saber5055

I had forgotten about those video clips the show inserted after every routine to make it look like the judges were actually voting on their scoring iPads. JLo's hand stand in had to change her nail color so the pre-taped clip matched her color of the week. That also took up some time that this season is filled with ... well, other stuff. As for judges pressured to "go with the majority," everyone is told ahead of time who and which team to put through. No one really believes this show and the judging is spontaneous, do they?

Because the California desert is "the perfect place to fall in love."

Every once in a while a clip will make me laugh, but on the whole, I agree. The clips chosen for every episode's winner is always a little kid saying something stupid. Even if there is only one clip of a kid saying something stupid, that's the one that is chosen winner. The best part is, while the (little kid) winner is being voted for, they show some clips that really are funny. Videos of people being injured don't phase me (or make me laugh), I figure if they want to be Johnny Knoxville or Steve-O Jackasses, that's fine with me. The clips that really REALLY bother me are the ones of growling, teeth-baring dogs snapping at their owners. Like that's funny? I would never accept any of those videos if I worked on the show or let one be shown. That's a dog headed for the euthanasia room because of crappy owners who don't know how to socialize a dog and shouldn't be allowed to own one. Agree that most if not (almost) all clips are staged. See Jackass reference above.

Nothing like stepping into something warm with your bare feet. I never gave that a thought when I was a kid, but now, even seeing it on tv, I'm so totally grossed. Funniest Videos seems to think that a little kid spitting on his birthday cake to put out candles is hee-larious.

And those were the best bad jokes I had this week. (Credit Jack O'Donnell/Brian Cranston, "Argo")

Here are some Thirsty Thursday jokes for @Trey and anyone else looking for a spirit lifter, liquid or otherwise. I've done my best, but it's up to the individual to decide if they lift anything, spirits or otherwise. I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. Bartender brought out a guy that looked just like me. San Serif and Times New Roman walked into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out of here, we don’t serve your type.” Ancient Roman walks into a bar. Bartender says, “What’ll it be.” Roman holds up two fingers and says, “Give me five beers.” A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!” The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.” A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar. A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door. Two friends are sitting at a bar; one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down. When he finally does, he says to his friend, "Sorry, it's a inside joke." And lastly, a PG-rated one. Hide the kids. A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did that little guy and the piano come from?" The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the lamp and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks. “What just happened?” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

Well that great euphoric happiest news ever lasted one day. WTH show. So Nick spouts a bunch of anti-Semitic hate sh*t, then posts a lengthy tirade defending it, THEN decides to apologize in a couple of sentences and gosh, buddy, all's right with the world now? And Fox takes him back? What, there are no other Black (or Jewish) hosts that could have taken his place and done a better job? They couldn't do a worse job. P.Diddy offered him a job on his new all-Black network. I wish he'd take it and be gone for good from my teevee.

I skipped last week because the week before was so irritating, but caught this week. I was hoping the duo with the suspenders would have gotten redemption, their routine was my fav of the night. I'm not a fan of Styles and Emma. I agree that tWitch is a great judge. He has much to add. I did think it rude of judges jumping up and running around dancers and bowing to them and telling them how GREAT they were before the second act had a chance to perform. Talk about a burn. Big ouch. The French Geometry guys were my favs that got sent through. I could see them winning the whole thing. Of course, not much on this show goes along with my way of thinking so I don't count on that happening!

Yeay! Nick is gone! And Tyra won't be the new host, so that's double good news. Yeay show! Talk about a 100-percent improvement. That would b SO FUNNY if Tom were hired as his replacement. Great ABC burn!

I heard on Ryan Seacrest's radio show that Clare and her men are sequestered in Palm Springs. They get tested every day for COVID, or at least temps taken every day. There is a stash of additional men being held at a different Palm Springs location so if one of the original Bachelors gets sick, a replacement will be pulled from this stash. According to the radio show, these additional guys don't know they are extras on hold. There was no mention of what would happen if Clare got sick!

Made on the first of the month for grilled-cheese day on the 15th? Then chucked under a heat lamp to warm them up a few hours before lunch bell rings?

I imagine those glove-wearing food-prep people to be picking their noses, coughing into their hands and scratching their butts with gloves on because, hey! gloves! Even filthy gloves keep hands clean. Don't do much to protect the food though. I respect Subway's rule of new sandwich, new gloves.

Nobody here watched America's Got Talent when Tyra was hosting? She was dreck-ful. I heard a theory that DWTS TPTB want more political people on, like all the ex WH staffers. Tom was outspoken against Spicer. I'd say look for more controversial political figures, like Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Sanders, Moochie and more. If they wanted more diversity, I would get rid of Bruno and CAI, replacing them with tWitch and Misty Copeland. And never, ever would I let Tom go. He's the star in DWTS.

Then don't turn on Rachel Ray's tv show. She doesn't even brush her scraggly mop of hair that's hanging down, shedding into every bowl and pan she uses. I can't even look. (So I don't. Just happened to flip it on one day, then immediately off again.)

Wow, @ams1001. Sorry to read that. Your posts are the highlights here. But congrats on becoming a Mod. (I think!)

I must have been on a high from actually finishing and submitting my taxes, then mowing the back yard, two major accomplishments in one day. Because I liked so many of these acts. The come-back comedian I thought was so funny. "Howie, remember when YOU were a comedian?" and "Simon, Fifty Shades of Tan." He gets a yes from me. Not sure how I felt about the puppet show with the dog, except the dog was well done, so I guess it gets a weak "yeah, okay" from me. The Backward Singer was so funny when he corrected Simon on the right way to say "crap" backward. Double burn! I thought the Chicken Scratch guy's song was funny. So sue me. Ninja Twins: "We got OLD!" So funny! i also thought Comedian John was funny. I told you I was on some kind of emotional high over those tax forms. The marching band ... I'm always a fan of marching-band drums. The rest can stay home, but they were okay too. More drums next time though. I also gave a big "hell yes" to the baton-twirling guys. They rocked. More drums and twirling men please. I guess my high started to wear off because I HATED the Acrobatic Aussie. Plus I was disappointed Simon didn't tell her how far away Australia is. Her act must have sucked more than I thought it did since we saw more of the judges' faces than the act. I would have been okay with seeing neither act nor judges. Opera Duo's start was soured by a close up of Simon's stank face, a premonition that he was going to X this act, which he did. Then he made fun of them because there was no audience (that would have had to respond to the big BOO and X signs they were shown so as to give the response TPTB wanted), then he revealed one of his reasons for doing this show: "That wouldn't sell any records." Yeah, we knew that's all you care about and why you let all these singers on the show, but it was pretty blatant to admit it like that. Meanwhile, I thought the Opera Duo was just fine and didn't need any Simon X. Which is why I'm not a judge on this show. The Black Feather singer ... Simon gets so stank when performers don't speak, yet he is the one who hires them. Make up your mind, Cowell. Then the singer says "America is so accepting." And Simon says, "Be authentic." What a load of BS. People get the sh*t kicked out of them for being different all the time in America, regardless of what some multi-millionaire white guy tells someone on the show he owns. The singing cowboy and dog were cute. Quite literally. Tommy Socks was hilarious. I gave him a big YES and wanted to see more. Black-suited dance group was good. Little Kid Dog Act ... eh. And I like dogs. It reminded me that AKC is accepting videos for dogs to get Trick titles during lockdown if anyone is interested. I wondered what happened to Bello Nock's daughter last season. She disappeared after being shot out of a cannon and getting four YESES. So she's back with her dad this time. Let's see if they both disappear again. Simon kicked Bello off a few years ago for being a crap clown act which I thought was a pretty bold rude thing to say to Ringling's head clown. Personally, I like Mr. Nock. The Dancing Dad and Kid got an immediate big fat red X from me. Yet it got four yeses. WTH. My tax euphoria has now totally worn off. Opera woman on horse got four red Xs from me. Hated her. I love horses but that was not an act nor a talent. Heidi: "I can't wait to see what you do next." Me: "I can." So Simon wears flowered pajamas at home? Making sure to unbutton the top down to his navel so his 60-year-old hairy chest can be seen and admired ... by him. At least he was honest when he said he was going to stay sitting and admire himself before commercial break. You have a fan club of one, Cowell. You. I just caught part of the ending credits that said Terry Crews owns the clothing company or has stock in the clothing company that furnishes wardrobe for AGT. Anyone know anything about that? In closing, I thought the tech guys backstage running the monitors were the best audience ever. Not being paid to laugh (I don't think), they were the first reactions I've seen on this franchise that felt genuine.

Country Mullet Man was a hoot. When he flew up that ladder and pushed the other guy off the platform (I don't know the names of these obstacles) before he even got a purchase, I was yelling out loud at my tv, it was so exciting. (Okay, so my life is boring.) Then he flew through MO like some wombat. His competition was nice eye candy so at least I got to look at him before Mullet Man sent him home, so there was that. I wonder how MM will stand up to my Captain Noah. Again, he isn't the big bulky gym-rat type either. I totally did not like the snowboard woman. Man, talk about her dishing the smack about how great she is and how SHE has an Olympic gold medal and yada yada. Then she totally got her butt kicked by a nurse. The Olympics should make her turn her medal in. But at the end, she was all "HEY, I'm Olympic gold, I'm coming back to reclaim my Titan title because I rock and I'm the best ever." Yeah, right lady, you wouldn't have had a Titan title at all if Dwayne hadn't given it to you for free. Because of posts here, I paid attention to the women's outfits this time, and ya'll are right, those stretch pants are like colored skin, and the red pants are pretty see through in the ass, and show everything from the butt crack on. The men are wearing shorts almost to their knees, with tights underneath. Is there some rule that says women have to be physically exploited or people won't watch? Or men won't watch? And women feel like they have to show off their ass to get socially accepted? I noticed the nurse winner kept tugging up on her pants, so they weren't that comfortable for her. And last week, the pants were getting pretty low on those two women. Conclusion: This is why I was rooting for Booty Shorts Thursday guy in that previous episode. I'm for equal rights in clothing.

I knew the Ryan Gosling episode would play the alien abduction sketch, and I wasn't disappointed. I wonder if Ryan asked for that hat so he could hide his face. The Papyrus sketch is my all-time favorite, as a designer who works with multiple clients, one of whom insists on Papyrus for her business name. The last frame of that video made me LOL, and REALLY loudly. Wicked humor on the writer's part, choosing Comic Sans for the title page -- that font is hated by all designers. And I have a client who wants all her ads created using Comic Sans. It's a standing joke. Maybe too inside for most viewers, but I sure got a kick out of it. Well done, show.

Except not as good, which isn't saying much.

That whole scene was hilarious, like the writers had just gotten done with watching a Three Stooges marathon and incorporated some of the stooge action into this script. I will say that Tasha's flip from under the table to take down one of the bad guys was pretty cool. Yeay for me spec-ing that Patterson was only partly dead. Is there a reason Jane had a black hood over her head while locked in the back of a solid-walled truck? Like an American traitor prisoner isn't suppose to know what prison she's going to or what route they're taking? What was up with Weitz getting shot in the side and then dying from it. Like going from giving gigantic monologues to instant dead. I guess the writers were running out of script time and had to move on STAT. I was laughing about Madeline having a champagne glass in front of her on the plane. I thought that had to be the zip she drank, but how did she know her jig was up so had the zip already in front of her? She was all about the pilot taking off NOW. But ... whatever I guess. The weather blew this channel off the air so I missed the next episode. I'll have to catch up by reading everyone's posts there, which is the best part of this series anyway.

I wasn't going to watch this crap show but tonight weather blew all my channels off and this was the only station that would come in so I saw the very last few minutes. It was so good! The woman star was talking to each of the men, saying exactly the same thing to each of them as the camera switched out the guys and left her the same, and not missing a beat of her speech. So hilarious! Then she ends up sending Marcus home. Wow, his rejection speech has to be at the top of dickwad rejection speeches. He wanted to "win this contest" because she is "pretty and a good kisser." Because that's the reason to have children together! Then he said a bunch more sentences that reinforced the fact the guy is a total jerkface and loser. I was too busy saying "Holy cow!" and "WTH!" to remember what they were. But they were golden in this franchise. Well done, Mr. Marcus! And good luck even getting a date if any women are watching this show. Ladies: Make sure you get a solid pre-nup with this guy, even for going on a date. Now I have to watch next week. Thanks a lot, show.

Some day I will tell the story of the bat I found in my bedroom one night. They feel like paper when they land on your head.

Out of respect for my friend @Trey, I honor her request for the return of Jokey Jokey Thursday. Because it's Thursday AGAIN, gang. How does that happen every week? First, to comment on @suebee1212's toad joke, last week I was sitting in the kitchen and a toad the size of a man's fist hopped across the floor. WTH! I caught it in a bucket, and that's when I learned toads have hands with fingers so they can jump up and grasp the top edge of any container they are in. I shook it back down and took it outside to live beyond my back-yard fence. This one is not a joke! I also have a frog that lives in my back yard. I ran over it once with the mower, and thank goodness it lived to hop away with all legs intact. The next time I mowed, it hopped out of the yard when I started the mower. Conclusion: Frogs are not stupid. Again: Not a joke. So it's safe to keep reading if you dare. I read in the Media thread the comments about Cheech Marin. I do know smoking pot causes short-term memory loss. Next thing you know, they’ll say smoking pot causes short-term memory loss. I’m not saying it’s bad here on Earth right now, but NASA is reporting that aliens flying by our planet are locking their doors. I had lunch at an outside restaurant last weekend. Two Karens were at the next table. The waiter stopped by and asked them, “Is anything okay?” Because of this Coronavirus, I’ve been washing my hands so much, this morning I found the answers to an old eight-grade math quiz. If I had five dollars for every math test I failed, I’d have 37 dollars. I told my doctor I am having trouble hearing. He said, “Well, can you describe the symptoms.” I said, “Sure, Bart’s a wise guy, Marge has blue hair, Homer’s kinda chubby ...” Woman says, “Doctor, for eight months now my husband thinks he’s a lawnmower.” Doctor says, “Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?” Lady says, “Well, the neighbor just returned him this morning.” Woman says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a chicken.” Doctor says, “Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?” She says, “Well, we needed the eggs.” My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression. I said, “Sure.” So he shouts, “NOT THE CRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” And he said, “Thanks, I’ve been practicing.” Now send the kids away or shield their eyes so you don't have to explain these PG-14-rated jokes. Broccoli says, “Hey, look at me, I’m a tree!” The mushroom says, “Wow, I look just like an umbrella!” The banana says, “Let’s talk about sports.” Young guy at the pharmacy buying his first pack of condoms. Pharmacist says, “That’ll be 10 dollars and 35 cents including tax.” The guy says, “Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves.” And finally this one, which is guaranteed to make every 12-year-old boy laugh: Do you know what a dinosaur fart is called? A blast from the past. That's all folks. Heading back into hibernation now ...

Last night was a rerun of the first auditions. I had it on as background for a while before flipping channels. But audition 1 seems so long ago, I had already forgotten the very first act of the season, the performing pigs, then the second act was BAD Salsa, which was better the second time around. After that ... I left so don't know. But it was strange to see the audience back, all 6 zillion of them, cheering and clapping and giving standing Os in unison. Like a Stepford Audience! I do not miss them at all.

I agree, but I also thought Wayne was wimping out in the upper-strength part too, when his ankle wasn't involved at all. Then jumping down the last row, he landed on his bad ankle when he could have held it up to land one-footed, which he did a couple of times. It's almost like he was using it as an excuse. JMHO, of course! I was wondering if Rock would ask any of these competitors to be in a future movie with him. They would make an awesome back-up bad-ass band for him.