S16.E06: Diana

[Tara Ariano]

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A mother of three struggles with alcohol and meth addiction.

[JenMcSnark]

On 1/16/2017 at 7:47 AM, Tara Ariano said:

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A mother of three struggles with alcohol and meth addiction.

Ummm, this isn't the episode I watched, but the name is right.  Anyhoo, I was fully prepared to absolutely loathe Diana as she seemed like another entitled princess, so imagine my surprise that I was actually cheering for her!  Her parents should go immediately into the worst parents thread. 

[Court]

Hmm, I didn't really care for her or her parents. I liked her a little more than them but that's not saying much.

I kept waiting for them to say her stepbrother abused her. There seemed to be a lot left unsaid around the whole brother situation even if you don't take that into account. It appeared maybe her friend didn't believe the claims either? 

I think her parents were super controlling and micromanaging. But she didn't seem to mind taking their money and letting them pay for her house. 

I had to laugh that she was complaining about not having a choice in where she went to high school. Most kids don't! So, for me entitled brat but I wanted her to succeed.

I'm glad she is sober and hope she stays that way. I think staying out of that environment is key.

[Enero]

I agree Court. Even with the story about the molestation it seemed like there was a lot missing from Diana's story. 

I think more went on with the step brother than what was said. I also thought the complaints about not being able to choose what high school she attended and her being so beautiful that the girls hated her at the private school she attend, please <rolleyes>, were ridiculous.  This is life. Many deal with such things while in high school.

That said, I do think there were serious issues with that family that were somewhat skirted in this episode. I wasn't really a fan of any of them, but I was glad Diana got help and that she's staying far away from her parents. I don't think they're good for her at all.

Lastly, it was great to see Ken again.

Edited January 18, 2017 by Enero

[Jesse]

I really hope she stays away from that family!

I was hoping for Jeff or Candy as the interventionist, but maybe it was better not to have a parental figure doing it? What ever happened to Jeff, anyway? 

[Ocean Chick]

I, too, was not impressed by either Diana or her parents.  Yeah, I didn't get a choice about which high school I went to, so suck it up, buttercup.  And if you found your parents to be too controlling, here's an idea - get a job and move out.  Far away.  And concentrate on being a good worker so you KEEP the job and keep away from your parents.  Drinking so much that you lose a bunch of jobs in a short amount of time isn't really working for you, is it?  And mom really needs to move to a waterproof mascara.  Man, she looked "rode hard and put away wet" for someone who doesn't have an addiction [/shallow].  Glad Diana is staying away from her parents - best thing for the 3 of them.

[Primetimer]

She's addicted to vodka; her parents are addicted to controlling her.

View the full article

[HelloOutThere]

This is a safe place to not mince words, so...

Diana had crazy eyes to me, and they were still there after her time in recovery. I think other girls didn't like her in high school because she was / is a psycho bitch. They really glossed over her promiscuity. Sex in parking lots so guys would buy her beer? I think it was just sex in parking lots.

She spent most of her life as only child. I am an only child and there's kind of a responsibility in being one. It is very easy to throw fits and blame parents for everything. To misbehave and throw it on the parents. They are so focused on the one child that they take the child's fit at face value and then you get a whole intertwined mess like this episode. It kinda grossed me out. Diana was very very selfish and to me abused her status as an only child greatly. I did not believe she was molested. Also, her friend seemed severely depressed.

All three family members seemed quite off and need deep therapy. They still might never be normal. But I do wish her the best in her sobriety. 

Agree Candy would have been perfect for this episode. She would have set stubborn Dad and wimpering Mom straight. But Ken didn't do too bad here.

That shot of Diana stumbling down her street and eating shit at night - wow. Could you imagine if that was constantly going on across the street from her house? Her neighbors had more patience than I would. 

[Tara Ariano]

12 hours ago, JenMcSnark said:

Ummm, this isn't the episode I watched, but the name is right.

All I know is what TV Guide tells me.

[Court]

I liked seeing Ken as well. I thought Seth would have been a good choice for the parents too. He's great at cutting through the bullshit and not allowing excuses from the enablers. Is he still on?

[Court]

I need to go back and look but my BSOJ said something else. Her parents didn't go and I think she extended her time at the rehab?

[artemiseast]

I think it is quite telling that Diana did most of her crying and drinking in front of the mirror. She seemed to get something out of observing her own suffering.  Thoughts anyone?

[RedKoolAide]

I think Diana was molested and I suspect the half-brother did it. I think the parents being so dismissive about it is them not wanting to admit they didn't have control over the situation. They also stated that Diana started wetting the bed after the brother left. Bedwetting can sometimes be a sign of a trauma.

I think her parents sheltered her and spoiled her rotten after what happened to her to overcompensate for not realizing what was going on.

I've seen a lot of alcoholics on this show, but Diana disturbed me. She was a mess.

I think all three have major issues and I'm glad Diana is staying away from her parents. They'll never get help because they don't see their behavior as harmful.

[PrincessSteel]

My husband and I have been through four rounds of rehab with two of our kids...one son & one daughter have each had two stints in an inpatient rehab. (They're both currently sober & doing great.) The recovery community frowns on causality talk, as in 'I'm an addict because my parents screwed me up', but it is very hard not to think that way with parents like Diana's. Sheesh. There have been moments in family group when a parent like Vaughn would be righteously holding forth about how everyone in the room should just do things his way and I would want to scream 'Do you hear yourself? Do you hear your child?' I can't blame them for not wanting to examine their role in the addiction dynamic; much of the stuff that our family has gone through has been heartbreaking and harrowing. Some folks in recovery have a harder row to hoe than others, no doubt. It is a family disease and families who don't get that are in for massive and unnecessary suffering.

Edited January 19, 2017 by PrincessSteel

[ChristmasJones]

As they say- genetics loads the gun and the environment pulls the trigger.

I think she had a strong family disposition to becoming alcoholic.  The sexual acting out and cutting makes me suspect she was sexually abused when she was younger.

[JenMcSnark]

I forgot about the choosing the high school part.  I had a mini-rant when she said that.  I'm not saying she doesn't have some culpability (I think most addicts do) but I guess I just couldn't stand her parents.  I really couldn't stand them.  I'd have taken their money too.  And her mom looked rode hard and put away wet even in the photo with Diana in 8th grade!  

There are definitely a lot of issues in that family that we weren't shown, but I'm still surprisingly on Diana's side, which is rare for me when an addict is that much of a special snowflake. 

[azshadowwalker]

Avoiding discussions of "why" are just one of many reasons I reject the recovery community. I don't really believe in the genetic excuse. Like most coping mechanisms, I think using is predominantly a reaction to trauma. It's social. Of course, some people are just assholes, and using is an indulgence. Even that's social, since there's generally a reason they tend to be selfish and self indulgent. Molestation and parents who do not protect or support their children are a prime motivation for using for most of the female addicts I have known. 

[ChristmasJones]

While most addicts may have a history of trauma, not all people with childhood trauma go on to develop addictions.

That is where the genetics come in to play.

[pasdetrois]

The parents weren't apparently evil, but I bet there's a lot of troubled history from the divorce and step-family situation. The stepfather seemed to be very dogmatic in the face of facts and guidance - smug and determined to have his way. Imagine spending a lifetime with that kind of parent if you are a troubled kid. The friend stated in her TH that he would explode upon hearing that she had criticized his parenting and need for control.The mother is very emotional and resistant in the face of family suggestions and Ken's guidance and she probably deferred to the stepfather always. Plus Diana apparently had no relationship with her father - another trauma.

Couple that with the parents' refusal to acknowledge Diana's molestation and you have a formula for her despair and rage - we saw Diana's rage, specifically about the stepfather - during the intervention. I think Diana's whining about what school she attended was only because she was already suffering, so seemingly simple problems were elevated for her. Ken understood all that and handled it well.

I do think there's something to genetics. I've seen it in my extended family and also certain ethnic groups.

Edited January 19, 2017 by pasdetrois

[MarylandGirl]

14 hours ago, azshadowwalker said:

Avoiding discussions of "why" are just one of many reasons I reject the recovery community. I don't really believe in the genetic excuse. Like most coping mechanisms, I think using is predominantly a reaction to trauma. It's social. Of course, some people are just assholes, and using is an indulgence. Even that's social, since there's generally a reason they tend to be selfish and self indulgent. Molestation and parents who do not protect or support their children are a prime motivation for using for most of the female addicts I have known. 

Addiction can also result from untreated (or undertreated) mental illness, even without trauma. Drinking can be a way to cope with anxiety or depression (though it only makes it worse), for example.

The parents in the episode were serious enablers. Paying her rent, bringing her food and doing her laundry? They just seemed to be suffocating her all her life, especially the mother. I hope she stays far away from them.

[Soobs]

The parents didn't seem much worse than most of the enabling parents I've seen on this show. What struck me is their (especially the mom's) pride in how they had given her everything and how the mom had done things differently than her terrible, alcoholic family. Diane is just an extension of this perfection and any deviation from perfection (disclosing sexual abuse, self medicating) was an insult to them. I do think she was molested (maybe from the stepbrother or his friends. Bed wetting, cutting, sexually acting out are text book symptoms of sexual abuse. The mom said something about 13 year old boys but I didn't quite catch it. The parents could not believe it happened in their perfect home. They are more invested in the fantasy than in their actual kid. The mom escaped her abusive, alcoholic family but never processed her feelings and the way she raised her daughter is all in reaction to her own childhood. Of course it wasn't going to end well.

[RedKoolAide]

Is he a stepbrother or half-brother? Is Vaughn not Diana's biological father? I thought he was.

[Ocean Chick]

The dad was married before, and the son was his.  Then he married the mom and they had Diana together, from what I remember.

And not all addiction is based on trauma - we've seen that.  There was that one guy whose mom played tennis - no trauma there.  And gamblin' Gabe - he was born an asshat.  And Leg-over Linda's only trauma was having to work in her parents' dry-cleaning shop.  Some people are just bad news.  And other people try to self-medicate their mental issues away.

[JenMcSnark]

7 hours ago, ChristmasJones said:

While most addicts may have a history of trauma, not all people with childhood trauma go on to develop addictions.

That is where the genetics come in to play.

I'm a little confused by this actually.   Say for instance, my brother and I shared the same childhood abuse, aka trauma.  But he became an addict and I did not.  We have the same genetics, right?  I see this in a lot of the families on the show.  Or am I oversimplifying.  I hope this doesn't sound too stupid.  I am intelligent, I swear. 

[ChristmasJones]

^^^ you might have gotten a slightly different combo of the "family addiction genes" than your brother.  I believe there is some research on a very specific combination of genes involved in serious alcoholism for example.

This page by the NIH has some good info on this topic:

Many scientific studies, including research conducted among twins and children of alcoholics, have shown that genetic factors influence alcoholism. These findings show that children of alcoholics are about four times more likely than the general population to develop alcohol problems. Children of alcoholics also have a higher risk for many other behavioral and emotional problems. But alcoholism is not determined only by the genes you inherit from your parents. In fact, more than one–half of all children of alcoholics do not become alcoholic. Research shows that many factors influence your risk of developing alcoholism. Some factors raise the risk while others lower it.

Genes are not the only things children inherit from their parents. How parents act and how they treat each other and their children has an influence on children growing up in the family. These aspects of family life also affect the risk for alcoholism.

Researchers believe a person's risk increases if he or she is in a family with the following difficulties:

• an alcoholic parent is depressed or has other psychological problems;
• both parents abuse alcohol and other drugs;
• the parents' alcohol abuse is severe; and
• conflicts lead to aggression and violence in the family.

The good news is that many children of alcoholics from even the most troubled families do not develop drinking problems. Just as a family history of alcoholism does not guarantee that you will become an alcoholic, neither does growing up in a very troubled household with alcoholic parents. Just because alcoholism tends to run in families does not mean that a child of an alcoholic parent will automatically become an alcoholic too. The risk is higher but it does not have to happen.

If you are worried that your family's history of alcohol problems or your troubled family life puts you at risk for becoming alcoholic, here is some common–sense advice to help you:

Avoid underage drinking—First, underage drinking is illegal. Second, research shows that the risk for alcoholism is higher among people who begin to drink at an early age, perhaps as a result of both environmental and genetic factors.

Drink moderately as an adult—Even if they do not have a family history of alcoholism, adults who choose to drink alcohol should do so in moderation—no more than one drink a day for most women, and no more than two drinks a day for most men, according to guidelines from the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Some people should not drink at all, including women who are pregnant or who are trying to become pregnant, recovering alcoholics, people who plan to drive or engage in other activities that require attention or skill, people taking certain medications, and people with certain medical conditions.

People with a family history of alcoholism, who have a higher risk for becoming dependent on alcohol, should approach moderate drinking carefully. Maintaining moderate drinking habits may be harder for them than for people without a family history of drinking problems. Once a person moves from moderate to heavier drinking, the risks of social problems (for example, drinking and driving, violence, and trauma) and medical problems (for example, liver disease, brain damage, and cancer) increase greatly.

[ChristmasJones]

I will just add an anecdote from my family - there is rampant abuse that goes back many generations on one side of my family - sexual abuse of children, physical and emotional abuse of children, and folks with personality disorders. Not much domestic violence that I am aware of. And then no abuse on the other side of my family tree.

But on neither side is there any addiction. No hoarders, no eating disorders, no drug addicts, no alcoholics, no gamblers, no shopaholics.... just nada.  I have one brother who smoked cigarettes for about 15 years, and that's it.

So.... multi-generations of trauma and no addiction. 

I don't say this to brag.... its just something that has always made me just a tiny bit skeptical of the "trauma causes addiction" theory - that is just too simplistic.

Edited January 20, 2017 by ChristmasJones

[Earl Is Dead]

12 hours ago, ChristmasJones said:

I don't say this to brag.... its just something that has always made me just a tiny bit skeptical of the "trauma causes addiction" theory - that is just too simplistic.

My $0.02 is that there's a combination of factors at play.  Genetics, personality, mental health, trauma, environment, family dynamics....  I don't think there's one "perfect" formula that creates an addict.  Glad your family has not had to suffer the pain of addiction on top of the other issues, ChristmasJones.

Back to the topic of Diana - I think the show did a masterful job of letting us know that the step-brother (or someone related to his presence in her life) absolutely abused her, while also walking the legal tightrope of not coming out and saying as much.  The parents' telling of why he was sent to his mother's house was stilted and odd.  Inclusion of the bed-wetting fact as soon as he was gone, the cutting, the sexual acting out at a young age - it's either the truth or the show wanted to sculpt it as truth for our viewing benefit.  During the intervention at one point Diana used the offender's name (and was bleeped out of course), and the parents' instant-reflex insistence that "HE WASN'T EVEN THERE!" was so knee-jerk it seemed pre-programmed.  Something they had convinced themselves of and were never going to budge. Sad.

I want to believe she was recovering and becoming more mentally healthy, but that sparkly gold eye shadow situation in her TH from rehab was yeesh.  I hope she stayed there and continued on a good, less-glittery path.

[azshadowwalker]

I have always found it strange that the genetics crew can't tell us which genes. They are sure that they are there, and we should take it at face value, but they have only hypotheses, at this point. And there's always an excuse when not everyone, including identical twins with identical genes, share identical behavior. But trauma is discounted because "not everyone with trauma is an addict". But, as I said before, some people are just assholes, and that has social causes, as well. Trauma is just one of the social causes, although it's the most common by far. 

As for "gambling addicts", that's just the ridiculous expansion of addiction to describe every behavior ever. Misuse of the term "addiction" is bound to muddy the waters. Of course, this show relies on the exaggeration of the concept, so I am not that surprised. 

Edited January 20, 2017 by azshadowwalker

[jacksgirl]

Azshadowwalker, have you ever seen the episode about Gambling Gabe? It's either season 1 or 2, wow, he was ridiculous.  Sweaty Ken is a good one. I love his voice.  

[Christina]

There is no way to say this without it coming across as defending the parents, even though I think they wouldn't have believed the abuse happened if Jesus himself appeared and told them it was true because they were not going to admit their home was anything but perfect, but it sounded like part of their disbelief was because it came as a defense to them confronting her about her long list of lies.

They kind of address sending the brother going to live with his mom, but then say that she didn't tell them about the sexual abuse until she was caught skipping school. It left me wondering if she wasn't abused by two different people, which doesn't seem uncommon when it comes to sexual abuse victims; first her half brother and then whoever it was she disclosed later. Or, maybe they didn't realize the abuse was sexual with the brother and only thought it was physical. If that were the case, the sexual abuse wouldn't have been a surprise.

This was a pretty good example of why some people need to make a clean break from their parents. It seems like I'm always hearing comments about families needing to get along, and needing to forgive your parents because you only  have one Mom or one Dad, but sometimes, that relationship is just too unhealthy to continue. The parents were completely delusional when it came to Diana, and she could be quite manipulative when it came to the parents. There is a lot of therapy needed individually and jointly before that relationship can move forward in a healthy way.

[ZoloftBlob]

Quote

During the intervention at one point Diana used the offender's name (and was bleeped out of course), and the parents' instant-reflex insistence that "HE WASN'T EVEN THERE!" was so knee-jerk it seemed pre-programmed. 

It was bleeped out because naming someone as an incestuous rapist without any proof on a tv show is libel. I genuinely don't remember the details - ironically I'd had several glasses of wine before viewing - but honestly, maybe I am too cynical about addicts but... they do lie a lot. I know, I know, we're never supposed to doubt someone who says they were molested - if it comes out of anyone's mouth, only monsters who hate rape victims dare doubt the story... Addicts lie about a ton of shit.

Remember Andrew the bulimic ex-marine who's bulimia started after he was raped- "physically touched" -  in the showers at boot camp and his drill sergeant told him he'd slit his throat if he told? And yet if we listen to the family and look at the family's comments on line - Andrew's bulimia was present in his early teens and his tale of sexual assault was increasingly iffy and he clearly was quicked out of the Marines because of the bulimia?

It's like, I don't want to be dismissive, but I also can't ignore how sometimes the tales of woe sound really enhanced or even not true. Add in a lot of booze and drugs and years of repeating it, and the addict might even believe it. That's why I am not offended if the show chooses to not label someone a child molester publically. Anyone who knows these people will figure it out anyway, why add fuel to the fire over accusations that are life destroying if wrong?

[GreyBunny]

I believe she was molested and the half-brother did it.  I wonder if the half-brother's behavior is, at least partially, a reaction to his controlling, creepy dad and his prissy step-mother.  The step-mother painted it as jealousy (because she thinks *everyone* was jealous of her little princess) but I have a hunch the father was being a control freak with him and he took it out on his half-sister just so he'd have something he could have control over. I bet the step-mother had always wanted to get rid of him so she could have her perfect little family.  

The then-37-year-old married guy she got messed up with and was sending him her naked photos when she was 13 - he could have been busted for child porn.  I hope his wife found out and he was busted for something.

[mamadrama]

On 1/31/2017 at 0:48 AM, ZoloftBlob said:

 

It's like, I don't want to be dismissive, but I also can't ignore how sometimes the tales of woe sound really enhanced or even not true. Add in a lot of booze and drugs and years of repeating it, and the addict might even believe it. That's why I am not offended if the show chooses to not label someone a child molester publically. Anyone who knows these people will figure it out anyway, why add fuel to the fire over accusations that are life destroying if wrong?

I think part of this, too, is our society's way of wanting something to "blame." It is difficult to accept personal responsibility or to accept the fact that sometimes things are part of the way our brains are wired. I mean, certain mental illnesses, like depression, are still minimized with people telling others to just "be happy" and "get over it." Having something to blame, like an event, offers an explanation that people can wrap their heads around. I see it with HOARDERS, too. "X happened and that's what caused the hoarding." In all actuality, the person was probably always a hoarder. My mom is one. Has been all her life. Although a few things have happened over the years that would certainly make it worse for a time, no one event caused it. She's a narcissistic, bi-polar woman with control issues. 

[cynicat]

On 1/20/2017 at 6:41 PM, azshadowwalker said:

I have always found it strange that the genetics crew can't tell us which genes. They are sure that they are there, and we should take it at face value, but they have only hypotheses, at this point. And there's always an excuse when not everyone, including identical twins with identical genes, share identical behavior. But trauma is discounted because "not everyone with trauma is an addict". But, as I said before, some people are just assholes, and that has social causes, as well. Trauma is just one of the social causes, although it's the most common by far. 

As for "gambling addicts", that's just the ridiculous expansion of addiction to describe every behavior ever. Misuse of the term "addiction" is bound to muddy the waters. Of course, this show relies on the exaggeration of the concept, so I am not that surprised. 

While identical twins have almost all the same DNA, it's not exactly the same.  Unfortunately (or probably fortunately) genetics is not that black and white.

[mythoughtis]

I'm sorry- pretty much every kid I know goes to the high school of the parents choice... or the local public school. She may have been molested as a child , or she may just be an alcoholic with false memories. She was definitely molested by the 30 someyear old and the over 21s buying her liquor.   They took her to a psychologist after the brother left- that was the appropriate thing to do if she HAD been molested. 

As to being controlled, here's a thought. Take your medicine, don't pour vodka down your feeding tube, don't make yourself so sick you need a feeding tube... get yourself to class   , don't take alocohol to work. Then you won't need responsible adults trying to make sure you don't die. 

[Mk202]

Gamblin Gabe...haghaa! He was such a total asswipe!! ???