the-grey-lady

What do I have to do to ensure that I never again her the term "guard her heart" on national TV? Is Becca's heart some sort of priceless artifact? Why on Earth does it require 24-hour monitoring?

WHY do we have to put up with the cheesy "You never know what's going to happen next!" voiceovers at the beginning of every season? Newsflash, Jessa: You may not know what's going to happen next, because you are a dolt. The viewing audience knows exactly what's next for the Duggar clan: courtship, marriage, babies, babies, babies. NONE OF YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE.

Now now, Greekmom, Angela is only FIFTY-TWO, not fifty-four. We agree about the idiocy.

"I think I just need to hit rock bottom before I can begin my climb back to the top," says Sean. As his care assistant empties his pee bucket, cleans up his pizza boxes, and washes the rashes between his fat folds. Where exactly is rock bottom, Sean, and how will you know you've arrived?

Annie [on the phone with her mom]: David's daughter, Ashley, breeds like a rabbit. She's insane. Ashley: Annie met my dad in a sex bar! Host: How're things between Ashley and Annie now, David? David [cluelessly]: I think things are getting better!

From your fingers to God's ears, Galloway. But if know the Brown Klowns, they'll always find time for social media, no matter how "busy" they are.

Now now, Jen. That's asking a lot. Getting off his ass is a lot harder for David than for pretty much any other human alive.

Every word of this was gold. GOLD, Pepper. Once Pedro and Sister Pedro left the House O' Horrors, Mama Chantel started speaking her halting, broken Spanish. She had, as far as we'd seen, made no attempt to speak it to the ACTUAL SPANISH SPEAKERS in her house, but once they were gone, she was all in on the Espanol. Who the HELL was she talking to? Come to think of it, that's a reasonable question about Mama Chantel every time we see her. She's always pontificating in her over annunciated way, and no one is ever paying her the slightest bit of attention. I can never stand Nicole, like most decent people, but this episode pushed me over the edge. First, she couldn't be bothered to do the barest bit of research and get a paper required for her dream wedding. THEN, upon realizing that she's going to have to break the no-wedding news to Azan's family, she turns the corners of her mouth down like a sad clown and starts whimpering and begging Azan to speak for both of them, so terrified she is of hurting Azan's mother's feelings, or, more likely, of acknowledging the damage she's caused. I have a feeling the majority of Nicole's life has been spent attempting to evade any and all responsibility FOR ANYTHING, May included.

I just marathoned all three episodes of this show (I know, I know), and I can't for the life of me figure out what the point is. Was somebody at ABC sitting around one day, mulling new show ideas, and then think, "You know what we need? A show for people who think The Bachelor takes relationships too seriously!"? And how does Jesse Palmer keep a straight face when he informs each rejected contestant that he/she has "nothing to be ashamed of"?

I noticed that comment, and I was waiting for Nicole to whip out her wedding dress on the spot with a big, stupid grin on her face as Azan's family got a good look at it. I don't understand Annie. She's 25 and she wants a family...seems reasonable. Did she honestly think that an unemployed man closing in on 50 -- who long ago had a vasectomy -- would be a great choice to father her children?

I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read this. Otherwise you'd owe me a new keyboard, Ketzel.

I've been thinking about this episode since I endured it yesterday. I should probably be ashamed to admit that, but... I can't for the life of me figure out what James and Lisa's rationale was for appearing on this show twice. Clearly, neither of them had any intention of actually, you know, doing anything to facilitate actual weight loss. They spent their first two-hour block complaining that they couldn't get to Houston even though it was James's last chance, blah blah, and then they got there and proceeded to...do nothing. Only this time from Texas. And now here they are again, whining and carrying on about how they need help even though they are absolutely unwilling to lift even one finger to help themselves. (In James's case, the finger-lifting is metaphorical. I'm sure he can't lift any of his fingers.) I just don't see what their endgame is. We know that the show doesn't pay much, so money seems like a poor motivator. James has never actually gotten weight loss surgery, and undoubtedly never will. What's the freaking point of having these two slugs on our TVs? Nothing satisfied these two leeches. "We don't know what's going on with James's legs!" "That's dead tissue. Circulation can't get to those parts of his legs." "No one will tell us what's happening to James's legs! We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas!" And did I hear James complaining to Dr. Now about how the doctor always blames James's eating for his weight? Damn, Dr. Now, that's cold. No way the weight of an 800-lb. man could be even loosely correlated to all the crap food he's been shoveling into his gaping maw.

He's got that first part right. Size of a freight train, yes. Moving? Um, no.

Do you pronounce CeAir/SeaAir like I'm assuming you do (SEE-Ayr)? 'Cause if so, um... Speaking of Chantel, her, "I'm putting my foot down" routine was appalling. "No, Pedro, I insist that you go on a vacation and spend four days in a cabin with people who clearly loathe you!" If she and/or Pedro's family really want to clear the air, why not try an actual APOLOGY? You know, how when you make a mistake and are rude to someone, you then admit the mistake to said wronged party? All this blathering about starting fresh without any attempts to actually FIX the situation? Jorge is all, "Anfisa was really mean to me, but I miiiiiiiissss her!" His lack of self-respect knows no bounds. And I could happily have gone the rest of my life without seeing/hearing Annie's simulation of David's sexual habits. If I were her, I'd have a houseguest there every damn night of the week.

Your entire post was sheer genius, but this part nearly made me spit coffee on my keyboard. Am I the only one who remembers that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry starts using the low-flow showerhead? Russ looks like a low-rent Jerry Seinfeld. And Pao looks...well, let's just go with low-rent in general. If Jorge's sister's boobs get any bigger, they're going to block out the sun. Seeing the poor kids on this show breaks my heart. Gee, I can't imagine why Olivia doesn't want a stepfather who's NINE YEARS YOUNGER THAN SHE IS and looks like a smirking, greasy puppet? Shocking! And Kinsley reacting badly to the arrival of a new "father" whom she's never met? Stunning! And I have no words for poor little May, stuck in that filthy hovel with a mother who can't be bothered to look up from her phone. Chantal and Pedro are so freaking boring. Oh noes, Pedro keeps sending all of his money "home!" If only Chantal had had some sort of clue beforehand! Oh, Chantal, cheer up. You're not second in Pedro's life. You're third, unless he's got some other money-grubbing relatives we haven't met yet.

Trying to parse FP's logic here. "We're moving to Toledo! I won't identify my son in a body bag!" [a few days later] "All hail my son, the new leader of a violent gang!" Um, what?

Okay...I simply cannot be the only viewer who chortled at the sight of Cheryl in a red cape, packing treats into her whicker basket...

When I first started watching the Brown Klowns, I assumed Kody would eventually see the light and cut his hair, too. I am now firmly convinced that he is incomprehensibly attached to that bizarre broom on his head and will never cut it, even when his hairline starts at his ears.

Oh, Anfisa...I missed your dead-eyed stare, propensity toward physical violence, and charmless face o' plastic. No, wait. I didn't miss that at all. These two are loathsome. Jorge should feel lucky that he didn't end up with some controlling American "feminist."

I'm just finishing up the glorious Dani/Mo trainwreck, and I think I'd blocked out some of their endless bullshit. If Danielle says yet again that she wants to talk to Mohamed *one more time*, I'm going to stick my head in an oven. IT'S NOT ONE MORE TIME WHEN YOU COME BACK EVERY OTHER DAY. "I'm going to tell Mohamed I'm over him!" Yeah, suuuuure you are. "Pathetic" isn't a strong enough word. ETA: "Please leave." "I'm not going to let you make this about you!" "Please leave." FFS, Danielle. You don't look pathetic AT ALL. My husband watched part of this with me. Somehow our marriage survives.

Who cares whether Bailey cuddles with every average size man from here to Canada? The point is she doesn't want to cuddle with Lee, so she shouldn't have to, and he should quit bothering her about it. That doesn't make her picky or frigid; it makes her human, and him an asshole.

#robynpleaseproofreadyourhashtagsimbeggingyou

Am I missing something here? 2700 people "like" a picture of two trash bags? Maybe I should start schilling pictures of the clumps of hair in my shower drain and see if I can match Janelle's popularity.

You know, every so often I think we're reached the pinnacle of "My 600-lb. Life" craziness. Honestly, I thought Schenee's boyfriend reassuring her that Dr. Now was intimidated by Schenee's considerable intelligence was the height of hilarity. Then Bettie Jo and her "cancer" returned to my screen, and her Cro-magnon husband threw a tantrum on camera. This show's editors are truly doing God's work. (My dad, like a few other loved ones of commentators, died of cancer: gliobastoma. It was sheer, unadulterated Hell. Fuck anyone who uses cancer as a sympathy card.) Ooh, ooh! I almost forgot my favorite part of Josh's outburst. He's all, "I know you need to use a telescope to diagnose cancer, and Bettie Jo hasn't had that, but Dr. Now shouldn't be telling us we don't know if she has cancer." Um, okay.

Assuming Meri and Kody were already "spiritually united" at the point of their legal marriage, I'm guessing they would still be considered married. I'm going to assume that was the case. If K&M needed to "remarry" post-divorce, I'm sure they wouldn't have passed up the chance to write a new family mission statement and force 200 of their closest friends to listen to them read it out loud.