Relationship Thread: Advice, Venting And Everything Else

[MrSmith]

53 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

scream LIAR!  a la Carole Kane in the Princess Bride.

One of the best scenes in cinema. :D :D :D

[KittyMom4]

12 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

Here's my question: once you've tested people by asking them a question you already know the answer to and they lie - and not just lie but lie so incredibly convincingly that you start to doubt your own sanity even though you know 200% what the real answer is and that they also know said answer - how do you handle it? Do you just try and maintain the facade of ignorance for the sake of getting through the situation and act like you believe them and are none the wiser? Do you call them out? Do you bide your time and then call them out once you are safely able?

I think it depends on how exactly it is affecting you, or your ability to do your job. Are they lying in order to keep a confidential matter confidential? Could it be they are trying to spare your feelings in some way? Here is what I'm getting at: I have access to extremely sensitive issues at my job, if someone asked me directly about one of those issues I would lie and say I have no knowledge of it. It is better than saying "Yes I know but I'm not telling you" because that just causes the asker to feel like they need to super triple promise not to tell anyone else, I won't jeopardize my job to satisfy their curiosity. 

The other situation is if they are lying to spare your feelings, we had a situation in our office a few years ago where 3 out of 4 of us were invited to a a wedding for one of our Executive's children. The 4th person was not excluded because the Executive didn't like her, they were just not as close with her as they were to the other 3 of us. In order to spare her feelings we did not talk about it when she was around. None of us wanted to be the one to tell her so we just tiptoed around it in conversations with her. She did find out, and yes her feelings were hurt, but in the end there was really no good way to handle it that wouldn't have hurt her feelings so it was a lose-lose situation. 

Just my thoughts, I hope you are able to get through this, no one likes to be lied to.

[DisneyBoy]

....who spent the night?

 

Sounds like a run of bad luck. Without completely knowing who you or your ex are, I would wager that this break-up is a good thing. Maybe you are flirtatious in a way that is disrespectful to your relationship. Maybe he's overly sensitive to the fact that he's dating a younger guy and assumes that means you are promiscuous and simply playing him. In any case it sounds like this relationship isn't headed anywhere good. If he doesn't trust you after the first year it's just not going to happen. I've never met a happy couple that said for the first year that they were dating they both assumed they were cheating on each other. Be glad that something good came out of this mess. It sucks that you guys still work together but that's why interoffice dating is so tricky.

 

Good luck with those car repairs! Don't have a nervous breakdown.

 

Edit : I am now totally lost as to which post I was just trying to respond to with the above comments. I can't see the original post. Hope it all worked out car repair guy who was dating an older coworker!

 

Thank you guys for your comments and perspective on my situation ("deceitful people "). The fact is I'm simply surrounded by liars and I can't do much about it safely. I have to stay in their good graces for the time being and calling them out won't help as I'm completely out numbered. I guess I just needed a place to vent. I've never in my life been in a situation like this before where I didn't seem to have any options, at least not any good ones.

Edited March 7, 2018 by DisneyBoy

[Mindthinkr]

What would you do? 

This is my last free weekend since the boyfriend is coming back to town Wednesday. I have a girlfriend who said that she missed me terribly and wanted to spend this time with me. Basically I’ve said no thank you to many offers of fun things to do because she was coming. I get a call Friday. Her boyfriend is back in town so could she please come Saturday @2 instead. I said ok. Saturday @3 I get a call. She got wasted and can’t drive, can we now postpone until Sunday @2. Then today she called at 7:30 am and said that it was raining hard (I looked at the radar. She would have only had to drive in rain for 30 minutes to get here) and she’d leave at noon. Now it’s almost 2 and she hasn’t texted to say that she’s left yet. Well I’m disappointed. There’s so much I could have done. Just looked at the radar again. Light drizzle for 15 miles and then she'd have been in the clear. Am I being too uptight because she still hasn’t left (and her being here until the same day the boyfriend comes home will effect my getting things done)? I’m sick of being housebound and on hold. Thanks. 

[walnutqueen]

Don't put your life on hold for anyone (except animals & kids).  Your girlfriend has been blowing you off for 3 days - time to go do your stuff and let her get stuffed.  She is being rude and inconsiderate.

[Mindthinkr]

Just now, walnutqueen said:

Don't put your life on hold for anyone (except animals & kids).  Your girlfriend has been blowing you off for 3 days - time to go do your stuff and let her get stuffed.  She is being rude and inconsiderate.

Well I’m trying not to be a LFC and calling her at this point to just say don’t bother. 

[walnutqueen]

12 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

Well I’m trying not to be a LFC and calling her at this point to just say don’t bother. 

You don't need to call her at all, unless you really don't want her to visit at all.  She is the one who "owes" you a phone call and yet another excuse explanation.  I'm just suggesting you don't sit around waiting for her ladyship to decide what is convenient for her.  Go run errands, and if she shows up, she can wait on the stoop or in her car.  

The doormat look isn't flattering on anyone ...  ;-)

[MrSmith]

20 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

Well I’m trying not to be a LFC and calling her at this point to just say don’t bother. 

I wouldn't call her. Just go do your stuff. If it inconveniences her, so much the better. If she bitches about being inconvenienced, you can respond however you choose. Personally, I would respond with "Look, bitch, you're the one who repeatedly blew me off in spite of supposedly missing me dearly and wanting to spend time with me. I've got shit to do instead of waiting around for your ass to deign to show up." Yes, that would be as sarcasm-laden as I could manage. Of course, that's just how I would respond, which probably wouldn't do very much for the longevity of the friendship. At the same time, I'm not in the habit of maintaining long-term friendships, either, and I also don't have much use for "friends" who have no respect for me. And this is definitely an issue of respect, in that she doesn't respect you or the fact she's repeatedly wasting your time.

[Mindthinkr]

29 minutes ago, MrSmith said:

I wouldn't call her. Just go do your stuff. If it inconveniences her, so much the better. If she bitches about being inconvenienced, you can respond however you choose. Personally, I would respond with "Look, bitch, you're the one who repeatedly blew me off in spite of supposedly missing me dearly and wanting to spend time with me. I've got shit to do instead of waiting around for your ass to deign to show up." Yes, that would be as sarcasm-laden as I could manage. Of course, that's just how I would respond, which probably wouldn't do very much for the longevity of the friendship. At the same time, I'm not in the habit of maintaining long-term friendships, either, and I also don't have much use for "friends" who have no respect for me. And this is definitely an issue of respect, in that she doesn't respect you or the fact she's repeatedly wasting your time.

You got how I felt right...disrespected. She actually called and wanted to put off her visit one more day (meaning she would have shown up today). I told her no. That she ruined my weekend and that frankly I was disappointed in her and wasn’t about to reschedule my life again for her. She felt bad but I’m not going to get over this so easily. She’s done it before. Next time she calls and wants to come (usually summer as I’m near a prime beach) I’m going to tell her sorry. I have other plans.  Her brother thinks that she is into the bottle a bit too deeply and a few other tIdbits about what’s going on. She has asked for and I’ve given her solid advice before. I do care for her but think that she might have bigger problems than I can help her with.  Now I think it’s time for me to back off and let her chips fall where they may. I have no need to be the Capt of a sinking ship. 

[emma675]

Mindthinkr, you did the right thing. Some friends get caught up in their own stuff and take advantage of us (many times without meaning to), so it's good to call them on it when it goes too far and set boundaries.

[JTMacc99]

It’s kind of sad that it took me until I was almost 50 to realize the power I hold over someone who lets me into their heart. 

It’s probably because my default setting is to do no harm, so I always am surprised when I hurt someone anyway. 

But think about it: kids have unconditional love for parents, and when parents hurt them even by just ignoring them, that ends up being the source of long term emotional issues. 

When I got into a neat but doomed relationship a couple years ago, I was granted the power to hurt her. And by accident, I did. (And her me. We had a knack, somewhat related to the changes we were coping with and had no business getting into a relationship. Also, she has issues, and I’m super attracted to pretty girls with issues. Don’t judge me.)  But we moved on, and do see each other fairly regularly. We can be friendly now. That took a while... Last week I was fighting some battles in my head and decided that my negativity probably shouldn’t interact with her if we crossed paths. 

We were going to cross paths, so I changed my route. Apparently she noticed and wow was she hurt. (Issues.) We’re 18 months past being anything. Yet somehow I still hold power to hurt her. And she me. 

We spoke, I let her know I was just in a funk, and I think we’re good. 

But I’m not sharing this story to look for support. I did that outside of the public forum. I share because I think it’s an important lesson. When you love someone, or they you, there is a tremendous amount of trust that has been exchanged to not do any harm. And that doesn’t go away.

[Zola]

I would love to know the secret of a long-term relationship!

Perhaps its me and my foibles and mannerisms; or perhaps its those of my partners. Or perhaps I just have great difficult find that right person that ticks all the right boxes!

I have this inherent inability to stick with someone for more than a few months before either they or I get bored and move on. So I am really amazed at how people like my parents and many many other couples can stay together through thick and thin for years, if not decades!

Perhaps its my impatient "youth" (am only 25); and the necessity to want to try something different, or that I really don't want to "settle down" because I know there might something better out there (similar to buying a smartphone - you use it for 12 months, become familiar, and then see a new version come out and you just want to have it!)

Perhaps I should just carry on as normal and worry about the "long term" thing when I touch 30  or 35.....

Edited May 28, 2018 by Zola

[riley702]

No answer to that. I just know I wasn't even close to fit to be in a relationship until my 30s, and by then I kinda liked doing my own thing. In retrospect, I would have screwed up marriage and kids, so I'm at peace with that not happening. Fewer life regrets.

[Bastet]

10 hours ago, Zola said:

I have this inherent inability to stick with someone for more than a few months before either they or I get bored and move on. So I am really amazed at how people like my parents and many many other couples can stay together through thick and thin for years, if not decades!

Perhaps its my impatience "youth" (am only 25); and the necessity to want to try something different, or that I really don't want to "settle down" because I know there might something better out there (similar to buying a smartphone - you use it for 12 months, become familiar, and then see a new version come out and you just want to have it!)

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  If the time comes that you want a long-term relationship with the potential to turn into a permanent one, and you're repeatedly unable to make that work and it's bringing you down, then, yeah, you need to take a good hard look at yourself.  But if the situation is simply that you don't want that kind of relationship right now (or ever), that a series of short-term couplings that are good while they last and then amicably let go of once they've run their course is what makes you happy, that is totally healthy.  Especially at your young age, but any time; so long as you're honest with yourself and your partners, do what works for you.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Bastet

[Zola]

On 28/05/2018 at 1:30 AM, Bastet said:

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  If the time comes that you want a long-term relationship with the potential to turn into a permanent one, and you're repeatedly unable to make that work and it's bringing you down, then, yeah, you need to take a good hard look at yourself.  But if the situation is simply that you don't want that kind of relationship right now (or ever), that a series of short-term couplings that are good while they last and then amicably let go of once they've run their course is what makes you happy, that is totally healthy.  Especially at your young age, but any time; so long as you're honest with yourself and your partners, do what works for you.

I think you're right with your assessment. Sometimes I feel "pressured" by my parents and other family members regarding "settling down" or "will you ever find the right woman?" tropes. I think I am far too young - relatively speaking - to want to consider a mid-to-long term plan. But there are rare occasions when I get involved with a woman and suddenly things start to click over a period of time, and all of a sudden those thoughts of "She's the One!" flood my mind, and am thinking that perhaps a LTR may happen after all! But of course for whatever reason it never works out that way because I then feel trapped/bored/missing out on something better (as mentioned in my previous post)

Perhaps I will review the situation in a couple more years. But the trouble is because I have a slightly older sister (who is straight, married and with a couple of kids), comparisons are always been made. In fact not so long ago, my mother asked me "can lesbians have babies?" - a subtle nudge at trying to make her a grandmother again, ha!

Thanks again :)

[DeLurker]

On 5/27/2018 at 8:40 AM, Zola said:

I have this inherent inability to stick with someone for more than a few months before either they or I get bored and move on. So I am really amazed at how people like my parents and many many other couples can stay together through thick and thin for years, if not decades!

Many people stay married for the wrong reasons - not because they are somehow more mature, superior beings.  Having a healthy relationship, regardless of length, is a better objective IMO.

I'm roughly twice your age, but not all of us were ready to be in a LTR/marriage/to have kids at some magical arbitrary number.  My SIL (No. 1) got married at 22 and started to have children before she was 25.  At those ages, I would have been a disaster to be married to or to have children.  I simply wasn't ready.  I didn't have my son until I was 30 and didn't get married until I was 31.

I also didn't want to get married and did it under some duress.  I wanted to be in a relationship, even when it hit rough patches, because I wanted to be there and not because of some piece of paper or because I did not want to get "divorced".  I grew up at a time where divorce was still a bit scandalous and that concept continued to color it regardless of the reason for the divorce.  My ex was a first class bastard - no question about it.  When I was talking with my Mom one day about my brother's marriage that seemed to be on the verge of a divorce at the time, she said my SIL No. 4 should be the one to file for divorce because she was the one causing the problems in the marriage and my brother (No. 4) shouldn't have the shame of being the one to file.  I immediately responded that if after all the shit I had put up with my husband (we were still married at the time), I'd be damned if he was going to be the one to divorce me - I wanted to be the one who filed (and this did eventually happen and there was much rejoicing among all my family, including Mom).

Here's a graph based on US Census Data.  I'd guess the trend is similar in Europe.

 

Edited May 30, 2018 by DeLurker
Trying to get rid of excess graph.

[BookWoman56]

Maybe this is  my cynicism showing, but I'd say the primary reason so many couples stay together for years/decades is simple inertia. If they survive being together the first few years, it's easy to settle into that pattern. There might be some minor problems, but the desire to stay put outweighs the desire to make a change. It's only when some other force offsets the inertia that they split up; it could be a major life crisis, becoming involved with another person, etc.  @Zola, my point here is that you shouldn't assume that a couple is happy with their relationship just because they've been together a long time, 

For me, one of the many reasons I'm single now is realizing that five years is roughly my limit on any full-time romantic relationship. I've been married twice and had some other serious LTRs, and eventually identified that at the five-year mark, I'm bored and ready to move on. Part of that is my tendency to bond with someone whom I think I can "fix" and so five years into the relationship, either I've helped the person with whatever the initial issue/problem was or I've decided that it's a dead end. Ultimately, again for me, I much prefer to have had a series of romantic relationships that ended amicably than to have stayed in one marriage that I got into on the rebound and where I eventually realized that I had no real feelings for my spouse, and one marriage that fell apart under the pressure of my spouse developing major substance abuse issues. For you, go with whatever you feel you want at this stage of your life, rather than caving to the pressure of your family to settle down. There's nothing that says you hit a certain age, and you immediately have to be in a LTR. And FFS, resist the pressure to have a child simply because your mother wants another grandchild. At least with a spouse or long-term partner, if you realize you got into the marriage/relationship because of family pressure, it's relatively easy to bail out. With a child, though, you then have responsibilities and a commitment to the child, and those responsibilities don't end even if you realize you had a child for the wrong reasons.

[DeLurker]

@Zola - you run your own business right?  And in a pretty demanding field.  I think that puts you above the curve when compared to other similarly educated people in your age bracket.  That level of responsibility is HUGE and not everyone is cut out to do it; rarer still at such a young age.  Most people, of any age, have a defined set of responsibilities and other people/departments take care of other matters pertaining to the care and feeding of the business.  You don't have that luxury - there are certainly benefits to retaining more control, but with that comes all the responsibility ultimately.

Maybe for now your LTR is with establishing your business and there is a limited amount of available resources for building a LTR with another person?  Most people your age probably go to work and get through the day on auto-pilot where they can rely on their training to meet most of the daily expectations.  Even for jobs that demand a lot of on-the-spot decision making (emergency workers, ER doctors and nurses are the ones that pop to mind), they are usually working in a team environment.  A shift at the ER can be chaotic as AF and is no walk in the park, but there are still others coordinating as best as they can).

[Zola]

That's why I love this forum compared to the likes of FB and Twitter - the advice I get here is far more useful, logical and caring compared to the some of the fuckwit comments I often see on Twitter et al. So thank you for taking the time out with your measured and incredibly measured responses :)

And yes, you're right - just because a couple have been around for years, doesn't necessarily mean its a contented marriage. If I am being honest I enjoy the single life, and having the occasional fling from time to time. I love the new company, the new conversation, the new ideas, along with some great sex etc. And then after awhile I want something different and move on. The idea of being with someone for 20+ years, fills me with dread at the moment: I would feel suffocated and confined into "behaving" to a predefined conformity of standards. And adding a child to the equation just complicates matters - which I know sounds incredibly selfish of me.

A friend of mine recently said to me that lesbians must have an easier time striking up good relationships because women are on the same wavelength compared to straight couples. Well, I can't comment about straight couples, but I will say, and did say, that lesbian couples still go through the same ups and downs as anyone else. And just because I'm dating another woman doesn't necessarily mean we share the same feminine values.

Anyway, I'm probably talking out of my arse (or "ass" as you guys call it, lol). It's 3:30 in the afternoon here and I've had a couple of glasses of wine, so my mind is a little woozy (And since starting this post I notice @DeLurker, has added a new post here, so will get to you when I can)

Damn it! For a second there I thought today was Friday! 

 

Thank you again for your kind and constructive thoughts. I do appreciate it, even if I am a little light-headed at the moment, ha!

 

Come on you adorable Yanks, get your arses out of bed, its gotta be at least 10:30am over there. ha! 

[langway]

So my fiancé and I just bought a house. We tried to be prepared before move in, but of course, you notice things you need or want once you have everything else set up. 

 

One of those was an ottoman for our couch. We didn’t opt for a love seat or anything like that as the living room is kind of small, and the previous owners seemed to have way too much furniture in there, making it feel even smaller. Eventually we’re gonna get some accent chairs, but we don’t have visitors very often and the dining room is open to the living room, so we could always sit in there if we need extra seating for the time being.  

On friday, I told my fiancé I was gonna go to the neighboring county to price some ottomans, some other things we need, etc. I invited him to come along if he wished. Our county and the neighboring county is separated by a very long bridge that only has two lanes; one going south and one going north. Neighboring county is super busy (has a naval base [and the majority of people who work on it live in our county because it’s cheaper], every store you could think, etc) always a lot of traffic, and despite being 20 minutes from our house, it could still take you 45 minutes to get over there or come back depending on traffic. He’s well aware that when I go over there, I hit every store I can to prevent going back for a while. 

So he comes with me. On the way over, he asked what’s the purpose. Uh, an ottoman, pricing stuff for the back yard, couple other minor things, getting out of the house for a bit, etc. 

We’re over there for an hour and a half, hit three stores and I mentioned I’d like to go to a clothing store so I can check their clearance racks for a new job I’m starting.

Well, he’s not interested in going there. He’d rather go home. There’s no need for him to come to the store with me, why can’t  I just do that without him, we’re in his car so we’re going home. Well, I had every intention on coming here without you. I extended the invitation, you said yes. I told him that next time he won’t be getting an invite and I’ll just do what I want. He said he wouldn’t have come had he known we wouldn’t just be going to the furniture stores, that’s why he asked the purpose of the trip. He continues on and on about how I’m so insistent on getting everything out of the way in one day when it’s not necessary, every time were in neighboring county I stop everywhere. Because I hate coming over here and I want to get everything out of the way so I don’t have to come back! He knows this! This is the second time he’s done this to me in 2 weeks, and we have to keep going back over there because apparently an hour and a half is our cutoff mark and we have to look for certain items and only those certain items. 

He’s not even allowed to tell me that it’s about money (or being apprehensive about all these new bills we have) either because on the way home, we stopped at a thrift store where he spent 340 dollars on a coffee table and two end tables. We already have end tables, all we needed was an ottoman. And I’d never pay that much for 3 tables. Not to mention, there are still things that we actually NEED  

The whole thing is still grating me. Would have been cheaper and less annoying had he just stayed at home.  Lesson learned. 

[Mindthinkr]

@langway Make sure that you both have a meeting of the minds on finances, spending and budgets before you get married. I’ve seen people not make it over said issues. 

In my area we have stores that have gently used items. Especially if looking for wooden furniture or outdoor you can get them in good shape at a fraction of what you’d pay new. Military people can move a lot so they will sell before deployment and you can get good bargains that way  

Some people shop well together...some don’t. I only go with my guy friend when it’s to get what he wants. Otherwise he hems and haws...or disappears to other parts of a store leaving me wondering where he is (he did this today. I was choosing wine at his request for HIS party. He stated he wanted to look at olives. I finally found him looking at greeting cards) and am usually left wondering if he’s ready for me to check out. He has no interest in what I want so I save shopping for myself as an alone activity (or with a girlfriend). Good luck. 

[Bastet]

9 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

@langway Make sure that you both have a meeting of the minds on finances, spending and budgets before you get married. I’ve seen people not make it over said issues. 

Yes.  Not just how you're designating yours, mine, and ours, but a general philosophy of spending for whatever part you're making "ours" -- saving versus spending, what to splurge on and what to keep simple, etc. 

As for shopping, I think that's something that can be hard to do together, precisely because of scenarios like you're in -- you two have different ways of doing it.  It's probably better to shop separately the vast majority of the time, and only go together when both of you truly need to be there.  Even when it's something for the house, you don't automatically have to go together.

This is why it's good to live together first -- no matter how long you've been together and how well you know each other, living together raises issues you didn't have to face before.  Living with someone (whatever the nature of the relationship) is hard.  It's good to work out those kinks and make sure you really can find a way to cohabitate.

[AgentRXS]

So yesterday was my 35th birthday, and I booked a room with this view, and invited a guy to spend it with me. You'd think he'd take the time to relax and enjoy it peacefully right? I did too, and everything was going great, until we came back from getting some burgers. He immediately became sullen when we came back. he wrapped himself up in the blankets, shut off the lights, and closed his eyes (this was around 10pm). I asked him what was wrong, and he completely lost his crap. He attempted to argue over petty stuff (he didn't like the place I chose for dinner, why did I smile when I said thank you to the valet guy for opening the door for me when getting out of the vehicle)  for the next hour and I gave him the silent treatment until he fell asleep. Had planned to watch the sun rise over the ocean, but he annoyed me to the point that when I woke up and saw him watching it on the balcony by himself (didn't even bother to wake me even though he said he would), I didn't even want to go out there and see it anymore.

When I woke up, he started up again, and I asked him to leave and he took forever to go.

I ALMOST had a peaceful birthday this year.Next time I will do it alone, no matter if I'm in a relationship or not.  This guy is just a FWB situation, and after last night, I'm cutting him lose. He didn't uphold his end of the bargain, his loss.

[AgentRXS]

Yeah, he was just a hookup honestly. If he wasnt in the mood to hook up he shouldn't have wasted my time. 

[DeLurker]

@AgentRXS - sorry that the weekend did not go as planned.  Sounds like maybe he is conflicted about the FWB arrangement since he seemed to be acting jealous.  I'd cut him loose too.

Which beach is that?  I'd say treat yourself to a birthday re-do when your schedule and wallet permits, but do it on your own terms.  Eat & drink what you like when you want to.  Sit and people watch, take a nice stroll along the beach,...if you stay by the water again, I'll cross my fingers that you get one of the awesome electrical storms a few miles off shore to watch at night (I so so miss watching electrical storms from the beach).  And happy late birthday!

[AgentRXS]

Thanks! It was Lauderdale By the Sea, just north of the pier. I saw minor electrical flashes but nothing too awesome. The moon light a path on the water that seemed to be right in front of us. All the elements were set for romance and yet....Lol

[Bastet]

45 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

I did too, and everything was going great, until we came back from getting some burgers. He immediately became sullen when we came back. he wrapped himself up in the blankets, shut off the lights, and closed his eyes (this was around 10pm). I asked him what was wrong, and he completely lost his crap. He attempted to argue over petty stuff (he didn't like the place I chose for dinner, why did I smile when I said thank you to the valet guy for opening the door for me when getting out of the vehicle)

Although just a hook-up, he treated you just like the abusive ex did.  I'm glad you're walking away from him immediately.

[AgentRXS]

@Bastet Yes, it is why I didnt engage with him when he started up. I learned from the idiot ex not to feed into that behavior.So glad this wasnt going anywhere serious and I can get away from this one free and clear. Hes already been blocked from my contacts. Sigh. Men.

[JTMacc99]

Douchebaggery is not gender specific.  

Having said that, I agree with @stewedsquashand @DeLurker and hope you reschedule some time by yourself to properly have a good day celebrating your birthday. 

[DeLurker]

@langway - if this was an atypical behavior for him, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to nerves.  Moving in together is a big step and buying a house together is an even bigger one.  Use it to motivate you to have that talk with him about laying out some clear ground rules about what kind of decisions should be mutual and purchases/spending as well.

@AgentRXS - The pier off Commercial Blvd?  I forget the name.  The water looked great.

[AgentRXS]

@DeLurker Yep that's the one!

[ebk57]

15 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

 

@AgentRXS - The pier off Commercial Blvd?  I forget the name.  The water looked great.

 

12 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

@DeLurker Yep that's the one!

We used to stay at Little Inn by the Sea for spring training right around there.  Loved that place!! 

 

(sorry this was off-topic - I'll  bow out now...)

Edited July 2, 2018 by ebk57
I can spell. Really

[langway]

1 hour ago, DeLurker said:

@langway - if this was an atypical behavior for him, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to nerves.  Moving in together is a big step and buying a house together is an even bigger one.  Use it to motivate you to have that talk with him about laying out some clear ground rules about what kind of decisions should be mutual and purchases/spending as well.

@AgentRXS - The pier off Commercial Blvd?  I forget the name.  The water looked great.

 

7 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

@langway Make sure that you both have a meeting of the minds on finances, spending and budgets before you get married. I’ve seen people not make it over said issues. 

In my area we have stores that have gently used items. Especially if looking for wooden furniture or outdoor you can get them in good shape at a fraction of what you’d pay new. Military people can move a lot so they will sell before deployment and you can get good bargains that way  

Some people shop well together...some don’t. I only go with my guy friend when it’s to get what he wants. Otherwise he hems and haws...or disappears to other parts of a store leaving me wondering where he is (he did this today. I was choosing wine at his request for HIS party. He stated he wanted to look at olives. I finally found him looking at greeting cards) and am usually left wondering if he’s ready for me to check out. He has no interest in what I want so I save shopping for myself as an alone activity (or with a girlfriend). Good luck. 

 

6 hours ago, Bastet said:

Yes.  Not just how you're designating yours, mine, and ours, but a general philosophy of spending for whatever part you're making "ours" -- saving versus spending, what to splurge on and what to keep simple, etc. 

As for shopping, I think that's something that can be hard to do together, precisely because of scenarios like you're in -- you two have different ways of doing it.  It's probably better to shop separately the vast majority of the time, and only go together when both of you truly need to be there.  Even when it's something for the house, you don't automatically have to go together.

This is why it's good to live together first -- no matter how long you've been together and how well you know each other, living together raises issues you didn't have to face before.  Living with someone (whatever the nature of the relationship) is hard.  It's good to work out those kinks and make sure you really can find a way to cohabitate.

 

4 hours ago, stewedsquash said:

Warning, harsh advice ahead, hahaha

I know you bought a house together (before marriage, your first mistake) but please don't marry this guy. You don't want to spend the rest of your life having "it's my car, I decide" type decisions. Because I am pretty sure that even if you had been in your car with him, you still would have bypassed the clothing stores yet still had time for the used furniture store. 

Don't put your family and friends in the "he is so unreasonable" "she is so ridiculous" bind, having to listen to/choose sides in your marriage. Get out while you can and find a better suited mate, for each of you. 

I probably should have added that we’ve lived together for the past 3 years, haha. He usually has no problems when it comes to going to different stores and such, it’s only recently that he’s started doing this where we have to have a “reason” or “game plan” for going somewhere. Maybe we’re just not meant to shop together. He’s never reacted like this; he’s usually the one that’s more impulsive and is down for doing things on the fly. When we first started dating, he was all impulse. “Well let’s just go do X” with no rhyme or reason whereas I liked things to be planned out. We’ve been together for 4 years, so maybe we’ve rubbed off on each other and we’re switching roles now. I have no idea. 

[Mindthinkr]

@AgentRXS Happy Belated Birthday. 

I agree with Bastet and Stewed Squash that you need a do over. How disappointing for you. Cheers on better times and men for the coming year. 

[Bastet]

@langway, maybe it's just home-buying stress making him suddenly act this way and he'll settle down.  Shopping being a planned, structured event that must fit a schedule versus taking an afternoon to see what you can find is an odd way for it to manifest, sure, but, then again, stress rears its head in weird little ways sometimes - we latch onto something we can control and fixate on, indeed, controlling it.  And buying a home - and realizing, in those early months, just how many more things there are to buy - is majorly stressful, so if the worst that happens is you two just shop separately, I'd say you're doing well.

[JTMacc99]

I've been collecting memes for a while. Time to share!

[UYI]

Okay.

I've been scared to talk about this, because I was afraid I was going to get made fun of or judged, but I'll just go ahead and talk about it here.

I just turned 30 on February 28th. And I'm still a virgin.

It has NOTHING to do with religious beliefs. Nothing. I'm just very shy and introverted, and because the career I'm in is VERY competitive and sometimes involves a lot of short-term jobs that last only a few months (I don't want to dox myself; if anyone wants to PM me I'll talk about it there, because I can see how it might otherwise sound confusing in this context), I am still living at home right now. I've only dated one guy my whole life--my first and only boyfriend--and that wasn't until I was 24, and it only lasted a little less than a year, when I was 25 (it wasn't my decision to break-up, but we're friends now and still talk sometimes). There was a night where he was ready to have sex, but it was early on and I just wasn't ready yet, and because it was largely a long distance relationship, especially by the end, it never happened, even though sometimes I wish it had (I also wasn't on the pill yet when I met him--again, when you go without dating that long, it doesn't feel like a priority; he kind of just appeared out of nowhere when I met him--although I was a few months later and continue to be now). 

I think part of my reason for not dating, in addition to some period of unemployment (like now), was because I was bullied for so long in middle school by a group of girls--well that, and having crushes on guys who didn't like me back, of course. And even though I've accomplished a lot since then, in both my life and my career, I think, on some subconscious level, part of me still feels like that bullied young girl, who didn't understand how to fit in or feel cool enough, and there's part of me now who worries they would see now and just KNOW I was still a virgin. Sigh. I think another part of it is that I've never drank very much (I really only drink merlot/pinot noir, and not much, either), so I've never been much of a bar person, either. 

And I also feel, in some way, as a feminist, like I'm letting other feminists down, because I haven't had sex despite being 30, I'm not entirely comfortable at the idea of having hook-ups--I know slut-shaming is a very real thing, and I abhor it, but being an older virgin, I fear virgin-shaming, too, at least for those like me who aren't "saving themselves for marriage". This isn't a Tim Tebow situation.

I don't know. I almost thought about making a post about women like me in the Gender in Television thread, because MY type of virginity story almost NEVER gets told on television, certainly not with sensitivity. It's hard not to feel like a loser who should just give up and not have sex, or even date--you're too old to start, anyway, and what man would even want you? 😢

And that's before I go into my insecurities about my blonde hair and blue eyes--the idea that the kind of men I might be attracted to would want nothing to do with me, because my looks indicate a dumb and generic-looking woman, even if it's not true. Or that I have what I call "wrong type of blonde syndrome"--I'm blonde, but I'm not tall and thin and perfect like Taylor Swift is. 

Any advice--either here or through a PM--would be much appreciated. I feel a lot better now. And truth be told, turning 30 two weeks ago brought along a LOT of relief--I dreaded the act of turning 30 more than actually doing it--but then I remember my lack of experience in sex or dating and I freak out all over again, lol. 

[Annber03]

Rest assured, @UYI, you're very much not alone here. I'm 34, and I haven't slept with anyone yet, either. The only boyfriend I've had thus far was back when I was in high school, and it was about as chaste a relationship as it gets. 

It's not religious reasons in my case, either*-like you, I tend to be a shy and introverted sort (and I can also relate to the bullying and liking guys who didn't reciprocate). I've also moved around a lot and many of the towns I've lived in didn't really have a lot in the way of available guys to date, and I've just had so much other personal stuff going on over the years as well, to where the whole idea of dating and sex just kinda took a backseat as a result. I've gotten to the point where I figure it'll happen if and when it happens. 

*I have no issue with those women who are saving themselves because of religious beliefs, mind. If that's what they want to do, more power to 'em. 

And I know there are other women out there who are in their 20s, 30s, and beyond who are virgins, too, and they've all got their own individual reasons as well. 

31 minutes ago, UYI said:

And I also feel, in some way, as a feminist, like I'm letting other feminists down, because I haven't had sex despite being 30, I'm not entirely comfortable at the idea of having hook-ups--I know slut-shaming is a very real thing, and I abhor it, but being an older virgin, I fear virgin-shaming, too, at least for those like me who aren't "saving themselves for marriage". This isn't a Tim Tebow situation.

Speaking as somebody who also considers herself a feminist, I'd say anyone who would shame you for that would be just as wrong as those who shame women who are sexually active. My belief is that every woman should have the right to do what's right for her, what makes her feel comfortable, and nobody should force her to do something she doesn't want to do, or live a certain way she doesn't wish to live. And that is especially true when it comes to something as personal as the issue of sex and relationships. 

That's not to say I don't understand your concerns about being made fun of, though-I've had those thoughts myself, too. It doesn't help that society, or at least, the media, does seem to perpetuate an idea that if you haven't had sex by x age it's got to be a religious thing or there's something wrong with you or whatever. That's simply not the case for all virgins, and I fully agree it would be nice to see this topic getting covered more in the media, and respectfully at that, for all sorts of reasons. 

I also understand your concerns about stereotypes based on looks, but to that, I will say that any guy who judges you based off some dumb stereotype about appearance isn't the sort of guy you'd want to be intimate with anyway. There are plenty of men out there who aren't that shallow and dumb, including some of the types you might go for :). You deserve to be with a guy who likes you for you. I'll also note that I think it's safe to say that all women, sexually experienced or not, will have some kind of insecurity about their looks. Even the supposed "glamorous celebrities". But that's a whole other topic unto itself :p. 

Anywho, so yeah, hopefully that helps you feel a little more at ease. I guess the only real advice I could give is to just ignore all the people and beliefs that make you feel like you're some sort of failure or something for not reaching this kind of milestone by this age. You've got your reasons, there's nothing wrong with that, and like I said above, you should do what makes you most comfortable. 

(As for turning 30 in and of itself, again, I think that's something most, if not all, people struggle with :p. It did weird me out a bit, too, as I inched closer to that age. I will say, though, at least for me, now I'm a few years into my 30s, I'm more used to and comfortable in this bracket. So hopefully that'll be the case for you as well :).

I also think a lot of people nowadays feel like they have to have achieved certain milestones by the time they reach a certain age, and if they don't, it adds to their anxieties about turning that age. But again, every person's different, so it's best not to try and measure ourselves by what others are doing, or were doing, at our age.)

Edited March 17, 2019 by Annber03

[UYI]

Thank you, @Annber03. That helps a LOT. I'm SO happy that I finally spoke here--I talk to my mom about this stuff a lot, so I always have someone to talk to (we're very close, in case you didn't notice 😉 ), but it's always nice to find an outside perspective. 

It didn't help that a few days before my birthday, I found out that I didn't get a job that I REALLY hoped I would get, one that would have been more permanent and made it so I could move out without the job ending in a few months and having to come home again. I was absolutely crushed, but the more time has passed, the more I've accepted it. For one thing, it was far enough away that coming home to visit would have been very hard to do, and now I'm seeing if I might get a job (or another job) that is out of state, but close enough where I can still visit my family from time to time. I might find out very soon. I'm trying to feel hopeful. 🙂

I am interested in online dating, even though I know the risks involved there, too. Obviously, being out of work/at home for the moment makes ANY kind of dating intimidating right now, and part of me is honestly okay with the idea of waiting based on those two factors alone. But, as they say, life happens, so who knows. 🙂

One other thing that makes it hard is when I look at my younger sister, who has been involved with a few different guys, goes out a lot, has her own place, and is just very outgoing and outspoken in general. I know she's had her hardships, too, of course, but sometimes I feel like the younger sister instead of the older sister, lol. 

In a weird way, though, I also feel a sort of defiance at my age about this sort of thing, too. A feeling of "I live my own life, by my own rules". I'm from a smaller, rural area, so in that way I know I stick out like a sore thumb compared to a lot of the girls I grew up with, but I've also done work/driven places that a lot of them would have never thought possible, and there's part of me that truly delights in the idea of going in the opposite direction of what small town women are supposed to be.

I go back and forth on my feelings here, basically. 🙂 

Edited March 17, 2019 by UYI

[auntlada]

8 hours ago, UYI said:

And I also feel, in some way, as a feminist, like I'm letting other feminists down, because I haven't had sex despite being 30, I'm not entirely comfortable at the idea of having hook-ups--I know slut-shaming is a very real thing, and I abhor it, but being an older virgin, I fear virgin-shaming, too, at least for those like me who aren't "saving themselves for marriage". This isn't a Tim Tebow situation.

Don't feel like you are letting them down. Being a feminist is not about having sex with as many people as you can. It's not about having sex with whoever you want. I don't think it's even about having sex at all. There are so many other more important issues to worry about.

I did not have sex before marriage for religious reasons, but there are many other reasons to avoid it as well, including disease and unplanned pregnancies. I know there's birth control, but (in my opinion) the only one that works absolutely all the time is abstinence. Accidents happen. And even if you don't think there's anything wrong with having an abortion (which I do), it's going to mess with your emotions in one way or another, both the pregnancy and the abortion. I've been pregnant. The hormones, even before you know you're pregnant, are crazy.

At any rate, here's my advice. Take it or leave it, whatever you want. Don't have sex with someone just to stop being a virgin. Don't have sex with someone who is just OK. It should be someone you love and someone who loves you, someone you see a future with, even if it doesn't include marriage. (I think it should, but realize not everyone feels the same way.) It should be someone worthy of you. If you don't think you are worth someone, then I would encourage you to seek some kind of counseling. There is probably some place near you that offers low-cost counseling or counseling on a sliding scale. It may be in the nearest larger town, where you may want to go anyway if your town is small enough so that everyone around you doesn't know. (I'm also from a small town, so I know there really aren't any secrets.)

[Mindthinkr]

@UYI My 50 year old sister is still a virgin. She just never had a good relationship with any man that would make her think that it was time to do something about it. She is shy and did get bullied quite a bit as a young girl because of her weight. She now has a very full life and has accepted that marriage, children and a dating life are never going to happen for her. I tell her that it can still happen, but she doesn’t believe it ever will. I wonder sometimes if it’s a negative self fulfilling prophecy. Instead of dwelling or having a pity party, she focuses on helping others. She has gone to Israel, for instance, to help the Sudanese women refugees that have been raped, maimed and lost their families and hope for a good life. 

You do you. 30 is just a number. You are so much more than what you perceive society to think that you should be. Try joining a co-ed club or activity where you might meet like minded new friends. People are drawn to people who are happy and have self confidence. 

I’m sorry that the new job didn’t work out for you. Keep on applying and trying to move forward. Something good will come out of it. I wish I had better words for you. 

[Rose Quartz]

@UYI, @Annber03, I'm chiming in to add myself to the list.  I'm a bit older than you guys but still a virgin for the reasons you described.  I was very shy and introverted when I was younger and didn't have many relationships that progressed to that level and for the ones that did it never quite worked out.  But honestly at this point in my life it really doesn't bother me.  If I meet someone, great, otherwise I'm happy with my friends and family and activities and feel that I have a fulfilling life without that one aspect.

[UYI]

3 hours ago, auntlada said:

If you don't think you are worth someone, then I would encourage you to seek some kind of counseling. 

At the end of the day, I do, even if I sometimes have negative thoughts that indicate otherwise. It happens, but not NEARLY enough where it brings my life down in any significant way. That said, I am fine with the idea of therapy in general; I've done it before, but it was sometime ago when money wasn't a problem. Still, the idea of going back for that outlet, just as place to deal with overall well-being regardless or my relationship or sexual status, is something I definitely want to do.

If there's one thing I can say that is probably a HUGE positive as far as dating goes, it's that I'm picky. If I don't feel something for a person, I don't. If someone asks me out and I'm not interested, that's that. Of course, I can see the benefit of just thinking you're going to give this person a chance and see where things go, but in a way that has probably protected from making some very bad decisions concerning men. It's possible that it also left me without some needed practice in that department, but it is what it is. That's part of what made meeting my first (and so far, only) boyfriend so special at 24: when it happened, I knew it felt right, and was ready to make the leap. Even though it ended, I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

1 hour ago, Mindthinkr said:

@UYI My 50 year old sister is still a virgin. She just never had a good relationship with any man that would make her think that it was time to do something about it. She is shy and did get bullied quite a bit as a young girl because of her weight. She now has a very full life and has accepted that marriage, children and a dating life are never going to happen for her. I tell her that it can still happen, but she doesn’t believe it ever will. I wonder sometimes if it’s a negative self fulfilling prophecy. 

That is something I am trying so hard to work on now, and all the time really: Having a positive outlook on life, in hopes that those vibes will bring me better things. I can look back on certain things and see how not being so positive may have led to some of the harder times in my life. I am trying to reverse that now.

As far as my weight goes, here's the weird part: the way my body is built, even though I know I'm probably too heavy for my frame, I also have the kind of body type (curvy) where I don't necessarily look FAT, if that makes any sense. I'm at a point if I were much heavier, I would look bloated, but compared to some people who are dealing with weight issues, I actually don't have it that bad, and I've lost weight since last year, I just need to lose more. I'm short, so I'll always have to deal with extra weight maybe making me look a bit bigger (in addition to having large breasts--my legs are what I call "short, but shapely"--it's something, at least!), but I don't need to be super skinny--I just want to be at a weight where I know I can be healthy. I am now, but I want to be better. (And of course I know weight doesn't have to get in the way of love--it's something I really want for myself.) On a more shallow note, I've never worn a bikini, so getting to a shape where I feel confident enough to finally wear one would be cool, too, lol. 😛 

Thank you, everyone! I appreciate it. I will post updates in the near future and see what happens. 🙂 

Edited March 17, 2019 by UYI

[BookWoman56]

@UYI, I agree with most of what other posters have advised you, especially that you shouldn't have sex with someone you don't find desirable just so you can have the experience of sex. Whether it's sex or dating in general, or anything else, do what you're comfortable with and quit giving too much thought to what other people may think of you. No, you don't have a flashing neon sign on your forehead that says "virgin," and if/when you do have sex, there won't be a flashing neon sign that says "not a virgin." 

My perspective on sex in general is very different, though. I don't think sex has any intrinsic emotional value; whatever value it has comes from what you invest in it. Sex can be an expression of deep love between people; it can be a means of casual pleasure; it can be a business transaction. I have attitudes toward sex that I know are not mainstream and that more likely represent the flip side of the coin. To me, sex is just a biological function, and people are way too prone to give it this overblown status as if it somehow defines your life. Sex is romanticized all too often as something that must be this transcendent experience where every single aspect is perfect: the perfect person, setting, candles, music, etc. Some people may have that perfect experience, while others don't. So while I'm not in any way encouraging you to go run out and have sex with the first guy you meet, I am saying that you don't need to have the perfect job, body, situation, and so forth to have sex with someone. All it really takes is that you and the other person find each other desirable and both want to be physically intimate with each other. 

My own experiences with sex, again, are not mainstream at all, although they started that way. I became physically intimate with my first serious BF when I was in high school, after we'd been dating for a few years. I had sex with a few other people prior to my first marriage, but it was during that marriage that I realized a couple of important things about myself: (1) I'm bisexual; and (2) I couldn't in any way handle the prospect of having sex with only one person for the rest of my life. Because of those factors and other reasons, including just general incompatibility, I ended that marriage. I tried fairly casual sex a few times and realized that I could enjoy it; my second marriage was an open marriage, during which we often went to swingers' clubs and had sex with people we'd never met before. What ended that practice was the HIV epidemic, simply being afraid that with multiple sex partners, there was too much of an increased risk of becoming infected with a disease that would kill me. I ended that marriage as well, but for reasons unrelated to sex. Since that time, I've had sex both within the context of a relationship and sex that was more just a friendly hookup. Over the past several years, I've had very limited sexual activity mostly because at this point in my life, I don't want a serious relationship and I've got too much going on in my personal life to pursue casual sex. But I'm generally content with that situation, at least for now. 

My brother, on the other hand, was in his late 40s before he got married for the first time, and I'm 99% certain he was a virgin until that point; for most of his life, he was simply uninterested in relationships at all. So our trajectories have been extremely different, but each was the right thing for us as individuals. 

For you, I would just say that you need to be mostly comfortable with who you are before you get into a relationship, whether or not that relationship includes sex. Maybe spend a year focusing on your own development: aggressively pursue a job with more permanent status that enables you to move into your own place and gives you more self-confidence. I've never used online dating sites, so I can't provide any info there, but I would suggest trying some activities where you are more likely to meet people with whom you would be compatible and get used to interacting with them in social settings on a purely friendly basis, so that when you decide to start dating or looking for a relationship, you are more at ease with those situations in which you're trying to get to know someone to decide if this person is someone you find interesting enough to become close. There is no magic formula for finding friends, romantic partners, or sex partners, other than just feeling comfortable in your own skin and being open to meeting people to see if they are a good fit with your life. 

[Bastet]

45 minutes ago, BookWoman56 said:

Whether it's sex or dating in general, or anything else, do what you're comfortable with and quit giving too much thought to what other people may think of you.

45 minutes ago, BookWoman56 said:

So while I'm not in any way encouraging you to go run out and have sex with the first guy you meet, I am saying that you don't need to have the perfect job, body, situation, and so forth to have sex with someone. All it really takes is that you and the other person find each other desirable and both want to be physically intimate with each other. 

I co-sign these two things so heartily.  If you want to have sex, have sex.  If you don't want to, don't.  Don't do it because you think you're supposed to (because you're a certain age, because you're dating someone, because most people you know are, whatever), and don't not do it because the segment of society that has a list of rules saying when sex is and isn't an "appropriate" thing to engage in is looked upon favorably in mainstream media. 

Sex is a physical act.  It may or may not involve emotional intimacy as well, depending on the circumstances.  Whether you like one, the other, none, or both, is entirely up to you; they're equally-valid choices, and you may need to experiment to find out or you may already have some personal bright-line rules.  Do what you want.  All you have to do is be safe and honest.

And, I don't know what young feminists are on about sometimes, but as a second-waver, let me assure you that, when it comes to sex, the feminist community simply wants you to know that your body is your own, and you should neither have sex nor abstain from it based on any of the various and conflicting sexist stereotypes inflicted upon us.  The concern isn't with what people are or are not doing, but why they are or are not doing it -- is it truly a choice, or is it a decision made because society's rampant, ingrained, institutional sexism has lead someone to believe that's the option she is supposed to pick as a woman.  So, no virgin shaming or slut shaming. 

[UYI]

All of this is so helpful. Thank you. And seeing others here like @Annber03 and @Rose Quartz especially help me know I'm not alone (I mean, I DID know already that I wasn't alone, but this enforced even more that I'm not alone). It's so confusing sometimes to navigate, because it really does seem like the implication among some people is that you're not actually an adult if you haven't had sex, which is incredibly insulting and unfair (where does that leave nuns, for example?). I do worry that there are men who would ditch me if we were dating and they found out about my virginity, but I also know that in many cases those men wouldn't be ones I wanted anything to do with anyway, so no skin off my nose. 

I will say this, though: One thing that does make me more excited for dating as I get older is the idea of being the older woman to a younger man, as some younger men, especially today, it seems, are often more open to being with older women than men my own age or older. I technically was with my ex-boyfriend: I was 24, he was 20. I mean, it DOES feel kind of weird to be the "sexy older woman" who is also a virgin (I know, that's a BIG stereotype), but hey, it is what it is, I guess. 

Edited March 17, 2019 by UYI

[Malia110]

Malia110   

18 HOURS AGO

I'm a newlywed, two months last Monday.  My husband works in the evening, sleeping until about noon each day.  I, on the other hand, work 8:30 - 5:30.  I usually wake up around 6:30 a.m. and head out for my one hour commute.  Once the work day is over, I drive that same commute home.  I cook the children supper, maybe do a load of laundry, by then, I'm exhausted.  I also have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  

I miss my husband during the week.  I try to stay up until at least midnight to have time with him.  

My thing is...he wants to wake me up after I've gone to bed or gets disappointed if I want to go to bed.  I've tried explaining, "my body and mind SUFFER if I don't get enough sleep."

Signed,

Really Tired, But Feeling Guilty in Georgia

[BookWoman56]

6 hours ago, Malia110 said:

I try to stay up until at least midnight to have time with him.  

If you're staying up until midnight 4-5 nights a week, and then getting up at 6:30 am, you're setting yourself up for serious physical and mental problems, especially if you already have chronic fatigue. Adults need a reasonable amount of sleep to function well, and you're not getting it. I realize that your husband probably has little or no control over his schedule, but it's not your fault he works a schedule that is quite different from yours. He needs to understand and accept that you can't sacrifice your sleep to keep him company, in the same way that he'd undoubtedly be unhappy if you routinely woke him up at 6:30 am just to chat. 

Maybe I'm missing something here, but the obvious solution seems to be that the two of you plan your weekends for your serious time together, and just do the adult thing and realize that during the week, your schedules don't mesh well to have a lot of meaningful interaction. If it's that big of an issue, then one of you needs to change work schedules, while factoring in that you have parental responsibilities that dictate being available for the kids at certain times. 

If your husband is unwilling to either accept the situation or else take positive steps to change it to your mutual benefit, then that's a big red flag that he's going to expect you to accommodate his wishes rather than finding a compromise that works for both of you. 

[UYI]

On 3/17/2019 at 7:49 PM, UYI said:

All of this is so helpful. Thank you. And seeing others here like @Annber03 and @Rose Quartz especially help me know I'm not alone (I mean, I DID know already that I wasn't alone, but this enforced even more that I'm not alone). It's so confusing sometimes to navigate, because it really does seem like the implication among some people is that you're not actually an adult if you haven't had sex, which is incredibly insulting and unfair (where does that leave nuns, for example?). I do worry that there are men who would ditch me if we were dating and they found out about my virginity, but I also know that in many cases those men wouldn't be ones I wanted anything to do with anyway, so no skin off my nose. 

I will say this, though: One thing that does make me more excited for dating as I get older is the idea of being the older woman to a younger man, as some younger men, especially today, it seems, are often more open to being with older women than men my own age or older. I technically was with my ex-boyfriend: I was 24, he was 20. I mean, it DOES feel kind of weird to be the "sexy older woman" who is also a virgin (I know, that's a BIG stereotype), but hey, it is what it is, I guess. 

Update:

Still a virgin, still single, still unemployed (I got three interviews for a job recently but didn't get it--and there was a few months before that where I wasn't even getting any responses at all), still living at home and hoping that my luck will finally change someday.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel so guilty sometimes. Why couldn't I be more normal (whatever that means) and be more able to date earlier on and deal with job stuff better? Don't get me wrong, I know I can't change my past, but at 30 (and I feel selfish knowing that others even older than me are in similar spots, and yet here I am ranting about myself--I apologize for that), it feels so hard to be in this kind of situation. Only one boyfriend briefly when I was 24-25, that was mostly long distance, who I didn't sleep with the first chance I had, in part because I wasn't on the pill yet (although he had condoms, thank God), and partly because I was nervous. And yet I'll look up posts about this topic elsewhere (not here) and I'll see all these guys who talk about what a deal breaker a situation like mine is, how emotionally stunted a woman my age must be (and sometimes I DO feel that way, a little), or the automatic assumption that a woman like must be gay or asexual--both of which are obviously perfectly fine, but I know for sure aren't true for me. (And I know that guys at my age like this can get even MORE crap, too, so I don't want to minimize that, either.)

*sigh*

I just needed to vent a little. Like I said here a few months ago, I really DID feel better after I posted here about this, and I have Rebecca Traister's book All the Single Ladies now too, which is amazing and talks some about this issue, but I've had a very difficult week and I needed to say something here again. 😢 

I know I'll probably be fine again soon, but there is so much judgment about this topic (and I know the lack of relationships might be even MORE of a deal breaker for guys than the sex part, which doesn't help, either). I know there are plenty of people who will be sympathetic and supportive, but when I see other people saying they'd kill themselves if they were virgins at 30, it's not exactly easy to shake off (I don't, for the record, but there was someone on one board who more or less SHUDDERED at the idea). 

P.S.: Living at home is definitely not the worst thing ever, either. My mom and I very close. But I don't want to be here forever, you know? 🙂 

Edited June 16, 2019 by UYI

[AgentRXS]

Not everyone's life is going to go at the same pace as the "norm" (whatever that is). You are actively working to find a job, and you'll get there.  I know the feeling, believe me. Just hang in there. Anything meant for you won't go past you.