, another thing to look into.

You can remove the headrest and use the ends to break the glass. The problem with the tool is that you may not be able to get to it when you need it…

Absolom · August 22

1 hour ago, Gramto6 said:

Thanks for those links @Yeah No, but those aren't in my area. I was just going to google my county Ravalli and the one north of me where the city most of my drs are located when I saw your post. I'll see what I can find so I know what is available if the need arises. Thanks for the starting point.

And odd thing my doctor reminded me of when I needed my shoulder xrayed is that the health system my doctor is in provides transportation to and from medical appointments if needed. I've never seen it advertised, but twice now someone has asked if I need help because of an injury. It's worth a look.

1 hour ago, shapeshifter said:

There are a lot of rural areas in CA.
But I'm now realizing even 30 minutes away is going to be an inconvenience for my daughter to help me now that she's got 2 kids too.

I promised my kids that I would move closer to them as I aged. I won't be states away and refuse to move like my mom and stepdad. They kept telling me that they were fine and they were until they weren't. I'm an only child so it all fell on me. Anyway, last week my kids reminded me of my promise and inquired if I was ready to enact the next step.

Ancaster · August 22

36 minutes ago, Absolom said:

I promised my kids that I would move closer to them as I aged. I won't be states away and refuse to move like my mom and stepdad. They kept telling me that they were fine and they were until they weren't. I'm an only child so it all fell on me. Anyway, last week my kids reminded me of my promise and inquired if I was ready to enact the next step.

If they're bringing it up, that suggests to me that they're concerned about you and perhaps it is time. It's certainly easier to make a big move/life adjustment when you've still got all your marbles!

nokat · August 22

5 hours ago, ginger90 said:

Are you referring to Dial-A-Ride?

There's that and Meals on Wheels to keep people fed and get them to appointments. There may be senior services available.

nokat · August 22

1 hour ago, Ancaster said:

If they're bringing it up, that suggests to me that they're concerned about you and perhaps it is time. It's certainly easier to make a big move/life adjustment when you've still got all your marbles!

I made the move, and darn it's hard with all your marbles. I did all of the sorting papers and downsizing, and thought, this is what I may have left them with, and I love them enough not to leave this for loved ones.

kristen111 · August 22

24 minutes ago, nokat said:

I made the move, and darn it's hard with all your marbles. I did all of the sorting papers and downsizing, and thought, this is what I may have left them with, and I love them enough not to leave this for loved ones.

Sorting your marbles must have been hard. My husband is leaving that to me and I don’t like it. So many papers over the years. My parents left the paid off house, one bank book and one insurance policy. It was easy. My husband has a lot from the job. He has to deal with that. I keep pushing things aside. We have three children. Two of them do NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING. One does EVERYTHING. Hospitalizations, house repairs, everything. Is equal the best way to go? Is that fair? We don’t want to offend anyone of them.

nokat · August 22

6 minutes ago, kristen111 said:

Sorting your marbles must have been hard. My husband is leaving that to me and I don’t like it. So many papers over the years. My parents left the paid off house, one bank book and one insurance policy. It was easy. My husband has a lot from the job. He has to deal with that. I keep pushing things aside. We have three children. Two of them do NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING. One does EVERYTHING. Hospitalizations, house repairs, everything. Is equal the best way to go? Is that fair? We don’t want to offend anyone of them.

I'm sorry about your two children. Your two will want equal, so it's easier to just give them equal. Do you have a shredder? It may make it easier. I have no children but a lot of shredded paper.

Ancaster · August 22

4 minutes ago, kristen111 said:

Sorting your marbles must have been hard. My husband is leaving that to me and I don’t like it. So many papers over the years. My parents left the paid off house, one bank book and one insurance policy. It was easy. My husband has a lot from the job. He has to deal with that. I keep pushing things aside. We have three children. Two of them do NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING. One does EVERYTHING. Hospitalizations, house repairs, everything. Is equal the best way to go? Is that fair? We don’t want to offend anyone of them.

I would suggest equal. Presumably your children will see the will and you risk destroying their relationships with each other if you discriminate. Families have fallen out over who gets what piece of jewelry.

SoMuchTV · August 22

On 8/22/2024 at 5:50 PM, kristen111 said:

We have three children. Two of them do NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING. One does EVERYTHING. Hospitalizations, house repairs, everything. Is equal the best way to go? Is that fair? We don’t want to offend anyone of them.

Maybe make some gifts in real time to Helpful Child, like “we appreciate you using your vacation time to help us out with xxxx. Please use this $$$ for a long weekend or whatever you want.” That way, Less Helpful Children have less recourse to claim “no fair!” Of course that’s assuming you are fairly confident you’ll have enough money to get you to the end. Of course, if you don’t, then they all get 1/3 of zero anyway.

Edited August 26 by SoMuchTV
left out a word

Ancaster · August 22

1 minute ago, nokat said:

I'm sorry about your two children. Your two will want equal, so it's easier to just give them equal. Do you have a shredder? It may make it easier. I have no children but a lot of shredded paper.

I moved relatively recently and I took two bags of financial/sensitive paperwork to FedEx to shred. Where paperwork is involved I have a tendency to be a bit of a hoarder.

Caoimhe · August 22

19 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

Maybe make some gifts in real time to Helpful Child, like “we appreciate you using your vacation time to help us out with xxxx. Please use this $$$ for a long weekend or whatever you want.” That way, Less Helpful Children have less recourse to claim “no fair!” Of course that’s assuming you are fairly confident you’ll have enough money to get you to the end. Of course, you don’t, then they all get 1/3 of zero anyway.

This is what my parents did. (My siblings weren’t unhelpful but regularly asked them for money.) Every time I came to visit they paid for many things and when I objected they would say it was to make things a bit more even.

kristen111 · August 22

44 minutes ago, nokat said:

I'm sorry about your two children. Your two will want equal, so it's easier to just give them equal. Do you have a shredder? It may make it easier. I have no children but a lot of shredded paper.

Thanks for your input. I think your suggestion is the best.

Dimity · August 22

1 hour ago, kristen111 said:

Is equal the best way to go? Is that fair? We don’t want to offend anyone of them.

I agree with others that if finances permit please consider giving cash gifts to the helpful child now and then keeping the will simple by dividing things three ways. Not so much so you aren't offending anyone but to make the life of your helpful child easier while your estate is being settled.

Absolom · August 22

3 hours ago, Ancaster said:

If they're bringing it up, that suggests to me that they're concerned about you and perhaps it is time. It's certainly easier to make a big move/life adjustment when you've still got all your marbles!

I did have COVID last week. They don't want me to just let the effort languish.

1 hour ago, nokat said:

I made the move, and darn it's hard with all your marbles. I did all of the sorting papers and downsizing, and thought, this is what I may have left them with, and I love them enough not to leave this for loved ones.

Yes, I'm still sorting. I do need to figure out a way to do this faster. Plus there is the problem of finding where to move TO.

Absolom · August 22

As far as equal goes, I'd divide what's left equally, but I would devise a way to benefit the helpful child now and outside the will. You could set up a trust just for that child and the others would never see it if you do it ahead of time or make large gifts or fund that child's children's education if that's a reasonable plan.

Bastet · August 22

20 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

WhenI am sick, I have a crew of three that do everything for me: me, myself, and I! LOL! 😸

Same here, as is true of many people; you just make it work.

1 hour ago, SoMuchTV said:

Maybe make some gifts in real time to Helpful Child, like “we appreciate you using your vacation time to help us out with xxxx. Please use this $$$ for a long weekend or whatever you want.” That way, Less Helpful Children have less recourse to claim “no fair!”

Yes, I think this is the way to go - the estate gets divided equally between the three kids, but the one who's stepping up gets significant (as finances allow) gifts while you're alive. You can give a lot without any tax implications.

I've always helped my parents and they've always helped me, but they've reached the age where I'm doing all the helping and it's more frequent. I can handle it, but it's tiring. Even though I'll get everything when the time comes, they still make sure to show their appreciation along the way.

nokat · August 23

2 hours ago, kristen111 said:

Thanks for your input. I think your suggestion is the best.

I didn't mean to be too harsh, but I've seen families torn apart. Who "deserves" what. I want things to be clear. But even then fights will happen over a quarter cent item.

Dimity · August 23

39 minutes ago, nokat said:

But even then fights will happen over a quarter cent item.

A close friend of mine was the executor of his father's will. Everything was divided equally but he was the one who had to put in the time into prepping the house for sale and this meant doing a lot of travelling. Anyway he asked the siblings if they would be ok if he took some money out of the estate to defray his gas and other expenses and they went absolutely ballistic "you're taking money out of MY pocket" kind of thing. It was really ridiculous as the siblings were not prepared to do anything except wait for their cheque.

Edited August 23 by Dimity

Bastet · August 23

30 minutes ago, nokat said:

But even then fights will happen over a quarter cent item.

And even in families where you wouldn't have expected it going in.

One of many reasons I'm glad to be an only child.

Calvada · August 23

I've always been single, so I've always had to deal when I've been sick. No one was going to the pharmacy for me, making me soup, bringing me a cup of tea. However, not long ago I broke my right foot and was unable to drive for 8 weeks. My siblings and a couple of nephews brought me groceries, did my laundry for me, took me to doctor appointments, took out my garbage/recycling, and did anything else I needed. I don't know how I would have managed without them. But I have to say while I was so grateful for their help, I absolutely HATED being so dependent on them! I've always been an independent cuss and I dread the day when I cannot be that anymore.

Dimity · August 23

1 hour ago, Bastet said:

One of many reasons I'm glad to be an only child.

I can't even imagine what it must be like to be an only child. But growing up there definitely were times when I used to wish I could find out!

Edited August 23 by Dimity

Calvada · August 23

11 minutes ago, Dimity said:

I can't even imagine what it must be like to be an only child. But growing up there definitely were times when I used to wish I could find out!

There were a lot of those times for me too! Now my siblings are my closest friends and their children and grandchildren are my heart But I'm really glad I don't have to live with any of them 🤣

Gramto6 · August 23

54 minutes ago, Calvada said:

I've always been single, so I've always had to deal when I've been sick. No one was going to the pharmacy for me, making me soup, bringing me a cup of tea. However, not long ago I broke my right foot and was unable to drive for 8 weeks. My siblings and a couple of nephews brought me groceries, did my laundry for me, took me to doctor appointments, took out my garbage/recycling, and did anything else I needed. I don't know how I would have managed without them. But I have to say while I was so grateful for their help, I absolutely HATED being so dependent on them! I've always been an independent cuss and I dread the day when I cannot be that anymore.

That is me to a "T"! In Dec of '22 I fell and broke 3 ribs and fractured a vertebrae. I was in a back brace for 3 months, couldn't drive the whole time. My friend who was a neighbor drove me to dr appts, took me shopping and was a big help. There was no way I would have gotten anywhere without her. Sadly she passed away in March of this year and I miss her a lot. I have another friend that has sort of taken her place when I couldn't drive for my hand surgeries, she took me and then when she was sick, her hubby took me. But aside from that, I, like you hated being dependent on them!! And I share your dread when the day comes I can't do it all any more.

Yeah No · August 23

11 hours ago, chitowngirl said:

You can remove the headrest and use the ends to break the glass. The problem with the tool is that you may not be able to get to it when you need it…

This is a common misconception and according to experts a poor solution in an emergency situation. Today's headrests are very difficult or even impossible to remove in many cases (mine is!) and you don't have enough time to get them free before a car sinks nor can you utilize enough force to make them actually break a window. Also today's windows are increasingly made of materials that make them very difficult or even impossible to break that way. You'd have to get it at just the right angle with the right force to even get anywhere. And who can do that easily in an emergency situation where seconds count? Keeping a dedicated tool handy in your console or other nearby compartment is actually much easier to get to than doing that and requires much less effort to use. Plus you don't want to wait until you are in an emergency situation to find out if breaking the glass with a headrest will work. Headrests are not designed to serve this purpose so whether or not you can be successful at it depends on a lot of factors and in most cases would likely not work. My husband drives for a living and worked in the automotive business for decades and makes it his business to know such things.

https://resqme.com/can-a-headrest-be-used-to-break-a-window/#:~:text=There is a common misconception,consequences%2C especially during car entrapment.

https://carseatblog.com/38120/mythbusters-vehicle-headrests-are-meant-to-break-vehicle-windows/

Yeah No · August 23

12 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

Thanks for those links @Yeah No, but those aren't in my area. I was just going to google my county Ravalli and the one north of me where the city most of my drs are located when I saw your post. I'll see what I can find so I know what is available if the need arises. Thanks for the starting point.

https://www.ravalliccoa.org/transportation/

Yeah No · August 23

11 hours ago, Absolom said:

I promised my kids that I would move closer to them as I aged. I won't be states away and refuse to move like my mom and stepdad. They kept telling me that they were fine and they were until they weren't. I'm an only child so it all fell on me. Anyway, last week my kids reminded me of my promise and inquired if I was ready to enact the next step.

I'm an only child too and my father refused to move closer to me. He was a New Yorker all his life and had many friends in the city so it would have been difficult for him. But he was 100 miles and over 2 hours away from me so it was a lot on me in his final years. I understood, though, and had to rely on local support for him. He lived in an apartment building with a lot of people that knew him forever plus he had friends in the area and one long time friend and helper that took care of his cleaning and other things toward the end. He was OK for the most part. It was Covid that got him early in the pandemic and that was very difficult for me as I was not there when he was taken to the hospital nor when he passed. Although he would have died alone in the hospital anyway because back then no one was allowed to go there.

6 hours ago, Dimity said:

I agree with others that if finances permit please consider giving cash gifts to the helpful child now and then keeping the will simple by dividing things three ways. Not so much so you aren't offending anyone but to make the life of your helpful child easier while your estate is being settled.

I am all for this. I was up close and personal with a friend's family situation where two brothers were equal trust fund recipients. One brother was very helpful and dedicated to the aunt in question while the other was most decidedly not, in fact he acted like he was entitled to more than he was getting, which was supposed to be equally split. In the end the aunt gave the helpful brother cash gifts that the other brother didn't know about. Even so the non-helpful brother suspected it was happening and griped about it, but there wasn't any proof nor could he have done much about it anyway. In fact, in the end he made such a fuss over wanting more money that he completely alienated the aunt which made her change her will to give him less money. My friend, who is a lawyer, was actually afraid of what his brother might do to him when she did this and he couldn't convince her not to - he was that afraid of his brother's reaction. He suffered many nights of no sleep after that but the brother didn't even confront him over it. He instead moved 2 states away and now they have no contact at all and probably never will. It's very sad. So my vote goes to doing things "under the table" like giving cash or it can result in something much worse.

Yeah No · August 23

3 hours ago, Dimity said:

I can't even imagine what it must be like to be an only child. But growing up there definitely were times when I used to wish I could find out!

I'm an only child and growing up I never really thought about having sibling although as an adult I have wondered what that would have been like. I guess I just accepted it as a fact of life. When I was a kid I did feel like the odd person out because of it, because everyone I knew had siblings. It was just one more thing that made me different from everyone else I knew and in my kid's mind, inferior. And it didn't help that those other kids also saw me as lacking and inferior.

My parents were unique and wonderful individuals who my later teenage friends thought were the best parents ever, but unfortunately young kids often don't understand those things. If you or your parents are not "like them" for any reason you can be ostracized and put down, and that's what I suffered as a kid. In my case I would have liked to be "like the other kids" if only so that I would be accepted by them. Now I look at that much differently but it doesn't help how I felt as a kid.

Anela · August 23

I didn’t like being the eldest kid. I liked having a sibling, but wished that I had an older one, too.

Browncoat · August 23

9 hours ago, Dimity said:

A close friend of mine was the executor of his father's will. Everything was divided equally but he was the one who had to put in the time into prepping the house for sale and this meant doing a lot of travelling. Anyway he asked the siblings if they would be ok if he took some money out of the estate to defray his gas and other expenses and they went absolutely ballistic "you're taking money out of MY pocket" kind of thing. It was really ridiculous as the siblings were not prepared to do anything except wait for their cheque.

That's me, except my siblings are encouraging me to take a little extra money for my expenses.

8 hours ago, Calvada said:

I've always been single, so I've always had to deal when I've been sick. No one was going to the pharmacy for me, making me soup, bringing me a cup of tea.

This is also me. When I'm sick, I just do the bare minimum, which usually means feeding myself, and shifting from the bed to the couch in the mornings and back to bed in the evenings. I'm one of those weirdos who doesn't have a television in the bedroom. If it's a planned incapacitation, like a surgery, I'll do a lot of meal prep beforehand, so all I have to do is heat food up in the microwave.

ginger90 · August 23

10 hours ago, Dimity said:

A close friend of mine was the executor of his father's will. Everything was divided equally but he was the one who had to put in the time into prepping the house for sale and this meant doing a lot of travelling. Anyway he asked the siblings if they would be ok if he took some money out of the estate to defray his gas and other expenses and they went absolutely ballistic "you're taking money out of MY pocket" kind of thing. It was really ridiculous as the siblings were not prepared to do anything except wait for their cheque.

In New York, as an example, (since I’ve “been there, done that”) Executor fees are typically paid during the creditor portion of probate proceedings. After the estate's bills are paid, the executor can collect payment before the rest of the estate is distributed to the beneficiaries. The fee, or commission is based on a percentage. Some things are excluded from that calculation, such as trusts and joint accounts.

Bastet · August 23

15 hours ago, Dimity said:

I can't even imagine what it must be like to be an only child.

Great, for me at least. I never wished for a sibling. I had friends my age on the block, so there was always someone to play with when I wanted, but I didn't have someone in my space when I wanted to be alone. I've always enjoyed my own company. I mentioned this conversation to my mom, who is also an only child, this morning and she felt the same way.

Absolom · August 23

17 hours ago, Dimity said:

A close friend of mine was the executor of his father's will. Everything was divided equally but he was the one who had to put in the time into prepping the house for sale and this meant doing a lot of travelling. Anyway he asked the siblings if they would be ok if he took some money out of the estate to defray his gas and other expenses and they went absolutely ballistic "you're taking money out of MY pocket" kind of thing. It was really ridiculous as the siblings were not prepared to do anything except wait for their cheque.

As the executor he was entitled to a fee usually a percentage of the estate and quite likely expenses. (As said above it should have simply been paid as part of the process.)

13 hours ago, Yeah No said:

I'm an only child too and my father refused to move closer to me. He was a New Yorker all his life and had many friends in the city so it would have been difficult for him. But he was 100 miles and over 2 hours away from me so it was a lot on me in his final years. I understood, though, and had to rely on local support for him.

It wasn't the same for me. My parents used to live here. They up and moved over half a continent away and then their solution was for me to sell my house and move closer to their now chosen location. It did not happen. They also did not move to a city with scheduled airline service or even direct flights to the closest large airport. I, therefore, had to fly to say Las Vegas or Houston, and then get a flight to the closest airport, rent a car, and drive an hour and a half. I'm currently between 130 and 145 miles from my kids and can still drive it myself. Tell me about things being "a lot" when you have a full day of travel each way not to mention the price of unscheduled airline trips and the havoc that comes to life when your parents choose to move away, refuse to accept they need help, fire the help you hire, refuse assisted living, and do not call when emergencies occur. They then have a big emergency requiring your presence when you have pneumonia and can't fly off at the drop of a hat and you are the sole person on the planet who can sign the paperwork for what needs to be done. The state where they chose to live required that certain things must be done live and in person. That's why I refuse to be that kind of burden on my kids. I also made absolutely sure not leave the burden to an only child. If they are only slightly nervous, then I'll try to improve my schedule to relocate and again it is less than 150 miles away and does not require airline service or rental cars. Plus they moved away from here, I did not choose to have them leave. So I'll be leaving my doctors, my dentist, my housekeeper, my hairdresser, and my friends. It also isn't surprising that I'm not in a hurry.

So I've seen it or I'm seeing it from both sides. I'll still be moving to make life easier for them.

Edited August 23 by Absolom
To reference prior post.

shapeshifter · August 23

39 minutes ago, Absolom said:

…My parents…up and moved over half a continent away…They also did not move to a city with scheduled airline service or even direct flights to the closest large airport. I, therefore, had to fly to say Las Vegas or Houston, and then get a flight to the closest airport, rent a car, and drive an hour and a half. …That's why I refuse to be that kind of burden on my kids.…

Pretty much the same for me. (I chopped your post down to the parts that are most similar, but my parents moved to Hawaii.)
I've made the move to be near one of my kids, but, as I've mentioned some pages upthread, I'm still unsettled after almost 3 years.

I didn't know the area, so I rented first. But I then bought and moved again before I knew the area well enough.
Over 20 years ago I met a physics professor who was into the cycles of the planets, sun, moon, etc.
He advised that it takes 2 cycles (years) to get to know a place.
I agree.
I just didn't follow the that axiom.

Edited August 23 by shapeshifter

Absolom · August 23

I read some advice years ago now that before one moves to be with the kids, it's best to rent a furnished place for six months on a month to month lease. I can't remember the numbers, but a large number of people packed it in by two months. I can believe it especially for people still able to live on their own. It's hard changing a way of life and starting so many things over especially if one moves before needing a lot of help.

I hope you get things settled in soon. Moving is rarely fun.

Dimity · August 23

15 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Pretty much the same for me. (I chopped your post down to the parts that are most similar, but my parents moved to Hawaii.)
I've made the move to be near one of my kids, but, as I've mentioned some pages upthread, I'm still unsettled after almost 3 years.

We had always talked about moving when we retired but then our kids got married and had children of their own. So then I used to say we couldn't move because I needed to be near my grandkids. And that's still true. But as you and others have noted as we've gotten older we've also gotten more concerned about what happens if we need extra help.

My husband had surgery a few months ago and it was a relief to know if we needed rides to the hospital or physio or just someone to pick up a few groceries they were a phone call away.

That said we are so lucky. The small town we live in has awesome services for seniors (aged 55 and up -- not sure how I feel about 55 being considered a senior 😃) at prices that are seriously subsidized, or even free in a lot of cases. It would take a lot for us to move now.

Edited August 24 by Dimity
wonky huge spacing

chitowngirl · August 23

nm-I was in the wrong thread!

Edited August 24 by chitowngirl

lookeyloo · August 23

There is a line in the musical Pippin sung by the granny character and it is "the one thing to be sure of is, there's nothing to be sure of".

I have two grown sons. One lives with his family in the PNW. Not my favorite place to live in winter. The other one was in Atlanta where we liked, and he said "let's face it Mom, I am going to be the one seeing to your (and Mr. Lookeyloo's) care, and it would be more convenient if you were here. Even before he moved here, I liked it. so, Mr. Lookeyloo retired and we moved. And then Sweet Son got cancer and died. So, here we are. Great plan and all that. Other son and blessed daughter in law still want us to move to the PNW but, I can't see my dotage in that weather when I am a sunshine loving girl - really old lady. So far we are doing okay but all of our friends are aging too, and they are here mostly without family. Corporate moves and such.

Ancaster · August 23

11 hours ago, Browncoat said:

That's me, except my siblings are encouraging me to take a little extra money for my expenses.

My brother, who did all the work as executor, just took expenses out - it never even occurred to me to question him or get upset. He kept an account of the expenses and gave me a copy, but I barely glanced at it, since if anything, he probably under-represented the costs.

Stories of siblings becoming estranged because of petty/unwarranted arguments over wills are both horrible and sad. My brother and I aren't particularly close, but thank goodness we were raised not to get upset about this kind of thing. At one point we went through the jewelry and other stuff of sentimental value and went turn and turn about choosing what we wanted.

shapeshifter · August 23

9 minutes ago, Ancaster said:

Stories of siblings becoming estranged because of petty/unwarranted arguments over wills are both horrible and sad.

In these cases I assume either they were just looking for an excuse to permanently part company, or there was bad parenting that seeing each other reminded them of.
Does that make sense?

Ancaster · August 23

31 minutes ago, lookeyloo said:

I have two grown sons. One lives with his family in the PNW. Not my favorite place to live in winter.

I'm not sure where your son is in the PacNW, but east of the Cascades is a lot less rainy than west (Seattle, Portland, etc). Bend, Oregon, is known for its retiree community and there's an airport there with flights to Portland, etc. I assume there are similar places in Washington. Ashland in southern Oregon gets about half the rainfall of Portland.

lookeyloo · August 23

34 minutes ago, Ancaster said:

I'm not sure where your son is in the PacNW, but east of the Cascades is a lot less rainy than west (Seattle, Portland, etc). Bend, Oregon, is known for its retiree community and there's an airport there with flights to Portland, etc. I assume there are similar places in Washington. Ashland in southern Oregon gets about half the rainfall of Portland.

Suburb of Tacoma. We have been there in all seasons over the years. Not for me for 9 months of the year. In the best of times, even though I am with loved ones, it brings me down.

Ancaster · August 23

2 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

In these cases I assume either they were just looking for an excuse to permanently part company, or there was bad parenting that seeing each other reminded them of.
Does that make sense?

Yes it does, but it still makes me sad.

Sign In

Chit-Chat: What's On Your Mind Today?

Recommended Posts

Link to comment

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

Mountainair

Bethany

isalicat

Posted Images

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment

Link to comment