the-grey-lady

Watching Darcey get all twitterpatted about Jesse's park date -- "We've been to a park BEFORE! In AMSTERDAM! This is just LIKE THAT! He's so ROMANTIC!" made me want to hide under a blanket. Meanwhile Jesse's planning to embark on a very long plane ride in order to, as a gentleman does, break up with Darcey in person. What a charmer. Paul: I never saw that coming. Me: Literally everybody else did. I mean EVERYBODY.

He's a rapper/ish. I'm tempted to link one of the videos Whitney made with him, but you seem like an awfully nice person...

Jana likes to do contracting work. I like to yell at the TV. Jana: So lately I've been thinking about doing this kind of stuff for other people, outside of the family. Me: You mean LIKE A JOB?

I'd like to thank the TLC muckety-mucks for editing out Michelle's inevitable birthday speech about how JD is such "a blessing" and Jana has such "a servant's heart." I'd like to have breakfast sometime soon, and Michelle's assembly-line-of-kids speech will make that less likely.

This picture is a. brilliant, and b. going to haunt my dreams. Love how Angela was totally fine with Michael's original BeeJay explanation, that he was simply accepting one as payment for giving a woman a ride home, as if extracting sex as payment for a favor is TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE.

I am shocked -- SHOCKED, I TELL YOU -- to hear that Michael was not being entirely honest with Angela. I was picturing that errant BJ thusly: Good Samaritan Michael was offering some poor wayward soul a ride home, whistling and thinking about whether he'd have time to deliver some Meals on Wheels before he had to get home to his great-grandma, a leper, when... Michael: Whaaaat? What do you have your in your MOUTH? I mean, as long as you're down there... I agree that Angela had no reason to expect fidelity from a man she'd chatted with a few times, but geez, what a ridiculous lie. I can't believe she bought it in the first place.

When CH started assuring us that all of our "favorites" from this season would be returning to dish the show's dirt, I saw a shot of Tia yammering and I was momentarily shocked. I had honestly forgotten she was on this season. What a glorious few days that was.

I like talking to the TV while I watch this show. Darcey: I'm not going to look like a fool. Me: I think that ship has sailed, homeslice. And oh my, why are Darcey's girls the voice of reason in this shitshow? Darcey's Daughter: You guys are acting like you're my age. Darcey [cluelessly]: I'm glad you guys are enjoying the dinner. "Enjoying" isn't the word I'd choose, Darce. Both girls looked miserable stuck there with their dramatic, needy mother and her cold, passive-aggressive boytoy.

Oh, Suzy. Don't give our fashion maven Tarik any ideas.

Annaliese was madly, forever in love, hearts-and-flowers with Jordan, Kamil, and...who else? Goodness, I've already blocked out one of her soulmates.

I'm glad I wasn't drinking coffee when I read this, Stan. Otherwise you'd owe me a new laptop.

Honestly? FOUR fall-related hashtags? Are seasons hot and trending on Twitter?

You know, reading about Tarik's mesh shirt/tank top combo was so different than actually seeing it. Is he auditioning to be in a Right Said Fred video?

I was honestly impressed by Eric...how idiotic he was, that is. He tells Angela he's "all in" and that he won't go out with anyone else. Then Cassandra shows up, and he ditches Angela in a nanosecond. He tells Cassandra he and Angela are just friends. Then, when confronted by Angela, he insists that "all in" does not, in fact, mean "all in," and that in fact SHE was the one who wasn't committed enough to their faux-lationship. Even though HE is fresh off of slobbering all over Cassandra. THEN he pivots again when talking to Cassandra, and spews some random load of gibberish about how important honesty is to him. I just can't even.

[Chris Harrison walked into a subdued scene, with Shushanna crying and a couple hangers-on attempting to comfort her.] Chris: Hey, guys! Sorry to break up the party! AHAHAHAHAHA!

This effing show. I just can't. Annaliese: I think Kenny might be the one. We're one of the strongest couples here. [One day later] Annaliese: I think Kamil might be the one for me! Also, I must marry someone as soon as possible. ***************** Jenna [to Connor]: I've got a thing with Nick. I wouldn't accept a date from anyone else. Jenna [to Nick]: I only want to be with you. [five minutes later] Jenna: It wouldn't be right to turn down a date with Connor. I need to be open to my options. ******************* Leo is such a gaslighting jackass. Leo: It hurt my feelings that you got upset with me because I kissed someone else! Kendall: Well, did you? Leo: Yes, but everyone lied about me. Kendall: Lied about what? Leo: That doesn't matter. You never liked me anyway! Also, Chelsea is stunning. Why is no one interested in her?

"Where I'm from, we don't eat fancy food like this." Fancy. Like salad. And chicken. Ai-yi-yi.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but the sight of drunk Joe and tipsy Jordan giggling madly was genuinely endearing. Perhaps I've been conked on the head with a coconut or something. Or I've ingested one too many narcotics in an attempt to forget about the Tia/Colton dreck. Love the editing on this show. Kendall: I feel like Leo might be the most right guy for me. I feel safe with him. He might be the right long-term partner for me. We have, after all, had one whole date, and I must decide RIGHT NOW. Leo: I'm going to make out with Chelsea as soon as possible.

I don't understand the point of the pregnancy test in the first place. Paul seems to think that a negative pregnancy test=Karine's fidelity. Um, does he realize it's possible to have sex without getting pregnant? (You can probably ask "does he realize it's possible" about Paul and many, many basic facts).

I canNOT take one more minute of Tia's weepy, unhinged obsession with Colton, a man who seems to wander through life with no thoughts or direction of his own. Tia: I'm over ColTON. I'm into Chris now. Chris is the ONE. Colton: Chris kissed Krystal. Tia: Whaaaaat? Chris, did you do that? Chris: Yes. Tia: Even though you said you liked me? Chris: Uh-huh. I meant that. Until I didn't. Tia: So you want to me with me? Chris: Yes. Also, no. Tia: Krystal, did you hear that? Krystal: Yep. Tia: I'm out of here. Chris: That's what I was thinking anyway. Tia: Actually, I still love ColTON. No one else can have him! ColTON, do you love me, too? Colton: No. Tia: Oh, well, you will. Colton: Yeah, whatever. Tia: I'm going to hold my breath until you agree to love me! LOVE MEEEEEEE! Colton: Uh, okay.

You've forgotten Dean already?!

Celia, let's be fair. Meri NEEDS all 25 of those rooms. One for her corn can painting, one for her wetbar, one for inspirational plaque construction, at least three for LLR inventory, one for ugly shoe storage, one for the display of false eyelashes and eyebrow tweezers, and at least 10 for the children she didn't get to have.

I could have done without the sight of groping, grasping Angela bouncing up and down, squealing about how she and Michael had sex two or three times (she didn't know? she couldn't recall?) while Michael searched for a rock under which to crawl. Seriously, she showed a serious lack of boundaries and concern for Michael's feelings while she was pawing him; the whole thing made me ill. "People are staring at me!" squeals Angela. Yeah, I can't imagine why anyone is looking at the braying, shrieking woman undressing a man in the street. Man, Hazel sure was upfront about her goals, wasn't she? Even Anfisa gave some lip service to how she liked Jorge for some reason or another, but Hazel was laser-focused on meeting an American man and having a life in America. Give her points for honesty, maybe?

Is it wrong that the hashtag #seeintomysoul made me laugh out loud like a loon?

Don't forget: #mariaheats #eatingwellinchicago #realityteeveestareats #brownfamilyfood #mariahinthecity I could do this all day.