Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[nokat]

17 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

There is such thing as Golden Child syndrome. As a kid they could have been reacting to how your mom treated them vs you. Not your fault but that doesn't negate their feelings, either. As an adult you choose how you let them make you feel. If they make you feel horrible create some boundaries and go no contact, or low contact.

Quote

I don't negate those feelings, but a lot of them are false.  I got a college education but worked for it. No one payed my way. They sometimes act like everything was given to me. No. My parents did not pay for college, or a down payment on a house. I did that.

I'm kind of done with them, but then my sister cries "but we're family."

[theredhead77]

9 minutes ago, nokat said:

I don't negate those feelings, but a lot of them are false

True or false, their feelings are their feelings. 

9 minutes ago, nokat said:

I'm kind of done with them, but then my sister cries "but we're family."

You're an adult. You can choose to participate in the dysfunction of your blood relatives or walk away.

4 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

There have been many, many times in my life I've been glad to be an only child. This is one of them.

Same. I'm also lucky that I am in contact with someone I grew up with, who knows my parents and is someone I consider a sister, so I still have a touch of the "remember this  nonsense when we were kids" to reminisce about.

Edited July 31, 2022 by theredhead77

[nokat]

Just now, theredhead77 said:

True or false, their feelings are their feelings. 

You're an adult. You can choose to participate in the dysfunction of your blood relatives or walk away.

I've mostly chosen to not participate. There are certain family things you have to deal with. My sister told me to not talk to my nieces. I was able to get them to talk to her again. Oh she's toxic.

[kristen111]

On 1/28/2022 at 9:23 AM, mostlylurking said:

A little backstory - My parents live in another country.  They moved there over 15 years ago when I was in my early twenties.  I have no other close family or siblings, so I was basically on my own.  They are retired and can visit pretty much whenever they want (barring some illnesses over the years and of course the last two years with the pandemic).  They’ve only been back here to visit a handful of times.  They have only met my husband three times (once was when we travelled to see them) and only met my daughter once as a baby.  She will be four this year.  Anyway, suffice to say there are issues from childhood, as most people.  They are narcissists and everything is for show.  They act like they love us so much, send gifts, etc., but never bother to visit.  They post things on social media about how much they love us even though neither of us are even on social, so who is this for??  I’ve tried twice to confront them about issues of the past, not in a confrontational way but just trying to get all of us to acknowledge things that were done.  It didn’t work, they turned things around on me and blamed me for things that happened over twenty years ago when I was a teenager.  Now, I just keep conversations very surface, nothing too deep.  I FaceTime with them weekly so they can see their granddaughter.

My thing is this….supposedly they want to visit this year.  I’ll believe it when I see it, but my question is how long do you all think this visit should be?  To be honest with you I am fine if they never come visit.  I have my own life now, my own family.  They claim they miss us so much, but how can they miss people they don’t even know?  I include me in that because I am an entirely different person now than when they left.  I think they miss the idea in their head, not the reality.  So how long is too long?  I also don’t feel comfortable leaving my kid with them.  They don’t even know her so babysitting or alone time with her will be a no go.  They don’t get to miss out on nearly twenty years of my life (a lot of it shitty but I made it through) and then swoop in and enjoy all the good times.

Anyway, I’m just venting I guess.  Everyone is awesome on here.  I’d be interested in knowing what you all think and how I can set ground rules for this visit, if it even happens.  Everyone thinks they are these wonderful loving people who just love us so much, although many people do think it’s strange that they left their only daughter and have only seen their only grandchild once.  They are very fake.

If it would make you feel better, I’ll tell you this.  My Mother was too busy to know me.  I got the bare necessities growing up, but not much else, like support or a shoulder to cry on.  I never got a compliment, ever.  After I married and moved an hour away, and they got older and retired, they came to my house every week, if not more out of boredom.  All of a sudden, she wanted to know me.  I took them to doctors, hospitalizations, and made dinners for them.  I gave them a life.  Now that they are gone, I feel I did the right thing.  I think my Mother was depressed, as her life wasn’t that great.  Always working, and tired.  In my case, I’m glad I caved in.  My conscience is clear.  Older people for some reason want to connect again, as they get scared.  Who knows what they are thinking?  I was and am very close with my three kids, but keep my distance.  We don’t interfere, but are there for them should they need something.  And they always need something.  Follow your heart.  Cut the visit to a minimum.  You won’t be sorry someday.

[PRgal]

My parents still don't understand how I feed my family.  They seem to have issues with meal prep - me cooking and freezing food for the week or even month.  They seem to think I should be making things fresh/day of.  Well, I don't have time for that.  I know that freshly cooked is better, but sorry, it's called convenience.  Weird thing is:  they have no issues with buying frozen dumplings.  They just find ME freezing meals, especially things like egg bites or even oat meal cups, a bit odd.  

[Mindthinkr]

18 hours ago, PRgal said:

My parents still don't understand how I feed my family.  They seem to have issues with meal prep - me cooking and freezing food for the week or even month.  They seem to think I should be making things fresh/day of.  Well, I don't have time for that.  I know that freshly cooked is better, but sorry, it's called convenience.  Weird thing is:  they have no issues with buying frozen dumplings.  They just find ME freezing meals, especially things like egg bites or even oat meal cups, a bit odd.  

From what I have read over time it seems that your parents are always a bit critical of you. That is hard to deal with, but I don’t think it’s going to change. What you can change is your reaction and feelings about it. I know…easier said than done. As people age they seem to get more set in their ways. They don’t understand why you have don’t do things the same as they have always done. Try explaining that you are doing the best that you can and then also tell them that you understand their feelings, but need to do things your way. That these “conveniences” allow you for provide your family nutrition without taking time away from being with everyone. I know they help with your son’s daycare, but they might need a hobby as well to take some of their focus off of you and your family.  I hope you find peace. Best wishes. 

[Bastet]

Are they offering to come prepare fresh food for your family nightly?  I mean, if they are, I think you should say no, as they're already too involved in your daily life, but I bet they're not, which means they really need to hush up about the way you choose to cook.

If you were feeding your kid a steady diet of fast food and processed junk, that would still be your business, but it wouldn't be inappropriate for them to express concern.  But making comments about making food in advance so it can be frozen for easy weeknight meals is just plain ridiculous.  That's what people are encouraged to do so they don't resort to fast food/processed food too frequently.  If they have the time and energy to cook from scratch each night, hooray for them, but they're not doing something better and you're certainly not doing anything wrong.

But, as @Mindthinkr said, they are not going to change at this point.  All you can do is establish clear boundaries and enforce them.

[GHScorpiosRule]

Let me just say I am sooooo enjoying spending time with my mom and dad. I won't lie--I'm loving her cooking. A couple times I was able to watch her make some of my favorite dishes, but for the most part, she's been cooking when I've been working, so I couldn't watch her!

But she'll cook them again, and I'll make sure to watch!

They still look the same, though. And for some reason, my mum's gotten so nervous about driving here again, when she did it with no problem three years ago. So me and my sister have been taking her to the high school parking lot, so she can practice and get comfortable again.  She dropped me off at the metro this morning.

We've told her to just relax and not be so nervous. It'll come back to her.

My dad, unfortunately, can't drive any more, because the retina in his right eye can't be fixed by surgery-he had cataract surgery many years ago when they lived here. So his vision is sort of blurry in that eye. I think that's what he said.

But I'm enjoying having them with me for the summer. I SO needed this and am so happy they were able to come.

[Mondrianyone]

1 hour ago, GHScorpiosRule said:

But she'll cook them again, and I'll make sure to watch!

Don't just watch--write it down! That's what I did with some of my grandmother's dishes, and I'm so glad. No one else in the family seemed interested in preserving the recipes, and I knew I would really miss those things when she was gone. I only wish I had recorded even more dishes, but I was selfish and made sure I had my personal favorites first.

It's lovely you're having such a great time with them. I think my invitation got lost in the mail.  😉

[PRgal]

18 hours ago, Bastet said:

Are they offering to come prepare fresh food for your family nightly?  I mean, if they are, I think you should say no, as they're already too involved in your daily life, but I bet they're not, which means they really need to hush up about the way you choose to cook.

If you were feeding your kid a steady diet of fast food and processed junk, that would still be your business, but it wouldn't be inappropriate for them to express concern.  But making comments about making food in advance so it can be frozen for easy weeknight meals is just plain ridiculous.  That's what people are encouraged to do so they don't resort to fast food/processed food too frequently.  If they have the time and energy to cook from scratch each night, hooray for them, but they're not doing something better and you're certainly not doing anything wrong.

But, as @Mindthinkr said, they are not going to change at this point.  All you can do is establish clear boundaries and enforce them.

I wonder if it's because I tend to make fusion-y or "white people food" that bothers them.  Not my fault that my family's made up of horrible cooks or believed that "ladies" shouldn't be in the kitchen.

Edited August 3, 2022 by PRgal

[GHScorpiosRule]

56 minutes ago, Mondrianyone said:

Don't just watch--write it down! That's what I did with some of my grandmother's dishes, and I'm so glad. No one else in the family seemed interested in preserving the recipes, and I knew I would really miss those things when she was gone. I only wish I had recorded even more dishes, but I was selfish and made sure I had my personal favorites first.

It's lovely you're having such a great time with them. I think my invitation got lost in the mail.  😉

Oh yes, I watch and write! Because we don't use measuring cups. It's like " dash of this", "eye-ball" (loses translation from Hindi) when we cook.

Wait, what? You didn't get the invite?😜

[Mondrianyone]

20 minutes ago, GHScorpiosRule said:

Because we don't use measuring cups.

Neither did my grandmother. It was a handful of this and a glass (always some random glass) of that. So you have to translate it as best you can. But it was worth the effort.

Nope, that damn mailman needs a good talking-to.

[EtheltoTillie]

3 hours ago, GHScorpiosRule said:

Oh yes, I watch and write! Because we don't use measuring cups. It's like " dash of this", "eye-ball" (loses translation from Hindi) when we cook.

Wait, what? You didn't get the invite?😜

Still waiting for that curry recipe, @GHScorpiosRule

[PRgal]

I'm more or less starting new traditions.  I have a private blog where I'm (trying to) keep my son's milestones and recipes for him.  He'll have access to it when he's 18.

[GHScorpiosRule]

38 minutes ago, EtheltoTillie said:

Still waiting for that curry recipe, @GHScorpiosRule

*MEEP!*

My dad will be making it tomorrow, so I'll be watching and taking down notes and then compare it to the recipe I have to make sure I didn't miss anything. Then I'll send it; promise!

[meep.meep]

What?

I'll take a copy of the curry recipe also.

[Gramto6]

Curry recipe here too please!

[theredhead77]

@GHScorpiosRulerecord that on your phone. I did that with some of my mom's recipes that she measures with her soul. 

[EtheltoTillie]

@GHScorpiosRule you can post your recipe in the food thread. 

[JTMacc99]

4 hours ago, EtheltoTillie said:

@GHScorpiosRule you can post your recipe in the food thread. 

That's a good idea!  Feel free to post it here as well, or at least a link to the post in the food topic so we can all follow you over there. 

[GHScorpiosRule]

15 hours ago, EtheltoTillie said:

@GHScorpiosRule you can post your recipe in the food thread. 

10 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

That's a good idea!  Feel free to post it here as well, or at least a link to the post in the food topic so we can all follow you over there. 

Y’all! I will definitely post the original chicken curry recipe my Papa handed down to me, and which I’ve made multiple times over the years.

But tonight? COVID done fried his brains. Or something. Because the recipe he was using wasn’t anything like what he used to make and he cooked the chicken too long, so that the gravy practically dried up! I quickly made some more gravy with the masalas and then added it to the dish.

Told him I would be making it next time, with the recipe he gave me!😄😄

[RealHousewife]

What do you all do when you have a family member you love who overreacts to everything?

The way my sister behaves is not normal. I don't know if she has something that can be treated or what. She's in her early 30s and is a successful woman, but she has childlike tantrums. It doesn't take much to get her in a sour mood. She's like this with anyone she's close to. She's good keeping it professional at her job (from what I hear) and keeping it together around acquaintances/general public. With me, our parents, her closest friends and her boyfriend, she's quick to anger, quick to cry, etc. She pretty much has anything you could want in life, and she's constantly a glass half-empty person. It sucks because our family is pretty small. She's ruined occasions that are supposed to be happy ones over really stupid things. One time we were at a party, and someone thought I was the younger sister. She was pissed, wanted to leave right then, and hated that person forever after that and took her anger out on all of us. My mother doesn't have many people she often sees, and my sister will give her a hard time the few times she wants to socialize. I have my issues with my sister's boyfriend, but I've felt bad for him many times when my sister will make a mountain out of a molehill. My parents and I are sick of her behavior and we don't know what to do. I think part of the problem is the way my parents raised us. They were extremely rough on me (to put it mildly) but always babied her because she was a few years younger. I was considered practically adult when I got to "double digits." My sister would be excused for her behavior for being "only 20." Well, all these years later, she's ruined trips, baby showers, couple showers, comedy shows, etc. 

She has a little self-awareness. She says her boyfriend is the only person who will put up with her issues. But she'll often say none of us get things when we say she overreacts. She thinks the world is mostly the problem, not her. 

[PRgal]

@RealHousewife Therapy?  The challenge is, of course, convincing her that she needs it.  She's not exactly at a state where one can actually intervene and force her in.

[RealHousewife]

2 minutes ago, PRgal said:

@RealHousewife Therapy?  The challenge is, of course, convincing her that she needs it.  She's not exactly at a state where one can actually intervene and force her in.

Thank you PRGAL, I've thought the same and have recommended therapy to her when she's felt very down. She told me before she's too busy for it, despite making time for other things. But I'm hoping she will eventually go even if it's for her own sake, because life is too short for her to live it this way. 

[oliviabenson]

1 hour ago, RealHousewife said:

What do you all do when you have a family member you love who overreacts to everything?

The way my sister behaves is not normal. I don't know if she has something that can be treated or what. She's in her early 30s and is a successful woman, but she has childlike tantrums. It doesn't take much to get her in a sour mood. She's like this with anyone she's close to. She's good keeping it professional at her job (from what I hear) and keeping it together around acquaintances/general public. With me, our parents, her closest friends and her boyfriend, she's quick to anger, quick to cry, etc. She pretty much has anything you could want in life, and she's constantly a glass half-empty person. It sucks because our family is pretty small. She's ruined occasions that are supposed to be happy ones over really stupid things. One time we were at a party, and someone thought I was the younger sister. She was pissed, wanted to leave right then, and hated that person forever after that and took her anger out on all of us. My mother doesn't have many people she often sees, and my sister will give her a hard time the few times she wants to socialize. I have my issues with my sister's boyfriend, but I've felt bad for him many times when my sister will make a mountain out of a molehill. My parents and I are sick of her behavior and we don't know what to do. I think part of the problem is the way my parents raised us. They were extremely rough on me (to put it mildly) but always babied her because she was a few years younger. I was considered practically adult when I got to "double digits." My sister would be excused for her behavior for being "only 20." Well, all these years later, she's ruined trips, baby showers, couple showers, comedy shows, etc. 

She has a little self-awareness. She says her boyfriend is the only person who will put up with her issues. But she'll often say none of us get things when we say she overreacts. She thinks the world is mostly the problem, not her. 

Borderline personality disorder? Your sis sounds like a pita. 

I knew a girl that behaved like a spoiled 5 year old at 30. Thankfully she moved far far away. My friend definitely had BPD and bipolar. I never met anyone like her.

[Mindthinkr]

On 8/8/2022 at 8:57 PM, RealHousewife said:

Thank you PRGAL, I've thought the same and have recommended therapy to her when she's felt very down. She told me before she's too busy for it, despite making time for other things. But I'm hoping she will eventually go even if it's for her own sake, because life is too short for her to live it this way. 

They do have FaceTime therapy now, which might be more to her liking. First she needs to want it. Sometimes these types love it once they see it’s all about them. Hugs. 

[Leeds]

Some of you may remember me posting a couple of months back about the fact that my siblings had rented a place together for after my child's wedding, but had not included me.  Well, it turns out I can stop feeling childishly petulant and resentful towards my siblings because, wait for it, it was my ex who organized everything.  Yes, that's right, my narcissistic ex thought it was perfectly normal to invite my siblings to go away with him after our child's wedding.  Of course it would never even occur to him to run the idea by me or, heaven forfend (trying to stay in a "Prayer Closet" state of mind here rather than "Future Axe Murderer" state of mind), invite me to join them.

PS:  My siblings live 6,000 miles away, so it's not as though I see them every weekend.

Edited August 12, 2022 by Leeds

[Blergh]

23 hours ago, Leeds said:

Some of you may remember me posting a couple of months back about the fact that my siblings had rented a place together for after my child's wedding, but had not included me.  Well, it turns out I can stop feeling childishly petulant and resentful towards my siblings because, wait for it, it was my ex who organized everything.  Yes, that's right, my narcissistic ex thought it was perfectly normal to invite my siblings to go away with him after our child's wedding.  Of course it would never even occur to him to run the idea by me or, heaven forfend (trying to stay in a "Prayer Closet" state of mind here rather than "Future Axe Murderer" state of mind), invite me to join them.

PS:  My siblings live 6,000 miles away, so it's not as though I see them every weekend.

Have you asked your siblings (individually or collectively) WHY they would have volunteered to have spent time with your ex? Do they think his jokes and card tricks somehow make up for whatever negative things they know he put you (and possibly your offspring) through OR were they willing to endure his company for the (comped?) vacation quarters? Yes, I think you should at least ask them what the deal was and be willing to hear them out (and listen between the lines). IF it turns out they collectively and/or individually are indifferent to what he'd put you through, then it may be time for you to decide how much (or IF) you want to seek out their company or maintain contact with them. You also might consider having a talk with your grown child and their new spouse about respecting individual calls on whose company each wants or doesn't want to keep but making it clear that no one is to impose on others those one would rather avoid.

[Browncoat]

My mother has died, and my father has dementia.  I am both Executor of the will and Power of Attorney for my father.  And I am trying to help with caregiving, which is challenging as he lives almost three hours away.  To say I am struggling is an understatement.

My mother's will was quite simple -- everything went to my father, and almost everything was jointly owned.  Only a credit card and a cell phone were in my mother's name only.  So at least we shouldn't have to probate the will.  But I have to fill out all the paperwork for my father as he is not really capable of doing all that.  

I am trying to determine if I am entitled to an Executor's fee, and if so, whether or not I will take it.  There are no easy answers.

[ginger90]

9 minutes ago, Browncoat said:

My mother has died, and my father has dementia.  I am both Executor of the will and Power of Attorney for my father.  And I am trying to help with caregiving, which is challenging as he lives almost three hours away.  To say I am struggling is an understatement.

My mother's will was quite simple -- everything went to my father, and almost everything was jointly owned.  Only a credit card and a cell phone were in my mother's name only.  So at least we shouldn't have to probate the will.  But I have to fill out all the paperwork for my father as he is not really capable of doing all that.  

I am trying to determine if I am entitled to an Executor's fee, and if so, whether or not I will take it.  There are no easy answers.

https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/executor-fees-by-state

[Browncoat]

But what if the will doesn't go to probate?  What determines Executor fees (if any) then?

[EtheltoTillie]

I am a lawyer licensed in NY only. I’m not supposed to give legal advice for other jurisdictions and not in forums like this.  Best that you consult a lawyer in your state to get the correct answer. Sorry for your loss. 

Edited August 16, 2022 by EtheltoTillie

[Mondrianyone]

Condolences, @Browncoat. Sorry for the added pain of your circumstances.

[JustHereForFood]

Sorry for your loss, @BROWNCOAT.

[Leeds]

I'm so sorry for your loss @Browncoat, and for the difficult unwanted repercussions.  If it helps even a little, I hope you can feel the love and support emanating from the followers of this thread.

Edited August 17, 2022 by Leeds

[Cloud9Shopper]

Sigh. My mom tonight. 

I told her about something negative (for me) that happened that was bothering me. (For my final class project we were required to put a link to our project on the discussion board and compliment and comment on at least two other projects. It seemed everyone in the class got at least one compliment on their project but me.) 

Anyway, my mom told me I should just get over it because people are “nitpicky” and “have opinions” and said it doesn’t matter and to not think about it. Yeah I’ll just totally ignore the fact that literally everyone else got nice words from classmates and I was overlooked completely. Sure. Thanks, I’m cured! 

Then we had a mini fight because I don’t want to go to a family birthday party on my dad’s side next Sunday. As I’ve said before I hate these things but I’m always guilted into it because of my grandparents still being alive (and I get subsequently badgered for not calling them enough and not going over their house like I’m 14) and my siblings come in to town for these pointless parties. I can see coming in for Thanksgiving and Christmas, of course, but who really cares about someone’s 37th, 39th or 61st birthday? I admit I resent my dad’s family for still insisting on these things every year for every birthday and not just cutting it down to milestones, or doing something different like letting the actual birthday person pick the food menu or the kind of cake they want.

I want nothing more than to cut back on gift giving, not out of spite or hate, but because I don’t see the point for adults. And yes I apply that to myself. Just take me out to dinner or give me money. The end. I don’t need a necklace I’ll never wear but have to fake smile and say thank you. But because I keep getting forced to attend these parties to keep up some 30-year-old tedious family ritual (or maybe older) I feel like I can’t cut back, especially because my sisters still go all out on gifting*. I want to break free so bad but there’s always some sibling or other family figure that pops up to let me know I have to suck it up and go. 

*Context: Older Sister has always had a good income and been able to be generous with gifts. She’s even having her young daughter make cards and wrapping paper now. Younger Sister and her girlfriend/now wife went to Peru last year for vacation and got Christmas gifts for the family there, as they’re both nurses, so they also have good incomes. I also know I can’t compare to my perfect sisters and perfect cousin’s wife (who always brings a fancy appetizer platter of some sort with her) in this department. 

Edited August 21, 2022 by Cloud9Shopper

[Mindthinkr]

8 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Sigh. My mom tonight. 

I told her about something negative (for me) that happened that was bothering me. (For my final class project we were required to put a link to our project on the discussion board and compliment and comment on at least two other projects. It seemed everyone in the class got at least one compliment on their project but me.) 

Anyway, my mom told me I should just get over it because people are “nitpicky” and “have opinions” and said it doesn’t matter and to not think about it. Yeah I’ll just totally ignore the fact that literally everyone else got nice words from classmates and I was overlooked completely. Sure. Thanks, I’m cured! 

Then we had a mini fight because I don’t want to go to a family birthday party on my dad’s side next Sunday. As I’ve said before I hate these things but I’m always guilted into it because of my grandparents still being alive (and I get subsequently badgered for not calling them enough and not going over their house like I’m 14) and my siblings come in to town for these pointless parties. I can see coming in for Thanksgiving and Christmas, of course, but who really cares about someone’s 37th, 39th or 61st birthday? I admit I resent my dad’s family for still insisting on these things every year for every birthday and not just cutting it down to milestones, or doing something different like letting the actual birthday person pick the food menu or the kind of cake they want.

I want nothing more than to cut back on gift giving, not out of spite or hate, but because I don’t see the point for adults. And yes I apply that to myself. Just take me out to dinner or give me money. The end. I don’t need a necklace I’ll never wear but have to fake smile and say thank you. But because I keep getting forced to attend these parties to keep up some 30-year-old tedious family ritual (or maybe older) I feel like I can’t cut back, especially because my sisters still go all out on gifting*. I want to break free so bad but there’s always some sibling or other family figure that pops up to let me know I have to suck it up and go. 

*Context: Older Sister has always had a good income and been able to be generous with gifts. She’s even having her young daughter make cards and wrapping paper now. Younger Sister and her girlfriend/now wife went to Peru last year for vacation and got Christmas gifts for the family there, as they’re both nurses, so they also have good incomes. I also know I can’t compare to my perfect sisters and perfect cousin’s wife (who always brings a fancy appetizer platter of some sort with her) in this department. 

I’m so sorry that you felt singled out by not even getting one positive comment on your final class project. That hurts and it also sucks to not have any support from your family when everyone else is tearing you down. I’m here to say that you probably did a good job. Their not nice comments might be for reasons other than what you think. They could be jealous of what you said or did on it, or they might be a bunch of callous people who think it’s their duty to criticize everything. Try not to take it personally. Good for you for all the hard work on your project. When you graduate that one project won’t define you. 
 

   Families can be tricky situations. You don’t have to conform to their idea of gift giving if you don’t choose to. You shouldn’t feel pressured to go all out each and every birthday. It really isn’t a competition. What about making something homemade? How about a jar of vanilla sugar or quick pickles (low cost, yet useful and delicious). I give my brother tapioca pudding for holidays and he loves it. I buy a case of small mason jars ($8) and give him a few. He loves to eat them when he watches his ice hockey games. Are they drinkers? Limoncello (or any other flavored vodka) isn’t hard to make either and when put in a pretty bottle it makes a nice gift. Grow some herbs or small flowers from seed. I know this takes pre-thought and time, but you could start Christmas gifts around Thanksgiving. The taste of fresh basil or chives tastes really good in January or February. I start them in egg cartons. You can save cans, take the labels off and run them through the dishwasher for cleaning and then put a scrap of fabric, wrapping paper or wallpaper around it to up the appearance. Then add the plant as a seedling and add a bow or ribbon. Again, low cost, but full of heart. Shame on them if they don’t feel it’s good enough. Then again if you really don’t feel like facing everybody, then don’t go. You have nothing to be guilty for. Giving gifts is not a competitive sport. It’s about showing that you care. 
 

   I’m glad you came here to vent. Carrying all the angst isn’t good for your health, both physically and mentally. Go do something nice for yourself. Try to let it take your mind off of everything. I’m sending you a big virtual hug. 

[Blergh]

@Cloud9Shopper:

From the time I was in my teens until my 30's, Mama's insistence that we ALL had to attend and cater to every single family and/or close family event was one of the very few areas, Mama and I had conflicts about.

Oh, we'd argue and she'd pout and oftentimes my late father would admit that HE had no use for many of these folks  we were catering to and/or fellow guests but went along so she wouldn't give him. .. 'the face'.

Eventually, what helped was the fact that I got a job in which it was VERY difficult to get time off for vacations and I made it clear that I was only going to use said time to see people and places *I* wanted to see- not anyone SHE thought we all had to cater to. Oh, and calmly told her that if I had eventual regrets about no longer having catered to certain folks, then I would accept that that was the risk I had taken and it was NOT a reflection on her.

Of course, it also got clearer to her over time that it was a one-way street on HER part re most folks getting catered to. . and even the communications.  I can think of at least two sets of relatives within easy driving distance who haven't invited or even called Mama in ages despite all SHE had done for them and the rest of their families for many decades. We both have learned to just let that go instead of  getting upset and/or catering to them as in times' past (and, yes, I'd have liked it had someone in those groups had bothered to check up on my 90-something mother during the most intense part of the worldwide affliction but they didn't so we both just have shrugged our shoulders and said 'their loss').

What I'm trying to say is that what may work best is to make sure you are as independent as possible from your parents (financially, emotionally,etc.) and then to calmly, politely but firmly state your disinterest in continuing the catering. In my experience, if one stays calm and firm in one's resolve to forge an independent path while respecting their own call, even if the other party emotionally uses tears, tantrums and/or guilt-trips, eventually they will learn to accept if not like one's stances (and that also goes for peanut-gallery noseys). Please note that while I stress that staying polite as long as possible is best, if the other party refuses to accept that, if one is unable to maintain  the  both the politeness  and firmness, make sure you maintain the FIRMNESS instead of sacrificing it.

 All I can add is that the above is what worked in my own case and your relatives may have very different and/or totally unreasonable personalities.

Edited August 23, 2022 by Blergh

[Cloud9Shopper]

Thanks for the empathy. :) 

I feel like there’s an element of performance in the family at times. Like we have to keep this up because my dad’s parents are still alive. Meanwhile we are also the same family who scrapped a family reunion and haven’t had one in years due to “lack of interest” but sure let’s pretend we’re all super close. I also resent the family’s resistance to change, like lunch is always at the same time because it’s been that way for 30 years! We have to still sit around and do public present opening in front of each other because we’ve done it that way forever. It’s like they can’t recognize we are all adults now who are either retired or who have solid incomes and live independently. We all have the means to buy our own “stuff” and I think we can tone down on the charades a little bit.

I have to admit I’m not the most family oriented person. I have friends who are close to their cousins and always talk about how much they love their families over holidays and how much fun they’re having. For them it’s stress free and not a chore. Me? I’ve never wanted kids. I don’t see the point in “we need to do it this way because we’ve done it that way for a quarter century plus.” I always hated getting family portraits done. (Although that’s no longer a thing in the family at least.) I’ve just never been as super into it as the rest of them are. And I never want to host a family gathering even on the off chance I should get to buy a house. This charade of parties where we show off for each other seems tedious. 

(Although, even my dad would privately admit he hated the family reunion and would only go to please his mother. I don’t think he was too sad when it ended!)

Edited August 21, 2022 by Cloud9Shopper

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 8/15/2022 at 6:45 PM, Browncoat said:

I am trying to determine if I am entitled to an Executor's fee, and if so, whether or not I will take it.  There are no easy answers.

Even if it doesn't look like the will needs to be probated, you should consult a probate attorney to make sure you're not overlooking something that might pop up in the future and could be affected if the will wasn't probated. 

Some states have (relatively) cheap and easy probate, and some don't, which can set up a different decision matrix even in the same set of circumstances.

And when your father dies--will there be beneficiaries other than yourself?  You want to protect yourself against them squawking about something you did in administering your mother's estate that affected your father's estate, and therefore them. 

You really should talk to a probate lawyer to get the lay of the land.  And fees paid to a lawyer will be an expense of administering your mother's estate.

As for the amount of any executor's fee, the link another poster provided isn't all that helpful.  It says the executor's commission is, for example, 2%, but it doesn't say what it's 2% of.  The gross estate, including all real property?  Only the personal property in the estate?  Does it include IRAs?  Life insurance? 

It says the executor's fee in Texas is 5%, but the Texas statute says it's 5% "on all amounts that the executor or administrator actually receives or pays out in cash in the administration of the estate" and has some clarification of what that doesn't include.  That's very different from "5% of the estate," which is what that website would lead one to believe. 

[Cloud9Shopper]

Have a certain time of the month going on right now, and even when I told my older sister privately, she still wouldn’t come off it about how I should just come to the family birthday party tomorrow and be there for an hour or two blah blah blah. My sister and I have a good relationship and she’s normally supportive but we clearly have different values because the rest of the family seems hellbent on making me come to these birthday parties no matter what.

I mean…come on. It’s not even my birthday! LOL. You people really can’t get by without me for one party when my other siblings miss them occasionally? Yes I know my gram is 90, and if I miss it, I’ll call her and ask her when she’s free to have lunch and she’ll be thrilled. Am I not allowed to feel good for one day and miss one function? I want to tell them the world will still turn on Monday if I miss out tomorrow.

[Bastet]

This isn't your grandma's 90th birthday party, right, just some non-milestone birthday of another family member and her 90-year-old self will be there?  Because, even with killer cramps, you'd have to drug up and drag yourself to your grandma's 90th for a time.  But, if I'm understanding correctly, that's not the case.  So, yeah, if these parties that side of your family insists on doing for every birthday are when you see her, you can easily skip it and call her to offer, "Since I missed catching up with you at X's party, can I take you to lunch this week or next?"

You don't need an excuse not to go, but since your family obviously gets their feathers ruffled about these things, having your period does provide a convenient reason to say you're not feeling up for a big gathering. 

[Cloud9Shopper]

It’s my gram’s birthday but it’s her 91st, not her 90th, so I stand corrected. It’s also my dad’s and he’s going to be 61. So like…milestones + 1. LOL. I was at the milestone birthdays last year I am almost positive. 
 

[PRgal]

Whoa.  My dad threw out my old Cabbage Patch Kids playhouse without asking me first.  It was one of those big playhouses that fit a child.  It was mine, then handed down to a cousin and my aunt and uncle kept it in their house even though their kids were fully grown.  Last year, they asked  if I wanted it for my son and I said yes.  The house is kept at my parents’ place.  Jr. really loved it until this weekend when he declared to my dad that he was now a “big kid” and didn’t want it anymore (keep in mind he isn’t yet 4.  I got the house when I was 4 and played with it until I was more than too tall for the house!).  House was taken down and my dad said he was going to throw it out.  Without asking me.  Did he not realize these 80s icons could be worth a lot??  

[Blergh]

10 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

It’s my gram’s birthday but it’s her 91st, not her 90th, so I stand corrected. It’s also my dad’s and he’s going to be 61. So like…milestones + 1. LOL. I was at the milestone birthdays last year I am almost positive. 
 

FWIW,

I think sending your grandmother a very nice gift (and card) expressing birthday wishes should suffice- and if she actually tries to call you on your absence, I think just telling her the truth would be fine. I mean, unless she's in the depths of dementia, I think it's a safe assumption that she still can recall when SHE herself had had cramps before  her menopause  and, hopefully,  have some empathy. 

[Cloud9Shopper]

1 hour ago, Blergh said:

FWIW,

I think sending your grandmother a very nice gift (and card) expressing birthday wishes should suffice- and if she actually tries to call you on your absence, I think just telling her the truth would be fine. I mean, unless she's in the depths of dementia, I think it's a safe assumption that she still can recall when SHE herself had had cramps before  her menopause  and, hopefully,  have some empathy. 

Thanks. Her actual birthday is tomorrow so I will get in touch with her then if I’m feeling better! She’s not really the one who makes a big deal about attendance; it’s my older sister and dad more than anything, and my aunt to a lesser extent.

I ended up deciding not to go today. I know myself; I knew I wouldn’t be up for socializing with a full house and smiling for pictures on the second day of my period. I dragged myself to a gathering a few months ago when this was happening because of pressure to do so and felt miserable the whole time. At least if I’m otherwise feeling fine and just don’t want to go I can suck it up for a few hours. 

[ginger90]

When faced with a decision like that,  I always think, will I regret not going more than I would regret going.

[Blergh]

6 hours ago, ginger90 said:

When faced with a decision like that,  I always think, will I regret not going more than I would regret going.

I've had the above phrase thrown at me more than once down the decades.

However, the older I've gotten, the more I've regretted letting myself getting guilt-tripped yet again by known manipulators instead of standing up for my own autonomy and just letting them stew in their own! 

[Cloud9Shopper]

I feel like I’d be more likely to regret not going to a Thanksgiving or Christmas celebration (and to be honest, Christmas has just felt stressful as an adult anyway; I am trying to cut back on gifting in a way that I can stress less and everyone is happy), or a wedding (when my sisters got married) than a non-milestone birthday party. Hell I even sometimes wish my mother hadn’t let me skip my grandfather’s funeral when I was a teenager. Of course maybe I’ll feel differently down the road but for right now, I’m not saying “what a shame that I missed out on someone’s 58th birthday.” 

It’s the chance you take with everything. Can’t please everyone all the time. 

Edited August 28, 2022 by Cloud9Shopper

[Blergh]

10 hours ago, PRgal said:

Whoa.  My dad threw out my old Cabbage Patch Kids playhouse without asking me first.  It was one of those big playhouses that fit a child.  It was mine, then handed down to a cousin and my aunt and uncle kept it in their house even though their kids were fully grown.  Last year, they asked  if I wanted it for my son and I said yes.  The house is kept at my parents’ place.  Jr. really loved it until this weekend when he declared to my dad that he was now a “big kid” and didn’t want it anymore (keep in mind he isn’t yet 4.  I got the house when I was 4 and played with it until I was more than too tall for the house!).  House was taken down and my dad said he was going to throw it out.  Without asking me.  Did he not realize these 80s icons could be worth a lot??  

Well, I guess the lesson learned is that you can't trust your parents to keep ANY of your stuff up there.

Now, think very carefully about what you want to maintain access to and what you would prefer to get rid of and/or sell before making any other moves.

THEN go up there and retrieve EVERYTHING that had been yours, carefully sorted into 'keep' 'sell' and 'dump' bags- dumping the 'dump' stuff into the nearest available large trash receptacle on your way back home.

FWIW, after dealing with severe asthma due to dust build up, I lumped paying a professional cleaning and dump service to get rid of 95 percent of my stuff in my bedroom- and, apart from once in a great while thinking of  some odd item I hadn't seen or touched in many years, I haven't missed 99 percent of it in the slightest.